Cherries Are for the Bourgeoisie
Title: Cherries Are for the Bourgeoisie
Pairing(s): DooWoon (Some KiSeob)
Rating: PG-13+
Word Count: 4,256
Summary: There is no such thing as closure.
A/N: Continuation of “It’s Mister Steal Yo’ Girl.”
Previous: It's Mister Steal Yo' Girl
“Lunch iiiiissss served.”
It was a quiet, temperate, mid-afternoon day. Junsu, with him a tray of neatly-cut sandwiches, fruit, and tea, toted to the cocktail table the slab of pretty food he crafted. He set it in front of Dongwoon. Dongwoon’s eyes did not shift.
Junsu pinched a sandwich and practically inhaled it. He was already starting on his second one before the unusual, stale silence hit him in the face. Dongwoon hadn’t even started on his first. Junsu lowered the sandwich till the hand rested in his lap. His eyes meticulously observed his detached partner. He decided to set the sandwich back on the tray.
“Hey. Woon.”
Dongwoon swept his eyes up, first to the gauzed wound on Junsu’s temple, then, into the latter’s orbs of brown.
“You’re not hungry, baby? You didn’t want sandwiches?”
But everything looked so delicious. Junsu took his time with the preparation, and the aesthetics of the food reflected that. Rude, it would be, to refuse it all.
Dongwoon waited a moment. He sighed. He lazily selected a slice and nibbled. Junsu regarded the strange nibbling, but lately, everything Dongwoon did was strange. The way he talked, the way he looked at things, the dip in his lips, the lessened softness in his voice… Every muscle in his face just unflatteringly sank. This Woon was a different Woon. Not Junsu’s Woon, but a changed Woon, ever since that incident at the frozen yogurt shop.
And Junsu knew that. Time after time did he tell Dongwoon to just let it go, that what happened was all in the past, and that there was not a single thing he could do to snip, knit, and alter it. But no matter what he said or did, the luster in Dongwoon’s pupils would not return.
Because Dongwoon felt guilty. It was his fault that Junsu got hurt. Almost severely hurt. Hurt to the point where two of Junsu’s upper ribs suffered fractures and he nearly succumbed to a coma. It was his fault that Junsu had to stay in the hospital for a two full weeks. And it was his fault that he slept with Doojoon a month after being with Junsu. Thrice. Junsu didn’t know about that. Kikwang didn’t know. Not even Yoseob. Not even Hyunseung. And not even Doojoon’s new bitch. But Doojoon knew. Dongwoon knew.
Yeah. Dongwoon felt guilty. And fucking stupid.
Junsu’s hands gripped the tray, “I can make something else if you-”
“No. This is okay.”
Junsu’s hands gripped Dongwoon’s little wrists, “Tell me what’s going on with you…”
Dongwoon’s jaws moved stiffly while chewing. He was utterly disconnected. He chewed and chewed until the morsel in his mouth was a soupy mess swimming on the top of his tongue. That was precisely what his feelings were… a soupy mess. A soup of nerves full of feeling, severed at their ends-shaking wildly-and knowing not what to do with the raw expulsion of numerous emotions. He didn’t have the heart-well, no-he didn’t have the balls to tell Junsu that he cheated on him, and that he was the true reason why Doojoon attacked him.
Frankly, Dongwoon and Doojoon were going through a season when neither truly wanted to admit their purest emotions. The pair never had full closure. They never sat down with one another-in a civil form of fashion, at least-and discussed their feelings. Dongwoon never knew why his relationship with Doojoon failed, and Doojoon never consciously knew the reason why he chose to be unfaithful.
Only one fact remained concrete: They loved to fuck.
When Doojoon managed to find time away from work and his lover, he would randomly show up to Dongwoon’s doorstep and ring the bell. Ninety-five percent of the time, Dongwoon would not answer. And when Dongwoon would not answer, Doojoon would harass him tirelessly on the phone for hours. But that remaining five percent? When Dongwoon answered the door, Doojoon strode in like a battering wind. Dongwoon didn’t even try to resist. He became a gazelle, and Doojoon ate him raw, starting from the neck.
Dongwoon wanted to say that it was just sex-strictly sex, no emotional connection-but, for some reason, his heart couldn’t concur. He wouldn’t be feeling so torn between two men if he and Doojoon were simply “fucking around.” But they weren’t fucking around. The sex was intimate. Very intimate, very soft, very long. When their bodies came together to make sweet love-is that what is was? Love?-Dongwoon was not a “whiny whore” that destroyed Doojoon’s wardrobe, and Doojoon certainly was not an “insatiable slut” that cheated on a sensitive Dongwoon. Their unions were just as tender, honest and dear, as if it were their first time all over again. Something was tying their hearts into these thick, meaty knots. Something kept them coming back to one another. It was deeper, less superficial than sex. Dongwoon did not want to say it was love, because he loved Kim Junsu, the elementary school music teacher and long-lost childhood friend. He did not understand what it was, and whatever it was, he could not understand why he repeatedly allowed Doojoon inside of him after all the pikes of hell he dragged him nakedly through.
Perplexed wasn’t even the word to use to describe Son Dongwoon.
“It was not your fault…” murmured Junsu, and so sweetly. That was the problem. Junsu was too sweet. Too darling. Too good for Dongwoon. That’s what Dongwoon thought, ‘least.
Dongwoon swallowed. “I know… I’m just… I’m just so sorry. For everything.”
For everything.
“I’ve told you a million, jillion times that you do not have to apologize to me. You did nothing. This?” Junsu pointed to the bandage sucking his temple, “This did not happen because of you. That lowlife decided to do this. Not you. So stop saying sorry, babe… Alright?”
“Okay.”
“…Can you smile for me at least?” Junsu’s hands spider-walked up to tickle Dongwoon’s sensitive sides, “Smile for me?”
And tickle they did.
“Juuuuun…” A smile was brewing… A small, but adorable, youthful smile, largely thanks to Junsu’s wiggling fingers.
“Smile bigger.”
“Junnn quuuuiiiit…!”
“Smile bigger, or I’ll siiiing~”
Dongwoon’s cheeks surprisingly did not tear. They were soon a pair of grinning, peach-tinted fools. Junsu jumped on top of Dongwoon and administered the greatest tickle assault man had ever seen. It was great, and powerful, and it took them back to their sweet moments of grade school. But the innocence did not have a lengthy life. The tickling stopped, the laughing passed, and all that was left were two bodies, and four brown eyes. The atmosphere turned syrupy.
Junsu kissed Dongwoon on his cheek. He looked back to the one beneath him shortly before deciding to sew a second kiss on his lips.
“……I love you,” said Junsu, for the first time.
Dongwoon’s heart froze. His lips turned cold.
He imagined himself to be one-hundred percent honest with his feelings whenever he was going to utter those same three words back to the other man. That was not what he envisioned his first “I love you” moment with Kim Junsu to be like.
What should he do? Should he muster a smile and say it back? Should he kiss him, too?
Dongwoon jerked his lips into an acceptable smirk.
“I-” he began with a nervous start.
And there was a grumbling in Dongwoon’s back pocket. It was his cellphone. Dongwoon reached for it beneath him, but Junsu clasped his wrist still. He gave it a loving squeeze, and then lifted that same hand to stroke the lower firmness of Dongwoon’s jaw. Their gazes lingered; Dongwoon could not normally draw breath.
“You don’t gotta say it if you can’t yet, but that’s how I feel.”
And Junsu packed the rest of his feelings into his lips and delivered them tastily to Dongwoon’s. And he was laying it on thick.
Just like Doojoon.
---
Kikwang sucked his teeth over the phone, “I had to call you twice, Woon.”
“Sorryyy. I was busy.”
“Ah, with Junsuuu~?”
“Yes.”
Kiki snickered, “Anyway, you’re still coming, right?”
“Yeah, ‘course.”
“Still bringing the chips?”
“Mhm.”
“Better be.”
“That’s all you called me for? Chips?”
“Someone’s gotta bring ‘em, and that’s what you signed up for. And you’ve been canceling lately, so I just wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna cancel on us this time.”
“Well I’m not. I’ll be there, hyung.”
“Okaaay. Sorry to interrupt you~ We’ll see yooou.”
At the end of the conversation, Kikwang dropped his phone into one of the huge pockets of his lounging bottoms. It was heavy little device, so it kind of dragged the pants down more, exposing just a little more of his hips.
So why was Dongwoon bringing chips? Every Saturday night, Kikwang, Yoseob, Hyunseung and Dongwoon came together under one roof just for some companionship. For while, the younger of the four had been canceling on them, and for personal reasons that would later be addressed. To hear that he would actually be attending the intimate gathering excited them all.
Kikwang traveled to the kitchen, where Yoseob was in the midst of making his famous Jell-O fruit cocktail bowl.
“Woonie’s still coming?”
“Yup.”
“Yaaay~” Yoseob worked his elbow, stirring the heavy mixed fruit with the largest spoon ever, “Now I’ll have someone else to help me eat all this.”
“No one told you to make that much.”
“Maybe if you’d eat some it’ll go quicker.”
“But Jell-O is weird.”
“Just hush, Kiki.”
Kikwang picked a blueberry from the mix and dropped it onto his tongue. Yoseob smacked his back with the spoon.
“Stop doing that!” he pouted, “If you want some, all you have to do is ask.”
The shortest of the short two started again with his stirring when Kikwang dropped his chin on his left shoulder, then wrapped his soft, defined arms around Seobie’s entire, little frame.
“May I have another berry, Seobie~?” Kiki rumbled, making the one in front of him warm in every place.
Yoseob blushed… He scanned his colorful bowl of mixed fruits, eyed the bluest, plumpest berry, and pinched it. He held it before the plumpest lips.
“Here.”
Kikwang ate it out of his fingers, swallowed it down, then he nestled a gentle kiss on the side of Yoseob’s pasty face. And he did it again and again. Yoseob, giggling, was as pink as the bowl of fruit. He and Kiki had been dating officially for approximately two weeks’ time. Though they flirted throughout the last two years, they officially became lovers on a date Cupid Jang orchestrated. They were a happy pair. The happiest pair. Seobie was Kiki’s baby, and now, he’d proudly let anyone know in a minute.
Hyunseung swirled around the corner, walking in on the couple’s cuddling. It made him smile.
“Is Dongwoon coming over?”
Yoseob fed Kikwang a third blueberry, “Yup.”
Woonie made it to the gathering after the fruit cocktail was completed. Kiki, Seobie and Seungie welcomed him in zealously. Dongwoon was not feeling so zealous. Pieces of his mind were in various places at various times: with Doojoon on the couch, in the bed, in the hallway, and with Junsu earlier that afternoon. So when discussions came up, when the others around him laughed, gossiped, and ate away, Dongwoon stayed all to himself.
That was a wrong move.
Kikwang swatted Dongwoon on his knee, “Hey.”
It caused Dongwoon to flinch, “What?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Yeah. What’s wrong, Woonie?” chimed Yoseob, looking particularly at Dongwoon’s untouched bowl of fruit cocktail. He’d been watching the boy keenly the very moment he stepped over the threshold. He knew something was the matter with the youngest, but he did not feel that it was his place to force him into talking if he blatantly did not want to talk. Kikwang didn’t feel the same, however. Dongwoon sighed.
“Something happen with Junsu?” questioned Hyunseung with an arch in his brows.
Dongwoon siiighed. “I don’t feel like talking about it right now.”
Kikwang’s arms folded.
“You might as well do it now. We’re all here; we’re not gonna have you poutin’ all night. And if it’s about you and Junsu, we wanna know. Is everything alright?”
“Everything’s good.”
Kikwang narrowed his eyes into feline slits.
“………I smell a fucking rat. Did Doojoon’s ass do something?”
The younger held onto silence as long as he could before Kiki’s short-fused patience burned out. By his friend’s body language, he instantly knew Yoon Doojoon was the rotten root of Woonie’s current demeanor.
“What the fuck did he do now, Woon?” he pressed, concerned and slightly heated.
Dongwoon played with his fingers.
“……It’s not what he did.”
There was a long pause, one in which Kiki’s brows formed very many waves, “Soooo, what happened?”
Dongwoon met the eyes of all three of his hyungs. And the tears poured like oil. He told them everything. His hyungs all surrounded him, pelting him with questions: “Woon… how did this happen!?” “He didn’t force you did he?” “That’s why he was so angry? That’s why he beat up Junsu?”
“Woonie, you really need to tell him,” Yoseob pushed, moving some of Dongwoon’s fallen, wavy locks behind his pink ear.
“He’ll leave me.”
“No he won’t. Don’t say that, Woon. It’ll be alright. The last time it happened was a while ago, yeah?” Hyunseung pet Dongwoon’s head with sincere, hyung affection, “You’ll be alright. Things will work out.”
“You just need to tell him,” suggested an empathetic Kikwang, “Don’t wait a second more.”
The rest of their evening was spent giving Dongwoon the strength to do so that night.
---
Dongwoon-parked outside of Junsu’s home-sat in his car for a moment… He was experiencing dizziness. Lightheadedness. The guilt was starting to get the best of him.
There was no backing out. He had to go through with it. He’d already called Junsu and told him he had something to share with him. Dongwoon was going to have to march right in there and tell Junsu-man-to-man-what happened between him and the man that nearly put him to sleep.
But he was so scared… How would Junsu react to being told that he slept with Doojoon while they were a couple? He was going to find out one way or the other. He just hoped to God he wouldn’t lose him.
Dongwoon opened his car door, pushed it all the way back, and placed one foot on the concrete… He sighed. He exited his vehicle, and kicked the car door closed behind him.
And brusquely
Someone snatched his right wrist. Someone yanked him, forcing him to turn on his heels. Dongwoon didn’t have time to mentally counter, to collect himself, to react. He took a breath to scream, but someone’s dry palm cut him off.
Dongwoon peered up, up into the lemon-shaped eyes of Yoon Doojoon. Big mistake.
Doojoon removed his hand. Dongwoon exhaled; the next thing he inhaled was a kiss. He instantly surrendered. It was heavy and hot and Dongwoon fell in love with the familiar, wet lips. Doojoon picked Dongwoon off the ground like an easy weed, literally dropped him on top of the hood of the car, and pushed him back until his upper body was spread across the hood’s metal. Doojoon fell on top of him, and buried his lips in the deepest crook of Dongwoon’s elegant neck, drawing in the latter’s savor-worthy scent. The younger’s frame started quaking; he brought his right leg up to keep his balance, gasping. The warmth was too great. The lips were too great. He became the gazelle. That hopeless thing.
And it soon occurred to him where he was physically.
Dongwoon pushed against Doojoon’s chest. Their lips snapped apart. Dongwoon couldn’t breathe hard enough.
“Doojoon!”
Doojoon licked his lips.
“What?”
“What the fuck!?”
“What?”
“What are you doing here!?”
“I’m here for you,” countered Doojoon quite coolly. Dongwoon felt his hand caressing his thigh. He squirmed.
“Why!?”
“I don’t know why I do what I do anymore. Life’s simpler that way. But there is one thing I do know, and I’m just gonna tell you straight up,” the cold back of Doojoon’s hand stroked Dongwoon’s hot cheek, “I don’t want anyone else to have you. I’ll fuck him up again if I have to, but I’m not giving you up to that square.”
“Why should it matter? We’re not together anymore.”
“Are we?”
Dongwoon squirmed with more vigor in his movement, “……Get off of me-”
“I haven’t seen you in a while… Come home with me.”
“Get off me, Doojoon.”
“Come on.”
“Doojoon if you don’t get off I’m going to scream.”
“And what? You’re gonna wake him up? Is that your plan? You’re gonna finally tell him how much of an actual slut you really are?”
Dongwoon’s eyebrows twisted bemusedly. He was obviously offended, and on the offense.
“If anybody’s the slut, it’s you.”
“But I don’t act all high and mighty.”
“I don’t act ‘high and mighty.’”
“Bullfuckingshit. You were always on that high-ass pedestal, always acting like you were better than me. And now look. You’re just as fucked up as I am.”
That was it. Woonie was mad, now. Angry Woonie.
“Doojoon I fucking mean it get the fuck off of me or I will lay you out on this fucking concrete.”
Doojoon was just grinning. He wasn’t taking Dongwoon seriously. He’d never taken very much seriously, anyway. This was an ensuing argument between two little, hormonal boys.
“I’m not playing with you. This is not a goddamn game, Joon.”
“All you have to do is come home with me. It’s that simple, Dongwoon.”
“So you can fuck me, right?”
“You never had a problem with it before.”
“But I… I can’t do this anymore. Not to him. He doesn’t deserve this.”
“………And?”
“And you’ve got someone else. Fuck him, and leave me alone.”
“But I like fucking you, and that’s not what you want. Is it?”
Dongwoon rolled his eyes. Sadly, he was correct. And within a minute Dongwoon transitioned from angry to utterly confused and frustrated and beyond flustered. Doojoon was a master manipulator, and Dongwoon fell time after time again for his same old tricks. But he did not know what to believe now. It was too much.
“Just leave me alone, Doojoon. Please. Stop doing this… stop confusing me…”
“But I don’t want to leave you alone,” Doojoon admitted, and in all seriousness, “I feel like I can’t.”
“But I can’t keep doing this to him…”
“I don’t want to give you up.”
“Then you shouldn’t have done what you did!”
“I don’t know why I did what I did but all I know is that I love you and I can’t stop thinking about you and I constantly want you and I’m losing my fucking mind without you. I have to see you.”
Dongwoon closed his eyes, as if to keep himself from peering into the hypnotic, black swirls in the whites of Doojoon’s eyes. “Doojoon, stop it… let me go… please…”
“Woon.”
“Leeeave.”
“Baby-”
“You mind telling me what the hell you’re doing?” a voice struck.
Dongwoon and Doojoon’s heads looked to the north. Junsu was standing on the curb. His stance indicated he’d been there for a while. The question truly was how long he had been witnessing the scene before the entire, quiet street. Doojoon calmly rose off of Dongwoon, and backed up from the latter’s vehicle. He approached the other, distant male, fearless.
“You’re really gonna talk shit with that bandage on your head?” questioned Doojoon.
“I’ll speak to you however I want.”
“Keep runnin’ your fuckin’ mouth like that and I’ll send your ass right back in that bed for a month this time.”
Dongwoon jumbled off of the car. He rushed toward his stiffened, hard-faced Junsu. Junsu really wanted to give it to him. His fist was shaking. Dongwoon held it…
“Junsu, go inside. You don’t need to be out here.”
Junsu’s hardness gave way to a look of pure misunderstanding when his eyes redirected themselves onto Dongwoon.
“Why were you kissing him? Why was he on top of you like that?” he whispered.
Dongwoon’s heart fell, and fell, and fell.
“Junsu…”
“You want me to tell him for you?” Doojoon barged in, simpering.
Dongwoon’s temperature shot up, “Doojoon, shut up.”
“Tell me what?” Junsu asked, first to Doojoon, and then he focused again on Dongwoon, “Tell me what, Woon?”
“………” Dongwoon’s temperature dropped. It felt like he was about to collapse into bloody pieces. Bloody, crying pieces. A wall of tears hit him. Because this was the end of everything.
The beginning of everything, and the end of everything. Junsu would never forgive him. He would never look at his innocent, big-nosed, childhood friend Woonie never again never.
Dongwoon began to snivel. It was Kiki’s house all over again.
“Babe… Don’t cry. Woonie… Tell me what?” pleaded Junsu, holding his lover firmly, wishing that would keep him emotionally compact. It had some effect… Dongwoon’s head slowly rose, and their eyes melded in a fragile gaze.
“Me and Doojoon… we’ve…” Dongwoon couldn’t say the final part, but Junsu understood by the clues and personal shame in his eyes, and by his body language, “.........three times.”
“What?”
“……..”
“This is true?”
“I’m sorry, I’m s-sorry…”
Of course, Junsu wasn’t getting the whole story, but he definitely didn’t want to ask for it with Doojoon closely present.
“S’alright… Come on,” Junsu turned them both away from Doojoon and towards their little home, “Let’s go inside. We’ll talk inside.”
And of course Doojoon wasn’t going to let them trot away without hearing his three or four cents. He was bewildered. Who in their sane mind would take back a cheater?
“He just told you that he messed around on you with me three times, and you’re gonna stay with him?”
Junsu ignored him-
“That’s okay. I’ll be fuckin’ him on your couch in a few weeks.”
-but at that comment, Junsu had heard enough.
“You have thirty seconds to get out of here, or I’m callin’ the police,” Junsu shot back, cradling Dongwoon in his left arm, sheltering him in his inner chest.
“Just wait,” announced Doojoon, retreating to the darkness of the night, echoing, “Just wait.”
The couple entered their home. Junsu sat them both down on their couch, his left hand stroking Dongwoon’s back, the right trying to bring the latter into a close huddle. But Dongwoon wouldn’t budge. His head remained down.
“Woonie, baby, look please,” Junsu muttered, trying to wipe the other’s tears away with his sleeve, “Stop crying. You’re not hurt, are you? Did he do anything?”
Dongwoon denied any physical harm.
“Okay. Then everything’s alright…”
“No it’s not. I ch…”
“You what?”
“I cheated!”
“I take it that that’s what you wanted to talk to me about?”
A “yes” nod.
“Is that why you were feeling guilty with me earlier? And… before that?”
Another “yes” nod.
“I’m sorry, Junsu… I never wanted to do you like this. I never meant to. I was confused…” That was his seventh apology in that same minute. Junsu could smell the guilt wafting off his torn love.
“Are you still confused?”
Dongwoon thought about it… “A little, but I know that I want to be with you, and that I’m not in love with Doojoon. And I’m not. I’m not… I knew I shouldn’t’ve let him in… I knew I shouldn’t have done what I did. I always felt horrible afterwards. I was turning into Doojoon… I know how it feels to have someone you loved loving someone else, and I thought about you, and I… but I kept… I couldn’t…”
“You couldn’t tell me after…?”
Dongwoon’s head swayed, “I didn’t want you to leave…”
“‘Leave?’ Like leave the relationship?”
“…………yeah.”
Junsu chuckled, apparently humored, “I didn’t tease you all those years for nothing.”
Dongwoon looked up…
“You and Doojoon were last together two months ago, right? We were into our first month then. I can… partially understand how it all happened, and why you would be confused. Woon. I know you’re not perfect, dear. I don’t expect you to be perfect… part of me wants to say that this is my fault, because I feel that I kind of rushed you into this relationship just after you got out of that relationship with Doojoon. Everything was… kind of moving fast. I was just so excited to see you again. I wanted to be with you as soon as you would allow me to… I understand. I totally understand. But, and from now on, I want us to have an open, honest relationship. If there’s anything you want to tell me, don’t be afraid. I won’t think any differently of you,” Junsu picked Dongwoon’s head up further, “I won’t… I forgive you, an’ I still love you.”
Junsu, grinning, tapped the tip of Dongwoon’s nose.
……Dongwoon allowed a smile to takeover, and more smiles formed when Junsu made promise after promise to him. He would never manipulate his heart. He would never make him feel second-best. He would never dismiss his feelings, or make him cry over trivial things. Junsu was the real deal, and Dongwoon was a lucky boy.
Maybe it would be different this time.
Maybe he could have a relationship like his hyungs.
Maybe he could keep Doojoon away from his legs and out of his life.
But knowing Doojoon…
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
For Bea and Runi. ♥
Pairing(s): DooWoon (Some KiSeob)
Rating: PG-13+
Word Count: 4,256
Summary: There is no such thing as closure.
A/N: Continuation of “It’s Mister Steal Yo’ Girl.”
Previous: It's Mister Steal Yo' Girl
“Lunch iiiiissss served.”
It was a quiet, temperate, mid-afternoon day. Junsu, with him a tray of neatly-cut sandwiches, fruit, and tea, toted to the cocktail table the slab of pretty food he crafted. He set it in front of Dongwoon. Dongwoon’s eyes did not shift.
Junsu pinched a sandwich and practically inhaled it. He was already starting on his second one before the unusual, stale silence hit him in the face. Dongwoon hadn’t even started on his first. Junsu lowered the sandwich till the hand rested in his lap. His eyes meticulously observed his detached partner. He decided to set the sandwich back on the tray.
“Hey. Woon.”
Dongwoon swept his eyes up, first to the gauzed wound on Junsu’s temple, then, into the latter’s orbs of brown.
“You’re not hungry, baby? You didn’t want sandwiches?”
But everything looked so delicious. Junsu took his time with the preparation, and the aesthetics of the food reflected that. Rude, it would be, to refuse it all.
Dongwoon waited a moment. He sighed. He lazily selected a slice and nibbled. Junsu regarded the strange nibbling, but lately, everything Dongwoon did was strange. The way he talked, the way he looked at things, the dip in his lips, the lessened softness in his voice… Every muscle in his face just unflatteringly sank. This Woon was a different Woon. Not Junsu’s Woon, but a changed Woon, ever since that incident at the frozen yogurt shop.
And Junsu knew that. Time after time did he tell Dongwoon to just let it go, that what happened was all in the past, and that there was not a single thing he could do to snip, knit, and alter it. But no matter what he said or did, the luster in Dongwoon’s pupils would not return.
Because Dongwoon felt guilty. It was his fault that Junsu got hurt. Almost severely hurt. Hurt to the point where two of Junsu’s upper ribs suffered fractures and he nearly succumbed to a coma. It was his fault that Junsu had to stay in the hospital for a two full weeks. And it was his fault that he slept with Doojoon a month after being with Junsu. Thrice. Junsu didn’t know about that. Kikwang didn’t know. Not even Yoseob. Not even Hyunseung. And not even Doojoon’s new bitch. But Doojoon knew. Dongwoon knew.
Yeah. Dongwoon felt guilty. And fucking stupid.
Junsu’s hands gripped the tray, “I can make something else if you-”
“No. This is okay.”
Junsu’s hands gripped Dongwoon’s little wrists, “Tell me what’s going on with you…”
Dongwoon’s jaws moved stiffly while chewing. He was utterly disconnected. He chewed and chewed until the morsel in his mouth was a soupy mess swimming on the top of his tongue. That was precisely what his feelings were… a soupy mess. A soup of nerves full of feeling, severed at their ends-shaking wildly-and knowing not what to do with the raw expulsion of numerous emotions. He didn’t have the heart-well, no-he didn’t have the balls to tell Junsu that he cheated on him, and that he was the true reason why Doojoon attacked him.
Frankly, Dongwoon and Doojoon were going through a season when neither truly wanted to admit their purest emotions. The pair never had full closure. They never sat down with one another-in a civil form of fashion, at least-and discussed their feelings. Dongwoon never knew why his relationship with Doojoon failed, and Doojoon never consciously knew the reason why he chose to be unfaithful.
Only one fact remained concrete: They loved to fuck.
When Doojoon managed to find time away from work and his lover, he would randomly show up to Dongwoon’s doorstep and ring the bell. Ninety-five percent of the time, Dongwoon would not answer. And when Dongwoon would not answer, Doojoon would harass him tirelessly on the phone for hours. But that remaining five percent? When Dongwoon answered the door, Doojoon strode in like a battering wind. Dongwoon didn’t even try to resist. He became a gazelle, and Doojoon ate him raw, starting from the neck.
Dongwoon wanted to say that it was just sex-strictly sex, no emotional connection-but, for some reason, his heart couldn’t concur. He wouldn’t be feeling so torn between two men if he and Doojoon were simply “fucking around.” But they weren’t fucking around. The sex was intimate. Very intimate, very soft, very long. When their bodies came together to make sweet love-is that what is was? Love?-Dongwoon was not a “whiny whore” that destroyed Doojoon’s wardrobe, and Doojoon certainly was not an “insatiable slut” that cheated on a sensitive Dongwoon. Their unions were just as tender, honest and dear, as if it were their first time all over again. Something was tying their hearts into these thick, meaty knots. Something kept them coming back to one another. It was deeper, less superficial than sex. Dongwoon did not want to say it was love, because he loved Kim Junsu, the elementary school music teacher and long-lost childhood friend. He did not understand what it was, and whatever it was, he could not understand why he repeatedly allowed Doojoon inside of him after all the pikes of hell he dragged him nakedly through.
Perplexed wasn’t even the word to use to describe Son Dongwoon.
“It was not your fault…” murmured Junsu, and so sweetly. That was the problem. Junsu was too sweet. Too darling. Too good for Dongwoon. That’s what Dongwoon thought, ‘least.
Dongwoon swallowed. “I know… I’m just… I’m just so sorry. For everything.”
For everything.
“I’ve told you a million, jillion times that you do not have to apologize to me. You did nothing. This?” Junsu pointed to the bandage sucking his temple, “This did not happen because of you. That lowlife decided to do this. Not you. So stop saying sorry, babe… Alright?”
“Okay.”
“…Can you smile for me at least?” Junsu’s hands spider-walked up to tickle Dongwoon’s sensitive sides, “Smile for me?”
And tickle they did.
“Juuuuun…” A smile was brewing… A small, but adorable, youthful smile, largely thanks to Junsu’s wiggling fingers.
“Smile bigger.”
“Junnn quuuuiiiit…!”
“Smile bigger, or I’ll siiiing~”
Dongwoon’s cheeks surprisingly did not tear. They were soon a pair of grinning, peach-tinted fools. Junsu jumped on top of Dongwoon and administered the greatest tickle assault man had ever seen. It was great, and powerful, and it took them back to their sweet moments of grade school. But the innocence did not have a lengthy life. The tickling stopped, the laughing passed, and all that was left were two bodies, and four brown eyes. The atmosphere turned syrupy.
Junsu kissed Dongwoon on his cheek. He looked back to the one beneath him shortly before deciding to sew a second kiss on his lips.
“……I love you,” said Junsu, for the first time.
Dongwoon’s heart froze. His lips turned cold.
He imagined himself to be one-hundred percent honest with his feelings whenever he was going to utter those same three words back to the other man. That was not what he envisioned his first “I love you” moment with Kim Junsu to be like.
What should he do? Should he muster a smile and say it back? Should he kiss him, too?
Dongwoon jerked his lips into an acceptable smirk.
“I-” he began with a nervous start.
And there was a grumbling in Dongwoon’s back pocket. It was his cellphone. Dongwoon reached for it beneath him, but Junsu clasped his wrist still. He gave it a loving squeeze, and then lifted that same hand to stroke the lower firmness of Dongwoon’s jaw. Their gazes lingered; Dongwoon could not normally draw breath.
“You don’t gotta say it if you can’t yet, but that’s how I feel.”
And Junsu packed the rest of his feelings into his lips and delivered them tastily to Dongwoon’s. And he was laying it on thick.
Just like Doojoon.
---
Kikwang sucked his teeth over the phone, “I had to call you twice, Woon.”
“Sorryyy. I was busy.”
“Ah, with Junsuuu~?”
“Yes.”
Kiki snickered, “Anyway, you’re still coming, right?”
“Yeah, ‘course.”
“Still bringing the chips?”
“Mhm.”
“Better be.”
“That’s all you called me for? Chips?”
“Someone’s gotta bring ‘em, and that’s what you signed up for. And you’ve been canceling lately, so I just wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna cancel on us this time.”
“Well I’m not. I’ll be there, hyung.”
“Okaaay. Sorry to interrupt you~ We’ll see yooou.”
At the end of the conversation, Kikwang dropped his phone into one of the huge pockets of his lounging bottoms. It was heavy little device, so it kind of dragged the pants down more, exposing just a little more of his hips.
So why was Dongwoon bringing chips? Every Saturday night, Kikwang, Yoseob, Hyunseung and Dongwoon came together under one roof just for some companionship. For while, the younger of the four had been canceling on them, and for personal reasons that would later be addressed. To hear that he would actually be attending the intimate gathering excited them all.
Kikwang traveled to the kitchen, where Yoseob was in the midst of making his famous Jell-O fruit cocktail bowl.
“Woonie’s still coming?”
“Yup.”
“Yaaay~” Yoseob worked his elbow, stirring the heavy mixed fruit with the largest spoon ever, “Now I’ll have someone else to help me eat all this.”
“No one told you to make that much.”
“Maybe if you’d eat some it’ll go quicker.”
“But Jell-O is weird.”
“Just hush, Kiki.”
Kikwang picked a blueberry from the mix and dropped it onto his tongue. Yoseob smacked his back with the spoon.
“Stop doing that!” he pouted, “If you want some, all you have to do is ask.”
The shortest of the short two started again with his stirring when Kikwang dropped his chin on his left shoulder, then wrapped his soft, defined arms around Seobie’s entire, little frame.
“May I have another berry, Seobie~?” Kiki rumbled, making the one in front of him warm in every place.
Yoseob blushed… He scanned his colorful bowl of mixed fruits, eyed the bluest, plumpest berry, and pinched it. He held it before the plumpest lips.
“Here.”
Kikwang ate it out of his fingers, swallowed it down, then he nestled a gentle kiss on the side of Yoseob’s pasty face. And he did it again and again. Yoseob, giggling, was as pink as the bowl of fruit. He and Kiki had been dating officially for approximately two weeks’ time. Though they flirted throughout the last two years, they officially became lovers on a date Cupid Jang orchestrated. They were a happy pair. The happiest pair. Seobie was Kiki’s baby, and now, he’d proudly let anyone know in a minute.
Hyunseung swirled around the corner, walking in on the couple’s cuddling. It made him smile.
“Is Dongwoon coming over?”
Yoseob fed Kikwang a third blueberry, “Yup.”
Woonie made it to the gathering after the fruit cocktail was completed. Kiki, Seobie and Seungie welcomed him in zealously. Dongwoon was not feeling so zealous. Pieces of his mind were in various places at various times: with Doojoon on the couch, in the bed, in the hallway, and with Junsu earlier that afternoon. So when discussions came up, when the others around him laughed, gossiped, and ate away, Dongwoon stayed all to himself.
That was a wrong move.
Kikwang swatted Dongwoon on his knee, “Hey.”
It caused Dongwoon to flinch, “What?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Yeah. What’s wrong, Woonie?” chimed Yoseob, looking particularly at Dongwoon’s untouched bowl of fruit cocktail. He’d been watching the boy keenly the very moment he stepped over the threshold. He knew something was the matter with the youngest, but he did not feel that it was his place to force him into talking if he blatantly did not want to talk. Kikwang didn’t feel the same, however. Dongwoon sighed.
“Something happen with Junsu?” questioned Hyunseung with an arch in his brows.
Dongwoon siiighed. “I don’t feel like talking about it right now.”
Kikwang’s arms folded.
“You might as well do it now. We’re all here; we’re not gonna have you poutin’ all night. And if it’s about you and Junsu, we wanna know. Is everything alright?”
“Everything’s good.”
Kikwang narrowed his eyes into feline slits.
“………I smell a fucking rat. Did Doojoon’s ass do something?”
The younger held onto silence as long as he could before Kiki’s short-fused patience burned out. By his friend’s body language, he instantly knew Yoon Doojoon was the rotten root of Woonie’s current demeanor.
“What the fuck did he do now, Woon?” he pressed, concerned and slightly heated.
Dongwoon played with his fingers.
“……It’s not what he did.”
There was a long pause, one in which Kiki’s brows formed very many waves, “Soooo, what happened?”
Dongwoon met the eyes of all three of his hyungs. And the tears poured like oil. He told them everything. His hyungs all surrounded him, pelting him with questions: “Woon… how did this happen!?” “He didn’t force you did he?” “That’s why he was so angry? That’s why he beat up Junsu?”
“Woonie, you really need to tell him,” Yoseob pushed, moving some of Dongwoon’s fallen, wavy locks behind his pink ear.
“He’ll leave me.”
“No he won’t. Don’t say that, Woon. It’ll be alright. The last time it happened was a while ago, yeah?” Hyunseung pet Dongwoon’s head with sincere, hyung affection, “You’ll be alright. Things will work out.”
“You just need to tell him,” suggested an empathetic Kikwang, “Don’t wait a second more.”
The rest of their evening was spent giving Dongwoon the strength to do so that night.
---
Dongwoon-parked outside of Junsu’s home-sat in his car for a moment… He was experiencing dizziness. Lightheadedness. The guilt was starting to get the best of him.
There was no backing out. He had to go through with it. He’d already called Junsu and told him he had something to share with him. Dongwoon was going to have to march right in there and tell Junsu-man-to-man-what happened between him and the man that nearly put him to sleep.
But he was so scared… How would Junsu react to being told that he slept with Doojoon while they were a couple? He was going to find out one way or the other. He just hoped to God he wouldn’t lose him.
Dongwoon opened his car door, pushed it all the way back, and placed one foot on the concrete… He sighed. He exited his vehicle, and kicked the car door closed behind him.
And brusquely
Someone snatched his right wrist. Someone yanked him, forcing him to turn on his heels. Dongwoon didn’t have time to mentally counter, to collect himself, to react. He took a breath to scream, but someone’s dry palm cut him off.
Dongwoon peered up, up into the lemon-shaped eyes of Yoon Doojoon. Big mistake.
Doojoon removed his hand. Dongwoon exhaled; the next thing he inhaled was a kiss. He instantly surrendered. It was heavy and hot and Dongwoon fell in love with the familiar, wet lips. Doojoon picked Dongwoon off the ground like an easy weed, literally dropped him on top of the hood of the car, and pushed him back until his upper body was spread across the hood’s metal. Doojoon fell on top of him, and buried his lips in the deepest crook of Dongwoon’s elegant neck, drawing in the latter’s savor-worthy scent. The younger’s frame started quaking; he brought his right leg up to keep his balance, gasping. The warmth was too great. The lips were too great. He became the gazelle. That hopeless thing.
And it soon occurred to him where he was physically.
Dongwoon pushed against Doojoon’s chest. Their lips snapped apart. Dongwoon couldn’t breathe hard enough.
“Doojoon!”
Doojoon licked his lips.
“What?”
“What the fuck!?”
“What?”
“What are you doing here!?”
“I’m here for you,” countered Doojoon quite coolly. Dongwoon felt his hand caressing his thigh. He squirmed.
“Why!?”
“I don’t know why I do what I do anymore. Life’s simpler that way. But there is one thing I do know, and I’m just gonna tell you straight up,” the cold back of Doojoon’s hand stroked Dongwoon’s hot cheek, “I don’t want anyone else to have you. I’ll fuck him up again if I have to, but I’m not giving you up to that square.”
“Why should it matter? We’re not together anymore.”
“Are we?”
Dongwoon squirmed with more vigor in his movement, “……Get off of me-”
“I haven’t seen you in a while… Come home with me.”
“Get off me, Doojoon.”
“Come on.”
“Doojoon if you don’t get off I’m going to scream.”
“And what? You’re gonna wake him up? Is that your plan? You’re gonna finally tell him how much of an actual slut you really are?”
Dongwoon’s eyebrows twisted bemusedly. He was obviously offended, and on the offense.
“If anybody’s the slut, it’s you.”
“But I don’t act all high and mighty.”
“I don’t act ‘high and mighty.’”
“Bullfuckingshit. You were always on that high-ass pedestal, always acting like you were better than me. And now look. You’re just as fucked up as I am.”
That was it. Woonie was mad, now. Angry Woonie.
“Doojoon I fucking mean it get the fuck off of me or I will lay you out on this fucking concrete.”
Doojoon was just grinning. He wasn’t taking Dongwoon seriously. He’d never taken very much seriously, anyway. This was an ensuing argument between two little, hormonal boys.
“I’m not playing with you. This is not a goddamn game, Joon.”
“All you have to do is come home with me. It’s that simple, Dongwoon.”
“So you can fuck me, right?”
“You never had a problem with it before.”
“But I… I can’t do this anymore. Not to him. He doesn’t deserve this.”
“………And?”
“And you’ve got someone else. Fuck him, and leave me alone.”
“But I like fucking you, and that’s not what you want. Is it?”
Dongwoon rolled his eyes. Sadly, he was correct. And within a minute Dongwoon transitioned from angry to utterly confused and frustrated and beyond flustered. Doojoon was a master manipulator, and Dongwoon fell time after time again for his same old tricks. But he did not know what to believe now. It was too much.
“Just leave me alone, Doojoon. Please. Stop doing this… stop confusing me…”
“But I don’t want to leave you alone,” Doojoon admitted, and in all seriousness, “I feel like I can’t.”
“But I can’t keep doing this to him…”
“I don’t want to give you up.”
“Then you shouldn’t have done what you did!”
“I don’t know why I did what I did but all I know is that I love you and I can’t stop thinking about you and I constantly want you and I’m losing my fucking mind without you. I have to see you.”
Dongwoon closed his eyes, as if to keep himself from peering into the hypnotic, black swirls in the whites of Doojoon’s eyes. “Doojoon, stop it… let me go… please…”
“Woon.”
“Leeeave.”
“Baby-”
“You mind telling me what the hell you’re doing?” a voice struck.
Dongwoon and Doojoon’s heads looked to the north. Junsu was standing on the curb. His stance indicated he’d been there for a while. The question truly was how long he had been witnessing the scene before the entire, quiet street. Doojoon calmly rose off of Dongwoon, and backed up from the latter’s vehicle. He approached the other, distant male, fearless.
“You’re really gonna talk shit with that bandage on your head?” questioned Doojoon.
“I’ll speak to you however I want.”
“Keep runnin’ your fuckin’ mouth like that and I’ll send your ass right back in that bed for a month this time.”
Dongwoon jumbled off of the car. He rushed toward his stiffened, hard-faced Junsu. Junsu really wanted to give it to him. His fist was shaking. Dongwoon held it…
“Junsu, go inside. You don’t need to be out here.”
Junsu’s hardness gave way to a look of pure misunderstanding when his eyes redirected themselves onto Dongwoon.
“Why were you kissing him? Why was he on top of you like that?” he whispered.
Dongwoon’s heart fell, and fell, and fell.
“Junsu…”
“You want me to tell him for you?” Doojoon barged in, simpering.
Dongwoon’s temperature shot up, “Doojoon, shut up.”
“Tell me what?” Junsu asked, first to Doojoon, and then he focused again on Dongwoon, “Tell me what, Woon?”
“………” Dongwoon’s temperature dropped. It felt like he was about to collapse into bloody pieces. Bloody, crying pieces. A wall of tears hit him. Because this was the end of everything.
The beginning of everything, and the end of everything. Junsu would never forgive him. He would never look at his innocent, big-nosed, childhood friend Woonie never again never.
Dongwoon began to snivel. It was Kiki’s house all over again.
“Babe… Don’t cry. Woonie… Tell me what?” pleaded Junsu, holding his lover firmly, wishing that would keep him emotionally compact. It had some effect… Dongwoon’s head slowly rose, and their eyes melded in a fragile gaze.
“Me and Doojoon… we’ve…” Dongwoon couldn’t say the final part, but Junsu understood by the clues and personal shame in his eyes, and by his body language, “.........three times.”
“What?”
“……..”
“This is true?”
“I’m sorry, I’m s-sorry…”
Of course, Junsu wasn’t getting the whole story, but he definitely didn’t want to ask for it with Doojoon closely present.
“S’alright… Come on,” Junsu turned them both away from Doojoon and towards their little home, “Let’s go inside. We’ll talk inside.”
And of course Doojoon wasn’t going to let them trot away without hearing his three or four cents. He was bewildered. Who in their sane mind would take back a cheater?
“He just told you that he messed around on you with me three times, and you’re gonna stay with him?”
Junsu ignored him-
“That’s okay. I’ll be fuckin’ him on your couch in a few weeks.”
-but at that comment, Junsu had heard enough.
“You have thirty seconds to get out of here, or I’m callin’ the police,” Junsu shot back, cradling Dongwoon in his left arm, sheltering him in his inner chest.
“Just wait,” announced Doojoon, retreating to the darkness of the night, echoing, “Just wait.”
The couple entered their home. Junsu sat them both down on their couch, his left hand stroking Dongwoon’s back, the right trying to bring the latter into a close huddle. But Dongwoon wouldn’t budge. His head remained down.
“Woonie, baby, look please,” Junsu muttered, trying to wipe the other’s tears away with his sleeve, “Stop crying. You’re not hurt, are you? Did he do anything?”
Dongwoon denied any physical harm.
“Okay. Then everything’s alright…”
“No it’s not. I ch…”
“You what?”
“I cheated!”
“I take it that that’s what you wanted to talk to me about?”
A “yes” nod.
“Is that why you were feeling guilty with me earlier? And… before that?”
Another “yes” nod.
“I’m sorry, Junsu… I never wanted to do you like this. I never meant to. I was confused…” That was his seventh apology in that same minute. Junsu could smell the guilt wafting off his torn love.
“Are you still confused?”
Dongwoon thought about it… “A little, but I know that I want to be with you, and that I’m not in love with Doojoon. And I’m not. I’m not… I knew I shouldn’t’ve let him in… I knew I shouldn’t have done what I did. I always felt horrible afterwards. I was turning into Doojoon… I know how it feels to have someone you loved loving someone else, and I thought about you, and I… but I kept… I couldn’t…”
“You couldn’t tell me after…?”
Dongwoon’s head swayed, “I didn’t want you to leave…”
“‘Leave?’ Like leave the relationship?”
“…………yeah.”
Junsu chuckled, apparently humored, “I didn’t tease you all those years for nothing.”
Dongwoon looked up…
“You and Doojoon were last together two months ago, right? We were into our first month then. I can… partially understand how it all happened, and why you would be confused. Woon. I know you’re not perfect, dear. I don’t expect you to be perfect… part of me wants to say that this is my fault, because I feel that I kind of rushed you into this relationship just after you got out of that relationship with Doojoon. Everything was… kind of moving fast. I was just so excited to see you again. I wanted to be with you as soon as you would allow me to… I understand. I totally understand. But, and from now on, I want us to have an open, honest relationship. If there’s anything you want to tell me, don’t be afraid. I won’t think any differently of you,” Junsu picked Dongwoon’s head up further, “I won’t… I forgive you, an’ I still love you.”
Junsu, grinning, tapped the tip of Dongwoon’s nose.
……Dongwoon allowed a smile to takeover, and more smiles formed when Junsu made promise after promise to him. He would never manipulate his heart. He would never make him feel second-best. He would never dismiss his feelings, or make him cry over trivial things. Junsu was the real deal, and Dongwoon was a lucky boy.
Maybe it would be different this time.
Maybe he could have a relationship like his hyungs.
Maybe he could keep Doojoon away from his legs and out of his life.
But knowing Doojoon…
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
For Bea and Runi. ♥