When all you know is gone
I'm ill-equipped to handle the winds of change, and when they blow, I get completely disoriented.
Lately I've felt like the square peg trying to jam itself into a small round hole. I used to be small and round, but all the baggage and comings and goings of life have turned me into a square. A jagged, desolate, cold square---alright, enough with the abstract bullshit, here's the truth.
I think I'm being sent a sign from the twelth dimension that reads something like this:
IT'S TIME TO GET A NEW LIFE.
Why do I think this? Because my entire old life has been systematically dismantled, trampled on, and destroyed no matter where I turn.
My real life? My old social niche was in the quiet place in school: working with people on small projects, usually taking leadership roles, but otherwise silent. That's still true for the most part. I'm slightly more comfortable with my college classmates than I was with the high school crew. That's good, I guess? I'm still too chicken to take the next step and actually socialize with them, though.
Where I really belonged, though, was youth group. We met every week and were friends unconditionally: sounds really corny, but it's true. Unfortunately, everyone else's busy lives had to ruin that. For the past few weeks I've been the only person showing up at the meeting place. I haven't gotten any calls or anything. My guess? There was a rapture and all my well-behaved friends were taken to the promised land, and I'm the silly sinner who was left behind.
When I wasn't there, I was usually online. This is still true also. But the difference between my online life a year ago and my online life today is like the difference between living in LosLaSan AwesomeGayCity, Superstate and Desolate Nowheresville, Where-the-fuck-am-I-istan.
A year ago I was with a different group. We were awesome, shared common interests, and all that jazz. We had a great rapport, made creative fanstuff, and everything. That was all ruined by the schism. A few of my friends and the maintainer had a personality clash that had been bubbling for a while, and there was an argument about the legality of certain fanworks that caused them to splinter off into two groups. I toed the line and remained in both groups for a while, since I wasn't involved, but both were giving me crap for not abandoning the other group and the community spirit died. I had an easier time leaving, though, because as that group was dying a new unrelated group had formed that I wormed my way into.
And boy, was it cool. I generally got along with the others, but we're casual acquaintances for the most part. I did manage to make a few friends though. <3 We had awesome pretendy funtimes, and I loved it. Emphasis on past tense. I'm still around because I have a sense of loyalty to them, and I'm still holding out hope that I'll get my spark back, but it looks bleak right now.
It's odd, because the same group I'm with now I felt like I belonged in just two months ago. They're the same as always, though, aside from a few subtractions. Then I'm the one who's changed...?
It seems I still have a lot to figure out.
Dear self:
STFU and be more positive and outgoing, goddam.
Love, self.
Lately I've felt like the square peg trying to jam itself into a small round hole. I used to be small and round, but all the baggage and comings and goings of life have turned me into a square. A jagged, desolate, cold square---alright, enough with the abstract bullshit, here's the truth.
I think I'm being sent a sign from the twelth dimension that reads something like this:
IT'S TIME TO GET A NEW LIFE.
Why do I think this? Because my entire old life has been systematically dismantled, trampled on, and destroyed no matter where I turn.
My real life? My old social niche was in the quiet place in school: working with people on small projects, usually taking leadership roles, but otherwise silent. That's still true for the most part. I'm slightly more comfortable with my college classmates than I was with the high school crew. That's good, I guess? I'm still too chicken to take the next step and actually socialize with them, though.
Where I really belonged, though, was youth group. We met every week and were friends unconditionally: sounds really corny, but it's true. Unfortunately, everyone else's busy lives had to ruin that. For the past few weeks I've been the only person showing up at the meeting place. I haven't gotten any calls or anything. My guess? There was a rapture and all my well-behaved friends were taken to the promised land, and I'm the silly sinner who was left behind.
When I wasn't there, I was usually online. This is still true also. But the difference between my online life a year ago and my online life today is like the difference between living in LosLaSan AwesomeGayCity, Superstate and Desolate Nowheresville, Where-the-fuck-am-I-istan.
A year ago I was with a different group. We were awesome, shared common interests, and all that jazz. We had a great rapport, made creative fanstuff, and everything. That was all ruined by the schism. A few of my friends and the maintainer had a personality clash that had been bubbling for a while, and there was an argument about the legality of certain fanworks that caused them to splinter off into two groups. I toed the line and remained in both groups for a while, since I wasn't involved, but both were giving me crap for not abandoning the other group and the community spirit died. I had an easier time leaving, though, because as that group was dying a new unrelated group had formed that I wormed my way into.
And boy, was it cool. I generally got along with the others, but we're casual acquaintances for the most part. I did manage to make a few friends though. <3 We had awesome pretendy funtimes, and I loved it. Emphasis on past tense. I'm still around because I have a sense of loyalty to them, and I'm still holding out hope that I'll get my spark back, but it looks bleak right now.
It's odd, because the same group I'm with now I felt like I belonged in just two months ago. They're the same as always, though, aside from a few subtractions. Then I'm the one who's changed...?
It seems I still have a lot to figure out.
Dear self:
STFU and be more positive and outgoing, goddam.
Love, self.