Horus and Hathor 2/2
Title: Horus and Hathor
Author: leetaemint
Rating: PG-15 for character death.
Pairing/Focus: Kim Kibum/??
Summary: Kibum loves every single story Horus posts on their journal. Based on the first of the stories from the book 'Never trust a Computer' (Nunca confíes en una Computadora) by Verónica Sukaczer, named 'Never will I be able to reach to you' (Jamás podré alcanzarte).
A/N: This is like SOOOOOOO OOC it hurts! You have been warned.
***
music - 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 (just play whatever you feel like, all six work the same on me :) OKAY WELL YOU CAN ALSO LISTEN TO YOUR OWN ANGSTY SONGS IF YOU WANT TO IT'S NOT LIKE I AM FORCING YOU INTO ANYTHING ;-; )
-Horus disconnected the system-
Soon Kibum found himself staring blankly at the computer screen, typing words and questions to no one in particular, still waiting for a response.
“Horus disconnected the system” he muttered, teeth clenching. That wasn’t a very nice way to end up a conversation or bid goodbye even, like, at all. Kibum took it more like an invitation to throw the whole computer machine down right at Horus’ head.
But then again, Kibum thought, perhaps he now was starting to discover yet another one of Horus’ different facades.
After all, trying to figure out around a person without a face, voice or stare, wasn’t easy, not even possible.
-
Kibum was by then a healthy seventeen year old young man, senior in high school, soon majoring in dentistry and dental surgery. He had been living in Los Angeles for about eighteen months now, with his mother and granny, ever since his departure from the town he was born and raised in, there in his home country. It was very hard to adapt at the new environment at first, but Kibum eventually managed himself to get by.
Meeting Horus, almost two years ago, had been a great source of happiness and sometimes relief for the Kibum who ever since he was thirteen had admired the author of such wonderful stories that made Kibum have sweet dreams.
Actually, Kibum never in his dreams could have never imagined himself becoming so close to Horus. They were really meant for each other, or so Kibum thought.
Theirs were the longest, almost eternal, conversations ever held in history. Conversations about nothing in particular, yet so meaningful for both young men, for Kibum they meant a lot.
The magic of his own words reverberating, being brought to life like a cold, clean river in late winter; words so fluent and neat it sometimes surprised the teen that was very bad at speaking. The fact Horus could manage to make Kibum blurt out words he himself didn’t know he actually knew the meaning, it was even better.
Even though Kibum did not really know Horus in a physical way.
Not even his name; it wasn’t like Horus did know his, either. For Horus and other people from the chat room he was just ‘Key’. Or sometimes, when he and Horus were alone, in the private chat room they created for the two of them alone, he would be Hathor.
The Hathor to his Horus, like the married couple those ancient Egyptian gods became. Kibum was just too enamored by Horus he was willing to take anything for him; even if that meant he had to go under an actual female name. To Horus he no longer was Key; he was eventually turned into Hathor.
Kibum still held in his mind the fresh reminiscence of their first time talking together, even if it had been a long time ago, he still did. Yet he was plainly convinced it was just an unrequited childish infatuation. That it was just him the one who ever got goosebumps whenever the other would log into the chat. Kibum thought he was the immature one.
A couple of months went by, and Horus started addressing him as Hathor. The first time he did it was when no one else was into the chat room for Horus’ fans, and that was enough for Kibum to go insane, even if he knew nothing about Egyptian mythology.
“If back then you would have told me we would get separated for almost three thousand years, re encounter each other after all this time, only being able to talk through these infernal devices I might as well have locked you up into a pyramid or something”.
And then it hit Kibum that perhaps he wasn’t the only one feeling like this after all.
The next day Horus told Hathor how joyous the moment of reuniting again was, allowing Kibum to wander among stars of different colors and shapes, was the day his parents and him gathered on the dining table because they had some important announcement.
Kibum had been talking to Horus all day long and he was feeling the happiest; trying to ignore the constant arguing his parents have had lately.
It was also the day they announced him they were filing for a divorce. Kibum was already sixteen years old, but the actual age didn’t matter at all, for he felt like a five year old all over again.
But in the end he tried hard not to tear up in front of them, he ran to his computer instead. To his Horus.
To Kibum, Horus was just an alphabet on his screen; he knew from first hand that Horus never made an orthographic mistake, typed really fast, read a lot, when he laughed he typed down ‘hehe’ instead of ‘LOL’ or ‘haha’, and was a lovesick romantic young man who could as well have lived on the nineteenth century because to Kibum, Horus sometimes acted a little too much melancholic.
But that aside, Kibum couldn’t have known Horus’ real name, nor could have he cared less about it, because to him, it only was about Horus and Hathor, nothing else.
“Hathor! Hathor! The moonbeams glow with delight whenever the moonlight kisses them goodbye! Where are you? They should miss you as bad as I do…for they refuse to bloom next spring unless you come back!”
“Hathor! Hathor! The lotus flowers you planted on the soil when the Nile was first created finally blossomed! Come here to see how beautiful they are! I miss you…”
Horus typed really fast, even before Kibum managed to reply to the first message he already sent the second and later on a third one, asking how Kibum was feeling that day.
It was also that magical spell they had put each other under that allowed them to feel each other's thoughts even if it was through a mere computing machine, they always knew whether the other one was happy, or sad, angry, annoyed…
“My dear, you said you were only going away for supper…yet I can tell you are crying…when it had only been supper…what happened?”
“I…”
“What is it that makes your heart ache?”
And then Kibum broke down, telling Horus everything that had happened the past hour.
That night Kibum learned that as long as Horus was there with him, he could be able to get by, not really mattering what he had to go through. Horus had become his stone without really trying.
“Hey”
“What is it?”
“Thanks”
“Thanks for what?”
“Thanks…for being with me…”
Kibum bit his lower lip, a rage of variable feelings racing through his heart, and mind.
“I…”
“Love”
And hesitating whether or not finish typing the phrase he originally meant to write, he shyly pressed the keyboard keys.
“You”
Horus didn’t reply at all. Kibum felt as his heart had been ripped in two with an old, rusty blade.
Between sobs, he slowly realized he didn’t even type the message at all; he just uttered that short sentence. Horus couldn’t possibly have ever heard it.
It panged Kibum’s heart, typing words through a BBS system wasn’t enough anymore.
But Kibum decided not to care. He didn’t care anymore. All he cared about was Horus himself, and what Horus actually represented to Kibum.
Both of them were sick of the real world they had to put up with everyday and with the unfairness and fakeness that came along with it.
It was on a phone conference that Horus casted a spell on Kibum. “If I would have known I would lose you for three thousand years I would have locked you up in our chambers, even if that meant it would restrain you from going to the river you loved.” And ever since then, the phone bill came more and more expensive as time went by.
His parents tried convincing him that it was okay to occasionally log in from time to time, make new friends and chat a little and all that, but the telephone company still held no mercy with new technologies, and that was a problem for their pocket.
Kibum soon had them choosing between two options:
Months after Horus’ confession and the divorce of his parents went by, and Kibum was announced that he was soon moving to Los Angeles alongside his mother and grandmother; his mother was a fashion designer who had just been offered a very good position within Carolina Herrera, and after the whole divorce issue she was in need of money, having a mother who needed the attentions an elder required, and a teenage son whose custody she had just won over.
That night Horus was online, and Kibum sent him a private message.
“I…am moving…”
Horus did not reply, and Kibum kept on writing.
“I am moving to America”
“…”
Kibum was aware that Horus always wrote those three periods whenever he didn’t know what to say.
Kibum still kept on typing.
“I am sorry…”
“There is nothing to apologize for”
“But I will stay in contact, though!”
“…”
“I promise…”
No answer.
Kibum could feel the tears that drowned his eyes, typing one last sentence before breaking into a soundless whimper.
“I want to see you, Horus…”
-Horus disconnected the system-
The day after, Kibum received an apology message from Horus. Apparently, there was a problem with the Internet server and he was forced to leave earlier without time to even bid goodbye.
“Did you see my last message?” he asked to the screen.
The screen was blank, Horus was reluctant to talk.
“I leave the 27th of this month…”
“Do you…”
Kibum was the only one writing.
“want to meet somewhere…”
“with me?”
“Do you want to meet me?”
Fingers trembling, his heart bumped from his thoracic cage when he got a reply from Horus.
“What if I am a monster?” it read.
“I…” Kibum stared blankly at the chat room layout.
“I have been yours for millenniums now… isn’t there anything I don’t know about you already? I think I would know whether you are a monster or not.”
“Yes, but what I didn’t tell you before is that I was brutally murdered, had my internal guts removed, and was cremated and later on my meat was fed to cats and wild dogs…”
Kibum was about to reply, but Horus was faster, as always.
“I wouldn’t want you seeing me in such state…”
And Kibum thought Horus was maybe right. If they ever met, that magic would be forever lost. If they held another conversation already knowing each other it would not be the same. Even after all this time, Horus was still the wise god Hathor fell in love with.
Kibum left on March the 27th South Korea to head off to America, with watery eyes.
However he kept loyal to his promise and stayed in touch with Horus.
-
The day after ‘Horus disconnected the system’ (the second time it ever happened), Kibum was spending a holiday break in South Korea, at his father’s. He logged into the BBS chat at the usual hour, as always. He was expecting to receive an apology from Horus, just like the one he sent to Kibum last time it happened, but Horus wasn’t online this time. Kibum stayed for two hours straight, perhaps even more, staring down at the blank screen.
The same went for the following days. A week later, Kibum wrote to the sysop (system operator) and asked her if she knew anything regarding his disappeared friend.
“Horus phones the site every day, though he does it very late in the morning; three, four in the morning…” she replied back. “Then I don’t understand why doesn’t he leave a message for me or anything…hasn’t he phoned you?” Kibum asked, worried. “Don’t you know anything” he asked again. Later on he could hear the faint sound of mumbles, some seconds later the sysop cracked her voice again. She can’t be more than twenty-five, now can she, he thought to himself. Perhaps more or less the age Horus might have as for the moment; twenty, soon turning twenty-one. A healthy college student trying to get a Communications degree at Seoul National University, or so he was told. Now that he looked back at the fans page, he talked to a huge variety of people before locking himself only to talk exclusively to Kibum. He could remember some of them did have a great deal of information concerning Horus, he wondered again what was it that made Horus suddenly so reluctant in talking about real life with anyone. Or was it only to Kibum? Perhaps everyone else did know Horus’ life, voice, face…
“No, he does not…but now that you mention it, I also find his behavior a little bit strange…logging into the system in the morning, but barely talking to anyone, in fact I don’t think he actually talks to anyone at all…he just roams around the page like a crazy mad man. He doesn’t play, doesn’t write, doesn’t talk…If you want, I could talk to him and ask what’s wrong…”
“No, thanks” Kibum said almost immediately. “I will ask the others about him…or I will log in at that same hour and try talking to him”
That day Kibum stayed up until 2:30 am and then he connected the computer to the telephone. If there was any possibility that Horus suddenly decided to start ignoring him, then Kibum had a very funny surprise for him.
It wasn’t until around three fifteen in the morning that Kibum finally saw Horus online; he quickly sent Horus an invitation to chat. Horus did not reply.
Still, Kibum could notice by glancing at the system window that Horus did wander throughout the system like a drunken man, not knowing what to do next, just like the sysop said. First, he was in the games section, then he jumped to the teleconference room and later on he was on the profiles page. Kibum at first felt disappointed but decided just to follow around for the next couple days to see what happened next. What he came to realize a week after was that Horus behaved more calmly and less like a drunk man when he was around; at least he stayed at the same place for a longer time, instead of jumping around, which meant he could see Kibum.
Still, that made the teen even more confused. He could not possibly understand what was going on.
Horus ended up twisting Kibum’s life; his life began at 3 am when he connected the system and ended when he logged out. When he went back to America he lost any notion of time; because of Horus he slept all day long and connected at night, he didn’t study well, almost dropped out of high school, he stopped talking to his friends, and he was normally seen napping at school alone. Kibum only cared about Horus, if it wasn’t about Horus, then he was not interested.
Kibum could clearly see Horus online, even though this one never replied to him; he could feel him even though he could not see him clearly (has he even seen Horus at all before?).
Kibum tried everything he could think of to make Horus answer his calls. He tried acting as if he were mad at him, he tried getting mad at Horus for real, he tried convincing, he tried pleading, begging Horus to talk to him again…perhaps Horus’ computer wasn’t working at all so Horus perhaps was trying fixing it every night, so that might explain the fact Horus could not possibly get any notifications, which was the explanation behind all this.
This was driving Kibum nuts. All he needed to know was what made Horus so hard to contact all of a sudden. All he needed to know was if Horus wasn’t just ignoring him because he grew tired of Kibum; that was why, one night, heart in throat, Kibum decided to try something more simple:
“Horus, if you can read me, press the ‘a’”
“A”
Kibum could feel as if his guts made heart exploded, his fingers were trembling, and perhaps was it because of the lack of good sleep or because he never could think properly when it came to talking to Horus.
“Is something wrong with your computer? Answer yes or no”
“No”
Kibum sighed hopelessly; his patience was not big enough to stand anyone, not even Horus.
“Then is something wrong with you? Answer yes or no”
“Yes”
Heart aching, Kibum kept typing. Glad that at last he had gotten to contact…his beloved? Could he even name Horus like that?
“Would you like to talk about it?”
No answer.
“You know, my knowledge isn’t really that big but I’d love to be of any help for you…”
Two minutes later a reply was seen.
“No, I can’t…”
“Allow me to feel useful…I want you this time to lean on me, and not the other way around…just like it’s normally like…”
“…”
“...Nothing”
Then Horus went crazy again and Kibum could see him jumping and bouncing throughout the BBS menu as if he were in a room and threw himself right down at the walls, bouncing.
Kibum couldn’t get Horus to reply anymore that night, but at least he knew Horus could read and answer his messages.
As time went by, Kibum was again able to talk to Horus almost like before; they talked for hours, and even though Horus no longer raced around like a mad man he was still evading Kibum’s questions about his problems. Eventually Kibum forgot Horus was no longer the Horus he used to be, the one he first fell in love with, and loved him again. He loved every single one of Horus’ words, each one of his phrases, and every single one of his silences as well.
The new Horus was far more comprehensive, but more apprehensive when it came to himself. Horus started asking Kibum to talk more about himself and his current life. His long-distance special someone could listen to Kibum for hours and could answer to Kibum’s questions always with the right phrase or word, saying or advice. Suddenly it appeared to the youngster that Horus had turned into some kind of philosopher who knew a lot about life itself, as if he had been living for a very long time.
One day Kibum’s father offered his son to go back to Korea for the summer holidays and Kibum accepted.
That same day Kibum found out that deep within himself the only thing he cared about anymore was the thing that was behind that screen, typing under the nickname of ‘Horus’, there in that farthest world that seemed so surreal to even exist anywhere.
“I’ll be back in Korea soon…only for a while though” Kibum one day wrote.
“I am glad to hear that”
“I…want to meet you…” Kibum’s timid message was suddenly followed by another one that looked more like an apology. “Is it okay? I mean, I know you perhaps are busy with college and all that but…”
“I am sorry, dearest…”
“I need to see your face, listen to your voice…or else I will go crazy”
“I can’t”
“You can’t, or you don’t want?”
“What’s the difference?”
“You knew this would sooner or later happen…talking like this no longer satisfies me. I need you. I need to meet the real you. Are you really that scared? There’s no other person alive in this world that knows me better than you…”
“Do you really think I would care whether you are tall or small, fat or skinny, handsome or ugly?”
“Seriously, I can’t. Let’s just say this life -real life, no longer suits me…”
“Are you trying to tell me you are some kind of creep isolate hiding within your room? Well, then! I think it’s better than having an old gross man calling me ‘dearest wife’ then! You don’t’ know how relieved I am to know you are not a scary molester! So glad!”
“Don’t you like it when I call you like that?”
Kibum knew there was venom in every word he furiously typed out, but he no longer cared. All these long-suppressed feelings were overwhelming him and he knew it was now helpless to turn back. He has now gotten himself into the first fight with Horus.
“Not really when I don’t even know you?”
“Fine”
“Fine? Just fine? What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know! I just thought that all along you didn’t really mind all this! That it was okay you had a faceless boyfriend who lived on the other half of earth? That all that money spent by your parents trying to pay for the bills was really worth it? I don’t know! I don’t want to know! Just like I don’t want to know anything about the real you!”
“Are…since when did we become boyfriends?”
“I don’t know! I just thought all the indirect phrases about you being the Hathor to my Horus were enough for you to notice we had something special!”
“So are you basically saying you don’t want to know a thing about me?”
“I can’t meet you in person…I am sorry but I am serious about it!”
“So am I” Kibum was on the verge of tears already. “Then what do we do?” he was fuming tremendously. “Keep talking like this until the end of times?”
“Just what we have been doing since forever” Horus quickly replied. “Or is it, my queen, that you want to save us both from the indelible curse we both were thrown at?” Kibum’s eyes went sore. “That one that says you’ll never be at my reach? That one that says I should forever be out of yours?”
“Shut it! I am not your freaking queen! I am a boy! I am not playing either” Kibum warned. “You know what I am talking about…”
“Then what about the magic that we tried to cherish for so long?”
“Horus, can’t you see I need you?” Kibum almost yelled at his computer screen.
“I am right here, darling…”
“I told you I am not playing!” Key disconnected the system. This time Kibum was the one who quit chatting.
He tried forgetting about Horus, and hoped he didn’t pursue anything as well. But Horus did look for him and Kibum could not resist him, and everything started all over again. It was when he started suspecting Horus (what he told him about being a creep or a molesting pedophile had never really crossed his mind before). Perhaps he was an eleven year old who could write very well, or an 80 year old man who missed his youth. He woke up. He had loved a stranger all this time…he needed to meet him, see his face, know where he lived…
So it seemed quite a good idea contacting a friend of his, who had been his senior back then when he still was a high school freshman, and a very good friend; back then when his parents weren’t separated and he lived quite an average life as a Korean student. He was very much into computers and alongside a friend, they opened a computing shop.
Shim Changmin was quite amicable, and if he could hack into the school’s system and change all the schedules so that his group would never get any actual classes without ever getting caught then this was the job for him.
So he sent him an e-mail message challenging him to find Horus’ personal information on the BBS database.
Eight days later he found on the inbox a reply from Changmin: “Eureka! I almost got caught in the middle of finding out about that Horus dude and because I wasn’t really doing anything at the workshop Kyuhyun almost got me fired, but hey, it was fun while it lasted! Here it is!”
Kibum looked down at the attached text file containing Horus’ real name, which by the way wasn’t Horus, but Kim Jaejoong; the address of the flat he was currently living in, and the address of his parents, also the telephone numbers of both places.
“That’s all, gorgeous. Now I have to bid goodbye or else Kyuhyun will kill me for sure, haha. Now let me have some time to think what I should ask as a payback~ not really sure yet but you could as well set me up on a date with that cute little dancing cousin of yours! What was his name, again? Taemin? Bah, who cares, I will figure it out once you tell me when and where, and just so you know I won’t be accepting any lame excuses like your cousin didn’t really want to go on a date with me since I won’t believe any of them~ Have I told you about the way he was looking at me at that party when you introduced us both? Like, he almost got his neck twitched because of all the starin-”
Kibum closed the window. He had now what he wanted and wasn’t really feeling like reading his friend’s rambling about his private life, even though he knew that was the least he could at least do since Changmin did really help him out a lot in this one.
He immediately thought in calling Horus, or Jaejoong, but he immediately dumped the idea realizing Horus would not like it even a bit. So he decided to head directly to Horus’ house and talk face to face with him. The next day he asked his dad to lend him the car for a while and so he drove to the apartment building Horus was supposed to live in. He went to check on the name list to see if there was any Kim Jaejoong on it with no success. He then thought perhaps the flat was under the name of someone else, probably a flat mate, so he went to the receptionist and asked if anyone named Kim Jaejoong lived in there.
“Oh, yes!” she said eagerly. “He lived in here until a few months ago with a friend! But he no longer is renting, the friend left sometime later…he is now living with his sister on the floor above, but as for Mister Kim, I don’t know where he is now.”
To Kibum the whole moving thing appeared shady, a few months ago, she said? Perhaps it collided with the time Horus changed radically.
“Oh, I see…” Kibum almost snorted. “Well, thank you and sorry for the inconvenience”
The young lady smiled gently
“Oh no, it’s not a bother…and I am sorry for not being of much help either…” she looked up to Kibum who was about a head taller than her. “If you wish, I could ring Mister Choi, his former flat mate, and tell him someone is looking for his friend…he’s at home now…”
“Oh no, thanks” a shiver went down his spine at the mere thought of meeting someone who knew Horus in real life. “He doesn’t know me either and I prefer do this by myself”
With this Kibum got out of the building and headed off to the house of Horus’ parents; he parked the car just in front of the residency and was in there from 4pm to 3am and in that lapse of time he only saw two people enter the place. The first one, a woman, supposedly Horus’ mother, went out to do the shopping and came back within 2 hours. At 8 a middle aged man parked his car in the garage and went into the house, most probably his father Kibum thought. There wasn’t another move for the rest of the day.
Kibum could not understand anything that was going on. He did the same for the next four days and, unless it was either of those adults who were talking to him, couldn’t see anyone who could potentially be Horus. Or perhaps Horus no longer lived in there, or was probably invisible. Kibum no longer was sure of anything. Those days he also logged into the system just to find out Horus was already there, waiting for him with a funny phrase. Kibum was angry and pissed off. He was so pissed off like he had never been in his life before. He was mad and angry at himself for being so dumb and for falling too hard for Horus, or Kim Jaejoong, whatever his name was.
So on the sixth day he gave up and walked to the main entrance of the house, fuming. He rang the bell one, two, three times before it was opened, and when it finally was he could see the same woman he had thought was Horus’ mother.
“Eh…I am sorry but, is Kim Jaejoong here? Does he even live here? I would like to talk to him, please”
There was an awkward and very overwhelming silence. The woman looked very dumbfounded and, as Kibum looked down to face her, he could see her eyes were suddenly full of tears.
“I am sorry” Kibum bowed twice. “I do not pretend in disturbing you…I am his friend…from the BBS chat, and he…well, I…”
The woman looked at Kibum, a mix between something akin an apology and pity drawing in her regretful eyes.
What she said next was something that could as well have meant the end of the world for the young man.
“My son died…a couple of months ago…”
Kibum jumped back, startled, his head was spinning and he lost any notion of himself, the things and people around him, and also the notion of time. He didn’t know anything anymore. Guided by the woman he entered the house and sat down the coach. She offered him a glass of water but he turned down the offer since he didn’t think he was even able to gulp. He knew all of this was a mistake, for he had talked to Horus, to Jaejoong, damn it to whoever it was, that morning, and the night before, and the other before…he could feel it was worng, he noticed. Soon he stood up from his seat and told the woman he was very sorry for her loss, but that he obviously made a mistake and that was not the person he was looking for. But now it was turn for the woman to speak up and Kibum suddenly realized he had fallen in her trap. She needed to talk and get this out of her chest.
“My Joongie, my precious treasure…he also liked logging in that site you mentioned, perhaps you knew him…” she said, without really expecting an answer. “I suppose I had to tell that club, that one you two used to talk through, but I guess it never really crossed my mind…”
“I am so sorry, ma’am. What exactly happened to your son?”
“He was visiting us for the weekend, and there was this football match his father wanted to see, but Joongie never was that much into sports so he just said he was going to be upstairs in the BBS chat…” she let out a whimper and kept sobbing, Kibum just stroked and patted her back, trying to comfort her. “The proficient said there was a bare wire down the desk, and Jaejoongie had no shoes, not even any socks on…it seems he touched with his bare foot that wire and…”
The woman was breathless. She even was about to choke on her own tears.
“I am so sorry…it is horrible….I don’t know what to say, ma’am…”
“It’s okay…it doesn’t really matter anymore…” the woman held Kibum’s hand softly. “I understand all those youths like you…they all believe they are immortal…” she gasped. “Do you want me to show you his room?”
No, he didn’t. He just wanted to get the freak out of that house, he wanted to stop listening to her, he wanted her to stop bemoaning, he didn’t want to comfort that stranger anymore.
“Yes, I would…” he heard himself say. She led him to the room upstairs, it smelled of confinement, and she showed Kibum a photo of her son that was hanging on the wall next to the door.
He was beautiful.
“Your son…I mean…did it happen while he was writing?”
“Yes, it was just for one second…Suddenly the energy was off, my husband and I were watching TV, that football match, and he was already fuming because he didn’t get to see the final result, so I went to search for candles, or lanterns, whatever…we didn’t know what happened, and the houses around seemed fine. When we went up to bring a candle for Joongie…oh god…oh my god…”
The woman could not keep talking, neither Kibum. To avoid looking at her and her tears Kibum started roaming the room with his eyes. On the desk the computer still remained, untouched. He placed his hands on the monitor and he tried imagining how it must be like to receive an electric shock from the computer. He couldn’t. Then a phrase scribbled down with a pencil on the corner of the screen seemed very relevant to him.
And then Kibum realized everything and got out of the house without even biding goodbye because he could not endure knowing what he knew now. “Horus disconnected the system”
The phrase hammered Kibum heavily in the head. It hurt. That night he couldn’t log in the BBS, neither the next day he could. He didn’t have the energy to face that thing he used to talk to so eagerly in the past.
He tried connecting days later because he just couldn’t erase that phrase from his head at all. The phrase he had read scribbled down the computer screen that day.
“I love you, Key”
Horus was waiting for him.
“What happened????? I was very worried you know!” he wrote to Kibum immediately. It was still hard for Kibum to type a coherent sentence.
“I was in your house”
“…”
“Who are you? What are you, really?”
“It’s me, Horus…and…”
“and…?”
“Don’t you understand? I am trapped in here!”
“and, Key...
Hathor…Kibum...
I love you…
I love you…
I love you…”
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Author: leetaemint
Rating: PG-15 for character death.
Pairing/Focus: Kim Kibum/??
Summary: Kibum loves every single story Horus posts on their journal. Based on the first of the stories from the book 'Never trust a Computer' (Nunca confíes en una Computadora) by Verónica Sukaczer, named 'Never will I be able to reach to you' (Jamás podré alcanzarte).
A/N: This is like SOOOOOOO OOC it hurts! You have been warned.
***
music - 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 (just play whatever you feel like, all six work the same on me :) OKAY WELL YOU CAN ALSO LISTEN TO YOUR OWN ANGSTY SONGS IF YOU WANT TO IT'S NOT LIKE I AM FORCING YOU INTO ANYTHING ;-; )
-Horus disconnected the system-
Soon Kibum found himself staring blankly at the computer screen, typing words and questions to no one in particular, still waiting for a response.
“Horus disconnected the system” he muttered, teeth clenching. That wasn’t a very nice way to end up a conversation or bid goodbye even, like, at all. Kibum took it more like an invitation to throw the whole computer machine down right at Horus’ head.
But then again, Kibum thought, perhaps he now was starting to discover yet another one of Horus’ different facades.
After all, trying to figure out around a person without a face, voice or stare, wasn’t easy, not even possible.
-
Kibum was by then a healthy seventeen year old young man, senior in high school, soon majoring in dentistry and dental surgery. He had been living in Los Angeles for about eighteen months now, with his mother and granny, ever since his departure from the town he was born and raised in, there in his home country. It was very hard to adapt at the new environment at first, but Kibum eventually managed himself to get by.
Meeting Horus, almost two years ago, had been a great source of happiness and sometimes relief for the Kibum who ever since he was thirteen had admired the author of such wonderful stories that made Kibum have sweet dreams.
Actually, Kibum never in his dreams could have never imagined himself becoming so close to Horus. They were really meant for each other, or so Kibum thought.
Theirs were the longest, almost eternal, conversations ever held in history. Conversations about nothing in particular, yet so meaningful for both young men, for Kibum they meant a lot.
The magic of his own words reverberating, being brought to life like a cold, clean river in late winter; words so fluent and neat it sometimes surprised the teen that was very bad at speaking. The fact Horus could manage to make Kibum blurt out words he himself didn’t know he actually knew the meaning, it was even better.
Even though Kibum did not really know Horus in a physical way.
Not even his name; it wasn’t like Horus did know his, either. For Horus and other people from the chat room he was just ‘Key’. Or sometimes, when he and Horus were alone, in the private chat room they created for the two of them alone, he would be Hathor.
The Hathor to his Horus, like the married couple those ancient Egyptian gods became. Kibum was just too enamored by Horus he was willing to take anything for him; even if that meant he had to go under an actual female name. To Horus he no longer was Key; he was eventually turned into Hathor.
Kibum still held in his mind the fresh reminiscence of their first time talking together, even if it had been a long time ago, he still did. Yet he was plainly convinced it was just an unrequited childish infatuation. That it was just him the one who ever got goosebumps whenever the other would log into the chat. Kibum thought he was the immature one.
A couple of months went by, and Horus started addressing him as Hathor. The first time he did it was when no one else was into the chat room for Horus’ fans, and that was enough for Kibum to go insane, even if he knew nothing about Egyptian mythology.
“If back then you would have told me we would get separated for almost three thousand years, re encounter each other after all this time, only being able to talk through these infernal devices I might as well have locked you up into a pyramid or something”.
And then it hit Kibum that perhaps he wasn’t the only one feeling like this after all.
The next day Horus told Hathor how joyous the moment of reuniting again was, allowing Kibum to wander among stars of different colors and shapes, was the day his parents and him gathered on the dining table because they had some important announcement.
Kibum had been talking to Horus all day long and he was feeling the happiest; trying to ignore the constant arguing his parents have had lately.
It was also the day they announced him they were filing for a divorce. Kibum was already sixteen years old, but the actual age didn’t matter at all, for he felt like a five year old all over again.
But in the end he tried hard not to tear up in front of them, he ran to his computer instead. To his Horus.
To Kibum, Horus was just an alphabet on his screen; he knew from first hand that Horus never made an orthographic mistake, typed really fast, read a lot, when he laughed he typed down ‘hehe’ instead of ‘LOL’ or ‘haha’, and was a lovesick romantic young man who could as well have lived on the nineteenth century because to Kibum, Horus sometimes acted a little too much melancholic.
But that aside, Kibum couldn’t have known Horus’ real name, nor could have he cared less about it, because to him, it only was about Horus and Hathor, nothing else.
“Hathor! Hathor! The moonbeams glow with delight whenever the moonlight kisses them goodbye! Where are you? They should miss you as bad as I do…for they refuse to bloom next spring unless you come back!”
“Hathor! Hathor! The lotus flowers you planted on the soil when the Nile was first created finally blossomed! Come here to see how beautiful they are! I miss you…”
Horus typed really fast, even before Kibum managed to reply to the first message he already sent the second and later on a third one, asking how Kibum was feeling that day.
It was also that magical spell they had put each other under that allowed them to feel each other's thoughts even if it was through a mere computing machine, they always knew whether the other one was happy, or sad, angry, annoyed…
“My dear, you said you were only going away for supper…yet I can tell you are crying…when it had only been supper…what happened?”
“I…”
“What is it that makes your heart ache?”
And then Kibum broke down, telling Horus everything that had happened the past hour.
That night Kibum learned that as long as Horus was there with him, he could be able to get by, not really mattering what he had to go through. Horus had become his stone without really trying.
“Hey”
“What is it?”
“Thanks”
“Thanks for what?”
“Thanks…for being with me…”
Kibum bit his lower lip, a rage of variable feelings racing through his heart, and mind.
“I…”
“Love”
And hesitating whether or not finish typing the phrase he originally meant to write, he shyly pressed the keyboard keys.
“You”
Horus didn’t reply at all. Kibum felt as his heart had been ripped in two with an old, rusty blade.
Between sobs, he slowly realized he didn’t even type the message at all; he just uttered that short sentence. Horus couldn’t possibly have ever heard it.
It panged Kibum’s heart, typing words through a BBS system wasn’t enough anymore.
But Kibum decided not to care. He didn’t care anymore. All he cared about was Horus himself, and what Horus actually represented to Kibum.
Both of them were sick of the real world they had to put up with everyday and with the unfairness and fakeness that came along with it.
It was on a phone conference that Horus casted a spell on Kibum. “If I would have known I would lose you for three thousand years I would have locked you up in our chambers, even if that meant it would restrain you from going to the river you loved.” And ever since then, the phone bill came more and more expensive as time went by.
His parents tried convincing him that it was okay to occasionally log in from time to time, make new friends and chat a little and all that, but the telephone company still held no mercy with new technologies, and that was a problem for their pocket.
Kibum soon had them choosing between two options:
- Having Kibum disappearing every night, doing the unutterable, with questionable people, only to return at unthinkable hours of the night, or
- Having their son at home, sitting down at a very innocent computer, and not causing any harm while typing calmly on the keyboard.
Months after Horus’ confession and the divorce of his parents went by, and Kibum was announced that he was soon moving to Los Angeles alongside his mother and grandmother; his mother was a fashion designer who had just been offered a very good position within Carolina Herrera, and after the whole divorce issue she was in need of money, having a mother who needed the attentions an elder required, and a teenage son whose custody she had just won over.
That night Horus was online, and Kibum sent him a private message.
“I…am moving…”
Horus did not reply, and Kibum kept on writing.
“I am moving to America”
“…”
Kibum was aware that Horus always wrote those three periods whenever he didn’t know what to say.
Kibum still kept on typing.
“I am sorry…”
“There is nothing to apologize for”
“But I will stay in contact, though!”
“…”
“I promise…”
No answer.
Kibum could feel the tears that drowned his eyes, typing one last sentence before breaking into a soundless whimper.
“I want to see you, Horus…”
-Horus disconnected the system-
The day after, Kibum received an apology message from Horus. Apparently, there was a problem with the Internet server and he was forced to leave earlier without time to even bid goodbye.
“Did you see my last message?” he asked to the screen.
The screen was blank, Horus was reluctant to talk.
“I leave the 27th of this month…”
“Do you…”
Kibum was the only one writing.
“want to meet somewhere…”
“with me?”
“Do you want to meet me?”
Fingers trembling, his heart bumped from his thoracic cage when he got a reply from Horus.
“What if I am a monster?” it read.
“I…” Kibum stared blankly at the chat room layout.
“I have been yours for millenniums now… isn’t there anything I don’t know about you already? I think I would know whether you are a monster or not.”
“Yes, but what I didn’t tell you before is that I was brutally murdered, had my internal guts removed, and was cremated and later on my meat was fed to cats and wild dogs…”
Kibum was about to reply, but Horus was faster, as always.
“I wouldn’t want you seeing me in such state…”
And Kibum thought Horus was maybe right. If they ever met, that magic would be forever lost. If they held another conversation already knowing each other it would not be the same. Even after all this time, Horus was still the wise god Hathor fell in love with.
Kibum left on March the 27th South Korea to head off to America, with watery eyes.
However he kept loyal to his promise and stayed in touch with Horus.
-
The day after ‘Horus disconnected the system’ (the second time it ever happened), Kibum was spending a holiday break in South Korea, at his father’s. He logged into the BBS chat at the usual hour, as always. He was expecting to receive an apology from Horus, just like the one he sent to Kibum last time it happened, but Horus wasn’t online this time. Kibum stayed for two hours straight, perhaps even more, staring down at the blank screen.
The same went for the following days. A week later, Kibum wrote to the sysop (system operator) and asked her if she knew anything regarding his disappeared friend.
“Horus phones the site every day, though he does it very late in the morning; three, four in the morning…” she replied back. “Then I don’t understand why doesn’t he leave a message for me or anything…hasn’t he phoned you?” Kibum asked, worried. “Don’t you know anything” he asked again. Later on he could hear the faint sound of mumbles, some seconds later the sysop cracked her voice again. She can’t be more than twenty-five, now can she, he thought to himself. Perhaps more or less the age Horus might have as for the moment; twenty, soon turning twenty-one. A healthy college student trying to get a Communications degree at Seoul National University, or so he was told. Now that he looked back at the fans page, he talked to a huge variety of people before locking himself only to talk exclusively to Kibum. He could remember some of them did have a great deal of information concerning Horus, he wondered again what was it that made Horus suddenly so reluctant in talking about real life with anyone. Or was it only to Kibum? Perhaps everyone else did know Horus’ life, voice, face…
“No, he does not…but now that you mention it, I also find his behavior a little bit strange…logging into the system in the morning, but barely talking to anyone, in fact I don’t think he actually talks to anyone at all…he just roams around the page like a crazy mad man. He doesn’t play, doesn’t write, doesn’t talk…If you want, I could talk to him and ask what’s wrong…”
“No, thanks” Kibum said almost immediately. “I will ask the others about him…or I will log in at that same hour and try talking to him”
That day Kibum stayed up until 2:30 am and then he connected the computer to the telephone. If there was any possibility that Horus suddenly decided to start ignoring him, then Kibum had a very funny surprise for him.
It wasn’t until around three fifteen in the morning that Kibum finally saw Horus online; he quickly sent Horus an invitation to chat. Horus did not reply.
Still, Kibum could notice by glancing at the system window that Horus did wander throughout the system like a drunken man, not knowing what to do next, just like the sysop said. First, he was in the games section, then he jumped to the teleconference room and later on he was on the profiles page. Kibum at first felt disappointed but decided just to follow around for the next couple days to see what happened next. What he came to realize a week after was that Horus behaved more calmly and less like a drunk man when he was around; at least he stayed at the same place for a longer time, instead of jumping around, which meant he could see Kibum.
Still, that made the teen even more confused. He could not possibly understand what was going on.
Horus ended up twisting Kibum’s life; his life began at 3 am when he connected the system and ended when he logged out. When he went back to America he lost any notion of time; because of Horus he slept all day long and connected at night, he didn’t study well, almost dropped out of high school, he stopped talking to his friends, and he was normally seen napping at school alone. Kibum only cared about Horus, if it wasn’t about Horus, then he was not interested.
Kibum could clearly see Horus online, even though this one never replied to him; he could feel him even though he could not see him clearly (has he even seen Horus at all before?).
Kibum tried everything he could think of to make Horus answer his calls. He tried acting as if he were mad at him, he tried getting mad at Horus for real, he tried convincing, he tried pleading, begging Horus to talk to him again…perhaps Horus’ computer wasn’t working at all so Horus perhaps was trying fixing it every night, so that might explain the fact Horus could not possibly get any notifications, which was the explanation behind all this.
This was driving Kibum nuts. All he needed to know was what made Horus so hard to contact all of a sudden. All he needed to know was if Horus wasn’t just ignoring him because he grew tired of Kibum; that was why, one night, heart in throat, Kibum decided to try something more simple:
“Horus, if you can read me, press the ‘a’”
“A”
Kibum could feel as if his guts made heart exploded, his fingers were trembling, and perhaps was it because of the lack of good sleep or because he never could think properly when it came to talking to Horus.
“Is something wrong with your computer? Answer yes or no”
“No”
Kibum sighed hopelessly; his patience was not big enough to stand anyone, not even Horus.
“Then is something wrong with you? Answer yes or no”
“Yes”
Heart aching, Kibum kept typing. Glad that at last he had gotten to contact…his beloved? Could he even name Horus like that?
“Would you like to talk about it?”
No answer.
“You know, my knowledge isn’t really that big but I’d love to be of any help for you…”
Two minutes later a reply was seen.
“No, I can’t…”
“Allow me to feel useful…I want you this time to lean on me, and not the other way around…just like it’s normally like…”
“…”
“...Nothing”
Then Horus went crazy again and Kibum could see him jumping and bouncing throughout the BBS menu as if he were in a room and threw himself right down at the walls, bouncing.
Kibum couldn’t get Horus to reply anymore that night, but at least he knew Horus could read and answer his messages.
As time went by, Kibum was again able to talk to Horus almost like before; they talked for hours, and even though Horus no longer raced around like a mad man he was still evading Kibum’s questions about his problems. Eventually Kibum forgot Horus was no longer the Horus he used to be, the one he first fell in love with, and loved him again. He loved every single one of Horus’ words, each one of his phrases, and every single one of his silences as well.
The new Horus was far more comprehensive, but more apprehensive when it came to himself. Horus started asking Kibum to talk more about himself and his current life. His long-distance special someone could listen to Kibum for hours and could answer to Kibum’s questions always with the right phrase or word, saying or advice. Suddenly it appeared to the youngster that Horus had turned into some kind of philosopher who knew a lot about life itself, as if he had been living for a very long time.
One day Kibum’s father offered his son to go back to Korea for the summer holidays and Kibum accepted.
That same day Kibum found out that deep within himself the only thing he cared about anymore was the thing that was behind that screen, typing under the nickname of ‘Horus’, there in that farthest world that seemed so surreal to even exist anywhere.
“I’ll be back in Korea soon…only for a while though” Kibum one day wrote.
“I am glad to hear that”
“I…want to meet you…” Kibum’s timid message was suddenly followed by another one that looked more like an apology. “Is it okay? I mean, I know you perhaps are busy with college and all that but…”
“I am sorry, dearest…”
“I need to see your face, listen to your voice…or else I will go crazy”
“I can’t”
“You can’t, or you don’t want?”
“What’s the difference?”
“You knew this would sooner or later happen…talking like this no longer satisfies me. I need you. I need to meet the real you. Are you really that scared? There’s no other person alive in this world that knows me better than you…”
“Do you really think I would care whether you are tall or small, fat or skinny, handsome or ugly?”
“Seriously, I can’t. Let’s just say this life -real life, no longer suits me…”
“Are you trying to tell me you are some kind of creep isolate hiding within your room? Well, then! I think it’s better than having an old gross man calling me ‘dearest wife’ then! You don’t’ know how relieved I am to know you are not a scary molester! So glad!”
“Don’t you like it when I call you like that?”
Kibum knew there was venom in every word he furiously typed out, but he no longer cared. All these long-suppressed feelings were overwhelming him and he knew it was now helpless to turn back. He has now gotten himself into the first fight with Horus.
“Not really when I don’t even know you?”
“Fine”
“Fine? Just fine? What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know! I just thought that all along you didn’t really mind all this! That it was okay you had a faceless boyfriend who lived on the other half of earth? That all that money spent by your parents trying to pay for the bills was really worth it? I don’t know! I don’t want to know! Just like I don’t want to know anything about the real you!”
“Are…since when did we become boyfriends?”
“I don’t know! I just thought all the indirect phrases about you being the Hathor to my Horus were enough for you to notice we had something special!”
“So are you basically saying you don’t want to know a thing about me?”
“I can’t meet you in person…I am sorry but I am serious about it!”
“So am I” Kibum was on the verge of tears already. “Then what do we do?” he was fuming tremendously. “Keep talking like this until the end of times?”
“Just what we have been doing since forever” Horus quickly replied. “Or is it, my queen, that you want to save us both from the indelible curse we both were thrown at?” Kibum’s eyes went sore. “That one that says you’ll never be at my reach? That one that says I should forever be out of yours?”
“Shut it! I am not your freaking queen! I am a boy! I am not playing either” Kibum warned. “You know what I am talking about…”
“Then what about the magic that we tried to cherish for so long?”
“Horus, can’t you see I need you?” Kibum almost yelled at his computer screen.
“I am right here, darling…”
“I told you I am not playing!” Key disconnected the system. This time Kibum was the one who quit chatting.
He tried forgetting about Horus, and hoped he didn’t pursue anything as well. But Horus did look for him and Kibum could not resist him, and everything started all over again. It was when he started suspecting Horus (what he told him about being a creep or a molesting pedophile had never really crossed his mind before). Perhaps he was an eleven year old who could write very well, or an 80 year old man who missed his youth. He woke up. He had loved a stranger all this time…he needed to meet him, see his face, know where he lived…
So it seemed quite a good idea contacting a friend of his, who had been his senior back then when he still was a high school freshman, and a very good friend; back then when his parents weren’t separated and he lived quite an average life as a Korean student. He was very much into computers and alongside a friend, they opened a computing shop.
Shim Changmin was quite amicable, and if he could hack into the school’s system and change all the schedules so that his group would never get any actual classes without ever getting caught then this was the job for him.
So he sent him an e-mail message challenging him to find Horus’ personal information on the BBS database.
Eight days later he found on the inbox a reply from Changmin: “Eureka! I almost got caught in the middle of finding out about that Horus dude and because I wasn’t really doing anything at the workshop Kyuhyun almost got me fired, but hey, it was fun while it lasted! Here it is!”
Kibum looked down at the attached text file containing Horus’ real name, which by the way wasn’t Horus, but Kim Jaejoong; the address of the flat he was currently living in, and the address of his parents, also the telephone numbers of both places.
“That’s all, gorgeous. Now I have to bid goodbye or else Kyuhyun will kill me for sure, haha. Now let me have some time to think what I should ask as a payback~ not really sure yet but you could as well set me up on a date with that cute little dancing cousin of yours! What was his name, again? Taemin? Bah, who cares, I will figure it out once you tell me when and where, and just so you know I won’t be accepting any lame excuses like your cousin didn’t really want to go on a date with me since I won’t believe any of them~ Have I told you about the way he was looking at me at that party when you introduced us both? Like, he almost got his neck twitched because of all the starin-”
Kibum closed the window. He had now what he wanted and wasn’t really feeling like reading his friend’s rambling about his private life, even though he knew that was the least he could at least do since Changmin did really help him out a lot in this one.
He immediately thought in calling Horus, or Jaejoong, but he immediately dumped the idea realizing Horus would not like it even a bit. So he decided to head directly to Horus’ house and talk face to face with him. The next day he asked his dad to lend him the car for a while and so he drove to the apartment building Horus was supposed to live in. He went to check on the name list to see if there was any Kim Jaejoong on it with no success. He then thought perhaps the flat was under the name of someone else, probably a flat mate, so he went to the receptionist and asked if anyone named Kim Jaejoong lived in there.
“Oh, yes!” she said eagerly. “He lived in here until a few months ago with a friend! But he no longer is renting, the friend left sometime later…he is now living with his sister on the floor above, but as for Mister Kim, I don’t know where he is now.”
To Kibum the whole moving thing appeared shady, a few months ago, she said? Perhaps it collided with the time Horus changed radically.
“Oh, I see…” Kibum almost snorted. “Well, thank you and sorry for the inconvenience”
The young lady smiled gently
“Oh no, it’s not a bother…and I am sorry for not being of much help either…” she looked up to Kibum who was about a head taller than her. “If you wish, I could ring Mister Choi, his former flat mate, and tell him someone is looking for his friend…he’s at home now…”
“Oh no, thanks” a shiver went down his spine at the mere thought of meeting someone who knew Horus in real life. “He doesn’t know me either and I prefer do this by myself”
With this Kibum got out of the building and headed off to the house of Horus’ parents; he parked the car just in front of the residency and was in there from 4pm to 3am and in that lapse of time he only saw two people enter the place. The first one, a woman, supposedly Horus’ mother, went out to do the shopping and came back within 2 hours. At 8 a middle aged man parked his car in the garage and went into the house, most probably his father Kibum thought. There wasn’t another move for the rest of the day.
Kibum could not understand anything that was going on. He did the same for the next four days and, unless it was either of those adults who were talking to him, couldn’t see anyone who could potentially be Horus. Or perhaps Horus no longer lived in there, or was probably invisible. Kibum no longer was sure of anything. Those days he also logged into the system just to find out Horus was already there, waiting for him with a funny phrase. Kibum was angry and pissed off. He was so pissed off like he had never been in his life before. He was mad and angry at himself for being so dumb and for falling too hard for Horus, or Kim Jaejoong, whatever his name was.
So on the sixth day he gave up and walked to the main entrance of the house, fuming. He rang the bell one, two, three times before it was opened, and when it finally was he could see the same woman he had thought was Horus’ mother.
“Eh…I am sorry but, is Kim Jaejoong here? Does he even live here? I would like to talk to him, please”
There was an awkward and very overwhelming silence. The woman looked very dumbfounded and, as Kibum looked down to face her, he could see her eyes were suddenly full of tears.
“I am sorry” Kibum bowed twice. “I do not pretend in disturbing you…I am his friend…from the BBS chat, and he…well, I…”
The woman looked at Kibum, a mix between something akin an apology and pity drawing in her regretful eyes.
What she said next was something that could as well have meant the end of the world for the young man.
“My son died…a couple of months ago…”
Kibum jumped back, startled, his head was spinning and he lost any notion of himself, the things and people around him, and also the notion of time. He didn’t know anything anymore. Guided by the woman he entered the house and sat down the coach. She offered him a glass of water but he turned down the offer since he didn’t think he was even able to gulp. He knew all of this was a mistake, for he had talked to Horus, to Jaejoong, damn it to whoever it was, that morning, and the night before, and the other before…he could feel it was worng, he noticed. Soon he stood up from his seat and told the woman he was very sorry for her loss, but that he obviously made a mistake and that was not the person he was looking for. But now it was turn for the woman to speak up and Kibum suddenly realized he had fallen in her trap. She needed to talk and get this out of her chest.
“My Joongie, my precious treasure…he also liked logging in that site you mentioned, perhaps you knew him…” she said, without really expecting an answer. “I suppose I had to tell that club, that one you two used to talk through, but I guess it never really crossed my mind…”
“I am so sorry, ma’am. What exactly happened to your son?”
“He was visiting us for the weekend, and there was this football match his father wanted to see, but Joongie never was that much into sports so he just said he was going to be upstairs in the BBS chat…” she let out a whimper and kept sobbing, Kibum just stroked and patted her back, trying to comfort her. “The proficient said there was a bare wire down the desk, and Jaejoongie had no shoes, not even any socks on…it seems he touched with his bare foot that wire and…”
The woman was breathless. She even was about to choke on her own tears.
“I am so sorry…it is horrible….I don’t know what to say, ma’am…”
“It’s okay…it doesn’t really matter anymore…” the woman held Kibum’s hand softly. “I understand all those youths like you…they all believe they are immortal…” she gasped. “Do you want me to show you his room?”
No, he didn’t. He just wanted to get the freak out of that house, he wanted to stop listening to her, he wanted her to stop bemoaning, he didn’t want to comfort that stranger anymore.
“Yes, I would…” he heard himself say. She led him to the room upstairs, it smelled of confinement, and she showed Kibum a photo of her son that was hanging on the wall next to the door.
He was beautiful.
“Your son…I mean…did it happen while he was writing?”
“Yes, it was just for one second…Suddenly the energy was off, my husband and I were watching TV, that football match, and he was already fuming because he didn’t get to see the final result, so I went to search for candles, or lanterns, whatever…we didn’t know what happened, and the houses around seemed fine. When we went up to bring a candle for Joongie…oh god…oh my god…”
The woman could not keep talking, neither Kibum. To avoid looking at her and her tears Kibum started roaming the room with his eyes. On the desk the computer still remained, untouched. He placed his hands on the monitor and he tried imagining how it must be like to receive an electric shock from the computer. He couldn’t. Then a phrase scribbled down with a pencil on the corner of the screen seemed very relevant to him.
And then Kibum realized everything and got out of the house without even biding goodbye because he could not endure knowing what he knew now. “Horus disconnected the system”
The phrase hammered Kibum heavily in the head. It hurt. That night he couldn’t log in the BBS, neither the next day he could. He didn’t have the energy to face that thing he used to talk to so eagerly in the past.
He tried connecting days later because he just couldn’t erase that phrase from his head at all. The phrase he had read scribbled down the computer screen that day.
“I love you, Key”
Horus was waiting for him.
“What happened????? I was very worried you know!” he wrote to Kibum immediately. It was still hard for Kibum to type a coherent sentence.
“I was in your house”
“…”
“Who are you? What are you, really?”
“It’s me, Horus…and…”
“and…?”
“Don’t you understand? I am trapped in here!”
“and, Key...
Hathor…Kibum...
I love you…
I love you…
I love you…”
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