(no subject)
Kai sat alone and stared out of the window wondering when his boyfriend Aoi would arrive home. He was dressed casually but smart enough for the fancy restaurant Aoi planned on taking him for dinner. Aoi was late and though Kai knew it wasn’t his fault it made him feel lonely. He hated feeling lonely. It always reminded him of his past. Back when he had always been lonely. Before he met Aoi who took the loneliness away….
It was the day of his sixth birthday. His parents had died only three months ago in a tragic accident in which he hadn’t learnt the details to until he had been much older. All he knew was his family was dead and though he was surrounded by other children in the orphanage he was completely alone.
There had been no celebration. Nobody had realised it was his special day. He hadn’t been there long and had barely said a word since he’d been there. He only sat in silence. Sometimes he joined in the activities, sometimes he didn’t. The other children had given up trying to be his friend. How could they play with him when he wouldn’t speak?
That day Kai had sat in the corner drawing. He only had a red crayon as he didn’t want to bother the other children asking if they could pass him the others. He drew a picture of a dog and then a horse. He drew himself on the horse and then screwed up the picture. The animals might be friends but not him. He was alone. So he drew that. Himself and nothing else. Nothing at all.
His eyes spotted a black bird and he drew a fence into the picture and the bird upon it. In his head the bird represented death. He longed to die, to fly away to his parents in heaven. Why wasn’t the bird taking him? Why couldn’t he go too? Maybe the bird wasn’t strong enough? Yeah, that was it. And so Kai drew a second bird. Then because he was six he drew four more. Six birds, but they were only pictures and the real one had flown away. Depressed, Kai got up and went to sit in a corner staring jealously at the other children in the orphanage who had overcome their loss and were able to smile and have fun. He’d never be like that. He’d never be able to overcome his parents’ deaths. Not ever.
His birthday had been noticed a few weeks later but by then Kai didn’t care. He had accepted his presents but the party was meaningless to him. What was the point of celebrating something that had already passed?
A few months later he had come to the orphanage. Aoi. With his raven black hair. Like Kai he didn’t smile. He spoke but only to insult others. He wanted to be left alone as much as Kai. Maybe more because secretly Kai only wanted somebody who could understand him and in his heart he knew Aoi was the one. Aoi would understand because Aoi was suffering too. Kai longed to talk to Aoi but he was scared. Aoi only abused those who tried to get close and talking was something Kai was forgetting how to do.
And so he communicated through his pictures. Once again he drew the bird he called ‘death’ and gave it to Aoi who stared at it for a moment.
“What is this?” Aoi demanded. “Why would I want your stupid picture?”
“Because it’s a picture of death. One day I hope he comes for me so I can join my parents.” Kai replied getting looks from the other kids. He had never said so much since he’d arrived here.
“Do you think when he comes for you he’ll take me too?” Aoi asked.
“I don’t know. I’ll ask him when he comes.” Kai responded and, satisfied with that answer, Aoi offered Kai some of the chocolate he had in his pocket. And so they became friends and together they slowly began to overcome their grief.
A few years later Kai was taken into foster care and later adopted. He’d lost his best friend but they still wrote to each other, neither wanting to forget the one who had helped them so much.
They had met again when Kai was seventeen. He had grown up to be a good looking boy. Friendly and trustworthy. Nobody would have ever thought he had once refused to speak. Aoi too had changed. His attitude had all but vanished and he wasn’t angry anymore. The most surprising change off all was Aoi’s revelation that he was now gay. Despite the changes the two remained friends and despite the distance of their homes were able to see each other semi frequently.
Then one day, a year or so later, Aoi turned up with a guy who he introduced as his boyfriend. It filled Kai with something he hadn’t truly felt since he saw the other children laughing when he could not. Jealousy.
Of course he carried on as if nothing was wrong but when he was home he couldn’t understand the feelings. Why was he jealous of Aoi’s boyfriend? He wasn’t gay. Nor had he ever been jealous of one of Aoi’s friends before. Why then did the thought of the two being together make him so sad? Why did it make him feel so alone?
Eventually Kai had to accept the truth. He wanted Aoi as more than a friend. He wanted to kiss him, hold him, make love to him. He’d never be able to truly accept that Aoi loved a man who wasn’t him. Aoi wasn’t the only one who preferred men to women. He did too. Kai could only watch Aoi’s relationships from the sideline. Too scared to make his move. What if confessing his love destroyed their friendship?
Then came his 22nd birthday. They were both drunk and single and Kai had finally made his move and learnt the reason behind all of Aoi’s break-ups. He was in love with Kai and no matter how hard he tried to be with somebody else it never worked. Aoi’s love was the best present he had ever received, except maybe the puppy he was given when he was nine.
Still together, this birthday marked not only his 27th year but the fifth year of their relationship. Yet here he was alone staring out of the window nostalgically whilst the love of his life battled the rush hour traffic to get home from work. Not for the first time Kai wondered how his parents would feel about his sexuality. Once again he couldn’t answer. He could barely remember them in all honesty. They were just shadowy figures who had once meant everything to him.
A black bird perched on his garden fence and Kai froze in fear as the bird was the same species as the one he had named ‘death’ all those years ago. The bird turned and looked at him and shaking Kai began to panic. What if Aoi had died in a car crash? Why else would ‘death’ be here. Had death finally answered his childhood prayers and come to take him to his parents? If it had a cruel sense of irony as right now Kai wanted nothing more than to live.
Telling himself he was being silly Kai tried to shake of his irrational fear. The bird was not death. Its presence meant nothing. Still, where was Aoi? Surely he’d be here by now?
‘Maybe I should call him.’ Kai worried just as there came a knock on the door. Half expecting it to be the police coming to tell him of a tragic accident Kai opened the door. A smile took over his face as he flung himself at his lover and friend and kissed him frantically. Before pulling away embarrassed of how he had let his emotions overcome him so badly.
“If that’s what I get for being late I’ll do it more often.” Aoi teased.
“No!” Kai snapped. “I thought you were dead!”
“What, why?” Aoi asked rightfully confused.
“Death came to visit me.” Kai replied.
“Death or a bird?” Aoi asked.
“A bird.” Kai admitted making Aoi laugh.
“Silly.” Aoi teased tapping Kai’s nose playfully. “No bird is going to take you away from me.”
“Promise?” Kai asked.
“I promise.” Aoi replied. “Nothing can take you away from me. Fate gave me you when I needed you most and I’ll never forget it.”
“Maybe the bird isn’t death.” Kai admittedly. “Maybe it’s a sign of something else.”
“Something else?” Aoi asked and Kai nodded.
“Yes. When I feel lonely they always appear to tell me my raven haired prince is on his way.” Kai responded happily.
“So no more fear of birds?” Aoi asked.
“No more.” Kai confirmed, wrapping an arm around Aoi’s waist and leaning his head on the older man. “From now on they’ll only remind me that I’m not alone. I have you.”