Comments | lghawaiian: Brigits_Flame Post #2 -- Subject: Heavy

lghawaiian

Brigits_Flame Post #2 -- Subject: Heavy

Jul 04, 2008 01:33

Heavy box, heavy heart ( Read more... )

Comments 8

tigerstriped86 July 4 2008, 15:05:29 UTC

Well done on the prompt. You really got the feeling of heavy. The personality of the person was very well built in such a short amount of words.

One question: What happened to the woman?

A tiny thing though: The piece seemed weighed down a bit (I swear I wasn't going for irony with that statement). I'm not sure how, but it just seemed a little too heavy for me.

lghawaiian July 4 2008, 16:43:34 UTC

Heh, lacombe said heavy, not how heavy. I was going for something that weighed down on the shoulders of the reader, made them share his burden. It may be a little too laden, but I think I got my point across. :)

As per the woman, stay tuned, this will be a continuing story line.

Editor Notes csigeekfan July 6 2008, 02:37:01 UTC

2nd paragraph - 'The box was crammed into the back seat atop others, there was room left only in the front seat now.' The comma should either be changed to a semi-colon or made into two separate sentences ( ... )

Re: Editor Notes lghawaiian July 6 2008, 23:37:34 UTC

Thank you so much for your insightful editing. I'll admit I was uncertain how skilled the editors would be, but I am very happy with your ability to pick out my inconsistencies.

Thanks again!

heir2slothdom July 6 2008, 21:58:35 UTC

I liked the detail about the word "pony tail." It made the character seem more real, somehow.

lghawaiian July 6 2008, 23:38:54 UTC

Thanks! That part came to me in with a chuckle as I was deciding on how to describe the man's hair. I'm glad you liked it. :)

Second editor for this entry! attentionhoard July 7 2008, 01:37:51 UTC

Hi there! I'm your second editor this month, and I'm going to go a bit more casual (seeing as you already had some great feedback.)

I really, really, really enjoy this piece. You do a very good job of taking a very cliche' image (the heavy, humid sky) and describe it in a way that feels nuanced to the reader (The air was heavy with the humidity of what seemed to be a thousand storms in the hot New England summer. Every day it had rained, and every day seemed a little more oppressive.. Great job.

Other than that, I'd suggest playing with subtleties and characterizations. It could be fun to make your character a bit more distinct.

Great job this week! Thanks for sharing this. It's a great read!

art reflecting... slydemonatrix August 13 2008, 04:09:51 UTC

life seems much more refreshing coming via your voice. It makes me wish the man would smile with something more than irony or bittersweet memory. sigh.