Uh, yeah, who else saw this coming?
I broke up with SPK. We're on great terms - I just can't seem to be comfortable 'as' a girlfriend. And there's a whole other host of problems associated with my life and I just am kind of sick of myself.
For the morbidly curious, here's a Shika/Tem drabble thing I wrote up middle of last week. This was my mindset-ish.
"It wasn't a dark, stormy night - it wasn't a clear, cold morning or a rainy afternoon. There was nothing special about the day at all, which was why when he saw her walk away and it hit him he'd never be able to explain it to his friends later.
It had always been there, and he should have known.
Ino and Chouji had been merciless in their teasing when the mousy little brown haired, brown eyed girl first started watching him a little too intently. They'd badgered him and wheelded him, comparing the sweet and perfect Shiho to the witch who'd been tormenting him for years.
He'd noticed her affections long before they had, of course, but he'd dismissed Shiho as boring and ended things like that.
He never could dismiss her, though - he'd just shove her and her way of moving, smiling, walking, fighting, her way of everything to the back of his mind.
But she was still there even as he followed the advice of his friends and took Shiho out on a date.
"She's perfect for you - the opposite of your mother, of--"
"Don't you want a girl who knows her place is here in Konoha with you?"
"You're not going to get anyone any better."
Halfway through their second date, after the little tingling satisfaction of having her beside him the night before had worn off, he found himself not looking at her. He tried to dismiss it - he liked the warmth of her body beside him - but the fact was still in the back of his head, taunting him. Like she always did, with her smirks and laughs and jabs about him being a chauvanist crybaby.
So when the witch, the princess of the Sand came back to Konoha, he found himself spending more and more time with Shiho in body, but not in mind. He avoided all contact with the delegate, making himself busy with anything - everything - and everyone noticed but unlike before, no one said anything.
Before, on her earliest visits, they'd had a twisted kind of banter - a courtship - that had ended after their trysts had become harder and harder to hide.
But it hit him when he was curled up with Shiho beside him and she walked in with another man on her arm. It hit him like a handful of shuriken, thudding into his chest so sharply he actually gasped. His girlfriend was instantly sitting up, alert, but he hugged her back against his chest so he didn't have to look her in the eyes and know that she wasn't Temari.
That night was the first night he and Shiho slept together, and he could hardly get it over with quickly enough. In the dark, with her high voice gasping his name, he still pretended he wanted the girl he had.
He couldn't do any better, but she deserved better. It wasn't that he didn't like Shiho - she was his ideal, back when he'd try to craft a foil for his pain in the ass mother, but he didn't love her, didn't want her, and it was killing him.
He found himself finding excuses to be in the same room as her and unable to take his eyes off her. The only way he'd ever have her was in his mind, but he couldn't stand to talk to her. As soon as he got home he'd sit on his couch and have Shiho nestle beside him and they'd talk for hours, or he'd go and play chess with his dad.
News came a few months later - Suna was requesting assistance for finding a team of their jounin who'd last been seen on the border between Fire and Wind. She was one of them, and thought to be--
Again, the stab of feeling, too intense to hide - thankfully he was alone. The Hokage had sent him the summons personally, and he wanted nothing more to throw it in the fire, let her die and get on with his life with someone, anyone else. But he accepted the mission.
The day before he left, Shiho came home with her hair dyed blonde for a mission of her own, and they'd made vicious love in the dark because if he let the sex blind him he could pretend a little easier the girl he wanted was the one in his arms.
Her lover was on the two-village shared team - a black haired, blue eyed man simmering with brooding rage and ready to tear apart something, anything with his teeth. It took all of his willpower not to leave the brute tied to a tree when he'd proclaimed his love for the blonde Suna nin, but he'd just shrugged and took off.
They followed tracks for days, up and down the border until they found the last battleground. The leaves and grass were torn and scarred by weaponry and the stench of the dead and dying was what led them there first. In the epicenter stood a half folded fan with a filthy, battered pair of ninja beside it.
When Ryoku had found his lover, he'd screamed and ran to her side, cradling her against his shoulder. As the medics rushed in to treat her, her teal eyes had opened.
And landed squarely on Shikamaru.
He couldn't touch her, couldn't come any closer, but their gazes stayed on the other even throughout the chaos as Ryoku clutched her nearer.
It was the next day when she'd headed home with her lover's arm around her waist that it hit him. Everything fell into the loudest silence as she half turned, as though he was using his jutsu on her, but their eyes never met.
The next day, he broke off his relationship with Shiho. At dinner with Ino and Chouji the next night, no one said anything. The next morning at work, he met her brown eyes calmly.
He wasn't pretending anymore.
But, what had he gained, except honesty? Except a free concience even with waves of dissaproval radiating from her family, from people who didn't know better. From those who didn't know her. She was like a cancer, taking over his life with every second, and there was just no damn cure.
She'd never be his, and he'd never want anyone else. But the cold, brutal truth was still better than pretending, better than dating someone who he couldn't even look at just to try to fill the gaping hole she'd left behind."
So I'm throwing myself into NaNo and school because there are some things about myself that I just can't seem to change. And I have to work on them, and I know, but...
Until I do, all I will have is friendship. And that's okay.
For the morbidly curious, here's a Shika/Tem drabble thing I wrote up middle of last week. This was my mindset-ish.
"It wasn't a dark, stormy night - it wasn't a clear, cold morning or a rainy afternoon. There was nothing special about the day at all, which was why when he saw her walk away and it hit him he'd never be able to explain it to his friends later.
It had always been there, and he should have known.
Ino and Chouji had been merciless in their teasing when the mousy little brown haired, brown eyed girl first started watching him a little too intently. They'd badgered him and wheelded him, comparing the sweet and perfect Shiho to the witch who'd been tormenting him for years.
He'd noticed her affections long before they had, of course, but he'd dismissed Shiho as boring and ended things like that.
He never could dismiss her, though - he'd just shove her and her way of moving, smiling, walking, fighting, her way of everything to the back of his mind.
But she was still there even as he followed the advice of his friends and took Shiho out on a date.
"She's perfect for you - the opposite of your mother, of--"
"Don't you want a girl who knows her place is here in Konoha with you?"
"You're not going to get anyone any better."
Halfway through their second date, after the little tingling satisfaction of having her beside him the night before had worn off, he found himself not looking at her. He tried to dismiss it - he liked the warmth of her body beside him - but the fact was still in the back of his head, taunting him. Like she always did, with her smirks and laughs and jabs about him being a chauvanist crybaby.
So when the witch, the princess of the Sand came back to Konoha, he found himself spending more and more time with Shiho in body, but not in mind. He avoided all contact with the delegate, making himself busy with anything - everything - and everyone noticed but unlike before, no one said anything.
Before, on her earliest visits, they'd had a twisted kind of banter - a courtship - that had ended after their trysts had become harder and harder to hide.
But it hit him when he was curled up with Shiho beside him and she walked in with another man on her arm. It hit him like a handful of shuriken, thudding into his chest so sharply he actually gasped. His girlfriend was instantly sitting up, alert, but he hugged her back against his chest so he didn't have to look her in the eyes and know that she wasn't Temari.
That night was the first night he and Shiho slept together, and he could hardly get it over with quickly enough. In the dark, with her high voice gasping his name, he still pretended he wanted the girl he had.
He couldn't do any better, but she deserved better. It wasn't that he didn't like Shiho - she was his ideal, back when he'd try to craft a foil for his pain in the ass mother, but he didn't love her, didn't want her, and it was killing him.
He found himself finding excuses to be in the same room as her and unable to take his eyes off her. The only way he'd ever have her was in his mind, but he couldn't stand to talk to her. As soon as he got home he'd sit on his couch and have Shiho nestle beside him and they'd talk for hours, or he'd go and play chess with his dad.
News came a few months later - Suna was requesting assistance for finding a team of their jounin who'd last been seen on the border between Fire and Wind. She was one of them, and thought to be--
Again, the stab of feeling, too intense to hide - thankfully he was alone. The Hokage had sent him the summons personally, and he wanted nothing more to throw it in the fire, let her die and get on with his life with someone, anyone else. But he accepted the mission.
The day before he left, Shiho came home with her hair dyed blonde for a mission of her own, and they'd made vicious love in the dark because if he let the sex blind him he could pretend a little easier the girl he wanted was the one in his arms.
Her lover was on the two-village shared team - a black haired, blue eyed man simmering with brooding rage and ready to tear apart something, anything with his teeth. It took all of his willpower not to leave the brute tied to a tree when he'd proclaimed his love for the blonde Suna nin, but he'd just shrugged and took off.
They followed tracks for days, up and down the border until they found the last battleground. The leaves and grass were torn and scarred by weaponry and the stench of the dead and dying was what led them there first. In the epicenter stood a half folded fan with a filthy, battered pair of ninja beside it.
When Ryoku had found his lover, he'd screamed and ran to her side, cradling her against his shoulder. As the medics rushed in to treat her, her teal eyes had opened.
And landed squarely on Shikamaru.
He couldn't touch her, couldn't come any closer, but their gazes stayed on the other even throughout the chaos as Ryoku clutched her nearer.
It was the next day when she'd headed home with her lover's arm around her waist that it hit him. Everything fell into the loudest silence as she half turned, as though he was using his jutsu on her, but their eyes never met.
The next day, he broke off his relationship with Shiho. At dinner with Ino and Chouji the next night, no one said anything. The next morning at work, he met her brown eyes calmly.
He wasn't pretending anymore.
But, what had he gained, except honesty? Except a free concience even with waves of dissaproval radiating from her family, from people who didn't know better. From those who didn't know her. She was like a cancer, taking over his life with every second, and there was just no damn cure.
She'd never be his, and he'd never want anyone else. But the cold, brutal truth was still better than pretending, better than dating someone who he couldn't even look at just to try to fill the gaping hole she'd left behind."
So I'm throwing myself into NaNo and school because there are some things about myself that I just can't seem to change. And I have to work on them, and I know, but...
Until I do, all I will have is friendship. And that's okay.