(no subject)
This one is private, so if I dont know you, dont bother reading it. I have no idea who Masipah is.....
My Uncle Bernie (grandpas brother) is in the hospital... and he isnt doing well. My dad said he might be "passing away". Sucks big time. I was never really close to him, although Ive known him since I was alittle girl. I dont know, Im just mentally preparing myself, just incase it does happen... So Ive heard, he has cancer, heart problems, bad stuff. Just to think back on a memory, one problem that he has makes us laugh all the time during our get togethers when we are reading something at the table. His problem is that he has bad eyesight, even with his glasses. So whenever he reads stuff, he will read it wrong, or start making stuff up and we all end up laughing about it.
Besides that, 2 of Aunt Jans dogs passed away. Gramps says it was 6, now we are down to 4 dogs. And one of them was Mack, this wicked evil vicious little thing that bit my moms finger once. I always had alittle fear from that dog whenever I was around it. He had that long snout and sharp little teeth.... so I dont really feel bad that he isnt around anymore. Infact im kind of glad! Ha and I think so is everyone else.
I talked to Joe for a few hours on the phone when I got off of work. We had one of those "intense conversations" that we tend to have alot. Its like a conversation you would have with a best friend or someone you were close with. I guess we are like that, but Ive only known him since September. Our conversation was good and bad. I finally got the answers to all of my questions and assumptions of why our relationship really ended because I know it was good, and his job doesnt even count as a reason since he hates it now. It just boils down to what was in the beginning, that he never was ready for a relationship. He doesnt know any answers at all right now in his life, he is just stuck. He doesnt know what he wants to do with his life, all he knows is that he hates this place called Boca Raton and he wants to go somewhere far away, and when he does that I know he will never come back. Everything to him here is just a bad image, Jessica is a real bitch and has really hurt him alot, and actually his stuff with Jessica right now as thier friendship is similar to my friendship with Erika. Both just have/had alot of baggage and crap and drama, and he says it brings him down, and thats what it did to me with Erika. ANd it was at one last point that drew me to my edge and I ended the friendship. I ignored her calls, or either said I was busy, and I never saw her, and I felt alot better. I was free from all bad things, no fighting, nothing, and it made me a happier person. Alot of time went by, and Erika came back. And Im not the type to hold grudges, infact I am a forgiving person, so I decided to be friendly and hang out with her again. ANd as a result, I came to the conclusions that WE both changed for the better. We just both matured. Stupid shit like someone I may have feelings for, goes and sleeps with someone else, that stuff doesnt "tear me apart" like it used to. And it means that I moved on from Chris, and I grew up. Erika changed too, and the biggest of all is that she isnt a dependent friend like before. Before we would hang out too much, mostly every day. So now its good. I told Joe this, and I thought maybe if him and Jessica just stopped talking for a long time, later on things can get better. Everyone changes as time goes on. But the only problem with his situation is that no matter what, Jessica will just show up somewhere in his life, so he cant not ever talk to her. When we were kissing on Saturday night, the somewhat alcoholic words came out of my mouth of "Ive missed you" and following that he said "I dont want to talk about this now, but I did what was best for you and me" and now I understand it. He just doesnt know what he wants in anything. And besdies, what if we were in a relationship and then he decided to just leave, I would be heart broken. So I guess it is better this way.... until he really figures his stuff out. He may never find the answers. I imitated his voice to Maria today and work and she was laughing. She was like haha I didnt know he had that weird bobble head action too. I guess I did that when I was talking like him. But anyway.... Its good that I understand it, because it sucks when you dont know the reasons why things happen and you think of possibilities. But knowing that things happen this way also make me alittle sad. Because I did really like him alot, and I still like him. I like the friendship we have and as well as during our relatoinship. We have alot of things in similar, and I also like how he opens up to me often. Not many guys will do that with me. I always have fun when I am with him, and sometimes I miss it when Im not with him. But the missing feeling, I usually never feel these days. I know he wont find any answers over night, and what will probably happen is once he saves up alot of money, he will eventually be gone. So i know we are never going to be back together, and it makes me alittle sad because I know that if we were together, and he had his stuff figured out, it would of been a good relationship. Yeah everyone has thier fights and disagreements, but still I think it would have been good overall. But Joe is just one guy, out of millions, and I know I will meet someone else someday. If he ever leaves far away, I always want to stay in touch with him. If I really like or have liked someone, I always like to stick by their side, not just throw them away. I only knew Chris for a few weeks, and we dont talk anyomre, but we still consider each other friends. Its been about 2 months since my relationship with Joe ended, and I feeling alittlte stronger than I did say soemtime in November. Its true, time does make things alittle easier.
I know Joe wants to just pick up his stuff and leave somewhere. And when he gets the money too, he will and he will get a job where ever he goes. So actually leaving is a possibility for him. But the only thing is that he doesnt have a plan for the future. He doesnt know what he wants to do in his life. He thinks college is great and is all for it, but if he doesnt know what he wants to do, then he figures why should he go waste money on classses. I tried telling him that you have to take a bunch of classes to find your interests. But that didnt seem to help. He thinks you just settle for less, not osmething you love just so you can make money. He also said that when he wants to have a family and doesnt want to be the father that is hardly home because he has to work to make money. He knows he has to get a good paying job if he even wants a family,.... so yeah he wasnt making much sense but thats ok. To me, it seems like relationships for Joe is when he wants to settle down with someone. And he clearly isnt ready. But to me, a relationship starts off as somethingn fun that makes me happy. ANd then as time goes on, then the settling down part and planning a future comes into play. All ive ever gotten was alittle bit of the a"fun part". Its like giving a kid a piece of a candy bar and then taking the rest away. Im too young to even think about marriage, but I know im ready and I want a serious relationship. ANd Im sure that will take a long ass time for me to find, because if I am looking for a long relaitonship, I wont pick just anyone. Im a picky person. Guys seem so nice in North Carolina. Like Winston who used to work at the crepe maker, and Ronald who I met at the bar. Both seemed like really nice down to earth guys, plus I like the accent. If I were to pick up my things and leave for a while, I think I would go there.
ANd its time for bed
love lexy