The Three Cupcakes (8/?) Part One
Title: The Three Cupcakes (8/?) Part One
Pairing(s): 2Jun (Family!2JunSeob) Some JunKwang
Rating: PG-13+ (NC-17 later)
Word Count: 7083
Summary: Doojoon makes a big mistake. Junhyung can’t take anymore. Yoseob is caught in the middle.
A/N: Different points of views again. And a time lapse. :)
(A lovely picture by deemonic~ IT IS BEAUTEOUS, NO? Thank you, bb~~~)Previous: The Three Cupcakes (7/?) Part One
(Yoseob’s POV)
“Umma? What’s wrong?” I ask him. I turn around in his lap so I can look umma in his eyes ‘cause I can’t see them.
He won’t talk to me. He just keep crying and crying real loud and shaking a lot. It’s scaring me. I never see umma cry so hard and loud… He is very sad and I don’t know why he is sad. I keep asking umma why he is crying but he only cry loud… I wish he will stop.
I remember what Kiki say to me at his house before I went home yesterday…
…
…
“Why I have to come to your house, Kiki?” Yoseob asked. He was seated at the little table, sockless and nibbling on his baby carrots. He was doing his vocabulary homework, which was matching simple words with their past tenses.
“Because Junhyung told me to bring you here,” Kikwang replied.
“Where umma go?”
“I don’t know,” lied Kikwang sweetly, “He didn’t tell me where he was going.”
“…Umma always going somewhere. It take him a long time, too,” said the baby, a statement dripping with sadness. Kikwang frowned. He didn’t want the little one upset… There would be enough of that to go around if things had turned up for the worst for Doojoon.
“I knoooow…” began Kikwang, sitting adjacent to Yoseob on the floor, “But you know he loves you, right? Jun loves you so much.”
“Yeah, I know.” Yoseob glowed a bit. He felt it every day.
“And that’s what matters the most… How has umma been lately? He hasn’t been sad, has he?”
“Mmmm… no. Not sad. He’s not sad a lot like last time.”
“He was really sad like last time, wasn’t he?”
Yoseob nodded, “And he cry all the time.”
“And I know you hate it when you see umma Jun cry, don’t you?”
“I don’t like it because I feel sad.”
“You feel sad because Jun feels sad, and you don’t want him to be. But next time you see umma cry, you say ‘Don’t cry, umma. It’s okay. Everything will be fine. It’s going to be okay,’ and you give him a lot of kisses and a lot of hugs. And you tell him that you love him every single day. That will make him stop crying and he will feel better.”
…
…
“Umma…” I touch umma’s face and I try to get his hands off his face so I can see him. It was hard, “Ummaaaaa, stop crying… no crying anymore.”
Umma won’t look at me anymore… He keep crying more louder…
“You’re making me sad, umma… Stop crying. Everything going to be okay…” I kiss his hand and I hug him real tight like he hug me all the time, “Everything going to be okay. Don’t cry… umma I love you.”
Umma grab me and hug me tight and he keep crying loud in my ear for a long, long time… I just keep telling him I love him. He says he love me too a lot of times. And then he finally stop crying. Kiki was right. Umma put me in his lap and he hold me in his arms. He takes a lot of breaths.
“Baby…”
I look up at him, “Yes?”
“You wanted to know where appa was… Right?”
“Uh huh…”
“Well……” Umma pats me on my head real soft, “…… Ap… Appa got into an accident in his car yesterday.”
“‘Accident’? Like mistake?”
“Y-Yes… Like a mistake. But… Appa got very hurt in this accident. He was not feeling well, so he had to go to the hospital. The doctors are going to help him feel better and get him healthy again so he can come home to us.”
Appa is at a hospital…?
“Appa is okay?”
“He’s fine, sweetie.”
My heart feel very afraid when umma say hospital. I don’t want appa to die like umma did. She died at a hospital… What if appa die, too? I don’t want appa to be an angel ‘cause then I can’t see him anymore. I will be very, very sad. I want him to be here with me and umma forever…
“So Appa not gonna be here to open presents with me…?”
Umma sniffs real long.
“……No. No, not this time.”
I start to feel real sad. I look down to my pants. I feel like crying, too. Umma hold me tighter and kiss my head again and again.
“Seobie, umma is so sorry… I-I’m sorry this happened… I wanted your birthday to be great and I wanted you to be so happy and feel special, too… Umma did all he could to see if appa could come home…”
“When can appa come home from the hospital?” I ask umma.
Umma stopped to think for a long time.
“…Whenever he gets better is what the doctor told me.”
“I hope he get better fast so he can be at home…”
“Me, too… I want appa home as soon as possible. We will have to pray that appa feels better every day, okay?”
“Okay. I’m going to pray real hard for appa. And I’m gonna make him cards, too.”
Umma smiles. It is not a big smile, but he smiles at me. And I feel better.
“He would love those, baby… He loves your pretty cards.”
“Umma?”
“Mhm?”
“…You’re not mad at appa anymore now?”
Umma look at me for a long time. Then he looked down, and then he say to me, “……Appa has a very special place in my heart. He always will. I…” Umma starts to make a sad face, like he is going to cry again, “…I love appa very much… I don’t know what I’m gonna do… I don’t know what I’m going to do…”
Umma is crying all over again. He is crying more soft. I hug him tight again and I kiss his face.
“Everything will be alright, umma…” I tell him, “Appa gonna get better. Then he come home and be with us and everything will be normal. Don’t cry…”
And umma hug me again and kiss me a lot of times. He tell me he love me “more than anything in the entire world.” I know he does.
I love him, too…
Me and umma opened my presents. I opened the big one first! It was a big kitchen that had pots and a big spoon and spatula and a lot of food and a cook hat and an apron like umma wears all the time. It had a stove, too. I wish the food was real, but that’s okay. Then I got some cool cars. And umma got me shoes and clothes and he made me try them on. He got a lot of clothes… My shoes have lights inside them! When I walk they glow red like umma’s hair. I hug umma real tight because I wanted shoes with lights in them for a long time. I didn’t want to take them off but umma said “no shoes in the house.”
For dinner, we made chili!! Umma keep his promise with me. I was his helper and I gave him what he told me to give him. And I mix the chili a lot with the big spoon. It tasted good and a little spicy. I had crackers with mine. It made me feel warm. I play with umma under the table to make him smile. I want umma to smile a lot.
Umma let me eat one more cupcake after dinner. I had a lot of cupcakes today.
It is my bedtime now. Umma watched me bathe by myself, and he let me put on my pajamas by myself. Then me and umma go to my bed and we pray together that appa get better real fast so he can be at home again. I ask angel umma to pray for appa, too. When we finish, umma tucked me into bed and gave me Thomas, then sat next to me on my bed. He pat me on the head softly.
“I’m sorry that today wasn’t how you thought it would be…” umma say to me.
“I still liked my birthday, umma. I liked my cupcakes and my presents and my light shoes. And chili. I liked everything.”
“Really…?”
“Uh huh… Thank you for all my stuff.”
“You’re welcome, baby…”
“……Umma?”
“Hm?”
“I want a story…”
“You want me to read you a story?”
I nod my head. I just want to hear umma’s voice. I don’t want him to leave yet…
“Okay. Which one?”
“The one with the lost duck.”
It is my favorite book. Umma got the book from my shelf and he sat on my bed and he start to read the story to me. I follow along with my eyes. His voice is really soft…
I love umma’s voice…
Umma’s voice is really soft…
Really, really soft…
…
(Junhyung’s POV)
“………but he did not listen to his mother when she told him not t-”
-A gentle snore quietly tipped into the middle of my sentence, so I instantly looked to Yoseob. His eyes were closed… He fell asleep in the middle of the story. I closed the book quietly and slipped it back onto his bookshelf. Then I cautiously removed myself from the bed, but I kneeled beside the bed to stroke his arm as gently as I could manage, and I thought about how much he resembled Doojoon while he slept. So at peace. So innocent…
He took the news better than I expected… I thought he would be the one crying hysterically, that he would be the one thoroughly upset about it all, but I was the hysterical one. He was the one consoling me… He understood far better than I could’ve ever anticipated. He doesn’t know the real danger that Doojoon’s in, but regardless, this boy amazes me more and more every day.
I kissed his cheek and uttered to him that I loved him until I was sure he could hear it in his dreams. Then I switched off his lamp light, turned on his nightlight, and fled the room undetected.
I wrapped myself in a blanket, poured myself a glass of warm liquor, and plugged my body into the couch in front of the television that was not turned on.
I sat there for hours. Just blinking.
Drinking.
Thinking… The image of Doojoon lying there motionless on his back with “mild” scrapings and infinite white gauze keeping him all together was seared into my forethoughts. How can someone be alive, but not alive? How can he be breathing and living, but not breathing and living? I couldn’t grasp the idea of that even being possible in this universe for the life of me. It’s unthinkable.
I pulled out my phone to independently research “comatose” so I could enlighten myself. I remembered the doctor talking about the possibility of Doojoon being unresponsive for days or months or years.
He was right, according to my findings. They could be in that state for a number of years. And some don’t make it out.
And they die.
Or their families can’t keep paying for them to stay in the hospital, even with the insurance. Then they have to sign a form to consent the victim’s death.
And then they die.
I cut off my phone. I actually threw it. My body felt like lead.
I could not imagine how that must feel. I could not imagine having to kill Doojoon-me-because I can’t pay for his care. I could not fathom Doojoon in a coma for years and years… being without him for years and years… living without him for the rest of my days. But not only mine. He would miss everything in Yoseob’s life.
And Yoseob…
………My poor child.
Doojoon can’t die. He can’t. He has to stay alive. If not for me, then for Yoseob. Yoseob can’t have his appa die. How in hell would he be able to cope with something like that?
From what Doojoon told me, he fought viciously with his nearest relatives for paternal custody. His sister even told him before she died that she wanted Doojoon to care for her child. If his parents found out about his death, they would try to legally strip Yoseob from me. They have verbally expressed their disdain and disapproval of me in the past, not agreeing with Doojoon and I’s relationship.
If Yoseob is out of my life, then I would really have nothing left to live for. I say it over and over and over, but I don’t know any other, effective means to voice or express it: He is my everything. I love him more than he will ever, ever know. It baffles to me, how much I love him, because I never knew I bore the ability to give a single person so much of my attention and time and love. When I first laid eyes on Yoseob I was smitten. I will do anything, say anything, commit a murder, or die for that boy. The day that I go without seeing those big eyes at least once is my very last day. No one is taking Yoseob from me. That is my child. I raised him. No one is taking him away; I don’t give a damn who it is. I don’t give a damn if they are blood related. They’ll have to kill me dead before I ever give him up to anyone else. They’ll have to pry us apart.
Taking him away would not only traumatize me, but Yoseob would be awfully confused. He has known me for five years of his life… He doesn’t know anyone else other than Doojoon and Kiki, and Hyunseung and his classmates. His extended family is hours away. They would tell him lies about me, and about Doojoon, and they would fill his head with other nonsensical things… He wouldn’t have cupcakes, or someone to read to him or tuck him in before he goes to bed whenever he wanted. He wouldn’t have Doojoon to rough around with, or me to hold on to when he’s scared at night. Yoseob wouldn’t be Yoseob anymore. He would be someone else.
Doojoon…
…I’ve tried to think about the last words Doojoon said to me. I couldn’t remember them, and it added on to the weight of my deadness. I remembered his first words, but not his last. I was probably yelling…
…I deserve every bit of this. I pushed him away. I pushed him to cheating. I pushed and pushed. I’m confounded by why he chose to stay by my side all those times when I was an unreasonable, harping hard-ass. All he wanted to do was love me… I kept pushing him away because I didn’t want to let him in. I was scared of getting hurt again. So scared-and so stupid-that I didn’t realize how hard he was trying to give me love.
Doojoon just wanted to love me…
That’s all he wanted to do.
… I went to sleep with a sensible heaviness loitering in my heart and zipping, little fish swimming vigorously in the back of my head.
♥
(Next Day, Yoseob’s POV)
Umma is loud… He wakes me up out of my sleep. I look up from my pillow and he is going to my closet and my drawers with the clothes in them and back and forth and back and forth. He says more stuff but I’m too sleepy to hear him… I’m really sleepy…
“‘Wake up, Seobie… Umma’s sorry… We’re going to be a little late…’”
……
……
“Yoseob.”
I wake up again real fast. My heart is moving fast, too. I had fell asleep again…
Umma comes to my bed and I rub my eyes.
“You scared me, ‘ma…”
Umma pat my head, “I’m sorry… But I need you to wake up for me. You’re gonna be a little late for school today. Umma woke up at the wrong time.” Then he tell me to go to the bathroom. He say I can bathe myself and brush my teeth while he makes my breakfast, but he says to do it very quick.
“I know you’re tired. Umma’s sorry… but you’re a big boy now, right?”
“Yeah…”
Umma gives me a kiss, and then he says sorry again, and then I go to the bathroom. Umma already run the water for me in the bathtub. I see the soap and the soft rag. I take off my pajamas and I get in the bathtub. The water is hot but umma always have hot water when I take a bath. And sometimes bubbles, but no bubbles today.
I grab the rag and I put soap on it like umma show me and then I rub it all over. I do it two times and then I rinse it off with water. All done. I twist the ball at the bottom of the water so the water can get out. I grab a towel off the rack and I wrap it around me. I try and tuck it like umma but I can’t so I just put it underneath my arm so it can stay.
I brush my teeth next. I put a lot of toothpaste on my toothbrush, too. I brush them real careful. I brush my tongue, too. I don’t know why you brush a tongue but umma tell me to so I just do it.
I go back to umma in the kitchen. He is at the stove.
“Umma I’m done!”
He turns around and bends down to me.
“You’re all done? Did you wash well?”
“Uh huh.”
Umma takes my arm and smells it, “Ohh, you smell very nice. You washed your hair, too?”
“……Oh. Uh oh. I forgot to.”
“It’s okay, Seobie. You’ll be fine for a day. What about your teeth?”
I smile so umma can see my teeth.
“And your tongue?”
I stick out my tongue.
“Wow… I’m surprised. You did a really good job, Seobie. Umma is proud of you. Now c’mon. Let’s go put your clothes on.”
Me and umma go back to my room. He lets me put on my own clothes and shoes. He helps me a little, but I still do it by myself. I tied my shoes, too!! We go in the kitchen and umma gives me my breakfast. He say to take my time and not eat fast. “I don’t want you to get sick.” I finish my cereal but I didn’t eat my oranges but umma let me take them into his car.
“Umma is so sorry for making you late. I don’t know what I was thinking,” umma says. Umma doesn’t like to be late. He drives a little fast so we get to my school fast. I still didn’t eat all of my oranges.
“C’mon, Seobie.”
“‘Kay.”
He forgets to check my clothes and jacket. He take my hand and we walk to my classroom together. Umma knocks on the door and Jang-ssi comes. He looks surprised.
“Oh! Seobie!”
Umma lets go of my hand, “I’m sorry for interrupting,” umma tells Jang-ssi, “I…… my clock-and I just-”
“No, no. I understand. Everything’s well here.”
“I hope he hasn’t missed much. I tried to get here as soon as I could and-”
“-I didn’t eat all my oranges,” I say to Jang-ssi. I show them to him, “I can eat my oranges in class?”
“Of course you can, Yoseob. And he hasn’t missed very much, Junhyung. We just finished our routine review of phonetics and numbers, and Yoseob has shown excellence in those areas. So he should be fine.”
Umma lets out a big breath. He comes down to his knees to look at me.
“Alright… I’m gonna leave now.”
He opens his arms for a hug. I walk into them and I give umma a big hug and then I kiss him.
“Umma won’t have you late again. I promise… Be good and have a good day today… And eat all of your oranges. The vitamins in them will keep you from catching another cold.”
“I wiiiiiill.”
Umma smiles and give me a kiss, “……I love you Seobie.”
“Love you, too.”
And I say “no crying” and “everything gonna be alright.”
♥
(Sweet Yong, Kikwang’s POV)
If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. It’s always been that way with Junhyung. He inexplicably hurdles over one obstacle, but then there’s one or two more standing right in his path to stability.
The day before yesterday, he came to my home very late at night after he learned about Doojoon being hospitalized. Almost at eleven. Yoseob was sleeping, and I was staying up worried sick about Junhyung. I even called and texted him a few times, but the man never answered. I knew from then on that Doojoon must’ve been either critically wounded from the accident, or dead. I didn’t even want to think on the latter bit. Doojoon dead? I knew how much he really meant to Junhyung, and Yoseob dearly loved him. His death would be an irreversible shock to the two, and Junhyung’s lament would be never ending.
When he finally arrived at my doorstep, I was relieved that he wasn’t crying and hollering hysterically, because that could’ve possibly hinted Doojoon’s death. But then I reminded myself that Junhyung would never act in such a way publicly, even if circumstances had taken that turn. He was not happy, I could tell you that. He was void of all gleeful emotion. He simply stood under the main door way of my home and peered blankly into me.
That’s when I understood. I felt his emptiness shoot into me from his pupils. I knew Doojoon was alive somehow, but I knew that he was not alright.
I softly told Junhyung to come inside, and he unhurriedly did. And we both went into my room. And he scooped up Yoseob and held him for at least ten minutes before speaking a word to me. I offered him food or something to drink during that lapse of time, but he denied it all, fondly stroking Yoseob’s hair. His eyes spoke to me; they were downcast. He was thinking about Yoseob…
But spontaneously, he revealed to me what was on his heart. Hushing his voice, he told me about what the nurse and doctor said to him, and then he tearfully recalled to me the moment he saw Doojoon on the hospital bed, stopping in between his words umpteen times before he felt like he could continue on without crumbling into mumbles. But that particular recollection tore Jun apart. He stifled his cries until he could not stifle them any longer. The tears rolled down his face one after the other, and I could feel the aches in his bursts of sobs. He kept asking me with forced whispers, “Why?” “Why, Kiki?” “Seobie’s birthday is tomorrow…” “I can’t tell Seobie… I can’t tell him…”
And I could not give him a response. I could only do what I do for him best and just be there. I kept myself calm and collected and optimistic for him, I wiped his tears as I held him, I spoke of only positive things. “You’re gonna be alright, Junhyung” I said countless times, until I myself could believe my own words.
I love this man and I’m tired of seeing him suffer like this.
But I find significant comfort in knowing that this time he’s going to be okay and sound, because he has that baby to keep him focused. That boy in his arms was who was going to keep him grounded and focused. He might not ever listen to a rational word I tell him, but Yoseob could shout a single command, and Junhyung snaps out of his stubborn trance and he’s on the right track.
…
…
I heard the chimes and peered up. Jun comes through the doors of the shop. The other employees greet him first, giving him their condolences and warmly embracing his body. They learned of Doojoon’s condition through me. They sweetly brought flowers and gifts for him and for Doojoon.
I softly approached Junhyung, offering a hand with the gifts he’d just received. We went into the break room together.
“Hey.”
Junhyung smiled at me, simply placing most of the gifts into his cubby, “Good morning.” He put the rest on the side table.
I didn’t want to ask him straight out about Doojoon, because I am a hundred percent sure he’s already on his mind, and he was already asked a thousand times.
“I already opened shop…” I said, and with uncertainty, because Junhyung’s never been late for work. And he was the boss. I didn’t have the proper permission…
“That was smart. Thanks.”
“…How did Seobie like his cupcakes yesterday?”
“He liked ‘em.”
“That’s good. I knew he would. They were adorable… Did he like his presents?”
“He loved ‘em from what I could tell. He really liked his shoes, though. I got him the light-up shoes he’s been wanting for forever. He wanted to wear them all over the house all night. Then, um, we made the chili that I promised for dinner, and I read to him… and that was pretty much his birthday,” Junhyung began tying his apron strings behind his back, “I wish it could’ve been a better one, but… you know…”
“How is he doing?” I asked, implying the current situation in my tone.
“Doojoon or Yoseob?”
“Seob.”
“Better than I thought he would be. He’s alright. I told him everything-well, not that he was in a coma, but, just about all that he needed to know-and he comforted me.”
I blinked at his words, “Wow. He did?”
“Yeah… ‘Don’t cry, umma’, ‘No crying’, ‘I love you, I love you’… He’s… He’s a real sweetheart.”
Junhyung was echoing the words I told Yoseob to tell him the day before… He listened to me.
It made me smile, “Yes he is… ”
“He’s all I got right now.”
“…You still have me, too.”
Junhyung smiled at me. One of his soft and sweet smiles that make me nervous.
“Yeah… I know. And thank you, again, for always being there for me and Yoseob.”
I tried a smile, but I probably just looked really stupid, “You’re welcome… A-And if you don’t mind me asking you, how is Doojoon doing?”
Junhyung huffed, rubbing the nape of his neck rather roughly, “He’s doing as good as he can do for someone in his position. Just… lying there… a machine helping him breathe… unconscious… still…”
A daze took over Junhyung. He was strangely focused on the floor of the room. He stopped talking, and drew into himself mentally.
“…………Junhyung-?”
“Let’s get to work,” Junhyung cut, walking out of the break room door.
He swiped his wrist over his right cheek before making his exit.
I sighed and followed my boss.
♥
(A/N: These “Day”s refer to the number of days Doojoon has been in a coma. On those days, Junhyung visits him and spends hours talking to him, so the following is Junhyung speaking to Doojoon.)
Day 9
They say that um, sometimes, people in comas can hear others speaking. Now I don’t know how that works, but, I’m gonna talk to you anyway… it seems normal enough.
Um… Well… What should I say……… well uh, I worked at the shop today. I had someone come in and order ten carrot cupcakes… and I thought about you. They were for an office party, but yeah, I still thought about you. I don’t know why you like them. I hate carrot cake. It’s disgusting to me, because why would you put carrot bits into a cake? But people like them, so I guess I’ll just keep making them. Though sometimes… it hurts to make them. Or see them being made. Or icing them. They are your favorite… They remind me of you.
I’m sorry that I stopped bringing them home as much. I’ll make as many as you want from now on. I promise you.
Speaking of the shop, work was okay today. Service was good. More people wanted coffees and drinks more than cupcakes, but that’s understandable… It’s cold out. They want something. Kikwang made most of them. He’s getting good.
I have to work at the bureau tomorrow. I really don’t want to go, but I need the money. I have to work every chance I get so I can pay the bills on time. I have two that will be late, but it’ll be alright. We’ll be alright, me and Seob… Somehow, we always are.
And also speaking of Seobie, he’s doing well. He could be a little better, but what more can you ask of a child who’s been ripped of one parent? I’ve been practicing with him for his play; he seems distracted at times.
Seobie really wants to come see you. I tell him that… that he can’t, and he keeps peeping, “Why, why, why,” and it hurts to do that to him because he’s really sad. He gives me all the cards that he’s made you so that I can take them to you… Kikwang brings him to his house from school after he gets off from work while I come here after work to see you. He doesn’t like staying at Kikwang’s house a lot, especially when he wants to come with me and see you. But… I don’t want him to see you like this. I don’t want him to start worrying or asking these horrible questions… like…
……He asked me yesterday if you were going to die in the hospital like your sister. I told him “absolutely not.” I don’t want him thinking like that. I don’t want him to be more distracted at school and I don’t want him to fall into a depression. I’m being happy for him and keeping him preoccupied with other things, but I see that he misses you greatly. And of course he would.
I saw him in your office yesterday. He usually goes there whenever he misses you while you’re away for one of those assignments overseas. This time it’s different, though. He stays there for a long time. Sometimes I make him leave after he’s in there for minutes at a time by distracting him with a game or something. I hope I’m doing the right things for him… Sometimes I think I’m a little too protective of him. You used to tell me that at times… I just don’t want him to hurt, but I know that he has to hurt and he’s going to be hurt throughout his life… That’s the only way he will learn the most important things. God I’m rambling…
He still says his little prayers for you at night, though. They are the sweetest things to hear. They’re precious; you could tell that they come from his heart. He prays about you to your sister, too. He asks her to watch over you. I try not to cry when he says them.
He’s shown to be clingier to me, like he was when he was a child. He doesn’t let me out of his sight. He tells me he loves me more often and he always wants to cuddle on the couch. He doesn’t want to be alone, and he told me this. I was startled, but I told him that he would never be alone. He never will be.
No matter what happens, Doojoon, I’ve got Seobie.
He won’t ever have to be alone.
Day 14
I’m just having a bad day. On some days, things are good, and then there are days like this where I just want to say fuck it all and fall out of the sky. You know how I get. Things are going great one day and the next I’m ready to snap someone’s neck. Well yeah, that’s how I feel right now. And what makes it even more frustrating is that I don’t know why I suddenly feel so angry. I can’t categorize these feelings, therefore I can’t rationalize why I am feeling them, and therefore I am just lost and forever angry.
I’m behind on bills again, but we’ll be alright. So long as I got Yoseob with me.
He’s been okay, too. He’s healthy, doing better… He wants to sleep with me on some days, but that’s normal. He still wants me to take him to see you… He begs me every morning. I tell him “no” and not to question me why, but he still does it. I still feel like I’m doing something wrong… I made him some cupcakes before I left work so that Kiki could take them to his house. I hope that that way, he sort of forgives me. Kiki’s great… He’s been taking good care of Yoseob for me while I come here. I try to give him some money but he always refuses, so sometimes I hide some in his house. He finds it, somehow, and gives it back to me. That man…
I’m so tired… and in all the ways. Kiki really helps me out a lot. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s really concerned about you, too. And no, not just because I am. He’s really hoping that you’ll get better. See? He’s not after your head all the time.
…I try to stop thinking about those people that stay in comas for years. It gets the best of me, and at the most random times. I spontaneously cried at the shop because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The emotions were overwhelming. I worried everyone; Kiki quickly took me into the break room and calmed me down. He was crying, too.
Joon.
I don’t… I don’t want to even imagine…
…
…
I… I don’t wanna imagine being without you again. It hurts, Doojoon. It… it hurt the whole time you were gone. Yoseob was hurting. I was hurting. I never had anything under control. It may have looked like I did, but I was a mess, and I knew it, but I couldn’t handle… I only-I don’t want to be without you. There is no one else. There never will be anyone else.
Only you can make me feel like this… like I’m weak and helpless. It used to drive me insane-it still does-but I knew that at the end of the day I would be warm and… wrapped in your arms and…… Baby, I just want your arms. I want a hug. When’s the last time you hugged me? Or held me?
Do you remember?
That’s sad, isn’t it? It’s sad that I can’t even remember the last time we’ve embraced, and it’s also sad that it had to be so long.
But things happened.
An’ I wished those things didn’t happen.
But.
…
But…
Day 19
Been thinking a lot lately. It’s bad when I start to think, because then my mind wanders and wanders, and often in the wrong and most depressing directions.
I forgive you, if you don’t already know.
Yeah…… I’ve forgiven you. And I’ve forgiven myself. That was the hardest to do.
I’ve forgiven myself for treating you the way I have. It was out of defense, but that’s another long and miserable story for a different day.
I never knew something could be this… this painful.
I’ve been fainting abnormally for a week. Seobie found me the last time I fainted. He ran to Kikwang’s house; Kikwang told me he was in hysterics. I believe he was, because amazingly I came to minutes after, and Seobie was crying over me and hugging me.
I never want to see him like that again.
Kikwang told me that I need to eat properly.
“He needs you. You have to keep yourself healthy for him!”…That’s what he said, and I cried because he was right. Kikwang has his own life. Yoseob only has me to care for him.
But I can’t eat properly knowing you’re still here. And lately I can’t sleep. I think about you compulsively, and you are in my dreams three nights out of seven. I wake up and I cry when I realize that you’re not next to me, but then I also have to be quiet because Yoseob’s sleeps next to me every night now. Then I ask myself if the last time we would ever kiss was going to be that day that I discovered you were cheating on me. I ask if that night we made love after arguing for over three hours about something we couldn’t even recall would be the last time I ever felt you hold and touch me so dearly. I ask myself if I would ever hear you say “Happy anniversary” to me, or see you smile, or tell me that you love me, or have you have Yoseob breathless with laughter again. And it just gets to be too much for me.
I would be happy with those “last times” if they were going to be indeed the last time. I don’t want them to be, though. The very thought of that……… It just makes me feel like I have to throw up.
Everybody keeps telling me that I’m strong. There’s not a single bone in my body that feels strong right now.
It’s hard, Doo. Every day it just gets harder and harder to bring myself up those stairs and into this room and look at you just lie there. What I would do to trade places with you… You don’t belong in here, Doojoon… You should be at home with Yoseob, helping him learn his lines and… and tickling and chasing him… and doing all the fun things while I’m just nagging away at him as usual.
And you should be at home with me…
So I can love you right.
And so I can tell you everything that I should’ve told you.
I am a mess…
Day 24
You know what I just realized? It’s really fucked up that it had to come to this.
It took you getting in a car crash and almost dying to realize how fucking lucky I am to have you.
I’m too stubborn. It’s the stubbornness that fucks me over every. fucking. time.
And yeah, I’m angry again if you can’t already tell. But this time, I know that I’m angry at myself.
I’m angry for being so fucking stupid and not realizing what I had. I had a man, for once. An actual man. Not a perfect one, but an actual man. A man who loved me. But my dumbass tried to change you into someone you weren’t. I couldn’t accept you doing what you loved. I chose money over love, and look at all the stupid, meaningless arguments we’ve had over just that one thing. Yoseob could’ve lived without hearing and witnessing all of those.
I fucked everything up. And look. Here I am, in this small-ass hospital room, telling you all the things that I should’ve told you while you were conscious. But now you’re not, and now I might never get to, so it fucking sucks.
I should’ve told you that I loved you from the start. I knew I loved you all along but I never had the balls to stop being a hard-ass psycho and say it to your face. I thought I was hurting you by not telling you what you wanted to hear. I was only hurting myself. My stupid, stupid, fucked-up-ass self. And now you’ll probably never know how I’ve felt.
And you will be gone.
And Yoseob will be gone.
And everyone will be gone.
And I’ll be all alone, just like I was before, waiting to throw myself into a street.
I knew this wouldn’t last.
Day 27
I was scared.
That’s what kept me from loving you. My cowardice. The fragments of my past. They are what’s kept me from seeing you with a different set of eyes. I’d been looking at everyone through the same eyes that people have hurt me with. And then I met you.
I couldn’t see how different you were from all of those other……… assholes. I thought you would be just like them.
So I was waiting for you to mess up. I was always watching and waiting; whenever you did manage to do something that did not please me, I jumped on you the second I got a chance to.
……Remember when I said that I acted like a bitch to you in defense?
I’ve always had to be in defense mode-attack mode, or… whatever you want to call it-‘cause whenever I allowed someone into my heart, they would end up… leaping out of it. And it happened time and time again. Yeah, it happens to everybody, but for me, it’s…… It doesn’t feel good, baby. But you weren’t trying to do that. I… I remember you begging me to loosen up to you. To warm up to you more, and be more open about what’s on my mind and why I did this or that…
I never listened; therefore, I never did those things with you.
That’s why you sought Dongwoon………
I wasn’t loving you… I wasn’t giving you what you needed. I wasn’t a good spouse.
Baby I just wasn’t good to you. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
‘Cause you were-
…
…
You are a good man. You loved me in spite of all of my crazy shit… an’ you held onto me for as long as you could before you resorted to Dongwoon. You got tired of how I was actin’, and… I can finally understand that.
You deserve someone who will love you, and I swear to God, Doojoon, I will love you each and every day once you’re outta here. I won’t stop.
That’s more than a promise.
You have to get better, baby.
You have to get better.
Doojoon please get better.
Please. Just get better. I want to love you so bad.
You need to know how much I love you…
…
………
‘C-Ca… ‘Cause I… I h…
I’ve always loved you, Joon.
Baby.
I will love you till the end of my days.
Next: The Three Cupcakes (8/?) Part Two