I've Lost This Battle Yet Again
Joe,
I'm still in Love with you. Oh my fuck, how I am.
It's ridiculous.
It was years ago.
You and I have not spoken IN YEARS.
I know why we didn't work.
Why we *couldn't* have worked.
It was too much, too soon.
I was too young, you were too jaded.
We tore each other apart.
It didn't even last long.
The time it was happening I count as the worst year of my life.
And you're married now!
With a child and a step-daughter.
You're happy and prosperous.
And I have someone I care for deeply and am back in college and going for a Photography degree!
I have a plan and hopes and dreams!!!
And yet...
And yet I don't think of you daily.
Not even weekly.
Hell, I've gone for a month or more without you crossing my mind.
But then you do...
And I realize that I was my most passionate when with you.
I was more alive in those few months than I ever had been before or have been since.
I Loved more deeply than I thought I ever could... and I don't know if I ever will again.
I felt like I had the chance to catch lightning in a bottle and was too scared to reach out and make the effort.
And in the end all I got was burned.
Badly.
The scars still show.
And on the occasion I do think of you, they reopen just enough to sting.
I keep telling myself, "I'm only 22."
and that back then, "I was only 19... you were 35... it couldn't work"
But I FELT Love then.
True and honest and pure and more real than anything I could have hoped for or dare dreamed could be...
...
Is this what it feels like?
Finding the Love of your life and letting them slip away?
People call it so many silly things.
"Ships passing in the night"
"The one who got away"
But those analogies are flippant and easily said in casual tones...
Is this what they belie though?
The turmoil and regret that don't fade with months or years...?
Time is supposed to heal all wounds...
Then why does this still come up fresh on nights like this?
When this 3-digit Southern Summer finally fades at dusk and the humidity lowers...
When the windows are open and the fan blows in the cool air and all I can think about is lying in bed with you.
Wrapped in the security of your arms, windows wide open, letting the breeze cool our bare sweat-soaked skin.
This smell of outside and dwindling heat... that is so common it comes with almost every night of the year... Will this always remind me of you?
Will my heart fill and break every damn year because of what I lost... of what I let go?
That hardly seems fair.
But it's probably what I deserve.
I'm sorry...
I wish I could leave your memory alone.
But tonight it seems to be sitting up with me.
An unwanted guest that has far overstayed is welcome.
I don't think I can Love again, like I Loved you... until I don't Love you at all anymore...
But I don't know if that will ever happen.
Oh how I wish it would.
Trying to let go... still,
Tiffany
I'm still in Love with you. Oh my fuck, how I am.
It's ridiculous.
It was years ago.
You and I have not spoken IN YEARS.
I know why we didn't work.
Why we *couldn't* have worked.
It was too much, too soon.
I was too young, you were too jaded.
We tore each other apart.
It didn't even last long.
The time it was happening I count as the worst year of my life.
And you're married now!
With a child and a step-daughter.
You're happy and prosperous.
And I have someone I care for deeply and am back in college and going for a Photography degree!
I have a plan and hopes and dreams!!!
And yet...
And yet I don't think of you daily.
Not even weekly.
Hell, I've gone for a month or more without you crossing my mind.
But then you do...
And I realize that I was my most passionate when with you.
I was more alive in those few months than I ever had been before or have been since.
I Loved more deeply than I thought I ever could... and I don't know if I ever will again.
I felt like I had the chance to catch lightning in a bottle and was too scared to reach out and make the effort.
And in the end all I got was burned.
Badly.
The scars still show.
And on the occasion I do think of you, they reopen just enough to sting.
I keep telling myself, "I'm only 22."
and that back then, "I was only 19... you were 35... it couldn't work"
But I FELT Love then.
True and honest and pure and more real than anything I could have hoped for or dare dreamed could be...
...
Is this what it feels like?
Finding the Love of your life and letting them slip away?
People call it so many silly things.
"Ships passing in the night"
"The one who got away"
But those analogies are flippant and easily said in casual tones...
Is this what they belie though?
The turmoil and regret that don't fade with months or years...?
Time is supposed to heal all wounds...
Then why does this still come up fresh on nights like this?
When this 3-digit Southern Summer finally fades at dusk and the humidity lowers...
When the windows are open and the fan blows in the cool air and all I can think about is lying in bed with you.
Wrapped in the security of your arms, windows wide open, letting the breeze cool our bare sweat-soaked skin.
This smell of outside and dwindling heat... that is so common it comes with almost every night of the year... Will this always remind me of you?
Will my heart fill and break every damn year because of what I lost... of what I let go?
That hardly seems fair.
But it's probably what I deserve.
I'm sorry...
I wish I could leave your memory alone.
But tonight it seems to be sitting up with me.
An unwanted guest that has far overstayed is welcome.
I don't think I can Love again, like I Loved you... until I don't Love you at all anymore...
But I don't know if that will ever happen.
Oh how I wish it would.
Trying to let go... still,
Tiffany