(no subject)
Lonely.
I think of all the times I tried to cheer other people up. The things I'd say. And not a single thing I can think of makes me feel better. I think I need to feel lonely in order to feel normal. Or maybe it's that I need to want something I can't have in order to keep my mind busy. Or maybe it's that I think too damn much about things that don't really matter.
What matters is the world. It's not enough to stop using plastic bags and eat meat less frequently. It's not enough to turn off unnecessary electricity and reduce water consumption. It's not enough to brush the surface. I need to UNDERSTAND. I used to surround myself with people who know about world conflicts and cultural rivalries and other languages. Is it that I want to know all of these things myself or is it that I value their existence and feel they are... immortalized or... acknowledged... given weight to... just by being known nearby? I've become so bland in my adulthood. I've become everything I said I'd never become.
She's not really my type, but I think you two are forever, and I hate to say it, but you're perfect together.
Everything in my own life is fine. I've completed six months of actual teaching and survived on my own. Paid my own bills. Bought my own health insurance. Fixed my own car. Did everything I said I'd do: move across the country, eat meat less frequently and begin eating more soy products, dive into creative projects like photography and painting, read more, stop smoking cigarettes, smoke pot less frequently, get into shape. Everything. Done. I would've liked to have walked or taken the bus to work, but that's something I can work on in the near future.
So what more??
I thought I was craving physical attention, but then I climb all over Noemi and I'm still wanting more. I think my brain is restless. I want intellectual stimulation, but I'm not good at talking about current events. My brain is philosophy-based, not actuality-based. I think more often about what MIGHT be true and what COULD have been than about what ACTUALLY surrounds me. It's ludicrous! Am I in denial of the very life that exists around me? Is it that the drugs and the gangs and the poverty, the POVERTY ... all bother me too much to really get involved with?
There's a war on the streets and war in the Middle East. Instead of war on poverty, they got a war on drugs so the police can bother me.
If we can have a war on terrorism, we can definitely have a war on poverty. Trouble is, no one would profit from a war on poverty. [Except the poor, of course.] The rich would actually have to... um, GIVE something to someone else without wanting anything in return. I think this is an absurd hope of mine. How could I ever expect people in this country to empathize so sincerely with total strangers that they feel compelled to give feely and openly to others? Without wanting anything in return? How could I expect the great few wealthy to give serious thought about what it might be like if they themselves were in poverty? If the gangs and struggle were all encompassing, all around them. I think it's the United States. I think I'm not built for the dog-eat-dog, individualistic, materialistic, self-serving shit we got going on here. And what's more, I've been so consumed by it that my mind is numb with it! I can't even retain information about which country got hit with the most recent natural disaster. What is important to me? Why do I feel empty? Why does my brain feel empty? Unengaged? Unable to keep up?
Life is strange. I see replicas of people from time to time. A motion, a type of language pattern, a fashion sense, a series of decisions, a body type. There's a duplicate of Aimee Reigner and Auntie Mary Lou living in Worcester. Other places, I have seen Chloe Caves, Rebecca Janiel, and Joey Lonjers.
* * * * * * * * * *
Did you hear that China's been shooting into the clouds to force it to rain so that it doesn't ruin the Olympics? Something to that effect. There is a global war between earth and humans. Earth will win. Earth has to win. I'd rather see Her take us out than watch as the Human Experience is wiped out by isolationism and fear, Poetry rendered obsolete by robotic interaction, Freelance Creativity and Other General Randomness replaced with efficiency, productivity, money. Why does there always have to be a dollar sign attached to something in order for this country to deem it valuable? [As if the dollar sign has value.]
I want to turn on the news and watch something that will teach future generations life lessons. I want something I can LEARN from, not just disaster and shock. It's appalling watching the likes of Nancy Grace and Glenn Beck. All they do is try to get a rise out of someone. How do they sleep? [How come I'm not sleeping?] They should be asking the questions. We as a culture should be discussing the answers. It's gotten to a point where sometimes I'm watching the news and it starts to look like 1984. Big talking heads on a lifeless TV screen. Morality, false interaction, politeness, rudeness, interruption, disrespect, all of it. Theatrics! Since when did CNN become so FLASHY? Tell me about MORE than Obama and McCain. Tell me about the weather. Tell me about other people, about other countries, about things I should care about other than myself.
We won't even know we're slaves on a corporate plantation.
How can I love the rich? Teach me to love my brothers who don't know the law. Am I considered rich? How can I love my brothers when they do not love the poor? Christianity... has been on my mind a lot lately, thanks to Lauryn Hill. I can see now how it shaped my morals, and I am thankful for that. Still, it leaves many questions. I believe that the only way a diverse people can coexist peacefully (multi-color, multi-lingual, multi-class, multi-faith) is through a steadfast COMMITMENT to respectful communication. As children, this is easy to learn and to do. As an adult, I find it much harder to keep track of my face and language moment by moment. So much of what I say and how I look is determined by what I think must be polite. I want to be able to stare at someone without being rude, I want to be able to go up to a stranger and start a conversation without seeming intrusive, I want to live in a society where we are determined to find that which is SIMILAR between and among us so that we may not feel isolated but understood. I want to live in a society that recognizes that which is different between us and among us and sees it as potential for strength rather than as grounds for judgment.
I kept sensing something terrible, impending doom. I can't tell if it's passed or not. I do believe the world is ending. I am sad. I fell in love with life's potential. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm always in love with potential.
And so we beat on, boats against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past.