FIC: I can pretend [John/Rodney - PG-13]
John is sitting on the bed, trying to read another few pages of War and Peace, but he can’t focus. His mind wanders. A couple days ago, he learned about Elizabeth’s death. Seeing her with his own eyes, but knowing that she wasn’t real, that she was some kind of machine, wasn’t exactly easy.
He gives up, leaves the bed and walks out of his room. He needs to talk to someone. It’s not his usual thing, but today, someone else’s presence would be good.
He walks through the empty corridors and ends up in front of the door to Rodney’s lab. John knows that Rodney will understand. He always does.
“Hey,” John says and walks up to Rodney, who’s sitting in front of his laptop.
“Ah, Sheppard. What are you doing here?” Rodney doesn’t look up from the screen.
“Couldn’t sleep.” John shrugs and leans against the lab table beside Rodney. “Any news?”
“No. In fact… I’m taking a break.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. Is that so hard to understand?” Rodney glares at him with piercing eyes.
“No, no. But why are you still here, then?” John asks.
“Because you’re keeping me here?”
“Okay, so, what about a mid-night snack?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“What?”
“I already ate.”
John looks at him with confusion. Rodney never refused a meal with him before.
“Are you alright?” he asks carefully.
“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” Rodney snaps back.
“You refused a meal. Isn’t that enough?”
“Sheppard, I’m fine. I ate ten minutes ago, so… not hungry.” Rodney turns off his laptop and turns around to face John. “Was there anything you needed?”
John shrugs. Now, he isn’t so sure that coming here was a right thing to do.
Rodney sighs.
“Okay, so why aren’t you in bed?”
“I couldn’t sleep, I told you so,” John answers.
“So you decided to come here and disturb me instead.”
“Actually… I came here to talk. You know, about… Elizabeth and maybe… other stuff.” John looks at his shoes and waits for Rodney’s reaction. He knows they agreed, even without saying the words, never to talk about the last trip to Earth and their conversation a week ago. But he can’t get it out of his mind. He doesn’t want anything, just to know that Rodney is here for him anytime.
“I couldn’t read, I couldn’t sleep,” says John. “My mind was full of Elizabeth and…” He stops. He doesn’t want to go there. Yes, he has got nightmares about Rodney being fed off by the Wraith, but he doesn’t want Rodney to know, not ever.
Rodney waits and watches him, but John can’t continue.
“You know,” Rodney says quietly, “I miss her too.”
John knows that Rodney and Elizabeth were friends even before Atlantis and he also knows how difficult it was for Rodney during her captivity. And now she’s dead. The second friend Rodney has lost in half a year.
“Rodney…” John puts his hand on Rodney’s shoulder. Rodney is shaking a little and stubbornly avoids John’s eyes. “I…”
“Don’t… just don’t…” Rodney shakes his head and puts his face in his hands and mumbles: “Not you.”
John thinks he understands. He lightly squeezes Rodney’s shoulder, puts his free hand on the other shoulder, and starts giving Rodney a backrub. Rodney tenses for a while, but then he relaxes and sits up straight.
“I know that we both suck at talking about... some things, but you can always come to me,” John says. “We needn’t talk, just… be here for each other.”
“Okay,” Rodney answers quietly and leans into John’s touch.
John stops and just lightly strokes Rodney’s shoulders with his thumbs. They stay that way for a while and then Rodney says:
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” John steps back and his hands slip off Rodney’s shoulder. But before he can take another step, Rodney catches his hand and stands up.
John watches him bemusedly as Rodney steps closer to him.
“Can I? I need…” But Rodney doesn’t finish, shakes his head and embraces John. John is surprised. He didn’t see it coming. But after his shock fades away, he hugs Rodney back. He buries his face in Rodney’s neck and hugs him tightly. Again, Rodney is shaking and John feels wet tears on his face. But he doesn’t say anything. Just strokes Rodney’s back soothingly and enjoys the feeling of Rodney’s warm body against his.
“You can’t die, John,” Rodney says after a long time. “At least not any time soon. I won’t survive your death. Carson, then Elizabeth… I won’t be able to survive you too.”
“I’m not gonna die, Rodney,” John says and kisses Rodney’s temple. He is aware of the fact that his words are a lie, but Rodney needs them now. Needs John’s presence and his support. He also knows that it was he who didn’t want to talk about his feelings, but now he can. He can pretend that they are the only thing that is important. He can pretend he loves Rodney and Rodney loves him back. For now the only thing in the world, in the galaxy, is Rodney’s well-being. And for that, John can pretend for one night.
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He gives up, leaves the bed and walks out of his room. He needs to talk to someone. It’s not his usual thing, but today, someone else’s presence would be good.
He walks through the empty corridors and ends up in front of the door to Rodney’s lab. John knows that Rodney will understand. He always does.
“Hey,” John says and walks up to Rodney, who’s sitting in front of his laptop.
“Ah, Sheppard. What are you doing here?” Rodney doesn’t look up from the screen.
“Couldn’t sleep.” John shrugs and leans against the lab table beside Rodney. “Any news?”
“No. In fact… I’m taking a break.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. Is that so hard to understand?” Rodney glares at him with piercing eyes.
“No, no. But why are you still here, then?” John asks.
“Because you’re keeping me here?”
“Okay, so, what about a mid-night snack?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“What?”
“I already ate.”
John looks at him with confusion. Rodney never refused a meal with him before.
“Are you alright?” he asks carefully.
“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” Rodney snaps back.
“You refused a meal. Isn’t that enough?”
“Sheppard, I’m fine. I ate ten minutes ago, so… not hungry.” Rodney turns off his laptop and turns around to face John. “Was there anything you needed?”
John shrugs. Now, he isn’t so sure that coming here was a right thing to do.
Rodney sighs.
“Okay, so why aren’t you in bed?”
“I couldn’t sleep, I told you so,” John answers.
“So you decided to come here and disturb me instead.”
“Actually… I came here to talk. You know, about… Elizabeth and maybe… other stuff.” John looks at his shoes and waits for Rodney’s reaction. He knows they agreed, even without saying the words, never to talk about the last trip to Earth and their conversation a week ago. But he can’t get it out of his mind. He doesn’t want anything, just to know that Rodney is here for him anytime.
“I couldn’t read, I couldn’t sleep,” says John. “My mind was full of Elizabeth and…” He stops. He doesn’t want to go there. Yes, he has got nightmares about Rodney being fed off by the Wraith, but he doesn’t want Rodney to know, not ever.
Rodney waits and watches him, but John can’t continue.
“You know,” Rodney says quietly, “I miss her too.”
John knows that Rodney and Elizabeth were friends even before Atlantis and he also knows how difficult it was for Rodney during her captivity. And now she’s dead. The second friend Rodney has lost in half a year.
“Rodney…” John puts his hand on Rodney’s shoulder. Rodney is shaking a little and stubbornly avoids John’s eyes. “I…”
“Don’t… just don’t…” Rodney shakes his head and puts his face in his hands and mumbles: “Not you.”
John thinks he understands. He lightly squeezes Rodney’s shoulder, puts his free hand on the other shoulder, and starts giving Rodney a backrub. Rodney tenses for a while, but then he relaxes and sits up straight.
“I know that we both suck at talking about... some things, but you can always come to me,” John says. “We needn’t talk, just… be here for each other.”
“Okay,” Rodney answers quietly and leans into John’s touch.
John stops and just lightly strokes Rodney’s shoulders with his thumbs. They stay that way for a while and then Rodney says:
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” John steps back and his hands slip off Rodney’s shoulder. But before he can take another step, Rodney catches his hand and stands up.
John watches him bemusedly as Rodney steps closer to him.
“Can I? I need…” But Rodney doesn’t finish, shakes his head and embraces John. John is surprised. He didn’t see it coming. But after his shock fades away, he hugs Rodney back. He buries his face in Rodney’s neck and hugs him tightly. Again, Rodney is shaking and John feels wet tears on his face. But he doesn’t say anything. Just strokes Rodney’s back soothingly and enjoys the feeling of Rodney’s warm body against his.
“You can’t die, John,” Rodney says after a long time. “At least not any time soon. I won’t survive your death. Carson, then Elizabeth… I won’t be able to survive you too.”
“I’m not gonna die, Rodney,” John says and kisses Rodney’s temple. He is aware of the fact that his words are a lie, but Rodney needs them now. Needs John’s presence and his support. He also knows that it was he who didn’t want to talk about his feelings, but now he can. He can pretend that they are the only thing that is important. He can pretend he loves Rodney and Rodney loves him back. For now the only thing in the world, in the galaxy, is Rodney’s well-being. And for that, John can pretend for one night.
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