(no subject)
i've learned not to internalize
this concept of "genius"
the mere act of dropping this misguided word
into the same sentence as your name
insinuates that they find you just as likely to be seen
onstage in stockholm
receiving thanks for saving the world
in whatever way suited you best
as you are to be found
facedown in a darkened apartment
surrounded by quaaludes and sharp objects
...and what's worse,
they expect nothing less
and god help those who
mere months out of the womb
heads much too big for their bodies to fully support
are told that they are "gifted"
this insures that their bodies will never grow to capacity
and the weight that they carry
will be the unrelenting push and pull from those who
as with any other exclusive gift
fear it is being used "incorrectly"
culturally speaking,
we love the word "genius"
and we seem to attach it
not to ideas
but to people
often those we understand least
which only serves to alienate
us from them
or them from us
which is worse is difficult to say
though so many have had their lives and careers
inextricably linked to this six-letter word
they, like the rest of us
were not the fount of all divine creative thought
but merely animated bags of shit and emotions
subject to the occasional twitch of inspiration
which they were lucky enough to harness
provided they were in the right line of work at the time
i often wonder what kind of sense it makes
to put on oneself this notion
that everything required to create great art
or great questions
or great laughter
comes from within
and that if you are not one of these lucky few
touched by some celestial being at birth
the art, questions, or laughter you bring to the world
will only ever be art, questions, and laughter
like everyone else's
remember that video
they showed you in psych 101
or your friend told you to watch on youtube
where they tell you to count
how many times a basketball is passed
and you do as you're told
meanwhile failing to notice the man in an ugly bear suit
poorly moonwalking across the screen?
is it possible
that the individual is not the center
of the creative universe?
that maybe "genius" is just a series of moments
that we're too busy to notice
while we're trying to get ahead
or figuring ourselves out
or making other plans
or trying to contrive brilliance for a deadline
it's the freight train that passes by
nearly every day as we toil in the fields
that we've learned to drown out with the other "noise"
i am often reminded of tom waits
tortured, temperamental, and well-paid for it
on a los angeles freeway in the midst of a creative rut
when from somewhere in the ether and smog over the 405
a wayward fragment of melody
sucked into the engine and through the air vent
began to dance beguilingly on tom's shoulder
as if a raccoon scurrying past a motion detector
and sending a sleeping family into panic
all of his deepest fears of the moment had been evoked
and one by one began screaming inside his head
at drill sergeant levels:
"what's the matter? can't find a pen?"
"fat load of good it would do even if you had one!"
"you're gonna lose this one, as well you should!"
"do you really think you could've made that into anything?"
"you ain't hoagy carmichael and you never will be!"
"if you had any success, it's behind you."
"enjoy your long descent into obscurity!"
"make sure to embarrass yourself a few times on the way! that's always fun!"
as the voices converged into a cacophonous roar
waits, seconds out from a crippling anxiety attack
inhaled
and exhaled
as if pushing down a fader
peered up through the moonroof
and politely inquired,
"can you not see that i'm driving?"