BDSM and You: Part 1
What the hell is it anyway?
The simple answer of course is simply to spell out the commonly accepted meaning of the complex acronym itself: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. A lot of people use the term rather casually to refer to almost any kind of kink, and it’s pretty commonly accepted to cover a wide range of both relationship styles and sexual acts.
That’s all very good, but it doesn’t give one much to work from. Broad umbrella terms can often leave people confused, because one person might refer to one specific type of BDSM using the general term, while another might refer to BDSM and mean another type altogether. So, how does one even begin to research a topic this large?
Well, first, let’s talk about the things that differentiate BDSM from other practices, as a whole. There are some common misconceptions that need to be knocked out before we can get into any detail on the topic at all. So I’ll start with a few that have come up in conversations with newcomers to the subject, and we’ll go from there.
1) BDSM, in and of itself, is a descriptor for a consensual sexual practice. Whether the consent is given at the beginning of each sexual (or non-sexual for that matter) act or whether it is given as a blanket consent agreed upon between partners until withdrawn, it is an important part of what defines BDSM itself.
2) Safety is an important factor. While there are some people who engage in risky sexual practices as a type of projected self-harm or sometimes just because they don’t know better, that doesn’t mean that everyone involved in BDSM is this way. In fact, there are two well-known philosophies about safety in BDSM.
First off: safe, sane, consensual. This philosophy prioritizes safety quite heavily, and emphasizes that everyone involved in any act should be in a proper mental state to make the choice to be involved. The term “SSC” itself came about in the 1980’s and was meant to make a distinction between BDSM and things like sexual assault and abuse, as well as set a minimum standard for ethical play.
Next up: risk aware consensual kink. This is a newer term that actually came about as a response from people who thought that “SSC” was a little too focused on the safety aspect. RACK is all about personal responsibility: knowing what the risks associated with an activity are and choosing whether to engage in it.
What these two terms have in common is that they require individuals to stop and think about what is happening and make decisions based on what is best for everyone involved, which brings us to my next point.
3) Negotiation. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from pornography, this is the part that you probably haven’t seen. This is the part of the whole thing where the people who are going to engage in the fun kinky stuff sit down and decide just what they’re willing to try. This can be anything from a formal written contract to a quick chat, but it’s an important part of making sure that nothing happens that someone isn’t comfortable with.
Does this mean that every couple who owns a pair of fuzzy handcuffs talks about sex every time they employ them? Well, no. But established partners also usually have a general idea of what each other is willing to try out, and it’s still a good idea to talk it over once in a while, even if it’s casually.
4) But, wait? What about those moments when you’re not comfortable, or someone does something that wasn’t in the plan? After all, we’re talking about human beings here. And once matters like physical arousal, strong emotion, feelings of power and control, or plain old excitement come into the picture, things can happen that weren’t discussed. Or perhaps it was in the plan, but doesn’t feel right once the moment comes.
In most cases, a simple ‘no’ or ‘stop’ fixes this problem. However, there are situations in which partners agree to ignore those cues - either for purposes of fantasy or pushing personal boundaries - or in which those words might be taken to mean the cessation of just a particular type of stimulation, not the entire session. Because of this, many partners agree on specific words to use when uncomfortable or wishing to withdraw consent, usually called “safe words”.
Those are quite useful, except… when one is gagged or in some other way physically incapable of speaking. In that case, typically a physical sign or symbol is substituted, often a bell or hand movement. The purpose of these things, again, is to make sure that participation is a conscious choice, and that at any point both parties have a way out if they no longer choose to be involved.
5) So what type of people choose to take part in these sorts of things anyway? That’s one of the questions that I’ve been most amused by answers to, personally. While it’s true that many people who choose to make BDSM lifestyles their main topic of conversation in everyday social interactions are very strange, that group in no way represents the whole. In fact, while there are quite a few people who choose to take part in relationships where BDSM play is at a forefront, many people involve themselves in it as individuals, or choose to occasionally integrate specific elements of it in their everyday sex lives.
There’s a very broad range of types of involvement, and many individuals who don’t think of themselves as “kinky” have at some point tried out an activity that could fall under the BDSM umbrella.
6) Hold on, you keep saying “sex”. So BDSM has to involve sex, right? Well, not really. While as an individual I see most types of BDSM as inherently erotic, that doesn’t mean that intercourse is necessarily a part of play. In fact, there are quite a lot of people who enjoy the mindsets and sensation of say, bondage, without necessarily wanting to have sex with the person doing the tying up (or being tied up). While sexual play is often on the menu, it by no means has to be.
7) I want to know about a specific type of BDSM!
Hang around? I’ll be writing some bits and pieces about various types of BDSM play, my own and others’ real life experiences with them, and some common ways they are used (or abused) in fiction! I decided to do a little series on this because of some questions that came up in regards to writing-based roleplaying, so the topics will likely include quite a few pointers for writing as well as engaging in different types of kinky acts.
8) BUT WHERE IS MY ARTICLE ON FROTTING?
It’s coming, I promise! :p