Bonsai 2/?
Title: Bonsai
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Unrequited!TaeKey.
Warnings: It deals with pretty sensitive topics amongst fandoms. OOC overload. You have been warned.
Summary: Taemin grows a green house in the rooftop of the apartment he shares with Kibum.
A/N: I am sorry.
Music
“So well…are you, like…” Taemin blabbered, frowning a bit at the thought. ”are you gay?”
Changmin turned around to face the other, a clear worried expression filling his face.
“I, uh, not really…I mean…not at all” Taemin raised an eyebrow questioningly. For once in a while he was not the one who had been asked that question and that amde him feel kind of...good? it was now the other way around instead. At first he tried feeling relieved he was not the only one in the company, but later on he couldn’t stop himself from thinking it had been all a misunderstanding.
He could see Changmin’s eyes dart back and forth, roaming the whole room, trying his best not to look directly into Taemin’s eyes.
Changmin took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and then proceeded, this time a faint smile could be seen near the borderline of his lips. Taemin could see how easy was for his elder to smile in such a fake way, not even Taemin himself had mastered that art of covering his true feelings, he was clearly uncomfortable Taemin thought.
Or perhaps it was him the only one who should stop letting his imagination fly away he mused again.
“He just got it all wrong, Taemin…” Changmin looked away, uneasy.
“Oh, right” Remember? Not everyone around you is as gay as you, buddy. “I see. I don’t know why I asked, though…sorry if it upset you, hyung”
Taemin was still sweaty because of his past performance, he thought it would be more convenient if he just cut it off and went to clean himself, instead of remaining here talking about things no one should discuss about.
“Okay, to be honest...uh...”
Taemin was surprised. He turned to face his senior by five years who had his eyes clenched shut. He tried comprehending him, failing completely, so instead he smiled at Changmin heartwarmingly.
“It’s okay, hyung…I won’t tell anyone” Taemin reassured, patting his elder’s shoulder.
“I mean, it wasn’t always like that!” Changmin blabbered. “It’s just about one person”
Taemin smiled. Suddenly he felt as if he owed Changmin something. Like, Changmin gave away his secret to Taemin so easily while Taemin wasn’t really willing to do the same.
“Yes, I know…all it takes is one person and then your life and everything you thought you were is screwed” He sighed. “As if I didn’t know about it already…”
How selfish was it, coming from him; how thoughtless and inconsiderate he had been. Well, at least all he could do now was to tell him he was gay too, right?
“Trust me, hyung. I know how you feel…I mean, it’s okay to be like that…I am too”
“I know”
Taemin eyed Changmin; a sudden panic outburst numbed his mind while he could feel a chill running down his spine. So did he know already? Am I really that obvious? Did someone tell him? Isn’t it a secret anymore and everyone knows now?
Changmin suddenly realized what he just said and quickly corrected himself.
“No, I meant to say I know it’s okay to be like this…but I am afraid to tell you other people don’t know it’s okay so you’ll just have to keep it a secret now”
Taemin nodded feeling relieved.
“It’s okay hyung, your secret is safe with me…just remember you have to keep mine too”
“No problem” Changmin smiled. “Don’t worry…I’d never say it…”
“You better don’t” Taemin replied, smiling widely, tears forming in his eyes. He suddenly felt the urge to pull his hyung in for a hug. He embraced the taller man wrapping his skinny arms around the other’s torso, resting his face on his shoulders. Changmin then did the same, closing his eyes.
“It’s okay, hyung…it’s nothing to be ashamed of…you’ll see everything works out soon” Taemin reassured.
“Yah! Taemin ah!” They heard Jonghyun bark. “Come here! We have to go on stage again!”
Taemin ducked away from the embrace, startled.
“Hyung, I have to go” he muttered shyly.
“It’s okay” Changmin smiled, eyes shining so brightly it made Taemin feel awkward.
The boy was walking away when this time he heard Changmin call out his name for the last time that day.
“Taemin!”
Taemin turned and faced his friend, who looked as if he was about to puke rainbows out of happiness. He could see he had been running to approach him.
“Taemin!” Changmin paused breathless, but still smiling widely as ever.
“What?” Taemin asked from his places.
“Is JoJo a guy?” The elder asked. Taemin smiled bashfully.
“Perhaps” was the only thing he could think of saying.
-
He is truly a nice guy; he likes implementing and trying out new things. He loves dancing and he is very grateful he was born complete because otherwise he wouldn’t have ever been able to dance just the way he dances now. He has also just found out another way of entertaining himself, he likes growing things he can later use on the kitchen. He likes watching the seeds grow in a very slow, almost dead pace as he takes care of them as if they were children made out of his very own flesh and blood. He likes to think he helps nature by birthing such amazing plants.
You cannot blame him for this kind of thoughts, though. He is still a child.
“So now let me guess” Jiyong said as he helped Taemin pick up the fresh lettuces that were now ripe and ready to eat. “You are now trying to get some more spare time?”
Taemin was busy preparing the soil where he was about to transfer JoJo.
“I have grown enjoying doing this, hyung” Taemin said, mind concentrating in pouring the right amount of liquid fertilizer into the right place. “If it weren’t for JoJo our rooftop would have never been occupied the right way and I wouldn’t have any sweet lettuces to cook with now”.
“But you don’t even like cooking”
“True, but Kibum hyung loves cooking and it makes him very happy to have natural ingredients to cook with…and I won’t be the one who disappoints him and tells him to go buy them to the market instead”
“He rarely ever comes home to make supper anymore, though” Jiyong couldn’t help but point out.
“Yeah…” Taemin faced the ground sadly. He tried dissimulating his lately sad mood by distracting himself with cultivating his plants. He was now growing lettuces, radishes, turnips, celery and now he had phoned Jiyong to come help him with planting some carrots. He tried deluding himself into thinking Kibum no longer had enough time to cook for the two of them. What he tried not to think about is what was it that kept Kibum so busy. He tried ignoring the fact Kibum was perhaps now busy cooking for him and for Amber.
“Youngbae likes cooking too…and Daesung sometimes helps him…perhaps you could invite them over sometime” Jiyong tried distracting him. “They would be delighted in coming over…they are such nice boys…” he then facepalmed himself sometime later, a silly grin taking all over his face. “God, I sound like a granny fawning all over her grandchildren don’t I”
Taemin eyed him gently.
“Yunho hyung likes to come over sometimes, Changmin hyung almost visits me on an everyday basis…Jinki, Jonghyun and Minho are always here with me, except for when I tell them not to come over the day or when they are busy…or when I am at their place…”
“I always wondered why’d you two guys leave the dorm all five of you shared” Jiyong sighed. “Did something go wrong? Everything seemed to be fine…”
Taemin just shrugged, leaning against the glass wall of the greenhouse, the blushing lights of dusk coloring his dyed hair. He sighed sweetly, trying again to recall why exactly he decided to leave the nice apartment he shared with the other four men.
“I think it was mainly because hyung wanted some more privacy…you know?” Taemin revealed, unsure. “He eventually got fed up of all the fans that visited us, so he started looking for some other flat with more security”.
“Oh, I see…but then why didn’t the others left with you two?”
Jiyong could see Taemin blush. Closing his eyes Taemin tried regaining some of the solemn air he had given to himself. He swore again he had no idea what was he signing himself into the moment Kibum convinced him to leave and become flat mates.
“I don’t really know…” Taemin looked away, embarrassingly admitting: “Kibum hyung brainwashed me, okay? I didn’t pay attention to everything else that happened afterwards…I just…wanted to be with him…”
“So are you sure you two didn’t leave because of the others?”
“I sure can tell you that, everything is fine with us”
Jiyong gave Taemin an exasperated look.
“Okay hyung, do you want the truth?” Taemin finally asked, surrendering to the atmosphere that had taken over the past hours ever since Jiyong asked him the reason of his departure from the group’s dorm. “I moved in because of jealousy. Now that I come to think about it jealousy is the real explanation behind the decisions I took and the actions I did…back then I was still sunk within this naïveté that was so characteristic of me, so I couldn’t quite realize the real reason behind everything I did, but now that I come to think about it, the only reasonable explanation should be that: jealousy”.
Jiyong didn’t say anything. His eyes pierced on Taemin’s as he let the youngest keep rambling. He knew he needed it, seeing how the way he handled things by bottling himself up into that little bubble filled by selfishness and the remaining little pieces of immaturity wasn’t of any help. He was his senior, and a very close friend, but what right could he hold over this kid who couldn’t really enjoy a normal adolescence because of his early rise to popularity when he himself didn’t enjoy being a normal teenage boy just like his other classmates back in the day? Jiyong obviously wasn’t the right person to preach some advice on how to lead a decent life.
But then again no one Taemin could ever get to know was going to be this normal. Unless he would seek for professional help he would always be surrounded by people who gave in a normal life in pursue of the limelight. And they couldn’t be blamed for that; as well as there were people who were born for sports, mathematics, sciences, humanities, there were also people who were better at entertaining the masses rather than spending the rest of their lives locked within a cubicle they could lead their investigations in.
But being like that had also its perks: you never quite met someone who regretted sacrificing a normal life. Everyone was happy with the path they chose.
So it wasn’t really Taemin’s fault he didn’t know how to deal with his own emotions. Heck, the kid hadn’t even gotten the chance to see his family or visit his home or his old school friends over the past year. It was so to expect he needed something to lean on, or someone to grasp to when he felt his world was tearing apart.
And he found himself slowly drawing, growing attached, to the nearest person that seemed to really care about him.
It was not like he hated or despised Kibum for not reciprocating the way that young scaredy boy was feeling about him, it was not his fault Taemin chose not to make his true feelings present or at least relevant, voicing them loud enough for Kibum to notice; he never possessed any real reasons to ditch Kibum. The young man was likeable enough, lovable even, if given the chance. He had this motherly affection towards Taemin no one, not even Kibum himself, could even begin explaining; he had these delicate, yet manly features that embraced his complex personality just right. He could see why Taemin had fallen for him and he could also see why Amber did really seem to love him a lot. In fact Jiyong himself admitted he could have grown a non-platonic affection towards Kibum if given the chance (fortunately enough that chance never made itself present or else everyone else would have seen how reckless Jiyong could be when it was for someone he loved, Jiyong mused).
But much to other people’s dismay, and contrary to what the fans make him out to be, Kibum did not swing that way, and couldn’t possibly ever swing that way. Kibum was just soft, tender, effeminate at times and very, very gorgeous.
It was totally understandable people thought he was the gay member of SHINee. But just to make things clear Kibum did not like having his rice with a straw. “Pfft” Jiyong chuckled, laughing at his very own joke.
Taemin had kept on ranting, he really needed it.
“It all started when Kibum started courting Amber, I think…yeah it definitely was it” Taemin remembered. “At first I didn’t quite notice they were so into each other, until Jinki hyung started reprimanding Kibum for being so careless…I think he was the only one who noticed back then…”
“I was young, and very clueless, hyung. See, I had this fully developed crush that was only growing stronger as days passed by; very discretely, and without anyone noticing, Kibum started bringing me along at every date he had with Amber, so to distract everyone else’s suspicions. I was in cloud nine back then just by having the most perfect creature ever born in this universe just beside me, feeding me, talking to me, occasionally hugging me…it was just so…surreal…”
Taemin could feel the coldness of his tears running down his cheeks, his eyes, now glittering, blinked a couple times before he dared to keep on telling the story of his heartbreak.
“Kibum had always liked cooking for me, he cares about me a lot, hyung…sometimes he even lets me borrow his iPod to play a little when I am bored -something he doesn’t let anyone else do, he lets me cuddle with him when we’re in the van and I am trying to sleep, he likes playing with my hair, he likes to hug me and also snuggles with me in bed when I am feeling homesick…it has always been like this…ever since we were trainees, he was the one that cared the most, he was always there when I needed him, he has always been there, what am I even saying, he’s always there…”
And Jiyong’s heart couldn’t have shattered in any more pieces at the sight of the lovesick young man that was forced to grow up too fast breaking in uncontrollable sobs and loud whimpers, while he curled himself in some kind of human ball. He quickly rushed to embrace the other male, trying to keep him away from the utter pain that was born in his chest, when it was obviously too late.
“It’s okay, Taemin, you can cry all you want, man…I know it isn’t easy…” he soothed the mushroom head that rested beneath his breaths.
“It hurts hyung…he doesn’t do all of these things anymore…he has stopped caring about me, he barely is present in here anymore…I-”
“Shhhh…” Jiyong chanted. “He hasn’t stop caring. He will never stop caring, Taemin. How daring are you, doubting his sincere affection towards you”
Taemin cried even more, this is what he needed, Jiyong thought. This is what can heal him. Jiyong could feel the coldness of his soaked shirt, a wetness he was honestly hoping would only be tears.
“Because…” he breathed again, a mixture of both snot and tears blocking his nostrils. “Because it’s not the kind of affection I want from him…” Taemin bemoaned out loud.
“I swear, hyung…if I had a chance with him, as tiny it might be, I would definitely go for it…”
“If there existed any possibilities of my feelings being corresponded I wouldn’t even be here crying as if there was no tomorrow…I’d be doing my best to win over his heart…”
“I swear, even if there existed any chances and I wouldn’t have taken any advantage of them I wouldn’t complain either, for I would know the opportunity was there and I was so coward to even say anything”
“But there isn’t, hyung, there aren’t any opportunities for me to take ”
“There are no hopes left for my heart”
“Hell! He doesn’t even like guys! What am I even deluding myself into?”
Jiyong just closed his eyes and let his own tears take over his already aching eyes. He hated seeing Taemin hurting like this.
“Oh, Taeminnie yah…if only you didn’t refuse to regard things the way they actually are you’d see…”
Taemin did not reply to that.
-
Minho tried doing his best ignoring the empty stare his youngest member has had lately, but it was becoming even more difficult to do so. When Taemin grieved everyone could notice it. But soon the questions Jonghyun and Jinki kept asking started being difficult to evade or answer.
“I don’t know hyung. He’s a teenager; he’s just having a phase. I am sure it’ll fade away soon.”
“He’s having a hard time at school. You know, now that he’s been transferred, it’s hard to adapt…he’ll get over it.”
“He’s worried because of his plants. There hasn’t been a sunny day in weeks, and some of them may rot.”
“He’s had a lot of homework lately, add to that our upcoming promotions and the fact he has all these plants to take care of…he’s just stressed, that’s all.”
“I am sorry hyung; I haven’t noticed he’s been feeling low these days…he hasn’t said anything either, so I guess it’s nothing to worry about. He’ll be fine, he’s a strong boy”
“I don’t know what he’s been into”
“I am sorry I don’t know what he feels anymore”
And everyone in SHINee believed him. There is no reason to doubt Choi Minho, after all; he’s always told the truth to his hyungs.
Although Minho did know. He was aware of everything the youngster had been put through. There were times he wished Taemin hadn’t been born homosexual; or hadn’t been born in such a homophobic land; or hadn’t at least fallen in love with Kibum. It would have made things far easier.
His wishes never became real; neither just wishing made things easier to take. Jonghyun kept sighing and tearing tiny teardrops he tried hard to suppress whenever he would catch a glimpse of the sorrowful gloomy shade Taemin’s figure had become; Jinki always avoided any eye contact with the youngest anytime he could, putting on a fake mask of naivety pretending he couldn’t hear the boy’s inner sobs; and Kibum, well, Minho couldn’t really say anything about him.
It was either Kibum did notice and tried spending more time with Amber in order to run away from such unbearable sight, or Kibum didn’t really notice at all because he spent too much time with Amber. Minho would rather believe the first one. He liked thinking the bemoans Kibum let out when he was on the phone with his girlfriend weren’t really fake, and the stiffness Kibum maintained as he watched Taemin make mistakes on the dance routine really meant that he cared.
Because Minho was also aware Kibum did care, and was also aware he was the only one who didn’t believe any of the explanations Minho had made up for the sake of Taemin’s secret.
So he was not surprised at all the day Kibum cornered him in his room when he was making the other three members a visit. The sudden click of the room’s lock made him turn his tall, slender frame to where the noise had come from but it was too late, for the elder was right in front of him.
“You are going to tell me what’s wrong with Taemin ah, Minho…and don’t try playing dumb with me because I am not buying any of the rubbish you’re throwing at Jinki hyung and Jonghyun hyung”
Minho sighed deeply and quickly tried thinking of a more convincing rubbish to say. Clearly that was going to be a very long evening.
He darted his glance back to meet Kibum’s accusing stare. He sent the elder a digging glare akin to his.
“Why won’t you ask him yourself? It’s not my thing to tell” he spat.
“You know I would have done so if I could” Kibum replied back, gaze so stark it made Minho feel nervous.
“Nothing stops you from asking, you know”
“Yes, there is something” Kibum softened his voice, but his grip on Minho’s shirt only increased. “He just kind of…bottled himself in, he’s unapproachable now, it’s driving me crazy”
“Well, you could have noticed it earlier only if you weren’t so inconsiderate of others”
“What are you talking about? I care about him; I have taken care of him more than any of you would ever imagine…”
“That’s what you like to think…” Minho was now the one who was glaring at the other accusingly. “You like to think you can notice everything about him, but you don’t, you can’t notice everything Kibum…”
“You could have noticed though, if you weren’t so stuck up to your own little world. You could have noticed if you would really have tried…heck, you can even notice right now what’s going on if you wanted. But you don’t really want, right?”
“Human mind most of the time only sees what it wants to see…but anyway it’s not like you are relevant, because if you were he would have told you a long time ago, but he didn’t; so stop butting in, what is going on with Taemin should not concern you, it’s not your business to mind after all…”
Minho felt the right side of his face go numb as his head swung abruptly to the left. Kibum’s hand froze right there on its spot. And Minho did really feel like a total jerk for what he just said when the realization of Kibum slapping him right on his face hit him.
-
“Minho hyung, I…I have something to ask you”
“What is it, duck?”
“What if I were-” he froze, fearing the simple thought of saying it aloud. “I mean, you are always so open to me and it’s not like I have been asking around about it but…”
“Come on, duck.” The elder said. “Spit it out”
“I have chosen you because I know you have a sister that is…” he breathed again. “That’s, well, lesbian…so I wanted to ask you this since I know you are the least likely to throw a fuss about it”
“But I think I like…men”
“I can’t help it hyung…he’s the first person I’ve felt like this for”
“I am sorry…”
“You don’t have reasons to be sorry, duck”
“I tried liking girls, but…seriously I am not…I can’t be attracted to them”
“I can’t conceive a way of liking them”
“I…only like him…”
“Is it…okay to feel like this?”
“Of course it is, duck”
“Then why is my heart throbbing so bad, as if I were doing something twisted and sick?”
“That’s-”
“That’s what?”
Minho couldn’t quite reply to that.
Free Hit Counter
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Unrequited!TaeKey.
Warnings: It deals with pretty sensitive topics amongst fandoms. OOC overload. You have been warned.
Summary: Taemin grows a green house in the rooftop of the apartment he shares with Kibum.
A/N: I am sorry.
Music
“So well…are you, like…” Taemin blabbered, frowning a bit at the thought. ”are you gay?”
Changmin turned around to face the other, a clear worried expression filling his face.
“I, uh, not really…I mean…not at all” Taemin raised an eyebrow questioningly. For once in a while he was not the one who had been asked that question and that amde him feel kind of...good? it was now the other way around instead. At first he tried feeling relieved he was not the only one in the company, but later on he couldn’t stop himself from thinking it had been all a misunderstanding.
He could see Changmin’s eyes dart back and forth, roaming the whole room, trying his best not to look directly into Taemin’s eyes.
Changmin took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and then proceeded, this time a faint smile could be seen near the borderline of his lips. Taemin could see how easy was for his elder to smile in such a fake way, not even Taemin himself had mastered that art of covering his true feelings, he was clearly uncomfortable Taemin thought.
Or perhaps it was him the only one who should stop letting his imagination fly away he mused again.
“He just got it all wrong, Taemin…” Changmin looked away, uneasy.
“Oh, right” Remember? Not everyone around you is as gay as you, buddy. “I see. I don’t know why I asked, though…sorry if it upset you, hyung”
Taemin was still sweaty because of his past performance, he thought it would be more convenient if he just cut it off and went to clean himself, instead of remaining here talking about things no one should discuss about.
“Okay, to be honest...uh...”
Taemin was surprised. He turned to face his senior by five years who had his eyes clenched shut. He tried comprehending him, failing completely, so instead he smiled at Changmin heartwarmingly.
“It’s okay, hyung…I won’t tell anyone” Taemin reassured, patting his elder’s shoulder.
“I mean, it wasn’t always like that!” Changmin blabbered. “It’s just about one person”
Taemin smiled. Suddenly he felt as if he owed Changmin something. Like, Changmin gave away his secret to Taemin so easily while Taemin wasn’t really willing to do the same.
“Yes, I know…all it takes is one person and then your life and everything you thought you were is screwed” He sighed. “As if I didn’t know about it already…”
How selfish was it, coming from him; how thoughtless and inconsiderate he had been. Well, at least all he could do now was to tell him he was gay too, right?
“Trust me, hyung. I know how you feel…I mean, it’s okay to be like that…I am too”
“I know”
Taemin eyed Changmin; a sudden panic outburst numbed his mind while he could feel a chill running down his spine. So did he know already? Am I really that obvious? Did someone tell him? Isn’t it a secret anymore and everyone knows now?
Changmin suddenly realized what he just said and quickly corrected himself.
“No, I meant to say I know it’s okay to be like this…but I am afraid to tell you other people don’t know it’s okay so you’ll just have to keep it a secret now”
Taemin nodded feeling relieved.
“It’s okay hyung, your secret is safe with me…just remember you have to keep mine too”
“No problem” Changmin smiled. “Don’t worry…I’d never say it…”
“You better don’t” Taemin replied, smiling widely, tears forming in his eyes. He suddenly felt the urge to pull his hyung in for a hug. He embraced the taller man wrapping his skinny arms around the other’s torso, resting his face on his shoulders. Changmin then did the same, closing his eyes.
“It’s okay, hyung…it’s nothing to be ashamed of…you’ll see everything works out soon” Taemin reassured.
“Yah! Taemin ah!” They heard Jonghyun bark. “Come here! We have to go on stage again!”
Taemin ducked away from the embrace, startled.
“Hyung, I have to go” he muttered shyly.
“It’s okay” Changmin smiled, eyes shining so brightly it made Taemin feel awkward.
The boy was walking away when this time he heard Changmin call out his name for the last time that day.
“Taemin!”
Taemin turned and faced his friend, who looked as if he was about to puke rainbows out of happiness. He could see he had been running to approach him.
“Taemin!” Changmin paused breathless, but still smiling widely as ever.
“What?” Taemin asked from his places.
“Is JoJo a guy?” The elder asked. Taemin smiled bashfully.
“Perhaps” was the only thing he could think of saying.
-
He is truly a nice guy; he likes implementing and trying out new things. He loves dancing and he is very grateful he was born complete because otherwise he wouldn’t have ever been able to dance just the way he dances now. He has also just found out another way of entertaining himself, he likes growing things he can later use on the kitchen. He likes watching the seeds grow in a very slow, almost dead pace as he takes care of them as if they were children made out of his very own flesh and blood. He likes to think he helps nature by birthing such amazing plants.
You cannot blame him for this kind of thoughts, though. He is still a child.
“So now let me guess” Jiyong said as he helped Taemin pick up the fresh lettuces that were now ripe and ready to eat. “You are now trying to get some more spare time?”
Taemin was busy preparing the soil where he was about to transfer JoJo.
“I have grown enjoying doing this, hyung” Taemin said, mind concentrating in pouring the right amount of liquid fertilizer into the right place. “If it weren’t for JoJo our rooftop would have never been occupied the right way and I wouldn’t have any sweet lettuces to cook with now”.
“But you don’t even like cooking”
“True, but Kibum hyung loves cooking and it makes him very happy to have natural ingredients to cook with…and I won’t be the one who disappoints him and tells him to go buy them to the market instead”
“He rarely ever comes home to make supper anymore, though” Jiyong couldn’t help but point out.
“Yeah…” Taemin faced the ground sadly. He tried dissimulating his lately sad mood by distracting himself with cultivating his plants. He was now growing lettuces, radishes, turnips, celery and now he had phoned Jiyong to come help him with planting some carrots. He tried deluding himself into thinking Kibum no longer had enough time to cook for the two of them. What he tried not to think about is what was it that kept Kibum so busy. He tried ignoring the fact Kibum was perhaps now busy cooking for him and for Amber.
“Youngbae likes cooking too…and Daesung sometimes helps him…perhaps you could invite them over sometime” Jiyong tried distracting him. “They would be delighted in coming over…they are such nice boys…” he then facepalmed himself sometime later, a silly grin taking all over his face. “God, I sound like a granny fawning all over her grandchildren don’t I”
Taemin eyed him gently.
“Yunho hyung likes to come over sometimes, Changmin hyung almost visits me on an everyday basis…Jinki, Jonghyun and Minho are always here with me, except for when I tell them not to come over the day or when they are busy…or when I am at their place…”
“I always wondered why’d you two guys leave the dorm all five of you shared” Jiyong sighed. “Did something go wrong? Everything seemed to be fine…”
Taemin just shrugged, leaning against the glass wall of the greenhouse, the blushing lights of dusk coloring his dyed hair. He sighed sweetly, trying again to recall why exactly he decided to leave the nice apartment he shared with the other four men.
“I think it was mainly because hyung wanted some more privacy…you know?” Taemin revealed, unsure. “He eventually got fed up of all the fans that visited us, so he started looking for some other flat with more security”.
“Oh, I see…but then why didn’t the others left with you two?”
Jiyong could see Taemin blush. Closing his eyes Taemin tried regaining some of the solemn air he had given to himself. He swore again he had no idea what was he signing himself into the moment Kibum convinced him to leave and become flat mates.
“I don’t really know…” Taemin looked away, embarrassingly admitting: “Kibum hyung brainwashed me, okay? I didn’t pay attention to everything else that happened afterwards…I just…wanted to be with him…”
“So are you sure you two didn’t leave because of the others?”
“I sure can tell you that, everything is fine with us”
Jiyong gave Taemin an exasperated look.
“Okay hyung, do you want the truth?” Taemin finally asked, surrendering to the atmosphere that had taken over the past hours ever since Jiyong asked him the reason of his departure from the group’s dorm. “I moved in because of jealousy. Now that I come to think about it jealousy is the real explanation behind the decisions I took and the actions I did…back then I was still sunk within this naïveté that was so characteristic of me, so I couldn’t quite realize the real reason behind everything I did, but now that I come to think about it, the only reasonable explanation should be that: jealousy”.
Jiyong didn’t say anything. His eyes pierced on Taemin’s as he let the youngest keep rambling. He knew he needed it, seeing how the way he handled things by bottling himself up into that little bubble filled by selfishness and the remaining little pieces of immaturity wasn’t of any help. He was his senior, and a very close friend, but what right could he hold over this kid who couldn’t really enjoy a normal adolescence because of his early rise to popularity when he himself didn’t enjoy being a normal teenage boy just like his other classmates back in the day? Jiyong obviously wasn’t the right person to preach some advice on how to lead a decent life.
But then again no one Taemin could ever get to know was going to be this normal. Unless he would seek for professional help he would always be surrounded by people who gave in a normal life in pursue of the limelight. And they couldn’t be blamed for that; as well as there were people who were born for sports, mathematics, sciences, humanities, there were also people who were better at entertaining the masses rather than spending the rest of their lives locked within a cubicle they could lead their investigations in.
But being like that had also its perks: you never quite met someone who regretted sacrificing a normal life. Everyone was happy with the path they chose.
So it wasn’t really Taemin’s fault he didn’t know how to deal with his own emotions. Heck, the kid hadn’t even gotten the chance to see his family or visit his home or his old school friends over the past year. It was so to expect he needed something to lean on, or someone to grasp to when he felt his world was tearing apart.
And he found himself slowly drawing, growing attached, to the nearest person that seemed to really care about him.
It was not like he hated or despised Kibum for not reciprocating the way that young scaredy boy was feeling about him, it was not his fault Taemin chose not to make his true feelings present or at least relevant, voicing them loud enough for Kibum to notice; he never possessed any real reasons to ditch Kibum. The young man was likeable enough, lovable even, if given the chance. He had this motherly affection towards Taemin no one, not even Kibum himself, could even begin explaining; he had these delicate, yet manly features that embraced his complex personality just right. He could see why Taemin had fallen for him and he could also see why Amber did really seem to love him a lot. In fact Jiyong himself admitted he could have grown a non-platonic affection towards Kibum if given the chance (fortunately enough that chance never made itself present or else everyone else would have seen how reckless Jiyong could be when it was for someone he loved, Jiyong mused).
But much to other people’s dismay, and contrary to what the fans make him out to be, Kibum did not swing that way, and couldn’t possibly ever swing that way. Kibum was just soft, tender, effeminate at times and very, very gorgeous.
It was totally understandable people thought he was the gay member of SHINee. But just to make things clear Kibum did not like having his rice with a straw. “Pfft” Jiyong chuckled, laughing at his very own joke.
Taemin had kept on ranting, he really needed it.
“It all started when Kibum started courting Amber, I think…yeah it definitely was it” Taemin remembered. “At first I didn’t quite notice they were so into each other, until Jinki hyung started reprimanding Kibum for being so careless…I think he was the only one who noticed back then…”
“I was young, and very clueless, hyung. See, I had this fully developed crush that was only growing stronger as days passed by; very discretely, and without anyone noticing, Kibum started bringing me along at every date he had with Amber, so to distract everyone else’s suspicions. I was in cloud nine back then just by having the most perfect creature ever born in this universe just beside me, feeding me, talking to me, occasionally hugging me…it was just so…surreal…”
Taemin could feel the coldness of his tears running down his cheeks, his eyes, now glittering, blinked a couple times before he dared to keep on telling the story of his heartbreak.
“Kibum had always liked cooking for me, he cares about me a lot, hyung…sometimes he even lets me borrow his iPod to play a little when I am bored -something he doesn’t let anyone else do, he lets me cuddle with him when we’re in the van and I am trying to sleep, he likes playing with my hair, he likes to hug me and also snuggles with me in bed when I am feeling homesick…it has always been like this…ever since we were trainees, he was the one that cared the most, he was always there when I needed him, he has always been there, what am I even saying, he’s always there…”
And Jiyong’s heart couldn’t have shattered in any more pieces at the sight of the lovesick young man that was forced to grow up too fast breaking in uncontrollable sobs and loud whimpers, while he curled himself in some kind of human ball. He quickly rushed to embrace the other male, trying to keep him away from the utter pain that was born in his chest, when it was obviously too late.
“It’s okay, Taemin, you can cry all you want, man…I know it isn’t easy…” he soothed the mushroom head that rested beneath his breaths.
“It hurts hyung…he doesn’t do all of these things anymore…he has stopped caring about me, he barely is present in here anymore…I-”
“Shhhh…” Jiyong chanted. “He hasn’t stop caring. He will never stop caring, Taemin. How daring are you, doubting his sincere affection towards you”
Taemin cried even more, this is what he needed, Jiyong thought. This is what can heal him. Jiyong could feel the coldness of his soaked shirt, a wetness he was honestly hoping would only be tears.
“Because…” he breathed again, a mixture of both snot and tears blocking his nostrils. “Because it’s not the kind of affection I want from him…” Taemin bemoaned out loud.
“I swear, hyung…if I had a chance with him, as tiny it might be, I would definitely go for it…”
“If there existed any possibilities of my feelings being corresponded I wouldn’t even be here crying as if there was no tomorrow…I’d be doing my best to win over his heart…”
“I swear, even if there existed any chances and I wouldn’t have taken any advantage of them I wouldn’t complain either, for I would know the opportunity was there and I was so coward to even say anything”
“But there isn’t, hyung, there aren’t any opportunities for me to take ”
“There are no hopes left for my heart”
“Hell! He doesn’t even like guys! What am I even deluding myself into?”
Jiyong just closed his eyes and let his own tears take over his already aching eyes. He hated seeing Taemin hurting like this.
“Oh, Taeminnie yah…if only you didn’t refuse to regard things the way they actually are you’d see…”
Taemin did not reply to that.
-
Minho tried doing his best ignoring the empty stare his youngest member has had lately, but it was becoming even more difficult to do so. When Taemin grieved everyone could notice it. But soon the questions Jonghyun and Jinki kept asking started being difficult to evade or answer.
“I don’t know hyung. He’s a teenager; he’s just having a phase. I am sure it’ll fade away soon.”
“He’s having a hard time at school. You know, now that he’s been transferred, it’s hard to adapt…he’ll get over it.”
“He’s worried because of his plants. There hasn’t been a sunny day in weeks, and some of them may rot.”
“He’s had a lot of homework lately, add to that our upcoming promotions and the fact he has all these plants to take care of…he’s just stressed, that’s all.”
“I am sorry hyung; I haven’t noticed he’s been feeling low these days…he hasn’t said anything either, so I guess it’s nothing to worry about. He’ll be fine, he’s a strong boy”
“I don’t know what he’s been into”
“I am sorry I don’t know what he feels anymore”
And everyone in SHINee believed him. There is no reason to doubt Choi Minho, after all; he’s always told the truth to his hyungs.
Although Minho did know. He was aware of everything the youngster had been put through. There were times he wished Taemin hadn’t been born homosexual; or hadn’t been born in such a homophobic land; or hadn’t at least fallen in love with Kibum. It would have made things far easier.
His wishes never became real; neither just wishing made things easier to take. Jonghyun kept sighing and tearing tiny teardrops he tried hard to suppress whenever he would catch a glimpse of the sorrowful gloomy shade Taemin’s figure had become; Jinki always avoided any eye contact with the youngest anytime he could, putting on a fake mask of naivety pretending he couldn’t hear the boy’s inner sobs; and Kibum, well, Minho couldn’t really say anything about him.
It was either Kibum did notice and tried spending more time with Amber in order to run away from such unbearable sight, or Kibum didn’t really notice at all because he spent too much time with Amber. Minho would rather believe the first one. He liked thinking the bemoans Kibum let out when he was on the phone with his girlfriend weren’t really fake, and the stiffness Kibum maintained as he watched Taemin make mistakes on the dance routine really meant that he cared.
Because Minho was also aware Kibum did care, and was also aware he was the only one who didn’t believe any of the explanations Minho had made up for the sake of Taemin’s secret.
So he was not surprised at all the day Kibum cornered him in his room when he was making the other three members a visit. The sudden click of the room’s lock made him turn his tall, slender frame to where the noise had come from but it was too late, for the elder was right in front of him.
“You are going to tell me what’s wrong with Taemin ah, Minho…and don’t try playing dumb with me because I am not buying any of the rubbish you’re throwing at Jinki hyung and Jonghyun hyung”
Minho sighed deeply and quickly tried thinking of a more convincing rubbish to say. Clearly that was going to be a very long evening.
He darted his glance back to meet Kibum’s accusing stare. He sent the elder a digging glare akin to his.
“Why won’t you ask him yourself? It’s not my thing to tell” he spat.
“You know I would have done so if I could” Kibum replied back, gaze so stark it made Minho feel nervous.
“Nothing stops you from asking, you know”
“Yes, there is something” Kibum softened his voice, but his grip on Minho’s shirt only increased. “He just kind of…bottled himself in, he’s unapproachable now, it’s driving me crazy”
“Well, you could have noticed it earlier only if you weren’t so inconsiderate of others”
“What are you talking about? I care about him; I have taken care of him more than any of you would ever imagine…”
“That’s what you like to think…” Minho was now the one who was glaring at the other accusingly. “You like to think you can notice everything about him, but you don’t, you can’t notice everything Kibum…”
“You could have noticed though, if you weren’t so stuck up to your own little world. You could have noticed if you would really have tried…heck, you can even notice right now what’s going on if you wanted. But you don’t really want, right?”
“Human mind most of the time only sees what it wants to see…but anyway it’s not like you are relevant, because if you were he would have told you a long time ago, but he didn’t; so stop butting in, what is going on with Taemin should not concern you, it’s not your business to mind after all…”
Minho felt the right side of his face go numb as his head swung abruptly to the left. Kibum’s hand froze right there on its spot. And Minho did really feel like a total jerk for what he just said when the realization of Kibum slapping him right on his face hit him.
-
“Minho hyung, I…I have something to ask you”
“What is it, duck?”
“What if I were-” he froze, fearing the simple thought of saying it aloud. “I mean, you are always so open to me and it’s not like I have been asking around about it but…”
“Come on, duck.” The elder said. “Spit it out”
“I have chosen you because I know you have a sister that is…” he breathed again. “That’s, well, lesbian…so I wanted to ask you this since I know you are the least likely to throw a fuss about it”
“But I think I like…men”
“I can’t help it hyung…he’s the first person I’ve felt like this for”
“I am sorry…”
“You don’t have reasons to be sorry, duck”
“I tried liking girls, but…seriously I am not…I can’t be attracted to them”
“I can’t conceive a way of liking them”
“I…only like him…”
“Is it…okay to feel like this?”
“Of course it is, duck”
“Then why is my heart throbbing so bad, as if I were doing something twisted and sick?”
“That’s-”
“That’s what?”
Minho couldn’t quite reply to that.
Free Hit Counter