Fic: That I'd Find My Place 11/?
Author:Ames
Rating:PG-13
Disclaimer: Alias is not mine. It belongs to JJ Abrams, Touchstone, Bad Robot, and ABC.
As he should have expected, Vaughn didn’t end up arriving home on Sunday night like he was supposed to. The mission took longer than they expected, and by the time they left, they were already running behind on schedule. On top of that, they had plane troubles and ended up stuck at the Paris airport far longer than anyone expected. He called Sydney to let her know not to wait up, but by the time they finally left France, he wished he had told her to forget about him coming home until sometime on Monday. When they landed in Atlanta, he wanted to call her and just hear her voice. He started to dial her number and then realised it was past one in the morning in Los Angeles. She was probably sound asleep by now and he couldn’t bear to wake her up, so he forced himself to hang up and wait to see her at home.
Of course, by the time he finally made it back to his apartment, it was seven in the morning. He quietly snuck inside the house and kicked off his shoes, not even planning on changing before he curled up with her in bed. He was just a few steps inside when he noticed the television was still on, and he couldn’t help smiling sadly when he turned and found her asleep on the couch, still fully dressed. She did wait for him, and even though he hated that he had to disappoint her, it was nice having someone to come home to. Especially when that someone was Sydney Bristow. They spent more time apart than together since they admitted their feelings to one another, but he planned on changing that as soon as possible.
“Hey,” he murmured quietly, kneeling down beside the couch and giving her a gentle shake. She groaned sleepily and buried her face further in the pillow, and he was tempted to just let her continue sleeping on the couch. She would regret it, though, and he didn’t want her to get too uncomfortable, so he shook her once more and brushed a light kiss on her cheek. “Syd, wake up,” he urged quietly.
This time, she blinked and looked up at him sleepily. “Vaughn?” she asked in confusion. “You’re home? What time is it?”
“Almost seven. I’m sorry I didn’t call you from Atlanta. I thought you would be asleep and I didn’t want to wake you up. I didn’t know you were going to wait up for me.”
“How long have you been here?” she asked, sitting up and wiping at her bleary eyes.
“I just walked in,” he answered, taking a seat beside her and brushing her hair off her face. “I thought you would be in the bedroom. You really shouldn’t have stayed up,” he chastised lightly.
“I wanted to see you before I went to sleep. I guess I fell asleep waiting, though.”
“I’m sorry,” he apologised again. “But I’m home now, and I have the day off.”
“Really?” she asked, immediately brightening a little. “How did you manage that?”
“Your dad actually had a little pity on me. It was a really long weekend, so he decided we could all have the day off today,” he explained.
“Oh yeah, the mission. Did it go okay?”
“Yeah, it was fine,” he nodded. “Just long. And now I’m exhausted. I can never sleep on planes. Want to move to the bed with me?” he asked hopefully. “Right now all I want is to curl up next to you and sleep for about twelve hours.”
“That sounds heavenly,” she agreed.
He stood and offered his hand to help her off the couch, taking advantage of the moment to pull her in close for a sweet kiss. It was all he had been able to think about for the last three days, and she was as wonderful as he remembered. “I missed you,” he murmured when they parted.
“Mmm, me too,” she sighed, leaning into him and resting her head on his shoulder. “No more leaving.”
“Okay, I’ll try,” he laughed. “Let’s go to sleep.”
She happily followed him back to the bedroom, and as soon as he had changed his clothes, he finally got to lay down next to her and pull her into his arms. She eagerly complied, and within minutes, they were both sound asleep again.
They didn’t wake again until shortly after noon, and then Sydney offered to throw together some lunch while he took a shower and washed off the remains of his long weekend in India. It was rare to be home at noon on a workday, and he was thrilled to have the rest of the day to just relax with his girlfriend for the first time since they officially started their relationship. It wasn’t much different from how they usually spent a lazy weekend afternoon, but this time, he held her close while they laid on the couch watching movies, and every now and then, she would roll over and kiss him lightly on the lips.
Late that afternoon, Sydney finally rolled off the couch and decided to wander back to the bedroom for a shower, leaving Vaughn alone in the living room. He immediately reached for the remote, planning on switching the channel to ESPN and hopefully catch some hockey clips. As he sat up, however, he noticed something out the corner of his eye. A yellow legal pad sitting on the edge of the coffee table, covered in Sydney’s handwriting. Her statement, he realised. He heard her start the water for her shower, and even though he felt a little guilty, he couldn’t help glancing at it. It’s your job to know, he reminded himself. You’re going to have to read it eventually.
By the time he finished the first page, however, he knew he shouldn’t read anymore. Yes, it was his responsibility to know all of this, but technically, he needed to ask her permission before he read the incredibly personal memories. She was already worried what he would think, and he needed to make sure she was okay with him reading everything before he went any farther into the statement. He set it aside and tried to forget about it, but he was already imagining what kind of horrible things her mother forced her to do.
Fifteen minutes later, he heard her emerge from the shower and turned off the television to go join her in the bedroom. He stepped in the doorway just in time to see her step out of the bathroom wearing only a towel, her hair still dripping a little. She didn’t see him there at first, so he took advantage of his perfect viewpoint to watch her comb out the tangles in her hair and rummage through the drawers for clothes to throw on. Finding sweatpants and a t-shirt, she turned around and saw him and nearly jumped. “Oh my God, you scared me,” she laughed softly.
“Sorry,” he apologised. “I can’t help it. You’re beautiful.”
“Have you been watching me?” she asked incredulously.
“Just for a second,” he admitted. “Can you blame me?”
“Vaughn,” she laughed self-consciously, clutching her towel a little closer.
“You know,” he began teasingly, taking a few steps into the room, “it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
Her cheeks flushed, causing him to smile even wider. “I know,” she managed. “But it’s new, and....” she trailed off, suddenly seeming a bit flustered. Honestly, he was a little surprised by her reaction to him seeing her in just a towel. True, they only slept together once, but she wasn’t at all shy about it, and she had no problems with him seeing her undressed that night.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asked quietly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” he apologised.
“No, it’s fine,” she shook her head. “I don’t mind you seeing me obviously. I just....”
“What?” he prodded gently.
“I guess writing that statement disturbed me a little more than I thought it would,” she admitted. “Just a lot of memories. It’s not that I mind you seeing me....I guess it just brought up some painful things I would really rather forget,” she managed.
“You want to talk about it?” he offered.
“I don’t know if I can,” she answered truthfully, glancing down at the floor. “It was bad enough just writing it. I know you probably need to know, but I don’t think I can talk about it.”
“That’s okay,” he assured her. “You don’t have to. Do you want me to read it, though?” he asked, deciding for now to leave out the fact that he already started reading it just a few minutes ago.
She considered for a moment before finally nodding. “Yeah, um, I guess so,” she agreed.
“I don’t have to, Syd. I can wait if you don’t want me to read it now. Eventually I’m going to need to know,” he admitted. “But I’ll do it on your timeframe, okay?”
“I think you better just go ahead and do it now,” she suggested. “You need to know before....you just need to know.”
“Okay,” he nodded. “I’ll go out to the living room so you have the bedroom to yourself,” he offered, rising and giving her a quick kiss before returning to the living room and sitting down on the couch with the legal pad.
Within minutes, his stomach was churning. He knew her past was terrifying and traumatic - she had the nightmares to prove that much - but reading the words, actually processing the truth, was more difficult than he could ever imagine. They had only been together for a few days, known each other for a few months, but he already knew he cared about her more than he ever cared about anyone. Maybe it was too soon to know if he was in love with her or not, but he had a feeling he was going to fall hard and fast for her. This would be hard enough to read if she was just any other defector. No one, especially a child, should have to endure this kind of treatment for her own mother. But Sydney was not any other defector. She was the woman who saved his life and the woman he shared his bed with. She was the woman he wanted to wake up next to every morning and the woman who cuddled with him on the couch. He didn’t want to even think about her being in pain, and the last seventeen years of her life had been absolute torture. Cautiously, he flipped through the rest of the pages and felt him stomach completely turn over; her statement filled almost the entire pad.
The odd churning in his gut grew worse somewhere around the tenth page. And now he understood why she didn’t want to make a big deal out of her birthday or want him to see her in just her towel. He had to stop reading for a moment, seriously thinking he might have to go to the bathroom to throw up. He closed his eyes to help fight the nausea, but when he did, he pictured a fifteen-year old Sydney being raped by one of her mother’s employees. His eyes immediately flashed open again, and he forced himself to keep reading.
By the time he reached the end, he really did have to get sick. He made it to the guest room just in time to lose the contents of his stomach. He threw up only once, but he remained crouched in front of the toilet just in case. It was one thing to know she had been ordered to kill before, quite another to actually read about the assignments, about the people she had murdered. While he understood she had no choice and justified it to her more than once, it was hard to imagine his sweet, beautiful girlfriend actually holding a gun to a man’s head and pulling the trigger. She had probably killed other CIA agents just like him, just like Dylan, just like his father. She didn’t want to and she hated it, but still, she did it.
But that wasn’t the worst part. If it was just the targets she had killed, he probably wouldn’t be fighting back the nausea right now. He knew that part of her life. He knew in her mother’s eyes she was little more than a glorified assassin. It wasn’t the men she had been forced to kill that really affected him this much. It was the men she seduced....some to their deaths, others just into her bed for secrets and exchanges and whatever else her mother demanded of her. Though he always suspected they may have been a part of her job description considering who her mother was, he never fully accepted that she actually lured men into her bed and allowed them to do as they pleased. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t ask for this, and she certainly never wanted to do it, but he couldn’t erase those pictures from his mind.
“Vaughn?” a tiny voice asked from behind him.
He held up a hand, indicating she should stop and not come any closer. “I’m okay,” he rasped. “Just....give me a minute.” He waited for the sound of her footsteps leaving the bathroom, but she didn’t budge.
“I understand,” she said quietly. “I understand if you can’t look at me after this.”
“Sydney, no,” he shook his head. His stomach was still churning a little, but one glance at her face and his priorities instantly shifted from his nausea to her tears. She looked scared and lost like that six-year old little girl who woke up in a strange land with a mother she no longer knew and a life she didn’t recognise. “C’mere,” he murmured, moving away from the toilet so she could come sit down beside him.
“I know you’re disgusted by me,” she whispered. “It’s okay. I understand.”
“I’ve never been disgusted by you, Sydney. That’s not ever going to happen.”
“But what I did,” she protested. “I’ve killed people, I’ve seduced them. I’ve done horrible things most people would never even consider.”
“Because most people haven’t lived the life you have,” he countered. “Yeah, there are a lot of things in that statement that are hard to handle. Obviously it’s wasn’t easy for me to wrap my mind around it,” he admitted. “But there are also a lot of things in there that show exactly why you had to do it. Syd, the things you saw.....someone being killed right in front of you...”
“How can you justify it like that?” she asked incredulously. “How can you just excuse what I’ve done without even thinking about it? Just think about it, Vaughn. Think about the things I did. I seduced a man when I was fifteen years old!”
“No, you didn’t,” he shook his head vehemently, shocked that she could even see it that way. “You were raped, Sydney,” he corrected her. “You wanted no part in that. You had no choice.”
“I did,” she insisted. “There had to have been something I could have done. I could have stopped him somehow. I knew how to protect myself. I could have made him stop. I could have have made him leave me alone somehow.”
“You were fiften,” he argued. “You were only fifteen. You were still a kid who should have been protected from that.”
She moved closer into his arms and rested her head on his shoulder, and he felt her body begin to tremble. “I could have done something,” she whispered. “I could have made him stop.”
He wrapped his arms around her as though he could actually shield her from the horrible memories when he himself was still shaken by the images currently lodged in his brain. He didn’t even want to think about another man touching her in the first place, and he really didn’t want to know everything about her sexual past. How twisted could it possibly be that her sexual history was actually part of the information he needed to disclose to the CIA? If she felt the need to tell him about it at some point in their relationship, it should stay just between the two of them. Instead, he had to read it in a statement just days into the beginning of their relationship so he could eventually turn it over to the CIA where half a dozen other agents would eventually read and study it. He didn’t want to have these kind of pictures of her in his head, imagining her at the mercy of other men, being forced to have sex for her mother’s gain, and he really didn’t want anyone else picturing the same things.
“I didn’t want it,” she continued through her tears.
“Of course you didn’t,” he murmured, smoothing down her hair and pressing a light kiss to her temple.
“I’m so sorry, Vaughn.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” he insisted. “It’s hard for me to think about it. It’s hard for me to read about the things she forced you to do, but I’m not mad at you or disgusted with you or anything else running through your mind right now. I’m just....I’m just trying to figure out how to handle all this.”
“Why do you even want to?” she asked incredulously. “You could have anyone, Vaughn. Someone nice and normal who hasn’t used her body like that. Someone better than me.”
“What you’ve done....that has nothing to do with who you are, Syd. You are a beautiful, amazing person. I’ve always known there were a lot of things in your past, but still, this weekend....you were the only thing on my mind,” he confessed. “I could barely think about the mission because I was thinking about you.”
“I’m not worth that,” she shook her head, the tears running furiously down her cheeks.
“You are,” he insisted. “You’re so worth it, Syd. I promise you.”
“How could you not be disgusted with me? It made you throw up. It’s okay, you can admit it. I understand that it’s unforgiveable.”
“I didn’t get sick because I’m disgusted by you. That’s not it at all. It’s just imagining the kind of pain you went through,” he tried to explain, not even realising it was true until he said it. There really was not a single part of him that blamed her for this. It revolted him to think of men touching her and using her like she was just an expendable piece of property, but in the context of the fear and terror she was forced to live in for the last seventeen years, there was simply no way to hold her responsible. It didn’t make everything magically better, and it wasn’t going to stop him from being haunted by her words for weeks and months to come, but he wasn’t about to hold this against her and actually let it come between them. “I know you’re hurting right now,” he whispered, running his fingers soothingly through her hair. “And I’m hurting for you, Syd. I’m sorry she put you through that. I’m sorry you didn’t have a mother who could see how beautiful and wonderful you are. You deserved that, and I’m so sorry you didn’t get it. But things are different now. You’re here with me and with your dad, and you can finally start to forget about all of that. I know it was hard for you to write all that, but I’m so proud of you,” he praised her. “I’m so proud you were strong and courageous enough to actually write all that and to let me see it.”
“I was so scared,” she admitted in a whisper. “I was terrified you would read it and decide you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
“That wouldn’t happen, Syd,” he assured her confidently. “You have to understand that you were just a pawn in her game. It’s awful. It really is. But it’s not your fault.”
She nodded, but he could tell she didn’t fully believe it. It was just going to take time, and probably a lot more tears, before she would be able to accept that she was helpless to stop her mother’s master plans for her. “Are you sure we’re okay?” she asked after a few minutes of just sitting in his arms.
“Yeah, we’re okay,” he nodded confidently. “But I do need you to know, Syd, just in the interests of being completely honest with you, this is a lot to digest.”
“I know,” she nodded guiltily.
“But I’m really not upset with you,” he assured her once more. “I just need some time to process.”
“I get it,” she nodded. “Do you want me to move back to the guest room?”
“No, of course not,” he shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. I just....God, this is so hard,” he sighed. He gave himself a moment to think, trying to think of the right words to say to her that wouldn’t sound like he was upset with her but would still help her to understand what he was feeling right now. “I don’t want to step backwards or slow things down. I just need you to know that if I seem weird or distant....it’s not your fault. I’m just dealing with this the best way I can. Okay?”
“Okay,” she nodded. “So do you still want to have dinner with my dad tonight? If you don’t, we don’t have to.”
He cringed a little, hoping she didn’t notice. He completely forgot about the birthday dinner with her dad, but there wasn’t a chance he was going to disappoint her again. “We’re going. This is your birthday dinner, and I know your dad is looking forward to seeing you.”
“Are you sure?” she asked uncertainly.
“I’m positive,” he nodded. “But I think I’m just gonna go for a run first. Clear my mind a little.”
“Okay,” she agreed again, moving out of his arms and pulling herself up, offering a hand to help him up as well. He accepted it and returned to his own bathroom to brush his teeth before changing into running clothes. When he stepped out of the bathroom she was nowhere to be seen, so he quickly threw on a pair of shorts and his running shoes and then slipped out the front door.
As he ran, he felt the tension melting off his body. Running had always been his escape, and the feeling of his heart racing in his chest and his feet pounding against the concrete forced from his mind the horrible images that had been floating there since he read her statement. For a few miles, he only had to focus on the rhythm of his breathing and let the rest of the world disappear. And he needed it after the dramatic shift his life had taken. From the day he took the assignment to break into Irina Derevko’s safe, his life had been forever altered. Little did he know Sydney would be the one to save him and that she would ultimately flip his world upside down. Over the last few months, she had crept her way into his life and into his heart, and it wasn’t exactly a change he was expecting. He broke up with Alice months ago not only because they had little in common, but also because he just wasn’t ready to share himself with anyone. He was still too focused on his career to spend all of his time with a girlfriend, and most women couldn’t accept coming in second.
With Sydney, it was completely different. Not only did he offer her a place in his apartment - something he had never, ever done with a girlfriend before - but he did so without even thinking. He let her stay here one night, and then he didn’t want her to go. He was already going out in the field less and less, too worried about how to get Sydney away from her mother to be concerned with the number of missions he was sent on. As soon as she moved in, he accepted a complete change in assignment, temporarily putting aside his dreams of jet-setting across the globe in favour of staying here in Los Angeles with her. He hadn’t been to visit his mother in over a month, and he hadn’t been out with Weiss and the guys for weeks. All of his time was devoted to Sydney, and he hadn’t even really considered it until now. It wasn’t that he minded, and it wasn’t that he resented it, but this was almost as new to him as it was to her. She wasn’t the only one who needed time to adjust. He wanted to be everything she needed, and he wanted to give her the kind of life she always should have had, but he also needed to take a few minutes for himself every now and then, or he was going to lose his mind.
These new revelations into her past weren’t going to make things any easier. As much as he didn’t want to complicate life for her or make her feel any more guilty, he was still just a man. This was his girlfriend, and he would be inhuman if he wasn’t jealous, and yes, maybe just a little horrified that she had actually seduced the men her mother chose. Maybe a part of him was disgusted, though he could never admit that to her. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand she had no choice, but she was so far above that kind of lifestyle. He never dreamed of dating someone with a past as checkered as Sydney’s, and justifying it wasn’t going to help him deal with the shock of it all. He had a feeling he was going to be running a lot over the next few weeks as he attempted to actually digest the unsavoury information he just learned about her.
He could have kept running for hours, but a quick check of his watch revealed he had less than two hours before they were supposed to be meeting her dad for dinner. He and Jack had talked about it briefly in India and decided on a nice Italian restaurant not too far from the apartment. He hadn’t taken her there yet, but she loved Italian food, and it was upscale without being stuffy or uncomfortable. Now he just wished he had a little more time to compose himself and get ready to face her dad knowing they would have to reveal the true nature of their relationship for right now.
Less than twenty minutes later, he was home and in desperate need of another shower. His run had done the trick, and he was finally able to push most of the thoughts of her statement to the back of his mind to be dealt with another day. The rest of the night was just for her, and he was determined to make this special for her. She deserved one night of carefree fun with him and her father, and he was going to make that happen. “Hey,” she greeted quietly as he stepped into the bedroom where she was sitting on the bed reading one of the books he bought for her. “How was your run?”
“Great,” he smiled easily.
“Do you feel better?” she asked hopefully. “Because really, I understand if you don’t want to go out to dinner tonight. We could always do it another night,” she offered.
“I feel much better,” he assured her. “I just needed to run and work some things out. Now let’s just put it behind us for now and go celebrate your birthday. We should have gotten to do this on Friday.”
Relief flooded her features, and her lips twisted upward in a smile. “Where are we going?” she asked curiously.
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Vaughn!” she protested.
“What?” he asked innocently. “It’s your birthday. It’s a surprise.”
“No, my birthday was Friday,” she corrected. “It’s not actually my birthday anymore, so you don’t have to surprise me.”
“Maybe,” he conceded. “But we’re still going to.”
“That’s not fair,” she pouted. “How am I supposed to get ready if I don’t even know where we’re going?”
“Oh, I think you’ll figure it out.”
“Vaughn.”
“You know, I think that black dress you bought would be perfect,” he suggested.
“The dress? Vaughn, you don’t have to take me anywhere fancy. Anything would be fine with me.”
“I know, but you’re getting a special night, so quit trying to get out of it. And your dad picked out the restaurant anyway. You don’t need to be too dressed up, but wear something nice.”
She frowned in obvious displeasure at his unwillingness to disclose the restaurant, and he couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on her face.
“It’s just dinner, Syd. I think it’ll be okay,” he chuckled. “I’m gross, so I’m going to get in the shower. We should leave in about an hour.”
“Fine,” she sighed dramatically.
She looked so cute, he couldn’t help stealing a quick kiss before he hopped in the shower. She gladly returned the kiss, dropping the feinged unhappiness and responding eagerly to his touch. “Don’t start something you can’t finish,” he advised her. “We really have to leave in an hour, and I’m going to need at least that long to compose myself again.”
“Why’s that?” she asked playfully.
“Because I have to face your dad,” he reminded her. “And no offense, but he scares the hell out of me.”
“My dad?” she asked in surprise.
“Yeah, Syd,” he laughed. “Your dad is one of the most terrifying men I’ve ever met. I don’t know anyone who’s not afraid of him.”
“No,” she shook her head. “I don’t believe you.”
“You’re crazy.”
“He’s not scary at all!” she protested. “I mean, maybe when he’s mad, but I can’t see him getting mad all that often.”
“Yeah, that’s because you’re his daughter,” he answered wryly. “If you were anyone else, you would be just as scared of him as I am. He’s a very intimidating man. And let’s not forget that he pretty much holds my future in the palm of his hands. One wrong move and he could have me fired. And don’t think he wouldn’t do it.”
“I still don’t believe you.”
“Ask anyone,” he said seriously. “Jack Bristow is a seriously scary man. Especially when you’re dating his daughter. It’s a good thing he doesn’t know that yet, although I think he’s already getting a little suspicious about the level of my concern for you.”
Another smile spread over her face, and she leaned back a little to look him in the eye. “You were worried about me?” she asked, unable to hide the slight bit of satisfaction that gave her.
“I meant what I said earlier, Syd,” he answered seriously. “You were really all I thought about all weekend.”
The smile remained on her beautiful face, but he could see the insecurity creeping into her brown eyes. “Are you sure you’re still going to feel the same way after what you read today?” she asked quietly, her voice hesitant and uncertain.
“I’m sure, Sydney,” he confirmed, leaning forward and kissing her sweetly on the lips. “This is new to both of us,” he reminded her. “We’re not going to do it perfectly, especially considering the crazy circumstances around all of this. But I’d be crazy to let you go just because it’s going to be hard. Everything worth anything takes work. We’ll figure it all out,” he said confidently. “I promise.”
Rating:PG-13
Disclaimer: Alias is not mine. It belongs to JJ Abrams, Touchstone, Bad Robot, and ABC.
As he should have expected, Vaughn didn’t end up arriving home on Sunday night like he was supposed to. The mission took longer than they expected, and by the time they left, they were already running behind on schedule. On top of that, they had plane troubles and ended up stuck at the Paris airport far longer than anyone expected. He called Sydney to let her know not to wait up, but by the time they finally left France, he wished he had told her to forget about him coming home until sometime on Monday. When they landed in Atlanta, he wanted to call her and just hear her voice. He started to dial her number and then realised it was past one in the morning in Los Angeles. She was probably sound asleep by now and he couldn’t bear to wake her up, so he forced himself to hang up and wait to see her at home.
Of course, by the time he finally made it back to his apartment, it was seven in the morning. He quietly snuck inside the house and kicked off his shoes, not even planning on changing before he curled up with her in bed. He was just a few steps inside when he noticed the television was still on, and he couldn’t help smiling sadly when he turned and found her asleep on the couch, still fully dressed. She did wait for him, and even though he hated that he had to disappoint her, it was nice having someone to come home to. Especially when that someone was Sydney Bristow. They spent more time apart than together since they admitted their feelings to one another, but he planned on changing that as soon as possible.
“Hey,” he murmured quietly, kneeling down beside the couch and giving her a gentle shake. She groaned sleepily and buried her face further in the pillow, and he was tempted to just let her continue sleeping on the couch. She would regret it, though, and he didn’t want her to get too uncomfortable, so he shook her once more and brushed a light kiss on her cheek. “Syd, wake up,” he urged quietly.
This time, she blinked and looked up at him sleepily. “Vaughn?” she asked in confusion. “You’re home? What time is it?”
“Almost seven. I’m sorry I didn’t call you from Atlanta. I thought you would be asleep and I didn’t want to wake you up. I didn’t know you were going to wait up for me.”
“How long have you been here?” she asked, sitting up and wiping at her bleary eyes.
“I just walked in,” he answered, taking a seat beside her and brushing her hair off her face. “I thought you would be in the bedroom. You really shouldn’t have stayed up,” he chastised lightly.
“I wanted to see you before I went to sleep. I guess I fell asleep waiting, though.”
“I’m sorry,” he apologised again. “But I’m home now, and I have the day off.”
“Really?” she asked, immediately brightening a little. “How did you manage that?”
“Your dad actually had a little pity on me. It was a really long weekend, so he decided we could all have the day off today,” he explained.
“Oh yeah, the mission. Did it go okay?”
“Yeah, it was fine,” he nodded. “Just long. And now I’m exhausted. I can never sleep on planes. Want to move to the bed with me?” he asked hopefully. “Right now all I want is to curl up next to you and sleep for about twelve hours.”
“That sounds heavenly,” she agreed.
He stood and offered his hand to help her off the couch, taking advantage of the moment to pull her in close for a sweet kiss. It was all he had been able to think about for the last three days, and she was as wonderful as he remembered. “I missed you,” he murmured when they parted.
“Mmm, me too,” she sighed, leaning into him and resting her head on his shoulder. “No more leaving.”
“Okay, I’ll try,” he laughed. “Let’s go to sleep.”
She happily followed him back to the bedroom, and as soon as he had changed his clothes, he finally got to lay down next to her and pull her into his arms. She eagerly complied, and within minutes, they were both sound asleep again.
They didn’t wake again until shortly after noon, and then Sydney offered to throw together some lunch while he took a shower and washed off the remains of his long weekend in India. It was rare to be home at noon on a workday, and he was thrilled to have the rest of the day to just relax with his girlfriend for the first time since they officially started their relationship. It wasn’t much different from how they usually spent a lazy weekend afternoon, but this time, he held her close while they laid on the couch watching movies, and every now and then, she would roll over and kiss him lightly on the lips.
Late that afternoon, Sydney finally rolled off the couch and decided to wander back to the bedroom for a shower, leaving Vaughn alone in the living room. He immediately reached for the remote, planning on switching the channel to ESPN and hopefully catch some hockey clips. As he sat up, however, he noticed something out the corner of his eye. A yellow legal pad sitting on the edge of the coffee table, covered in Sydney’s handwriting. Her statement, he realised. He heard her start the water for her shower, and even though he felt a little guilty, he couldn’t help glancing at it. It’s your job to know, he reminded himself. You’re going to have to read it eventually.
By the time he finished the first page, however, he knew he shouldn’t read anymore. Yes, it was his responsibility to know all of this, but technically, he needed to ask her permission before he read the incredibly personal memories. She was already worried what he would think, and he needed to make sure she was okay with him reading everything before he went any farther into the statement. He set it aside and tried to forget about it, but he was already imagining what kind of horrible things her mother forced her to do.
Fifteen minutes later, he heard her emerge from the shower and turned off the television to go join her in the bedroom. He stepped in the doorway just in time to see her step out of the bathroom wearing only a towel, her hair still dripping a little. She didn’t see him there at first, so he took advantage of his perfect viewpoint to watch her comb out the tangles in her hair and rummage through the drawers for clothes to throw on. Finding sweatpants and a t-shirt, she turned around and saw him and nearly jumped. “Oh my God, you scared me,” she laughed softly.
“Sorry,” he apologised. “I can’t help it. You’re beautiful.”
“Have you been watching me?” she asked incredulously.
“Just for a second,” he admitted. “Can you blame me?”
“Vaughn,” she laughed self-consciously, clutching her towel a little closer.
“You know,” he began teasingly, taking a few steps into the room, “it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
Her cheeks flushed, causing him to smile even wider. “I know,” she managed. “But it’s new, and....” she trailed off, suddenly seeming a bit flustered. Honestly, he was a little surprised by her reaction to him seeing her in just a towel. True, they only slept together once, but she wasn’t at all shy about it, and she had no problems with him seeing her undressed that night.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asked quietly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” he apologised.
“No, it’s fine,” she shook her head. “I don’t mind you seeing me obviously. I just....”
“What?” he prodded gently.
“I guess writing that statement disturbed me a little more than I thought it would,” she admitted. “Just a lot of memories. It’s not that I mind you seeing me....I guess it just brought up some painful things I would really rather forget,” she managed.
“You want to talk about it?” he offered.
“I don’t know if I can,” she answered truthfully, glancing down at the floor. “It was bad enough just writing it. I know you probably need to know, but I don’t think I can talk about it.”
“That’s okay,” he assured her. “You don’t have to. Do you want me to read it, though?” he asked, deciding for now to leave out the fact that he already started reading it just a few minutes ago.
She considered for a moment before finally nodding. “Yeah, um, I guess so,” she agreed.
“I don’t have to, Syd. I can wait if you don’t want me to read it now. Eventually I’m going to need to know,” he admitted. “But I’ll do it on your timeframe, okay?”
“I think you better just go ahead and do it now,” she suggested. “You need to know before....you just need to know.”
“Okay,” he nodded. “I’ll go out to the living room so you have the bedroom to yourself,” he offered, rising and giving her a quick kiss before returning to the living room and sitting down on the couch with the legal pad.
Within minutes, his stomach was churning. He knew her past was terrifying and traumatic - she had the nightmares to prove that much - but reading the words, actually processing the truth, was more difficult than he could ever imagine. They had only been together for a few days, known each other for a few months, but he already knew he cared about her more than he ever cared about anyone. Maybe it was too soon to know if he was in love with her or not, but he had a feeling he was going to fall hard and fast for her. This would be hard enough to read if she was just any other defector. No one, especially a child, should have to endure this kind of treatment for her own mother. But Sydney was not any other defector. She was the woman who saved his life and the woman he shared his bed with. She was the woman he wanted to wake up next to every morning and the woman who cuddled with him on the couch. He didn’t want to even think about her being in pain, and the last seventeen years of her life had been absolute torture. Cautiously, he flipped through the rest of the pages and felt him stomach completely turn over; her statement filled almost the entire pad.
The odd churning in his gut grew worse somewhere around the tenth page. And now he understood why she didn’t want to make a big deal out of her birthday or want him to see her in just her towel. He had to stop reading for a moment, seriously thinking he might have to go to the bathroom to throw up. He closed his eyes to help fight the nausea, but when he did, he pictured a fifteen-year old Sydney being raped by one of her mother’s employees. His eyes immediately flashed open again, and he forced himself to keep reading.
By the time he reached the end, he really did have to get sick. He made it to the guest room just in time to lose the contents of his stomach. He threw up only once, but he remained crouched in front of the toilet just in case. It was one thing to know she had been ordered to kill before, quite another to actually read about the assignments, about the people she had murdered. While he understood she had no choice and justified it to her more than once, it was hard to imagine his sweet, beautiful girlfriend actually holding a gun to a man’s head and pulling the trigger. She had probably killed other CIA agents just like him, just like Dylan, just like his father. She didn’t want to and she hated it, but still, she did it.
But that wasn’t the worst part. If it was just the targets she had killed, he probably wouldn’t be fighting back the nausea right now. He knew that part of her life. He knew in her mother’s eyes she was little more than a glorified assassin. It wasn’t the men she had been forced to kill that really affected him this much. It was the men she seduced....some to their deaths, others just into her bed for secrets and exchanges and whatever else her mother demanded of her. Though he always suspected they may have been a part of her job description considering who her mother was, he never fully accepted that she actually lured men into her bed and allowed them to do as they pleased. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t ask for this, and she certainly never wanted to do it, but he couldn’t erase those pictures from his mind.
“Vaughn?” a tiny voice asked from behind him.
He held up a hand, indicating she should stop and not come any closer. “I’m okay,” he rasped. “Just....give me a minute.” He waited for the sound of her footsteps leaving the bathroom, but she didn’t budge.
“I understand,” she said quietly. “I understand if you can’t look at me after this.”
“Sydney, no,” he shook his head. His stomach was still churning a little, but one glance at her face and his priorities instantly shifted from his nausea to her tears. She looked scared and lost like that six-year old little girl who woke up in a strange land with a mother she no longer knew and a life she didn’t recognise. “C’mere,” he murmured, moving away from the toilet so she could come sit down beside him.
“I know you’re disgusted by me,” she whispered. “It’s okay. I understand.”
“I’ve never been disgusted by you, Sydney. That’s not ever going to happen.”
“But what I did,” she protested. “I’ve killed people, I’ve seduced them. I’ve done horrible things most people would never even consider.”
“Because most people haven’t lived the life you have,” he countered. “Yeah, there are a lot of things in that statement that are hard to handle. Obviously it’s wasn’t easy for me to wrap my mind around it,” he admitted. “But there are also a lot of things in there that show exactly why you had to do it. Syd, the things you saw.....someone being killed right in front of you...”
“How can you justify it like that?” she asked incredulously. “How can you just excuse what I’ve done without even thinking about it? Just think about it, Vaughn. Think about the things I did. I seduced a man when I was fifteen years old!”
“No, you didn’t,” he shook his head vehemently, shocked that she could even see it that way. “You were raped, Sydney,” he corrected her. “You wanted no part in that. You had no choice.”
“I did,” she insisted. “There had to have been something I could have done. I could have stopped him somehow. I knew how to protect myself. I could have made him stop. I could have have made him leave me alone somehow.”
“You were fiften,” he argued. “You were only fifteen. You were still a kid who should have been protected from that.”
She moved closer into his arms and rested her head on his shoulder, and he felt her body begin to tremble. “I could have done something,” she whispered. “I could have made him stop.”
He wrapped his arms around her as though he could actually shield her from the horrible memories when he himself was still shaken by the images currently lodged in his brain. He didn’t even want to think about another man touching her in the first place, and he really didn’t want to know everything about her sexual past. How twisted could it possibly be that her sexual history was actually part of the information he needed to disclose to the CIA? If she felt the need to tell him about it at some point in their relationship, it should stay just between the two of them. Instead, he had to read it in a statement just days into the beginning of their relationship so he could eventually turn it over to the CIA where half a dozen other agents would eventually read and study it. He didn’t want to have these kind of pictures of her in his head, imagining her at the mercy of other men, being forced to have sex for her mother’s gain, and he really didn’t want anyone else picturing the same things.
“I didn’t want it,” she continued through her tears.
“Of course you didn’t,” he murmured, smoothing down her hair and pressing a light kiss to her temple.
“I’m so sorry, Vaughn.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” he insisted. “It’s hard for me to think about it. It’s hard for me to read about the things she forced you to do, but I’m not mad at you or disgusted with you or anything else running through your mind right now. I’m just....I’m just trying to figure out how to handle all this.”
“Why do you even want to?” she asked incredulously. “You could have anyone, Vaughn. Someone nice and normal who hasn’t used her body like that. Someone better than me.”
“What you’ve done....that has nothing to do with who you are, Syd. You are a beautiful, amazing person. I’ve always known there were a lot of things in your past, but still, this weekend....you were the only thing on my mind,” he confessed. “I could barely think about the mission because I was thinking about you.”
“I’m not worth that,” she shook her head, the tears running furiously down her cheeks.
“You are,” he insisted. “You’re so worth it, Syd. I promise you.”
“How could you not be disgusted with me? It made you throw up. It’s okay, you can admit it. I understand that it’s unforgiveable.”
“I didn’t get sick because I’m disgusted by you. That’s not it at all. It’s just imagining the kind of pain you went through,” he tried to explain, not even realising it was true until he said it. There really was not a single part of him that blamed her for this. It revolted him to think of men touching her and using her like she was just an expendable piece of property, but in the context of the fear and terror she was forced to live in for the last seventeen years, there was simply no way to hold her responsible. It didn’t make everything magically better, and it wasn’t going to stop him from being haunted by her words for weeks and months to come, but he wasn’t about to hold this against her and actually let it come between them. “I know you’re hurting right now,” he whispered, running his fingers soothingly through her hair. “And I’m hurting for you, Syd. I’m sorry she put you through that. I’m sorry you didn’t have a mother who could see how beautiful and wonderful you are. You deserved that, and I’m so sorry you didn’t get it. But things are different now. You’re here with me and with your dad, and you can finally start to forget about all of that. I know it was hard for you to write all that, but I’m so proud of you,” he praised her. “I’m so proud you were strong and courageous enough to actually write all that and to let me see it.”
“I was so scared,” she admitted in a whisper. “I was terrified you would read it and decide you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
“That wouldn’t happen, Syd,” he assured her confidently. “You have to understand that you were just a pawn in her game. It’s awful. It really is. But it’s not your fault.”
She nodded, but he could tell she didn’t fully believe it. It was just going to take time, and probably a lot more tears, before she would be able to accept that she was helpless to stop her mother’s master plans for her. “Are you sure we’re okay?” she asked after a few minutes of just sitting in his arms.
“Yeah, we’re okay,” he nodded confidently. “But I do need you to know, Syd, just in the interests of being completely honest with you, this is a lot to digest.”
“I know,” she nodded guiltily.
“But I’m really not upset with you,” he assured her once more. “I just need some time to process.”
“I get it,” she nodded. “Do you want me to move back to the guest room?”
“No, of course not,” he shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. I just....God, this is so hard,” he sighed. He gave himself a moment to think, trying to think of the right words to say to her that wouldn’t sound like he was upset with her but would still help her to understand what he was feeling right now. “I don’t want to step backwards or slow things down. I just need you to know that if I seem weird or distant....it’s not your fault. I’m just dealing with this the best way I can. Okay?”
“Okay,” she nodded. “So do you still want to have dinner with my dad tonight? If you don’t, we don’t have to.”
He cringed a little, hoping she didn’t notice. He completely forgot about the birthday dinner with her dad, but there wasn’t a chance he was going to disappoint her again. “We’re going. This is your birthday dinner, and I know your dad is looking forward to seeing you.”
“Are you sure?” she asked uncertainly.
“I’m positive,” he nodded. “But I think I’m just gonna go for a run first. Clear my mind a little.”
“Okay,” she agreed again, moving out of his arms and pulling herself up, offering a hand to help him up as well. He accepted it and returned to his own bathroom to brush his teeth before changing into running clothes. When he stepped out of the bathroom she was nowhere to be seen, so he quickly threw on a pair of shorts and his running shoes and then slipped out the front door.
As he ran, he felt the tension melting off his body. Running had always been his escape, and the feeling of his heart racing in his chest and his feet pounding against the concrete forced from his mind the horrible images that had been floating there since he read her statement. For a few miles, he only had to focus on the rhythm of his breathing and let the rest of the world disappear. And he needed it after the dramatic shift his life had taken. From the day he took the assignment to break into Irina Derevko’s safe, his life had been forever altered. Little did he know Sydney would be the one to save him and that she would ultimately flip his world upside down. Over the last few months, she had crept her way into his life and into his heart, and it wasn’t exactly a change he was expecting. He broke up with Alice months ago not only because they had little in common, but also because he just wasn’t ready to share himself with anyone. He was still too focused on his career to spend all of his time with a girlfriend, and most women couldn’t accept coming in second.
With Sydney, it was completely different. Not only did he offer her a place in his apartment - something he had never, ever done with a girlfriend before - but he did so without even thinking. He let her stay here one night, and then he didn’t want her to go. He was already going out in the field less and less, too worried about how to get Sydney away from her mother to be concerned with the number of missions he was sent on. As soon as she moved in, he accepted a complete change in assignment, temporarily putting aside his dreams of jet-setting across the globe in favour of staying here in Los Angeles with her. He hadn’t been to visit his mother in over a month, and he hadn’t been out with Weiss and the guys for weeks. All of his time was devoted to Sydney, and he hadn’t even really considered it until now. It wasn’t that he minded, and it wasn’t that he resented it, but this was almost as new to him as it was to her. She wasn’t the only one who needed time to adjust. He wanted to be everything she needed, and he wanted to give her the kind of life she always should have had, but he also needed to take a few minutes for himself every now and then, or he was going to lose his mind.
These new revelations into her past weren’t going to make things any easier. As much as he didn’t want to complicate life for her or make her feel any more guilty, he was still just a man. This was his girlfriend, and he would be inhuman if he wasn’t jealous, and yes, maybe just a little horrified that she had actually seduced the men her mother chose. Maybe a part of him was disgusted, though he could never admit that to her. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand she had no choice, but she was so far above that kind of lifestyle. He never dreamed of dating someone with a past as checkered as Sydney’s, and justifying it wasn’t going to help him deal with the shock of it all. He had a feeling he was going to be running a lot over the next few weeks as he attempted to actually digest the unsavoury information he just learned about her.
He could have kept running for hours, but a quick check of his watch revealed he had less than two hours before they were supposed to be meeting her dad for dinner. He and Jack had talked about it briefly in India and decided on a nice Italian restaurant not too far from the apartment. He hadn’t taken her there yet, but she loved Italian food, and it was upscale without being stuffy or uncomfortable. Now he just wished he had a little more time to compose himself and get ready to face her dad knowing they would have to reveal the true nature of their relationship for right now.
Less than twenty minutes later, he was home and in desperate need of another shower. His run had done the trick, and he was finally able to push most of the thoughts of her statement to the back of his mind to be dealt with another day. The rest of the night was just for her, and he was determined to make this special for her. She deserved one night of carefree fun with him and her father, and he was going to make that happen. “Hey,” she greeted quietly as he stepped into the bedroom where she was sitting on the bed reading one of the books he bought for her. “How was your run?”
“Great,” he smiled easily.
“Do you feel better?” she asked hopefully. “Because really, I understand if you don’t want to go out to dinner tonight. We could always do it another night,” she offered.
“I feel much better,” he assured her. “I just needed to run and work some things out. Now let’s just put it behind us for now and go celebrate your birthday. We should have gotten to do this on Friday.”
Relief flooded her features, and her lips twisted upward in a smile. “Where are we going?” she asked curiously.
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Vaughn!” she protested.
“What?” he asked innocently. “It’s your birthday. It’s a surprise.”
“No, my birthday was Friday,” she corrected. “It’s not actually my birthday anymore, so you don’t have to surprise me.”
“Maybe,” he conceded. “But we’re still going to.”
“That’s not fair,” she pouted. “How am I supposed to get ready if I don’t even know where we’re going?”
“Oh, I think you’ll figure it out.”
“Vaughn.”
“You know, I think that black dress you bought would be perfect,” he suggested.
“The dress? Vaughn, you don’t have to take me anywhere fancy. Anything would be fine with me.”
“I know, but you’re getting a special night, so quit trying to get out of it. And your dad picked out the restaurant anyway. You don’t need to be too dressed up, but wear something nice.”
She frowned in obvious displeasure at his unwillingness to disclose the restaurant, and he couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on her face.
“It’s just dinner, Syd. I think it’ll be okay,” he chuckled. “I’m gross, so I’m going to get in the shower. We should leave in about an hour.”
“Fine,” she sighed dramatically.
She looked so cute, he couldn’t help stealing a quick kiss before he hopped in the shower. She gladly returned the kiss, dropping the feinged unhappiness and responding eagerly to his touch. “Don’t start something you can’t finish,” he advised her. “We really have to leave in an hour, and I’m going to need at least that long to compose myself again.”
“Why’s that?” she asked playfully.
“Because I have to face your dad,” he reminded her. “And no offense, but he scares the hell out of me.”
“My dad?” she asked in surprise.
“Yeah, Syd,” he laughed. “Your dad is one of the most terrifying men I’ve ever met. I don’t know anyone who’s not afraid of him.”
“No,” she shook her head. “I don’t believe you.”
“You’re crazy.”
“He’s not scary at all!” she protested. “I mean, maybe when he’s mad, but I can’t see him getting mad all that often.”
“Yeah, that’s because you’re his daughter,” he answered wryly. “If you were anyone else, you would be just as scared of him as I am. He’s a very intimidating man. And let’s not forget that he pretty much holds my future in the palm of his hands. One wrong move and he could have me fired. And don’t think he wouldn’t do it.”
“I still don’t believe you.”
“Ask anyone,” he said seriously. “Jack Bristow is a seriously scary man. Especially when you’re dating his daughter. It’s a good thing he doesn’t know that yet, although I think he’s already getting a little suspicious about the level of my concern for you.”
Another smile spread over her face, and she leaned back a little to look him in the eye. “You were worried about me?” she asked, unable to hide the slight bit of satisfaction that gave her.
“I meant what I said earlier, Syd,” he answered seriously. “You were really all I thought about all weekend.”
The smile remained on her beautiful face, but he could see the insecurity creeping into her brown eyes. “Are you sure you’re still going to feel the same way after what you read today?” she asked quietly, her voice hesitant and uncertain.
“I’m sure, Sydney,” he confirmed, leaning forward and kissing her sweetly on the lips. “This is new to both of us,” he reminded her. “We’re not going to do it perfectly, especially considering the crazy circumstances around all of this. But I’d be crazy to let you go just because it’s going to be hard. Everything worth anything takes work. We’ll figure it all out,” he said confidently. “I promise.”