You Don't Know Me. You Can't See Me. You Don't Want To Hear The Words I'm Sayin'
The cut below is filled with me being all angsty, bitchy and blah (I apologize in advance yo). Basically you get to know me better and realize how wrong that image of me you originally had is. So if you don't want none of it and want to be blissfully oblivious, don't read it so that means all of you.
Okay, usually I wouldn't resort to this sort of method (typing on computer) as an outlet for the overwhelming emotions I'm feeling right now but let's forget about that shall we. I'm extremely angry and fed up. Maybe I shall just calm down. You know what, I should. Lately I've been very aggressive on the family over the clashes we are having and just the things in general that are considered problematic. Honestly, I don't think I'm like that usually. Naturally I'm very calm and don't act this way (avoiding fights if necessary, etc I'm a Libra dammit) unless it's gotten to a certain point where these type of measures and actions have to be put into motion. Now I introduce a very long lesson. Write this down or memorize it my lovely students. Title of today's lesson:
What's Been Bothering Lena For Quite Some Time Now. And go!
First- I'm not perfect.
Got it. I'm not. Nor have I ever claimed to be. I am a perfectionist yes at just about everything I do. As in I strive to achieve perfection in just about every area in life that I apply myself to. Does that mean I succeed in accomplishing it? Does it mean that I myself am perfect? No. Not even close. There are tons of flaws I have that I'm very aware of. In fact, I just about always call myself on them. And I consider myself to be one of the most flawed fucked up people out there for the record. Anyway, people seem to think that I am. Even the people who have known me long enough to know otherwise, even the people who have never gotten the chance to see whether or not I actually am. I'm human just like you. I have sinned. I'm sinning right now. And I'm sure in the future will most likely continue to do so. Though I do hope to eventually reach a point where it's barely existent or even there at all despite how unrealistic that seems. I try to refrain from it and for the most part I have. However as a human I fall for/give in to temptation. I can be proper and good but I can also stray and be bad. It's much easier to just let your inhibitions go than to restrict yourself. We've been told that but most importantly learned that from our very own experiences. So for a person who is too energetic (in both good and bad ways emphasis in the bad here though), very impulsive and procrastinates like there's no tomorrow such as I it's even harder to tame but I try. As I always say and my family can vouch for this- Try. Just try. You never know until you try.
Second, to just about everyone who knows me and unfortunately has me in their life,-
When you say something to me, or should I say give me your word, your promise I hold you to it.
I mean I hold you to it. So you just as well better hold yourself to it. I can accept if you tried your hardest to yet failed to do so or if something reasonably rational happened that didn't allow you to but anything else just doesn't cut it. I've been let down so many times by just about every relation a person could possibly have (I am not exaggerating in the slightest and don't care to elaborate any further) that you think that I'd just give up trusting people in general. Normally, that's what someone would do but for some reason I just can't. I have said I would and to some extent I have. But never entirely. Which is a shame because at this point in my life I'm thinking it's better to have no trust at all. That I could remember, I've always been reserved especially in certain matters since I was a child. Too much of one to even actually contemplate whether or not I should I be and what effects it would have.
Third- Words to me aren't just simply words.
Each and every one you use to me signifies something. The way ones writes it, the way one phrases it, to the way one expresses it. I'm very cautious and careful about what I say and how I phrase it. I want to make sure that it's about as clear as I want it to be. Exactly how I meant it to be. Kiku- I'm sure you noticed this XD On AIM, my responses, at least the serious serious ones, take forever and when they come they are L O N G. Which brings me to....
Fourth- Think before you say.
This is just about the few things I learned and got out of my father. (It's blatantly obvious by now but if not. My relationship with that man is basically non-existent. AKA Bad. Horrible.) If the words I say are 'cruel' and tough then most likely if not always that's how I intended them to be. And I stick by them until proven otherwise. Yes, I can be mean. The words though are never really a personal attack on you. It's mostly if not only on your actions. The only time it would be on you is if you yourself, your mere presence is what's at fault. Some people on the other hand, say things that are personal attacks and meant to hurt which is why it was said or/and then retract it and deny it was ever said. Excuses are made and promises are formed. Those very promises are broken. An endless cycle. A cycle I'm just so tired of and refuse to accept. A cycle I'm fighting so viciously now. I admit- I'm being too harsh. Or how my mother loves to put it- too cold. But this is just how it is. It could very well change but for now not likely. It brings me to the point of how I'm an extremist. Somewhat. I'm an extremist in that everything I do I either do it with such intensity and passion or don't put even the littlest of effort in it. I never half-ass anything. Now, we can figure out where this applies to. Ahem:
Do: Things I find interesting. Things I want to and absolutely need to do. Things that give me self-satisfaction/gratification. And obligations that I feel should be done.
Don't: Things I find utterly pointless and useless. Things that don't intrigue me in any way. Things that don't sit right with me. And things that go against whatever ideals and beliefs I hold on too stubbornly because I'm oh so stubborn.
And there you go. I bulge or I don't. The choice is mine. I think this is something that definitely needs to be worked at it. Sometimes in life you have to do things that don't interest you or that you plain just don't like but I have yet to really accept that concept. What else. *taps finger on lips* Oh.
Fifth- I don't normally hold grudges. BUT-
I remember what you did. Oh, how I remember however I don't usually hold it against you. The only times when I do are when you keep doing the same mistake or aka Thing(s)You Fucked Up Our Whole Relationship With over and over especially if you are aware of this fact and keep doing it despite it. And if you haven't admit to what you did, don't acknowledge it was wrong and didn't apologize. You don't even have to say "sorry" per say. Actions can speak louder than words I'm told. Now show me.
Sixth- I love having conversations. Especially the deep ones. I want to know everything you feel and think.
Silly ones are nice but you can have that type of conversation with just about everyone. Being serious and 'revealing' is much harder and therefore more fun! Particularly if we are in the middle of having a heated discussion and are at odds. Also if we are delving deep into an issue of sorts. I like to be aware of all sides of an issue. Not only because for the sake of it or/and to resolve the conflict but also because I'm interested to see what concepts people form about an idea. The differing perspectives amuse me greatly. And to understand it all better and perhaps modify my own or even yours. Maybe I'll even adopt yours. Granted, if I feel it's reasonable valid argument :D I absolutely hate it when it's interrupted or cut short. Really I do. Especially the latter. Even more so for something petty. It continues to irk me while I'm in bed trying to sleep! Please don't torture me m'kay.
Seventh- Please do not order me around.
No one likes to be bossed around. No one. How am I any different? Exactly. I'm not. It will only cause more damage and make me rebel against you. Along with stern talking and glares from me :D If there is something on your mind that you wished I would do merely suggest it and I'll take it into consideration. It will also just create a better nicer atmosphere for our relationship as opposed to some horrible dictator-peasant filled one. This is goes even stronger for guys. I can't stand a man yelling or mistreating a woman in any way. At all. Especially if it wasn't warranted but when is it? You can achieve the same results if not better ones by acting in a more calm rational way. I guess it's because most of the guys I have encountered have these type of sexist egos that irritate me to no end. I've seen various people be ordered around like some type of pathetic servant including my mother and I have vowed that I will not stand for such behavior. No one should period. *ends rant*
Eighth- Respect me, my space, my interests and my way of being and I'll respect yours.
I think this is pretty much self-explanatory. We all have things we like, things we don't. We live both public and private lives. I'm the way I am, you are the way you are. And that's it. Learn it, accept it and deal with it. If not, just separate yourself from it and the person without any provocation. It's not that hard.
Annnnnd, it's a wrap. I wanted there to be 10 things but alas... Everything else is more towards certain people and matters than people in general. Also it's late and my brain is failing on me now. Haha. I commend you if you read it all and I will be your loyal slave if you follow all of that unwaveringly XD
I apologize once again. I don't like complaining and talking about such things so much. I feel very wrong when I do them even if it is my journal. Publicly like this is just odd. This whole thing is still strange to me. But I think overall it's good. It's teaching me to be more open with my feelings and life I guess...? Along with the fact that all of you have been sharing your personal lives with me so I feel it's only right I share mine as well and give you some insight to what type of crazy person I really am. It's only fair.
Also, thank you all for the comments to by last entry. Thank you. Omigod. Mitsuki you commented! I'm thrilled. *hugs you all* It's been a rough few weeks. The first few days were tough you can imagine. Non-stop crying, sadness, anger, denial and all the other things that one goes through when someone you love dies. I'm feeling much much better. My other dog was just as depressed. He's doing better too. I'm glad since I really did think he would die from the sheer loneliness and confusion of it all. It helped that we got a puppy. Yes, a German Shepherd puppy. A girl. Whose name is Hikari. I think you can guess why we named her that. I think... Who is very rebellious and hyper. Like him. She's actually very similar to him in various ways which me and my family find amusing. We wanted to get the same breed as Angel but couldn't because we couldn't find anyone who sold them and also they recommended we get a different breed due to comparisons we'd make between the new dog and him. And it wouldn't be fair to both which is understandable but personally the comparisons would just about go as far as looks. I know that no one will replace him or even come close and that I shouldn't expect one who could. So- I don't. It's all crazy around here. The puppy is draining me of my life force. Add the fact that I haven't been feeling well lately. Stress maybe? I'm literally dead. Next post, I will definitely try my hardest to upload the things I have to and be more happy I guess...? *laughs*
And because I'm such a dork: NaruHina FTW. And memo to Kishimoto- SasuSaku kthx.
Rinny and Fuji-wifey: When are you going to be on AIM so we can chat. We have much to talk about we do. Also Chelsea I will send you a reply to the email as soon as I can. I cannot wait! ♥
Okay, usually I wouldn't resort to this sort of method (typing on computer) as an outlet for the overwhelming emotions I'm feeling right now but let's forget about that shall we. I'm extremely angry and fed up. Maybe I shall just calm down. You know what, I should. Lately I've been very aggressive on the family over the clashes we are having and just the things in general that are considered problematic. Honestly, I don't think I'm like that usually. Naturally I'm very calm and don't act this way (avoiding fights if necessary, etc I'm a Libra dammit) unless it's gotten to a certain point where these type of measures and actions have to be put into motion. Now I introduce a very long lesson. Write this down or memorize it my lovely students. Title of today's lesson:
What's Been Bothering Lena For Quite Some Time Now. And go!
First- I'm not perfect.
Got it. I'm not. Nor have I ever claimed to be. I am a perfectionist yes at just about everything I do. As in I strive to achieve perfection in just about every area in life that I apply myself to. Does that mean I succeed in accomplishing it? Does it mean that I myself am perfect? No. Not even close. There are tons of flaws I have that I'm very aware of. In fact, I just about always call myself on them. And I consider myself to be one of the most flawed fucked up people out there for the record. Anyway, people seem to think that I am. Even the people who have known me long enough to know otherwise, even the people who have never gotten the chance to see whether or not I actually am. I'm human just like you. I have sinned. I'm sinning right now. And I'm sure in the future will most likely continue to do so. Though I do hope to eventually reach a point where it's barely existent or even there at all despite how unrealistic that seems. I try to refrain from it and for the most part I have. However as a human I fall for/give in to temptation. I can be proper and good but I can also stray and be bad. It's much easier to just let your inhibitions go than to restrict yourself. We've been told that but most importantly learned that from our very own experiences. So for a person who is too energetic (in both good and bad ways emphasis in the bad here though), very impulsive and procrastinates like there's no tomorrow such as I it's even harder to tame but I try. As I always say and my family can vouch for this- Try. Just try. You never know until you try.
Second, to just about everyone who knows me and unfortunately has me in their life,-
When you say something to me, or should I say give me your word, your promise I hold you to it.
I mean I hold you to it. So you just as well better hold yourself to it. I can accept if you tried your hardest to yet failed to do so or if something reasonably rational happened that didn't allow you to but anything else just doesn't cut it. I've been let down so many times by just about every relation a person could possibly have (I am not exaggerating in the slightest and don't care to elaborate any further) that you think that I'd just give up trusting people in general. Normally, that's what someone would do but for some reason I just can't. I have said I would and to some extent I have. But never entirely. Which is a shame because at this point in my life I'm thinking it's better to have no trust at all. That I could remember, I've always been reserved especially in certain matters since I was a child. Too much of one to even actually contemplate whether or not I should I be and what effects it would have.
Third- Words to me aren't just simply words.
Each and every one you use to me signifies something. The way ones writes it, the way one phrases it, to the way one expresses it. I'm very cautious and careful about what I say and how I phrase it. I want to make sure that it's about as clear as I want it to be. Exactly how I meant it to be. Kiku- I'm sure you noticed this XD On AIM, my responses, at least the serious serious ones, take forever and when they come they are L O N G. Which brings me to....
Fourth- Think before you say.
This is just about the few things I learned and got out of my father. (It's blatantly obvious by now but if not. My relationship with that man is basically non-existent. AKA Bad. Horrible.) If the words I say are 'cruel' and tough then most likely if not always that's how I intended them to be. And I stick by them until proven otherwise. Yes, I can be mean. The words though are never really a personal attack on you. It's mostly if not only on your actions. The only time it would be on you is if you yourself, your mere presence is what's at fault. Some people on the other hand, say things that are personal attacks and meant to hurt which is why it was said or/and then retract it and deny it was ever said. Excuses are made and promises are formed. Those very promises are broken. An endless cycle. A cycle I'm just so tired of and refuse to accept. A cycle I'm fighting so viciously now. I admit- I'm being too harsh. Or how my mother loves to put it- too cold. But this is just how it is. It could very well change but for now not likely. It brings me to the point of how I'm an extremist. Somewhat. I'm an extremist in that everything I do I either do it with such intensity and passion or don't put even the littlest of effort in it. I never half-ass anything. Now, we can figure out where this applies to. Ahem:
Do: Things I find interesting. Things I want to and absolutely need to do. Things that give me self-satisfaction/gratification. And obligations that I feel should be done.
Don't: Things I find utterly pointless and useless. Things that don't intrigue me in any way. Things that don't sit right with me. And things that go against whatever ideals and beliefs I hold on too stubbornly because I'm oh so stubborn.
And there you go. I bulge or I don't. The choice is mine. I think this is something that definitely needs to be worked at it. Sometimes in life you have to do things that don't interest you or that you plain just don't like but I have yet to really accept that concept. What else. *taps finger on lips* Oh.
Fifth- I don't normally hold grudges. BUT-
I remember what you did. Oh, how I remember however I don't usually hold it against you. The only times when I do are when you keep doing the same mistake or aka Thing(s)You Fucked Up Our Whole Relationship With over and over especially if you are aware of this fact and keep doing it despite it. And if you haven't admit to what you did, don't acknowledge it was wrong and didn't apologize. You don't even have to say "sorry" per say. Actions can speak louder than words I'm told. Now show me.
Sixth- I love having conversations. Especially the deep ones. I want to know everything you feel and think.
Silly ones are nice but you can have that type of conversation with just about everyone. Being serious and 'revealing' is much harder and therefore more fun! Particularly if we are in the middle of having a heated discussion and are at odds. Also if we are delving deep into an issue of sorts. I like to be aware of all sides of an issue. Not only because for the sake of it or/and to resolve the conflict but also because I'm interested to see what concepts people form about an idea. The differing perspectives amuse me greatly. And to understand it all better and perhaps modify my own or even yours. Maybe I'll even adopt yours. Granted, if I feel it's reasonable valid argument :D I absolutely hate it when it's interrupted or cut short. Really I do. Especially the latter. Even more so for something petty. It continues to irk me while I'm in bed trying to sleep! Please don't torture me m'kay.
Seventh- Please do not order me around.
No one likes to be bossed around. No one. How am I any different? Exactly. I'm not. It will only cause more damage and make me rebel against you. Along with stern talking and glares from me :D If there is something on your mind that you wished I would do merely suggest it and I'll take it into consideration. It will also just create a better nicer atmosphere for our relationship as opposed to some horrible dictator-peasant filled one. This is goes even stronger for guys. I can't stand a man yelling or mistreating a woman in any way. At all. Especially if it wasn't warranted but when is it? You can achieve the same results if not better ones by acting in a more calm rational way. I guess it's because most of the guys I have encountered have these type of sexist egos that irritate me to no end. I've seen various people be ordered around like some type of pathetic servant including my mother and I have vowed that I will not stand for such behavior. No one should period. *ends rant*
Eighth- Respect me, my space, my interests and my way of being and I'll respect yours.
I think this is pretty much self-explanatory. We all have things we like, things we don't. We live both public and private lives. I'm the way I am, you are the way you are. And that's it. Learn it, accept it and deal with it. If not, just separate yourself from it and the person without any provocation. It's not that hard.
Annnnnd, it's a wrap. I wanted there to be 10 things but alas... Everything else is more towards certain people and matters than people in general. Also it's late and my brain is failing on me now. Haha. I commend you if you read it all and I will be your loyal slave if you follow all of that unwaveringly XD
I apologize once again. I don't like complaining and talking about such things so much. I feel very wrong when I do them even if it is my journal. Publicly like this is just odd. This whole thing is still strange to me. But I think overall it's good. It's teaching me to be more open with my feelings and life I guess...? Along with the fact that all of you have been sharing your personal lives with me so I feel it's only right I share mine as well and give you some insight to what type of crazy person I really am. It's only fair.
Also, thank you all for the comments to by last entry. Thank you. Omigod. Mitsuki you commented! I'm thrilled. *hugs you all* It's been a rough few weeks. The first few days were tough you can imagine. Non-stop crying, sadness, anger, denial and all the other things that one goes through when someone you love dies. I'm feeling much much better. My other dog was just as depressed. He's doing better too. I'm glad since I really did think he would die from the sheer loneliness and confusion of it all. It helped that we got a puppy. Yes, a German Shepherd puppy. A girl. Whose name is Hikari. I think you can guess why we named her that. I think... Who is very rebellious and hyper. Like him. She's actually very similar to him in various ways which me and my family find amusing. We wanted to get the same breed as Angel but couldn't because we couldn't find anyone who sold them and also they recommended we get a different breed due to comparisons we'd make between the new dog and him. And it wouldn't be fair to both which is understandable but personally the comparisons would just about go as far as looks. I know that no one will replace him or even come close and that I shouldn't expect one who could. So- I don't. It's all crazy around here. The puppy is draining me of my life force. Add the fact that I haven't been feeling well lately. Stress maybe? I'm literally dead. Next post, I will definitely try my hardest to upload the things I have to and be more happy I guess...? *laughs*
And because I'm such a dork: NaruHina FTW. And memo to Kishimoto- SasuSaku kthx.
Rinny and Fuji-wifey: When are you going to be on AIM so we can chat. We have much to talk about we do. Also Chelsea I will send you a reply to the email as soon as I can. I cannot wait! ♥