(no subject)
I wonder if writing this will get it out of my head - or at least stop the thought/memory from popping up at such inconvenient times. Two o’clock in the morning is not convenient for any thoughts to pop up suddenly inside my brain.
An event in the waiting room of a clinic is under the cut. Reference to cancer and death.
I spent £80 on my wedding dress. It was comfortable when I tried it on a year before the wedding. It was comfortable a month before the wedding, and a week before for that matter. It was comfortable when I put it on in the morning and rather uncomfortable when I took it off mid -afternoon. (We had a ferry to catch.)
Since I don’t normally swish around in a boned bodice and a long skirt, I had attributed the discomfort to the dress and had wondered how I had missed it before. When I took the dress off, I realised that the discomfort was due to a breast lump.
Short wait to see if it would go away by itself. It didn’t. Visit to GP. Referral to appropriate clinic at hospital not terribly far away.
Now, I know most breast lumps are not malignant. I know some are. And I know that without appropriate imaging (ultrasound and mammogram) it would silly for me to make any assumptions about which it was. I knew also that every other patient in the same clinic would be in the same situation, if this was their first appointment. There was quite a lot of waiting time between tests. I sat quietly reading some of the magazines supplied. I was by myself. I wasn’t feeling especially cheerful, and certainly wasn’t sitting there with a big smile on my face. Nor was I sobbing or tearing my hair. I was trying to be the minimum amount of trouble.
Another patient nearby moved to closer seat and spoke to me. She had a friend/relative with her who was very obviously there for support.
The other patient asked why I wasn’t terribly upset.
I explained that while I realised that while I realised that the lump I was waiting to have looked at might be cancerous, I also knew that there was an even better chance that it might benign, so I was trying not to worry more than I could help, although actually, I was feeling rather anxious.
The other patient asked if I had children.
I replied apologetically that I didn’t and added that I had only been married a month. (Yes, I know that doesn’t necessarily follow…but since it obviously mattered to the other patient and I didn’t have the option of just walking away and leaving the clinic in a hospital gown if she decided to be really aggressive, sticking with my usual “try to appease them” approach seemed best.)
She then told me that she had two children so it would be an absolute tragedy if she had cancer, but that it wouldn’t matter if I died of cancer because I didn’t have children.
(I would agree totally that if one of us had to die of cancer and one of us wouldn’t have cancer at all, it would be better for me to die -although rather hard lines on my parents and husband. It doesn’t work like that, however.)
I tried to say as comfortingly as possible that most breast lumps turned out to be harmless and that treatment for breast cancer could be very successful these days. And that I hope that her lump would be one of the benign ones and it more than likely was.
(Since one of my cousins was diagnosed with breast cancer 30 years ago and is still alive and very active, I am very grateful indeed for the treatments available. Thank you NHS. On the other hand my aunt died, despite their best efforts. I didn’t think it was a good moment to mention either of these facts.)
“Other patient” snapped at me that she just knew that she would be one of the ones with cancer because it would be far worse for her than other people and it was unfair. Some more in this vein - and then a nurse came to ask her to go into one of the consulting rooms.
Other patient glanced back (Well it was more a glare) at me and said, “See, I told you so! I told you it would be cancer.”
“Other patient’s” friend then leaned over towards me. For a second I foolishly thought that she might say something kind. “I’m sorry.” Or “I hope you don’t have cancer either”. Or “she’s not usually like this.” Even “I don’t think you deserve to die.” would have been welcome.
Foolish of me.
It was “She’s very upset, so you mustn’t say anything.”
“I can see she’s upset which is why I haven’t said anything.”
“But she’s very upset - you can see, she’s very upset, so you mustn’t say anything to anybody about what she said.”
“I wasn’t going to, and yes, I can see she’s upset and..”
“ You mustn’t say anything about it to anyone.”
“I assure you that I do understand that when people are upset they..”
“You mustn’t say anything about it to anyone. You can see how upset she is.”
And so on for another few circles. It didn’t matter how much I reassured the friend that I wasn’t going to “tell anyone.” She still seemed determined to berate me as if I already had - or was making plans to do so. I was promising to do what she was demanding, and it still wasn’t good enough. She actually moved one seat closer. With hindsight, I suspect it was to remove any chance of me speaking privately to anyone else. (Although at least some other people waiting and staff passing must have heard what other patient said anyway.)
Eventually - and it was probably less than 3 minutes later- a nurse came to fetch me to hear my results in exactly the same manner. The friend and the other patient were gone when I passed through the waiting room on the way out. I was glad, because it indicated to me that a short meeting probably meant that she didn’t have cancer.
Anyway, I am telling about this now.
So why am I doing it?
1. This is anonymous. I am anonymous here and I haven’t identified the hospital or the area and certainly not the other patient. If she does happen to read this, other people will only know it’s her if she say or posts anything. In which case, that is her fault.
Dear Other Patient, if that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have 2 options. Firstly, if you feel you were in the wrong, you could apologise. Secondly, if you feel you acted rightly, I don’t see that you have anything to complain about. In fact, if you read what I have written, you will see that in general, I agree with you. Your life is more important than mine. We simply disagree on whether my life is so totally and utterly worthless that no one would care if I died. If making me feel worse (and believe me, with every scrap of medical treatment I’ve received over the last four years I’ve been half expecting someone to tell me I don’t deserve help because I have no children, so it did a lot to make me feel worse over a considerable period of time.) made you feel better, consider that you have improved your mental well-being at my expense. Also note that if you, by some bizarre chance, do see this and post an answer, whether or not it was cancer is total irrelevant and I wouldn’t necessarily believe you anyway. I didn’t, and don’t now, wish any fatal illness on you.
2. Other people must have heard or seen this event, and there must be very, very, very many other occasions like this. It’s a big world with lots of people in it and there is no reason at all to believe that anything that happens to me is in anyway special or unique. One person telling me my life was worthless because I am childless is one thing. The tacit agreement, by silence, of others is more worrying.
3. And the friend, the so caring friend. From the perspective of 4 years later, I suspect your role was almost the least excusable of all. I can see you didn’t want your friend to get into trouble, but if I had said anything to a member of staff, the best (for me) that was likely to happen to me was to be put in some small cold corner elsewhere to wait without a chair, while your friend was bumped up the queue as quickly as possible to get her off the premises (hardly a problem for either of you.) You claimed the right to ban me from ever telling anyone about something that had upset me. (Yes, you did. “You must never say anything about this to anyone” remember?)
4. And myself? I am very much to blame, because, you see I assumed at first that it really was something about me that triggered off this behaviour. I assumed that there was some invisible “I’m worthless” sign hanging above my head that invited you and your friend to act in this way. I thought if there was a problem in a situation then I must be the problem. That I had no right to judge your behaviour and say “This isn’t the right thing to do.” But that is to assume I am in some way special, which I have no right to do. I still don’t think I should have said anything to either of you then and there, but by not telling anyone at the clinic, I did nothing to protect other women from experiencing such behaviour in the future.
So this is why I’m writing this, I think.
To say to people, yes, this does happen. I expect it happens many times a day in many waiting rooms around the country. I’m sure it doesn’t happen more often than it does happen. It certainly hasn’t happened to me every time I visited that clinic. Even 20% of the time is quite a lot though.
To say to the friend of the other patient- no, I don’t think you had the right to demand my absolute silence on something that was not said in confidence for ever, apparently just so no-one could said that your friend was less than kind. It doesn’t matter if I am the worst human ever to walk the planet; you didn’t know that when you spoke to me. All you knew was that I was a childless woman with a breast lump, who was by herself, with nothing about her - neither appearance not manner - to be intimidating. I would have all but forgotten your friend’s behaviour now, but for your actions, I think
An event in the waiting room of a clinic is under the cut. Reference to cancer and death.
I spent £80 on my wedding dress. It was comfortable when I tried it on a year before the wedding. It was comfortable a month before the wedding, and a week before for that matter. It was comfortable when I put it on in the morning and rather uncomfortable when I took it off mid -afternoon. (We had a ferry to catch.)
Since I don’t normally swish around in a boned bodice and a long skirt, I had attributed the discomfort to the dress and had wondered how I had missed it before. When I took the dress off, I realised that the discomfort was due to a breast lump.
Short wait to see if it would go away by itself. It didn’t. Visit to GP. Referral to appropriate clinic at hospital not terribly far away.
Now, I know most breast lumps are not malignant. I know some are. And I know that without appropriate imaging (ultrasound and mammogram) it would silly for me to make any assumptions about which it was. I knew also that every other patient in the same clinic would be in the same situation, if this was their first appointment. There was quite a lot of waiting time between tests. I sat quietly reading some of the magazines supplied. I was by myself. I wasn’t feeling especially cheerful, and certainly wasn’t sitting there with a big smile on my face. Nor was I sobbing or tearing my hair. I was trying to be the minimum amount of trouble.
Another patient nearby moved to closer seat and spoke to me. She had a friend/relative with her who was very obviously there for support.
The other patient asked why I wasn’t terribly upset.
I explained that while I realised that while I realised that the lump I was waiting to have looked at might be cancerous, I also knew that there was an even better chance that it might benign, so I was trying not to worry more than I could help, although actually, I was feeling rather anxious.
The other patient asked if I had children.
I replied apologetically that I didn’t and added that I had only been married a month. (Yes, I know that doesn’t necessarily follow…but since it obviously mattered to the other patient and I didn’t have the option of just walking away and leaving the clinic in a hospital gown if she decided to be really aggressive, sticking with my usual “try to appease them” approach seemed best.)
She then told me that she had two children so it would be an absolute tragedy if she had cancer, but that it wouldn’t matter if I died of cancer because I didn’t have children.
(I would agree totally that if one of us had to die of cancer and one of us wouldn’t have cancer at all, it would be better for me to die -although rather hard lines on my parents and husband. It doesn’t work like that, however.)
I tried to say as comfortingly as possible that most breast lumps turned out to be harmless and that treatment for breast cancer could be very successful these days. And that I hope that her lump would be one of the benign ones and it more than likely was.
(Since one of my cousins was diagnosed with breast cancer 30 years ago and is still alive and very active, I am very grateful indeed for the treatments available. Thank you NHS. On the other hand my aunt died, despite their best efforts. I didn’t think it was a good moment to mention either of these facts.)
“Other patient” snapped at me that she just knew that she would be one of the ones with cancer because it would be far worse for her than other people and it was unfair. Some more in this vein - and then a nurse came to ask her to go into one of the consulting rooms.
Other patient glanced back (Well it was more a glare) at me and said, “See, I told you so! I told you it would be cancer.”
“Other patient’s” friend then leaned over towards me. For a second I foolishly thought that she might say something kind. “I’m sorry.” Or “I hope you don’t have cancer either”. Or “she’s not usually like this.” Even “I don’t think you deserve to die.” would have been welcome.
Foolish of me.
It was “She’s very upset, so you mustn’t say anything.”
“I can see she’s upset which is why I haven’t said anything.”
“But she’s very upset - you can see, she’s very upset, so you mustn’t say anything to anybody about what she said.”
“I wasn’t going to, and yes, I can see she’s upset and..”
“ You mustn’t say anything about it to anyone.”
“I assure you that I do understand that when people are upset they..”
“You mustn’t say anything about it to anyone. You can see how upset she is.”
And so on for another few circles. It didn’t matter how much I reassured the friend that I wasn’t going to “tell anyone.” She still seemed determined to berate me as if I already had - or was making plans to do so. I was promising to do what she was demanding, and it still wasn’t good enough. She actually moved one seat closer. With hindsight, I suspect it was to remove any chance of me speaking privately to anyone else. (Although at least some other people waiting and staff passing must have heard what other patient said anyway.)
Eventually - and it was probably less than 3 minutes later- a nurse came to fetch me to hear my results in exactly the same manner. The friend and the other patient were gone when I passed through the waiting room on the way out. I was glad, because it indicated to me that a short meeting probably meant that she didn’t have cancer.
Anyway, I am telling about this now.
So why am I doing it?
1. This is anonymous. I am anonymous here and I haven’t identified the hospital or the area and certainly not the other patient. If she does happen to read this, other people will only know it’s her if she say or posts anything. In which case, that is her fault.
Dear Other Patient, if that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have 2 options. Firstly, if you feel you were in the wrong, you could apologise. Secondly, if you feel you acted rightly, I don’t see that you have anything to complain about. In fact, if you read what I have written, you will see that in general, I agree with you. Your life is more important than mine. We simply disagree on whether my life is so totally and utterly worthless that no one would care if I died. If making me feel worse (and believe me, with every scrap of medical treatment I’ve received over the last four years I’ve been half expecting someone to tell me I don’t deserve help because I have no children, so it did a lot to make me feel worse over a considerable period of time.) made you feel better, consider that you have improved your mental well-being at my expense. Also note that if you, by some bizarre chance, do see this and post an answer, whether or not it was cancer is total irrelevant and I wouldn’t necessarily believe you anyway. I didn’t, and don’t now, wish any fatal illness on you.
2. Other people must have heard or seen this event, and there must be very, very, very many other occasions like this. It’s a big world with lots of people in it and there is no reason at all to believe that anything that happens to me is in anyway special or unique. One person telling me my life was worthless because I am childless is one thing. The tacit agreement, by silence, of others is more worrying.
3. And the friend, the so caring friend. From the perspective of 4 years later, I suspect your role was almost the least excusable of all. I can see you didn’t want your friend to get into trouble, but if I had said anything to a member of staff, the best (for me) that was likely to happen to me was to be put in some small cold corner elsewhere to wait without a chair, while your friend was bumped up the queue as quickly as possible to get her off the premises (hardly a problem for either of you.) You claimed the right to ban me from ever telling anyone about something that had upset me. (Yes, you did. “You must never say anything about this to anyone” remember?)
4. And myself? I am very much to blame, because, you see I assumed at first that it really was something about me that triggered off this behaviour. I assumed that there was some invisible “I’m worthless” sign hanging above my head that invited you and your friend to act in this way. I thought if there was a problem in a situation then I must be the problem. That I had no right to judge your behaviour and say “This isn’t the right thing to do.” But that is to assume I am in some way special, which I have no right to do. I still don’t think I should have said anything to either of you then and there, but by not telling anyone at the clinic, I did nothing to protect other women from experiencing such behaviour in the future.
So this is why I’m writing this, I think.
To say to people, yes, this does happen. I expect it happens many times a day in many waiting rooms around the country. I’m sure it doesn’t happen more often than it does happen. It certainly hasn’t happened to me every time I visited that clinic. Even 20% of the time is quite a lot though.
To say to the friend of the other patient- no, I don’t think you had the right to demand my absolute silence on something that was not said in confidence for ever, apparently just so no-one could said that your friend was less than kind. It doesn’t matter if I am the worst human ever to walk the planet; you didn’t know that when you spoke to me. All you knew was that I was a childless woman with a breast lump, who was by herself, with nothing about her - neither appearance not manner - to be intimidating. I would have all but forgotten your friend’s behaviour now, but for your actions, I think