~~The Bad News Zodiac~~
Please. Conventional astrology columns are only meant to flatter. A better look at the real traits of the various star-signs can be found below.
Aries 21 March through 20 April
Aries people are indeed strong willed, but in the most immature way imaginable. They can think only of themselves and of their immediate gratification of their petty desires. Arieans always want and never give. They throw tantrums and sulk; they cheat and steal with pathetic transparency and then deny it under oath. Spoiled in youth, they simply never grow up.
Sex and Aries/Men: Unless you're the kind of woman who enjoys playing an entirely maternal role, you should avoid this man like the plague. Women: Not the pliable innocent that she appears, but a super-selfish little schemer.
Taurus 21 April through 21 May
Taureans are the most conventional and boring people in the constellation. The staggering dullness and lack of adventure of these characters defies description. There is, however, a deep vein of frustration running through the Taurean character (remember both Pluto and Saturn run through the Taurean nascence) -- Taureans secretly envy people who live glamorous and exciting lives, like exotic, depraved Scorpios, and criminal Geminis. This frustration with their own lack of adventure and personal freedom surfaces occasionally in fits of extreme anger. Taurus is a negative fixed earth sign. Very negative.
Sex and Taurus/Men: Taurean men are outrageously dull and selfish lovers, blissfully unaware that women are actually supposed to get pleasure from sex as well. Women: Taurean women have voracious sexual appetites. This lady is always hungry.
Gemini 22 May - 21 June
Geminians are above all deeply criminal. This sign of the twins also reveals a major duplicity (or, in other words, schizophrenia). Their reputation for wit is based on an inbred ability to lie and their reputation for cleverness on the fact that they are rarely caught out. The ideal Gemini could be flogging malfunctioning atomic weaponry to the Arabs while serving as Choirmaster in Scarsdale. Don't play cards with these people -- they will cheat you to Kingdom Come. Geminians are natural salesmen. This third house of the Zodiac contains many elements, not the least of which is the ability to take advantage of other people.
Sex and Gemini/Men: Many women have reported a profound disappointment with Gemini males. The Gemini man is a great talker. Put very bluntly, the Gemini man is impotent. Women: The fake orgasm was invented by a Gemini woman.
Cancer 22 June - 23 July
People who know Cancers are impressed by their lack of social graces, their self-righteousness, awful self-pity, irresponsibility and -- perhaps above all -- Cancer's legendary moodiness. A Cancerian's moods are synchronised by the Moon. your Cancer acquaintance can burst into tears for no apparent reason, throw a terrible tantrum in a crowded restaurant and start laughing loudly on a visit to the Opera during the death scene in Madame Butterfly.
Sex and Cancer/Men: Cancer males make either energetic lovers or complete zeroes, occasionally combining both characteristics in one sitting. Women: One minute it's on, the next minute it's off. It takes someone desperate as a Sagittarian or a Libran to tolerate this kind of behaviour.
Leo 24 July through 23 August
Success in all things come easily to a Leo -- including such things as lying and arrogant self-delusion. Leos, of all people under the Sun, are the most obnoxious, bossy, unfeeling, ostentatious, pushy, flashy, and greedy. No one but an utter moron (see Pisces) has ever liked a Leo for anything other than professional reasons. Leos have a great love of showing off and luxury which, combined with their natural flair for sheer bad taste, can make living with or near them a tacky experience.
Sex and Leo/Men: It is a cosmic certainty that a Leo can only be in love with a Leo, and that Leo is himself. Women: The Leo woman may humiliate you in bed ("that reminds me of a penis, only smaller") but she will probably give you good press afterwards. Like all Leos, her principal concern is self-promotion.
Virgo 24 August through 23 September
People who come into contact with Virgoans discover the are hypocritical, hypercritical and hypochondriacal. They are famous for making other people feel small. Dedicated to being seriously obnoxious from a very early age, Virgoans are the number one contenders for the "Most Unpopular Sign in the Galaxy" award. Mars and Uranus conspire in the Virgoan birth, and the conspiracy produced some pretty unwholesome characteristics. Their hypochondriacal nature makes them obsessive about personal cleanliness; they are intensely self-pleased, and displeased with everyone else; self-obsessed, but lacking the ability to be self-critical.
Sex and Virgo/Men: A Virgoan's natural or unnatural desires are going to be tempered by the medical implications of a close physical union with another person, and often make love wearing surgical gowns and rubber gloves. Women: It's nag-nag-nag in bed and out of it. The partner of a Virgo woman will be left wondering if he can do /anything/ right.
Libra 24 September through 23 October
Libras have a tendency to exaggerate, and they certainly exaggerate their worth in people's eyes. Most people recall them as rather pathetic characters pathological incapable of making a any quick decision. Even the most mundane things present awful decision-making problems for you average Libran - like deciding which side of the bed to get out of in the morning. Librans, born on the cusp of Uranus, can be as stubborn as mules when the do finally manage to make a decision, and will not alter their course lightly. The are parasitical in nature, and have the ability to lie to, and flatter, those in more powerful positions than themselves. They make great courtiers and press secretaries.
Sex and Libra/Men: Though he pretends to be full of bluster and sexual savoir faire, when it comes down to it, he thinks the Kama Sutra is an Indian Restaurant. Women: A Scorpio observes: 'She isn't street -- or sheet -- wise.' More than a little gullible and pathetic.
Scorpio 24 October through 22 November
Scorpios are sadistic, strange, twisted, and utterly ruthless individuals. Real class manipulators with powerful, if bizarre personalities, they are deeply unpleasant to others. Many will agree that the most notable characteristics of Scorpio people are their amazing cruelty, their indifference, and their cheerful enjoyment at the willful destruction of all who stand in their way. A Scorpio always has to win. They are great schemers, and people to avoid at all costs. It has to be admitted that many Scorpios are attractive, but approach them at your own risk.
Sex and Scorpio/Men: Scorpio men love sex. In that respect, they're not too different t from the rest of us, but the Scorpio male is surprisingly keen -- almost fixated -- on the more bizarre types of sexual experimentation. Women: It takes someone as blithely ignorant as a Sagittarian to contemplate the prospect of sex with a Scorpio woman with eagerness: not unlike running fifty miles on burning coals while being flailed.
Sagittarius 23 November through 21 December
Sagittarians are clumsy, boorish, dense, tactless, and totally unacceptable in civilised society. They break things, usually by accident, but sometimes deliberately, too. Sagittarians will bump into your ornaments, stamp on your toes, stand on your cat... and they never apologise. Sagittarians like sport. They gain reassurance from team games and boisterous post-match drinking bouts. In many was they are lonely people. Most Sagittarians are still virgins at 30.
Sex and Sagittarius/Men: For all their macho sportiness and vulgar joking, most Sagittarian men are very shy of women and sex. Most survivors of sex with Sagittarian men will tell you driving is not the only thing they do at high speed. Women: A lot of Sagittarian women feel that sex is really not very nice, or certainly not as nice as a long walk with the dog.
Capricorn 22 December through 20 January
Capricorn people are perhaps the most ambitious and manipulative in the whole Zodiac. They are social climbers to whom snobbiness is a virtue. The lie about their age, their background, their feelings, their marital status, and where they were last night. They will do anything to get ahead, and this does not rule out criminal acts up to and including genocide. Capricorns will use you and betray you. Capricorns have gone down in history as easily the meanest sign in the constellations.
Sex and Capricorn/Men: Capricorn men are usually more interested in making a profit than in making love. Women: Capricorns scarcely ever feel real affection for anyone, and will probably be sleeping with you to gain money, prestige, or a promotion.
Aquarius 21 January through 19 February
Born at the deadest time of the year with some of the dullest stellar influences in the entire Zodiac, they are bound to suffer from an inferiority complex and overcompensate accordingly. It's hard to be kind to someone as insufferably boring as an Aquarius. They are some of the most faddishly stupid people it's possible to meet. A sense of humour is entirely alien to Aquarians. They drone on about their moronic preoccupations for hours with never a moment of it less than stupefying in its dullness. They are always looking for alternative lifestyles, basically because they are failures in conventional ones.
Sex and Aquarius: Men: There is no percentage in playing with this loony. The male is usually looking for a caring, sharing, dopey sort of mate. Women: The Aquarian woman believes that all natural body odours, hairs, and smells are deeply erotic, and she generally possesses more than most.
Pisces 20 February through 20 March
'Pisces' and 'Personality' are mutually exclusive terms. Pisces people have no personality whatsoever. The Piscean is fundamentally weak, shy, shallow, spineless, and utterly forgettable. There is one in every class or crowd - it is just that you often do not notice them.
Sex and Pisces/Men: Piscean men are likely never to have girlfriends. The Pisces man in bed is like a fish out of water - stone dead. Women: Not too many Pisces women ever have sex for the simple reason they are so staggeringly dull and unattractive that men are rendered incapable.
Excerpted from the Bad News Zodiac by N. Sayers & C. Viney. (New York: Ballantine, 1987.)
Aries 21 March through 20 April
Aries people are indeed strong willed, but in the most immature way imaginable. They can think only of themselves and of their immediate gratification of their petty desires. Arieans always want and never give. They throw tantrums and sulk; they cheat and steal with pathetic transparency and then deny it under oath. Spoiled in youth, they simply never grow up.
Sex and Aries/Men: Unless you're the kind of woman who enjoys playing an entirely maternal role, you should avoid this man like the plague. Women: Not the pliable innocent that she appears, but a super-selfish little schemer.
Taurus 21 April through 21 May
Taureans are the most conventional and boring people in the constellation. The staggering dullness and lack of adventure of these characters defies description. There is, however, a deep vein of frustration running through the Taurean character (remember both Pluto and Saturn run through the Taurean nascence) -- Taureans secretly envy people who live glamorous and exciting lives, like exotic, depraved Scorpios, and criminal Geminis. This frustration with their own lack of adventure and personal freedom surfaces occasionally in fits of extreme anger. Taurus is a negative fixed earth sign. Very negative.
Sex and Taurus/Men: Taurean men are outrageously dull and selfish lovers, blissfully unaware that women are actually supposed to get pleasure from sex as well. Women: Taurean women have voracious sexual appetites. This lady is always hungry.
Gemini 22 May - 21 June
Geminians are above all deeply criminal. This sign of the twins also reveals a major duplicity (or, in other words, schizophrenia). Their reputation for wit is based on an inbred ability to lie and their reputation for cleverness on the fact that they are rarely caught out. The ideal Gemini could be flogging malfunctioning atomic weaponry to the Arabs while serving as Choirmaster in Scarsdale. Don't play cards with these people -- they will cheat you to Kingdom Come. Geminians are natural salesmen. This third house of the Zodiac contains many elements, not the least of which is the ability to take advantage of other people.
Sex and Gemini/Men: Many women have reported a profound disappointment with Gemini males. The Gemini man is a great talker. Put very bluntly, the Gemini man is impotent. Women: The fake orgasm was invented by a Gemini woman.
Cancer 22 June - 23 July
People who know Cancers are impressed by their lack of social graces, their self-righteousness, awful self-pity, irresponsibility and -- perhaps above all -- Cancer's legendary moodiness. A Cancerian's moods are synchronised by the Moon. your Cancer acquaintance can burst into tears for no apparent reason, throw a terrible tantrum in a crowded restaurant and start laughing loudly on a visit to the Opera during the death scene in Madame Butterfly.
Sex and Cancer/Men: Cancer males make either energetic lovers or complete zeroes, occasionally combining both characteristics in one sitting. Women: One minute it's on, the next minute it's off. It takes someone desperate as a Sagittarian or a Libran to tolerate this kind of behaviour.
Leo 24 July through 23 August
Success in all things come easily to a Leo -- including such things as lying and arrogant self-delusion. Leos, of all people under the Sun, are the most obnoxious, bossy, unfeeling, ostentatious, pushy, flashy, and greedy. No one but an utter moron (see Pisces) has ever liked a Leo for anything other than professional reasons. Leos have a great love of showing off and luxury which, combined with their natural flair for sheer bad taste, can make living with or near them a tacky experience.
Sex and Leo/Men: It is a cosmic certainty that a Leo can only be in love with a Leo, and that Leo is himself. Women: The Leo woman may humiliate you in bed ("that reminds me of a penis, only smaller") but she will probably give you good press afterwards. Like all Leos, her principal concern is self-promotion.
Virgo 24 August through 23 September
People who come into contact with Virgoans discover the are hypocritical, hypercritical and hypochondriacal. They are famous for making other people feel small. Dedicated to being seriously obnoxious from a very early age, Virgoans are the number one contenders for the "Most Unpopular Sign in the Galaxy" award. Mars and Uranus conspire in the Virgoan birth, and the conspiracy produced some pretty unwholesome characteristics. Their hypochondriacal nature makes them obsessive about personal cleanliness; they are intensely self-pleased, and displeased with everyone else; self-obsessed, but lacking the ability to be self-critical.
Sex and Virgo/Men: A Virgoan's natural or unnatural desires are going to be tempered by the medical implications of a close physical union with another person, and often make love wearing surgical gowns and rubber gloves. Women: It's nag-nag-nag in bed and out of it. The partner of a Virgo woman will be left wondering if he can do /anything/ right.
Libra 24 September through 23 October
Libras have a tendency to exaggerate, and they certainly exaggerate their worth in people's eyes. Most people recall them as rather pathetic characters pathological incapable of making a any quick decision. Even the most mundane things present awful decision-making problems for you average Libran - like deciding which side of the bed to get out of in the morning. Librans, born on the cusp of Uranus, can be as stubborn as mules when the do finally manage to make a decision, and will not alter their course lightly. The are parasitical in nature, and have the ability to lie to, and flatter, those in more powerful positions than themselves. They make great courtiers and press secretaries.
Sex and Libra/Men: Though he pretends to be full of bluster and sexual savoir faire, when it comes down to it, he thinks the Kama Sutra is an Indian Restaurant. Women: A Scorpio observes: 'She isn't street -- or sheet -- wise.' More than a little gullible and pathetic.
Scorpio 24 October through 22 November
Scorpios are sadistic, strange, twisted, and utterly ruthless individuals. Real class manipulators with powerful, if bizarre personalities, they are deeply unpleasant to others. Many will agree that the most notable characteristics of Scorpio people are their amazing cruelty, their indifference, and their cheerful enjoyment at the willful destruction of all who stand in their way. A Scorpio always has to win. They are great schemers, and people to avoid at all costs. It has to be admitted that many Scorpios are attractive, but approach them at your own risk.
Sex and Scorpio/Men: Scorpio men love sex. In that respect, they're not too different t from the rest of us, but the Scorpio male is surprisingly keen -- almost fixated -- on the more bizarre types of sexual experimentation. Women: It takes someone as blithely ignorant as a Sagittarian to contemplate the prospect of sex with a Scorpio woman with eagerness: not unlike running fifty miles on burning coals while being flailed.
Sagittarius 23 November through 21 December
Sagittarians are clumsy, boorish, dense, tactless, and totally unacceptable in civilised society. They break things, usually by accident, but sometimes deliberately, too. Sagittarians will bump into your ornaments, stamp on your toes, stand on your cat... and they never apologise. Sagittarians like sport. They gain reassurance from team games and boisterous post-match drinking bouts. In many was they are lonely people. Most Sagittarians are still virgins at 30.
Sex and Sagittarius/Men: For all their macho sportiness and vulgar joking, most Sagittarian men are very shy of women and sex. Most survivors of sex with Sagittarian men will tell you driving is not the only thing they do at high speed. Women: A lot of Sagittarian women feel that sex is really not very nice, or certainly not as nice as a long walk with the dog.
Capricorn 22 December through 20 January
Capricorn people are perhaps the most ambitious and manipulative in the whole Zodiac. They are social climbers to whom snobbiness is a virtue. The lie about their age, their background, their feelings, their marital status, and where they were last night. They will do anything to get ahead, and this does not rule out criminal acts up to and including genocide. Capricorns will use you and betray you. Capricorns have gone down in history as easily the meanest sign in the constellations.
Sex and Capricorn/Men: Capricorn men are usually more interested in making a profit than in making love. Women: Capricorns scarcely ever feel real affection for anyone, and will probably be sleeping with you to gain money, prestige, or a promotion.
Aquarius 21 January through 19 February
Born at the deadest time of the year with some of the dullest stellar influences in the entire Zodiac, they are bound to suffer from an inferiority complex and overcompensate accordingly. It's hard to be kind to someone as insufferably boring as an Aquarius. They are some of the most faddishly stupid people it's possible to meet. A sense of humour is entirely alien to Aquarians. They drone on about their moronic preoccupations for hours with never a moment of it less than stupefying in its dullness. They are always looking for alternative lifestyles, basically because they are failures in conventional ones.
Sex and Aquarius: Men: There is no percentage in playing with this loony. The male is usually looking for a caring, sharing, dopey sort of mate. Women: The Aquarian woman believes that all natural body odours, hairs, and smells are deeply erotic, and she generally possesses more than most.
Pisces 20 February through 20 March
'Pisces' and 'Personality' are mutually exclusive terms. Pisces people have no personality whatsoever. The Piscean is fundamentally weak, shy, shallow, spineless, and utterly forgettable. There is one in every class or crowd - it is just that you often do not notice them.
Sex and Pisces/Men: Piscean men are likely never to have girlfriends. The Pisces man in bed is like a fish out of water - stone dead. Women: Not too many Pisces women ever have sex for the simple reason they are so staggeringly dull and unattractive that men are rendered incapable.
Excerpted from the Bad News Zodiac by N. Sayers & C. Viney. (New York: Ballantine, 1987.)