The Tsukino Psychological Services Institution - Chapter 1

[lian_hua]

Today we have a very special treat for you guys!

I, Lian Hua of the House Spork, have managed to unearth a piece of original fiction written by Sephirothslave in 2003 under the pseudonym ChaosGoddess (the original story can be found here).

Titled The Tsukino Psychological Services Institution, this would-be horror story centers around a vengeful

Comments

[the_whittler]

I find mental psychoses an extremely, if not the most, interesting topic one can find in fiction. It comes in so many forms, it's subjective, it's preternatural, and there's just so many things you can do with it in your story. As you guys pointed out, overwhelming murderous tendencies aren't the only symptom of insanity, SephirothSlave (or should I refer to her as ChaosGoddess now?) Why are all the patients psycho murderers? Will it kill you to add some variety?

This is just...blurgh. You were right about how absolutely boring it is -- mostly because it violates the show not tell rule, which is essential for horror stories to have any effect. She really just expects us to believe that "Ooooh, Megami's scary! The asylum is scary! Be scared! Oooooh..."

Iscariot: You know, I have to ask just what kind of world is this? This asylum is terribly cliché for a horror story, like something out of a haunted house exhibit for Halloween. They're not even referred to as asylums anymore, they're usually called mental hospitals. And most are not

[lian_hua]

Everyone seems so have the same coping mechanisms (being exceedingly aggressive) and it never really delves into the cause of their insanity.

We've read and drafted a spork for the next chapter, but nothing is really explained. It is vaguely implied that something pushed Megami over the edge and caused her to snap and burn the city of Gentra - Sephiroth style, of course. Why she did that is never even hinted at. We receive no explanation about any of the other patients either, so they remain these static, one dimensional characters.

It's not as bad as her later works, though.

[the_whittler]

That's a shame :(

Insane people can be the greatest characters ever in fiction -- just the fact that they think differently kind of automatically makes them interesting. Only SephirothSlave has the anti-talent to find some way to make them sleep-inducingly boring.

[lian_hua]

To sum it up, thirteen-year-old SephirothSlave undoubtedly cannot write anything concerning with psychology.

I made a mistake, she was actually 15 in 2003. *facepalm*

[beacon80]

As you point out, this is a horrible case of telling, rather than showing. A good decent mediocre horror author should be able to creep you out without ever having to tell you "this is really scary"! Not helped by the fact that the guards, who should either be used to this or have found a different job, are so easily intimidated. It would be one thing if this was a new guy, but the implication is that he's not.

Blood seemed to manifest straight from the walls. In truth, no matter how many times the walls were repainted, the blood seeped through.
First of all, this fails. This isn't a haunted house scaring the family that just moved in. This is a business that's had more than enough time to investigate these things. If there's blood seeping through the walls, they'd tear them down and find out where the blood's coming from.
Even ignoring that, given that Dr. Weeabo seems to honestly want to help his patients, why is he keeping violently dangerous psychotics in a place where the walls bleed?

Within one cell, a woman sat, wearing a

[beacon80]

She has not been this energetic since she was brought here.
Can we please have some consistency? She is described as violently attacking guards on a nightly basis. She needs a straitjacket made especially for her, but laughing is unusually energetic for her?

One day however, the pebble miraculously strikes a fish.
As bizarre as this analogy is to begin with, it's also flawed. a pebble is going to lose pretty much all energy hitting the water. It wouldn't so much "strike" the fish as fall on it. The effects of hitting the fish would be even more negligible than the ripples.

She can communicate. Whether or not she can use verbal communication is yet to be construed.
How is she communicating, then? Is she writing things down with her toes? Is she banging her head against the wall in Morse code? You'd think the form of her communication would be worth mentioning.

Over forty percent of those who offered were never found.So, out of ever five men, two die. Someone disappears, on average, every two and a half days

[lian_hua]

You made such excellent points! The one about her supposedly not being so energetic since her arrival will be added to the spork, with due credit of course. I feel like slapping myself for not noticing that earlier.

[beacon80]

An additional thought... If people are disappearing on a regular basis, shouldn't the place be under investigation by now?

Not helped by the fact that Doctor Weaboo apparently has a reputation for killing people (despite the fact that everything we see about him suggests that he's actually a fairly compassionate man).

[anonymous]

read it listening trail of blood. i regret nothing.

[lian_hua]

Ahahhaa oh god, that's great.

Still doesn't make this story scary though.

~Iscariot

[beacon80]

Weird Al's "Nature Trail to Hell" would fit better.

Where's Nellie Bly when you need her?

[anonymous]

As someone who was recently in a mental hospital, I can say that they're actually quite nice. At least the facility I was in. Granted, I was in the low security area (for drug rehab and self harm), but as far as I know, even the more dangerous patients got the same food as us (not gourmet, but no worse than high school cafeteria food), and were allowed smoking and fresh air breaks. Like you've said, despite the modern technology present, the conditions of the hospital in this story are reminiscent of something that hasn't existed in a hundred years or more. If this were an actual place, human rights activists wouldn't rest until it was condemned, both for the sake of the patients and the personnel.

Then again, if this place actually existed where I live, Megami and most of the other patients we see here would get the death penalty so fast, their heads would spin.

[seiyonashi]

Wow. It's pretty telling that her original work is no better than her fic. And this really fails as horror - even a giant coward like me who gets freaked out by the slightest hint of something scary isn't scared.

Also, I lol'd hard at "Is that curious reaction DEATH?" and cartoon-eyed Julia. I may have weirded out my flatmate a little. I regret nothing :D