The shift
I would be wrong not to write about this, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like a pity party. In any case, it does mark a significant change in my life, so it needs to be recorded.
I've been working quite a bit, and going out and drinking quite hard after each shift. It was a typical Monday of me sitting on the couch before work, playing Xbox before getting ready for work. Billy K. texted me and asked for a ride to the airport at 5:30AM the next morning. After some thought, I texted him back with:
"I guess. Could you not find anyone else to take you?"
without thinking of how that sounded. I never meant to say no, and I wasn't not going to do it, but obviously I wasn't thrilled about taking him. The next text I got read:
"Big fucking favor to ask considering you owe me 5 months rent i know, forget it."
If you remember, he's referring to the summer I was unemployed for several months. At this point, I slightly panic in my head and immediately text back:
"No it's okay I'll take you."
for which I get a reply of:
"Fuck you, work on getting me my money."
I'm on the road at this point, to work, diving deeper into thoughts of driving into a wall. I've definitely screwed myself with my selfish comments. The rest of the day consists of me at work, not only thinking of how to pay back Billy, but also what this has all done to our friendship. Over the past few months, in random conversations, he'll sometimes point out how my comments are unnecessary or just plain retarded out of nowhere. I've felt this resentment at random times, but dismissed it on the basis that more than half the time, he's kinda drunk. But now, it makes more sense that he's been harboring this deep-seeded resentment towards me for that summer where I took advantage of our friendship and didn't pay him anything. Back then, I thought I was doing the right thing when I quit my serving job. I knew it was getting me nowhere and I needed a change. I just didn't realize how it would all spiral out of control and affect so many aspects of my life. I was selfish then, and I am selfish now.
More and more thoughts like this pile up in my head while the work night progresses. I went out drinking again with some co-workers, just fearing the thought of going home and seeing Billy in person. We hang out until around 3AM, where we part ways. I head back home, deep into depression mode. I'm not feeling very good about myself, my life, my everything. I feel like a huge asshole walking into the shitstorm that's about to happen. I get to my street and don't make the turn towards the house. I end up driving around for about another hour, just circling empty streets, thinking to myself about how I'm terrible. I end up at IHOP at around 4:30AM (after passing it three or four times) and order some food. I really wanted to use the bathroom but it was destroyed by someone who had one too many Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruitys. I stay at IHOP until around 5AM, then sort of head home again.
Around then was the point that I realize that I really didn't feel like moving forward with life. The thought of having to collect the money to pay back Billy was daunting enough, but the realization that it wouldn't fix our relationship was heartbreaking. I've broken something that has stood since we were children. It really was all on me too. He was actually there for me, letting me stay despite not having any income whatsoever. And here I was, taking advantage of it all, time and time again. What's worse is that this whole thing seemed awfully familiar. Then I recalled the time where I borrowed money from ThienAu and took forever to pay him back while I was "squatting" in their apartment before I was kicked out. Was I doomed to repeat the process of destroying friendships? I was thumbing this suicide hotline number I have saved in my phone for just this occasion. I didn't really know where to turn, or where I was going for that matter. It was almost 6AM when I randomly decided to text Susan to call me. She was the only one I knew of that was going to be awake in the next hour or two. To my surprise, she called me a minute or two after I sent the text. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I'm sure I was stammering quite a bit, before asking her if I could go over to her place. I just didn't want to go back to the house. She agreed, and I ended up all the way at her place at around 6:30AM.
Susan was still sleeping, but left the door unlocked to let me in. I was still pretty wired from the coffee at IHOP, so I quietly sat in her office and decided to write about the past 12 hours' events and their effects on me. It was a suicide note of sorts. I don't believe in suicide at all, really. It is the most selfish thing anyone can do, which kinda fits me, but it solves absolutely nothing. Life is too precious to just give up at, but my current life didn't seem too thrilling anyways. I just wrote the note to give Susan a bit more perspective, since I seemed really vague in my talks with her. I wrote about four pages while Susan was getting up to go to work/school at 8 or 9AM. We spoke before she left, even though I didn't seem very responsive. I don't even know what we talked about. She offered to let me sleep in her bed and hang out at her place while she was gone. I actually don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing if she didn't lend me a hand. I still felt like I was taking advantage of her good nature however. I finished up the note and kinda passed out until 1PM, waking up randomly because her cats were climbing all over me, like a piece of furniture.
I did have to work that night, so I decided to stay at Susan's and watch television. I was still feeling everything like before. I was in full beat-myself-up mode. Susan called me at around 3PM. We talked for a good hour about what was going on, and this time I was a bit clearer. She didn't feel like she was helping very much, but then again, I was giving her basically nothing. Like I said before, I really hate the phone.
(to be continued, have to work)
I've been working quite a bit, and going out and drinking quite hard after each shift. It was a typical Monday of me sitting on the couch before work, playing Xbox before getting ready for work. Billy K. texted me and asked for a ride to the airport at 5:30AM the next morning. After some thought, I texted him back with:
"I guess. Could you not find anyone else to take you?"
without thinking of how that sounded. I never meant to say no, and I wasn't not going to do it, but obviously I wasn't thrilled about taking him. The next text I got read:
"Big fucking favor to ask considering you owe me 5 months rent i know, forget it."
If you remember, he's referring to the summer I was unemployed for several months. At this point, I slightly panic in my head and immediately text back:
"No it's okay I'll take you."
for which I get a reply of:
"Fuck you, work on getting me my money."
I'm on the road at this point, to work, diving deeper into thoughts of driving into a wall. I've definitely screwed myself with my selfish comments. The rest of the day consists of me at work, not only thinking of how to pay back Billy, but also what this has all done to our friendship. Over the past few months, in random conversations, he'll sometimes point out how my comments are unnecessary or just plain retarded out of nowhere. I've felt this resentment at random times, but dismissed it on the basis that more than half the time, he's kinda drunk. But now, it makes more sense that he's been harboring this deep-seeded resentment towards me for that summer where I took advantage of our friendship and didn't pay him anything. Back then, I thought I was doing the right thing when I quit my serving job. I knew it was getting me nowhere and I needed a change. I just didn't realize how it would all spiral out of control and affect so many aspects of my life. I was selfish then, and I am selfish now.
More and more thoughts like this pile up in my head while the work night progresses. I went out drinking again with some co-workers, just fearing the thought of going home and seeing Billy in person. We hang out until around 3AM, where we part ways. I head back home, deep into depression mode. I'm not feeling very good about myself, my life, my everything. I feel like a huge asshole walking into the shitstorm that's about to happen. I get to my street and don't make the turn towards the house. I end up driving around for about another hour, just circling empty streets, thinking to myself about how I'm terrible. I end up at IHOP at around 4:30AM (after passing it three or four times) and order some food. I really wanted to use the bathroom but it was destroyed by someone who had one too many Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruitys. I stay at IHOP until around 5AM, then sort of head home again.
Around then was the point that I realize that I really didn't feel like moving forward with life. The thought of having to collect the money to pay back Billy was daunting enough, but the realization that it wouldn't fix our relationship was heartbreaking. I've broken something that has stood since we were children. It really was all on me too. He was actually there for me, letting me stay despite not having any income whatsoever. And here I was, taking advantage of it all, time and time again. What's worse is that this whole thing seemed awfully familiar. Then I recalled the time where I borrowed money from ThienAu and took forever to pay him back while I was "squatting" in their apartment before I was kicked out. Was I doomed to repeat the process of destroying friendships? I was thumbing this suicide hotline number I have saved in my phone for just this occasion. I didn't really know where to turn, or where I was going for that matter. It was almost 6AM when I randomly decided to text Susan to call me. She was the only one I knew of that was going to be awake in the next hour or two. To my surprise, she called me a minute or two after I sent the text. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I'm sure I was stammering quite a bit, before asking her if I could go over to her place. I just didn't want to go back to the house. She agreed, and I ended up all the way at her place at around 6:30AM.
Susan was still sleeping, but left the door unlocked to let me in. I was still pretty wired from the coffee at IHOP, so I quietly sat in her office and decided to write about the past 12 hours' events and their effects on me. It was a suicide note of sorts. I don't believe in suicide at all, really. It is the most selfish thing anyone can do, which kinda fits me, but it solves absolutely nothing. Life is too precious to just give up at, but my current life didn't seem too thrilling anyways. I just wrote the note to give Susan a bit more perspective, since I seemed really vague in my talks with her. I wrote about four pages while Susan was getting up to go to work/school at 8 or 9AM. We spoke before she left, even though I didn't seem very responsive. I don't even know what we talked about. She offered to let me sleep in her bed and hang out at her place while she was gone. I actually don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing if she didn't lend me a hand. I still felt like I was taking advantage of her good nature however. I finished up the note and kinda passed out until 1PM, waking up randomly because her cats were climbing all over me, like a piece of furniture.
I did have to work that night, so I decided to stay at Susan's and watch television. I was still feeling everything like before. I was in full beat-myself-up mode. Susan called me at around 3PM. We talked for a good hour about what was going on, and this time I was a bit clearer. She didn't feel like she was helping very much, but then again, I was giving her basically nothing. Like I said before, I really hate the phone.
(to be continued, have to work)