Thoughts in my head
If you are not in the mood for a semi depressing rant, I am going to cut this for you. You don't have to read it if you don't want to, I am not looking for sympathy, but if you wish to offer it I am not going to refuse it either. You have been warned, only because I love you guys.
I came to a realization today as I was on my way home from work that the more that I know what love is NOT, the more I come to know that I have never experienced true love. Sure, I love my friends and treat them as they were my own family. I had my innocent love when I met Jessica over a half of a lifetime ago. I thought that I loved a few people but that was never returned and my mother never recovered from her fear that I was the worst man on the planet to really love me. My dad loved me but the lawsuit kept us apart and my Uncle and I loved each other but he wasn't blood related and had a worthless family to support.
What I mean by never experiencing love is the unbridled, earth/universe changing love that one finds. That one that you know is right, no matter the situation. Every situation that I have been in has been expressed by a caveat in one form or another by someone else. Matt, I love you but I can't LOVE you or Matt, you are just too perfect to love or the one that is has been an amusing and annoying favorite, I can't love you, you are just Matt!.
All of this was sparked on the last night of my co-worker and the party extension after he left with his girlfriend. We ran into some friends of another co-worker and hung out with them for a while. They were very nice people, I am sure I would enjoy hanging out with them but I experienced something I find more and more frustrating recently, the "empty lust". You know the one, the Oh my god, she touched my hand! I have to follow her around like a puppy so she can touch me again!. Replace touching my hand with kissing me and that was pretty much what I was going through.
I know what you are thinking, Matt, she kissed you! Yeah, she kissed everyone. Sure, I was a stranger, but she was also drinking and went home with Jesse AKA Sven, the bartender at one of our local breweries. She was friendly, I would like to be friends but I chide myself for thinking there was more, even remotely... I even displaced it to try and blame others for it if it came up, but I have to look at myself for expressing the mental hope.
I know love exists, I am open to it. I am not trying to be extra dark or morbid here, I am just hitting upon something I think that people should know and that I should express. Everyone WANTS me to find LOVE, but I don't even have a clue what that is anymore. I thought I did at a time, I really did. Now, not so much...
Many tell me NOT to look for it and it will come to you. Others tell me I have to be ever vigilant and pounce on it like a mighty thrusting warrior of love! I can't even find my own left foot when it comes to this subject, everyone has a different view that I analyze and always get it wrong in one way or another. No experience here, I guess... I feel like I am trying to write a resume and the only thing I can put on there for past love experience is that I have been breathing for 31 years and I love oxygen.
Anyway, those are my thoughts, just something I had to get out there. Another thing I have to get out here that I think everyone should at least consider is, should I continue with my blog? Again, not looking for sympathy or votes ala Survivor or American Idol, but my pay tenure is up soon and I am thinking of re-upping it, but I wanted to get feedback to see if you all wanted me to continue with my jaded ramblings, as it were... heh
Right, enough of this. An enemy of mine told me that no one wants to hear you express your mind, they only want to know that you are happy no matter what. So I am going to go out and find the happy in a pint and some good company, try to get this recent job scare out of my head and see if I have enough to make it to work tomorrow. Thanks for putting up with the ramblings and mind purging.
I came to a realization today as I was on my way home from work that the more that I know what love is NOT, the more I come to know that I have never experienced true love. Sure, I love my friends and treat them as they were my own family. I had my innocent love when I met Jessica over a half of a lifetime ago. I thought that I loved a few people but that was never returned and my mother never recovered from her fear that I was the worst man on the planet to really love me. My dad loved me but the lawsuit kept us apart and my Uncle and I loved each other but he wasn't blood related and had a worthless family to support.
What I mean by never experiencing love is the unbridled, earth/universe changing love that one finds. That one that you know is right, no matter the situation. Every situation that I have been in has been expressed by a caveat in one form or another by someone else. Matt, I love you but I can't LOVE you or Matt, you are just too perfect to love or the one that is has been an amusing and annoying favorite, I can't love you, you are just Matt!.
All of this was sparked on the last night of my co-worker and the party extension after he left with his girlfriend. We ran into some friends of another co-worker and hung out with them for a while. They were very nice people, I am sure I would enjoy hanging out with them but I experienced something I find more and more frustrating recently, the "empty lust". You know the one, the Oh my god, she touched my hand! I have to follow her around like a puppy so she can touch me again!. Replace touching my hand with kissing me and that was pretty much what I was going through.
I know what you are thinking, Matt, she kissed you! Yeah, she kissed everyone. Sure, I was a stranger, but she was also drinking and went home with Jesse AKA Sven, the bartender at one of our local breweries. She was friendly, I would like to be friends but I chide myself for thinking there was more, even remotely... I even displaced it to try and blame others for it if it came up, but I have to look at myself for expressing the mental hope.
I know love exists, I am open to it. I am not trying to be extra dark or morbid here, I am just hitting upon something I think that people should know and that I should express. Everyone WANTS me to find LOVE, but I don't even have a clue what that is anymore. I thought I did at a time, I really did. Now, not so much...
Many tell me NOT to look for it and it will come to you. Others tell me I have to be ever vigilant and pounce on it like a mighty thrusting warrior of love! I can't even find my own left foot when it comes to this subject, everyone has a different view that I analyze and always get it wrong in one way or another. No experience here, I guess... I feel like I am trying to write a resume and the only thing I can put on there for past love experience is that I have been breathing for 31 years and I love oxygen.
Anyway, those are my thoughts, just something I had to get out there. Another thing I have to get out here that I think everyone should at least consider is, should I continue with my blog? Again, not looking for sympathy or votes ala Survivor or American Idol, but my pay tenure is up soon and I am thinking of re-upping it, but I wanted to get feedback to see if you all wanted me to continue with my jaded ramblings, as it were... heh
Right, enough of this. An enemy of mine told me that no one wants to hear you express your mind, they only want to know that you are happy no matter what. So I am going to go out and find the happy in a pint and some good company, try to get this recent job scare out of my head and see if I have enough to make it to work tomorrow. Thanks for putting up with the ramblings and mind purging.