Duality - Chapter One

[lexcade]

Claws popped from my fingertips every time I stretched my hands.

It tingled, but didn’t hurt, not like the rest of my body. The sensation was both natural and foreign, muscles and tendons I didn’t know I had contracting and relaxing with the movement. I’d freaked out when I saw the black fur leading to the claws. That was the first time they upped

Comments

[jannedoe]

Yay! I really like this opening! It paints a clear picture for the reader. It conveys the confusion, but the reader isn't lost or disoriented. There's still a firm grasp on reality while still wondering who (or what!) Janelle is. Love it! I can picture the room she's in, how isolated and confused she feels, even what the room smells like. I feel so bad for the nurse who obviously knows Janelle and had her heart broken so badly when Janelle finally spoke. At this point, whomever she is (speaking as an uninformed reader, lol), I like her and really feel bad for her

[lexcade]

YAY!!!! I'm sooooooo glad you liked it! I'm *thinking* that one little tweak--like the sheet fell off her hand when she stretched it and exposed her hand--will fix that, and I totally forgot about the tear on fur thing. "A tear fell from her face to mine, but I didn't feel it." will probably suffice to fix that. As far as the OBRA stuff, I'll have to consider it. Sylvia's not the only one checking in on her, but the other people don't really matter as much. Sylvia's the only one who really gets into Dima's mind enough to warrant mentioning. I may throw in a line or two about the monitoring.

Thanks for taking the time to read! I totally appreciate it :)