To Be A Rainbow Fish (1/?)
NOTICE: i am reposting all the parts of my multi-chapter fics! not deleting them off their old spots, just reposting for easier access to them, and because i just want them all on one journal.
Pairing: Hankyung/Donghae, Hankyung/Siwon, Eunhyuk/Donghae, Siwon/Eunhyuk friendship
Rating: r
Summary: Sometimes, I do like being a fish.
Note: i blame the random inspiration on this by theclockiswrong . and the song is so beautiful. this turned into more than i thought it would, and now it's multi-chapter :o
Word count: ~2560
To Be A Rainbow Fish
- - -
Life seems easy when people just look at me.
“Siwon, look,” smiles dance on Hankyung’s face, “Donghae looks happy today.”
To be a rainbow fish must be wonderful, right?
“Yeah, he does,” Siwon’s smile copies Hankyung’s, yet he can make it his own. Donghae swims around the edge of the water, touching the surface with his colored back and making tiny ripples with his tiny body.
Sometimes, I do like being a fish.
Donghae’s body, when it’s like this-all pretty colors and a tiny sparkle to the fins-is so breathtaking to look at. Sometimes Hankyung likes to sit at the edge of the water with the camera Siwon bought him for his last birthday and just stare at the little fish. He stares and snaps a picture now and then, like little passing moments he’ll never have again. Hours pass, and Hankyung doesn’t know he has tears rolling down his cheeks until his little fish friend Donghae is poking at the surface with his mouth. He thinks that Donghae is asking him to stop crying and Hankyung leans over the surface of the water, tears dropping around Donghae but never hitting his rainbow colors.
Siwon finds him like this. He takes the camera from Hankyung’s hands before the grief makes him drop it in the water-because he knows that Hankyung would never stop crying if he lost his pictures of their little friend.
Thank you, Siwon.
Donghae smiles inside, because when fish smile on the outside, it doesn’t look that much different from normal. He thanks Siwon for drying Hankyung’s tears. Even then it doesn’t stop Donghae’s heart from weeping. Because he wishes that he could hold Hankyung, and dry those tears. But, in a way, he’s the one who put them there in the first place.
Hankyung’s tears are seeping into his water, floating around him. Taunting him as Siwon walks Hankyung away. The figures that leave him to his solitude in the deep water are both strong and fragile.
I’m sorry.
-
“Are you trying to kill yourself again?”
Donghae lifts his eyes. His human eyes. He’s completely bare, sitting on a rock, one foot in the water. The rest of his body feels dry-too dry. And he watches Eunhyuk’s body lifting just a little from the surface, breaking it and glistening in the dark moonlight.
“What makes you say that?” Donghae’s voice is weary. He hasn’t used it for a week.
“You’re drying yourself out,” Eunhyuk swims over to the rock his friend is perched on. “You did the same thing last week. Not healthy.”
“I have my foot in the water,” Donghae wiggles his toes, as if he’s trying to convince himself that he’s making an effort to keep himself alive with this movement. Partially because he thinks that Hankyung would cry if he just let himself shrivel up and dry up and die on this rock. Then again, if he died in his human form, maybe he would stay that way, and Hankyung wouldn’t know it was Donghae. Maybe Hankyung would think that his little fish friend swam off to a new home. Then Hankyung would be free from sitting at the edge of the pond. He would be free from Donghae’s rainbow scaled trap.
“That’s not gonna keep you alive for much longer, though,” Eunhyuk’s hand is sliding over Donghae’s calf. The sudden water from palm to leg stings Donghae, and he hisses a little. Having water puncture his body again after hours of being dry hurts feels unwelcome. He can only imagine what immersing himself in water will feel like when he slides off his rock.
“Stop,” he says, feeling that hand traveling up. Eunhyuk’s hand is on his thigh now. He can feel his best friend’s heart ripping between the two of them, because they call themselves best friends, but they aren’t really that way anymore. Not when Eunhyuk wants to touch him this way. He leaves his hand there for a moment, feeling Donghae’s soft human skin under his fingers. Eunhyuk wants to touch every part of him. But he doesn’t. He sinks back into the water and swims away.
Donghae tears up in the silence. He’s always hurting Eunhyuk, and he’s never laid a hand on him. He’s always hurting Eunhyuk, but Eunhyuk is the one who does the touching. It’s unfair-Donghae knows he’s being unfair. Sometimes he thinks that he should just let Eunhyuk touch him all he wants, but he doesn’t.
Donghae jumps back into the water-into his home-and his body is engulfed in cold stinging flames that lick his dry skin. His human skin. There are times when he wishes that his human skin would stay forever. But he lets go and sinks to the bottom, all the way to the bottom until he becomes a fish again.
-
“Good to see you,” says Siwon, looking down at the silvery fish beneath the surface. Eunhyuk likes seeing Siwon, too. He knows that Siwon is one of the ways Donghae can never leave him for Hankyung. Besides the obvious fact that Donghae will die without water, with Hankyung’s Siwon around, Donghae can’t leave him.
His shining fish tail wiggles, like a happy puppy.
“Where’s Donghae?” he asks, even though he knows Eunhyuk can’t answer. His handsome face leans over the water, looking expectantly at the small water creature.
Sulking somewhere, probably.
“Hankyung has to stay home today. He’s sick.”
Eunhyuk hates that he feels joy at the sound of this statement. Hankyung is sick. Hankyung is sick so that way Eunhyuk can be with Donghae for longer than usual. He won’t rip Donghae away from him.
“Can you tell Donghae that for me? I know they’re buddies,” Siwon laughs. “I’m sure Donghae will miss seeing Hankyung.”
He will. I know he will. But he has me, so don’t worry.
“I brought the camera, though. He always wants pictures of you guys, you know?” Siwon smiles gently, but it seems like he’s skeptical of it. Hankyung’s so interested in these little swimming bodies, and sometimes Siwon thinks that they should just take them out of their pond and put them into a tank in their home so they’ll always be together. That would make Hankyung happy, Siwon thinks.
What he doesn’t know is that Eunhyuk would hate it. Because then he would have to share Donghae with Hankyung. Because then they could never settle into their human forms, and Eunhyuk wouldn’t have another chance to try and touch Donghae the way he wants to. Eunhyuk would hate it.
Siwon takes a picture of the silver-scaled fish.
“You know, if Donghae is Hankyung’s fish, then you should be my fish,” Siwon muses.
I don’t want to be your fish. I want to be Donghae’s.
Siwon laughs again, the shutter snaps.
But if Donghae has Hankyung, then I guess I’m glad I have you, Siwon.
The shutter snaps. Eunhyuk feels lonely. He wishes Donghae would come up from the bottom. From the soft floor of their home where his eyes are closed and he’s thinking of Hankyung.
Eunhyuk feels so lonely.
Siwon is smiling.
The shutter snaps.
-
Bubbles float from Eunhyuk’s shining mouth. He’s looking into Donghae’s eyes. They’re still fish, and the moon is out. Where have you been?
You know where. Donghae’s bubbles respond as his small eyes flicker down for a moment.
I missed you today. Siwon missed you. The words come out before he can really thing about it. He automatically leaves out Hankyung because, well, he wasn’t there. But he’s sure Hankyung’s missed Donghae as well. The idea of it makes Eunhyuk jealous, as usual.
Hankyung?
The name leaving Donghae’s lips in circled pockets of air tears Eunhyuk apart. And Donghae knows, but he can’t help it. He wants to know about Hankyung.
He didn’t come today. He’s sick.
He can feel Donghae sink, figuratively. But Donghae has already sunk to the floor once, and it wouldn’t feel the same now. It wouldn’t bring the same amount of relief to his sadness.
Oh.
You okay, Hae?
I’ll be fine. The rainbow fish bobs his head up and down. Eunhyuk swims closer and nuzzles their scales together in a hug that isn’t really a hug, but it’s something like it that’s just as comforting. Donghae accepts, because Donghae loves Eunhyuk. Just not in the way Eunhyuk wants, or the way he loves Hankyung.
-
Donghae opens his eyes and feels a warm mouth on his. He sucks on it, lips against teeth in a violent battle for something Donghae doesn’t even know he’s fighting for. Hands are all over his skin-his human skin. Eunhyuk grinds something hard against his thigh, and Donghae sighs.
He slides his tongue over Eunhyuk’s skin, as if keeping it wet as they touch each other all over on top of this rock. Donghae doesn’t know why he doesn’t stop Eunhyuk from taking his erection into his shaking hands. There’s a part of him that doesn’t want this to stop.
The moon shines overhead, and a lily pad tickles the bottom of Donghae’s foot as he lets Eunhyuk touch him; lets Eunhyuk fuck him.
-
He feels like he’s done something terrible as Hankyung looks at him the next morning, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and all that happy shit. Donghae isn’t in the mood to be happy, but he puts on a fishy smile for the one he loves.
“Hi there,” Hankyung smiles. “I missed you yesterday, little man.”
Donghae laughs at the word ‘man’. Because if only Hankyung could see Donghae as a man, he would know that he’s not so little-even if he’s a bit short. But Donghae wishes Hankyung could see him as a man. Maybe then he’d fall in love.
No.
Donghae sighs in bubbles. Hankyung’s palm is on the surface of the water. He doesn’t really understand, but Donghae is pressing tiny kisses to his fingertips.
I’m sorry I fucked around with Eunhyuk last night. Those are the thoughts that go through his mind, but Hankyung keeps smiling. He has no clue. He’ll never need to know. Hankyung wouldn’t be hurt anyway, because he loves Siwon.
“Siwon took some great pictures of Eunhyuk yesterday,” Hankyung digs up the camera from its bag. He cleans the lens for a moment before focusing on Donghae. “But you weren’t there. So, I’m going to make up for it, okay? Smile, Hae.”
Hae. I like when you call me that, Hankyung.
“Can fish smile?”
I will if you call me Hae again.
“That’s a silly thought, isn’t it, Hae? Nevermind,” Hankyung chuckles, raising the camera again. But this time, when the shutter snaps, he doesn’t take a picture of the rainbow fish he’s so used to seeing.
He takes a picture of a man, with wet brown hair plastered to his scalp and deep brown eyes, staring into his soul and smiling. Hankyung lowers the camera and gazes back. Donghae feels the water wrapping around his cold skin, and he lifts his hand to reach out towards the soft black hair on top of Hankyung’s head. This is the first touch. He just barely feels it under his fingertips before it’s gone, flinching away. Hankyung is running, and he’s running away from Donghae.
Donghae’s heart may have died.
-
Eunhyuk feels hands bruising his skin, his hips, his bones, his jaw, face, everywhere. Blood builds up in his member as Donghae’s body rubs up and down his own.
“Fuck,” he swears silently as kisses fly over his chest. Donghae’s lips. Eunhyuk’s fingers curl.
There’s pain and then pleasure. So much pleasure, Eunhyuk feels like he’s going to explode. And he does later. He does, and then before he knows it, Donghae is gone. Donghae is no longer inside him, and he’s left Eunhyuk sweating on this rock.
Eunhyuk gets up. He cleans himself with the pond water, gently and slowly. He dirties the water with sweat and all other kinds of fluids. He’s sore from being fucked so hard, but his heart is bursting.
But he feels the emptiness of the lake. For a while, he swims around, still a man. He swims and tries to find Donghae. He goes to the bottom. Donghae isn’t there. He comes back to the surface. There is no Donghae.
“Fuck.”
-
Donghae is walking. Donghae’s wobbling and walking in legs he barely uses for anything except swimming and climbing rocks. He’s wearing his sweat, he’s wearing Eunhyuk’s sweat.
He’s almost never cried before. There was something like it in his past, and he remembers when Hankyung and limped over rocks to see Donghae, with Siwon holding his crutches for him. But this is different. His entire body is weeping and shaking, twitching and sobbing.
His sobs echo throughout the street. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he feels like he’s trying to find Hankyung. He feels like he knows where to go, but he still doesn’t. Confusion. Sadness. Heartache.
It’s been hours since he was with Eunhyuk. Hours, and he can see the pale blue peeking out from the edge of the horizon. The sun is going to come out soon. His tears paint the road.
“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, although he can’t figure out whom he’s apologizing to. Is it Eunhyuk? Hankyung? Siwon, even?
Silver glinting catches his eye. He looks ahead of him, and there’s something tiny being outlined in the low glow of the moon and the street lamps.
He can hear a faint breathing in his mind. He doesn’t know how, but he can. Donghae limps forward to it. His legs are so tired, but he carries himself to the silver form in the road. He knows what it is before he crouches down on his dry knees to burst into tears again.
Taking the silver fish into his hands, Donghae holds his best friend against his chest. There are no fluttering movements.
“Were you trying to find me?” he asks, even though Eunhyuk can’t answer. He closes his eyes and imagines him saying yes. But it hurts, because it’s not only yes, but yes, because I love you.
The next round of sobs is enough to wake up a few neighborhood faces. But by the time any of them think to act upon hearing them, they’re gone. Donghae’s human form shrinks down, dries up.
Becomes a fish.
-
Hankyung is out of bed. It’s seven in the morning and he’s still in his pajamas, still yawning, and he doesn’t know why he’s carefully sliding out of bed from Siwon. He’s tiptoeing down the stairs, and sneaking out the front door. He doesn’t know why, but he is. And he doesn’t think that Siwon will wake up, but Siwon does.
Hankyung is walking down the street, wearing his worn out sneakers.
He sees something in the road. Two lumps.
He breaks down before he even reaches them.
Wet drops fall from Hankyung’s eyes, dampening the dry scales. Rainbow and silver.
Siwon’s arms are around him. But Hankyung doesn’t want them. He lets Siwon hold him, but he wants Donghae. He wants to hold Donghae, fish or man.
Hankyung’s entire throat hurts as he stands over the two silent creatures that have always been there. Donghae’s fins are unmoving. Eunhyuk’s tail isn’t swishing around happily. Donghae’s tiny mouth isn’t kissing Hankyung’s fingertips.
He wishes he’d been born a fish.
--
feels like forever to me. i need to finish chapter 5…
Pairing: Hankyung/Donghae, Hankyung/Siwon, Eunhyuk/Donghae, Siwon/Eunhyuk friendship
Rating: r
Summary: Sometimes, I do like being a fish.
Note: i blame the random inspiration on this by theclockiswrong . and the song is so beautiful. this turned into more than i thought it would, and now it's multi-chapter :o
Word count: ~2560
To Be A Rainbow Fish
- - -
Life seems easy when people just look at me.
“Siwon, look,” smiles dance on Hankyung’s face, “Donghae looks happy today.”
To be a rainbow fish must be wonderful, right?
“Yeah, he does,” Siwon’s smile copies Hankyung’s, yet he can make it his own. Donghae swims around the edge of the water, touching the surface with his colored back and making tiny ripples with his tiny body.
Sometimes, I do like being a fish.
Donghae’s body, when it’s like this-all pretty colors and a tiny sparkle to the fins-is so breathtaking to look at. Sometimes Hankyung likes to sit at the edge of the water with the camera Siwon bought him for his last birthday and just stare at the little fish. He stares and snaps a picture now and then, like little passing moments he’ll never have again. Hours pass, and Hankyung doesn’t know he has tears rolling down his cheeks until his little fish friend Donghae is poking at the surface with his mouth. He thinks that Donghae is asking him to stop crying and Hankyung leans over the surface of the water, tears dropping around Donghae but never hitting his rainbow colors.
Siwon finds him like this. He takes the camera from Hankyung’s hands before the grief makes him drop it in the water-because he knows that Hankyung would never stop crying if he lost his pictures of their little friend.
Thank you, Siwon.
Donghae smiles inside, because when fish smile on the outside, it doesn’t look that much different from normal. He thanks Siwon for drying Hankyung’s tears. Even then it doesn’t stop Donghae’s heart from weeping. Because he wishes that he could hold Hankyung, and dry those tears. But, in a way, he’s the one who put them there in the first place.
Hankyung’s tears are seeping into his water, floating around him. Taunting him as Siwon walks Hankyung away. The figures that leave him to his solitude in the deep water are both strong and fragile.
I’m sorry.
-
“Are you trying to kill yourself again?”
Donghae lifts his eyes. His human eyes. He’s completely bare, sitting on a rock, one foot in the water. The rest of his body feels dry-too dry. And he watches Eunhyuk’s body lifting just a little from the surface, breaking it and glistening in the dark moonlight.
“What makes you say that?” Donghae’s voice is weary. He hasn’t used it for a week.
“You’re drying yourself out,” Eunhyuk swims over to the rock his friend is perched on. “You did the same thing last week. Not healthy.”
“I have my foot in the water,” Donghae wiggles his toes, as if he’s trying to convince himself that he’s making an effort to keep himself alive with this movement. Partially because he thinks that Hankyung would cry if he just let himself shrivel up and dry up and die on this rock. Then again, if he died in his human form, maybe he would stay that way, and Hankyung wouldn’t know it was Donghae. Maybe Hankyung would think that his little fish friend swam off to a new home. Then Hankyung would be free from sitting at the edge of the pond. He would be free from Donghae’s rainbow scaled trap.
“That’s not gonna keep you alive for much longer, though,” Eunhyuk’s hand is sliding over Donghae’s calf. The sudden water from palm to leg stings Donghae, and he hisses a little. Having water puncture his body again after hours of being dry hurts feels unwelcome. He can only imagine what immersing himself in water will feel like when he slides off his rock.
“Stop,” he says, feeling that hand traveling up. Eunhyuk’s hand is on his thigh now. He can feel his best friend’s heart ripping between the two of them, because they call themselves best friends, but they aren’t really that way anymore. Not when Eunhyuk wants to touch him this way. He leaves his hand there for a moment, feeling Donghae’s soft human skin under his fingers. Eunhyuk wants to touch every part of him. But he doesn’t. He sinks back into the water and swims away.
Donghae tears up in the silence. He’s always hurting Eunhyuk, and he’s never laid a hand on him. He’s always hurting Eunhyuk, but Eunhyuk is the one who does the touching. It’s unfair-Donghae knows he’s being unfair. Sometimes he thinks that he should just let Eunhyuk touch him all he wants, but he doesn’t.
Donghae jumps back into the water-into his home-and his body is engulfed in cold stinging flames that lick his dry skin. His human skin. There are times when he wishes that his human skin would stay forever. But he lets go and sinks to the bottom, all the way to the bottom until he becomes a fish again.
-
“Good to see you,” says Siwon, looking down at the silvery fish beneath the surface. Eunhyuk likes seeing Siwon, too. He knows that Siwon is one of the ways Donghae can never leave him for Hankyung. Besides the obvious fact that Donghae will die without water, with Hankyung’s Siwon around, Donghae can’t leave him.
His shining fish tail wiggles, like a happy puppy.
“Where’s Donghae?” he asks, even though he knows Eunhyuk can’t answer. His handsome face leans over the water, looking expectantly at the small water creature.
Sulking somewhere, probably.
“Hankyung has to stay home today. He’s sick.”
Eunhyuk hates that he feels joy at the sound of this statement. Hankyung is sick. Hankyung is sick so that way Eunhyuk can be with Donghae for longer than usual. He won’t rip Donghae away from him.
“Can you tell Donghae that for me? I know they’re buddies,” Siwon laughs. “I’m sure Donghae will miss seeing Hankyung.”
He will. I know he will. But he has me, so don’t worry.
“I brought the camera, though. He always wants pictures of you guys, you know?” Siwon smiles gently, but it seems like he’s skeptical of it. Hankyung’s so interested in these little swimming bodies, and sometimes Siwon thinks that they should just take them out of their pond and put them into a tank in their home so they’ll always be together. That would make Hankyung happy, Siwon thinks.
What he doesn’t know is that Eunhyuk would hate it. Because then he would have to share Donghae with Hankyung. Because then they could never settle into their human forms, and Eunhyuk wouldn’t have another chance to try and touch Donghae the way he wants to. Eunhyuk would hate it.
Siwon takes a picture of the silver-scaled fish.
“You know, if Donghae is Hankyung’s fish, then you should be my fish,” Siwon muses.
I don’t want to be your fish. I want to be Donghae’s.
Siwon laughs again, the shutter snaps.
But if Donghae has Hankyung, then I guess I’m glad I have you, Siwon.
The shutter snaps. Eunhyuk feels lonely. He wishes Donghae would come up from the bottom. From the soft floor of their home where his eyes are closed and he’s thinking of Hankyung.
Eunhyuk feels so lonely.
Siwon is smiling.
The shutter snaps.
-
Bubbles float from Eunhyuk’s shining mouth. He’s looking into Donghae’s eyes. They’re still fish, and the moon is out. Where have you been?
You know where. Donghae’s bubbles respond as his small eyes flicker down for a moment.
I missed you today. Siwon missed you. The words come out before he can really thing about it. He automatically leaves out Hankyung because, well, he wasn’t there. But he’s sure Hankyung’s missed Donghae as well. The idea of it makes Eunhyuk jealous, as usual.
Hankyung?
The name leaving Donghae’s lips in circled pockets of air tears Eunhyuk apart. And Donghae knows, but he can’t help it. He wants to know about Hankyung.
He didn’t come today. He’s sick.
He can feel Donghae sink, figuratively. But Donghae has already sunk to the floor once, and it wouldn’t feel the same now. It wouldn’t bring the same amount of relief to his sadness.
Oh.
You okay, Hae?
I’ll be fine. The rainbow fish bobs his head up and down. Eunhyuk swims closer and nuzzles their scales together in a hug that isn’t really a hug, but it’s something like it that’s just as comforting. Donghae accepts, because Donghae loves Eunhyuk. Just not in the way Eunhyuk wants, or the way he loves Hankyung.
-
Donghae opens his eyes and feels a warm mouth on his. He sucks on it, lips against teeth in a violent battle for something Donghae doesn’t even know he’s fighting for. Hands are all over his skin-his human skin. Eunhyuk grinds something hard against his thigh, and Donghae sighs.
He slides his tongue over Eunhyuk’s skin, as if keeping it wet as they touch each other all over on top of this rock. Donghae doesn’t know why he doesn’t stop Eunhyuk from taking his erection into his shaking hands. There’s a part of him that doesn’t want this to stop.
The moon shines overhead, and a lily pad tickles the bottom of Donghae’s foot as he lets Eunhyuk touch him; lets Eunhyuk fuck him.
-
He feels like he’s done something terrible as Hankyung looks at him the next morning, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and all that happy shit. Donghae isn’t in the mood to be happy, but he puts on a fishy smile for the one he loves.
“Hi there,” Hankyung smiles. “I missed you yesterday, little man.”
Donghae laughs at the word ‘man’. Because if only Hankyung could see Donghae as a man, he would know that he’s not so little-even if he’s a bit short. But Donghae wishes Hankyung could see him as a man. Maybe then he’d fall in love.
No.
Donghae sighs in bubbles. Hankyung’s palm is on the surface of the water. He doesn’t really understand, but Donghae is pressing tiny kisses to his fingertips.
I’m sorry I fucked around with Eunhyuk last night. Those are the thoughts that go through his mind, but Hankyung keeps smiling. He has no clue. He’ll never need to know. Hankyung wouldn’t be hurt anyway, because he loves Siwon.
“Siwon took some great pictures of Eunhyuk yesterday,” Hankyung digs up the camera from its bag. He cleans the lens for a moment before focusing on Donghae. “But you weren’t there. So, I’m going to make up for it, okay? Smile, Hae.”
Hae. I like when you call me that, Hankyung.
“Can fish smile?”
I will if you call me Hae again.
“That’s a silly thought, isn’t it, Hae? Nevermind,” Hankyung chuckles, raising the camera again. But this time, when the shutter snaps, he doesn’t take a picture of the rainbow fish he’s so used to seeing.
He takes a picture of a man, with wet brown hair plastered to his scalp and deep brown eyes, staring into his soul and smiling. Hankyung lowers the camera and gazes back. Donghae feels the water wrapping around his cold skin, and he lifts his hand to reach out towards the soft black hair on top of Hankyung’s head. This is the first touch. He just barely feels it under his fingertips before it’s gone, flinching away. Hankyung is running, and he’s running away from Donghae.
Donghae’s heart may have died.
-
Eunhyuk feels hands bruising his skin, his hips, his bones, his jaw, face, everywhere. Blood builds up in his member as Donghae’s body rubs up and down his own.
“Fuck,” he swears silently as kisses fly over his chest. Donghae’s lips. Eunhyuk’s fingers curl.
There’s pain and then pleasure. So much pleasure, Eunhyuk feels like he’s going to explode. And he does later. He does, and then before he knows it, Donghae is gone. Donghae is no longer inside him, and he’s left Eunhyuk sweating on this rock.
Eunhyuk gets up. He cleans himself with the pond water, gently and slowly. He dirties the water with sweat and all other kinds of fluids. He’s sore from being fucked so hard, but his heart is bursting.
But he feels the emptiness of the lake. For a while, he swims around, still a man. He swims and tries to find Donghae. He goes to the bottom. Donghae isn’t there. He comes back to the surface. There is no Donghae.
“Fuck.”
-
Donghae is walking. Donghae’s wobbling and walking in legs he barely uses for anything except swimming and climbing rocks. He’s wearing his sweat, he’s wearing Eunhyuk’s sweat.
He’s almost never cried before. There was something like it in his past, and he remembers when Hankyung and limped over rocks to see Donghae, with Siwon holding his crutches for him. But this is different. His entire body is weeping and shaking, twitching and sobbing.
His sobs echo throughout the street. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he feels like he’s trying to find Hankyung. He feels like he knows where to go, but he still doesn’t. Confusion. Sadness. Heartache.
It’s been hours since he was with Eunhyuk. Hours, and he can see the pale blue peeking out from the edge of the horizon. The sun is going to come out soon. His tears paint the road.
“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, although he can’t figure out whom he’s apologizing to. Is it Eunhyuk? Hankyung? Siwon, even?
Silver glinting catches his eye. He looks ahead of him, and there’s something tiny being outlined in the low glow of the moon and the street lamps.
He can hear a faint breathing in his mind. He doesn’t know how, but he can. Donghae limps forward to it. His legs are so tired, but he carries himself to the silver form in the road. He knows what it is before he crouches down on his dry knees to burst into tears again.
Taking the silver fish into his hands, Donghae holds his best friend against his chest. There are no fluttering movements.
“Were you trying to find me?” he asks, even though Eunhyuk can’t answer. He closes his eyes and imagines him saying yes. But it hurts, because it’s not only yes, but yes, because I love you.
The next round of sobs is enough to wake up a few neighborhood faces. But by the time any of them think to act upon hearing them, they’re gone. Donghae’s human form shrinks down, dries up.
Becomes a fish.
-
Hankyung is out of bed. It’s seven in the morning and he’s still in his pajamas, still yawning, and he doesn’t know why he’s carefully sliding out of bed from Siwon. He’s tiptoeing down the stairs, and sneaking out the front door. He doesn’t know why, but he is. And he doesn’t think that Siwon will wake up, but Siwon does.
Hankyung is walking down the street, wearing his worn out sneakers.
He sees something in the road. Two lumps.
He breaks down before he even reaches them.
Wet drops fall from Hankyung’s eyes, dampening the dry scales. Rainbow and silver.
Siwon’s arms are around him. But Hankyung doesn’t want them. He lets Siwon hold him, but he wants Donghae. He wants to hold Donghae, fish or man.
Hankyung’s entire throat hurts as he stands over the two silent creatures that have always been there. Donghae’s fins are unmoving. Eunhyuk’s tail isn’t swishing around happily. Donghae’s tiny mouth isn’t kissing Hankyung’s fingertips.
He wishes he’d been born a fish.
--
feels like forever to me. i need to finish chapter 5…