"Cars passin by, but none of them seem to go my way...." -Rancid "Olympia WA"
Friday is the start of Heritage Fest. It is also the only day I can go since I'm working till close both Saturday and Sunday. But only one day is what I need this year. In genral, Heritage Fest gets kinda depressing every year. I spend half the time looking for people I know and see all the happy couples along the way. Not good for a single hopeless romantic. But it's a little more improtant that I go this year.
I'm was tempted not to, but I have decided I should. Ya see, last year Alyx and I went to Heritage Fest together. Looking back, I can see that the day was one of the death tolls of our relationship. It was kind of schizophrenic, cause one minute we would be all lovey dovey, and the next we would to pissed at each other. This is also when Alyx started taking her anger out on me big time. It didn't help that I was off the anti-depressents at the time. My shrink wanted to do an experiment to see how I would be without it. Another shrink has done this before with me, with the same results. I get irritable, overly emotional, and I tend to dwell on things to a point that I can't concentrate. I was only off for a couple weeks, but it sure as hell didn't make that day any better for the both of us.
So, this year is I'm coming to Heritage Fest to face those demons of the past. Lexi's not sure if she's comin, and I'm not sure who else is gonna be there. Maybe I'll just end up wondering around the whole day. It wouldn't be the first time.
One thing I'm not going to, though, is to Lake Winniconnie. That's one I'm not ready for yet. That is full of happy memories for me, but I found out later that it was one of the events that made Alyx question our relationship even more so. It wasn't how I was treating her. I was just an ass to the people around me, especially my parents. Corse, I didn't know this until well after we broke up, but I digress. Looking back, yeah, I do remember not being on the best behavier. I'm still workin on how I interact with my parents, and I think it's getting better.
I could take up more space with all the complaints and shit that goes with all of this, but what's the point? Been there, done that. Actually, things are getting better slowly but surely. It's funny, when Mandi told me it took her a year to get over her first boyfirend, I told her I didn't think I would take that long to get over Alyx. Well, it's almost 10 months and I'm still not over it. But I am closer then I ever was before. Don't know how long it will take, I just gotta give it time.
I'm still not sure about the promise we made, that we would always be in each other's lives. When we made that promise, we were extremely close. Could it ever be that way again? Not romanticlly, but in friendship? I don't even know if I could handle it. I'm not sure about a lot of things. Feelings do change over time, so it is too soon to tell. Just gotta give it time.
I've finally got my creative juices going again the past few months. It took about 6 years to do it, but it's probably the best thing I have ever done for myself durning these agrivating years. I'm starting to read heavily again. I'm also working on my website, and it's turning out really good. Gonna be a while before I finish it enough to put it up, but it's lookin great. The more I forge ahead with my forgotten passions, the stronger I'm getting. Hopefully I won't abandon them agian.