FIC for pettydreams "Why Summer Orchids Wither"
Title: Why Summer Orchids Wither
Author: xnymphadorax
Recipient: pettydreams
Rating: PG
Words: ~9,600
Warnings: None
Summary: When Lily finds herself unable to remember the last two years of her life, she turns to Severus for guidance. What she discovers could mean unlocking a future that once passed her by.
Author's Notes: For pettydreams who wanted pre-Hogwarts and/or post-Hogwarts, family, Petunia, snarkiness, potions, prophecy and Harry. I didn’t quite get everything but your prompts inspired a story I never fathomed I could write. I hope you enjoy it.
Thank you to my beta, S, who encouraged me, corrected me and listened to my complaining.
*The dialog in some scenes has been taken directly from canon.
Why Summer Orchids Wither
Lily awoke to the bright lights of St. Mungo’s Spell Damage ward. She squinted up at them, wondering where she was and why it was so God-awfully bright.
“Oh God, am I dead?” she asked the ceiling.
“Not today, dear!” came a cheery voice.
Lily sat up abruptly, searching for the source of the cynical greeting. She regretted it immediately. Her head was pounding from the effort.
She spotted a short, stout woman with a white tuft of hair, clad in pale yellow robes. “Where am I?” Lily asked her.
“St. Mungo’s. You were hit with a nasty curse about a week ago. Your fiancé’s been by your side almost every moment. He’ll be so disappointed that he wasn’t here when you woke up.” The woman placed a vase full of yellow orchids on the small table beside Lily’s bed. “He only just left. Finally went home to get a good night sleep, the poor thing. I’m sure he’ll be back this afternoon.”
Lily stared at the assistant healer, wondering exactly what she was on about. She wanted to know who had cast a spell on her and why but she found herself asking something else entirely. “I’m sorry. Did you say fiancé?”
“Mmm-hmm. Tall, gangly fellow…. Dark hair, right?”
Before Lily could respond, the woman was bustling out of the room. Clearly, she was mistaken. Lily was quite certain she would remember such a thing as getting engaged! Particularly at her age; she imagined her parents would have blown a gasket at the mere thought.
Lily reached over to inspect the flowers, wondering who had been so considerate. She adored orchids and yellow was her favorite color. There was only one person she could think of who knew her so well. There was no name on the card, only the word ‘sorry,’ written in the slanted scrawl she knew so well.
“Ah, good to see you with your eyes open, Miss Evans! How are you feeling?” asked a tall man in lime green robes as he entered her room. He carried a purple clip-board and had a jovial manner about him. “I’m Healer Kinding. I’ve been overseeing your case.”
“I’m feeling alright. Thank you. I’m just a little bit confused… The woman who was just here says-”
“Yes, Assistant Healer Medlern. She informed me that you were awake. Let’s check your vitals, shall we? Lay back, please.”
Lily did as she was told, watching as the healer murmured complicated spells over her body. Upon looking down she discovered that she was glowing a bright shade of blue.
“Is that normal?” she asked, but the healer did not seem to be listening. He was frowning at a spot at the back of her temple and she wondered if her head was as blue as the rest of her.
“I just have a few questions for you,” the healer said. “Can you tell me your full name?”
“Lily Marie Evans.”
“And your date of birth?”
“January 30th,” Lily said easily. She added, “1960,” for good measure.
“Okay. How old are you, Lily?”
“Sixteen.”
The healer did not say anything. Instead he stared curiously at her chart, scanning it and shaking his head.
“Lily, what’s the last thing you remember?”
“Studying for OWLs in the library at Hogwarts.”
“OWLs?” he repeated.
“Certainly you know… Ordinary Wiz-”
“Yes, I know… Lily, I’m going to have Assistant Healer Medlern run a few more tests on you. I’m afraid we’ll have to do it before you have any visitors. Just as a precaution.”
“A precaution against what? Sir, what’s wrong?”
“We’ve not been able to ascertain all the effects of the curse you were hit with. It seems it is an entirely new spell. I just want to be sure we know what we’re dealing with.”
“Sir, can’t I at least see my parents?” Lily begged.
He hesitated, but after a moment seemed to give in. “Of course. Your parents have already been called. They should be here shortly.” As Healer Kinding made to leave, he spotted some magazines on her bedside table and scooped them up quickly as he exited.
Lily felt that he was definitely keeping something from her. She reviewed the answers she had provided him with and wondered if perhaps she had gone round the bend without having the slightest inkling of it. She was positive though that her answers had been perfect. They hadn’t been such difficult questions, after all.
Since the healer had taken her magazines, there wasn’t much else for Lily to do. She got out of bed and stretched, feeling her muscles cracking from neglect. She walked the length of her room, inspecting the adjoining loo and then the spectacular view from her window. She supposed all the rooms in St. Mungo’s must look this way. Her parents certainly couldn’t have afforded a room like this in Manchester Royal.
Some hours later, after the additional tests had been conducted, Lily sat contemplating what charms provided her with such a beautiful countryside view (she knew that St. Mungo’s was located in London). A soft tap came at her door suddenly, disrupting her thoughts.
“Come in,” Lily said, hoping it wasn’t the Assistant Healer again. The tests she’d run left Lily feeling lightheaded and the way the woman sighed dramatically with each wave of her wand, made Lily certain that something was being kept from her. Thankfully, the door opened to reveal her parents, looking tired but fantastically happy.
“Mum!” Lily cried, smiling brightly as her mother rushed toward her.
“Darling,” her mother said, matching her smile. She wrapped her arms around Lily, rubbing her back soothingly.
“How are you feeling?” her father asked, stepping forward for his own hug.
“Like I’ve been hit by a bus.”
Her mother winced. “Should I fetch the doctor? Do you need some medication? Honestly, I don’t know why we can’t transfer you to MRI. It’s so much closer. Or at least have Dr. Commons consult...”
“Statute of Secrecy, Mum... Besides, if I was injured by something magical, the Healers here will know best what to do. I’m alright, Mum, I promise. Just a little sore.”
“Well, if you’re sure…”
“I am.”
“We were really worried about you, love,” her father interjected. “We wouldn’t have left at all if it weren’t for-” Before he could utter another word, Lily’s mother swatted him roughly on the arm.
“If it hadn’t been for what?” Lily asked.
“Well, the doctors kept assuring us that everything would be fine, that’s all,” her mother said, eyeing her husband.
“Mum! What’s going on? Why won’t anyone tell me anything?”
“Now calm down, Lily. I’m sure the doctors are doing everything they can.”
Lily’s mother took her hand and started to say something but was interrupted by a knock at the door.
Dr. Kinding entered with his purple chart in hand. “Hello again,” he said. “I’m sorry to interrupt your visit, but I thought now would be a good time to discuss your prognosis.”
“Yes, I do too!” As much as she tried, Lily found it difficult to keep the anger out of her voice.
“Your scan indicated that there is some damage to the temporal lobe. It seems that the spell you were hit with was some sort of memory charm, although not one that we are familiar with. Its primary damage impacted your episodic memory.”
Lily looked at her parents but they both seemed unsurprised. Her mother was still holding her hand, tears streaming down her face. Her father stared unwaveringly at Healer Kinding, seemingly waiting for the man to say that everything would be fixed soon; that he knew exactly how to fix his daughter.
“That is to say, your long term memory has been altered,” Healer Kinding clarified. “You don’t remember several things that you should.”
“What are you saying, sir?”
“Lily, can you tell me today’s date?”
“June 3, 1976,” Lily responded, fearfully.
“Lily, I want you to understand that you are safe here and we’re going to do everything we can to reverse the effects of this spell.” He paused there, readying himself for his next words. “I must tell you, it’s July 4, 1978.”
Lily gasped, horrified.
“Please try to stay calm. You’re otherwise healthy and this does not appear to be a degenerative spell.”
“So when will you have it figured out?” her father asked.
“While I can’t provide you with an absolute timeline, I can assure you that our potion makers and charm analysts are among the best. We’ll keep you updated.” Turning to Lily, he continued, “Please try to stay calm. We’re doing everything we can.”
Despite her efforts to heed her Healer’s advice, Lily broke down as soon as he left. She could not contemplate the thought of having lost two years of her life. She’d lost two birthdays and her last years at Hogwarts... She had to wonder how many life-changing moments were simply gone.
Enveloping Lily in a tight hug, Mrs. Evans said, “Darling, everything is going to be fine.” Don’t you worry. It’s just like you said, the doctors know what they’re doing.”
The next few hours passed in somewhat of a blur. Lily would later recall her father leaving some time after the sun set and a hospital porter bringing in something to eat. Mostly she would remember obsessively trying to remember what had caused her amnesia and her mother refusing the Aurors when they arrived to question Lily.
It was as she picked over her pudding that a thought occurred to her.
“Mum?” Lily asked. “Where’s Severus?”
“Severus, darling?”
“Yes.” Lily looked at the flowers on her bedside table, smiling for the first time in several hours and wondering where her best mate was. If what the assistant healer said was correct, it was Severus who had become a rather important part of her life.
“Doesn’t he know I’m awake? The assistant healer said he was my fi- fi-” Lily stuttered on the word. It wasn’t as if she couldn’t conceive of it happening. Truth be told, she had been fantasizing a lot about Severus lately. She’d missed the entire section on troll wars in History of Magic just imagining what it would be like to kiss Severus. She imagined they’d be somewhere special like the park where they’d first met. It would be a warm summer day and she and Severus would sit hand in hand in the lush grass like they often did during summer hols. She knew it was cliché, but she loved to imagine that they’d be talking of the future when suddenly he’d turn to her and say, “The only thing that matters is that you’re a part of it.” Then he’d lean in and gently press his lips to hers. She imagined an array of first kisses similar to that one, always as she absent-mindedly scribbled ‘Mrs. Lily Snape’ across her parchment.
Lily wasn’t quite sure when she’d begun to fancy her best friend, but it was undeniable that she had. These days, just being close to him often made her heartbeat quicken. She did anything she could to touch him, just to feel that flutter of magic erupt in her stomach. Perhaps it was just hormones, but the occasional stubble she spied on his chin made her want to giggle and one of these days, she was going to find an excuse to touch it.
Despite her growing feelings for Severus, Lily couldn’t imagine being engaged to anyone at 18. A world of things must have changed in two years.
“She said my fiancé was here,” Lily blurted, suddenly coming back to reality.
Her mother looked at her strangely, as if Lily were speaking a foreign language she was struggling to comprehend. “Your fiancé was here… Only-oh, darling! It’s not Severus...”
Just then, a knock came at the door and before anyone could answer, James Potter walked in, clutching a large stuffed pink elephant. “Hello, love,” he said, softly, smiling at her. Depositing the elephant in her lap, he attempted to kiss her, but anticipating it, Lily ducked.
“Potter, what are you doing here?” she said, pushing him away.
James frowned, hurt etched into every line in his face. He addressed Mrs. Evans. “So it’s true?”
“Yes, James. But the doctors are working on a cure. Everything is going to be fine.”
“Don’t worry, Lily. I’m here now,” James said.
Scowling, Lily pushed the stuffed elephant to the floor. What did this prat think he was doing, waltzing into her room this way? And how did he know she was there anyway?
Suddenly something clicked in Lily’s mind and she understood exactly why James was there. It was not Severus that she was engaged to; it was James. She couldn’t fathom it. How had a boy she so despised become her greatest love? Surely this was another of his ridiculous pranks. She whimpered a little, starring from James to the elephant in abject horror.
“Lily, why don’t you and James talk for a while?” said her mother. “He was there when you were hurt. Perhaps you’ll be able to retrieve a memory. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
Unable to speak, Lily simply watched her mother leave, confused and inexplicably frightened.
James picked up the discarded elephant, looking at it contemplatively. “I think you hurt Mr. Elephant’s feelings.”
Lily watched as he dramatically hugged the elephant which was easily as big as a 5-year-old.
Ignoring his attempts to humor her, she got right to business. “You were there?”
He sighed. “Yes, I was there.”
“And what happened, exactly?”
“The healer said you think it’s 1976. What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Studying for OWLs with Sev.”
James cringed and Lily smiled triumphantly. She deeply resented him for walking through the door instead of Severus and she felt that his presence particularly, was the reason Severus was nowhere to be found.
James sat on the edge of the bed. “A lot’s changed since then, Lily.”
“Clearly.” She refused to look at him now. Her anger and confusion was beginning to overwhelm her and she couldn’t bear the thought of James Potter seeing her cry. From the corner of her eye she could see him looking after her with concern. He reached for her face and she flinched. “Please, James,” she said, unable to control her emotions any longer. “It’s been a long day. I just want to know how this happened.”
“Of course…” he said, resigned. About a week ago, you and I were at Fortescue’s when Death Eaters started to attack.”
“Death Eaters in Diagon Alley?”
“Yes. He’s not hiding anymore… He’s done biding his time.”
Suppressing the shudder that went through her, Lily asked, “So, what happened?”
“We heard shouting outside so we rushed out to help. There was chaos everywhere. Spells flying left and right. When it was all over, I couldn’t find you and when I did, you were unconscious.”
“So you have no idea who cursed me or what it was?”
James looked like he could have cried. “No. I’m so sorry, Lily. I’m sorry I let you down.”
“What are you on about, Potter? I’m more than capable of taking care of myself.”
He smiled. “There’s my Lily.”
Uncomfortable and unable to retort, Lily politely thanked James and asked him to leave. He was resistant at first but could not deny that his presence seemed to be causing her more distress than anything else. He left with the promise of returning the next day and Lily could only hope that she wouldn’t be there.
~*~
The next day, Lily awoke with the rise of the sun, determined to be released before noon.
“Sir, with all due respect, you said yourself that other than my memory, I’m perfectly healthy. I just want to go home, where I can be comfortable and surrounded by familiar things. Is there any reason why I can’t wait for this antidote in the comfort of my own home?”
“Miss Evans, I don’t want you to overexert yourself. I know that this is a trying time-”
“What is most trying about it, is being here. It could take months to create an antidote. Would you have me spend that time here, where I may only see my family for hours at a time?”
“You must try to understand-”
“Please, sir…” Lily tried. “I cannot stay here. Being in this room only makes it worse. I just feel so alone here…” Lily could instantly tell that she had touched upon a nerve.
“Alright. We’ll do a few more tests. Just to make sure… If everything is fine, we’ll have you checked out.”
Not an hour later, Lily was preparing to be released. After dressing, she went to the loo to brush her teeth and to attempt to tame her hair. She was distracted, however, by the woman she saw in the mirror. Gone were the soft features of the girl she once was. Instead, she saw a woman whose freckles had disappeared, leaving creamy, pale skin in its wake. The long hair she had always refused to cut was now just above her shoulders and the chubbiness she hated on her cheeks was gone. It was remarkable to see herself changed overnight, like looking into a future that had passed her by.
She hastily brushed her teeth and hair without looking into the mirror again.
When Lily arrived at home, she found it mostly unchanged. The furniture was positioned exactly as it had been throughout her childhood, save for a few new photographs mounted on the wall. Most notable were those of her sister’s wedding and the fact that she was not present in any of them. She supposed her relationship with Petunia was one thing that had not changed.
In her room, stuffed animals still littered her unmade bed and her books remained piled in tall stacks beside her desk. There were a few new posters on the wall and more photographs she couldn’t remember taking. James stood behind her in one, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. It was a wizarding photograph and the Lily in the picture kept turning to kiss him. Disturbed, Lily flipped it over. Another showed Lily and the Marauders by the lake at Hogwarts. James and Sirius were horsing around, as usual, while she and Remus looked on, laughing.
Looking away, Lily searched the room for updated pictures of Severus. Her heart sank when she found none and she decided to pay him a visit. Somehow, she knew that if anyone could explain to her just what had happened to change her life so dramatically in two years, it would be Sev.
Ignoring her mother’s protests, Lily set out across town, hoping that her friend hadn’t moved. He’d always been determined to leave Spinner’s End and coming of age just might have been the perfect time for it. When Lily arrived, she rang the doorbell and waited patiently, hoping Severus’s father wouldn’t answer the door. He had always seemed like such an angry man to her, not to mention that he’d been sloshed almost every time she’d seen him.
To her relief, Severus answered the door, wrenching it open with all the anger she remembered seeing in his father. He looked stricken and horrified at the sight of her. He looked around frantically before grabbing Lily’s wrist and hastily pulling her inside. “What are you doing? You can’t be here!” he said.
“It’s nice to see you, too.”
“What are you doing here?” he repeated. “You should be at home, resting.”
“I don’t need rest. What I need is my memory back. What I need is a friend.”
Severus seemed unable to speak, so Lily took the time to examine her best friend. If ever she needed proof that two years had indeed passed, Lily need only to look at Severus. He had grown several more inches, so that he was just past her height. His hair was longer, tied neatly behind his head. He wore a simple black button-down shirt and a pair of dark trousers that illuminated his thinness while still managing to make him look distinguished.
Swallowing down her shock, Lily continued. “Why haven’t you been to visit me? These last days have been the hardest of my life. It would have been nice to have my best mate around.”
“Lily,” he began slowly. “What is the last thing you remember?”
She sighed. “People keep asking me that. OWLs.”
Severus made no indication that he’d heard her other than to look briefly at his shoes. “Which one?” he asked after a moment, so low she could barely hear him.
“Last I remember we were studying for Herbology.”
Severus nodded brusquely and invited her to sit. “Tea?” he asked.
“Yes, please.”
Severus disappeared for a moment into the kitchen and returned with a tea service. He did not speak as he went about preparing the tea.
“Where’s your mother?” Lily asked awkwardly, trying to break the silence.
“Dead.”
Lily gasped a little, both at his statement and his nonchalance. “How? When?” she sputtered.
“A few months ago.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Yes, well…” He placed her tea in front of her and then calmly sipped his own.
“What of your father?”
“I have no idea where Tobias is and I don’t particularly care. He disappeared a few days after her funeral. Probably somewhere drinking himself to death. Lily, what is it you want from me? Surely, you realize that things have changed between us.”
“So I see. I thought I’d come to the source.”
“James must have been tickled,” he sneered. Lily was starting to get the impression she and Severus hadn’t simply fallen out of touch. Some rift had torn them apart and it was still eating at him.
“I do not know or care how James Potter feels. What I do know is that yesterday Madam Pince was ordering us out of the library for laughing too loudly and today you speak to me as if we were strangers.” She paused, reflecting upon the memory. “Severus, please.”
Severus closed his eyes for a moment, looking like some great battle was taking place within him. “You really don’t remember, do you?” he asked hoarsely.
“Remember what?”
“What happened between us.”
“No, I don’t. But I-”
Before she could utter another word, Severus was standing and exiting the room. He disappeared behind the bookshelf that concealed the first floor landing. When he returned, he was carrying what appeared to be a large, ornate cauldron.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a Pensieve. It’s used to hold memories.” Severus extracted several long cords of silver wisp from his head and place them within the Pensieve. When he was done, he turned to Lily, proffering his hand. He looked slightly nervous, but Lily took his hand without hesitation. Before she knew what happened, they had fallen into another world.
Suddenly in front of her was a long, dimly lit Hogwarts corridor. Younger versions of she and Severus were there, clad in their Hogwarts uniforms, in the middle of a row. Lily was immediately struck by how young and familiar their doubles looked. Severus’s hair was shorter, Lily’s was longer and they both looked inexplicably naïve.
Still holding her hand, Severus turned toward the scene, completely enraptured in it, seemingly unaware that Lily stood beside him.
“Severus, I’m scared!” cried the Lily from the memory. It was startling to see herself right before her eyes, knowing that this scene had occurred two years ago but not remembering it at all.
“You’ve nothing to fear for, Lily,” the young Severus replied.
“That isn’t true and you know it!” Tears were streaming down her face as she grew closer to him. Memory Severus was nervous, Lily could tell, but he held his ground and did not retreat.
“Don’t you know how important you are to me? You’re my best friend and I can’t stand that I’m losing you - to the likes of Avery and Mulciber! Severus, don’t you know that I-” She paused and present day Lily knew why. So many times had she practiced this moment before her mirror. She truly believed that Severus would change if only he knew the truth of her feelings. Lily could not believe she was about to watch her fantasy come to fruition and her guess was that her younger self couldn’t either. “I love you…” she finally said.
Younger Severus merely blinked. His face was unreadable but Lily held her ground. She twined their fingers together, waiting for his reply.
Severus stared incredulously from her face to their joined hands before speaking. “Lily, please don’t toy with me. I can’t-”
Cutting him off, Lily kissed him firmly on the lips. He kissed her back in earnest until they both heard footsteps approaching. James Potter turned the corner and Lily jumped away from Severus as if he were on fire.
“What’s all this? Snivellus bothering you, Evans?”
“No! James, what are you doing here?”
“Just out for a walk. It’s almost curfew…” he said darkly.
“You’re right, I should be going… It’s the Defense OWL tomorrow. Goodnight, Sev.” Looking at Severus one last time, Lily turned and left with James. Present day Lily could see the pain in Severus’s eyes as she left with his enemy.
The scene changed. The weather was fine and several students were outdoors enjoying it. Severus was reading as he walked across the great lawn.
“All right, Snivellus?” came the voice of James Potter.
Severus’s hand plunged into his pocket but he was too late. His wand went flying out of his hand and as he tried to retrieve it, he was knocked several feet from it.
“How'd the exam go, Snivelly?” James asked.
“I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,” Sirius interjected. “There'll be great grease marks all over it; they won't be able to read a word.” Several people laughed and beside Lily, modern day Severus tensed. She squeezed his hand and he turned to look at her, seeming to remember she was there. He released her hand and turned back toward the scene before them. Hurt, Lily too turned her attention to the scene.
“Scourgify!” James screamed, making a slew of frothy bubbles erupt from Severus’s mouth.
Lily recognized her own voice as a younger version of herself stormed across the lawn. “Leave him alone!” she screamed.
“All right, Evans?” said James.
“Leave him alone,” Lily repeated. “What's he done to you?”
“Well, it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…”
“You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone,” she said again.
“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” said James. “Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”
Lily looked at him with every indication of disgust. “I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid.”
“Bad luck, Prongs,” said Sirius.
Suddenly Severus was standing again, there was a flash of light and a large gash appeared on James’s face. Reacting quickly, James waved his wand and Severus was hanging upside-down.
Several onlookers laughed and cheered. Present day Lily was horrified to see the memory of herself nearly smile before shouting, “Let him down!”
“Certainly,” said James and Severus fell into a heap. He stood quickly, readying his wand.
Before he could retaliate, Sirius shouted “Petrificus Totalus!” and Severus fell once more to the ground, rigid and stiff.
“Leave him alone!” Lily shouted again, pulling out her own wand.
“Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,” said James.
“Take the curse off him, then!” she cried.
With a great sigh, James released the curse. “There you go,” he said, and Severus struggled to his feet.
“You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-” James began.
“I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!” Severus shouted, rage and hurt etched into his face. His expression turned quickly to shock as Lily registered his words and began to speak.
“Fine,” she said. “I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.”
Beside her, the present day Severus sighed deeply as the memory changed again. Lily’s heart was pounding in her chest. She could not believe that such a thing could ever happen and she wondered how Severus could possibly have dreamed up such a nightmare. How could she kiss him one night and then stand by calmly the next afternoon as he called her the most foul and disgusting word she knew? How could she simply insult him and walk away as if her heart weren’t breaking?
As Lily contemplated these thoughts, a new scene emerged.
“I’m sorry,” memory Severus pleaded.
“I’m not interested,” young Lily replied.
“I’m sorry!”
“Save your breath. I only came out here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep out here.”
“I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you a Mudblood. It just-”
“Slipped out? It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends - you see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join You-Know-Who, can you? I can’t pretend anymore. You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”
Present day Lily was horrified. She couldn’t understand how the conversation had shifted so quickly. It was true that Severus had insulted her in the worst way and there was no excuse for it but Lily knew why. She had kissed him and then walked away as if it were a dirty error in judgment. She had been embarrassed when James saw and instead of staying to talk about an event that would surely have changed the course of their relationship, she left with James Potter, the only person in the world Severus hated more than his father. Lily knew his temper and while Severus’s words could not be excused, she could certainly see how her actions had been the catalyst for them.
“No - listen, I didn’t mean-”
“-to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?”
When Severus didn’t respond, Lily walked back through the portrait whole, leaving Severus dejected and alone.
“Well, you know she had every right-” the Fat Lady began.
“Shut it!” Severus shouted, shooting red sparks toward the painting. In his anger, he missed and they hit the wall beside her. She shouted after him, but Severus was already walking away. Modern day Lily would have bet anything that he was crying.
Suddenly everything changed again and she and Severus were standing in the sitting room at Spinner’s End, staring at each other in utter silence.
Lily’s eyes were filled with tears that would not quite seem to fall. She needed to speak but could find no suitable words. It was so hard to believe that she had gained what she had been wishing for and then lost it so quickly. It was absolutely unbelievable that two years had passed since that horrible memory and she and Severus hadn’t spoken at all.
“Severus,” she began, not knowing what she intended to say. “I’m sorry,” she uttered without conscious volition.
“Why are you apologizing?”
“I was wrong, so wrong to leave with James. And then I-”
“No, Lily. Whatever you did, I should have never said such a thing. It was deplorable and I am so sorry. I will forever regret that moment.”
They both sat in silence for some time until Lily looked up, finally finding her words.
“Is it too late - for me to say, ‘I forgive you’?”
“Never,” he whispered, looking up.
Lily felt the weight of two years worth of anguish lift from her shoulders. She didn’t know how she had managed to carry it for so long, nor did she wish to ever feel such grief again.
When her heartbeat had steadied and her eyes dried, Lily turned to her friend. “Severus?” she asked.
“Yes?”
“How did we do on OWLs?”
He smiled. “Excellently.”
~*~
Over the next few days Lily spent more and more time at Severus’s house. Under his instruction, she Apparated directly into the parlor. At first she had insisted that she didn’t know how, but Severus assured her that she had learned in their seventh year and it was a skill she would retain. “It’s your episodic memory that’s been altered, not your implicit memory.” Of course, Lily had no idea what he was talking about but when he instructed her to try to Apparate into the kitchen, she did so effortlessly.
Lily soon learned that she was the only one with the privilege of Apparating directly into Severus’s house. However, he still seemed somewhat paranoid about her arriving unannounced. It wasn’t long before he installed an alarm. Whenever she would arrive, a loud, feminine voice would chime, “Lily!” and Severus would come rushing from wherever he was in the house. As annoying as it was, Lily could not deny that it was effective.
“Lily!” sang the annoying voice as its subject arrived. Lily rolled her eyes at it.
“You’re early today,” said Severus, rolling his sleeves down as he emerged from the kitchen. He had white powder on his nose and Lily giggled at the sight of him.
Gently brushing the powder from his face, she asked, “What have you been doing? Baking?”
“Hardly,” he said, feigning annoyance but Lily could tell he was fighting a smile. “I’m was working on a counter-potion for you; experimenting with powdered ivory…”
“Oh,” she said, impressed. “Mind if I watch?”
“Not at all,” he said, walking back into the kitchen. Inside, she found a cauldron bubbling on the range and several vials on the tabletop.
“How will you know when you’ve got it right?”
“I’ll know,” he said cryptically.
“May I make a suggestion?”
“Please.”
“Well, I understand that ivory, especially when powdered, can be particularly unstable. Why not add the hair of a feline to balance it?”
Severus’s eyes lit up. “Excellent idea,” he said. “Why don’t you get some? It’s on the bottom shelf of the cupboard, there.”
Lily selected a few burnt-orange hairs from the labeled jar and brought them to Severus. He motioned toward the cauldron and she dropped them in carefully, her forearm brushing his. She thought instantly of Potions class and how strangely domestic the entire thing had become in this setting. Her heart skipped a beat at the idea and her face grew warm.
“Severus?” she inquired as he began to stir slowly, counter-clockwise.
“Hmm?” he responded, never taking his eyes off of the cauldron.
“Do you ever think about what might have happened? If things had gone differently?”
“All the time.”
“What do you imagine?”
“That maybe I wouldn’t be living in this house alone. That maybe you’d be my fiancée instead of Potter’s.” He spoke calmly, his hand never ceasing its motion.
“Severus, maybe this is our chance for that to happen… Maybe we’re both done imagining.”
Severus’s hand stilled. He looked up at her, his eyes dark and piercing. “I’ve been wishing for two years that things were different. I’ve thought of a hundred different ways I could have changed everything. I never dreamed I would actually get my second chance.”
“You have…”
“I won’t waste it this time.” Without waiting for her to respond, Severus leaned forward and claimed her lips, marking them with his own. His touch was rough and urgent, desperate and insistent. The moment was unlike anything she had ever imagined, but she quite preferred the reality. Even though it technically wasn’t their first kiss, Lily fondly thought of it as the one that beat all her fantasies.
Pulling away, Severus rested his palm against her cheek, as if reassuring himself that she was there. “I love you,” he said. It was so simple, so honest and so incredibly perfect.
Lily echoed his words and then kissed him again, her entire body responding to his touch. She thought that she could feel her heart melting, warmed by Severus’s declaration. Her magic was rushing through her veins, excited and awakened by this new connection. Lily understood, despite the fact that she had never known it before, that she hadn’t been complete until that moment.
~*~
Each day after that she and Severus continued to match every girlish dream she’d ever had about them. She learned that unlike her fantasies, Severus’s kisses were eager and passionate. She never imagined how much she would love running her fingers through his long hair or how glorious it would feel to have his hand rest on the small of her back.
Her preoccupation with his afternoon shadow continued and there were many days when she convinced him to let it linger. One of Lily’s favorite pastimes became lying beside him on the sofa, softly caressing his barb. As much as he grumbled about having a prickly face, Lily suspected he favored those afternoons as well.
Sometimes she and Severus worked on her potion or else they read to each other from the expansive volumes in the parlor.
There were days when Severus was absent when she arrived and so she’d wait until he returned. When he did, he was often bruised or had otherwise minor injuries. Sometimes she found singes on the hem of his robes. Other times he would return in excellent shape, looking as if he had simply been out for a walk, but it was then that his countenance betrayed his wounds; it seemed as if he had encountered some horrifying, disgusting sight that left him troubled and anxious. Regardless, Severus never revealed where he had been or what he had been doing and they fought about the issue more than once.
Lily assumed that his mysterious disappearances had something to do with the war and were more than likely the reason he didn’t want her lingering outside his door. It bothered her to think that Severus felt her incompetent but he quelled those thoughts easily. Whenever she’d mention it, he’d kneel in front of her, taking her hands in his. He’d whisper that he’d wished every night to have her back in his life again and while he had every confidence in her abilities, he’d rather not take the chance. Severus told Lily that she was too rare and too irreplaceable in his life to be gambled with. Then he’d kiss her soundly and Lily would forget entirely what she had been upset about.
~*~
It had been nearly two months since Lily’s release from the hospital and according to Healer Kinding, there still hadn’t been any significant progress on her antidote. “The spell was quite complex and unorthodox,” he said. “We’ve never seen such concentrated damage inflicted by a single spell. Mister Potter has funded the visit of a potions specialist from Sweden. I’m sure his expertise will make all the difference!” Healer Kinding assured her, but Lily detected uncertainty in his voice.
Honestly, she wasn’t so sure she wanted her memories back. It turned out that her memory had been exactly what she and Severus needed to make up for lost time. If remembering the last two years meant that she would go back to hating Severus, Lily thought she’d rather do without them.
One afternoon, Lily Apparated into Severus’s parlor to the sweet smell of orchids.
“Lily!” cried the annoying voice and Severus walked in, carrying a neatly tied bunch of the flower.
“I thought you might enjoy the last bit of summer,” he said, offering them to her.
Lily was struck so suddenly by a thought that she dropped them. In her mind came the image of a vase full of fresh yellow orchids with a simple card that read, ‘sorry.’ She had known irrefutably at the time that they were from Severus but realizing she had lost her memory and discovering that she was engaged to James had taken her mind off of it completely.
“What were you sorry for?” she asked him urgently.
“Excuse me?”
“When I was in the hospital. You sent me a vase of orchids. On the card you wrote, ‘sorry’.”
Severus sighed. “I did.”
“Damn it, Severus, don’t play this game right now! What were you sorry for?” she demanded.
“For being careless,” he said in a low voice. It was several moments before he elaborated and it took all of Lily’s patience not to yell again. “I sent you the flowers to apologize for throwing that curse…” he confessed. “For making you lose your memory.”
Lily hastily drew breath as the memory came to her. It was a bright day in Diagon Alley, making it easy for Lily to see the curses and jinxes as they were thrown. She ducked them easily, sending her own in their direction. She suddenly heard a distinct voice through the chaos and she stopped abruptly. It was Severus’s voice. She stared at the figure that had once been her best friend. He was clothed in heavy black robes, wearing the white mask of death upon his face.
He was casting spells quickly and ruthlessly when he caught sight of Lily staring at him. He too, stopped as he recognized her. For a fleeting moment the pair stood motionless among the battle, horrified at the sight of one another. It was the rapidly approaching sound of a jinx that finally tore Severus from his stupor. Instinctively, he countered it with one of his own. His attacker responded with a shield charm, sending Severus’s spell rebounding in Lily’s direction. Before she could even think to duck, the spell hit her, knocking her to the ground.
“It was you,” Lily recalled.
“Lily, please listen to me-”
“No! All this time I thought you were part of the resistance. It was so clear that you had changed; I never even thought to ask. But really you’ve been one of his minions? Oh God…” she said, backing away.
Severus walked quickly toward her. “Lily, I beg you-”
“What could there possibly be to say? You thought me a fool! Stay away from me!” she said, aiming her wand. “Just stay away!” Without another thought, Lily turned on the spot, Disapparating.
Lily’s next few days were spent in restless despair. Her mother was constantly by her side, but there were no words which could quell her daughter’s grief. For months now, Lily had wondered how she could have chosen James over Severus. How she could have walked away from her best friend when he had faltered. The truth of it was that she had been right; Severus had been straying down a dangerous path then.
It hurt more than anything to lose Severus to that darkness. There were days when Lily almost wished she’d never lost her memory. She wished that she could go back to blissfully and ignorantly loving James without ever knowing what it was like to kiss Severus or to be held in his arms. She wished she had never known exactly what it was to feel his love.
Lily sat contemplating these things when the doorbell rang one afternoon. Her parents were out and so Lily dragged herself out of bed to see who was at the door. She opened it to reveal James Potter, leaning in the doorway with a single red rose perched between his teeth.
“A flower for a flower,” he said, offering her the rose and smiling.
Lily made to close the door, but James’s foot prevented her.
“What do you want, James?”
“To see how you are. You haven’t answered any of my letters.”
“I didn’t have anything to say.”
“So you haven’t recovered your memory yet?”
“Obviously not, James.”
“Well, you know my name. That’s a start! Can I come in?”
“I’m quite certain that you could.”
“Great Godric, Lily! May I come in?”
“No, you may not! Just go away!”
“Please, Lily. I miss you and I - I just wanted to see you. I just want to talk…”
Looking into James’s hazel eyes, Lily acknowledged something she had been ignoring since the beginning of her fifth year. She was attracted to James Potter. It was true, he was annoying, conceited and unnecessarily cruel but there was a part of her that tingled when he was near. It was nothing like the awakening of magic that she felt when she touched Severus. Just being in Severus’s company made her feel complete and more happy than she could ever remember being. No, her soul was not reaching out for James, but her body was. What she felt for James was chemical and primal; hunger and lust. It was what had made her leave when he’d caught her kissing Severus in that memory. Some part of her enjoyed James’s affections and didn’t want them to end. In fact, she wanted more of it.
Lily stepped aside and let James pass, unsure of exactly why.
“We started dating back in September - in the beginning of seventh year,” James told her. “It was during dinner that I said, like always, ‘Oi Evans, go out with me!’ You looked up and said, ‘Alright, James.’ I’ll never forget that.”
As James talked, Lily began to see some good in him. There was kindness in him, hidden beneath his arrogance. No doubt she had loved his dedication to his friends and his stalwart loyalty to good. Despite that, Lily still couldn’t see how she had ended up engaged to him at 18 when her heart was clearly in another place.
“It was on our last day at Hogwarts that I proposed. I spoke to Dumbledore and during the end-of-the-year feast he let me make an announcement. I stood up on the table and told you I loved you. I said I was so lucky to have you and if you would have me for the rest of my life, I’d spend every day showing you how much you mean to me. I asked you to marry me and you said yes. It was brilliant.”
Lily gaped at him. “You proposed to me in the middle of the Great Hall? With everyone watching?”
“Yeah,” said James, smiling to himself. “Your ring fell from a burst of lights above the table and landed directly on your finger.”
Lily was suddenly pulled into a memory. She saw herself sitting in the Great Hall, smiling up at James as she said ‘yes.’ She was crying as he took her hand and kissed it. She was overwhelmed by the grandeur of the moment and the fact that it was all for her. There was an eruption of lights above them and her ring fell from it, landing delicately on her finger. In the corner of her eye, Lily saw a flash of black slip through the doors and her heart clenched.
Snapping back to reality, Lily leapt from the sofa.
“Are you all right?” James asked, standing.
“I remember! Dumbledore set off fireworks.”
“Yes!” James cried hopefully, rushing to her side, but Lily backed away.
“I’m very tired suddenly. I’m sorry.”
“That’s alright. I’m just so glad that you’re remembering! Everything is going to be back normal soon. I can feel it!”
Ushering him toward the door, Lily nodded without really hearing him.
“How about I come by tomorrow?”
“Please don’t, James. I need some time.”
“Okay,” he said solemnly. “I understand.” Before she could react, James leaned forward and kissed her softly on the cheek. It was a feeling so familiar that she leaned into it for a moment before hastily pulling back.
Lily remained in the foyer after James was gone, overwhelmed and unable to accept that everything was changing again.
~*~
For several days, Lily ignored both Severus and James. She needed time to think about her priorities, her convictions and what was truly in her heart. That was somewhat difficult to do with James popping by every day and Severus’s owl, Poe, tapping at her window constantly. She refused to let the dark-feathered owl in, but he persistently followed her around the house, tapping at whichever window was nearest.
When she could get a quiet moment (usually in the downstairs loo which had no windows) she would compare the two men she loved. She thought of how safe and adored she felt with James and how dedicated he was to her. She considered how easy it was to be with Severus because he was her closest friend and there was nothing he didn’t know about her.
Lily tried to drown out Poe’s relentless knocking by playing an unfamiliar Wings record she had found, but the irritating bird could not be muffled. One evening in late August, when the incessant tapping become too much, Lily finally let him in. He snapped at her finger as he released his letter and Lily realized that she was not the only one who had grown tired of the tapping. He then sat dutifully upon her night table, watching her every move. Lily discarded the letter and went to reset the needle to the beginning of the song, but Poe hooted and clicked his beak at her. “What? Why are you still here?” she asked him.
Poe picked up the letter with his beak and brought it to her again, dropping it on top of her head.
“Oh fine. I suppose you won’t leave until I’ve read it?”
The bird merely blinked at her but she understood his meaning all the same. Severus’s letter was short and left Lily feeling rather disappointed. “Finished the antidote. Please come,” it read. There was a part of her that was scared to regain her memories but she knew that if she were to ever choose between Severus and James, she needed to know everything.
With Poe on her shoulder, Lily Apparated into Severus’s parlor. “Lily!” the alarm sang out but Severus was already sitting on the sofa, staring at her, as she arrived. His shirt sleeves were upturned, affording her the opportunity to notice the skull and snake that marred his pale skin. His eyes followed hers and Lily suddenly understood why her presence always needed to be announced.
“You finished the antidote?” Lily asked by way of greeting. Poe flew quickly from her, anticipating a row.
“I did.”
“How do you know?”
“It was my spell. I know.”
“Right.”
“I was planning to tell you everything,” Severus said rather suddenly. “I swear that to you. I just didn’t want to ruin our happiness before I had to.”
As much as Lily wanted to dismiss his words as rubbish, she understood why he would be frightened of telling her the whole truth. “But when were you going to tell me, Sev?” she asked.
“As soon as I finished the antidote.”
“So, right before I would have known anyway?”
“I’m sorry, Lily. I don’t know what else to say. I just didn’t want to lose you again.”
“Let’s just get this over with.”
Severus handed her the vial and she swallowed its contents quickly. It tasted like dust and mold; like days past and opportunities lost. Rather suddenly, she didn’t taste anything at all but was overcome by the feeling of memories engulfing her. She felt as if she were running through a stream of recollections, unable to stop and examine them but inexplicably aware of their every detail. She felt her mind filing away each moment of every day, storing them for later use.
Lily couldn’t be sure how long it lasted, but she felt exhausted when it was finally through. She discovered that she was now lying on Severus’s sofa rather than standing as she had been.
It was strange to have her old memories entwined with the new ones. She could clearly remember every detail of losing Severus and having fallen in love with James. At the same time she could not ignore how potent her feelings for Severus were. She loved James for his loyalty and his courage but she wanted Severus for his strength and his brilliance. Though her feelings were meshed together, Lily could clearly see where she belonged. Nothing but the entire truth could have made it so clear.
“Lily?” Severus asked, tentatively. “How do you feel?”
“It worked,” she replied, simply.
“Oh.” There was a part of him, she could tell, that was disappointed.
“Two years ago, I told you that it was too late to apologize. I can see now that I was right,” she told him. “You were already aiming to be a Death Eater. It breaks my heart to know that I lost you to them and even more so to realize that I could have saved you, if only I’d-” she faltered, feeling pain and regret welling up inside of her. “These past few days, I’ve been wishing that I’d never lost my memory, so that I’d never have known what I lost.”
Severus hung his head, dejectedly. Lily knew her words were tearing at his heart but she had to finish, she had to say it all.
“Those are the desperate, scared thoughts of a 16-year-old girl. Now, knowing everything, I thank God that you hit me with that spell. Without it, I never would have known that I was losing my soul mate. It’s now that’s our time, Sev, because we’ve grown up enough to appreciate each other. Severus,” Lily said, lifting his chin to look him in the eye. “My love for you is greater than any spell or lie or lamented decision that we made as children. Know that when I tell you, ‘I love you,’ I mean it. I mean that I’m willing to give up everything I know to be with you because I belong by your side.”
Severus was staring longingly at Lily, his eyes full of doubt and wonder. His eyes followed her hand as she twined their fingers together like she had on the night of their first kiss. She leaned forward, kissing him, trying desperately to make her words tangible.
“But Severus,” she whispered, pulling away slightly. “I won’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself. You have to choose.” Lily’s eyes began to overflow with tears as she backed away. “Will it be me - us,” she clarified. “Or him?” There could be no denying who she meant and Severus was speechless as he stared at her.
“It isn’t so simple… I can’t just-”
“Me or him?” she repeated, her raspy voice rising.
His own tears falling, Severus said, “It’s you, Lily.”
Lily rushed toward him. She wrapped her arms around his back, clutching him as if he were disappearing. Her heart had stood still as she waited for him to choose, genuinely terrified that he could not separate himself from the darkness that had lured him away from her. Severus held Lily’s head tightly to his chest, inhaling the scent of her as his other hand caressed her back. She could tell that he had been just as frightened as she.
“Always and only you,” he whispered into her hair. Lily felt the touch of a wand to her temple before she heard Severus clearly say, “Obliviate.”
She felt a surge of power rush through her, spreading throughout her brain quickly. Pulling away, she looked into Severus’s eyes, his anguish the last thing she saw before everything changed.
“Snape!” she screamed, leaping away from him. “What the bloody hell? Step away!” she shouted, looking around quickly for an escape.
Severus shouted, “Rictusempra!” causing Lily to succumb to a fit of giggles as her body erupted in tingles.
Lily quickly extracted her wand. “Expelliarmus!” she managed through her laughter, sending Severus’s wand flying across the room. Clutching her side, Lily Disapparated.
Once the tickling spell had worn off, Lily sat on the edge of her bed, wondering how she had ended up in Severus Snape’s sitting room. She hadn’t spoken to him in two years, nor had she even seen him since leaving Hogwarts a few weeks ago. The last thing she could remember was dueling Death Eaters in Diagon Alley when she’d heard his voice through the fray. She could only assume that Severus had knocked her out and kidnapped her. But she had to wonder why he would do such a thing. Despite the bitter end of their friendship, Lily had always believed that Severus still cared for her. She simply couldn’t believe that he would deliberately hurt her. Besides, he’d had his opportunity to hurt her and he’d cast a tickling spell, of all things…
Perhaps Severus had Apparated her out of harm’s way and she’d misinterpreted the situation completely. Regardless, Lily was happy to be home, safe in her bed. The last thing she wanted to do was revisit her relationship with Severus. At one time, there had been potential there, but he had proved whose side he was on long ago. It had taken her a long time to let go of hope, to accept that she and Severus would never be anything but enemies ever again. It had torn her apart but loving James had helped her to heal and as their love grew, she eventually stopped dreaming about her old friend.
Lily looked toward her night table, her eyes searching for James’s photograph to reassure her. She was surprised to find it turned over but quickly surmised that a breeze from the open window must have knocked it down. Surely, it was not a sign. She flicked her wand to close the window and lay down on her bed, allowing herself to imagine another lifetime where she might have had the chance to love Severus Snape.
Author: xnymphadorax
Recipient: pettydreams
Rating: PG
Words: ~9,600
Warnings: None
Summary: When Lily finds herself unable to remember the last two years of her life, she turns to Severus for guidance. What she discovers could mean unlocking a future that once passed her by.
Author's Notes: For pettydreams who wanted pre-Hogwarts and/or post-Hogwarts, family, Petunia, snarkiness, potions, prophecy and Harry. I didn’t quite get everything but your prompts inspired a story I never fathomed I could write. I hope you enjoy it.
Thank you to my beta, S, who encouraged me, corrected me and listened to my complaining.
*The dialog in some scenes has been taken directly from canon.
Why Summer Orchids Wither
Lily awoke to the bright lights of St. Mungo’s Spell Damage ward. She squinted up at them, wondering where she was and why it was so God-awfully bright.
“Oh God, am I dead?” she asked the ceiling.
“Not today, dear!” came a cheery voice.
Lily sat up abruptly, searching for the source of the cynical greeting. She regretted it immediately. Her head was pounding from the effort.
She spotted a short, stout woman with a white tuft of hair, clad in pale yellow robes. “Where am I?” Lily asked her.
“St. Mungo’s. You were hit with a nasty curse about a week ago. Your fiancé’s been by your side almost every moment. He’ll be so disappointed that he wasn’t here when you woke up.” The woman placed a vase full of yellow orchids on the small table beside Lily’s bed. “He only just left. Finally went home to get a good night sleep, the poor thing. I’m sure he’ll be back this afternoon.”
Lily stared at the assistant healer, wondering exactly what she was on about. She wanted to know who had cast a spell on her and why but she found herself asking something else entirely. “I’m sorry. Did you say fiancé?”
“Mmm-hmm. Tall, gangly fellow…. Dark hair, right?”
Before Lily could respond, the woman was bustling out of the room. Clearly, she was mistaken. Lily was quite certain she would remember such a thing as getting engaged! Particularly at her age; she imagined her parents would have blown a gasket at the mere thought.
Lily reached over to inspect the flowers, wondering who had been so considerate. She adored orchids and yellow was her favorite color. There was only one person she could think of who knew her so well. There was no name on the card, only the word ‘sorry,’ written in the slanted scrawl she knew so well.
“Ah, good to see you with your eyes open, Miss Evans! How are you feeling?” asked a tall man in lime green robes as he entered her room. He carried a purple clip-board and had a jovial manner about him. “I’m Healer Kinding. I’ve been overseeing your case.”
“I’m feeling alright. Thank you. I’m just a little bit confused… The woman who was just here says-”
“Yes, Assistant Healer Medlern. She informed me that you were awake. Let’s check your vitals, shall we? Lay back, please.”
Lily did as she was told, watching as the healer murmured complicated spells over her body. Upon looking down she discovered that she was glowing a bright shade of blue.
“Is that normal?” she asked, but the healer did not seem to be listening. He was frowning at a spot at the back of her temple and she wondered if her head was as blue as the rest of her.
“I just have a few questions for you,” the healer said. “Can you tell me your full name?”
“Lily Marie Evans.”
“And your date of birth?”
“January 30th,” Lily said easily. She added, “1960,” for good measure.
“Okay. How old are you, Lily?”
“Sixteen.”
The healer did not say anything. Instead he stared curiously at her chart, scanning it and shaking his head.
“Lily, what’s the last thing you remember?”
“Studying for OWLs in the library at Hogwarts.”
“OWLs?” he repeated.
“Certainly you know… Ordinary Wiz-”
“Yes, I know… Lily, I’m going to have Assistant Healer Medlern run a few more tests on you. I’m afraid we’ll have to do it before you have any visitors. Just as a precaution.”
“A precaution against what? Sir, what’s wrong?”
“We’ve not been able to ascertain all the effects of the curse you were hit with. It seems it is an entirely new spell. I just want to be sure we know what we’re dealing with.”
“Sir, can’t I at least see my parents?” Lily begged.
He hesitated, but after a moment seemed to give in. “Of course. Your parents have already been called. They should be here shortly.” As Healer Kinding made to leave, he spotted some magazines on her bedside table and scooped them up quickly as he exited.
Lily felt that he was definitely keeping something from her. She reviewed the answers she had provided him with and wondered if perhaps she had gone round the bend without having the slightest inkling of it. She was positive though that her answers had been perfect. They hadn’t been such difficult questions, after all.
Since the healer had taken her magazines, there wasn’t much else for Lily to do. She got out of bed and stretched, feeling her muscles cracking from neglect. She walked the length of her room, inspecting the adjoining loo and then the spectacular view from her window. She supposed all the rooms in St. Mungo’s must look this way. Her parents certainly couldn’t have afforded a room like this in Manchester Royal.
Some hours later, after the additional tests had been conducted, Lily sat contemplating what charms provided her with such a beautiful countryside view (she knew that St. Mungo’s was located in London). A soft tap came at her door suddenly, disrupting her thoughts.
“Come in,” Lily said, hoping it wasn’t the Assistant Healer again. The tests she’d run left Lily feeling lightheaded and the way the woman sighed dramatically with each wave of her wand, made Lily certain that something was being kept from her. Thankfully, the door opened to reveal her parents, looking tired but fantastically happy.
“Mum!” Lily cried, smiling brightly as her mother rushed toward her.
“Darling,” her mother said, matching her smile. She wrapped her arms around Lily, rubbing her back soothingly.
“How are you feeling?” her father asked, stepping forward for his own hug.
“Like I’ve been hit by a bus.”
Her mother winced. “Should I fetch the doctor? Do you need some medication? Honestly, I don’t know why we can’t transfer you to MRI. It’s so much closer. Or at least have Dr. Commons consult...”
“Statute of Secrecy, Mum... Besides, if I was injured by something magical, the Healers here will know best what to do. I’m alright, Mum, I promise. Just a little sore.”
“Well, if you’re sure…”
“I am.”
“We were really worried about you, love,” her father interjected. “We wouldn’t have left at all if it weren’t for-” Before he could utter another word, Lily’s mother swatted him roughly on the arm.
“If it hadn’t been for what?” Lily asked.
“Well, the doctors kept assuring us that everything would be fine, that’s all,” her mother said, eyeing her husband.
“Mum! What’s going on? Why won’t anyone tell me anything?”
“Now calm down, Lily. I’m sure the doctors are doing everything they can.”
Lily’s mother took her hand and started to say something but was interrupted by a knock at the door.
Dr. Kinding entered with his purple chart in hand. “Hello again,” he said. “I’m sorry to interrupt your visit, but I thought now would be a good time to discuss your prognosis.”
“Yes, I do too!” As much as she tried, Lily found it difficult to keep the anger out of her voice.
“Your scan indicated that there is some damage to the temporal lobe. It seems that the spell you were hit with was some sort of memory charm, although not one that we are familiar with. Its primary damage impacted your episodic memory.”
Lily looked at her parents but they both seemed unsurprised. Her mother was still holding her hand, tears streaming down her face. Her father stared unwaveringly at Healer Kinding, seemingly waiting for the man to say that everything would be fixed soon; that he knew exactly how to fix his daughter.
“That is to say, your long term memory has been altered,” Healer Kinding clarified. “You don’t remember several things that you should.”
“What are you saying, sir?”
“Lily, can you tell me today’s date?”
“June 3, 1976,” Lily responded, fearfully.
“Lily, I want you to understand that you are safe here and we’re going to do everything we can to reverse the effects of this spell.” He paused there, readying himself for his next words. “I must tell you, it’s July 4, 1978.”
Lily gasped, horrified.
“Please try to stay calm. You’re otherwise healthy and this does not appear to be a degenerative spell.”
“So when will you have it figured out?” her father asked.
“While I can’t provide you with an absolute timeline, I can assure you that our potion makers and charm analysts are among the best. We’ll keep you updated.” Turning to Lily, he continued, “Please try to stay calm. We’re doing everything we can.”
Despite her efforts to heed her Healer’s advice, Lily broke down as soon as he left. She could not contemplate the thought of having lost two years of her life. She’d lost two birthdays and her last years at Hogwarts... She had to wonder how many life-changing moments were simply gone.
Enveloping Lily in a tight hug, Mrs. Evans said, “Darling, everything is going to be fine.” Don’t you worry. It’s just like you said, the doctors know what they’re doing.”
The next few hours passed in somewhat of a blur. Lily would later recall her father leaving some time after the sun set and a hospital porter bringing in something to eat. Mostly she would remember obsessively trying to remember what had caused her amnesia and her mother refusing the Aurors when they arrived to question Lily.
It was as she picked over her pudding that a thought occurred to her.
“Mum?” Lily asked. “Where’s Severus?”
“Severus, darling?”
“Yes.” Lily looked at the flowers on her bedside table, smiling for the first time in several hours and wondering where her best mate was. If what the assistant healer said was correct, it was Severus who had become a rather important part of her life.
“Doesn’t he know I’m awake? The assistant healer said he was my fi- fi-” Lily stuttered on the word. It wasn’t as if she couldn’t conceive of it happening. Truth be told, she had been fantasizing a lot about Severus lately. She’d missed the entire section on troll wars in History of Magic just imagining what it would be like to kiss Severus. She imagined they’d be somewhere special like the park where they’d first met. It would be a warm summer day and she and Severus would sit hand in hand in the lush grass like they often did during summer hols. She knew it was cliché, but she loved to imagine that they’d be talking of the future when suddenly he’d turn to her and say, “The only thing that matters is that you’re a part of it.” Then he’d lean in and gently press his lips to hers. She imagined an array of first kisses similar to that one, always as she absent-mindedly scribbled ‘Mrs. Lily Snape’ across her parchment.
Lily wasn’t quite sure when she’d begun to fancy her best friend, but it was undeniable that she had. These days, just being close to him often made her heartbeat quicken. She did anything she could to touch him, just to feel that flutter of magic erupt in her stomach. Perhaps it was just hormones, but the occasional stubble she spied on his chin made her want to giggle and one of these days, she was going to find an excuse to touch it.
Despite her growing feelings for Severus, Lily couldn’t imagine being engaged to anyone at 18. A world of things must have changed in two years.
“She said my fiancé was here,” Lily blurted, suddenly coming back to reality.
Her mother looked at her strangely, as if Lily were speaking a foreign language she was struggling to comprehend. “Your fiancé was here… Only-oh, darling! It’s not Severus...”
Just then, a knock came at the door and before anyone could answer, James Potter walked in, clutching a large stuffed pink elephant. “Hello, love,” he said, softly, smiling at her. Depositing the elephant in her lap, he attempted to kiss her, but anticipating it, Lily ducked.
“Potter, what are you doing here?” she said, pushing him away.
James frowned, hurt etched into every line in his face. He addressed Mrs. Evans. “So it’s true?”
“Yes, James. But the doctors are working on a cure. Everything is going to be fine.”
“Don’t worry, Lily. I’m here now,” James said.
Scowling, Lily pushed the stuffed elephant to the floor. What did this prat think he was doing, waltzing into her room this way? And how did he know she was there anyway?
Suddenly something clicked in Lily’s mind and she understood exactly why James was there. It was not Severus that she was engaged to; it was James. She couldn’t fathom it. How had a boy she so despised become her greatest love? Surely this was another of his ridiculous pranks. She whimpered a little, starring from James to the elephant in abject horror.
“Lily, why don’t you and James talk for a while?” said her mother. “He was there when you were hurt. Perhaps you’ll be able to retrieve a memory. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
Unable to speak, Lily simply watched her mother leave, confused and inexplicably frightened.
James picked up the discarded elephant, looking at it contemplatively. “I think you hurt Mr. Elephant’s feelings.”
Lily watched as he dramatically hugged the elephant which was easily as big as a 5-year-old.
Ignoring his attempts to humor her, she got right to business. “You were there?”
He sighed. “Yes, I was there.”
“And what happened, exactly?”
“The healer said you think it’s 1976. What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Studying for OWLs with Sev.”
James cringed and Lily smiled triumphantly. She deeply resented him for walking through the door instead of Severus and she felt that his presence particularly, was the reason Severus was nowhere to be found.
James sat on the edge of the bed. “A lot’s changed since then, Lily.”
“Clearly.” She refused to look at him now. Her anger and confusion was beginning to overwhelm her and she couldn’t bear the thought of James Potter seeing her cry. From the corner of her eye she could see him looking after her with concern. He reached for her face and she flinched. “Please, James,” she said, unable to control her emotions any longer. “It’s been a long day. I just want to know how this happened.”
“Of course…” he said, resigned. About a week ago, you and I were at Fortescue’s when Death Eaters started to attack.”
“Death Eaters in Diagon Alley?”
“Yes. He’s not hiding anymore… He’s done biding his time.”
Suppressing the shudder that went through her, Lily asked, “So, what happened?”
“We heard shouting outside so we rushed out to help. There was chaos everywhere. Spells flying left and right. When it was all over, I couldn’t find you and when I did, you were unconscious.”
“So you have no idea who cursed me or what it was?”
James looked like he could have cried. “No. I’m so sorry, Lily. I’m sorry I let you down.”
“What are you on about, Potter? I’m more than capable of taking care of myself.”
He smiled. “There’s my Lily.”
Uncomfortable and unable to retort, Lily politely thanked James and asked him to leave. He was resistant at first but could not deny that his presence seemed to be causing her more distress than anything else. He left with the promise of returning the next day and Lily could only hope that she wouldn’t be there.
~*~
The next day, Lily awoke with the rise of the sun, determined to be released before noon.
“Sir, with all due respect, you said yourself that other than my memory, I’m perfectly healthy. I just want to go home, where I can be comfortable and surrounded by familiar things. Is there any reason why I can’t wait for this antidote in the comfort of my own home?”
“Miss Evans, I don’t want you to overexert yourself. I know that this is a trying time-”
“What is most trying about it, is being here. It could take months to create an antidote. Would you have me spend that time here, where I may only see my family for hours at a time?”
“You must try to understand-”
“Please, sir…” Lily tried. “I cannot stay here. Being in this room only makes it worse. I just feel so alone here…” Lily could instantly tell that she had touched upon a nerve.
“Alright. We’ll do a few more tests. Just to make sure… If everything is fine, we’ll have you checked out.”
Not an hour later, Lily was preparing to be released. After dressing, she went to the loo to brush her teeth and to attempt to tame her hair. She was distracted, however, by the woman she saw in the mirror. Gone were the soft features of the girl she once was. Instead, she saw a woman whose freckles had disappeared, leaving creamy, pale skin in its wake. The long hair she had always refused to cut was now just above her shoulders and the chubbiness she hated on her cheeks was gone. It was remarkable to see herself changed overnight, like looking into a future that had passed her by.
She hastily brushed her teeth and hair without looking into the mirror again.
When Lily arrived at home, she found it mostly unchanged. The furniture was positioned exactly as it had been throughout her childhood, save for a few new photographs mounted on the wall. Most notable were those of her sister’s wedding and the fact that she was not present in any of them. She supposed her relationship with Petunia was one thing that had not changed.
In her room, stuffed animals still littered her unmade bed and her books remained piled in tall stacks beside her desk. There were a few new posters on the wall and more photographs she couldn’t remember taking. James stood behind her in one, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. It was a wizarding photograph and the Lily in the picture kept turning to kiss him. Disturbed, Lily flipped it over. Another showed Lily and the Marauders by the lake at Hogwarts. James and Sirius were horsing around, as usual, while she and Remus looked on, laughing.
Looking away, Lily searched the room for updated pictures of Severus. Her heart sank when she found none and she decided to pay him a visit. Somehow, she knew that if anyone could explain to her just what had happened to change her life so dramatically in two years, it would be Sev.
Ignoring her mother’s protests, Lily set out across town, hoping that her friend hadn’t moved. He’d always been determined to leave Spinner’s End and coming of age just might have been the perfect time for it. When Lily arrived, she rang the doorbell and waited patiently, hoping Severus’s father wouldn’t answer the door. He had always seemed like such an angry man to her, not to mention that he’d been sloshed almost every time she’d seen him.
To her relief, Severus answered the door, wrenching it open with all the anger she remembered seeing in his father. He looked stricken and horrified at the sight of her. He looked around frantically before grabbing Lily’s wrist and hastily pulling her inside. “What are you doing? You can’t be here!” he said.
“It’s nice to see you, too.”
“What are you doing here?” he repeated. “You should be at home, resting.”
“I don’t need rest. What I need is my memory back. What I need is a friend.”
Severus seemed unable to speak, so Lily took the time to examine her best friend. If ever she needed proof that two years had indeed passed, Lily need only to look at Severus. He had grown several more inches, so that he was just past her height. His hair was longer, tied neatly behind his head. He wore a simple black button-down shirt and a pair of dark trousers that illuminated his thinness while still managing to make him look distinguished.
Swallowing down her shock, Lily continued. “Why haven’t you been to visit me? These last days have been the hardest of my life. It would have been nice to have my best mate around.”
“Lily,” he began slowly. “What is the last thing you remember?”
She sighed. “People keep asking me that. OWLs.”
Severus made no indication that he’d heard her other than to look briefly at his shoes. “Which one?” he asked after a moment, so low she could barely hear him.
“Last I remember we were studying for Herbology.”
Severus nodded brusquely and invited her to sit. “Tea?” he asked.
“Yes, please.”
Severus disappeared for a moment into the kitchen and returned with a tea service. He did not speak as he went about preparing the tea.
“Where’s your mother?” Lily asked awkwardly, trying to break the silence.
“Dead.”
Lily gasped a little, both at his statement and his nonchalance. “How? When?” she sputtered.
“A few months ago.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Yes, well…” He placed her tea in front of her and then calmly sipped his own.
“What of your father?”
“I have no idea where Tobias is and I don’t particularly care. He disappeared a few days after her funeral. Probably somewhere drinking himself to death. Lily, what is it you want from me? Surely, you realize that things have changed between us.”
“So I see. I thought I’d come to the source.”
“James must have been tickled,” he sneered. Lily was starting to get the impression she and Severus hadn’t simply fallen out of touch. Some rift had torn them apart and it was still eating at him.
“I do not know or care how James Potter feels. What I do know is that yesterday Madam Pince was ordering us out of the library for laughing too loudly and today you speak to me as if we were strangers.” She paused, reflecting upon the memory. “Severus, please.”
Severus closed his eyes for a moment, looking like some great battle was taking place within him. “You really don’t remember, do you?” he asked hoarsely.
“Remember what?”
“What happened between us.”
“No, I don’t. But I-”
Before she could utter another word, Severus was standing and exiting the room. He disappeared behind the bookshelf that concealed the first floor landing. When he returned, he was carrying what appeared to be a large, ornate cauldron.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a Pensieve. It’s used to hold memories.” Severus extracted several long cords of silver wisp from his head and place them within the Pensieve. When he was done, he turned to Lily, proffering his hand. He looked slightly nervous, but Lily took his hand without hesitation. Before she knew what happened, they had fallen into another world.
Suddenly in front of her was a long, dimly lit Hogwarts corridor. Younger versions of she and Severus were there, clad in their Hogwarts uniforms, in the middle of a row. Lily was immediately struck by how young and familiar their doubles looked. Severus’s hair was shorter, Lily’s was longer and they both looked inexplicably naïve.
Still holding her hand, Severus turned toward the scene, completely enraptured in it, seemingly unaware that Lily stood beside him.
“Severus, I’m scared!” cried the Lily from the memory. It was startling to see herself right before her eyes, knowing that this scene had occurred two years ago but not remembering it at all.
“You’ve nothing to fear for, Lily,” the young Severus replied.
“That isn’t true and you know it!” Tears were streaming down her face as she grew closer to him. Memory Severus was nervous, Lily could tell, but he held his ground and did not retreat.
“Don’t you know how important you are to me? You’re my best friend and I can’t stand that I’m losing you - to the likes of Avery and Mulciber! Severus, don’t you know that I-” She paused and present day Lily knew why. So many times had she practiced this moment before her mirror. She truly believed that Severus would change if only he knew the truth of her feelings. Lily could not believe she was about to watch her fantasy come to fruition and her guess was that her younger self couldn’t either. “I love you…” she finally said.
Younger Severus merely blinked. His face was unreadable but Lily held her ground. She twined their fingers together, waiting for his reply.
Severus stared incredulously from her face to their joined hands before speaking. “Lily, please don’t toy with me. I can’t-”
Cutting him off, Lily kissed him firmly on the lips. He kissed her back in earnest until they both heard footsteps approaching. James Potter turned the corner and Lily jumped away from Severus as if he were on fire.
“What’s all this? Snivellus bothering you, Evans?”
“No! James, what are you doing here?”
“Just out for a walk. It’s almost curfew…” he said darkly.
“You’re right, I should be going… It’s the Defense OWL tomorrow. Goodnight, Sev.” Looking at Severus one last time, Lily turned and left with James. Present day Lily could see the pain in Severus’s eyes as she left with his enemy.
The scene changed. The weather was fine and several students were outdoors enjoying it. Severus was reading as he walked across the great lawn.
“All right, Snivellus?” came the voice of James Potter.
Severus’s hand plunged into his pocket but he was too late. His wand went flying out of his hand and as he tried to retrieve it, he was knocked several feet from it.
“How'd the exam go, Snivelly?” James asked.
“I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,” Sirius interjected. “There'll be great grease marks all over it; they won't be able to read a word.” Several people laughed and beside Lily, modern day Severus tensed. She squeezed his hand and he turned to look at her, seeming to remember she was there. He released her hand and turned back toward the scene before them. Hurt, Lily too turned her attention to the scene.
“Scourgify!” James screamed, making a slew of frothy bubbles erupt from Severus’s mouth.
Lily recognized her own voice as a younger version of herself stormed across the lawn. “Leave him alone!” she screamed.
“All right, Evans?” said James.
“Leave him alone,” Lily repeated. “What's he done to you?”
“Well, it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…”
“You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone,” she said again.
“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” said James. “Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”
Lily looked at him with every indication of disgust. “I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid.”
“Bad luck, Prongs,” said Sirius.
Suddenly Severus was standing again, there was a flash of light and a large gash appeared on James’s face. Reacting quickly, James waved his wand and Severus was hanging upside-down.
Several onlookers laughed and cheered. Present day Lily was horrified to see the memory of herself nearly smile before shouting, “Let him down!”
“Certainly,” said James and Severus fell into a heap. He stood quickly, readying his wand.
Before he could retaliate, Sirius shouted “Petrificus Totalus!” and Severus fell once more to the ground, rigid and stiff.
“Leave him alone!” Lily shouted again, pulling out her own wand.
“Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,” said James.
“Take the curse off him, then!” she cried.
With a great sigh, James released the curse. “There you go,” he said, and Severus struggled to his feet.
“You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-” James began.
“I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!” Severus shouted, rage and hurt etched into his face. His expression turned quickly to shock as Lily registered his words and began to speak.
“Fine,” she said. “I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.”
Beside her, the present day Severus sighed deeply as the memory changed again. Lily’s heart was pounding in her chest. She could not believe that such a thing could ever happen and she wondered how Severus could possibly have dreamed up such a nightmare. How could she kiss him one night and then stand by calmly the next afternoon as he called her the most foul and disgusting word she knew? How could she simply insult him and walk away as if her heart weren’t breaking?
As Lily contemplated these thoughts, a new scene emerged.
“I’m sorry,” memory Severus pleaded.
“I’m not interested,” young Lily replied.
“I’m sorry!”
“Save your breath. I only came out here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep out here.”
“I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you a Mudblood. It just-”
“Slipped out? It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends - you see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join You-Know-Who, can you? I can’t pretend anymore. You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”
Present day Lily was horrified. She couldn’t understand how the conversation had shifted so quickly. It was true that Severus had insulted her in the worst way and there was no excuse for it but Lily knew why. She had kissed him and then walked away as if it were a dirty error in judgment. She had been embarrassed when James saw and instead of staying to talk about an event that would surely have changed the course of their relationship, she left with James Potter, the only person in the world Severus hated more than his father. Lily knew his temper and while Severus’s words could not be excused, she could certainly see how her actions had been the catalyst for them.
“No - listen, I didn’t mean-”
“-to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?”
When Severus didn’t respond, Lily walked back through the portrait whole, leaving Severus dejected and alone.
“Well, you know she had every right-” the Fat Lady began.
“Shut it!” Severus shouted, shooting red sparks toward the painting. In his anger, he missed and they hit the wall beside her. She shouted after him, but Severus was already walking away. Modern day Lily would have bet anything that he was crying.
Suddenly everything changed again and she and Severus were standing in the sitting room at Spinner’s End, staring at each other in utter silence.
Lily’s eyes were filled with tears that would not quite seem to fall. She needed to speak but could find no suitable words. It was so hard to believe that she had gained what she had been wishing for and then lost it so quickly. It was absolutely unbelievable that two years had passed since that horrible memory and she and Severus hadn’t spoken at all.
“Severus,” she began, not knowing what she intended to say. “I’m sorry,” she uttered without conscious volition.
“Why are you apologizing?”
“I was wrong, so wrong to leave with James. And then I-”
“No, Lily. Whatever you did, I should have never said such a thing. It was deplorable and I am so sorry. I will forever regret that moment.”
They both sat in silence for some time until Lily looked up, finally finding her words.
“Is it too late - for me to say, ‘I forgive you’?”
“Never,” he whispered, looking up.
Lily felt the weight of two years worth of anguish lift from her shoulders. She didn’t know how she had managed to carry it for so long, nor did she wish to ever feel such grief again.
When her heartbeat had steadied and her eyes dried, Lily turned to her friend. “Severus?” she asked.
“Yes?”
“How did we do on OWLs?”
He smiled. “Excellently.”
~*~
Over the next few days Lily spent more and more time at Severus’s house. Under his instruction, she Apparated directly into the parlor. At first she had insisted that she didn’t know how, but Severus assured her that she had learned in their seventh year and it was a skill she would retain. “It’s your episodic memory that’s been altered, not your implicit memory.” Of course, Lily had no idea what he was talking about but when he instructed her to try to Apparate into the kitchen, she did so effortlessly.
Lily soon learned that she was the only one with the privilege of Apparating directly into Severus’s house. However, he still seemed somewhat paranoid about her arriving unannounced. It wasn’t long before he installed an alarm. Whenever she would arrive, a loud, feminine voice would chime, “Lily!” and Severus would come rushing from wherever he was in the house. As annoying as it was, Lily could not deny that it was effective.
“Lily!” sang the annoying voice as its subject arrived. Lily rolled her eyes at it.
“You’re early today,” said Severus, rolling his sleeves down as he emerged from the kitchen. He had white powder on his nose and Lily giggled at the sight of him.
Gently brushing the powder from his face, she asked, “What have you been doing? Baking?”
“Hardly,” he said, feigning annoyance but Lily could tell he was fighting a smile. “I’m was working on a counter-potion for you; experimenting with powdered ivory…”
“Oh,” she said, impressed. “Mind if I watch?”
“Not at all,” he said, walking back into the kitchen. Inside, she found a cauldron bubbling on the range and several vials on the tabletop.
“How will you know when you’ve got it right?”
“I’ll know,” he said cryptically.
“May I make a suggestion?”
“Please.”
“Well, I understand that ivory, especially when powdered, can be particularly unstable. Why not add the hair of a feline to balance it?”
Severus’s eyes lit up. “Excellent idea,” he said. “Why don’t you get some? It’s on the bottom shelf of the cupboard, there.”
Lily selected a few burnt-orange hairs from the labeled jar and brought them to Severus. He motioned toward the cauldron and she dropped them in carefully, her forearm brushing his. She thought instantly of Potions class and how strangely domestic the entire thing had become in this setting. Her heart skipped a beat at the idea and her face grew warm.
“Severus?” she inquired as he began to stir slowly, counter-clockwise.
“Hmm?” he responded, never taking his eyes off of the cauldron.
“Do you ever think about what might have happened? If things had gone differently?”
“All the time.”
“What do you imagine?”
“That maybe I wouldn’t be living in this house alone. That maybe you’d be my fiancée instead of Potter’s.” He spoke calmly, his hand never ceasing its motion.
“Severus, maybe this is our chance for that to happen… Maybe we’re both done imagining.”
Severus’s hand stilled. He looked up at her, his eyes dark and piercing. “I’ve been wishing for two years that things were different. I’ve thought of a hundred different ways I could have changed everything. I never dreamed I would actually get my second chance.”
“You have…”
“I won’t waste it this time.” Without waiting for her to respond, Severus leaned forward and claimed her lips, marking them with his own. His touch was rough and urgent, desperate and insistent. The moment was unlike anything she had ever imagined, but she quite preferred the reality. Even though it technically wasn’t their first kiss, Lily fondly thought of it as the one that beat all her fantasies.
Pulling away, Severus rested his palm against her cheek, as if reassuring himself that she was there. “I love you,” he said. It was so simple, so honest and so incredibly perfect.
Lily echoed his words and then kissed him again, her entire body responding to his touch. She thought that she could feel her heart melting, warmed by Severus’s declaration. Her magic was rushing through her veins, excited and awakened by this new connection. Lily understood, despite the fact that she had never known it before, that she hadn’t been complete until that moment.
~*~
Each day after that she and Severus continued to match every girlish dream she’d ever had about them. She learned that unlike her fantasies, Severus’s kisses were eager and passionate. She never imagined how much she would love running her fingers through his long hair or how glorious it would feel to have his hand rest on the small of her back.
Her preoccupation with his afternoon shadow continued and there were many days when she convinced him to let it linger. One of Lily’s favorite pastimes became lying beside him on the sofa, softly caressing his barb. As much as he grumbled about having a prickly face, Lily suspected he favored those afternoons as well.
Sometimes she and Severus worked on her potion or else they read to each other from the expansive volumes in the parlor.
There were days when Severus was absent when she arrived and so she’d wait until he returned. When he did, he was often bruised or had otherwise minor injuries. Sometimes she found singes on the hem of his robes. Other times he would return in excellent shape, looking as if he had simply been out for a walk, but it was then that his countenance betrayed his wounds; it seemed as if he had encountered some horrifying, disgusting sight that left him troubled and anxious. Regardless, Severus never revealed where he had been or what he had been doing and they fought about the issue more than once.
Lily assumed that his mysterious disappearances had something to do with the war and were more than likely the reason he didn’t want her lingering outside his door. It bothered her to think that Severus felt her incompetent but he quelled those thoughts easily. Whenever she’d mention it, he’d kneel in front of her, taking her hands in his. He’d whisper that he’d wished every night to have her back in his life again and while he had every confidence in her abilities, he’d rather not take the chance. Severus told Lily that she was too rare and too irreplaceable in his life to be gambled with. Then he’d kiss her soundly and Lily would forget entirely what she had been upset about.
~*~
It had been nearly two months since Lily’s release from the hospital and according to Healer Kinding, there still hadn’t been any significant progress on her antidote. “The spell was quite complex and unorthodox,” he said. “We’ve never seen such concentrated damage inflicted by a single spell. Mister Potter has funded the visit of a potions specialist from Sweden. I’m sure his expertise will make all the difference!” Healer Kinding assured her, but Lily detected uncertainty in his voice.
Honestly, she wasn’t so sure she wanted her memories back. It turned out that her memory had been exactly what she and Severus needed to make up for lost time. If remembering the last two years meant that she would go back to hating Severus, Lily thought she’d rather do without them.
One afternoon, Lily Apparated into Severus’s parlor to the sweet smell of orchids.
“Lily!” cried the annoying voice and Severus walked in, carrying a neatly tied bunch of the flower.
“I thought you might enjoy the last bit of summer,” he said, offering them to her.
Lily was struck so suddenly by a thought that she dropped them. In her mind came the image of a vase full of fresh yellow orchids with a simple card that read, ‘sorry.’ She had known irrefutably at the time that they were from Severus but realizing she had lost her memory and discovering that she was engaged to James had taken her mind off of it completely.
“What were you sorry for?” she asked him urgently.
“Excuse me?”
“When I was in the hospital. You sent me a vase of orchids. On the card you wrote, ‘sorry’.”
Severus sighed. “I did.”
“Damn it, Severus, don’t play this game right now! What were you sorry for?” she demanded.
“For being careless,” he said in a low voice. It was several moments before he elaborated and it took all of Lily’s patience not to yell again. “I sent you the flowers to apologize for throwing that curse…” he confessed. “For making you lose your memory.”
Lily hastily drew breath as the memory came to her. It was a bright day in Diagon Alley, making it easy for Lily to see the curses and jinxes as they were thrown. She ducked them easily, sending her own in their direction. She suddenly heard a distinct voice through the chaos and she stopped abruptly. It was Severus’s voice. She stared at the figure that had once been her best friend. He was clothed in heavy black robes, wearing the white mask of death upon his face.
He was casting spells quickly and ruthlessly when he caught sight of Lily staring at him. He too, stopped as he recognized her. For a fleeting moment the pair stood motionless among the battle, horrified at the sight of one another. It was the rapidly approaching sound of a jinx that finally tore Severus from his stupor. Instinctively, he countered it with one of his own. His attacker responded with a shield charm, sending Severus’s spell rebounding in Lily’s direction. Before she could even think to duck, the spell hit her, knocking her to the ground.
“It was you,” Lily recalled.
“Lily, please listen to me-”
“No! All this time I thought you were part of the resistance. It was so clear that you had changed; I never even thought to ask. But really you’ve been one of his minions? Oh God…” she said, backing away.
Severus walked quickly toward her. “Lily, I beg you-”
“What could there possibly be to say? You thought me a fool! Stay away from me!” she said, aiming her wand. “Just stay away!” Without another thought, Lily turned on the spot, Disapparating.
Lily’s next few days were spent in restless despair. Her mother was constantly by her side, but there were no words which could quell her daughter’s grief. For months now, Lily had wondered how she could have chosen James over Severus. How she could have walked away from her best friend when he had faltered. The truth of it was that she had been right; Severus had been straying down a dangerous path then.
It hurt more than anything to lose Severus to that darkness. There were days when Lily almost wished she’d never lost her memory. She wished that she could go back to blissfully and ignorantly loving James without ever knowing what it was like to kiss Severus or to be held in his arms. She wished she had never known exactly what it was to feel his love.
Lily sat contemplating these things when the doorbell rang one afternoon. Her parents were out and so Lily dragged herself out of bed to see who was at the door. She opened it to reveal James Potter, leaning in the doorway with a single red rose perched between his teeth.
“A flower for a flower,” he said, offering her the rose and smiling.
Lily made to close the door, but James’s foot prevented her.
“What do you want, James?”
“To see how you are. You haven’t answered any of my letters.”
“I didn’t have anything to say.”
“So you haven’t recovered your memory yet?”
“Obviously not, James.”
“Well, you know my name. That’s a start! Can I come in?”
“I’m quite certain that you could.”
“Great Godric, Lily! May I come in?”
“No, you may not! Just go away!”
“Please, Lily. I miss you and I - I just wanted to see you. I just want to talk…”
Looking into James’s hazel eyes, Lily acknowledged something she had been ignoring since the beginning of her fifth year. She was attracted to James Potter. It was true, he was annoying, conceited and unnecessarily cruel but there was a part of her that tingled when he was near. It was nothing like the awakening of magic that she felt when she touched Severus. Just being in Severus’s company made her feel complete and more happy than she could ever remember being. No, her soul was not reaching out for James, but her body was. What she felt for James was chemical and primal; hunger and lust. It was what had made her leave when he’d caught her kissing Severus in that memory. Some part of her enjoyed James’s affections and didn’t want them to end. In fact, she wanted more of it.
Lily stepped aside and let James pass, unsure of exactly why.
“We started dating back in September - in the beginning of seventh year,” James told her. “It was during dinner that I said, like always, ‘Oi Evans, go out with me!’ You looked up and said, ‘Alright, James.’ I’ll never forget that.”
As James talked, Lily began to see some good in him. There was kindness in him, hidden beneath his arrogance. No doubt she had loved his dedication to his friends and his stalwart loyalty to good. Despite that, Lily still couldn’t see how she had ended up engaged to him at 18 when her heart was clearly in another place.
“It was on our last day at Hogwarts that I proposed. I spoke to Dumbledore and during the end-of-the-year feast he let me make an announcement. I stood up on the table and told you I loved you. I said I was so lucky to have you and if you would have me for the rest of my life, I’d spend every day showing you how much you mean to me. I asked you to marry me and you said yes. It was brilliant.”
Lily gaped at him. “You proposed to me in the middle of the Great Hall? With everyone watching?”
“Yeah,” said James, smiling to himself. “Your ring fell from a burst of lights above the table and landed directly on your finger.”
Lily was suddenly pulled into a memory. She saw herself sitting in the Great Hall, smiling up at James as she said ‘yes.’ She was crying as he took her hand and kissed it. She was overwhelmed by the grandeur of the moment and the fact that it was all for her. There was an eruption of lights above them and her ring fell from it, landing delicately on her finger. In the corner of her eye, Lily saw a flash of black slip through the doors and her heart clenched.
Snapping back to reality, Lily leapt from the sofa.
“Are you all right?” James asked, standing.
“I remember! Dumbledore set off fireworks.”
“Yes!” James cried hopefully, rushing to her side, but Lily backed away.
“I’m very tired suddenly. I’m sorry.”
“That’s alright. I’m just so glad that you’re remembering! Everything is going to be back normal soon. I can feel it!”
Ushering him toward the door, Lily nodded without really hearing him.
“How about I come by tomorrow?”
“Please don’t, James. I need some time.”
“Okay,” he said solemnly. “I understand.” Before she could react, James leaned forward and kissed her softly on the cheek. It was a feeling so familiar that she leaned into it for a moment before hastily pulling back.
Lily remained in the foyer after James was gone, overwhelmed and unable to accept that everything was changing again.
~*~
For several days, Lily ignored both Severus and James. She needed time to think about her priorities, her convictions and what was truly in her heart. That was somewhat difficult to do with James popping by every day and Severus’s owl, Poe, tapping at her window constantly. She refused to let the dark-feathered owl in, but he persistently followed her around the house, tapping at whichever window was nearest.
When she could get a quiet moment (usually in the downstairs loo which had no windows) she would compare the two men she loved. She thought of how safe and adored she felt with James and how dedicated he was to her. She considered how easy it was to be with Severus because he was her closest friend and there was nothing he didn’t know about her.
Lily tried to drown out Poe’s relentless knocking by playing an unfamiliar Wings record she had found, but the irritating bird could not be muffled. One evening in late August, when the incessant tapping become too much, Lily finally let him in. He snapped at her finger as he released his letter and Lily realized that she was not the only one who had grown tired of the tapping. He then sat dutifully upon her night table, watching her every move. Lily discarded the letter and went to reset the needle to the beginning of the song, but Poe hooted and clicked his beak at her. “What? Why are you still here?” she asked him.
Poe picked up the letter with his beak and brought it to her again, dropping it on top of her head.
“Oh fine. I suppose you won’t leave until I’ve read it?”
The bird merely blinked at her but she understood his meaning all the same. Severus’s letter was short and left Lily feeling rather disappointed. “Finished the antidote. Please come,” it read. There was a part of her that was scared to regain her memories but she knew that if she were to ever choose between Severus and James, she needed to know everything.
With Poe on her shoulder, Lily Apparated into Severus’s parlor. “Lily!” the alarm sang out but Severus was already sitting on the sofa, staring at her, as she arrived. His shirt sleeves were upturned, affording her the opportunity to notice the skull and snake that marred his pale skin. His eyes followed hers and Lily suddenly understood why her presence always needed to be announced.
“You finished the antidote?” Lily asked by way of greeting. Poe flew quickly from her, anticipating a row.
“I did.”
“How do you know?”
“It was my spell. I know.”
“Right.”
“I was planning to tell you everything,” Severus said rather suddenly. “I swear that to you. I just didn’t want to ruin our happiness before I had to.”
As much as Lily wanted to dismiss his words as rubbish, she understood why he would be frightened of telling her the whole truth. “But when were you going to tell me, Sev?” she asked.
“As soon as I finished the antidote.”
“So, right before I would have known anyway?”
“I’m sorry, Lily. I don’t know what else to say. I just didn’t want to lose you again.”
“Let’s just get this over with.”
Severus handed her the vial and she swallowed its contents quickly. It tasted like dust and mold; like days past and opportunities lost. Rather suddenly, she didn’t taste anything at all but was overcome by the feeling of memories engulfing her. She felt as if she were running through a stream of recollections, unable to stop and examine them but inexplicably aware of their every detail. She felt her mind filing away each moment of every day, storing them for later use.
Lily couldn’t be sure how long it lasted, but she felt exhausted when it was finally through. She discovered that she was now lying on Severus’s sofa rather than standing as she had been.
It was strange to have her old memories entwined with the new ones. She could clearly remember every detail of losing Severus and having fallen in love with James. At the same time she could not ignore how potent her feelings for Severus were. She loved James for his loyalty and his courage but she wanted Severus for his strength and his brilliance. Though her feelings were meshed together, Lily could clearly see where she belonged. Nothing but the entire truth could have made it so clear.
“Lily?” Severus asked, tentatively. “How do you feel?”
“It worked,” she replied, simply.
“Oh.” There was a part of him, she could tell, that was disappointed.
“Two years ago, I told you that it was too late to apologize. I can see now that I was right,” she told him. “You were already aiming to be a Death Eater. It breaks my heart to know that I lost you to them and even more so to realize that I could have saved you, if only I’d-” she faltered, feeling pain and regret welling up inside of her. “These past few days, I’ve been wishing that I’d never lost my memory, so that I’d never have known what I lost.”
Severus hung his head, dejectedly. Lily knew her words were tearing at his heart but she had to finish, she had to say it all.
“Those are the desperate, scared thoughts of a 16-year-old girl. Now, knowing everything, I thank God that you hit me with that spell. Without it, I never would have known that I was losing my soul mate. It’s now that’s our time, Sev, because we’ve grown up enough to appreciate each other. Severus,” Lily said, lifting his chin to look him in the eye. “My love for you is greater than any spell or lie or lamented decision that we made as children. Know that when I tell you, ‘I love you,’ I mean it. I mean that I’m willing to give up everything I know to be with you because I belong by your side.”
Severus was staring longingly at Lily, his eyes full of doubt and wonder. His eyes followed her hand as she twined their fingers together like she had on the night of their first kiss. She leaned forward, kissing him, trying desperately to make her words tangible.
“But Severus,” she whispered, pulling away slightly. “I won’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself. You have to choose.” Lily’s eyes began to overflow with tears as she backed away. “Will it be me - us,” she clarified. “Or him?” There could be no denying who she meant and Severus was speechless as he stared at her.
“It isn’t so simple… I can’t just-”
“Me or him?” she repeated, her raspy voice rising.
His own tears falling, Severus said, “It’s you, Lily.”
Lily rushed toward him. She wrapped her arms around his back, clutching him as if he were disappearing. Her heart had stood still as she waited for him to choose, genuinely terrified that he could not separate himself from the darkness that had lured him away from her. Severus held Lily’s head tightly to his chest, inhaling the scent of her as his other hand caressed her back. She could tell that he had been just as frightened as she.
“Always and only you,” he whispered into her hair. Lily felt the touch of a wand to her temple before she heard Severus clearly say, “Obliviate.”
She felt a surge of power rush through her, spreading throughout her brain quickly. Pulling away, she looked into Severus’s eyes, his anguish the last thing she saw before everything changed.
“Snape!” she screamed, leaping away from him. “What the bloody hell? Step away!” she shouted, looking around quickly for an escape.
Severus shouted, “Rictusempra!” causing Lily to succumb to a fit of giggles as her body erupted in tingles.
Lily quickly extracted her wand. “Expelliarmus!” she managed through her laughter, sending Severus’s wand flying across the room. Clutching her side, Lily Disapparated.
Once the tickling spell had worn off, Lily sat on the edge of her bed, wondering how she had ended up in Severus Snape’s sitting room. She hadn’t spoken to him in two years, nor had she even seen him since leaving Hogwarts a few weeks ago. The last thing she could remember was dueling Death Eaters in Diagon Alley when she’d heard his voice through the fray. She could only assume that Severus had knocked her out and kidnapped her. But she had to wonder why he would do such a thing. Despite the bitter end of their friendship, Lily had always believed that Severus still cared for her. She simply couldn’t believe that he would deliberately hurt her. Besides, he’d had his opportunity to hurt her and he’d cast a tickling spell, of all things…
Perhaps Severus had Apparated her out of harm’s way and she’d misinterpreted the situation completely. Regardless, Lily was happy to be home, safe in her bed. The last thing she wanted to do was revisit her relationship with Severus. At one time, there had been potential there, but he had proved whose side he was on long ago. It had taken her a long time to let go of hope, to accept that she and Severus would never be anything but enemies ever again. It had torn her apart but loving James had helped her to heal and as their love grew, she eventually stopped dreaming about her old friend.
Lily looked toward her night table, her eyes searching for James’s photograph to reassure her. She was surprised to find it turned over but quickly surmised that a breeze from the open window must have knocked it down. Surely, it was not a sign. She flicked her wand to close the window and lay down on her bed, allowing herself to imagine another lifetime where she might have had the chance to love Severus Snape.