FIC for esmestrella: "To Save a Life"
Title: To Save a Life
Author: alexajohnson
Recipient: esmestrella
Rating: PG
Words: ~2,000
Warnings: None!
Summary: How different would Severus Snape’s life have been if Lily Evans had decided to forgive him?
Author's Notes: For the purpose of this story, the Whomping Willow incident happens right after the OWLs instead of before them. This is my first ever attempt at Snape/Lily, so I hope I’ve done them justice! Many thanks to my beta-you know who you are. =)
"Is this remorse, Severus?"
"I wish…I wish I were dead…"
"And what use would that be to anyone?" said Dumbledore coldly. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."
--Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, pg. 768
To Save a Life
There was something not quite right with the Marauders, and it did not take Lily Evans long to figure that out.
Sirius had been sulking for days and hadn't been speaking with Remus or James. Or perhaps Remus and James hadn't been speaking with him. She hadn't noticed anything unusual about Peter's behavior, except maybe that he'd been more skittish, but lately he was either with Sirius, or Remus and James.
Never the three at once.
She had been keeping to herself since Severus called her That Name, missing him more than she wanted to admit, and then getting angry with herself for caring. He'd tried to apologize, but she hadn't wanted to hear it.
Lily Evans was many things, but she was not stupid.
She'd heard him use The Word to refer to other students like her, and she'd been seeing him gradually get caught up in the darkness that surrounded the friends he hung out with that she so disliked.
And it was, as she was sitting in the common room feeling miserable about the whole thing, that she heard raised voices from the boys' dormitory, so loud in fact that she could make out every word.
"That's just it, Sirius. If you really cared as much as you claim to, you wouldn't have done this in the first place!"
"It was just a bit of fun, James! I'd have thought you of all people would have seen that." A bit of a whine had crept into Sirius's voice. "And anyway, I apologized to Remus. Or tried to. He wouldn't even look at me."
"I don't blame him. You used him, Sirius, and if you still can't see that, your family's messed you up more than I thought."
Lily winced, and the ensuing silence was so thick that even she felt uncomfortable.
If Sirius responded, it was too soft to make out, and after a minute or two James Potter appeared at the bottom of the steps, a pained look on his face.
She frowned over at him. "What's going on, James?"
He shrugged, but instead of joining her, he moved toward the exit. "Sirius is just an inconsiderate toerag. I need to take a walk, but I'll catch you later, Evans."
Not even a smidgen of flirting?
Definitely odd, she thought as he left.
Even when James Potter was in a hurry, he made it a point to at least include some kind of innuendo.
There was certainly something big going on here, and if it was going to drag on and disrupt the natural order of things, she was going to find out what it was, and hopefully put an end to it. But she wasn't going to confront James, Sirius, or even Peter.
She was going to ask Remus, the only one she really, truly trusted to be upfront with her.
She wasn't able to get Remus alone until a few days later, and when she found him he was sitting by himself in the back of the library.
"Mind if I join you?"
He lifted his face, and he even though he gave her a small smile she thought he looked paler and more tired than usual. “Oh hi, Lily. Sure, of course you can."
"I have a confession to make," she admitted as she sat down. "I didn't come here to do work-I came to speak with you."
His expression became guarded. "Anything…specific?"
She sighed. "Well, I few days ago I overheard a rather nasty row between James and Sirius, and a lot of things were mentioned, you among them, and-well I noticed that you four were spending hardly any time together, and I, er, know that Sirius has done something stupid that involved you, and I was just concerned, is all."
Remus's face darkened at the mention of Sirius's name. "You don't want to get involved, Lily."
"If this fight continues, it's going to start disrupting the entire House. You have my word that I won't spread any gossip if you want to keep this to yourselves, but I've been starting to get worried, and I'd like to help if I can," she offered, reaching across the table to put one of her hands over his.
There was a pregnant pause. Finally, reluctantly, Remus said, "We've been forbidden to talk about it, but I can make an exception with you, and… I guess it would be nice to confide in someone."
She squeezed his hands encouragingly, preparing herself for the worst, although she had no idea what that could possibly be.
"I suppose Sirius wanted to end the summer with a prank to top them all…"
If the story had come from anyone else but Remus, she wouldn't have believed it.
She had a hard time believing it as it was, and her horror had mounted with every word.
When Remus finished, all she could do was sit there, speechless, mouth slightly agape. She was aware, of course, of the prank war between Severus and the Marauders, but she'd thought they were pretty much harmless, intended mainly to humiliate. She'd known that the cruelty of the pranks had increased over the years, but she'd never thought Sirius capable of actually using Remus's condition to achieve such a gruesome end.
Hadn't he even thought, for a second, how Remus would have felt if he'd killed Severus?
It would've devastated him.
The fact it was Severus would have been inconsequential.
Severus had, of course, fallen for the bait, had gone looking for trouble.
She had only really considered Avery and Mulciber to be capable of such cruelty, but she had clearly underestimated Sirius's hatred of Severus, and the lengths he would go through to hurt him.
"I had thought Sirius to be above all that," she whispered, disappointed. "I mean-he can be an arrogant jerk, but then again so can James-but it's comforting to hear that even James doesn't hate Severus that much. Maybe Sirius wanted to get back at him for insulting me, but-he should've known I wouldn't have wanted this, even though Severus and I haven't been speaking. Did he really think he was being funny?"
"I imagine so, up until the point he realized we didn't. It's amazing he wasn't expelled, but he lost the House one hundred and fifty points and has to have detention until summer."
Even though she'd convinced herself that she'd cut off all ties with Severus, she couldn't help worrying about him. Even if he hadn't died, he could've just as easily have been bitten… "And is Severus-okay?"
Remus sighed. "I gave him a few nasty scratches on his back and chest, but James rescued him before I could do any real damage. I know it wasn't really me, that there was nothing I could've done to control myself-but I still have nightmares where I actually kill him, and getting expelled and sent to Azkaban…" He shuddered.
Lily was seething. Damn Sirius...
But Remus was continuing, his voice rising: "And the worst part of it all is that I miss his friendship! I had friends, best friends, and wish things could be as they were-and then I hate myself for wanting that after what he did to me! I know Sirius has problems with impulse control, that he does things without thinking all the time, but I never thought he would've taken advantage of my own darkness!"
"Just because you had the horrible misfortune to have been bitten by a werewolf doesn't make you a dark person, Remus," she insisted, wishing there were something else she could do to make him believe it. "I know you have trouble believing this, but I'm not the only one who believes it to be true! What Sirius did was beyond inconsiderate-it was vile, it was low, and by all means unforgivable-but what you can do is forgive him, help him overcome the darkness that lurks within him. You are one of the best people I have ever met, Remus Lupin. Don't you dare belittle yourself."
"You know," Remus mused, a thoughtful look on his face, "Sirius and Snape have a lot in common-probably part of the reason they hate each other so much-and while they did completely different things, I imagine we're feeling about the same.
I've never quite understood your friendship with Snape-then again, I don't think anyone really does-but I know he's been hanging around our common room, probably hoping to apologize to you. If you think you'd live to regret losing his friendship over something he said in humiliation and anger, you should probably hear it. I have no idea why I'm telling you this but-I imagine he's going through as rough a time as I am, now, and well, everyone needs at least one person who believes in them."
She sighed and ran her hands through her hair, something she did when she was frustrated. "I know, Remus. I mean, I figure it's about time he started treating me the way he treats everyone else who's, well, like me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I just-really hate this person he's becoming."
"How about this," said Remus, leaning towards her, "would you forgive Snape if I could forgive Sirius?"
She smiled, and he gave her a small one in return. "I'll see what I can do."
She found him sitting by the lake, throwing stones.
Taking a deep breath, she walked forward and sat down beside him. "Hi."
He stopped tossing in rocks, drew his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his them, but he didn't look at her. “I'm sorry."
She sighed heavily. "I know, Severus. And as much as I want to tell you to save your breath, I guess you can say I've been a little enlightened. I, er, heard about what happened the other night. At the Whomping Willow."
He glanced at her sharply, his mouth twisted with a sneer. "So Potter's been bragging about his daring rescue, has he?"
Lily frowned. "No, actually. He's been too busy fighting with Sirius. I know you've all been bound to silence, but I got Remus to tell me everything. I know you dislike them, but I think you're being a little ungrateful to James-whether or not you believe this is up to you, but Sirius acted alone, and no one thought it was very funny."
"I owe him a life debt. Potter. Did Lupin tell you that?" His hatred was so strong it was almost palpable in the air around them, and Lily resisted the urge to shudder. "Do you have any idea what it's like to owe your life to a sworn enemy?"
She didn't answer, and he snorted. "Of course you don't."
Her frown deepened. "Well, would you rather have rather killed, or worse-bitten? He didn't have to save you, and put his life at great risk too by going down there after you. And if you hadn't been so bent on trying to get them in trouble, none of this would've happened."
"They humiliated me-in front of the entire school, Lily-and that's the only reason why I called you that. I was angry. I wanted revenge too, but all I got was a Life Debt and a threat of expulsion if I spread word about Lupin. Shows how much Dumbledore really cares about his students," Severus grumbled, launching a rock viciously into the lake.
He'd always been a bitter youth, and she knew his parents had a lot to do with that-but his anger had only grown since he'd been at Hogwarts, and she knew she was supposed to be brave but it scared her.
She could end their friendship, and she knew, after what he'd called her so hatefully, that it would be within her right to do so.
But could she live with herself if that only pushed him further into darkness?
"Severus. Severus, look at me." He kept his eyes fastened sullenly at his feet, and only looked at her when she touched his cheek with her hand. "I see now that Sirius is capable of the same cruel humor as Avery and Mulciber, but there is good in him, just as I know there is good in you. But if you keep going down this road, I will not be able to follow you. I don't want to throw away our friendship, really I don't, but if you're not even going to try, I don't see that I have another choice."
He lowered his eyes, keeping his silence, and she sighed. "I was angry with you-but we grew up together, and I do care about you, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I didn't. But you have to want to fight the darkness and the hate. Do you, Severus?"
He made an uncommitted noise, but, after a few more minutes of inner struggle, he finally looked at her and said, "For you. I will for you."
She gave him a small smile, although it was a little sad. That wasn't quite the response she'd been hoping for-she'd rather he want to for himself, not her-but she supposed it was a start.
She didn't even know if at this point she could save him from himself.
But she could try.
FIN
Author: alexajohnson
Recipient: esmestrella
Rating: PG
Words: ~2,000
Warnings: None!
Summary: How different would Severus Snape’s life have been if Lily Evans had decided to forgive him?
Author's Notes: For the purpose of this story, the Whomping Willow incident happens right after the OWLs instead of before them. This is my first ever attempt at Snape/Lily, so I hope I’ve done them justice! Many thanks to my beta-you know who you are. =)
"Is this remorse, Severus?"
"I wish…I wish I were dead…"
"And what use would that be to anyone?" said Dumbledore coldly. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."
--Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, pg. 768
To Save a Life
There was something not quite right with the Marauders, and it did not take Lily Evans long to figure that out.
Sirius had been sulking for days and hadn't been speaking with Remus or James. Or perhaps Remus and James hadn't been speaking with him. She hadn't noticed anything unusual about Peter's behavior, except maybe that he'd been more skittish, but lately he was either with Sirius, or Remus and James.
Never the three at once.
She had been keeping to herself since Severus called her That Name, missing him more than she wanted to admit, and then getting angry with herself for caring. He'd tried to apologize, but she hadn't wanted to hear it.
Lily Evans was many things, but she was not stupid.
She'd heard him use The Word to refer to other students like her, and she'd been seeing him gradually get caught up in the darkness that surrounded the friends he hung out with that she so disliked.
And it was, as she was sitting in the common room feeling miserable about the whole thing, that she heard raised voices from the boys' dormitory, so loud in fact that she could make out every word.
"That's just it, Sirius. If you really cared as much as you claim to, you wouldn't have done this in the first place!"
"It was just a bit of fun, James! I'd have thought you of all people would have seen that." A bit of a whine had crept into Sirius's voice. "And anyway, I apologized to Remus. Or tried to. He wouldn't even look at me."
"I don't blame him. You used him, Sirius, and if you still can't see that, your family's messed you up more than I thought."
Lily winced, and the ensuing silence was so thick that even she felt uncomfortable.
If Sirius responded, it was too soft to make out, and after a minute or two James Potter appeared at the bottom of the steps, a pained look on his face.
She frowned over at him. "What's going on, James?"
He shrugged, but instead of joining her, he moved toward the exit. "Sirius is just an inconsiderate toerag. I need to take a walk, but I'll catch you later, Evans."
Not even a smidgen of flirting?
Definitely odd, she thought as he left.
Even when James Potter was in a hurry, he made it a point to at least include some kind of innuendo.
There was certainly something big going on here, and if it was going to drag on and disrupt the natural order of things, she was going to find out what it was, and hopefully put an end to it. But she wasn't going to confront James, Sirius, or even Peter.
She was going to ask Remus, the only one she really, truly trusted to be upfront with her.
She wasn't able to get Remus alone until a few days later, and when she found him he was sitting by himself in the back of the library.
"Mind if I join you?"
He lifted his face, and he even though he gave her a small smile she thought he looked paler and more tired than usual. “Oh hi, Lily. Sure, of course you can."
"I have a confession to make," she admitted as she sat down. "I didn't come here to do work-I came to speak with you."
His expression became guarded. "Anything…specific?"
She sighed. "Well, I few days ago I overheard a rather nasty row between James and Sirius, and a lot of things were mentioned, you among them, and-well I noticed that you four were spending hardly any time together, and I, er, know that Sirius has done something stupid that involved you, and I was just concerned, is all."
Remus's face darkened at the mention of Sirius's name. "You don't want to get involved, Lily."
"If this fight continues, it's going to start disrupting the entire House. You have my word that I won't spread any gossip if you want to keep this to yourselves, but I've been starting to get worried, and I'd like to help if I can," she offered, reaching across the table to put one of her hands over his.
There was a pregnant pause. Finally, reluctantly, Remus said, "We've been forbidden to talk about it, but I can make an exception with you, and… I guess it would be nice to confide in someone."
She squeezed his hands encouragingly, preparing herself for the worst, although she had no idea what that could possibly be.
"I suppose Sirius wanted to end the summer with a prank to top them all…"
If the story had come from anyone else but Remus, she wouldn't have believed it.
She had a hard time believing it as it was, and her horror had mounted with every word.
When Remus finished, all she could do was sit there, speechless, mouth slightly agape. She was aware, of course, of the prank war between Severus and the Marauders, but she'd thought they were pretty much harmless, intended mainly to humiliate. She'd known that the cruelty of the pranks had increased over the years, but she'd never thought Sirius capable of actually using Remus's condition to achieve such a gruesome end.
Hadn't he even thought, for a second, how Remus would have felt if he'd killed Severus?
It would've devastated him.
The fact it was Severus would have been inconsequential.
Severus had, of course, fallen for the bait, had gone looking for trouble.
She had only really considered Avery and Mulciber to be capable of such cruelty, but she had clearly underestimated Sirius's hatred of Severus, and the lengths he would go through to hurt him.
"I had thought Sirius to be above all that," she whispered, disappointed. "I mean-he can be an arrogant jerk, but then again so can James-but it's comforting to hear that even James doesn't hate Severus that much. Maybe Sirius wanted to get back at him for insulting me, but-he should've known I wouldn't have wanted this, even though Severus and I haven't been speaking. Did he really think he was being funny?"
"I imagine so, up until the point he realized we didn't. It's amazing he wasn't expelled, but he lost the House one hundred and fifty points and has to have detention until summer."
Even though she'd convinced herself that she'd cut off all ties with Severus, she couldn't help worrying about him. Even if he hadn't died, he could've just as easily have been bitten… "And is Severus-okay?"
Remus sighed. "I gave him a few nasty scratches on his back and chest, but James rescued him before I could do any real damage. I know it wasn't really me, that there was nothing I could've done to control myself-but I still have nightmares where I actually kill him, and getting expelled and sent to Azkaban…" He shuddered.
Lily was seething. Damn Sirius...
But Remus was continuing, his voice rising: "And the worst part of it all is that I miss his friendship! I had friends, best friends, and wish things could be as they were-and then I hate myself for wanting that after what he did to me! I know Sirius has problems with impulse control, that he does things without thinking all the time, but I never thought he would've taken advantage of my own darkness!"
"Just because you had the horrible misfortune to have been bitten by a werewolf doesn't make you a dark person, Remus," she insisted, wishing there were something else she could do to make him believe it. "I know you have trouble believing this, but I'm not the only one who believes it to be true! What Sirius did was beyond inconsiderate-it was vile, it was low, and by all means unforgivable-but what you can do is forgive him, help him overcome the darkness that lurks within him. You are one of the best people I have ever met, Remus Lupin. Don't you dare belittle yourself."
"You know," Remus mused, a thoughtful look on his face, "Sirius and Snape have a lot in common-probably part of the reason they hate each other so much-and while they did completely different things, I imagine we're feeling about the same.
I've never quite understood your friendship with Snape-then again, I don't think anyone really does-but I know he's been hanging around our common room, probably hoping to apologize to you. If you think you'd live to regret losing his friendship over something he said in humiliation and anger, you should probably hear it. I have no idea why I'm telling you this but-I imagine he's going through as rough a time as I am, now, and well, everyone needs at least one person who believes in them."
She sighed and ran her hands through her hair, something she did when she was frustrated. "I know, Remus. I mean, I figure it's about time he started treating me the way he treats everyone else who's, well, like me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I just-really hate this person he's becoming."
"How about this," said Remus, leaning towards her, "would you forgive Snape if I could forgive Sirius?"
She smiled, and he gave her a small one in return. "I'll see what I can do."
She found him sitting by the lake, throwing stones.
Taking a deep breath, she walked forward and sat down beside him. "Hi."
He stopped tossing in rocks, drew his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his them, but he didn't look at her. “I'm sorry."
She sighed heavily. "I know, Severus. And as much as I want to tell you to save your breath, I guess you can say I've been a little enlightened. I, er, heard about what happened the other night. At the Whomping Willow."
He glanced at her sharply, his mouth twisted with a sneer. "So Potter's been bragging about his daring rescue, has he?"
Lily frowned. "No, actually. He's been too busy fighting with Sirius. I know you've all been bound to silence, but I got Remus to tell me everything. I know you dislike them, but I think you're being a little ungrateful to James-whether or not you believe this is up to you, but Sirius acted alone, and no one thought it was very funny."
"I owe him a life debt. Potter. Did Lupin tell you that?" His hatred was so strong it was almost palpable in the air around them, and Lily resisted the urge to shudder. "Do you have any idea what it's like to owe your life to a sworn enemy?"
She didn't answer, and he snorted. "Of course you don't."
Her frown deepened. "Well, would you rather have rather killed, or worse-bitten? He didn't have to save you, and put his life at great risk too by going down there after you. And if you hadn't been so bent on trying to get them in trouble, none of this would've happened."
"They humiliated me-in front of the entire school, Lily-and that's the only reason why I called you that. I was angry. I wanted revenge too, but all I got was a Life Debt and a threat of expulsion if I spread word about Lupin. Shows how much Dumbledore really cares about his students," Severus grumbled, launching a rock viciously into the lake.
He'd always been a bitter youth, and she knew his parents had a lot to do with that-but his anger had only grown since he'd been at Hogwarts, and she knew she was supposed to be brave but it scared her.
She could end their friendship, and she knew, after what he'd called her so hatefully, that it would be within her right to do so.
But could she live with herself if that only pushed him further into darkness?
"Severus. Severus, look at me." He kept his eyes fastened sullenly at his feet, and only looked at her when she touched his cheek with her hand. "I see now that Sirius is capable of the same cruel humor as Avery and Mulciber, but there is good in him, just as I know there is good in you. But if you keep going down this road, I will not be able to follow you. I don't want to throw away our friendship, really I don't, but if you're not even going to try, I don't see that I have another choice."
He lowered his eyes, keeping his silence, and she sighed. "I was angry with you-but we grew up together, and I do care about you, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I didn't. But you have to want to fight the darkness and the hate. Do you, Severus?"
He made an uncommitted noise, but, after a few more minutes of inner struggle, he finally looked at her and said, "For you. I will for you."
She gave him a small smile, although it was a little sad. That wasn't quite the response she'd been hoping for-she'd rather he want to for himself, not her-but she supposed it was a start.
She didn't even know if at this point she could save him from himself.
But she could try.
FIN