The Art of Trying (Part 2)
http://lennon-jok.livejournal.com/2121.html <-- Part 1
November quickly turned into December, and the shitty B’n’B Ste still slept in was becoming the poor victim of dampness and cold. Nobody knew he was staying there except Amy; he didn’t want the indignity of it getting out really. But for some reason he hadn’t done much searching for a flat of his own. Maybe somewhere deep down he was expecting to move back in with Amy and the kids some day. He had dinner there most nights, put the kids to bed, hung out with Amy for a while and then really only used the B’n’B as a place to lay his head and nothing more. It could do for a while longer.
And whenever he wasn’t with Amy and the kids, it seemed he was at Cheryl and Brendans. It was funny really. Ridiculous. Now that they had proclaimed themselves “friends”, they were suddenly acting more like a couple than ever before. Not in any physical way. But at work they could have a laugh together, right in full front of all the staff and customers without Brendan batting an eyelid. And they’d even hang out together; at bars, after work, at lunch time and just chat about life and nonsense. Or Ste would do most of the chatting anyway; Brendan would do the listening and then the sarcastic micky-taking remarks.
Really, the hanging-out part was more a set-up by Cheryl. With Cheryl and everybody else, Brendan still acted the lost-soul he was when he came from prison. He was quiet, angry, distant. Cheryl couldn’t bear it. She couldn’t understand why his demons haunted him that way, and worse still, how he found them easier to push aside when he was with Ste. Half of her was jealous and bitter that Ste could do that for him. The other half was desperate for it to continue, and so she was constantly inviting Ste round for dinner, for outings, in the hope that he could permanently break Brendan from his stupor.
And Ste found that he loved being friends with Brendan. He wandered why it couldn’t have been this way all along, why they couldn’t have just cut out all the crap and enjoyed being together, like they seemed to these days. He wanted to keep it like this, because this was perfect, and stay this way forever.
There was still that tiny wretched part of him that was screaming for something more. But he pushed that side deep down. He and Brendan couldn’t be like that anymore. It was never going to work.
And so when he and Brendan lazed on the sofa, darkness wrapped around them, bellies numb with drink, minds relaxed and content with the company they were keeping……… and there was that moment. The same moment that often came at the strangest of times; a moment of heat, and tension, where the hairs on Ste’s arm stood on end, and his gut churned with a lustful longing. And by the look on Brendan’s face, Ste KNEW that he was feeling it too.
And when that moment happened, as it always did, Ste knew it was time to leave.
He stood awkwardly.
“So err… I’ll see ya tomorrow then.”
“Get in a bit early, would ye?” Brendan drooled, not bothering to get out of his chair and walk Ste to the door. “Cheryl’s dead set on puttin’ up some Christmas tree at the bar. You’ve probably got more of a knack for tinsel than I have.”
Ste snorted back a laugh. “Will I be gettin’ extra pay for it?”
“Ahhh c’mon” Brendan smirked. “I’ll let ye put the fairy on top.”
So Ste was there, first thing next morning, wrapping tacky tinsel haphazardly around what was probably the grandest Christmas tree in all of Hollyoaks. He needn’t have bothered really, because whenever he put ANYTHING onto the tree, Cheryl was right behind him fixing it, moving it and “just making it a bit neater, that’s all.”
Still, he rather enjoyed the over-generous extra-pay Brendan gave him for his work, which was strictly “between me and you, yeah? Get somethin’ for the kids.”
And the same day, Ste had an all-round different experience dressing the tree at Amy’s. A poor-excuse for a Christmas tree really… a bit sad-looking… but made all so much better by Leah and Lucas running around, tossing on anything they could find including their toys, clothes and kitchen utensils. Most of the actual decorations ended up staying in the box, and the tree ended up looking like it belonged in a mental asylum. Still, it was much better than Cheryl’s one at Chez Chez.
“Why’d he give you all that? That’s a bit much isn’t it?!” Amy cried when Ste announced the pay packet he’d received today.
“Yeah, well. I’ve been helpin’ out a lot, haven’t I?”
“What, so he’s given that to all the other staff as well, has he?”
“No.” Ste smiled to himself. “Because we’re mates, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, course you are.”
“No, seriously. It’s been well good lately, you know, hangin’ out and that! Cos I’d forgotten how like… how funny he is. And he can actually be well nice when he puts his mind to it.”
“Mm hmmm.” Amy sighed, and Ste didn’t miss how her eyebrows raised in exasperation. She wasn’t even listening to his reasoning.
“Amy, I mean it!” He continued. “Like, we went to a bar the other night, right? And it was actually loads of fun. Cos Cheryl came n’all, yeah, and she were wearin’ this massive bow in her hair, and we took the mick of her all night, it was so funny. And…”
“And Brendan didn’t expect you to carry on the fun back in his bedroom, no?”
Ste frowned in annoyance. “No. I told you. We’re mates.”
“Right.”
“Yeah, and he’s sound with that.”
“Okay.”
“Urgh!!” Ste slammed his hands down on the table in frustration, making the dirty plates rattle dangerously. “I’m SERIOUS Amy! I know what I’m doin’ alright?! And I LIKE it.”
“Ste, I’m not arguin’ with you!” Amy moaned. “It’s just… you’re so blinded by love for him, STILL. And…someone needs to talk sense, don’t they? I’m just looking out for you, that’s all.”
“Well I don’t need lookin’ out for. And… and I’m not ‘blinded by love’! What the hell does that even mean anyway?!”
“Nothing.” Amy bit. “If you want to carry on being ‘friends’ with him, that’s fine. Who am I to get in the way of the perfect friendship?!”
Well it was perfect. To Ste it was anyway. And he could tell sometimes, just by the way Brendan looked at him, that Brendan enjoyed it too. Being together. Equals almost.
They sorted each other out. If Ste was broke, Brendan bought him lunch and drinks. And in turn, Ste helped Brendan in any way he could too. He reminded Brendan to buy Cheryl a Christmas present, and when Brendan groaned about it, Ste went out and got it for him, and wrapped it for him and everything. He wouldn’t get much thanks for it, other than a half-arsed grunt of, “Yeah, cheers.” And yet they seemed to have reached some mutual understanding that Ste cherished. He LOVED being like this with Brendan. Just friends.
It was on Christmas Eve that things took a different turn. Ste was staying at Amy’s back in his old room, because the lodger she had had gone to stay with her parents over Christmas. It was Ste, Amy, Leah and Lucas. Back to normal for a short while. And they had a day of board games and classic Christmas films that were on the telly. They promised the kids they could open ONE present tonight before bed.
And that’s when the knock had come at the door.
Amy had answered. And Ste had just heard the muffled, “Oh. Wh… what are you doing here?”
It didn’t take Einstein to work out who it was. Amy didn’t use the same disdainful tone on anybody else that Ste knew of.
“Brendan!” he grinned, sliding up beside Amy at the door. “What are you doin’ here?”
“Yep, Happy Christmas to you too, guys. You really need to work on your welcomes.” Brendan chided, blank-faced. But as he did he held up two plastic bags, both bulging with large wrapped-up Christmas presents.
“For the kids.” He added unnecessarily.
“No way!”
“Brendan, you didn’t have to do that…” Amy muttered; more than a little bit uncomfortable.
“Well, you know, I came into some money. Not much to spend it on.” Brendan added an awkward laugh; trying to stifle the embarrassment he was quickly beginning to feel.
Amy frowned. “What do you mean you came into some…”
Ste quickly steered the conversation away from that forbidden route; trying to keep the peace, break the tension he called, “Leah! Lucas! Come see what Brendan’s bought for ya!”
Brendan followed him and Amy into the lounge, looking and feeling a little out of place as he squeezed beside Leah onto the tiny sofa and self-consciously handed over the present. He looked as if he was suddenly regretting his decision to come over here, aware of how exposed he now was with Leah grinning up at him, eyes shining with excitement, as she cried “Can I open it now?!”
Ste nodded, just as excited. “Yeah!”
“Errr, Ste.” Amy hissed, “They’ve already had one present tonight.”
“Yeah I know, but Brendan’s here now ain’t he, so… Go on Leah.”
Brendan chanced a glance at Amy, noticing how irritable she looked by the whole situation. But no chance to take it back now, with Leah already ripping the paper off the package, tossing it all to the floor, and Ste leaning over with eyes just as animated in anticipation. Brendan held back a laugh.
“What is it?” Leah mumbled, disappointed by the grown-up looking box she’d been given.
“Here, give us a look.” Ste pulled the box away.
Better save time. “It’s a Playstation 3.” Brendan explained, slightly sheepish. “And err… you know, a bunch of games in the other one, just… kids stuff, you know.”
“A playstation?!”
“Brendan, that must of cost a fortune!” Amy gasped
“No.” Brendan’s face was going slightly red, Ste noticed. “No, no, it was on sale, so….”
“Wh…” Ste was stunned. Amazed. Nobody had spent this much on their family, not ever. “What do you say kids?”
“Thank you Brendan!” the kids chimed.
“Mummy, can we play it now?!”
“Can we play Peppa Pig?!” Leah cried, already ripping open the presents in the other bag; about TWENTY or so playstation games.
“Okay, well…” Brendan stood immediately, brushing himself down. “It’s all there, all the batteries and leads an’ everything so, er… Yeah. Happy Christmas… etcetera.”
“Brendan, thank you so much.” Ste breathed, still quite unable to believe it.
“It’s not for you Stephen, don’t hog it now.”
Brendan quickly made his way towards the door with Ste following close behind, leaving the excited squeals of Leah and Lucas as they unveiled Sesame Street Sport and High School Musical Dance-Off.
“Right.” Brendan coughed as he pulled open the door. “Take care then, yeah?”
“Yeah…”
And that was it. Brendan was gone as quickly as he came, leaving nothing but the numb shock behind him that he would do something so generous. Even Amy had been speechless, Ste thought smugly. NOW she knew what kind of a bloke Brendan could be; this would show her.
He should have known better.
Because as soon as the kids were in bed, Amy was ripping into him again.
“I can’t BELIEVE you can’t see through his façade! It’s SO transparent Ste! I mean, all this, this must have cost him hundreds!”
“It’s for the KIDS. Not for me.”
“Oh, it’s for you!” Amy snapped. “And it’s workin’! Look at you! You couldn’t take your eyes off him when he was in here. Thinking he’s so kind and perfect as though NONE of the old stuff matters!”
“We’re just MATES, right?! Yeah. Just like you and me are. Or supposed to be!”
“WE ARE!” Amy shouted. “That’s why I’m TRYING to look out for you!”
“There is NO reason why you should be bothered that Brendan did a nice thing for our kids!” Ste yelled. “You’re just angry cos you know what you bought ‘em won’t live up to it.”
“Well yeah, actually.” Amy nodded, “That IS true. He KNOWS we can’t afford to give them stuff like that, he’s just showing us up to our own kids.”
“Oh, right, yeah, that’s why he did it, yeah.” Ste muttered sarcastically, slamming the dirty plates into the sink, fists clenched in annoyance.
“No, he did it so that THIS would happen! So that you would fall for him all over again. And I can’t believe you’re so STUPID that you can’t see it!”
Ste spun around, furious.
“Stupid?!”
“Well right now, YES.”
“Oh I’m not dealin’ with this!”
Ste chucked the last few plates in, pulling his hoody from the sofa, heading for the door.
“Ste, where are you going??”
“Anywhere. Away from here.”
God knows why he didn’t go back to the BnB. Just, walking through Hollyoaks, with all the Christmas lights on and curtains shut in every house, and cosiness on ever corner… he just didn’t want to be alone, not tonight. And it was freezing cold, and after a while he knew he just had to get inside… somewhere, anywhere. And he realised he may as well cut to the chase, because deep down he knew from the minute he left Amy’s that he’d be knocking on Brendan’s door.
Brendan’s house was completely silent as his familiar face peered round the door and distorted to shock as he saw Ste standing there.
“Stephen…?” he whispered.
Why was he whispering? The whole place was dark behind him. Intense in its silence.
“Hi.” Ste smiled lamely. Then shook himself internally, telling himself to stop being such a coward and come out and say it. “Err… Um…”
“What is it Stephen?”
“I just…… me and Amy had a fight.”
Brendan swallowed. He looked nervous. “Right?”
“And… well I don’t want to stay there tonight, that’s all.”
Brendan sighed. His eyes shut in exasperation. Fighting something inside himself.
And Ste’s heart hammered, sensing he’d done the wrong thing, he’d crossed the line; friends didn’t do this, this was stupid, he should just go and save himself the rejection, before…
“Okay.” Brendan breathed. “Come in. Quiet.”
Brendan stepped aside. Held open the door, and watched close as Ste hesitantly stepped inside. As Ste’s eyes immediately traced the room towards the sofa where he presumed he’d sleep… and saw that there was already someone lying on it. A mans figure.
“Who’s that?” He asked, perhaps a bit too loudly.
Brendan said nothing, just pressed a finger to his own lips, and beckoned Ste to follow upstairs.
Ste bit his lip. He hadn’t expected this. He’d only meant to sleep on the sofa, that’s all. But something about the way Brendan was beckoning him made him follow. Brendan didn’t want him to be here, in this lounge.
And sure enough, it was Brendans’ bedroom that Ste was led to.
He hung awkwardly in the doorway.
“Um…Bren…”
“What?” Brendan asked quietly, removing his shoes and his jacket. “You’ve slept with me before, haven’t you?”
Ste swallowed. “Look, maybe this is a bad idea…”
“What are you afraid of Stephen? It’s just sleeping, ain’t it? Unless you prefer the street.”
Brendan said no more after that. He left his jeans and jumper on and got underneath the bed covers, keeping over to the right side of the bed and shutting his eyes into sleep.
No expectations. No nothing.
So it was strange then how Ste’s body shivered with nerves as he pulled back the cover and shuffled in beside Brendan. And even lying back-to-back with him, fully covered in clothes, Ste found it hard to shut his eyes and ignore the intense feeling of being so close. It felt like Brendan’s eyes were on his back, even though he KNEW Brendan was asleep and lying the other way. Wasn’t he? Ste couldn’t take it upon himself to check.
All he knew is that he slept soundly that night. More comfortably than he had done in months.
November quickly turned into December, and the shitty B’n’B Ste still slept in was becoming the poor victim of dampness and cold. Nobody knew he was staying there except Amy; he didn’t want the indignity of it getting out really. But for some reason he hadn’t done much searching for a flat of his own. Maybe somewhere deep down he was expecting to move back in with Amy and the kids some day. He had dinner there most nights, put the kids to bed, hung out with Amy for a while and then really only used the B’n’B as a place to lay his head and nothing more. It could do for a while longer.
And whenever he wasn’t with Amy and the kids, it seemed he was at Cheryl and Brendans. It was funny really. Ridiculous. Now that they had proclaimed themselves “friends”, they were suddenly acting more like a couple than ever before. Not in any physical way. But at work they could have a laugh together, right in full front of all the staff and customers without Brendan batting an eyelid. And they’d even hang out together; at bars, after work, at lunch time and just chat about life and nonsense. Or Ste would do most of the chatting anyway; Brendan would do the listening and then the sarcastic micky-taking remarks.
Really, the hanging-out part was more a set-up by Cheryl. With Cheryl and everybody else, Brendan still acted the lost-soul he was when he came from prison. He was quiet, angry, distant. Cheryl couldn’t bear it. She couldn’t understand why his demons haunted him that way, and worse still, how he found them easier to push aside when he was with Ste. Half of her was jealous and bitter that Ste could do that for him. The other half was desperate for it to continue, and so she was constantly inviting Ste round for dinner, for outings, in the hope that he could permanently break Brendan from his stupor.
And Ste found that he loved being friends with Brendan. He wandered why it couldn’t have been this way all along, why they couldn’t have just cut out all the crap and enjoyed being together, like they seemed to these days. He wanted to keep it like this, because this was perfect, and stay this way forever.
There was still that tiny wretched part of him that was screaming for something more. But he pushed that side deep down. He and Brendan couldn’t be like that anymore. It was never going to work.
And so when he and Brendan lazed on the sofa, darkness wrapped around them, bellies numb with drink, minds relaxed and content with the company they were keeping……… and there was that moment. The same moment that often came at the strangest of times; a moment of heat, and tension, where the hairs on Ste’s arm stood on end, and his gut churned with a lustful longing. And by the look on Brendan’s face, Ste KNEW that he was feeling it too.
And when that moment happened, as it always did, Ste knew it was time to leave.
He stood awkwardly.
“So err… I’ll see ya tomorrow then.”
“Get in a bit early, would ye?” Brendan drooled, not bothering to get out of his chair and walk Ste to the door. “Cheryl’s dead set on puttin’ up some Christmas tree at the bar. You’ve probably got more of a knack for tinsel than I have.”
Ste snorted back a laugh. “Will I be gettin’ extra pay for it?”
“Ahhh c’mon” Brendan smirked. “I’ll let ye put the fairy on top.”
So Ste was there, first thing next morning, wrapping tacky tinsel haphazardly around what was probably the grandest Christmas tree in all of Hollyoaks. He needn’t have bothered really, because whenever he put ANYTHING onto the tree, Cheryl was right behind him fixing it, moving it and “just making it a bit neater, that’s all.”
Still, he rather enjoyed the over-generous extra-pay Brendan gave him for his work, which was strictly “between me and you, yeah? Get somethin’ for the kids.”
And the same day, Ste had an all-round different experience dressing the tree at Amy’s. A poor-excuse for a Christmas tree really… a bit sad-looking… but made all so much better by Leah and Lucas running around, tossing on anything they could find including their toys, clothes and kitchen utensils. Most of the actual decorations ended up staying in the box, and the tree ended up looking like it belonged in a mental asylum. Still, it was much better than Cheryl’s one at Chez Chez.
“Why’d he give you all that? That’s a bit much isn’t it?!” Amy cried when Ste announced the pay packet he’d received today.
“Yeah, well. I’ve been helpin’ out a lot, haven’t I?”
“What, so he’s given that to all the other staff as well, has he?”
“No.” Ste smiled to himself. “Because we’re mates, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, course you are.”
“No, seriously. It’s been well good lately, you know, hangin’ out and that! Cos I’d forgotten how like… how funny he is. And he can actually be well nice when he puts his mind to it.”
“Mm hmmm.” Amy sighed, and Ste didn’t miss how her eyebrows raised in exasperation. She wasn’t even listening to his reasoning.
“Amy, I mean it!” He continued. “Like, we went to a bar the other night, right? And it was actually loads of fun. Cos Cheryl came n’all, yeah, and she were wearin’ this massive bow in her hair, and we took the mick of her all night, it was so funny. And…”
“And Brendan didn’t expect you to carry on the fun back in his bedroom, no?”
Ste frowned in annoyance. “No. I told you. We’re mates.”
“Right.”
“Yeah, and he’s sound with that.”
“Okay.”
“Urgh!!” Ste slammed his hands down on the table in frustration, making the dirty plates rattle dangerously. “I’m SERIOUS Amy! I know what I’m doin’ alright?! And I LIKE it.”
“Ste, I’m not arguin’ with you!” Amy moaned. “It’s just… you’re so blinded by love for him, STILL. And…someone needs to talk sense, don’t they? I’m just looking out for you, that’s all.”
“Well I don’t need lookin’ out for. And… and I’m not ‘blinded by love’! What the hell does that even mean anyway?!”
“Nothing.” Amy bit. “If you want to carry on being ‘friends’ with him, that’s fine. Who am I to get in the way of the perfect friendship?!”
Well it was perfect. To Ste it was anyway. And he could tell sometimes, just by the way Brendan looked at him, that Brendan enjoyed it too. Being together. Equals almost.
They sorted each other out. If Ste was broke, Brendan bought him lunch and drinks. And in turn, Ste helped Brendan in any way he could too. He reminded Brendan to buy Cheryl a Christmas present, and when Brendan groaned about it, Ste went out and got it for him, and wrapped it for him and everything. He wouldn’t get much thanks for it, other than a half-arsed grunt of, “Yeah, cheers.” And yet they seemed to have reached some mutual understanding that Ste cherished. He LOVED being like this with Brendan. Just friends.
It was on Christmas Eve that things took a different turn. Ste was staying at Amy’s back in his old room, because the lodger she had had gone to stay with her parents over Christmas. It was Ste, Amy, Leah and Lucas. Back to normal for a short while. And they had a day of board games and classic Christmas films that were on the telly. They promised the kids they could open ONE present tonight before bed.
And that’s when the knock had come at the door.
Amy had answered. And Ste had just heard the muffled, “Oh. Wh… what are you doing here?”
It didn’t take Einstein to work out who it was. Amy didn’t use the same disdainful tone on anybody else that Ste knew of.
“Brendan!” he grinned, sliding up beside Amy at the door. “What are you doin’ here?”
“Yep, Happy Christmas to you too, guys. You really need to work on your welcomes.” Brendan chided, blank-faced. But as he did he held up two plastic bags, both bulging with large wrapped-up Christmas presents.
“For the kids.” He added unnecessarily.
“No way!”
“Brendan, you didn’t have to do that…” Amy muttered; more than a little bit uncomfortable.
“Well, you know, I came into some money. Not much to spend it on.” Brendan added an awkward laugh; trying to stifle the embarrassment he was quickly beginning to feel.
Amy frowned. “What do you mean you came into some…”
Ste quickly steered the conversation away from that forbidden route; trying to keep the peace, break the tension he called, “Leah! Lucas! Come see what Brendan’s bought for ya!”
Brendan followed him and Amy into the lounge, looking and feeling a little out of place as he squeezed beside Leah onto the tiny sofa and self-consciously handed over the present. He looked as if he was suddenly regretting his decision to come over here, aware of how exposed he now was with Leah grinning up at him, eyes shining with excitement, as she cried “Can I open it now?!”
Ste nodded, just as excited. “Yeah!”
“Errr, Ste.” Amy hissed, “They’ve already had one present tonight.”
“Yeah I know, but Brendan’s here now ain’t he, so… Go on Leah.”
Brendan chanced a glance at Amy, noticing how irritable she looked by the whole situation. But no chance to take it back now, with Leah already ripping the paper off the package, tossing it all to the floor, and Ste leaning over with eyes just as animated in anticipation. Brendan held back a laugh.
“What is it?” Leah mumbled, disappointed by the grown-up looking box she’d been given.
“Here, give us a look.” Ste pulled the box away.
Better save time. “It’s a Playstation 3.” Brendan explained, slightly sheepish. “And err… you know, a bunch of games in the other one, just… kids stuff, you know.”
“A playstation?!”
“Brendan, that must of cost a fortune!” Amy gasped
“No.” Brendan’s face was going slightly red, Ste noticed. “No, no, it was on sale, so….”
“Wh…” Ste was stunned. Amazed. Nobody had spent this much on their family, not ever. “What do you say kids?”
“Thank you Brendan!” the kids chimed.
“Mummy, can we play it now?!”
“Can we play Peppa Pig?!” Leah cried, already ripping open the presents in the other bag; about TWENTY or so playstation games.
“Okay, well…” Brendan stood immediately, brushing himself down. “It’s all there, all the batteries and leads an’ everything so, er… Yeah. Happy Christmas… etcetera.”
“Brendan, thank you so much.” Ste breathed, still quite unable to believe it.
“It’s not for you Stephen, don’t hog it now.”
Brendan quickly made his way towards the door with Ste following close behind, leaving the excited squeals of Leah and Lucas as they unveiled Sesame Street Sport and High School Musical Dance-Off.
“Right.” Brendan coughed as he pulled open the door. “Take care then, yeah?”
“Yeah…”
And that was it. Brendan was gone as quickly as he came, leaving nothing but the numb shock behind him that he would do something so generous. Even Amy had been speechless, Ste thought smugly. NOW she knew what kind of a bloke Brendan could be; this would show her.
He should have known better.
Because as soon as the kids were in bed, Amy was ripping into him again.
“I can’t BELIEVE you can’t see through his façade! It’s SO transparent Ste! I mean, all this, this must have cost him hundreds!”
“It’s for the KIDS. Not for me.”
“Oh, it’s for you!” Amy snapped. “And it’s workin’! Look at you! You couldn’t take your eyes off him when he was in here. Thinking he’s so kind and perfect as though NONE of the old stuff matters!”
“We’re just MATES, right?! Yeah. Just like you and me are. Or supposed to be!”
“WE ARE!” Amy shouted. “That’s why I’m TRYING to look out for you!”
“There is NO reason why you should be bothered that Brendan did a nice thing for our kids!” Ste yelled. “You’re just angry cos you know what you bought ‘em won’t live up to it.”
“Well yeah, actually.” Amy nodded, “That IS true. He KNOWS we can’t afford to give them stuff like that, he’s just showing us up to our own kids.”
“Oh, right, yeah, that’s why he did it, yeah.” Ste muttered sarcastically, slamming the dirty plates into the sink, fists clenched in annoyance.
“No, he did it so that THIS would happen! So that you would fall for him all over again. And I can’t believe you’re so STUPID that you can’t see it!”
Ste spun around, furious.
“Stupid?!”
“Well right now, YES.”
“Oh I’m not dealin’ with this!”
Ste chucked the last few plates in, pulling his hoody from the sofa, heading for the door.
“Ste, where are you going??”
“Anywhere. Away from here.”
God knows why he didn’t go back to the BnB. Just, walking through Hollyoaks, with all the Christmas lights on and curtains shut in every house, and cosiness on ever corner… he just didn’t want to be alone, not tonight. And it was freezing cold, and after a while he knew he just had to get inside… somewhere, anywhere. And he realised he may as well cut to the chase, because deep down he knew from the minute he left Amy’s that he’d be knocking on Brendan’s door.
Brendan’s house was completely silent as his familiar face peered round the door and distorted to shock as he saw Ste standing there.
“Stephen…?” he whispered.
Why was he whispering? The whole place was dark behind him. Intense in its silence.
“Hi.” Ste smiled lamely. Then shook himself internally, telling himself to stop being such a coward and come out and say it. “Err… Um…”
“What is it Stephen?”
“I just…… me and Amy had a fight.”
Brendan swallowed. He looked nervous. “Right?”
“And… well I don’t want to stay there tonight, that’s all.”
Brendan sighed. His eyes shut in exasperation. Fighting something inside himself.
And Ste’s heart hammered, sensing he’d done the wrong thing, he’d crossed the line; friends didn’t do this, this was stupid, he should just go and save himself the rejection, before…
“Okay.” Brendan breathed. “Come in. Quiet.”
Brendan stepped aside. Held open the door, and watched close as Ste hesitantly stepped inside. As Ste’s eyes immediately traced the room towards the sofa where he presumed he’d sleep… and saw that there was already someone lying on it. A mans figure.
“Who’s that?” He asked, perhaps a bit too loudly.
Brendan said nothing, just pressed a finger to his own lips, and beckoned Ste to follow upstairs.
Ste bit his lip. He hadn’t expected this. He’d only meant to sleep on the sofa, that’s all. But something about the way Brendan was beckoning him made him follow. Brendan didn’t want him to be here, in this lounge.
And sure enough, it was Brendans’ bedroom that Ste was led to.
He hung awkwardly in the doorway.
“Um…Bren…”
“What?” Brendan asked quietly, removing his shoes and his jacket. “You’ve slept with me before, haven’t you?”
Ste swallowed. “Look, maybe this is a bad idea…”
“What are you afraid of Stephen? It’s just sleeping, ain’t it? Unless you prefer the street.”
Brendan said no more after that. He left his jeans and jumper on and got underneath the bed covers, keeping over to the right side of the bed and shutting his eyes into sleep.
No expectations. No nothing.
So it was strange then how Ste’s body shivered with nerves as he pulled back the cover and shuffled in beside Brendan. And even lying back-to-back with him, fully covered in clothes, Ste found it hard to shut his eyes and ignore the intense feeling of being so close. It felt like Brendan’s eyes were on his back, even though he KNEW Brendan was asleep and lying the other way. Wasn’t he? Ste couldn’t take it upon himself to check.
All he knew is that he slept soundly that night. More comfortably than he had done in months.