Stopping Time {Eunhyuk/Donghae}
Focus: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Rating: pg
Summary: prompt - Hyukjae thinks that maybe after all, Donghae is meant to be a father.
Note: for catskilt ! her prompt has led me to one of the longest oneshots i've done in a while :) i hope this is satisfactory orz
Word count: 4472
Stopping Time
Hyukjae catches Donghae in his room, slouched against the wall with a phone against his ear and his eyes glistening with something easily recognizable as tears. All he finds himself capable of doing is standing there, staring into his best friend's face as he stares back but speaks into his phone, to someone else.
"Boy or girl?" he asks, but not to Hyukjae. From where he's standing, Hyukjae can hear what only sounds like a mumble on the other end of the phone. Donghae puts his hand to his mouth and covers a smile on his face. Hyukjae's pretty sure his heart just twitched in a way it shouldn't have. "What's her name?"
There's barely a reason behind it, but Hyukjae can't seem to pull himself from the doorway to enter the hall once more and leave Donghae in whatever emotion he's feeling. Even if it is quite clearly a private matter. Perhaps it's his internal desire as a friend to know what's happening, to soothe pain or rejoice with him-that was a smile after all. It's been their own nature to be in each other's faces more than what may be socially acceptable, but it's never stopped them.
The worry brewing within Hyukjae's chest dies when Donghae is smiling even brighter, laughing into the phone and his conversation ends not long after he says, "I'll come visit as soon as I can, hyung."
And it feels as if Donghae's only just hung up his cell as soon as his arms around around Hyukjae, lifting him off the ground for a nanosecond. It takes Hyukjae a moment to put two and two together and realize that Donghae is now an uncle.
"Her name is Jangmi," Donghae says at dinner, and for a second, Hyukjae thinks that Leeteuk is going to cry. Now Leeteuk is pining, he wants to get married probably more than anyone at this table-more than Donghae, maybe even more than Shindong (the Guy Who Actually Is Getting Married). "Hyung sent me a picture."
Normally Teukie-hyung's 'no phones at dinner unless there's an emergency' rule would come into play here, but this is special. It isn't an emergency, but who can give up the chance to see a baby? Really.
This is Super Junior, it wouldn't be them if they weren't enthusiastic over small children, especially ranging from newborns to four-year-olds named Jung Yoogeun but only two of them had been present for the aired Yoogeun meet-and-greet earlier this year. Hyukjae had been one of them, heck, he'd even held the kiddo.
What he wouldn't give to hold another kid like that, maybe it could be his next time, just maybe. But he'd have to find a woman first, a good one, and stop yearning for his best friend, too. It's weird.
"Oh," Leeteuk clutches his chest, like an old man in shock. Ryeowook twitches like he's ready to catch him if he tumbles over. "She's so beautiful."
"Isn't she?" Donghae is beaming. He's never looked this way before, ever. This is a sign, a sign that can be taken as marvelous, or maybe a little bit heart-tearing. This could go either way. "I've got a complete day off next Saturday-" their day off, together, the one they'd fought for so that they could have lunch together and maybe waste time at a video game store, "-and by then noona and Donghwa-hyung should be home with the baby. So I'm going to visit her."
"That's great," their leader says. Everyone else has full mouths.
Heechul pinches Donghae's cheek without explaining a motive, chewing slowly. If they all didn't happen to be so tired form their schedules today, they'd probably be bouncing up and down, bouncing in Donghae's face, hugging Donghae without forcing him to. This is exciting, Hyukjae repeats in his head. Because it is. It is.
The look on Donghae's face should be enough to make him happy. He can't figure out why he hasn't convinced himself.
It takes Hyukjae three days to figure out where it's gone. The discovery is due to Donghae, as expected. They're going from a recording on some variety show that's already blurring in Hyukjae's mind to a place where the two of them plus Minho plus Leeteuk plus Sungmin can eat dinner. The words slip from Donghae's mouth as easily as discarded water, like spitting it out, only it flows. "I can't wait to be a father."
"Hyung, you'll make a great one," Minho pats his shoulder.
Leeteuk grins. "I'll be better." And they all laugh.
"Is that a challenge?"
"Should we make a challenge out of it?"
Donghae is smirking, innocently in his own way that only Lee Donghae can manage.
Next week, Donghae is going to meet Jangmi. He's taking Hyukjae with him. Hyukjae isn't fully sure why he's been invited, too, perhaps it's the 'best friend' tags they've been proudly sporting in public all these years. That must be it.
There's a pretty girl with dyed chocolate brown hair outside the restaurant, a cell phone in her hands and a pout on her face. She's far from unattractive. Donghae makes eye contact, and he gets to see her grin politely at him while he does the same back, like the strangers that they are. Hyukjae tries to freeze his smile over something hysterical that Minho just said.
He could just be overreacting, he reasons this with himself when he sits down at Leeteuk's side. The girl from outside comes in a few minutes after with two people, a male friend, and a female friend. Hyukjae doesn't listen to their conversation, but she has a nice laugh.
Donghae, however, appears to be listening while nodding deceivingly to the others as they talk. Their waitress is what pulls Hyukjae's eyes away from the top of Donghae's head, the pattern of follicles. Familiar.
Hyukjae doesn't order alcohol when asked what he'd like to drink this evening, he's not in the mood. Leeteuk seems proud of him. No one goes home drunk that night, they bring Minho home without a single mishap. They're all on their best behavior, and it feels foreign.
They don't get to visit Jangmi next week after all. A conflict comes up in Donghae's schedule, right in the way of his formerly free Saturday, and their trip is delayed. Hyukjae is sitting at his side when Donghae calls his brother to tell him that he won't be able to make it for a while.
How long is a while, Donghae-yah? Hyukjae can hear the question, and he pulls the pillow wrapped in his arms tighter against his chest, putting on his best pouting face. As if Donghwa-hyung could actually see them. Well, if they used the video feature, then he could see it, and he could see the look of regret on Donghae's face, even when there is nothing to regret. There is next to nothing he can do about schedules. It's not his fault in the first place.
"I'll let you know when I can, okay, hyung?" he sighs. "I'm sorry, tell Soyoung-noona I'm sorry, too. And-and Jangmi-ah. Tell her I'm coming to see her as soon as I can. Please?"
Of course. She'll love you, I know she will.
Everyone loves Donghae, Hyukjae thinks. It's hard not to at least take a liking to him. Jangmi will adore him.
That Saturday is still open for Hyukjae, but now he's not sure what to do. A little while after Donghae hangs up with "I love you, hyung," Hyukjae thinks that while Donghae is busy, he'll take his sister out for breakfast, he'll buy her something nice.
Their simpler life had started out with Hi, I'm Eunhyuk and I'm Donghae! but that's when their arms had been twigs and their faces were ones that belonged to sweet young men with dreams. And innocent, that's what they'd been.
Innocence was a nice thing to have, towing along at their sides when the twelve of them at the time had been ushered into a room to talk about their future. Twelve became thirteen only a few days before Donghae kissed Hyukjae on the cheek when they were alone in a rehearsal room.
Hyukjae's face had turned red, and his ears followed along in the same hue. That was when their life was still simple. Complications barely peeked at the two of them from the shadows; it wasn't time yet for them to come out.
They didn't talk much about wives and babies at that time. But they talked about other things, like babes with nice legs and which girl trainees were the prettiest. Which ones they'd like to ask out when they had enough courage. Hyukjae almost forgot about the kiss.
Then again, it wasn't something that would go away easily. Because it happened again. Only this time, Donghae's aim failed and landed straight on the lips of his "best friend".
Mistakes happen?
"She's really pretty, hyung."
Hyukjae passes by Heechul's room one morning, the taste of minty toothpaste hasn't yet reached to his mouth on account of the bathroom being closer to Heechul's room than his own. He's on his way when his attention latches onto a new conversation.
"Oh?" Heechul sounds completely enthused-if enthused means that his eyes are in a magazine while he uses Donghae's back as a footrest. "Anyone we know?"
"No, but she kinda looks like T-Ara's Eunjung."
The sound of a page turning, and ripping a bit at he corner. Flimsy thing. "You get her phone number?"
He doesn't stop walking, though, and makes it to the bathroom in a few more seconds.
"Yeah. I'm taking her for Chinese food tonight…"
Hyukjae doesn't hear the rest, the sound of toothbrush bristles scrubbing against his teeth and Sungmin gargling bubblegum-scented mouthwash starts muting everything else when Hyukjae lets it.
Donghae goes to Thailand with Siwon, Hyukjae spends a lot of time with the other people in his life. The other ones that also hold the title of important. The Donghae-Hyukjae-neice visit is further delayed, much to both of their dismay.
A letter comes in the mail that's different from all the other fan-written ones they periodically receive. Signed with a scent of lavender and delicate handwriting on the front, for Donghae. Leeteuk asks Hyukjae to keep it in a safe place for when Donghae gets back, and to tell him. Like Hyukjae is the best messenger for the job. Then again, when it comes to Donghae, he pretty much is.
He goes into Donghae's room and puts the letter underneath his pillow. Safe enough. No one is going to take it, he's sure, but he comes in and checks for it that night before he goes to bed, and then the next morning once again. Still there.
The day after Donghae comes back from Thailand, he puts the letter in his bag as they head out to meet the baby girl after all this time. Donghae is anxious to see her, but he calms himself by people with Hyukjae on the way there.
Donghwa is the one who answers the doorbell, encasing his little brother in his arms as an immediate greeting. Hyukjae's smile isn't fake or frozen, because this couldn't possibly bring a frown to anyone's face.
"She's sleeping right now, but I was just about to make Soyoung lunch, want to help? As soon as Jangmi wakes up, I'm sure Soyoung will let you hold her," he laughs towards both of them.
Hyukjae hopes he can be one of those partaking in the holding mission. After all, he's held Yoogeun-but once he thinks about it, Yoogeun has had four years to gain a better durability than a baby that's only month old. He thinks back to We Got Married, with Alex, and those four babies. His fist closes in determination, he can handle this.
Donghae's smile is permanent, like it's been painted on, and its enhanced strength puts a grin on Hyukjae's face, too. They help Donghwa thought lunch like this, and the small TV in the corner of the counter is broadcasting the news, muted so that the baby monitor next to it would be able to speak first. Donghae is in the middle of throwing a chunk of rice towards the v-neck Hyukjae is wearing when he freezes and hears a small gargling noise from the monitor's speaker. Donghwa's face brightens as the three of them hear Soyoung's voice, cooing at what they can assume is Jangmi and her tiny noises, her soft cry.
Hyukjae can see a future in Donghae's eyes, a future that isn't his own yet.
The baby, in her mother's arms, makes an appearance about ten minutes later, Soyoung's hair looks as if she made her best attempt to force herself into a presentable state for her brother-in-law and his best friend. Everything about her screams Simple Yet Absolutely Beautiful, and Hyukjae recalls that Donghae had once proclaimed to him of how jealous he used to be of his hyung. Although not necessarily of his hyung having Soyoung, but jealous of having a girlfriend-now wife-like her.
She's perfect, without needing to have reached perfection. "That's deep," he remembers saying when the two of them talked about it. Not long after, they'd spent an evening underneath a blanket, dangerously close as they talked out their fears.
"I just fed her," says Soyoung, rubbing her daughter's back.
"Well, now her mama needs to get fed."
Donghae watches Donghwa feed his wife a bit of what's on the spoon, after blowing on it for her. So corny-although neither he nor Hyukjae could lie to themselves by saying they wouldn't ever want something like that. It's a cute little picture they're both hoping for, in reality.
But suddenly Donghae has a baby in his arms and he's concentrating hard so he won't drop her, so he won't hurt her.
He wants to show the people around him that he is going to be a good uncle to Jangmi, and that he'll be a good father to whatever mini-hims his future wife will pop out in however many years. Hyukjae reads it all in his face, he can see a family in Donghae's eyes this time. A family that isn't his own yet, and one that isn't Hyukjae's either. The difference is that it isn't Hyukjae's to own, ever.
Jangmi spits up on her uncle's shoulder, and Soyoung covers her mouth when she giggles, while Donghwa lets it all out and keels over for a moment. Hyukjae smacks Donghae's clean shoulder as playfully as he can while Donghae gives them all an amused smile. He laughs with them, his mouth wide open in its high volume, but he doesn't seem perturbed at all. His entire face is as bright as ever.
Because Donghae is meant to be a father, always has been, even if being an uncle has to come first. It's a lovely start.
Before they left, they took a picture of the two of them with Jangmi. Them sitting on the couch, Donghae holding her, and Hyukjae leaning close, putting his arm a little so that his thumb rests against Jangmi's fragile wrist.
They go down the stairs together as Donghae sends him the picture on his phone and then to another. Hyukjae wants to ask who it is, but doesn't want to be convicted of sticking his nose in Donghae's business. Though it's a fact that they should be used to it. He doesn't know why it feels out of place of him to ask now, so he keeps the question to himself. "I wonder what's for dinner tonight," he muses instead.
Hyukjae wonders why Donghae hasn't told him anything yet. About the girl. Because he knows there's a girl. He's passed by Heechul's room to get to the bathroom every morning, and on most of those mornings, Donghae is recalling some cute story about her cute nose or her cute fingernails to their hyung.
It's kind of creepy, but it's sweet, in a strange way. Hyukjae remembers a time when he wanted a girl with cute fingernails, and maybe one who wouldn't mind the smell of his dirty laundry that badly. He thinks maybe he still wants one, but then catches Donghae padding into the bathroom behind him a few minutes later. Hyukjae spits into the sink bowl and Donghae makes him stay to talk about dreams through toothpaste foam.
Hyukjae is half listening, half gazing at Donghae's profile. He pretends he's still too tired when Donghae asks why he isn't paying attention. And he also repeats the part about Henry turning into a hamster and battling the Ryeowook bunny over the city of Tokyo-all a dream, thankfully-and Donghae is pleased.
He still wonders why Donghae hasn't mentioned this girl to his face yet. Donghae switches hands while brushing, and something on his finger glints in Hyukjae's eye. A ring.
It takes him a while to get used to it, the ring. Usually things like this are only on members' fingers as decoration. Style. But this doesn't look like one of those simple ornament moments to Hyukjae, not at all. Evidence points elsewhere, towards a girl who looks like T-Ara's Eunjung that Hyukjae actually hasn't even seen so how would he know if Donghae is actually right on that one or if he's just imagining things because hey, Ham Eunjung is quite the attractive young lady.
Hyukjae realizes it's been two and a half months before Donghae tells him.. He's aching to know why it's taken so long for the subject to come up into his direct line of vision, not off at the sidelines in Heechul's face. Donghae half shoves a photo of the two of them making v-signs at the camera, his other arm seems to be around her waist.
"She's," Hyukjae looks for the best word that hopefully won't sound like he might be lusting after her in secret, which he definitely is not, "gorgeous." It still doesn't feel like the right choice, but that's the best he can muster up.
"We'll make such cute babies someday."
"That's weird. Don't say that."
"What? It's true! You think she's gorgeous, and I know you like my face so why wouldn't we?"
Hyukjae rolls his eyes and glances again at the picture he's been shown. Of course, Donghae has a good point. But has it been obvious that Hyukjae likes Donghae's face, or is he just saying things out of the blue that happen to be completely correct? He's not sure, it could go either way. "How long have you been with her again?" It doesn't sound right saying it, being 'with her'.
"Two and a half months," Donghae says, like it's nothing. To Hyukjae, it's everything. "I know you're thinking I'm rushing things-but I'm just, you know, daydreaming. Don't you do that, too? You see a girl you're interested in and think that hm, you could be happily married to her someday. She could have your babies."
"Yeah. I have. I've been like that." Not a lie.
"I just get that way with her sometimes. She's perfect."
Like Soyoung 2.0? That's what Hyukjae kind of wants to ask, to tease Donghae with.
"She's the type of girl I could easily see with you," Donghae adds, serious puppy dog eyes and all. "Only if I didn't already have her, you know. She's mine." He inhales deeply and falls back against the bed, one arm open and one against his chest. Rhythmic rising, breathing. "And she's a great dancer, she goes to a ballet school. Like that girl from Explorers of the Human Body."
"The one who liked you," Hyukjae pauses, "and then left you for Heechul-hyung?"
Donghae clutches his heart like they're shooting for It's You again. "Ah, why bring up such painful memories, Hyuk? This one won't leave me for Heechul-hyung, not this time."
"She must be special." He hides the strain in his voice. There's no reason for him to feel this way, anyway.
Whatever he's going through isn't special enough, and he should be fine-he should feel just fine.
"Of course she is." Donghae doesn't know why he sounds so defensive.
"I always liked you," Donghae chuckles, almost giggles. The bottle of soju in his hand must have loosened his tongue into a state where anything goes, more than usual with Hyukjae.
"Really?" As if it weren't obvious the way they used to sneak kisses from everyone when they were younger, dwindling down to what everyone called just fanservice as they got older and wiser. At least in public.
The cuddling and casual arms are all they have left of what might have been, although they do less of that because of the ring. The one on Donghae's finger. Sometimes Hyukjae forgets that it doesn't mean he's married no, but the weight it carries is significant, and blaring. Look at me, look at me.
Donghae is nodding, his head looming near Hyukjae's shoulder. "I've always liked you," he says again. "Probably more than I should."
He's not sure why, but Hyukjae doesn't feel like it's the soju talking, in all truth. Maybe Donghae only had a few sips, he's not sure, he didn't count. Right about now, he wants to tell him what's real: that he's always liked Donghae, too.
A declaration like this owns the major potential to stir up trouble, and it's not something that either of them want when Donghae has a lady to call his own. "Oh."
"I can't believe I just told you that."
"Well, there was that thing before-" Hyukjae claws at his mind, words, words. "When we used to-" he points back and forth between lips. Donghae gets it.
"Right. You're right. So I guess it wasn't…too much of a surprise?"
There's a lump that won't stop building up in Hyukjae's throat, no matter how many times he tries to gulp it away. "It wasn't."
"Okay. Good."
"I've-well-always liked you, too, though," he nearly chokes on his own tongue. Everything else thinks of saying gets filtered into empty air, so he stays quiet.
"That much I could figure out," Donghae sits up, eying Hyukjae as he stays horizontal on his bed. "I had a feeling."
"Oh."
If Donghae were to ask: how do you feel now?
Hyukjae thinks he might not answer at all. Reason, because Donghae is meant to be a father-he's meant to be a husband to a lovely wife with long hair and pretty fingers, with a nose and pair of eyes they'd want to pass on to the children when it comes to the gene pool. One girl and one boy, in whatever order. Maybe three kids if they wanted to, and if Donghae's job is stable enough, or if she wants to work, too. Hyukjae sees Donghae's life when he looks up into his friend's face. He's not only realizing it now, but he's almost always known that this should only be his friend, his best friend, and anything else is taboo.
He feels horrible when his hand ends up on the back of Donghae's head, but at least he can blame his best friend for the initiation of lips to lips. They carry on for minutes on end, the faintest trace of alcohol on their tongues, their soju bottles forgotten.
One of them gets pinned to the bed, but neither of them are really aware of themselves anymore. Donghae's hand might have trailed his hand up Hyukjae's t-shirt, but when they stop, Donghae's hand is covering his face. His eyes are wet, he hunches over and bottles it up inside. Hyukjae curls up into a ball and waits until the door is shut and he's alone again.
They don't speak for days. Donghae takes her out every night and comes back a little after midnight. After a week, they sigh and make up with each other. But the damage is already done, as they say, and nothing that follows is the same.
"When we each have our own kids, we should have them hang out," Hyukjae says, chewing on Ryeowook's pancakes that morning.
Donghae turns the next page of a magazine borrowed from Heechul. "Of course. They'll be best friends, too." What he doesn't say is: they'll turn out better than we did.
Time freeze.
A little girl skips across the camera screen and down the hall, her socks are white with a single blue stripe around the top that stops before her ruffled skirt begins. Her smile copies her father's, the six-year-old version of a gummy grin that gets everyone's hearts. The camera loves her. Her brother is three, and he bops along at his mommy's side so that he won't trip, holding her hand every step of the way.
There's a four-year-old waiting with his own daddy at the room they're looking for. His fingers are digging into the hem of the man's pants, but loosen up when the girl reaches him and hugs him tight, like Mickey would at Disney World. Neither of them have ever been, though, but they have secret plans to convince their parents.
Their fathers exchange hugs that are just as tight as the children's, maybe tighter from the years they've spent together-how far they've come. The girl's mother hugs the other father as well, "It's been a while, oppa." And she squeals as quietly as she can when her eyes land on his wife and the newborn, the reason for any of them being at a hospital maternity ward in the first place. "Oh, Minhye!" her face fills with joy.
The first father uses a glance at his friend for permission to film, gaining a yes with a nod. The four-year-old boy is hanging onto the six-year-old girl. On the other side is the youngest, minus the newborn who can merely cry or giggle or wave his little fists around when he wants. A boy.
In a way, they are simply one large family. There'd been a time for the fathers before any of this had been in existence where they had a chance to make a picture like this almost their own, together. Biology would render certain facts impossible under the same condition as what's real now, but the general idea had been safe and sound. Never happened, though.
The girl, the six-year-old, her name is Chaeyeon. She gives her best smile to the four-year-old, his name is Seunghae. All gums and teeth when she laughs, and to Seunghae, she is perfect.
Time: unfreeze.
There's a mother and baby on screen, and a different mother's arm is in the camera's view. Daddy never worked out with daddy the way they wanted, the regrets will always be there, but not in the faces of their children. Time never can freeze long enough to give back chances. Time can never truly freeze in the first place.
--
please excuse that ending >_<
this fic kinda has a soundtrack that i was listening to whilst writing:
Time, Please Stop - Davichi (main song) -- edit: i feel this amazing live needs to be shared, & here are the lyrics/translation
Trouble - Coldplay
New American Classic - Taking Back Sunday
Kimi no Yoru, Boku ni Dake Kurenai ka - The Babys
Y (Why…) - Zhang Liyin
Rating: pg
Summary: prompt - Hyukjae thinks that maybe after all, Donghae is meant to be a father.
Note: for catskilt ! her prompt has led me to one of the longest oneshots i've done in a while :) i hope this is satisfactory orz
Word count: 4472
Stopping Time
Hyukjae catches Donghae in his room, slouched against the wall with a phone against his ear and his eyes glistening with something easily recognizable as tears. All he finds himself capable of doing is standing there, staring into his best friend's face as he stares back but speaks into his phone, to someone else.
"Boy or girl?" he asks, but not to Hyukjae. From where he's standing, Hyukjae can hear what only sounds like a mumble on the other end of the phone. Donghae puts his hand to his mouth and covers a smile on his face. Hyukjae's pretty sure his heart just twitched in a way it shouldn't have. "What's her name?"
There's barely a reason behind it, but Hyukjae can't seem to pull himself from the doorway to enter the hall once more and leave Donghae in whatever emotion he's feeling. Even if it is quite clearly a private matter. Perhaps it's his internal desire as a friend to know what's happening, to soothe pain or rejoice with him-that was a smile after all. It's been their own nature to be in each other's faces more than what may be socially acceptable, but it's never stopped them.
The worry brewing within Hyukjae's chest dies when Donghae is smiling even brighter, laughing into the phone and his conversation ends not long after he says, "I'll come visit as soon as I can, hyung."
And it feels as if Donghae's only just hung up his cell as soon as his arms around around Hyukjae, lifting him off the ground for a nanosecond. It takes Hyukjae a moment to put two and two together and realize that Donghae is now an uncle.
"Her name is Jangmi," Donghae says at dinner, and for a second, Hyukjae thinks that Leeteuk is going to cry. Now Leeteuk is pining, he wants to get married probably more than anyone at this table-more than Donghae, maybe even more than Shindong (the Guy Who Actually Is Getting Married). "Hyung sent me a picture."
Normally Teukie-hyung's 'no phones at dinner unless there's an emergency' rule would come into play here, but this is special. It isn't an emergency, but who can give up the chance to see a baby? Really.
This is Super Junior, it wouldn't be them if they weren't enthusiastic over small children, especially ranging from newborns to four-year-olds named Jung Yoogeun but only two of them had been present for the aired Yoogeun meet-and-greet earlier this year. Hyukjae had been one of them, heck, he'd even held the kiddo.
What he wouldn't give to hold another kid like that, maybe it could be his next time, just maybe. But he'd have to find a woman first, a good one, and stop yearning for his best friend, too. It's weird.
"Oh," Leeteuk clutches his chest, like an old man in shock. Ryeowook twitches like he's ready to catch him if he tumbles over. "She's so beautiful."
"Isn't she?" Donghae is beaming. He's never looked this way before, ever. This is a sign, a sign that can be taken as marvelous, or maybe a little bit heart-tearing. This could go either way. "I've got a complete day off next Saturday-" their day off, together, the one they'd fought for so that they could have lunch together and maybe waste time at a video game store, "-and by then noona and Donghwa-hyung should be home with the baby. So I'm going to visit her."
"That's great," their leader says. Everyone else has full mouths.
Heechul pinches Donghae's cheek without explaining a motive, chewing slowly. If they all didn't happen to be so tired form their schedules today, they'd probably be bouncing up and down, bouncing in Donghae's face, hugging Donghae without forcing him to. This is exciting, Hyukjae repeats in his head. Because it is. It is.
The look on Donghae's face should be enough to make him happy. He can't figure out why he hasn't convinced himself.
It takes Hyukjae three days to figure out where it's gone. The discovery is due to Donghae, as expected. They're going from a recording on some variety show that's already blurring in Hyukjae's mind to a place where the two of them plus Minho plus Leeteuk plus Sungmin can eat dinner. The words slip from Donghae's mouth as easily as discarded water, like spitting it out, only it flows. "I can't wait to be a father."
"Hyung, you'll make a great one," Minho pats his shoulder.
Leeteuk grins. "I'll be better." And they all laugh.
"Is that a challenge?"
"Should we make a challenge out of it?"
Donghae is smirking, innocently in his own way that only Lee Donghae can manage.
Next week, Donghae is going to meet Jangmi. He's taking Hyukjae with him. Hyukjae isn't fully sure why he's been invited, too, perhaps it's the 'best friend' tags they've been proudly sporting in public all these years. That must be it.
There's a pretty girl with dyed chocolate brown hair outside the restaurant, a cell phone in her hands and a pout on her face. She's far from unattractive. Donghae makes eye contact, and he gets to see her grin politely at him while he does the same back, like the strangers that they are. Hyukjae tries to freeze his smile over something hysterical that Minho just said.
He could just be overreacting, he reasons this with himself when he sits down at Leeteuk's side. The girl from outside comes in a few minutes after with two people, a male friend, and a female friend. Hyukjae doesn't listen to their conversation, but she has a nice laugh.
Donghae, however, appears to be listening while nodding deceivingly to the others as they talk. Their waitress is what pulls Hyukjae's eyes away from the top of Donghae's head, the pattern of follicles. Familiar.
Hyukjae doesn't order alcohol when asked what he'd like to drink this evening, he's not in the mood. Leeteuk seems proud of him. No one goes home drunk that night, they bring Minho home without a single mishap. They're all on their best behavior, and it feels foreign.
They don't get to visit Jangmi next week after all. A conflict comes up in Donghae's schedule, right in the way of his formerly free Saturday, and their trip is delayed. Hyukjae is sitting at his side when Donghae calls his brother to tell him that he won't be able to make it for a while.
How long is a while, Donghae-yah? Hyukjae can hear the question, and he pulls the pillow wrapped in his arms tighter against his chest, putting on his best pouting face. As if Donghwa-hyung could actually see them. Well, if they used the video feature, then he could see it, and he could see the look of regret on Donghae's face, even when there is nothing to regret. There is next to nothing he can do about schedules. It's not his fault in the first place.
"I'll let you know when I can, okay, hyung?" he sighs. "I'm sorry, tell Soyoung-noona I'm sorry, too. And-and Jangmi-ah. Tell her I'm coming to see her as soon as I can. Please?"
Of course. She'll love you, I know she will.
Everyone loves Donghae, Hyukjae thinks. It's hard not to at least take a liking to him. Jangmi will adore him.
That Saturday is still open for Hyukjae, but now he's not sure what to do. A little while after Donghae hangs up with "I love you, hyung," Hyukjae thinks that while Donghae is busy, he'll take his sister out for breakfast, he'll buy her something nice.
Their simpler life had started out with Hi, I'm Eunhyuk and I'm Donghae! but that's when their arms had been twigs and their faces were ones that belonged to sweet young men with dreams. And innocent, that's what they'd been.
Innocence was a nice thing to have, towing along at their sides when the twelve of them at the time had been ushered into a room to talk about their future. Twelve became thirteen only a few days before Donghae kissed Hyukjae on the cheek when they were alone in a rehearsal room.
Hyukjae's face had turned red, and his ears followed along in the same hue. That was when their life was still simple. Complications barely peeked at the two of them from the shadows; it wasn't time yet for them to come out.
They didn't talk much about wives and babies at that time. But they talked about other things, like babes with nice legs and which girl trainees were the prettiest. Which ones they'd like to ask out when they had enough courage. Hyukjae almost forgot about the kiss.
Then again, it wasn't something that would go away easily. Because it happened again. Only this time, Donghae's aim failed and landed straight on the lips of his "best friend".
Mistakes happen?
"She's really pretty, hyung."
Hyukjae passes by Heechul's room one morning, the taste of minty toothpaste hasn't yet reached to his mouth on account of the bathroom being closer to Heechul's room than his own. He's on his way when his attention latches onto a new conversation.
"Oh?" Heechul sounds completely enthused-if enthused means that his eyes are in a magazine while he uses Donghae's back as a footrest. "Anyone we know?"
"No, but she kinda looks like T-Ara's Eunjung."
The sound of a page turning, and ripping a bit at he corner. Flimsy thing. "You get her phone number?"
He doesn't stop walking, though, and makes it to the bathroom in a few more seconds.
"Yeah. I'm taking her for Chinese food tonight…"
Hyukjae doesn't hear the rest, the sound of toothbrush bristles scrubbing against his teeth and Sungmin gargling bubblegum-scented mouthwash starts muting everything else when Hyukjae lets it.
Donghae goes to Thailand with Siwon, Hyukjae spends a lot of time with the other people in his life. The other ones that also hold the title of important. The Donghae-Hyukjae-neice visit is further delayed, much to both of their dismay.
A letter comes in the mail that's different from all the other fan-written ones they periodically receive. Signed with a scent of lavender and delicate handwriting on the front, for Donghae. Leeteuk asks Hyukjae to keep it in a safe place for when Donghae gets back, and to tell him. Like Hyukjae is the best messenger for the job. Then again, when it comes to Donghae, he pretty much is.
He goes into Donghae's room and puts the letter underneath his pillow. Safe enough. No one is going to take it, he's sure, but he comes in and checks for it that night before he goes to bed, and then the next morning once again. Still there.
The day after Donghae comes back from Thailand, he puts the letter in his bag as they head out to meet the baby girl after all this time. Donghae is anxious to see her, but he calms himself by people with Hyukjae on the way there.
Donghwa is the one who answers the doorbell, encasing his little brother in his arms as an immediate greeting. Hyukjae's smile isn't fake or frozen, because this couldn't possibly bring a frown to anyone's face.
"She's sleeping right now, but I was just about to make Soyoung lunch, want to help? As soon as Jangmi wakes up, I'm sure Soyoung will let you hold her," he laughs towards both of them.
Hyukjae hopes he can be one of those partaking in the holding mission. After all, he's held Yoogeun-but once he thinks about it, Yoogeun has had four years to gain a better durability than a baby that's only month old. He thinks back to We Got Married, with Alex, and those four babies. His fist closes in determination, he can handle this.
Donghae's smile is permanent, like it's been painted on, and its enhanced strength puts a grin on Hyukjae's face, too. They help Donghwa thought lunch like this, and the small TV in the corner of the counter is broadcasting the news, muted so that the baby monitor next to it would be able to speak first. Donghae is in the middle of throwing a chunk of rice towards the v-neck Hyukjae is wearing when he freezes and hears a small gargling noise from the monitor's speaker. Donghwa's face brightens as the three of them hear Soyoung's voice, cooing at what they can assume is Jangmi and her tiny noises, her soft cry.
Hyukjae can see a future in Donghae's eyes, a future that isn't his own yet.
The baby, in her mother's arms, makes an appearance about ten minutes later, Soyoung's hair looks as if she made her best attempt to force herself into a presentable state for her brother-in-law and his best friend. Everything about her screams Simple Yet Absolutely Beautiful, and Hyukjae recalls that Donghae had once proclaimed to him of how jealous he used to be of his hyung. Although not necessarily of his hyung having Soyoung, but jealous of having a girlfriend-now wife-like her.
She's perfect, without needing to have reached perfection. "That's deep," he remembers saying when the two of them talked about it. Not long after, they'd spent an evening underneath a blanket, dangerously close as they talked out their fears.
"I just fed her," says Soyoung, rubbing her daughter's back.
"Well, now her mama needs to get fed."
Donghae watches Donghwa feed his wife a bit of what's on the spoon, after blowing on it for her. So corny-although neither he nor Hyukjae could lie to themselves by saying they wouldn't ever want something like that. It's a cute little picture they're both hoping for, in reality.
But suddenly Donghae has a baby in his arms and he's concentrating hard so he won't drop her, so he won't hurt her.
He wants to show the people around him that he is going to be a good uncle to Jangmi, and that he'll be a good father to whatever mini-hims his future wife will pop out in however many years. Hyukjae reads it all in his face, he can see a family in Donghae's eyes this time. A family that isn't his own yet, and one that isn't Hyukjae's either. The difference is that it isn't Hyukjae's to own, ever.
Jangmi spits up on her uncle's shoulder, and Soyoung covers her mouth when she giggles, while Donghwa lets it all out and keels over for a moment. Hyukjae smacks Donghae's clean shoulder as playfully as he can while Donghae gives them all an amused smile. He laughs with them, his mouth wide open in its high volume, but he doesn't seem perturbed at all. His entire face is as bright as ever.
Because Donghae is meant to be a father, always has been, even if being an uncle has to come first. It's a lovely start.
Before they left, they took a picture of the two of them with Jangmi. Them sitting on the couch, Donghae holding her, and Hyukjae leaning close, putting his arm a little so that his thumb rests against Jangmi's fragile wrist.
They go down the stairs together as Donghae sends him the picture on his phone and then to another. Hyukjae wants to ask who it is, but doesn't want to be convicted of sticking his nose in Donghae's business. Though it's a fact that they should be used to it. He doesn't know why it feels out of place of him to ask now, so he keeps the question to himself. "I wonder what's for dinner tonight," he muses instead.
Hyukjae wonders why Donghae hasn't told him anything yet. About the girl. Because he knows there's a girl. He's passed by Heechul's room to get to the bathroom every morning, and on most of those mornings, Donghae is recalling some cute story about her cute nose or her cute fingernails to their hyung.
It's kind of creepy, but it's sweet, in a strange way. Hyukjae remembers a time when he wanted a girl with cute fingernails, and maybe one who wouldn't mind the smell of his dirty laundry that badly. He thinks maybe he still wants one, but then catches Donghae padding into the bathroom behind him a few minutes later. Hyukjae spits into the sink bowl and Donghae makes him stay to talk about dreams through toothpaste foam.
Hyukjae is half listening, half gazing at Donghae's profile. He pretends he's still too tired when Donghae asks why he isn't paying attention. And he also repeats the part about Henry turning into a hamster and battling the Ryeowook bunny over the city of Tokyo-all a dream, thankfully-and Donghae is pleased.
He still wonders why Donghae hasn't mentioned this girl to his face yet. Donghae switches hands while brushing, and something on his finger glints in Hyukjae's eye. A ring.
It takes him a while to get used to it, the ring. Usually things like this are only on members' fingers as decoration. Style. But this doesn't look like one of those simple ornament moments to Hyukjae, not at all. Evidence points elsewhere, towards a girl who looks like T-Ara's Eunjung that Hyukjae actually hasn't even seen so how would he know if Donghae is actually right on that one or if he's just imagining things because hey, Ham Eunjung is quite the attractive young lady.
Hyukjae realizes it's been two and a half months before Donghae tells him.. He's aching to know why it's taken so long for the subject to come up into his direct line of vision, not off at the sidelines in Heechul's face. Donghae half shoves a photo of the two of them making v-signs at the camera, his other arm seems to be around her waist.
"She's," Hyukjae looks for the best word that hopefully won't sound like he might be lusting after her in secret, which he definitely is not, "gorgeous." It still doesn't feel like the right choice, but that's the best he can muster up.
"We'll make such cute babies someday."
"That's weird. Don't say that."
"What? It's true! You think she's gorgeous, and I know you like my face so why wouldn't we?"
Hyukjae rolls his eyes and glances again at the picture he's been shown. Of course, Donghae has a good point. But has it been obvious that Hyukjae likes Donghae's face, or is he just saying things out of the blue that happen to be completely correct? He's not sure, it could go either way. "How long have you been with her again?" It doesn't sound right saying it, being 'with her'.
"Two and a half months," Donghae says, like it's nothing. To Hyukjae, it's everything. "I know you're thinking I'm rushing things-but I'm just, you know, daydreaming. Don't you do that, too? You see a girl you're interested in and think that hm, you could be happily married to her someday. She could have your babies."
"Yeah. I have. I've been like that." Not a lie.
"I just get that way with her sometimes. She's perfect."
Like Soyoung 2.0? That's what Hyukjae kind of wants to ask, to tease Donghae with.
"She's the type of girl I could easily see with you," Donghae adds, serious puppy dog eyes and all. "Only if I didn't already have her, you know. She's mine." He inhales deeply and falls back against the bed, one arm open and one against his chest. Rhythmic rising, breathing. "And she's a great dancer, she goes to a ballet school. Like that girl from Explorers of the Human Body."
"The one who liked you," Hyukjae pauses, "and then left you for Heechul-hyung?"
Donghae clutches his heart like they're shooting for It's You again. "Ah, why bring up such painful memories, Hyuk? This one won't leave me for Heechul-hyung, not this time."
"She must be special." He hides the strain in his voice. There's no reason for him to feel this way, anyway.
Whatever he's going through isn't special enough, and he should be fine-he should feel just fine.
"Of course she is." Donghae doesn't know why he sounds so defensive.
"I always liked you," Donghae chuckles, almost giggles. The bottle of soju in his hand must have loosened his tongue into a state where anything goes, more than usual with Hyukjae.
"Really?" As if it weren't obvious the way they used to sneak kisses from everyone when they were younger, dwindling down to what everyone called just fanservice as they got older and wiser. At least in public.
The cuddling and casual arms are all they have left of what might have been, although they do less of that because of the ring. The one on Donghae's finger. Sometimes Hyukjae forgets that it doesn't mean he's married no, but the weight it carries is significant, and blaring. Look at me, look at me.
Donghae is nodding, his head looming near Hyukjae's shoulder. "I've always liked you," he says again. "Probably more than I should."
He's not sure why, but Hyukjae doesn't feel like it's the soju talking, in all truth. Maybe Donghae only had a few sips, he's not sure, he didn't count. Right about now, he wants to tell him what's real: that he's always liked Donghae, too.
A declaration like this owns the major potential to stir up trouble, and it's not something that either of them want when Donghae has a lady to call his own. "Oh."
"I can't believe I just told you that."
"Well, there was that thing before-" Hyukjae claws at his mind, words, words. "When we used to-" he points back and forth between lips. Donghae gets it.
"Right. You're right. So I guess it wasn't…too much of a surprise?"
There's a lump that won't stop building up in Hyukjae's throat, no matter how many times he tries to gulp it away. "It wasn't."
"Okay. Good."
"I've-well-always liked you, too, though," he nearly chokes on his own tongue. Everything else thinks of saying gets filtered into empty air, so he stays quiet.
"That much I could figure out," Donghae sits up, eying Hyukjae as he stays horizontal on his bed. "I had a feeling."
"Oh."
If Donghae were to ask: how do you feel now?
Hyukjae thinks he might not answer at all. Reason, because Donghae is meant to be a father-he's meant to be a husband to a lovely wife with long hair and pretty fingers, with a nose and pair of eyes they'd want to pass on to the children when it comes to the gene pool. One girl and one boy, in whatever order. Maybe three kids if they wanted to, and if Donghae's job is stable enough, or if she wants to work, too. Hyukjae sees Donghae's life when he looks up into his friend's face. He's not only realizing it now, but he's almost always known that this should only be his friend, his best friend, and anything else is taboo.
He feels horrible when his hand ends up on the back of Donghae's head, but at least he can blame his best friend for the initiation of lips to lips. They carry on for minutes on end, the faintest trace of alcohol on their tongues, their soju bottles forgotten.
One of them gets pinned to the bed, but neither of them are really aware of themselves anymore. Donghae's hand might have trailed his hand up Hyukjae's t-shirt, but when they stop, Donghae's hand is covering his face. His eyes are wet, he hunches over and bottles it up inside. Hyukjae curls up into a ball and waits until the door is shut and he's alone again.
They don't speak for days. Donghae takes her out every night and comes back a little after midnight. After a week, they sigh and make up with each other. But the damage is already done, as they say, and nothing that follows is the same.
"When we each have our own kids, we should have them hang out," Hyukjae says, chewing on Ryeowook's pancakes that morning.
Donghae turns the next page of a magazine borrowed from Heechul. "Of course. They'll be best friends, too." What he doesn't say is: they'll turn out better than we did.
Time freeze.
A little girl skips across the camera screen and down the hall, her socks are white with a single blue stripe around the top that stops before her ruffled skirt begins. Her smile copies her father's, the six-year-old version of a gummy grin that gets everyone's hearts. The camera loves her. Her brother is three, and he bops along at his mommy's side so that he won't trip, holding her hand every step of the way.
There's a four-year-old waiting with his own daddy at the room they're looking for. His fingers are digging into the hem of the man's pants, but loosen up when the girl reaches him and hugs him tight, like Mickey would at Disney World. Neither of them have ever been, though, but they have secret plans to convince their parents.
Their fathers exchange hugs that are just as tight as the children's, maybe tighter from the years they've spent together-how far they've come. The girl's mother hugs the other father as well, "It's been a while, oppa." And she squeals as quietly as she can when her eyes land on his wife and the newborn, the reason for any of them being at a hospital maternity ward in the first place. "Oh, Minhye!" her face fills with joy.
The first father uses a glance at his friend for permission to film, gaining a yes with a nod. The four-year-old boy is hanging onto the six-year-old girl. On the other side is the youngest, minus the newborn who can merely cry or giggle or wave his little fists around when he wants. A boy.
In a way, they are simply one large family. There'd been a time for the fathers before any of this had been in existence where they had a chance to make a picture like this almost their own, together. Biology would render certain facts impossible under the same condition as what's real now, but the general idea had been safe and sound. Never happened, though.
The girl, the six-year-old, her name is Chaeyeon. She gives her best smile to the four-year-old, his name is Seunghae. All gums and teeth when she laughs, and to Seunghae, she is perfect.
Time: unfreeze.
There's a mother and baby on screen, and a different mother's arm is in the camera's view. Daddy never worked out with daddy the way they wanted, the regrets will always be there, but not in the faces of their children. Time never can freeze long enough to give back chances. Time can never truly freeze in the first place.
--
please excuse that ending >_<
this fic kinda has a soundtrack that i was listening to whilst writing:
Time, Please Stop - Davichi (main song) -- edit: i feel this amazing live needs to be shared, & here are the lyrics/translation
Trouble - Coldplay
New American Classic - Taking Back Sunday
Kimi no Yoru, Boku ni Dake Kurenai ka - The Babys
Y (Why…) - Zhang Liyin