What Am I Fighting For?

[leejaehwa7]

Title: What Am I Fighting For?
Author: leejaehwa7
Fandom: BAP
Pairing: Daehyun/Youngjae
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Daehyun fights and Youngjae wishes he would stop. A confession leads to closer relationship between the two.

A/N: It's been a while since I've written anything. I don’t really know what this is, but I wanted to write some DaeJae, so here it is.



“Daehyun! Why is it that I can’t leave you alone for more than five minutes without you getting into trouble?” Wiping the blood from his busted lip with his sleeve, Youngjae gave the other a one over. He had left Daehyun at the picnic tables at the side of the school to go get drinks from the machine for them to have with their lunches. Not long after he left, Daehyun was approached by the three upperclassmen now retreating into the school. “You okay?”

“You didn’t have to step in. I had it under control.” A deep bruise was forming on his left cheek from the punch landed by the biggest of the three goons. Daehyun turned as he combed his fingers through his hair and started walking towards the back gate of the school. “Are you coming?”

“School’s not over yet.”

“Thanks for stating the obvious idiot. Do you really plan on going to class looking like that?” Without saying anything else, Daehyun continued walking with Youngjae following behind.

“What about our books?” Daehyun ignored Youngjae’s question and kept walking.

Their relationship had been like this for a while. Youngjae always seemed to follow Daehyun around, making sure he wasn’t getting into trouble. Originally Daehyun found it annoying and told Youngjae to fuck off. He preferred being alone; life was easier that way. But Youngjae being such a stubborn fool ignored Daehyun’s requests and latched himself to the other like kudzu, gradually growing on him to the point that it’s weird when Youngjae’s not around.

Actually, Daehyun had no idea when he started to care so much; it just kind of happened. Youngjae’s persistence to be friends with Daehyun made absolutely no sense from the beginning and had Daehyun suspicious for the longest time, but Youngjae insisted he was only interested in being friends. He figured since Daehyun was always alone he wouldn’t mind having a friend to waste time with. Honestly, even though Daehyun rejected Youngjae at first, he never had a problem being friends with him. If anything, Daehyun was trying to protect the other from being affected by his bad reputation at school. Spending time with the tattooed class outcast wouldn’t look great for Youngjae, especially considering he was one of the smartest students in his year. In reality, Daehyun didn’t know Youngjae had a reputation of his own to worry about.

“Why were you fighting again? It’s been happening a lot recently. I thought you were trying not to get into anymore trouble.” By this time Youngjae had caught up to other and they were making their way towards Daehyun’s house because it was closer to the school. If they continued walking around in their uniforms, it would only expose them as truants and cause more problems for both of them.

“I just felt like it,” Daehyun replied. He couldn’t possibly tell Youngjae why he had gotten into a fight with three upperclassmen. He couldn’t let Youngjae know that he was fighting because the others had been talking trash about Youngjae. If he told Youngjae he was fighting because the others called Youngjae unforgiveable names, he knew Youngjae would think take the blame on himself for Daehyun fighting.

Elbowing Deahyun in the side, Youngjae glared at him in disapproval. “You shouldn’t be fighting without a good reason. It only makes you look more like a delinquent.”

Of course, Daehyun had a good reason for fighting. Instead of arguing, he replied, “I’ll keep that in mind next time.”

They made it to Daehyun’s house in less than fifteen minutes. Youngjae immediately went up to Daehyun’s room while the other took a detour to the kitchen for snacks. This became a usual routine for the two on most afternoons. Youngjae didn’t enjoy going home, so he spent as much time with Daehyun as possible. They usually chill in Daehyun’s cramped room, sitting on his small bed, watching television or videos on the Internet, most of which were music related. They had that in common, a love of music, specifically R&B. The sounds were soothing and soulful, pulling them out of their angst driven lives. It was their escape from broken families and high school drama. The songs spoke to their hearts, spilling out the emotions they’ve been holding in most of the time unable to express themselves without fists colliding with others’ faces and curses spewing out of their mouths. But when it’s just them, listening to the music they love in the confines of Daehyun’s room, nothing else mattered and it’s fine for them to be themselves.

Daehyun walked into his room to find Youngjae perched on the bed cross-legged as usual. He had his back against the wall opposite the door as he flipped through one of Daehyun’s old magazines. After setting the snacks on his bed, Daehyun threw a damp cloth at Youngjae. “You should clean your face before my mom gets home and starts asking why you look uglier than usual.”

“Shut up!” Youngjae replied, doing as he was told. “You look worse than me anyways. Have you seen your own face recently?”

They laughed and joked for a while. Youngjae kicked Daehyun in the thigh after the other threw a book at him, hitting him in the chest. By this time, Daehyun turned on the TV and sat next to Youngjae on the bed. They didn’t say much, just passed time watching one video after another.

After some time, Youngjae decided to break the silence. ‘Is your face really okay?”

“What?” Daehyun asked, turning to look at the other. He was too absorbed in the TV to hear what Youngjae asked.

“Your face, does it hurt?” Youngjae was concerned because it was rare for Daehyun to actually take a hit in a fight. He was too skilled for someone as amateurish as that upperclassman to have landed such a direct hit.

“It’s fine. Stop being a mother hen.” With a side smile, Daehyun looked back at the television.

Youngjae poked Daehyun’s wounded cheek and watched as the other hissed in agony. “You don’t have to act so tough all the time, at least not in front of me.”

Reflexively, Daehyun punched his friend in the arm and cupped his cheek. “That fucking hurt!”

“Yeah,” the other huffed. “My arm fucking hurts now.”

“That’s your own fault. My jaw is throbbing like hell now.” After turning to face Youngjae, he kicked his friend off the bed and pointed towards the door. “Go get me an ice pack.” They always treat each other like this, constantly punching or kicking one another, but then again that’s how friends treat each other sometimes. Neither of them really minded though because these actions just show how close they had become.

When Youngjae came back with the icepack, Daehyun was stretched out on his bed. Instead of being a jerk and smashing the ice pack on Daehyun’s face, Youngjae placed the it gently on his cheek, while perching on the edge of the bed. “What’s bothering you? You’ve been kind of quiet since we left school.” Youngjae noticed that Daehyun was moodier than usual. Normally, Daehyun would become more talkative when the two of them were alone, but for some reason he wasn’t laughing and joking. Even though Daehyun was pushing Youngjae around, it was only half-heartedly. His smile wasn’t reaching his eyes and the knit in his brow wasn’t going away.

“It’s nothing.”

“Right,” Youngjae said sarcastically. “Something’s on your mind.” Using his finger, he poked Daehyun on the forehead causing his brow to relax. “Does it have something to do with the fight from earlier?”

Without a word, Daehyun looked away trying to ignore him, but Youngjae was rather persistent and decided to poke Daehyun in the side and call his name repeatedly until the other reacted. Finally fed up, Daehyun shoved Youngjae off his bed and said, “You’re so fucking annoying.”

“Then talk to me!” Youngjae climbed back on the bed. “What the hell happened?”

“I told you it was nothing,” he replied, rolling over and facing the wall.

“Daehyun,” Youngjae whined, attacking him from behind and pulling him into a back hug. “Talk to me.” He shook Daehyun a few times trying to get him to talk.

Pulling himself out of Youngjae’s arms and sitting up to face him, Daehyun asked, “Are you gay?”

“What?” Youngjae said startled. “Where did that come from?”

“Look, I don’t care if you are or not. It’s just…” Daehyun paused.

“Just what?” Youngjae shifted away from Daehyun, giving him space. “Is it because of what everyone says about me? Do you feel weird around me?”

“No. I told you, I don’t give a damn if you are or not. I just…”

“Just what?!”

“I just want to know what the hell I’m fighting for!” Daehyun couldn’t hold it in anymore. “I want to know whether I’m fighting because people are wrong or because people are just close-minded assholes for calling you names. Either way, you don’t deserve to be called a fag and I’m sick of hearing people talk about how you like it up the ass.”

Youngjae averted his eyes by looking towards the TV. “What if it’s true? What then?”

“I told you I don’t care. As your friend, I just want to know the truth.” Daehyun looked down and played with a loose string on his pants.

“Yeah,” Youngjae whispered, taking a deep breath. “I’m gay.”

The room remained silent as this new piece of information sunk in for Daehyun. He knew Youngjae never really talked about girls or showed any interest in those that approached him at school, but he never went as far as believing Youngjae was into guys.

“Now what?” Youngjae asked.

Daehyun reacted naturally by giving Youngjae yet another punch in the arm. “I told you I was cool with it. I mean, you’re still you right?”

Youngjae laughed while rubbing the soreness out of his arm. “Yeah, I’m still me.”

“That’s all that matters.” Daehyun gave his friend a smile and lied down on the bed, placing his hands behind his head.

“Wait.” The information finally caught up with Youngjae. “This was why you were fighting? Because people were calling me names?”

Shrugging, Daehyun replied, “I don’t like people talking shit about my friends behind their backs.”

“You didn’t have to get in a fight over it though. You should have just walked away. Now if we get in trouble, I’ll feel like it’s my fault. Why are you so hotheaded? Couldn’t you just…” Daehyun interrupted Youngjae’s rant by shoving him off the bed again.

“Your complaining is giving me a headache.” Daehyun rolled over and pretended to sleep, but Youngjae wasn’t going to allow him to get off easily for pushing him off the bed again. Without saying anything, he jumped on top of Daehyun and poked him relentlessly until the other couldn’t stand it anymore. Daehyun called a truce and they both ended up lying on Daehyun’s bed taking an afternoon nap.

After Youngjae’s confession, nothing changed between them, at least for a while anyways. On occasion Daehyun would tease Youngjae by asking him about what kind of guys he liked or by pointing out a classmate and asking, “Would you do him?” Youngjae didn’t mind at all though because it meant that Daehyun and him had grown closer. In all honesty, Daehyun was curious about Youngjae’s preferences.

A couple of weeks after Youngjae’s confession, the two of them were sitting in their regular lunch spot at the picnic tables away from the crowd in the lunchroom. Daehyun was pointing out random people asking Youngjae to rate them.

“What about him?” Daehyun pointed out a tall male with short dark hair. He was known for being a prodigy in the music department. The teacher’s loved him because he specialized in traditional music and never seemed to cause any problems. He was a model student.

“That’s too easy,” Youngjae replied. “I’ll give him a nine.”

“Why not ten?”

“He’s hot, but the problem is he knows he’s hot.” Youngjae leaned across the shiny metal picnic table. “I tell you a secret.” He gestured for Daehyun to come closer. “Himchan plays for both teams if you know what I mean.”

Daehyun raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Really?”

Glancing across the yard, Youngjae spotted another student, a third year. Pointing towards him, he said, “See that guy over there. His name is Bang Yongguk and he performs at the local club every Thursday night. Almost every week, Himchan can be found sitting in one of the back booths and after the show is over, Yongguk always keeps him company.” Youngjae ended with a wink and leaned back to let the information sink in for Daehyun. Even as they were talking, Yongguk looked across the yard catching Himchan’s attention. Both of them shared a smile before returning to their own circle of friends.

“How do you know all this?”

“I’m a genius,” Youngjae answered simply.

Grabbing hold of the science book that Daehyun placed next to his tray at the beginning of lunch, he swung it towards Youngjae clipping him on the side of the head.

“Oww! What was that for?”

“I was trying to smack the dumb out of you.” Daehyun shrugged and dropped his book back on the table.

With Youngjae rubbing the side of his head and scowling, they both returned to eating their meal before the next bell rang to usher them to class. They met up again after school to walk home together. As always, Youngjae planned to hangout at Daehyun’s house as late as possible before going home. Once they met up at the back gate, Youngjae threw his arm around Daehyun’s shoulders ready to tell him about something that happened during his last class, but before he could get three words out, a loud laugh caught their attention.

“See, I told you they were together. Pay up,” one of the guys said.

Daehyun and Youngjae turned to see who was talking. They recognized one of the guys from a previous fight, but the other two were less familiar.

“Daehyun,” called the guy he remembered giving a black eye. “You two look cozy. How long did it take before you were able to fuck him?”

Clenching his fist and stepping forward, Daehyun was ready to attack, but Youngjae grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Leave it,” Youngjae pleaded. “He’s not worth our time. Let’s just go home.”

“Yeah, why don't you be a good little boy and do as your wife says,” one of the other guys piped. “You wouldn’t want to get in trouble now, would you?”

Youngjae gripped harder to make sure Daehyun didn’t fly forward to attack the guy. They were angry and more than capable of beating these three guys easily, but neither of them could afford getting into more trouble for the rest of the year. Daehyun was worse off than Youngjae and the latter tried everything in his power to make sure Daehyun didn’t get suspended because school just would be fun without him.

“Actually,” the familiar one said. “I’m surprised Youngjae caught Daehyun.”

“Why?” Daehyun asked. “Are you jealous?” Placing his arm around Youngjae’s waist, he pulled him close and to Youngjae’s surprise Daehyun planted a kiss directly on his lips. It wasn’t a simple kiss either. Daehyun tilted his head and placed his free hand at the nape of Youngjae’s neck, deepening the kiss causing the other’s breath to catch. After causing Youngjae’s face to turn red, Daehyun broke away and looked back to the other guys. “Maybe if you guys stopped being dicks, you’d be able to catch someone too.”

Leaving everyone stunned, Daehyun kept his arm around Youngjae and pulled him in the direction of his home. Youngjae mindlessly followed Daehyun because he was too stuck on what just happened between them. He didn’t understand it. Daehyun had clearly showed no possibility of being the slightest bit interested in Youngjae that way and yet, he was capable of doing something so intimate with him.

It wasn’t until they were actually at Daehyun’s place that Youngjae was able to make a coherent thought. As Daehyun started up the stairs, Youngjae paused with his foot on the first step and his hand on the railing. “Why did you kiss me?”

Daehyun stopped a step from the top and replied without turning to face Youngjae. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t give me that crap.” Youngjae took a few hesitant steps forward and asked again. “Why’d you kiss me?”

Daehyun remained silent at the top of the stairs with both arms hanging limply on each side. After a few moments, he answered, “Because I felt like it.” Without giving Youngjae the opportunity to ask further, he continued down the hall and into his room.

Youngjae felt stuck to the bottom of the stairs. He wasn’t sure if he should follow Daehyun or just go home early. He didn’t want to do the second option, but actually facing Daehyun didn’t sound appealing either. Eventually, he sat at the bottom of the stairs, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, contemplating how to face his best friend.

Up in his room, Daehyun wasn’t the calmest of people either. As soon as he closed his bedroom door, he ran his fingers through his hair pulling at it in frustration and plopped onto his bed burying his face in his pillow. He began mentally telling himself how much of an idiot he was for doing something so stupid. But after some time of his internal struggling, he realized that he should probably face Youngjae and talk about the situation before it makes their friendship awkward.

Honestly, it had been a few years since Daehyun had a friend as close and Youngjae and he was growing accustomed to having the other guy around. With the thought of not wanting to lose Youngjae in mind, Daehyun got off his bed and shuffled out of his room. To his surprise, Youngjae was still sitting at the foot of the stairs. Without saying anything, Daehyun climbed down the stairs and sat next to Youngjae. The other didn’t react to his presence, so Daehyun leaned over and bumped shoulders with him.

Eventually, Daehyun quietly said, “I thought you would have left already.”

Youngjae glanced at him from the corner of his eye, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry,” Daehyun added when the silence continued.

“Why’d you do it?” Youngjae asked yet again.

Sighing deeply, Daehyun clasped his hands together in his lap and leaned back, looking up at the ceiling. “Which reason do you want first?”

“Just tell me.” Youngjae was becoming impatient. He wasn’t sure if he should be happy or upset at Daehyun for kissing him. He had always liked the guy, but he never planned on sharing that piece of information with Daehyun because he didn’t want to ruin their friendship.

“Well,” Daehyun began. “I wanted to put those guys in their place and you weren’t going to let me smash their faces in, so I kissed you. I figured if they saw we had that kind of relationship and weren’t ashamed of it, they wouldn’t be able to tease us anymore.” He chuckled a bit. “It worked pretty well don’t you think?”

“Yeah, sure,” Youngjae said half-heartedly. “But we don’t have that kind of relationship.”

“True.” Daehyun became quiet again watching Youngjae’s back.

“What’s the other reason?” Youngjae asked after a few moments.

Daehyun smiled to himself and sat up so that he could see Youngjae’s face when he answered. “Because,” he paused, “I wanted to know what it felt like to kiss you.”

Youngjae turned his head giving Daehyun a look that seemed to ask, “What?”

“It’s just something that’s been on my mind lately.” Daehyun shrugged. “I wanted to know if kissing you felt different than kissing girls.”

“Does it?”

“I’m not sure,” Daehyun laughed. “I haven’t kissed a girl in ages.”

“Then how does that logic even work, Daehyun?” Youngjae stifled a laugh and swiped his hand across his face. “You really are an idiot.”

“Sorry we can’t all be geniuses like you, Yoo Youngjae.”

“So you finally admit that I’m a genius?” Youngjae grinned.

“Don’t let it go to your head.” Daehyun smirked while pushing Youngjae’s head away. “You’re head is already oversized.”

“That’s because it has to accommodate for the size of my brain,” Youngjae countered.

After teasing each other, the tension surrounding them faded away. Youngjae took a deep breath and finally said something that he had kept bottled up for a while. His voice was low, but Daehyun heard him clearly. Youngjae’s “I like you” hung in the air between them for barely a moment before Daehyun replied, “I know.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Youngjae ran his foot along the bottom step, forcing himself not to look at Daehyun.

“Because I thought you would want to tell me on your own time,” Daehyun explained.

“How long have you known?”

“Since I started hearing the rumors about you. Even before we were friends, I knew you always watched me, but I didn’t think much of it.”

“I guess you realize I had ulterior motives in becoming your friend then.”

Daehyun shoulder bumped Youngjae again. “I don’t really mind. Besides, I had ulterior motives when I kissed you.” Youngjae eyed Daehyun curiously. “My third reason was to see if you really liked me. I guess my plan worked.”

“You’re an ass,” Youngjae exclaimed. “You just wanted to tease me.”

“I can’t help it,” Daehyun laughed. “You’re just so easy to play with.”

Standing up, Daehyun pushed Youngjae off the stairs and retreated back to his room. Once Youngjae caught himself, he chased after Daehyun, tackling the other onto the bed. They wrestled for a few minutes, both breathing heavy after struggling against one another. Laughing together, Daehyun finally gave up after Youngjae sat on top of him and had him pressed into the matress.

Through their laughs, Youngjae eyes became serious as he leaned in closer to Daehyun. Hesitantly, he asked, “Can I kiss you?”

“You don’t have to ask,” Daehyun said coolly.

Closing the gap between them, Youngjae gently placed his lips against Daehyun’s. Unable to control himself, he pressed harder, moving their mouths together and introducing his tongue to the mix. Warm breaths mixed as Youngjae ran his fingers through Daehyun’s hair trying to hold him closer. Daehyun grabbed hold of Youngjae’s shirt trying to find someway to anchor him to the reality of what was happening between him and his best friend. Eventually, the kiss ended and the boys rested beside one another on Daehyun’s bed.

“What does this make us?” Youngjae voiced the question they were both thinking.

“Friends with benefits,” Daehyun suggested.

“What if I’m not okay with that?” Youngjae wanted a real relationship with Daehyun, not something simply physical.

“You’re a good friend Youngjae,” Daehyun replied. “But I don’t know if I can give you what you want.”

“Can we at least try?” Youngjae’s voice came out unsure and deflated.

After thinking for a few moments, Daehyun turned to face Youngjae. “I’ll give you a chance, since we’re friends and all. Just so you know, I still like girls and you’re not really my type.” He pushed Youngjae off the bed. “And you take up way too much space on my bed.”

Youngjae rolled across the floor, coming to a stop and rubbing his butt. “That fucking hurt!”

“It’s not my fault you’re so oversized.”

Youngjae stood ready to pounce on Daehyun for insulting him.

“Go get me a drink and something to eat. I’m starving.” Daehyun smiled up innocently at Youngjae.

“Fine,” Youngjae said, picking up a pair of Daehyun’s dirty shorts off the floor and throwing them at their owner. “Only because I’m hungry too.”

As Daehyun pulled the shorts off his face, Youngjae quickly leaned in giving him a kiss. Pulling away he said, “From now on, every time you order me around, I get a kiss.” Turning, he left before Daehyun could retaliate.

Daehyun lay on the bed thinking of ways to get back at Youngjae. He could get used to the way things were going between them. Youngjae seemed really happy with having everything out in the open and Daehyun didn’t mind receiving Youngjae’s affection. Maybe someday he could return Youngjae’s feelings.

Daehyun bit at his lower lip thinking about that last kiss. Yeah, he could definitely get used to this relationship because Youngjae was one hell of a kisser.