well, while no one is reading this, i can vent.
i know i initially started this in order to follow agents and other writers who happen to be on lj, but right now, i'm so frustrated that i need an open forum. since i once used lj to house my frustrations, i'm returning to its open embrace for at least one more vent session.
one of the worst times possible to be broke is Christmas. i know it's a commercialistic spend-fest, but there's also a feeling of competition i haven't had to deal with before. see, i am blessed/cursed with an older, more successful sibling. sadly, successful to me means working 40 hours a week and having money to do just a little bit more than pay bills and buy gas. i love my job. i love the people i work with. i love that, while i have a consistent customer base, i get to meet new people every time i come in. this allows for quite a bit of people watching, and the interaction is nice sometimes, even though it never goes beyond superficial. however, i get paid bi-weekly. i don't work 40 hours a week because it's slow. unfortunately, my bills don't care about that very much, though i'm going to negotiate for a lower rent whenever i get a new phone... and neither does Christmas. then i get to listen to my sister rattle on about how i can't live on what i make and how i should consider a new line of work that will provide the money i need. never mind that i'm happy at a job *finally* and all she does is complain about hers. i guess the level of satisfaction you have at work does not directly correlate into your salary.
and so now i'm broke at Christmas. in a family that loves to lavish gifts on its members (seriously, Christmas EXPLODES at my house), i can't participate the way i want to. not that i believe the amount of gifts i buy reflects my love for my family; they know better. but it's the PITY i hear in their voices when we talk about it. that bothers me more than anything. "oh, we don't want you to spend a lot on us" in the tone that says "we know you're poor and all that, so please, don't waste your hard-earned scraps on us. we don't need it." i guess i'm overly sensitive, but as the child who NEVER does anything the correct way and gets to hear about it nearly every time my sister is on hand, i'm entitled. i guess i'm just tired of things going completely wrong. i don't even have stuff i could sell to get more money, except plasma or some old video games i'd get about $1 for. i'm 24, and i'm still no closer to reaching my goals than i was when i was 16. i don't even mean marriage and all that. i mean a house, or at least a nicer apartment. a car that doesn't have serious psychotic issues sitting in the driveway (or parking lot). financial stability. that's what i want.
i've made a lot of financial mistakes this year. i paid the state of kentucky almost $300 for two speeding tickets. i bought when i should have saved because i'm in this fantasized competition with my sister to have nice things like she has. i can't help wondering when i got so superficial. ugh. i guess it's a sense of family pride. or the need to outshine my sister SOMEWHERE. so far, i haven't come close. i'm a little more emotionally stable, i guess, but apart from that i got nothin'. she's got the nice apartment, the two dogs, the boyfriend my parents consistently refer to as 'my son-in-law,' the monday-friday job, the social life. i have a crappy apartment i'm never in because i spend more time with my boyfriend, who has a dog and also has food. i have a job that requires me to work two (sometimes three) different shifts in a given week. i have no social life because of said work schedule. my parents never call steve 'my son-in-law' even though we've been together for over two years and have consistently said that we plan to marry. my dog lives with my parents because i can't afford her. all i have is a manuscript that i've obsessed over for entirely too long between life and classes and work, and now i'm second-guessing myself and wondering if it's even worth the pursuit to publication. i hate that most of all. but i really can't figure out what my ms. would add to the world or society. i read about these acclaimed novels or authors and buck at the thought of publishing because i may never be on one of those lists (not that it'll make or break me, but it's just the idea). i'm getting publishing cold feet. and knowing that my family only supports me because it's what i want and not because they believe i have talent makes it that much worse. i guess i'm just thirsty for approval, and i'm not finding it. i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now that i'm swimming against the current of my doubts without anyone to help me.
but if i never wrote another word, i'd be more miserable than an impotent man in the playboy mansion *give me a break, k?*. i'd just as well cut off my hands. and immediately buy voice-recognition software. darnit, people live in my head and they like to talk.
so now that i've deftly introduced myself as schizophrenic, i bid you adieu. i'm tired and *in theory* only have ten more minutes of work left. i'm desperate for a good night's sleep.
p.s. it's also come to my attention that i have no idea how to use lj anymore. apparently, they've changed the cuts. i have no idea what to do...
one of the worst times possible to be broke is Christmas. i know it's a commercialistic spend-fest, but there's also a feeling of competition i haven't had to deal with before. see, i am blessed/cursed with an older, more successful sibling. sadly, successful to me means working 40 hours a week and having money to do just a little bit more than pay bills and buy gas. i love my job. i love the people i work with. i love that, while i have a consistent customer base, i get to meet new people every time i come in. this allows for quite a bit of people watching, and the interaction is nice sometimes, even though it never goes beyond superficial. however, i get paid bi-weekly. i don't work 40 hours a week because it's slow. unfortunately, my bills don't care about that very much, though i'm going to negotiate for a lower rent whenever i get a new phone... and neither does Christmas. then i get to listen to my sister rattle on about how i can't live on what i make and how i should consider a new line of work that will provide the money i need. never mind that i'm happy at a job *finally* and all she does is complain about hers. i guess the level of satisfaction you have at work does not directly correlate into your salary.
and so now i'm broke at Christmas. in a family that loves to lavish gifts on its members (seriously, Christmas EXPLODES at my house), i can't participate the way i want to. not that i believe the amount of gifts i buy reflects my love for my family; they know better. but it's the PITY i hear in their voices when we talk about it. that bothers me more than anything. "oh, we don't want you to spend a lot on us" in the tone that says "we know you're poor and all that, so please, don't waste your hard-earned scraps on us. we don't need it." i guess i'm overly sensitive, but as the child who NEVER does anything the correct way and gets to hear about it nearly every time my sister is on hand, i'm entitled. i guess i'm just tired of things going completely wrong. i don't even have stuff i could sell to get more money, except plasma or some old video games i'd get about $1 for. i'm 24, and i'm still no closer to reaching my goals than i was when i was 16. i don't even mean marriage and all that. i mean a house, or at least a nicer apartment. a car that doesn't have serious psychotic issues sitting in the driveway (or parking lot). financial stability. that's what i want.
i've made a lot of financial mistakes this year. i paid the state of kentucky almost $300 for two speeding tickets. i bought when i should have saved because i'm in this fantasized competition with my sister to have nice things like she has. i can't help wondering when i got so superficial. ugh. i guess it's a sense of family pride. or the need to outshine my sister SOMEWHERE. so far, i haven't come close. i'm a little more emotionally stable, i guess, but apart from that i got nothin'. she's got the nice apartment, the two dogs, the boyfriend my parents consistently refer to as 'my son-in-law,' the monday-friday job, the social life. i have a crappy apartment i'm never in because i spend more time with my boyfriend, who has a dog and also has food. i have a job that requires me to work two (sometimes three) different shifts in a given week. i have no social life because of said work schedule. my parents never call steve 'my son-in-law' even though we've been together for over two years and have consistently said that we plan to marry. my dog lives with my parents because i can't afford her. all i have is a manuscript that i've obsessed over for entirely too long between life and classes and work, and now i'm second-guessing myself and wondering if it's even worth the pursuit to publication. i hate that most of all. but i really can't figure out what my ms. would add to the world or society. i read about these acclaimed novels or authors and buck at the thought of publishing because i may never be on one of those lists (not that it'll make or break me, but it's just the idea). i'm getting publishing cold feet. and knowing that my family only supports me because it's what i want and not because they believe i have talent makes it that much worse. i guess i'm just thirsty for approval, and i'm not finding it. i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now that i'm swimming against the current of my doubts without anyone to help me.
but if i never wrote another word, i'd be more miserable than an impotent man in the playboy mansion *give me a break, k?*. i'd just as well cut off my hands. and immediately buy voice-recognition software. darnit, people live in my head and they like to talk.
so now that i've deftly introduced myself as schizophrenic, i bid you adieu. i'm tired and *in theory* only have ten more minutes of work left. i'm desperate for a good night's sleep.
p.s. it's also come to my attention that i have no idea how to use lj anymore. apparently, they've changed the cuts. i have no idea what to do...