(no subject)
Hey everyone. This is seriously a letter that I wrote to my boss. I don't think I can post it though. But I should. God, I don't know if I can.
Yes, I'm melodramatic and pathetic but this is how I feel.
"Dear C.
Because, yes, you are still dear to me, even if you're not the best at listening when others are trying to tell you something. This isn't meant as a critique of you as a person but of your handling of the situation. You have a strange predilection for pressuring me to tell you things I never wanted to tell you. This time because I knew how you'd react.
But now that we've begun the discussion, I think I will finish it. You asked how my dad can accuse you of being a dirty old man when he doesn't know you. First of all, he's not accusing you of anything, he just has his own opinion of you, which I think he should be allowed to have. And please don't do something stupid like calling him and telling him to explain himself. It'll only hurt you, believe me.
Second, maybe he sees you as a dirty old man BECAUSE he doesn't know you - N and I know you better than that, which is why we can and will defend you. By the way, M and T haven't said anything. What I was talking about was that their parents have come to conclusions that N and I told them were wrong. Please trust that I would never want to do anything that might hurt you, your career or your marriage.
I've thought about it and no, I haven't told my parents anything about what really happened over the autumn break. Exactly because I know it would be misunderstood because I could never tell why I didn't feel harrassed and how much N and I were to blame.
What I really wanted with that conversation was to ask, if, honestly, you have a problem with me still being in the choir? Is it difficult for you? I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but the fact is that if you can't handle my continued presence in your every day life, I'll disappear, but you need to tell me and give me a proper explanation.
C, I fell in love with you. Head over heels and without thinking. Do you know how huge that is for me? I've never let anyone come close enough for me to fall in love. I've never let myself let go like that. And although I've always known nothing could come from it - exactly because you're NOT a dirty old man - I loved the feeling of being in love for the first time in my life. I didn't fight it because it was to important to me to suddenly function like a normal person - I could fall in love. Just obviously not with the right people.
The old cliche is true. Even if I'd known back then how this would work out, I wouldn't have done anything differently.
The only thing I regret is that our friendship - which we did have. Didn't we? - has been destroyed. I know it's all my fault and I'm sorry, but I miss it. All funny business, all emotions aside, I still think you're a great person that I want to know and appreciate.
I loved you both chastely and shamelessly for a long time - that is what has been amusing me every time you've told me that you obviously did know it. How long do you think it went on? Six months or so? Try two years. Yes, I'm serious. Two years. But I don't regret falling in love with you because it taught me to let go and let myself care so deeply about another human being that I'd give everything for it.
I love you, C. I'm not in love with you anymore, because being in love includes a treacherous little bit of hope and that is gone now, but I still love you. You're a good person and I really mean it when I say I'd never do anything to harm you.
Fearing sounding like a melodramatic B-film; honestly, C. If you care about me as much as I hear you've been telling others, couldn't you show me too? For god's sake, I'm not going to jump you at the slightest sign of affection.
It's one thing to reject me - that didn't really come as a surprise. It's another to display such coldness towards me as you have since I returned from my leave. What's the reason for that? I hope you know me well enough to know that I'll immediately assume that you simply can't stand me anymore? Do you really hate me now? Or are you just making the same mistake as my dad did? Doing more damage than good by trying to protect me? Or are you protecting yourself?
In case you haven't noticed, I'm confused as hell.
I don't know where I stand with you anymore. We were friends. Then we weren't. Now what are we? What are the options?
Hoping you haven't lost all respect for me, I remain your friend,
Cam."
I have to see C again on Friday and I am not sure I can face him, knowing all these things are just waiting to be said, but at the same time, I'm terrified of actually sending the letter.
Yes, I'm melodramatic and pathetic but this is how I feel.
"Dear C.
Because, yes, you are still dear to me, even if you're not the best at listening when others are trying to tell you something. This isn't meant as a critique of you as a person but of your handling of the situation. You have a strange predilection for pressuring me to tell you things I never wanted to tell you. This time because I knew how you'd react.
But now that we've begun the discussion, I think I will finish it. You asked how my dad can accuse you of being a dirty old man when he doesn't know you. First of all, he's not accusing you of anything, he just has his own opinion of you, which I think he should be allowed to have. And please don't do something stupid like calling him and telling him to explain himself. It'll only hurt you, believe me.
Second, maybe he sees you as a dirty old man BECAUSE he doesn't know you - N and I know you better than that, which is why we can and will defend you. By the way, M and T haven't said anything. What I was talking about was that their parents have come to conclusions that N and I told them were wrong. Please trust that I would never want to do anything that might hurt you, your career or your marriage.
I've thought about it and no, I haven't told my parents anything about what really happened over the autumn break. Exactly because I know it would be misunderstood because I could never tell why I didn't feel harrassed and how much N and I were to blame.
What I really wanted with that conversation was to ask, if, honestly, you have a problem with me still being in the choir? Is it difficult for you? I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but the fact is that if you can't handle my continued presence in your every day life, I'll disappear, but you need to tell me and give me a proper explanation.
C, I fell in love with you. Head over heels and without thinking. Do you know how huge that is for me? I've never let anyone come close enough for me to fall in love. I've never let myself let go like that. And although I've always known nothing could come from it - exactly because you're NOT a dirty old man - I loved the feeling of being in love for the first time in my life. I didn't fight it because it was to important to me to suddenly function like a normal person - I could fall in love. Just obviously not with the right people.
The old cliche is true. Even if I'd known back then how this would work out, I wouldn't have done anything differently.
The only thing I regret is that our friendship - which we did have. Didn't we? - has been destroyed. I know it's all my fault and I'm sorry, but I miss it. All funny business, all emotions aside, I still think you're a great person that I want to know and appreciate.
I loved you both chastely and shamelessly for a long time - that is what has been amusing me every time you've told me that you obviously did know it. How long do you think it went on? Six months or so? Try two years. Yes, I'm serious. Two years. But I don't regret falling in love with you because it taught me to let go and let myself care so deeply about another human being that I'd give everything for it.
I love you, C. I'm not in love with you anymore, because being in love includes a treacherous little bit of hope and that is gone now, but I still love you. You're a good person and I really mean it when I say I'd never do anything to harm you.
Fearing sounding like a melodramatic B-film; honestly, C. If you care about me as much as I hear you've been telling others, couldn't you show me too? For god's sake, I'm not going to jump you at the slightest sign of affection.
It's one thing to reject me - that didn't really come as a surprise. It's another to display such coldness towards me as you have since I returned from my leave. What's the reason for that? I hope you know me well enough to know that I'll immediately assume that you simply can't stand me anymore? Do you really hate me now? Or are you just making the same mistake as my dad did? Doing more damage than good by trying to protect me? Or are you protecting yourself?
In case you haven't noticed, I'm confused as hell.
I don't know where I stand with you anymore. We were friends. Then we weren't. Now what are we? What are the options?
Hoping you haven't lost all respect for me, I remain your friend,
Cam."
I have to see C again on Friday and I am not sure I can face him, knowing all these things are just waiting to be said, but at the same time, I'm terrified of actually sending the letter.