Not Broken, Just Incomplete (continuation..)
(continuation..)
“So, I heard the university party is this Saturday, the usual, after our exams,” Taeyeon said casually as the two of us ate lunch. The others were still buying their food.
“I’m not sure if I’m going…” I answered briefly.
And I think Taeyeon understood my answer, because she shifted to another topic without another word about the party.
…
…
From: Hyo
Sica!! I miss you!!
Soo, Sunny, and I are planning to ‘ditch’ our own block mates during the latter part of the university party, and then we’ll meet up at the plaza!
You wanna meet up with us?? We asked Fany, too! PLEASE say yes!!^^
When I received that text, along with the others, my mind could only think of you… yet again. I thank the heavens for their invite. I thought maybe this was my last chance to know if you were still part of my life or not.
So, I texted you.
To: Tiff
Hey… Hyo and the others texted me… Are you going tonight?
I miss you, Tiff… please go…
I’m reaching out to you again… for the first time in almost a year.
Then, you rejected me… for the first time.
From: Tiff
I’ll think about it. But I’m quite sure I don’t wanna go.
Sorry, Jess.
And that moment… was the first time I ever considered the fact that maybe you no longer cared about me.
If you cared, then you wouldn’t keep on hurting me. You wouldn’t be keeping my hopes up, only to let me down in the end.
If you cared, then you would know that I’ve been hurting… ever since the moment you broke your promise.
~~~+~~~
“Yah, Sica! Where are you? We’re at the plaza now! - YEAH, SICA! RUN! - Idiot, don’t shout!! - Don’t tell me what to do, shorty! - BIGFOOT! - Quit fighting, kids!---”
I smiled at hearing my friends’ voices on the phone. I miss hanging out them. I guess I still made the right choice attending the stupid party.
“Guys!” I shouted to get their attention. “I’ll be there in a minute or two. ‘Human traffic’, you know.”
“Ok… are you with Fany now?”
My heart instantly throbbed at the mention of your name, and as always, there was nothing I could do but ignore it. I sighed inwardly as I passed through the crowd, my eyes focused to the direction I’m heading to.
“Sica…?”
“Fany’s not coming. She said she didn’t wanna attend the par-”
I stopped in midsentence, my ears perked at the laugh I just heard not far from me.
Amidst the loud crowd, that laugh stood out… like a baby’s piercing cry among the adults’ hollow laughs. I could recognize that one of a kind laugh anywhere. I just hoped I was wrong.
My head turned on impulse…
…and there you were, smiling as you walked by with two other people I didn’t know.
…
You lied to me.
…
Right then and there, without you even knowing it, you stabbed my heart and made it bleed.
~~~+~~~
“Sica, you sure you’re gonna drink, too?”
“Can you tolerate alcohol?”
“Yeah… you’re still hyperacidic, aren’t you? It’s really alright if you just drink some -”
My friends stared at me with wide eyes and curious expressions. I shrugged off all rational thoughts and forced a smile.
“Nonsense, guys. If I’m gonna drink for the first time, let it be with you guys.”
And that was the end of the questions… and the start of a hell night.
…
I was hell-bent on getting wasted. It was stupid, I know. But it seemed like the only way out. It was the only way to temporarily ease the pain. It was a lame attempt, but I’m desperate. I’m pathetic.
…
…
With every sip, I felt the liquor lining down my throat and stinging my abdominal lining… but I kept going. With every bottle, the memory of you only gets clearer. I guess I should’ve known that forgetting you wasn’t so easy. Any attempt was simply futile.
…
I’m not quite sure how it all ended, but I woke up in Sunny’s dorm with my head pounding hard and my stomach burning like hell.
The pain was pure torture, you know. Double dose of antacids didn’t work, drinking water aggravated the pain, and I only vomited whatever food touches my intestine.
I cried so much, but not just from physical pain.
I cried… because despite the physical hurt, it still wasn’t enough to cover up the pain I felt in my heart. The wounds are still fresh, and there’s no you to stitch it up like always.
…
Time passed, but I’m still crying… and you’re still not here to rescue me and wipe my tears.
I’m losing hope.
And I’m slowly losing my grip on you.
~~~+~~~
I rushed from the library as soon as I heard you say you were drunk. I was worrying my ass off, trying to get to you before anything bad happens. It was already half past 7 in the evening, and you still dragged yourself to school for night class despite your drunken state.
Stupid Move of the Year goes to Tiffany Hwang, I cursed in my head.
…
“Tiffany!” I found you barely conscious on the bench outside your building. Your head was tilted back and your arms rested at the sides of your body, acting like stands to keep you from falling backwards. Your hair was a little messed up and I could make out the creases on your uniform.
My chest tightened at seeing you so wasted.
It’s been weeks since you last called me, and to see you like this, it was so disheartening. I hated seeing you looking so weak and miserable. I hated the fact that I didn’t know what you’ve gone through. I felt guilty … I felt like I was being such a lousy and useless best friend.
…
“Tiff…” I tapped your cheek gently, but you were already passed out, your body almost immediately falling into me.
I was right on time to come to your rescue… but I was much too late to prevent the ‘damage’ that was done.
My chest tightened even more at seeing your tearstained face. I wanted so much to make you feel better… but how do I do it, Tiff? You’re shutting me out every time I get too close. Am I not reaching out enough to let you reach my hand?
I could only stand here and wait for you to open up to me like you used to.
…
Until then, I’ll be your hero every time you need me to be.
I’ll leave my door open for you.
…
…
“I love you, Tiffany…” I whispered after I helped you clean up and tucked you into your bed.
Looking at your calm face relieved the heavy feeling in my chest… but somehow, my heart still pounded hard… Because I realized how much I missed your optimism, your smile, your laugh, your annoying jokes, your ridiculous arguments…
I miss you.
…
At that moment, I was sure I’d never give up on you.
~~~+~~~
Even God gets exhausted, too. He rested after doing everything He could for this world we’re living in.
I’m not a god.
With every thought of you, my heart grows weaker… my weary eyes water… and my body trembles from the hurtful memories…
I’m only human. I have limits.
I’m tired, Tiff…
~~~+~~~
From: Tiff
Jessi… are you busy?
Let’s meet up?
…
I was at the library when you texted me. It’s been a couple of months since that party. The bitterness in me only grew stronger with each passing day without you.
I wanted to ignore you… I wanted to show what it’s like to hear me say ‘no’… I wanted to hate you…
But I couldn’t. It was as simple as that.
…
…
“Hey,” was all you said in greeting.
I kept silent as I sat down next to you on the bench. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. Even though this wasn’t the first time you suddenly reappeared in my life, I felt like this time was different.
You were different.
That straight face… those unemotional, worn out eyes with bags lining under them… that rigid posture and guarded stance… even those dull-colored clothes…
This wasn’t you, Tiffany.
And I felt scared more than ever.
…
…
“I miss high school,” you said as you looked up at the sky.
I only looked at you, still not knowing what to say.
“I was better in high school, don’t you think so, Jess?”
Your eyes met mine, and looking into those eyes felt like looking into a strangers’. I couldn’t read your thoughts anymore. I couldn’t see you.
“Life was better back then, right?”
“Yes, it was,” I answered in all honesty.
A small smile formed on your pale lips, but it faded as soon as it appeared. “Now, life isn’t as easy… People in higher places step on you… People you think you knew betray you… Now, I’ve come to realize why you all said I was too nice for my own good.”
“Tiff…” I reached out and held your hand…
…but you pulled away.
“I’m not the same Tiffany anymore.”
That was the only confirmation I needed.
…
You’re broken…
And it hurts to admit that maybe I’m not the one who can fix you.
Maybe I’m not the one you needed.
…
I’ve finally lost you.
~~~+~~~
I’m not dumb. I knew when enough was enough.
For years, I’ve cared for you and treasured our friendship like my life depended on it.
For years, I’ve loved you with all my heart, behind closed doors.
For years, I’ve hoped that you’ll come back to me and never leave.
For years, I’ve tried to understand you.
For years, I was stuck on you, just waiting.
All that, and I was still too late to recover whatever remained in this relationship we had.
You always open the door, only to push me out harshly in the end.
…
Enough was enough.
…
My hands are now hurting in this struggle to pull you up.
And now, I’m just exhausted beyond words - physically and emotionally.
It was time for me to walk away and move on with my life.
Even though it hurts, I’m letting you fall… I’m finally letting you go.
~~~+~~~
“You’re applying in a med school… in London. It’s nowhere near Korea, Sica. Are you sure?” Taeyeon stared at me.
I let out a breath and nodded once. “This is what’s best for me.”
“But is it what you want?”
“It’s what I need…”
~~~+~~~
I love you, Tiffany Hwang… but for now, I’m saying goodbye.
The chapters in my life with you in it have finally ended, and so, I’ll turn to the next one. Our story is cut off here. But maybe in the next chapter, we’ll meet again. Maybe then, I'd have forgotten about all the hurts. Maybe then, I'll be able to look back and only remember the good times we've shared.
My story book life isn’t broken… I’ll live on without you. But without you in the story, it will always feel incomplete.
~~~+~~~
A/N: So that's that.. This shot's been bugging me for like forever. I finally finished it.
Thank you for reading.