Sassy Prose for a Friday Afternoon.
A Practical Ghost Story
By
Lee Thomas
Dear New Home Owner,
I hope this note finds you well, and that you are enjoying your new home. I represent a small contingent of men, women and children who were murdered under this roof, and we thought it best, in the interest of full disclosure, to let you know that our killer is still at large.
Firstly, let me apologize for the slamming doors and the damage to your various personal items. These were meant to announce our presence and give you clues as to our killer’s identity, and I must say you have done an excellent job with the rather thin hints we’ve managed to convey. Many other displays were considered, but rather than release the chandelier or trap you in the attic or write cryptic passages on your walls with some foul substance as some suggested, we have decided through consensus vote to take pen in hand - so to speak - and clear this matter up with an eye toward expediency.
Your real estate agent, Lisa Reynolds, was our murderer. I know this will come as something of a shock to you, as she seems like such a pleasant and perky thing, but she spent her childhood under the thumb of a rather brutal aunt - yes, the Mrs. Valorie you discovered in your own investigation (and bravo for that!) Far be it for me to speak ill of the dead, but the old woman had issues, and unfortunately she passed those on to Lisa. They resided at this address during Lisa's formative years, up until she smothered her aunt with a festive, needlepoint pillow. It was Mrs. Valorie’s practice to beat the young child and lock her in the attic and threaten her with stories about the creature that lived in the rafters (an identity Lisa took on for herself). Well it’s really all very convoluted and hardly worth mentioning. In short, Lisa wants you dead.
We suggest you check Lisa’s school enrollment forms to show a direct connection between the girl, her aunt and this house. Further, Lisa keeps her ice pick - the murder weapon - hidden in the attic, in an old trunk. In this trunk you’ll find a black haired doll. Just remove its head and you’ll find the weapon hidden in the doll’s torso. Now, far be it for us to tell you your business - you really have done an excellent job up until now - but all indications are that Lisa will murder you in your sleep tonight, so we strongly suggest you call the police now and pass on this information and then stay with friends or in a motel until Lisa is apprehended.
We do apologize for any distress this note may have caused you and any inconvenience you may have experienced from our actions. Do let us know if we can be of any further assistance.
All the best,
Us
*Written in response to some really illogical ghost movies I've recently viewed. I mean, really, you can slam doors and pound on walls but you can't write a little note? Please.
By
Lee Thomas
Dear New Home Owner,
I hope this note finds you well, and that you are enjoying your new home. I represent a small contingent of men, women and children who were murdered under this roof, and we thought it best, in the interest of full disclosure, to let you know that our killer is still at large.
Firstly, let me apologize for the slamming doors and the damage to your various personal items. These were meant to announce our presence and give you clues as to our killer’s identity, and I must say you have done an excellent job with the rather thin hints we’ve managed to convey. Many other displays were considered, but rather than release the chandelier or trap you in the attic or write cryptic passages on your walls with some foul substance as some suggested, we have decided through consensus vote to take pen in hand - so to speak - and clear this matter up with an eye toward expediency.
Your real estate agent, Lisa Reynolds, was our murderer. I know this will come as something of a shock to you, as she seems like such a pleasant and perky thing, but she spent her childhood under the thumb of a rather brutal aunt - yes, the Mrs. Valorie you discovered in your own investigation (and bravo for that!) Far be it for me to speak ill of the dead, but the old woman had issues, and unfortunately she passed those on to Lisa. They resided at this address during Lisa's formative years, up until she smothered her aunt with a festive, needlepoint pillow. It was Mrs. Valorie’s practice to beat the young child and lock her in the attic and threaten her with stories about the creature that lived in the rafters (an identity Lisa took on for herself). Well it’s really all very convoluted and hardly worth mentioning. In short, Lisa wants you dead.
We suggest you check Lisa’s school enrollment forms to show a direct connection between the girl, her aunt and this house. Further, Lisa keeps her ice pick - the murder weapon - hidden in the attic, in an old trunk. In this trunk you’ll find a black haired doll. Just remove its head and you’ll find the weapon hidden in the doll’s torso. Now, far be it for us to tell you your business - you really have done an excellent job up until now - but all indications are that Lisa will murder you in your sleep tonight, so we strongly suggest you call the police now and pass on this information and then stay with friends or in a motel until Lisa is apprehended.
We do apologize for any distress this note may have caused you and any inconvenience you may have experienced from our actions. Do let us know if we can be of any further assistance.
All the best,
Us
*Written in response to some really illogical ghost movies I've recently viewed. I mean, really, you can slam doors and pound on walls but you can't write a little note? Please.