...I broke it.
(I have been granted amnesty for one entry. I am NOT allowed my privleges back. Don't get your hopes up.)
I was playing with that present I got Tuesday
just enjoying it
and I slipped
and dropped it
It broke
and I cried
One week.
I'm talented. Look at me. I can keep a girlfriend for...
one week.
After all that...
one week.
that's it. that's all there is.
I've never really had a girlfriend before.
First "girlfriend" I had was long distance. I knew for a few years. I asked her out, then she got shipped off to a sanitarium in Alabama.
We sent letters. She got to visit for a month.
She broke up with me in a letter.
we "went out" for nine months. She was under lock and key for eight.
the second girlfriend I had was also long distance.
you know who you are.... :P
I asked her out on a debate tournament. The only time we would see each other was on debate tournaments.
We went out for a little while. We broke up via email.
nothing was really ever... real.
I mean, I did nothing. We sat and wrote letters, and talked on the phone, while we were far away from each other. We rarely saw each other.
I really liked Holli. I thought I could make it go away...
but it didn't. I saw a lot of her every day.
Merill finally bullied me into growing some balls and asking her out.
I didn't think she'd say yes.
But she did. SHE SAID YES.
I was shocked, amazed, and felt like I couldn't be happier at that moment.
a week felt like an eon
seeing a movie with her was awesome
I mean, we made some really cool memories...
but now I realize her giggling and turning away wasn't "you're so silly, Misha"....
She gave me a note yesterday morning.
"Hey. Please don't be mad. I tried to imagine us as more than something than friends, but I just can't. I'm sorry. If you ever need me, I'll be here for you, as a friend."
She signed it "B.F."
if that means, "best friend," I'm gonna shoot something.
probably myself
y'know....
why did you do that, Holli?
you're too nice
if you didn't like me, all you had to do was say you didn't
I wouldn't have cared
I would have gotten over it in a few days, and then it would be business as usual
but you had to try anyway
you felt sorry for "poor lonely little Misha"
you didn't want to hurt my feelings..
you had to try anyway...
until you couldn't stand it anymore
gah....
you didn't want to hurt my feelings
but, you know what?
you did
you know something?
that's what every single girl has EVER said to me.
when I ask them out...
or when they dump me.
"Can we just be friends?"
am I really that repugnant?
I mean, honestly... please, tell me what's wrong here.
My self-esteem is manic depressive. One second, it's way high up, next, it's on the ground.
It keeps getting juggled by people.
... is there something I'm doing wrong?
am I ugly? (seriously... I mean, if I am, I want to know if I actually have a chance or not... I lost 70 pounds, and grew out curly locks... and it seems to have no effect...)
there's one person I know I can count on
but...
she's in Easthampton Massachusetts. so.... yeah. Can't do much there.
she seems to see something in me
could you tell me what it is, if you can?
no one else seems to see it
....
I miss you, Holli.
I was playing with that present I got Tuesday
just enjoying it
and I slipped
and dropped it
It broke
and I cried
One week.
I'm talented. Look at me. I can keep a girlfriend for...
one week.
After all that...
one week.
that's it. that's all there is.
I've never really had a girlfriend before.
First "girlfriend" I had was long distance. I knew for a few years. I asked her out, then she got shipped off to a sanitarium in Alabama.
We sent letters. She got to visit for a month.
She broke up with me in a letter.
we "went out" for nine months. She was under lock and key for eight.
the second girlfriend I had was also long distance.
you know who you are.... :P
I asked her out on a debate tournament. The only time we would see each other was on debate tournaments.
We went out for a little while. We broke up via email.
nothing was really ever... real.
I mean, I did nothing. We sat and wrote letters, and talked on the phone, while we were far away from each other. We rarely saw each other.
I really liked Holli. I thought I could make it go away...
but it didn't. I saw a lot of her every day.
Merill finally bullied me into growing some balls and asking her out.
I didn't think she'd say yes.
But she did. SHE SAID YES.
I was shocked, amazed, and felt like I couldn't be happier at that moment.
a week felt like an eon
seeing a movie with her was awesome
I mean, we made some really cool memories...
but now I realize her giggling and turning away wasn't "you're so silly, Misha"....
She gave me a note yesterday morning.
"Hey. Please don't be mad. I tried to imagine us as more than something than friends, but I just can't. I'm sorry. If you ever need me, I'll be here for you, as a friend."
She signed it "B.F."
if that means, "best friend," I'm gonna shoot something.
probably myself
y'know....
why did you do that, Holli?
you're too nice
if you didn't like me, all you had to do was say you didn't
I wouldn't have cared
I would have gotten over it in a few days, and then it would be business as usual
but you had to try anyway
you felt sorry for "poor lonely little Misha"
you didn't want to hurt my feelings..
you had to try anyway...
until you couldn't stand it anymore
gah....
you didn't want to hurt my feelings
but, you know what?
you did
you know something?
that's what every single girl has EVER said to me.
when I ask them out...
or when they dump me.
"Can we just be friends?"
am I really that repugnant?
I mean, honestly... please, tell me what's wrong here.
My self-esteem is manic depressive. One second, it's way high up, next, it's on the ground.
It keeps getting juggled by people.
... is there something I'm doing wrong?
am I ugly? (seriously... I mean, if I am, I want to know if I actually have a chance or not... I lost 70 pounds, and grew out curly locks... and it seems to have no effect...)
there's one person I know I can count on
but...
she's in Easthampton Massachusetts. so.... yeah. Can't do much there.
she seems to see something in me
could you tell me what it is, if you can?
no one else seems to see it
....
I miss you, Holli.