Fic: The Dead Can Live (part 11 of 14)
Marcus woke early and rose immediately, taking some bread and wandering off to sit beside the stream that made up the southern and eastern boundaries of the farm. The sun was not yet fully risen, a pale wash of light illuminating the horizon to the east but he wanted to be away from the farmhouse and he wanted to avoid seeing Esca and Trenus for as long as possible. The image of the two of them together in the barn the night before still refused to leave him no matter how he tried to distract himself and he despaired of ever feeling relief from the deep ache in his chest.
If only he had never gone to see Lucilia, then Esca and Trenus would not have been left alone on the farm together. If only he had come home sooner, he would have been able to talk to Esca and tell him everything that he had been ready to say before Esca had retired to the barn to spill his seed over Trenus’s skin. Perhaps it had already been too late. Marcus wondered if they had begun seeking solace in each other’s arms on previous nights, as he had lain in his own bed torturing himself with that very thought. Had they been rekindling their past love in the barn that first night on the farm? Had they done so at Uncle Aquila’s villa after Trenus had been purchased? Marcus’s head was full of so many questions, the answers to which would bring him no comfort even if he could ask. He had practically driven Esca into the arms of another for it had been inevitable - Esca was young and healthy and once Marcus had rejected him, he could not have been expected to remain chaste for the rest of his days. This was simply one more thing for Marcus to add to the list of his failings.
When the sun had cleared the horizon Marcus managed to rouse himself and give some thought to the day ahead. There was work to be done. He had neglected his duties enough with his pointless visits to see Lucilia and there was little to be gained from sitting by the stream feeling sorry for himself, attempting to make plans for a future he could not envisage beyond the present moment. He began to trudge wearily back towards the house and the little group of outbuildings, noticing on the way that someone was already leading the two horses they kept for riding out into the pasture. It was Trenus and the very sight of him filled Marcus with jealousy. Oh, that he had never heard of the slave in Placidus’s possession, that he had never gone to Calleva and paved the way for Trenus to re-enter Esca’s life.
Marcus looked around as he continued on his way but there was no sign of Esca and at the thought of that familiar form, that beloved face, his breath hitched and the ache in his chest was pierced by a sharp stab. He would have to face him soon enough and although it would be difficult, it could not be avoided. Might as well do it now.
He set off towards the barn, hoping to find Esca there but as he walked past the stable Marcus heard a yelp and the sound of a scolding voice. He stopped at the entrance and looked in to where Esca was attempting to check Agilis’s hooves.
“Try to bite me again and I will ask Marcus to sell you.”
Despite the reproach in his voice Esca began laughing and the sound made Marcus smile before he remembered the last time he had heard that laugh, as Esca had writhed naked and eager on top of Trenus in the barn.
“You would never allow me to sell him,” he murmured. “You are too fond of him.”
Esca stopped what he was doing and looked up, letting go of Agilis’s forelock and standing upright, batting away the horse’s muzzle as Agilis once more tried to express his displeasure at having his hooves touched.
“You were gone early this morning,” he said. “I thought perhaps you had returned to our neighbour’s.”
“No.” Marcus shook his head. “I could not sleep and I wanted to be away from the house.”
“I expect Manlius is delighted with your betrothal to Lucilia. He likes you and now he will have something new to talk about at all his dinner parties. The great and the good in the area can be regaled with tales of the excellent match his most sensible and unexciting daughter has made.”
Bowing his head at Esca’s unkind words, Marcus closed his eyes and felt his chest tighten but he took a deep, steadying breath and blew it out slowly, rebuking himself for being afraid to speak.
“Lucilia is a far better woman than many men would deserve,” he said, each word a huge effort as he willed his voice not to crack, “but there is no betrothal.”
“I don’t understand.” When Marcus opened his eyes again Esca was frowning as he wiped his hands on his tunic. “I thought you intended to ask Manlius for her hand.”
“I did.”
“Then what happened?”
“I did not speak to Manlius,” Marcus admitted, “and if you see him, I would ask that neither you nor Trenus ever mention my intentions to him. Lucilia will tell him nothing and I have no wish to trouble her more than I have done already with my selfishness.”
“But I don’t understand,” Esca said again, genuinely confused. “Did you change your mind?”
“Lucilia did not want me to ask him. She, quite rightly, pointed out that I do not love her nor does she love me and therefore she felt a marriage would not be of benefit to either of us. She was right.”
“So what will you do now?”
“What I should have done right from the start,” Marcus said. “I will work hard and build up the farm and try to be content with that. I will not attempt to find another suitable woman to marry. It was folly on my part to think marriage was a solution to my problem.” He met Esca’s eyes. “I know that now.”
Esca’s eyes grew cold and his mouth tightened into a thin line. “I had assumed that all would go well for you and you would be successful in your endeavour. I am sorry your plans did not come to fruition.”
The sharp edge to his voice told otherwise. Unwilling to provoke more anger, Marcus hesitated to tell him of what he had seen, considering that it may be for the best to consign the whole sorry story to the furthest reaches of his soul where it could eat away at him at its leisure. He felt strangely detached though, as if all the different parts of his body were separating and acting independently of each other and before he could stop it his mouth opened and he heard himself speak.
“Once Lucilia and I had discussed the situation and agreed that I was a fool,” he began, “I returned here earlier than I had expected.”
The look on Esca’s face stopped him as he realised that there was no need to say more. For a moment they stood face to face, staring at each other while the thin line of Esca’s mouth disappeared, his lips parted slowly and his eyes widened in quiet horror.
“You saw us,” he whispered.
“I came looking for you,” Marcus admitted. “I thought at first you had gone but I saw your bow in the house and so I came to the barn to speak with you.”
Esca’s lips moved but no sound came from them, certainly not the accusations of spying and proportioning of blame that Marcus had expected.
“Did you lie with him to teach me a lesson?”
“No, Marcus.” Esca took a step forward until Marcus could have reached out and touched him had he any right to still do such a thing and when he spoke there was no mockery or taunting. “Is that really what you think? That I would use Trenus in such a way? He wished to feel the arms of a friend around him, to seek pleasure from someone who he chose to lie with of his own free will. He wanted to feel the intimate touch of one who cared for him.” There was a moment of silence before he spoke again, quietly, gently, sadly. “As did I.”
Marcus nodded his head in understanding, forcing away the humiliating sting of tears gathering behind his eyes.
“How did it come to this?” Esca asked him. “We had everything we needed to be happy.”
“I am sorry, Esca,” Marcus said, his voice rough from emotion and fatigue. “We had everything we needed except for my courage. I failed us both.”
At his admission a sudden surge of anger seemed to engulf Esca and he pushed past Marcus, leaving him in the stable with Agilis who looked at him balefully with large, limpid eyes.
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For several more days the three men worked together on the farm from sunrise until sunset, ploughing the land and sowing the seeds that would grow into crops for their own use and to sell for profit, stopping only to sleep and to eat. Esca and Trenus still slept in the barn every night but there was no repeat of that one time they had rutted together to achieve release. The knowledge that Marcus had seen them hung over Esca like a blanket of sorrow and although he did not tell Trenus, his old friend knew him well enough to understand that any attempt to repeat such actions would not currently be welcomed. They lay close however and sometimes they would wake in the mornings huddled together having sought each other out in their sleep for warmth and comfort.
Life on the once happy farm was stifled by gloom and Esca began to wonder how long they could continue. He often saw Marcus favouring his leg as they worked and although no mention was ever made of it, he could tell that Marcus was hiding his pain, not wishing to admit to his discomfort and Esca was once more torn by conflicting emotions. It wounded him to see Marcus retreat back to the quiet, forlorn man without hope that he had been when Esca had met him first but still, a part of him wanted to be glad to see how Marcus’s pride and broken promises had come back to haunt him. Trenus meanwhile became restless and would often stare off into the distance as if he wished to be away from the confines of the farm, roaming freely. Meals in the little farmhouse were taken in either silence or with stilted conversation and had he not been too weighed down by the atmosphere, Esca would have screamed in frustration.
All that consoled him was having the solid presence of Trenus beside him at night but as they lay next to each other after yet another exhausting day of back-breaking labour, Esca could not help but notice how agitated he was.
“You are not happy here,” he said, turning to face Trenus, recognising the wish to escape an intolerable situation. Esca had felt that longing himself when he had been a slave, desperate to be anywhere but where he was “I had hoped that you would find peace here but it will not happen. It cannot. You have regained your freedom only to find yourself caught in the trouble between Marcus and myself.”
Trenus reached out and placed his hand on Esca’s cheek, his thumb gently stroking the skin as he smiled and leaned forward to kiss his forehead lightly.
“I have always wanted nothing more than for you to be happy and I cannot bear to see you in such despair. You still care for Marcus, I can see it in the way you look at him despite everything that has happened. You cannot decide whether you want to give in to your anger or your heart.”
“Every time I want to forgive him, I am reminded of his betrayal and every time I think of his betrayal, I am reminded of what drew me to him in the first place.”
“Now that he has decided against marrying,” Trenus asked, “what will you do?”
“I do not know,” Esca admitted with a sigh. “All I know is that we cannot continue as we are, all three of us miserable and working ourselves to the bone to distract our minds.”
Trenus nodded and looked away as if he wished to say something that he was unsure Esca would want to hear.
“You know that Marcus told me he had no wish to keep me here if I did not want to stay,” he said finally.
“Will you leave then?”
Trenus sat up and looked down at Esca earnestly, the light from the lantern reflecting in his eyes and making them appear to dance in his face.
“Come with me,” he said. “Let us leave this place and find somewhere else to call home. A new place where there are no Romans. Perhaps we could survive north of the wall, with the Selgovae. When you told me of your adventures with Marcus, you said they took the surviving men from his father’s legion into their homes so why not you and me?”
Such a thought was not new to Esca’s mind for he had often thought of leaving the farm since he had been told of Marcus’s intention to marry but to hear Trenus speak the words aloud, he was filled with sudden apprehension.
“What if they did not?” he replied. “I have no wish to venture into the north and find myself running for my life again.”
“Would you rather remain here in despair or would you rather be free, truly free?” Trenus spoke with such passion that it was difficult not to be swept along on the current and Esca was briefly reminded of occasions in their childhood where Trenus would encourage him into all sorts of mischief. “We are Brigantes,” he continued. “We have no fight with the Selgovae. They have no reason to shun us.”
“That is true.” Esca could feel his emotions warring within him, anticipation chipping away at his misgivings. “Perhaps such a thing would not be impossible.”
“Of course it would not be impossible. And it would not be our only option. Marcus said he would provide assistance if I wished to leave, he will hardly go back on his word and leave us destitute if you come with me. We could find somewhere, I know we could. Perhaps we could look for more of our people. They must be out there for there were many other chieftains apart from your father. Just think, Esca. We could once more be true Brigantes, free from Rome.”
Trenus was right. The Brigantes had been numerous, spread far and wide across the land and they would not all have been taken into slavery. Some would have escaped and they could search for them, live amongst their own once more, maybe gather together a small tribe of their own. Perhaps he could one day even reclaim his birthright and be chieftain after all. Suddenly a multitude of possibilities began to push their way into Esca’s head but in the midst of all the new options that seemed open to him, he remembered Marcus and his growing resolve faltered.
“When will you go?” he asked.
“As soon as I can for I cannot bear this. We are no longer slaves Esca and I do not wish to live under the roof of a Roman if I do not have to.”
“I will give it thought,” he assured Trenus. “I promise you that I will but I must speak to Marcus first. I will not make such a decision without letting him know that I may leave. I have had enough of the trouble that falseness can bring.”
“I understand but please, do not linger too long over this. I cannot stay here. Even if things were better between you and Marcus and you were happy, I could not stay. I do not belong here.”
Esca watched as Trenus laid down and pulled the furs tightly around himself, settling in so that they were once more lying face to face.
“When I returned from the north with Marcus,” he mumbled, his eyes heavy and sleep beginning to embrace him, “he told me that I could decide our future. This farm was my choice, my dream. To work the land and watch the fields yield crops every year and know that my work had brought about the harvests. Marcus shared that dream. I will not make this decision lightly but whatever decision I make, I will honour.”
“I would expect nothing less,” Trenus said kindly. “Now sleep, my friend and may you dream of happier times.”
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Marcus stretched out his leg and dug his fingers deep into the spasming muscles that threatened to render him useless at least for the entire morning. He would have to be quick for Esca and Trenus would be awake soon and joining him in the farmhouse to eat and he did not want them to know. He had grown tired recently of the sting of humiliation as his many weaknesses had been displayed for all to see.
He rubbed and pressed and finally his leg began to ease enough that he could bear the pain and walk without stumbling as he finished dressing himself and lit a fire. Before long he heard the tramp of heavy footsteps across the yard and both Esca and Trenus arrived to pay their respects and join him at the table.
“The nights are no longer so cold I think,” Esca remarked to him as they ate. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes,” Marcus lied. “I am well rested and ready for another day’s work. Yourselves?”
“Also well rested, thank you,” Trenus replied. “What are your instructions for today?”
Marcus gave his instructions, since it pleased the other two to have him do so then Trenus promptly excused himself, leaving Marcus alone with Esca. Esca was evidently lingering with some purpose in mind for he stood as still and straight as a statue, his hands clasped behind his back and his eyes darting all around, resting everywhere but on Marcus.
“Trenus wishes to leave,” he said suddenly, his voice unnaturally loud in the quiet of the little house.
“I told him when I gave him his freedom that he could leave if he wished,” Marcus replied, his heart beginning to thud as he awaited what else was to come. “This is not unexpected.”
“I know.”
“Then tell him I will do whatever I can to help him on his way.”
Still rooted to the spot Esca gave a curt nod, the expression on his face as hard as stone.
“He has asked me to go with him.”
Marcus felt the last remaining seed of hope in his heart wither and die as those words echoed inside his head.
“And will you?” he asked.
Esca dropped his gaze to his feet.
“I do not know,” he said. “I would ask a favour of you.”
“Anything Esca.” Anything you want, Marcus thought. Just tell me and I will do it. I will kill for you. I will die for you. Just please, do not leave me.
“Would you allow me to forego my work for today and tomorrow? I must decide what to do and I wish to be away from here so I can think clearly.”
Marcus nodded his head, struggling to be able to speak but he knew he had to. If Esca wanted to leave, he would respect his decision no matter how much he wanted to scream and beg and promise things to make him stay but he would not let the man go without adequately expressing his repentance.
“I will not hold you here against your will but neither will I let you leave without telling you this. I regret with all of my heart what I have done. I have caused myself more hurt than those rumours ever could have done and, even worse, I have done the same to you. The consequences of what I have done will bring me sorrow for the remainder of my life but it is not my intention to make you stay out of pity. You have always been the strongest of us, Esca. You will be strong now and you will not allow my words to influence you, I think I can be sure of that. I wish only for you to be happy and if you must leave to find that happiness, you will go with my blessing.”
Esca’s mask of indifference held firm for a moment then he let it slip, just a little.
“I will not make you or Trenus wait,” he said. “I will return by sundown tomorrow at the latest and then you will know my decision.”
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Sundown tomorrow at the latest, he had told Marcus but whether it would take him that long to decide, Esca was uncertain. He took some water and some food for Agilis then he jumped up onto the back of the lumbering old horse and set off from the farm without looking back.
Stay with Marcus or leave with Trenus.
The choice was his to make.
If only he had never gone to see Lucilia, then Esca and Trenus would not have been left alone on the farm together. If only he had come home sooner, he would have been able to talk to Esca and tell him everything that he had been ready to say before Esca had retired to the barn to spill his seed over Trenus’s skin. Perhaps it had already been too late. Marcus wondered if they had begun seeking solace in each other’s arms on previous nights, as he had lain in his own bed torturing himself with that very thought. Had they been rekindling their past love in the barn that first night on the farm? Had they done so at Uncle Aquila’s villa after Trenus had been purchased? Marcus’s head was full of so many questions, the answers to which would bring him no comfort even if he could ask. He had practically driven Esca into the arms of another for it had been inevitable - Esca was young and healthy and once Marcus had rejected him, he could not have been expected to remain chaste for the rest of his days. This was simply one more thing for Marcus to add to the list of his failings.
When the sun had cleared the horizon Marcus managed to rouse himself and give some thought to the day ahead. There was work to be done. He had neglected his duties enough with his pointless visits to see Lucilia and there was little to be gained from sitting by the stream feeling sorry for himself, attempting to make plans for a future he could not envisage beyond the present moment. He began to trudge wearily back towards the house and the little group of outbuildings, noticing on the way that someone was already leading the two horses they kept for riding out into the pasture. It was Trenus and the very sight of him filled Marcus with jealousy. Oh, that he had never heard of the slave in Placidus’s possession, that he had never gone to Calleva and paved the way for Trenus to re-enter Esca’s life.
Marcus looked around as he continued on his way but there was no sign of Esca and at the thought of that familiar form, that beloved face, his breath hitched and the ache in his chest was pierced by a sharp stab. He would have to face him soon enough and although it would be difficult, it could not be avoided. Might as well do it now.
He set off towards the barn, hoping to find Esca there but as he walked past the stable Marcus heard a yelp and the sound of a scolding voice. He stopped at the entrance and looked in to where Esca was attempting to check Agilis’s hooves.
“Try to bite me again and I will ask Marcus to sell you.”
Despite the reproach in his voice Esca began laughing and the sound made Marcus smile before he remembered the last time he had heard that laugh, as Esca had writhed naked and eager on top of Trenus in the barn.
“You would never allow me to sell him,” he murmured. “You are too fond of him.”
Esca stopped what he was doing and looked up, letting go of Agilis’s forelock and standing upright, batting away the horse’s muzzle as Agilis once more tried to express his displeasure at having his hooves touched.
“You were gone early this morning,” he said. “I thought perhaps you had returned to our neighbour’s.”
“No.” Marcus shook his head. “I could not sleep and I wanted to be away from the house.”
“I expect Manlius is delighted with your betrothal to Lucilia. He likes you and now he will have something new to talk about at all his dinner parties. The great and the good in the area can be regaled with tales of the excellent match his most sensible and unexciting daughter has made.”
Bowing his head at Esca’s unkind words, Marcus closed his eyes and felt his chest tighten but he took a deep, steadying breath and blew it out slowly, rebuking himself for being afraid to speak.
“Lucilia is a far better woman than many men would deserve,” he said, each word a huge effort as he willed his voice not to crack, “but there is no betrothal.”
“I don’t understand.” When Marcus opened his eyes again Esca was frowning as he wiped his hands on his tunic. “I thought you intended to ask Manlius for her hand.”
“I did.”
“Then what happened?”
“I did not speak to Manlius,” Marcus admitted, “and if you see him, I would ask that neither you nor Trenus ever mention my intentions to him. Lucilia will tell him nothing and I have no wish to trouble her more than I have done already with my selfishness.”
“But I don’t understand,” Esca said again, genuinely confused. “Did you change your mind?”
“Lucilia did not want me to ask him. She, quite rightly, pointed out that I do not love her nor does she love me and therefore she felt a marriage would not be of benefit to either of us. She was right.”
“So what will you do now?”
“What I should have done right from the start,” Marcus said. “I will work hard and build up the farm and try to be content with that. I will not attempt to find another suitable woman to marry. It was folly on my part to think marriage was a solution to my problem.” He met Esca’s eyes. “I know that now.”
Esca’s eyes grew cold and his mouth tightened into a thin line. “I had assumed that all would go well for you and you would be successful in your endeavour. I am sorry your plans did not come to fruition.”
The sharp edge to his voice told otherwise. Unwilling to provoke more anger, Marcus hesitated to tell him of what he had seen, considering that it may be for the best to consign the whole sorry story to the furthest reaches of his soul where it could eat away at him at its leisure. He felt strangely detached though, as if all the different parts of his body were separating and acting independently of each other and before he could stop it his mouth opened and he heard himself speak.
“Once Lucilia and I had discussed the situation and agreed that I was a fool,” he began, “I returned here earlier than I had expected.”
The look on Esca’s face stopped him as he realised that there was no need to say more. For a moment they stood face to face, staring at each other while the thin line of Esca’s mouth disappeared, his lips parted slowly and his eyes widened in quiet horror.
“You saw us,” he whispered.
“I came looking for you,” Marcus admitted. “I thought at first you had gone but I saw your bow in the house and so I came to the barn to speak with you.”
Esca’s lips moved but no sound came from them, certainly not the accusations of spying and proportioning of blame that Marcus had expected.
“Did you lie with him to teach me a lesson?”
“No, Marcus.” Esca took a step forward until Marcus could have reached out and touched him had he any right to still do such a thing and when he spoke there was no mockery or taunting. “Is that really what you think? That I would use Trenus in such a way? He wished to feel the arms of a friend around him, to seek pleasure from someone who he chose to lie with of his own free will. He wanted to feel the intimate touch of one who cared for him.” There was a moment of silence before he spoke again, quietly, gently, sadly. “As did I.”
Marcus nodded his head in understanding, forcing away the humiliating sting of tears gathering behind his eyes.
“How did it come to this?” Esca asked him. “We had everything we needed to be happy.”
“I am sorry, Esca,” Marcus said, his voice rough from emotion and fatigue. “We had everything we needed except for my courage. I failed us both.”
At his admission a sudden surge of anger seemed to engulf Esca and he pushed past Marcus, leaving him in the stable with Agilis who looked at him balefully with large, limpid eyes.
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For several more days the three men worked together on the farm from sunrise until sunset, ploughing the land and sowing the seeds that would grow into crops for their own use and to sell for profit, stopping only to sleep and to eat. Esca and Trenus still slept in the barn every night but there was no repeat of that one time they had rutted together to achieve release. The knowledge that Marcus had seen them hung over Esca like a blanket of sorrow and although he did not tell Trenus, his old friend knew him well enough to understand that any attempt to repeat such actions would not currently be welcomed. They lay close however and sometimes they would wake in the mornings huddled together having sought each other out in their sleep for warmth and comfort.
Life on the once happy farm was stifled by gloom and Esca began to wonder how long they could continue. He often saw Marcus favouring his leg as they worked and although no mention was ever made of it, he could tell that Marcus was hiding his pain, not wishing to admit to his discomfort and Esca was once more torn by conflicting emotions. It wounded him to see Marcus retreat back to the quiet, forlorn man without hope that he had been when Esca had met him first but still, a part of him wanted to be glad to see how Marcus’s pride and broken promises had come back to haunt him. Trenus meanwhile became restless and would often stare off into the distance as if he wished to be away from the confines of the farm, roaming freely. Meals in the little farmhouse were taken in either silence or with stilted conversation and had he not been too weighed down by the atmosphere, Esca would have screamed in frustration.
All that consoled him was having the solid presence of Trenus beside him at night but as they lay next to each other after yet another exhausting day of back-breaking labour, Esca could not help but notice how agitated he was.
“You are not happy here,” he said, turning to face Trenus, recognising the wish to escape an intolerable situation. Esca had felt that longing himself when he had been a slave, desperate to be anywhere but where he was “I had hoped that you would find peace here but it will not happen. It cannot. You have regained your freedom only to find yourself caught in the trouble between Marcus and myself.”
Trenus reached out and placed his hand on Esca’s cheek, his thumb gently stroking the skin as he smiled and leaned forward to kiss his forehead lightly.
“I have always wanted nothing more than for you to be happy and I cannot bear to see you in such despair. You still care for Marcus, I can see it in the way you look at him despite everything that has happened. You cannot decide whether you want to give in to your anger or your heart.”
“Every time I want to forgive him, I am reminded of his betrayal and every time I think of his betrayal, I am reminded of what drew me to him in the first place.”
“Now that he has decided against marrying,” Trenus asked, “what will you do?”
“I do not know,” Esca admitted with a sigh. “All I know is that we cannot continue as we are, all three of us miserable and working ourselves to the bone to distract our minds.”
Trenus nodded and looked away as if he wished to say something that he was unsure Esca would want to hear.
“You know that Marcus told me he had no wish to keep me here if I did not want to stay,” he said finally.
“Will you leave then?”
Trenus sat up and looked down at Esca earnestly, the light from the lantern reflecting in his eyes and making them appear to dance in his face.
“Come with me,” he said. “Let us leave this place and find somewhere else to call home. A new place where there are no Romans. Perhaps we could survive north of the wall, with the Selgovae. When you told me of your adventures with Marcus, you said they took the surviving men from his father’s legion into their homes so why not you and me?”
Such a thought was not new to Esca’s mind for he had often thought of leaving the farm since he had been told of Marcus’s intention to marry but to hear Trenus speak the words aloud, he was filled with sudden apprehension.
“What if they did not?” he replied. “I have no wish to venture into the north and find myself running for my life again.”
“Would you rather remain here in despair or would you rather be free, truly free?” Trenus spoke with such passion that it was difficult not to be swept along on the current and Esca was briefly reminded of occasions in their childhood where Trenus would encourage him into all sorts of mischief. “We are Brigantes,” he continued. “We have no fight with the Selgovae. They have no reason to shun us.”
“That is true.” Esca could feel his emotions warring within him, anticipation chipping away at his misgivings. “Perhaps such a thing would not be impossible.”
“Of course it would not be impossible. And it would not be our only option. Marcus said he would provide assistance if I wished to leave, he will hardly go back on his word and leave us destitute if you come with me. We could find somewhere, I know we could. Perhaps we could look for more of our people. They must be out there for there were many other chieftains apart from your father. Just think, Esca. We could once more be true Brigantes, free from Rome.”
Trenus was right. The Brigantes had been numerous, spread far and wide across the land and they would not all have been taken into slavery. Some would have escaped and they could search for them, live amongst their own once more, maybe gather together a small tribe of their own. Perhaps he could one day even reclaim his birthright and be chieftain after all. Suddenly a multitude of possibilities began to push their way into Esca’s head but in the midst of all the new options that seemed open to him, he remembered Marcus and his growing resolve faltered.
“When will you go?” he asked.
“As soon as I can for I cannot bear this. We are no longer slaves Esca and I do not wish to live under the roof of a Roman if I do not have to.”
“I will give it thought,” he assured Trenus. “I promise you that I will but I must speak to Marcus first. I will not make such a decision without letting him know that I may leave. I have had enough of the trouble that falseness can bring.”
“I understand but please, do not linger too long over this. I cannot stay here. Even if things were better between you and Marcus and you were happy, I could not stay. I do not belong here.”
Esca watched as Trenus laid down and pulled the furs tightly around himself, settling in so that they were once more lying face to face.
“When I returned from the north with Marcus,” he mumbled, his eyes heavy and sleep beginning to embrace him, “he told me that I could decide our future. This farm was my choice, my dream. To work the land and watch the fields yield crops every year and know that my work had brought about the harvests. Marcus shared that dream. I will not make this decision lightly but whatever decision I make, I will honour.”
“I would expect nothing less,” Trenus said kindly. “Now sleep, my friend and may you dream of happier times.”
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Marcus stretched out his leg and dug his fingers deep into the spasming muscles that threatened to render him useless at least for the entire morning. He would have to be quick for Esca and Trenus would be awake soon and joining him in the farmhouse to eat and he did not want them to know. He had grown tired recently of the sting of humiliation as his many weaknesses had been displayed for all to see.
He rubbed and pressed and finally his leg began to ease enough that he could bear the pain and walk without stumbling as he finished dressing himself and lit a fire. Before long he heard the tramp of heavy footsteps across the yard and both Esca and Trenus arrived to pay their respects and join him at the table.
“The nights are no longer so cold I think,” Esca remarked to him as they ate. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes,” Marcus lied. “I am well rested and ready for another day’s work. Yourselves?”
“Also well rested, thank you,” Trenus replied. “What are your instructions for today?”
Marcus gave his instructions, since it pleased the other two to have him do so then Trenus promptly excused himself, leaving Marcus alone with Esca. Esca was evidently lingering with some purpose in mind for he stood as still and straight as a statue, his hands clasped behind his back and his eyes darting all around, resting everywhere but on Marcus.
“Trenus wishes to leave,” he said suddenly, his voice unnaturally loud in the quiet of the little house.
“I told him when I gave him his freedom that he could leave if he wished,” Marcus replied, his heart beginning to thud as he awaited what else was to come. “This is not unexpected.”
“I know.”
“Then tell him I will do whatever I can to help him on his way.”
Still rooted to the spot Esca gave a curt nod, the expression on his face as hard as stone.
“He has asked me to go with him.”
Marcus felt the last remaining seed of hope in his heart wither and die as those words echoed inside his head.
“And will you?” he asked.
Esca dropped his gaze to his feet.
“I do not know,” he said. “I would ask a favour of you.”
“Anything Esca.” Anything you want, Marcus thought. Just tell me and I will do it. I will kill for you. I will die for you. Just please, do not leave me.
“Would you allow me to forego my work for today and tomorrow? I must decide what to do and I wish to be away from here so I can think clearly.”
Marcus nodded his head, struggling to be able to speak but he knew he had to. If Esca wanted to leave, he would respect his decision no matter how much he wanted to scream and beg and promise things to make him stay but he would not let the man go without adequately expressing his repentance.
“I will not hold you here against your will but neither will I let you leave without telling you this. I regret with all of my heart what I have done. I have caused myself more hurt than those rumours ever could have done and, even worse, I have done the same to you. The consequences of what I have done will bring me sorrow for the remainder of my life but it is not my intention to make you stay out of pity. You have always been the strongest of us, Esca. You will be strong now and you will not allow my words to influence you, I think I can be sure of that. I wish only for you to be happy and if you must leave to find that happiness, you will go with my blessing.”
Esca’s mask of indifference held firm for a moment then he let it slip, just a little.
“I will not make you or Trenus wait,” he said. “I will return by sundown tomorrow at the latest and then you will know my decision.”
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Sundown tomorrow at the latest, he had told Marcus but whether it would take him that long to decide, Esca was uncertain. He took some water and some food for Agilis then he jumped up onto the back of the lumbering old horse and set off from the farm without looking back.
Stay with Marcus or leave with Trenus.
The choice was his to make.