(no subject)
My weekend's been a bit nutso to say the least. I don't actually know where to begin...
So on Thursday David and I went out just as friends - I was going to comedy fest anyway so we talked about having dinner, then him coming to some shows with me, which was all great - except that the entire time I felt like I had to hold back, because touching him, holding his hand, whatever, seems so natural that it's quite hard to restrain myself from, say, kissing him... all the fucking time.
So that went well - until we started drinking.... And then I kind of gave up the charade, and slowly, somehow, ended up walking hand in hand with him down swanston street, and going home with him.
Fail. I mean wow - WIN for that night, but really, really, fail, because I happened to be aware of the fact David was going on a date with someone else on Friday night. bleh. To my comedy festival and everything.
so we hung out all day Friday, were cute and cuddly and then we went our seperate ways - me feeling fucking miserable knowing I'd just A)had such a beautiful day and now he was going out with another girl, what?! and B)I'd just helped him choose his outfit.
My life is weird.
So anyway. They were going to comedy fest at Town Hall, Chamali and I were going to see shows at Trades, I was pretty safe - until we came back to go to the festival club, but found it didn't start for another hour - so we went to the Peter Cook to have a drink. And he was there. This I did not become aware of until AFTER I'd bought a drink.
I don't think I've ever felt so uncomfortable/sick in my life. And so I downed my drink as fast as humanly possible and left- but we stopped outside to chat to Justin, and of course, he walked out and waved awkwardly and I gave him, apparently, the 'saddest look in the world' No Shit.
I spoke to him the next day and though we'd said we wouldn't talk about it, I asked if he'd gone home with her. He had. I told him I couldn't do this any more, that I couldn't pretend not to have feelings for him, That I didn't think we could just be friends, that seeing him with someone else fucking hurt like a fist and I couldn't go through that again.
I should mention at this point that I too had a date, of sorts, planned for Sunday night - he kept saying how that was going to tear him up aswell, and that this wasn't a one-sided thing. My whole argument being - but it IS because if you said 'don't go' I wouldn't go. If you said you wanted me, I would call it all off right now.
but he can't, and he didn't, because he wants us to just be friends, because he really, really likes me - but he would rather have me as a best friend than a partner, because he feels we'll inevitably end in heartbreak (What an optimist?) and then he won't have me as a friend any more.
I fucking hate that way of thinking, it annoys the hell out of me - oh I won't take a risk on something awesome because it MIGHT not work out.. blah.
I worked on Saturday, running on 3 hours sleep, I was tired, and sad, and when I spoke to him and Asked him if he'd gone home with her (because I'd rather know than assume) he said he had. I was hurt, but at the same time, I'd assumed the same, so I kind of just took it, we talked, though I was somewhat sullen. Then I was speaking to Jess and she asked me if I'd seen 'that thing on Facebook'. Instantly I knew what it was going to be - that Andrew (the first one) had changed his status to engaged. And sure enough, that's what it was. I think something broke in my brain for a few minutes there, I hyperventilated, cried, felt sick... Then I sat back and thought about all of the things I would've missed out on, all of the people I wouldn't have met, the things I wouldn't have done and seen. And I was just kinda happy for him. He got his heart broken, and I really hope that this works out in his favour. Sure, it makes me sad, but I don't know if being with him was going to be the right thing either, in fact, I'm sure with our entire lack of communication, it always would've ended really badly. still doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell to hear that someone else had moved into my shoes so fast. Especially coming from a guy that didn't want to get married AT ALL when we met.
Anyway. so that was blah. and then I went on OKCupid to see that Andy2 (stupid fuck) had been reading my profile - which led me to read HIS profile (while logged out, couldn't let him think I gave a shit.) and realise all over again what an utter wankstain he is. Seriously. Why did I ever, EVER go there? I just don't even GET IT!
(http://www.okcupid.com/profile/andyt5 if your curiosity is peaked. blergh. someone should probably tell him he REALLY doesn't photograph well - and jesus I just looked again and not only has he updated it to sound like even more of a sleazy cunt, but he's now using a photo that used to have ME in it. wanker. I feel dirty that my hat is being displayed in such a manner. and my hand. ick. perhaps I should report it)
"I was in a relationship until recently and am now single and looking to set up my own friends base as I realized all the people I had met since I got here I lost in the pre-nup (funny eh?)" ER - That's because they were MY friends, and you CHEATED ON ME, you fucking COCK!
" have had 5 physical partners. One of which got pregnant but it didn't stick, so my one and only child never got past the first month of gestation. I miss it." - I wasn't ever made aware of this, yet he posts it on an online profile? jesus fucking christ! what the helllllll?
ARGH. not looking at THAT shit any more. BLAH
Where was I? OH, so Saturday my day FUCKING sucked, just quietly - I then went out Saturday night to see Mark Watson and Adam Rozenbachs, self esteem on the fritz, but surrounded by awesome girls, I had a pretty good night dulled only by moments of sadness.
David was messaging me as fairly normal - was at his parents and thinking of coming out to drink with me, us both saying it's a bad idea, and then I realised how fucking miserable that was making me, so I told him I thought we shouldn't see each other for a while, because I couldn't really handle just being friends with him - that I can't just turn the feelings off. And that he should get back to me when he'd had his fun.
He said 'take what time you need, but I'd like you in my life in whatever capacity you can give. You're the closest friend I have right now and I'd like to hang onto that (don't know if that's sweet or creepy or charming or just a bit sad!)'
Which. after all the shit, I replied to with 'ugh. fucking hell. goodnight david' then drank some more, went and giggled at Jason Byrne on pain killers, and went back to Chamali's for sleep.
I woke at midday, ate some coco pops and hot crossies, watched 2 eps of the boosh, started drifting back to sleep so went back to bed til 4, when I woke and jumped on msn on my phone. Of course David was there - so I said Hi, we talked. Mainly about how I couldn't just be his friend, and he was upset that I felt it was just ME suffering, and what about him because he really liked me too - I told him that it felt one-sided because he has the ability to FIX the situation, whereas I do not. He was feeling weird/miserable about my plans for the night (which I am not going to disclose here, but they are of a sexual nature :P), but we said we'd talk soon, and for some reason decided to have breakfast together (very. very weird is my life)
So THAT happened - we got breakfast (I was 2 hours later than I said I'd be, oopsie) He was somewhat sad-sackish, but we pushed through, had great breakfast, then decided to drive down to my place (because I wanted to show it to him) and he was happy to catch the train home later.
We spent the day in the sun on the gazebo, then watching some DVDs, and then I started driving him to the station - we'd had a vague discussion of me driving him ALL the way home (an hour each way) and quite frankly I didn't really want to say goodbye to him yet, so we decided to have dinner, and then I'd drive him home.
We went to a great restaurant in Frankston (I know, seems unlikely, but TRUE!) where we satisfied our pizza craving - had great conversation, and then went for a walk down the pier chatting and stargazing (it was all very romantic, but for me not being able to touch him) then I drove him all the way to the city... and He suggested we get coffee - so there went another hour (it was about 9:30-10 by this point) we talked about stuff, we were really honest with each other... it was good - I dropped him off and left it with 'don't worry about breaking my heart, just think about what's best for you.' sort of. I think. We were both really happy, actually, with how the day had gone - And then I drove home, and jumped on MSN, and we talked for another hour (it's just getting ridiculous at this point)
So anyway. that was all ok - I had suggested we could pretend we hadn't slept together and just date/be friends for a while, take things slow, see how we go. But to me that means being exclusive, so blah. I don't know. I'm so confused. I am also fast losing interest in writing about all of this.
On Tuesday night we were in the midst of a serious conversation when we were interrupted by his housemate (ex-gf. ergh) getting home, so he went to bed and called me - we talked for an hour and he got really quiet and weird toward the end of the call - I asked if he was ok and he said he was, then said goodnight and hung up... He then texted me saying 'I don't want to get into a heavy situation after being in one since I was 15. It's the dumb thing to do and I feel terrible having my head and heart out of sync but I miss you. I'm being irrational and I can't talk about it but I feel like I'm dividing into two people. Deep huh?'
argh. I replied with something about how I did understand, and I'm sorry that I'm making it harder by not being able to let him go, but that I miss him too and it's hard.
blah. seriously. it's all so fucking confusing I don't even know what we're doing half the time. We talked yesterday and I said I wished it wasn't all so painful and confusing - and he said 'don't be pained. I just sulk before sleeping, I'm actually really happy and I hope you are too.' to which I replied that I'm really not happy, and that I've kind of put my love-life on hold hoping he'll come to his senses and feel a bit stupid for doing so.
He then twittered at me - blah blah blah - about how i broke his meeting by sending that message - I texted him later saying 'how did I break your meeting?' and he said 'just by telling me for the first time that you're not happy. Frustrated isn't the same as unhappy.' and I said 'yeah true. but one often leads to the other' and he said 'I'm trying really fucking hard to work out my head. I promise. Give me a week please before getting sadder, ok?'
I said that was ok, or whatever, at least I have a time-frame now. anyway. more happened, it's all a bit wanky, I have no idea what's going on, but anyway. keeping people up to date with my random life - and keeping this to remind myself in future, I guess.
ANYWAY. in other news - CRAZY weekend coming up - I fly to Adelaide for Jules and Immy's wedding on Friday night - the wedding is on Saturday, then I go straight from the reception to the airport to go to sydney for SUPERNATURAL CON! WOO! The excitement has really only hit me about that today, I don't know why - but it's seemed like a distant, back of the mind thing, but now I'm REALLY psyched, and so happy that I've decided to go, as I was umming and Ahhing for a while there due to the fact that it's omgsomuchmoneyyyy *flail* And I get to see Trillion again!! I'm so excited! WOO! I think I'm going to be half-dead by monday! woo!
i'm flying 3 different airlines in 3 days, hehe. should I write a review of each, I wonder?
My head is all over the place today, so I'm gonna go. Ciao!
So on Thursday David and I went out just as friends - I was going to comedy fest anyway so we talked about having dinner, then him coming to some shows with me, which was all great - except that the entire time I felt like I had to hold back, because touching him, holding his hand, whatever, seems so natural that it's quite hard to restrain myself from, say, kissing him... all the fucking time.
So that went well - until we started drinking.... And then I kind of gave up the charade, and slowly, somehow, ended up walking hand in hand with him down swanston street, and going home with him.
Fail. I mean wow - WIN for that night, but really, really, fail, because I happened to be aware of the fact David was going on a date with someone else on Friday night. bleh. To my comedy festival and everything.
so we hung out all day Friday, were cute and cuddly and then we went our seperate ways - me feeling fucking miserable knowing I'd just A)had such a beautiful day and now he was going out with another girl, what?! and B)I'd just helped him choose his outfit.
My life is weird.
So anyway. They were going to comedy fest at Town Hall, Chamali and I were going to see shows at Trades, I was pretty safe - until we came back to go to the festival club, but found it didn't start for another hour - so we went to the Peter Cook to have a drink. And he was there. This I did not become aware of until AFTER I'd bought a drink.
I don't think I've ever felt so uncomfortable/sick in my life. And so I downed my drink as fast as humanly possible and left- but we stopped outside to chat to Justin, and of course, he walked out and waved awkwardly and I gave him, apparently, the 'saddest look in the world' No Shit.
I spoke to him the next day and though we'd said we wouldn't talk about it, I asked if he'd gone home with her. He had. I told him I couldn't do this any more, that I couldn't pretend not to have feelings for him, That I didn't think we could just be friends, that seeing him with someone else fucking hurt like a fist and I couldn't go through that again.
I should mention at this point that I too had a date, of sorts, planned for Sunday night - he kept saying how that was going to tear him up aswell, and that this wasn't a one-sided thing. My whole argument being - but it IS because if you said 'don't go' I wouldn't go. If you said you wanted me, I would call it all off right now.
but he can't, and he didn't, because he wants us to just be friends, because he really, really likes me - but he would rather have me as a best friend than a partner, because he feels we'll inevitably end in heartbreak (What an optimist?) and then he won't have me as a friend any more.
I fucking hate that way of thinking, it annoys the hell out of me - oh I won't take a risk on something awesome because it MIGHT not work out.. blah.
I worked on Saturday, running on 3 hours sleep, I was tired, and sad, and when I spoke to him and Asked him if he'd gone home with her (because I'd rather know than assume) he said he had. I was hurt, but at the same time, I'd assumed the same, so I kind of just took it, we talked, though I was somewhat sullen. Then I was speaking to Jess and she asked me if I'd seen 'that thing on Facebook'. Instantly I knew what it was going to be - that Andrew (the first one) had changed his status to engaged. And sure enough, that's what it was. I think something broke in my brain for a few minutes there, I hyperventilated, cried, felt sick... Then I sat back and thought about all of the things I would've missed out on, all of the people I wouldn't have met, the things I wouldn't have done and seen. And I was just kinda happy for him. He got his heart broken, and I really hope that this works out in his favour. Sure, it makes me sad, but I don't know if being with him was going to be the right thing either, in fact, I'm sure with our entire lack of communication, it always would've ended really badly. still doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell to hear that someone else had moved into my shoes so fast. Especially coming from a guy that didn't want to get married AT ALL when we met.
Anyway. so that was blah. and then I went on OKCupid to see that Andy2 (stupid fuck) had been reading my profile - which led me to read HIS profile (while logged out, couldn't let him think I gave a shit.) and realise all over again what an utter wankstain he is. Seriously. Why did I ever, EVER go there? I just don't even GET IT!
(http://www.okcupid.com/profile/andyt5 if your curiosity is peaked. blergh. someone should probably tell him he REALLY doesn't photograph well - and jesus I just looked again and not only has he updated it to sound like even more of a sleazy cunt, but he's now using a photo that used to have ME in it. wanker. I feel dirty that my hat is being displayed in such a manner. and my hand. ick. perhaps I should report it)
"I was in a relationship until recently and am now single and looking to set up my own friends base as I realized all the people I had met since I got here I lost in the pre-nup (funny eh?)" ER - That's because they were MY friends, and you CHEATED ON ME, you fucking COCK!
" have had 5 physical partners. One of which got pregnant but it didn't stick, so my one and only child never got past the first month of gestation. I miss it." - I wasn't ever made aware of this, yet he posts it on an online profile? jesus fucking christ! what the helllllll?
ARGH. not looking at THAT shit any more. BLAH
Where was I? OH, so Saturday my day FUCKING sucked, just quietly - I then went out Saturday night to see Mark Watson and Adam Rozenbachs, self esteem on the fritz, but surrounded by awesome girls, I had a pretty good night dulled only by moments of sadness.
David was messaging me as fairly normal - was at his parents and thinking of coming out to drink with me, us both saying it's a bad idea, and then I realised how fucking miserable that was making me, so I told him I thought we shouldn't see each other for a while, because I couldn't really handle just being friends with him - that I can't just turn the feelings off. And that he should get back to me when he'd had his fun.
He said 'take what time you need, but I'd like you in my life in whatever capacity you can give. You're the closest friend I have right now and I'd like to hang onto that (don't know if that's sweet or creepy or charming or just a bit sad!)'
Which. after all the shit, I replied to with 'ugh. fucking hell. goodnight david' then drank some more, went and giggled at Jason Byrne on pain killers, and went back to Chamali's for sleep.
I woke at midday, ate some coco pops and hot crossies, watched 2 eps of the boosh, started drifting back to sleep so went back to bed til 4, when I woke and jumped on msn on my phone. Of course David was there - so I said Hi, we talked. Mainly about how I couldn't just be his friend, and he was upset that I felt it was just ME suffering, and what about him because he really liked me too - I told him that it felt one-sided because he has the ability to FIX the situation, whereas I do not. He was feeling weird/miserable about my plans for the night (which I am not going to disclose here, but they are of a sexual nature :P), but we said we'd talk soon, and for some reason decided to have breakfast together (very. very weird is my life)
So THAT happened - we got breakfast (I was 2 hours later than I said I'd be, oopsie) He was somewhat sad-sackish, but we pushed through, had great breakfast, then decided to drive down to my place (because I wanted to show it to him) and he was happy to catch the train home later.
We spent the day in the sun on the gazebo, then watching some DVDs, and then I started driving him to the station - we'd had a vague discussion of me driving him ALL the way home (an hour each way) and quite frankly I didn't really want to say goodbye to him yet, so we decided to have dinner, and then I'd drive him home.
We went to a great restaurant in Frankston (I know, seems unlikely, but TRUE!) where we satisfied our pizza craving - had great conversation, and then went for a walk down the pier chatting and stargazing (it was all very romantic, but for me not being able to touch him) then I drove him all the way to the city... and He suggested we get coffee - so there went another hour (it was about 9:30-10 by this point) we talked about stuff, we were really honest with each other... it was good - I dropped him off and left it with 'don't worry about breaking my heart, just think about what's best for you.' sort of. I think. We were both really happy, actually, with how the day had gone - And then I drove home, and jumped on MSN, and we talked for another hour (it's just getting ridiculous at this point)
So anyway. that was all ok - I had suggested we could pretend we hadn't slept together and just date/be friends for a while, take things slow, see how we go. But to me that means being exclusive, so blah. I don't know. I'm so confused. I am also fast losing interest in writing about all of this.
On Tuesday night we were in the midst of a serious conversation when we were interrupted by his housemate (ex-gf. ergh) getting home, so he went to bed and called me - we talked for an hour and he got really quiet and weird toward the end of the call - I asked if he was ok and he said he was, then said goodnight and hung up... He then texted me saying 'I don't want to get into a heavy situation after being in one since I was 15. It's the dumb thing to do and I feel terrible having my head and heart out of sync but I miss you. I'm being irrational and I can't talk about it but I feel like I'm dividing into two people. Deep huh?'
argh. I replied with something about how I did understand, and I'm sorry that I'm making it harder by not being able to let him go, but that I miss him too and it's hard.
blah. seriously. it's all so fucking confusing I don't even know what we're doing half the time. We talked yesterday and I said I wished it wasn't all so painful and confusing - and he said 'don't be pained. I just sulk before sleeping, I'm actually really happy and I hope you are too.' to which I replied that I'm really not happy, and that I've kind of put my love-life on hold hoping he'll come to his senses and feel a bit stupid for doing so.
He then twittered at me - blah blah blah - about how i broke his meeting by sending that message - I texted him later saying 'how did I break your meeting?' and he said 'just by telling me for the first time that you're not happy. Frustrated isn't the same as unhappy.' and I said 'yeah true. but one often leads to the other' and he said 'I'm trying really fucking hard to work out my head. I promise. Give me a week please before getting sadder, ok?'
I said that was ok, or whatever, at least I have a time-frame now. anyway. more happened, it's all a bit wanky, I have no idea what's going on, but anyway. keeping people up to date with my random life - and keeping this to remind myself in future, I guess.
ANYWAY. in other news - CRAZY weekend coming up - I fly to Adelaide for Jules and Immy's wedding on Friday night - the wedding is on Saturday, then I go straight from the reception to the airport to go to sydney for SUPERNATURAL CON! WOO! The excitement has really only hit me about that today, I don't know why - but it's seemed like a distant, back of the mind thing, but now I'm REALLY psyched, and so happy that I've decided to go, as I was umming and Ahhing for a while there due to the fact that it's omgsomuchmoneyyyy *flail* And I get to see Trillion again!! I'm so excited! WOO! I think I'm going to be half-dead by monday! woo!
i'm flying 3 different airlines in 3 days, hehe. should I write a review of each, I wonder?
My head is all over the place today, so I'm gonna go. Ciao!