Day 2 - Your first love, in great detail
The continuation of the 30-day meme--and to make up for yesterday I'll do it AND Day 3. :P
I met Jeremy through his younger sister Elena when I was 15. It was winter break; he was back from his first semester at college (CU-Boulder) and I was hanging out after my first semester at Rampart High School. (Yes... 4 year age gap. Quite the difference when you're only 15, and maybe I was taken with that?) We hit it off right away because we're both nerdy and like anime & videogames. :p I think that I knew I was falling for him at the time but it was strange for me b/c he was Elena's brother... and I didn't want things to get weird... but, as I usually do, I let my heart decide and realized I wanted something more. It culminated at the 2000 Winter Ball--he went with his sister, I went with my friends at the time, and... at the end, we both made our mutual feelings obvious. At the time, I tended to spend more time with people that were a little older than me, so I didn't think anything about the age gap. We started dating soon afterward.
At first, things seemed pretty magical--and my friendship with his sister was intact. Maybe it was helped along by the fact that it was long-distance--he was in Boulder and I was in the Springs. We'd talk every night on the phone and he'd visit as much as he could on weekends. Then things started getting more sexual, which was a completely new experience for me. I think I was too naive to recognize I was overwhelmed with the notion of becoming sexually involved with someone else, and took to it pretty willingly at the time. :-/ We also started having a lot of problems with how strict my parents were--I wasn't allowed out more than one night a week, he was only allowed to come over to my place, etc. etc. So... I started lying to my parents and sneaking out with friends when I could to see him. When he was back for spring break I skipped classes to spend time with him.
But for him, it wasn't enough... seeing the freedom that college students were allowed made him more frustrated with the situation we were in. At the end, he demanded that I either choose to defy my parents and be with him or follow my parents and end things with him.
I ended things with him at my house--I can still remember how heartbroken I was, and how angry he seemed. And then shit hit the fan; my parents blocked his number, his mother wouldn't let me speak to him because she was so insulted, my friendship with Elena was (to me) permanently changed because of her loyalty to her brother. And on the inside, I harbored the heartache for years. We continued to talk during my junior year of high school, even though he had a girlfriend up there and I was depressed constantly. I think that some small part of me continued to idealize the relationship--don't we all for first loves?--and when I finally went to CU-Boulder myself, I made strides to get in contact with him again. At first I told myself it was because I wanted to get back at him for breaking my heart--did dumb stuff like getting drunk and making out with his best friend, etc. But now, looking back, I think I wanted him to recognize me as being desirable again. It's pretty despicable. But I made some really fucking stupid decisions in college, and I recognize it.
When I was in a car with him, driving back from a party, he mentioned that we could be together again--that he still wanted me. And in that one moment, I realized what an idiot I was--that what I kept hoping he would finally admit was not what I wanted at all. That was the last time I talked to him. I don't really have a desire to get in touch with him again... and that's that.
Oh, I guess I should 'detail' how he looked: blond curly hair, blue eyes, about 6'0... gangly. More or less a geek--I can't help but love the nerdy ones :p
What I resent most when I think back about the relationship is how he used my naiveté to his advantage and I engaged in a lot more sexual things than I was really comfortable with at the time. At least I wasn't stupid enough to have sex with him. :p
I met Jeremy through his younger sister Elena when I was 15. It was winter break; he was back from his first semester at college (CU-Boulder) and I was hanging out after my first semester at Rampart High School. (Yes... 4 year age gap. Quite the difference when you're only 15, and maybe I was taken with that?) We hit it off right away because we're both nerdy and like anime & videogames. :p I think that I knew I was falling for him at the time but it was strange for me b/c he was Elena's brother... and I didn't want things to get weird... but, as I usually do, I let my heart decide and realized I wanted something more. It culminated at the 2000 Winter Ball--he went with his sister, I went with my friends at the time, and... at the end, we both made our mutual feelings obvious. At the time, I tended to spend more time with people that were a little older than me, so I didn't think anything about the age gap. We started dating soon afterward.
At first, things seemed pretty magical--and my friendship with his sister was intact. Maybe it was helped along by the fact that it was long-distance--he was in Boulder and I was in the Springs. We'd talk every night on the phone and he'd visit as much as he could on weekends. Then things started getting more sexual, which was a completely new experience for me. I think I was too naive to recognize I was overwhelmed with the notion of becoming sexually involved with someone else, and took to it pretty willingly at the time. :-/ We also started having a lot of problems with how strict my parents were--I wasn't allowed out more than one night a week, he was only allowed to come over to my place, etc. etc. So... I started lying to my parents and sneaking out with friends when I could to see him. When he was back for spring break I skipped classes to spend time with him.
But for him, it wasn't enough... seeing the freedom that college students were allowed made him more frustrated with the situation we were in. At the end, he demanded that I either choose to defy my parents and be with him or follow my parents and end things with him.
I ended things with him at my house--I can still remember how heartbroken I was, and how angry he seemed. And then shit hit the fan; my parents blocked his number, his mother wouldn't let me speak to him because she was so insulted, my friendship with Elena was (to me) permanently changed because of her loyalty to her brother. And on the inside, I harbored the heartache for years. We continued to talk during my junior year of high school, even though he had a girlfriend up there and I was depressed constantly. I think that some small part of me continued to idealize the relationship--don't we all for first loves?--and when I finally went to CU-Boulder myself, I made strides to get in contact with him again. At first I told myself it was because I wanted to get back at him for breaking my heart--did dumb stuff like getting drunk and making out with his best friend, etc. But now, looking back, I think I wanted him to recognize me as being desirable again. It's pretty despicable. But I made some really fucking stupid decisions in college, and I recognize it.
When I was in a car with him, driving back from a party, he mentioned that we could be together again--that he still wanted me. And in that one moment, I realized what an idiot I was--that what I kept hoping he would finally admit was not what I wanted at all. That was the last time I talked to him. I don't really have a desire to get in touch with him again... and that's that.
Oh, I guess I should 'detail' how he looked: blond curly hair, blue eyes, about 6'0... gangly. More or less a geek--I can't help but love the nerdy ones :p
What I resent most when I think back about the relationship is how he used my naiveté to his advantage and I engaged in a lot more sexual things than I was really comfortable with at the time. At least I wasn't stupid enough to have sex with him. :p