Predicament
I'm in a bit of a predicament right now.
Almost 3 years ago, I came out to myself as a lesbian after a series of very bad hetero relationships, and one poly relationship with a man and a woman. Shortly thereafter, I came out to my family, and later even many of my coworkers, extended family, etc knew. I was very active in the LGBT community and have recently taken over a lesbian discussion group.
Well several months ago a man that goes to my gym started hitting on me. I dropped subtle hints that I was gay but he was oblivious. He invited me out on a his boat and I agreed because I thought he was a nice enough guy, and hell, it's not often that I get to go out on people's private boats lol. It was around then that I started realizing that I didn't want him to know I was gay. At that point I started to get a little scared. I had spent the last 3 years telling everyone that I was gay, and I REALLY did not want to start dating a man. So I came out to him anyway, thinking that maybe if I ignored those thoughts they'd go away. He backed off, figuring that he had no chance at all with me.
The third time I hung out with him outside of the gym, all I could think about was kissing him. I started to drop clues about my thoughts, saying things like "Well, there might be one man in the world that I'd consider being with"... Which of course he didn't pick up on lol. That night I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was extremely aroused thinking about him, in a way that I have never been before quite honestly (I had previously begun to wonder if I was asexual or just had a really low libido). After confiding in a friend, I decided to text him "I can't stop wishing I had kissed you." After a confusing conversation via text (he swore that I had meant that text for someone else, then told me to sleep on it after I said that it was indeed meant for him) we agreed to meet the next day. We've been dating for about 2 months now.
I'll leave the details out, but let's just say that we lead a very vibrant and amazing life both inside and outside of the bedroom. He is the best I have ever been with... again, both in and out of the bedroom.
Here's where my problem comes in. He's somewhat insecure about the whole lesbian thing, understandably. I don't have much experience with women. I was in a relationship with one for 3 months and I was not attracted to her at all. Sex was terrible between us. And I had a one night stand last year with a friend of mine. The sex was good but I was not attracted to her and was very drunk at the time. He wants me to experiment with some women now, while we're still young in the relationship, so I can better judge what I'm missing any maybe minimize the chance of me one day up and leaving him for a woman. My problem is that I don't usually do the casual sex thing (except when very intoxicated, as I learned last year). I need an emotional connection before opening myself up like that. And honestly, I'm still attracted to other women but I don't have any desire to be with anyone but him right now. No desire at all. I try to be very open with my feelings, compliment him often, and shower him with affection, but I know that he still has insecurities about this. And so do I. I'm afraid of hurting him, and also a bit afraid that if I do experiment with another woman, I'll decide I'd rather be involved with her and end up hurting her.
We've considered threesomes, which we're both interested in, but I don't want that to happen until we have a more solid foundation in our relationship. Maybe a year from now it'll be a possibility but not when things are still so new.
My first question is, how can I soothe him and myself as well? There's no doubt in my mind that I love him. We fell very fast and hard for one another, which is uncharacteristic for us both. I personally have never been in love so this is all new to me, but also unmistakeable.
My second question is, are there any other lesbians who are dating men? Or perhaps lesbian's not the right term, though I still FEEL gay, if that makes any sense. How do you cope with feeling like you're not a part of the lesbian OR straight community? I've essentially "come out" as dating a man to everyone I know, which has been a very emotional thing for me even though it's only garnered supportive and/or baffled reactions from those who knew me as a lesbian. I still don't fit in with the straight women who want my opinion on how hot a guy is (this is even worse since these particular women didn't know for sure that I was gay, but were suspecting it, but now believe I'm straight) because the only man I've ever found myself wanting to sleep with is the one who already shares my beds on many nights. But I no longer feel like I can go to all of the lesbian events I used to go to (happy hour, the discussion group, etc). This is probably not due to the atmosphere of my local lesbian community, but my own negative thoughts about being seen as a "traitor" or hasbian. Any suggestions?
Almost 3 years ago, I came out to myself as a lesbian after a series of very bad hetero relationships, and one poly relationship with a man and a woman. Shortly thereafter, I came out to my family, and later even many of my coworkers, extended family, etc knew. I was very active in the LGBT community and have recently taken over a lesbian discussion group.
Well several months ago a man that goes to my gym started hitting on me. I dropped subtle hints that I was gay but he was oblivious. He invited me out on a his boat and I agreed because I thought he was a nice enough guy, and hell, it's not often that I get to go out on people's private boats lol. It was around then that I started realizing that I didn't want him to know I was gay. At that point I started to get a little scared. I had spent the last 3 years telling everyone that I was gay, and I REALLY did not want to start dating a man. So I came out to him anyway, thinking that maybe if I ignored those thoughts they'd go away. He backed off, figuring that he had no chance at all with me.
The third time I hung out with him outside of the gym, all I could think about was kissing him. I started to drop clues about my thoughts, saying things like "Well, there might be one man in the world that I'd consider being with"... Which of course he didn't pick up on lol. That night I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was extremely aroused thinking about him, in a way that I have never been before quite honestly (I had previously begun to wonder if I was asexual or just had a really low libido). After confiding in a friend, I decided to text him "I can't stop wishing I had kissed you." After a confusing conversation via text (he swore that I had meant that text for someone else, then told me to sleep on it after I said that it was indeed meant for him) we agreed to meet the next day. We've been dating for about 2 months now.
I'll leave the details out, but let's just say that we lead a very vibrant and amazing life both inside and outside of the bedroom. He is the best I have ever been with... again, both in and out of the bedroom.
Here's where my problem comes in. He's somewhat insecure about the whole lesbian thing, understandably. I don't have much experience with women. I was in a relationship with one for 3 months and I was not attracted to her at all. Sex was terrible between us. And I had a one night stand last year with a friend of mine. The sex was good but I was not attracted to her and was very drunk at the time. He wants me to experiment with some women now, while we're still young in the relationship, so I can better judge what I'm missing any maybe minimize the chance of me one day up and leaving him for a woman. My problem is that I don't usually do the casual sex thing (except when very intoxicated, as I learned last year). I need an emotional connection before opening myself up like that. And honestly, I'm still attracted to other women but I don't have any desire to be with anyone but him right now. No desire at all. I try to be very open with my feelings, compliment him often, and shower him with affection, but I know that he still has insecurities about this. And so do I. I'm afraid of hurting him, and also a bit afraid that if I do experiment with another woman, I'll decide I'd rather be involved with her and end up hurting her.
We've considered threesomes, which we're both interested in, but I don't want that to happen until we have a more solid foundation in our relationship. Maybe a year from now it'll be a possibility but not when things are still so new.
My first question is, how can I soothe him and myself as well? There's no doubt in my mind that I love him. We fell very fast and hard for one another, which is uncharacteristic for us both. I personally have never been in love so this is all new to me, but also unmistakeable.
My second question is, are there any other lesbians who are dating men? Or perhaps lesbian's not the right term, though I still FEEL gay, if that makes any sense. How do you cope with feeling like you're not a part of the lesbian OR straight community? I've essentially "come out" as dating a man to everyone I know, which has been a very emotional thing for me even though it's only garnered supportive and/or baffled reactions from those who knew me as a lesbian. I still don't fit in with the straight women who want my opinion on how hot a guy is (this is even worse since these particular women didn't know for sure that I was gay, but were suspecting it, but now believe I'm straight) because the only man I've ever found myself wanting to sleep with is the one who already shares my beds on many nights. But I no longer feel like I can go to all of the lesbian events I used to go to (happy hour, the discussion group, etc). This is probably not due to the atmosphere of my local lesbian community, but my own negative thoughts about being seen as a "traitor" or hasbian. Any suggestions?