[text] I AM A BEAUTIFUL ANIMAL
Sorry for being so out-of-touch, everyone! I see that a lot of you have been asking just what happened.
You might want to take a seat, because the tale you are about to hear is so far-out, it'll take your breath away.
As most of you know, Russia had invaded my embassy. Not only that, but he moved in with the very countries who escaped him and claimed the entire apartment communist. If that doesn't make you angry enough, I have reason to believe he also ate a baby angel.
So of course, I had to do something about it. And don't think I went in there immediately with guns blazing! To my credit, I tried to get him out peacefully. I've had enough peace marches to give it a shot. I asked him to leave, even going so far as to offer to help him find a new place to live! But would he listen? No. He was just determined to invade my territory and remain an everlasting threat to the people and countries seeking refuge here. That was when I took action.
It was an entrance that rivals Johnny Quest in terms of sheer action, I blew up his door and freedom-hating flag into a million pieces! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. SOVIET FLAGS BURNING AND THE DOORS TO THE IRON CURTAIN BEING BLOWN OPEN, THE SOUND OF LIBERTY CRASHING THROUGH THE AIR oh man I could happily relive that moment every day of my life. I was kinda expecting some backlash, being my embassy, but maybe this chip comes in handy after all. Now I don't have any more grenades, but it was for a worthy cause. Then I go in with my handy-dandy carbine. Even if that bastard hasn't limped outta there yet, I put enough bullet holes in his living room to let in enough of the cold to turn it into the eight circle of hell. Do you know what he did? Do you know what he did to me?!
HE SHOT TEXAS. HOUSTON WAS HIT! GODDAMN IT THAT'S WHERE I GO TO RODEOS. I'm praying that this doesn't mean the Houston back home was bombed, because otherwise I'm going to run over the entirety of Moscow with my Volkswagen. For now, my crappy eyesight wins the day.
However, I got my revenge. Fuck you, St. Petersberg or Leningrad or whatever the fuck Russia's calling it these days. I HOPE IT GETS INFECTED AND HE SUFFERS THE WORST RECESSION HE'S EVER KNOWN.
After Houston was hit, I was practically blind. My machine gun was running low on bullets, I was crouched behind a table on the other side of the room, and he still had his guns. But, like the amazing country that I am, I managed to spring across the room, dodging bullets and shooting all at once. I think I did a backflip over the couch at one point. Basically I harness the power of The Amazing Spiderman for my own heroic efforts. By the time I made it over to him, I was out of bullets. But did that stop me? HELL NO! As I drew my gun upwards to use as a club, Russia found an opening and broke my goddamn nose. It hurts like hell, I practically bled out an entire river, and it looks just plain gross. ...Wanna see?!
[video]
[Well whether you wanted to or not, here's America. His nose is swollen and purple, other dark bruises spreading over his left cheek and the top of his forehead. Despite looking like shit, he's grinning.]
[text again]
But after that, I clubbed the bastard in the head. I'm sure his lips were moving in silent prayer that I would spare his pitiful existence, the force of the blow knocking the question "WHY DID I EVER MESS WITH THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?!" in his head. That's a very good question, Russia. I guess it's because you're crazy or gay for me. Definitely the first and probably the second. I know I'm hot, but you just gotta let it go, man.
Using guns as clubs isn't the most ideal way to fight, so I took out my trusty entrenching tool. I'm pissed that I can't find it now, because that was one of the few things I had along that I used all the time. If anyone sees it around, can I have it back? Okay, back to the point: this thing can basically split skulls in half. I don't know if it can cut through Russia's mutant whale bones, but at the very least it would've been fun to hit him in the head. But of course, he had his stupid pipe thing with him. You know that scene in Scaramouche where Andre and whats-his-face are sword fighting? Imagine that with a shovel and a faucet. I was Andre, of course. Only not French.
At that point the blood loss and exhaustion were starting to get to me. I'm usually much stronger, but with this stupid chip I don't think I can pull England's car around so easily anymore! This lead to Mr. Russkie getting a few good hits in; I can't move too well, and my clavicle hurts and my whole torso's all black and blue. Again, hopefully just wounds of the body and the Great Plains are still dandy. I know Russia's bitter about the Sunflower State. Without my soldiers beside me, the fight was starting to look even worse.
But then, the most amazing thing happened.
Are you sitting down? You should be sitting down, because I have big news.
I'M A FREAKING TIME TRAVELER!
Or something like that! I heard gunshots, sure Russia had made his final move and I had to come back to haunt his ass, when I looked down and saw a tranquilizer in my side. When I looked up, it was me standing in the doorway! I think a future version of myself had gone back in time to assure that I won the battle! God Bless Future America. Russia was hit, but Future America's glasses must've been broken too, because he also hit me. But it's alright! I still came out alive after the most epic sneak attack in history. IT WAS SO COOL. I'M SO COOL!
I AM THE NATION WHERE DREAMS ARE BORN.
I AM A MAGNIFICENT LAND OF GLORY.
I AM A TITAN AMONG COUNTRIES.
I AM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
...And then I woke up and went through a hellish torment I never knew existed. I don't even want to describe it. So. Many. Jellyrolls. Oh my god. Never want to see Primorsky again.
So now that you know the story: Anyone here good at repair glasses or have any drugs for me? I don't care if they make the pain go away or make me so out of it I can't process reality anymore.
Aaaaand Russia, if you haven't moved: This isn't the last of it. I will time travel my way to kicking your ass all the way back to the 1800's. No one help him until he gets out.
Poland? Baltic bros? Lie? ...I'm tryin'. I really am. Gimme a little time and I'll be back on me feet, I swear.
You might want to take a seat, because the tale you are about to hear is so far-out, it'll take your breath away.
As most of you know, Russia had invaded my embassy. Not only that, but he moved in with the very countries who escaped him and claimed the entire apartment communist. If that doesn't make you angry enough, I have reason to believe he also ate a baby angel.
So of course, I had to do something about it. And don't think I went in there immediately with guns blazing! To my credit, I tried to get him out peacefully. I've had enough peace marches to give it a shot. I asked him to leave, even going so far as to offer to help him find a new place to live! But would he listen? No. He was just determined to invade my territory and remain an everlasting threat to the people and countries seeking refuge here. That was when I took action.
It was an entrance that rivals Johnny Quest in terms of sheer action, I blew up his door and freedom-hating flag into a million pieces! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. SOVIET FLAGS BURNING AND THE DOORS TO THE IRON CURTAIN BEING BLOWN OPEN, THE SOUND OF LIBERTY CRASHING THROUGH THE AIR oh man I could happily relive that moment every day of my life. I was kinda expecting some backlash, being my embassy, but maybe this chip comes in handy after all. Now I don't have any more grenades, but it was for a worthy cause. Then I go in with my handy-dandy carbine. Even if that bastard hasn't limped outta there yet, I put enough bullet holes in his living room to let in enough of the cold to turn it into the eight circle of hell. Do you know what he did? Do you know what he did to me?!
HE SHOT TEXAS. HOUSTON WAS HIT! GODDAMN IT THAT'S WHERE I GO TO RODEOS. I'm praying that this doesn't mean the Houston back home was bombed, because otherwise I'm going to run over the entirety of Moscow with my Volkswagen. For now, my crappy eyesight wins the day.
However, I got my revenge. Fuck you, St. Petersberg or Leningrad or whatever the fuck Russia's calling it these days. I HOPE IT GETS INFECTED AND HE SUFFERS THE WORST RECESSION HE'S EVER KNOWN.
After Houston was hit, I was practically blind. My machine gun was running low on bullets, I was crouched behind a table on the other side of the room, and he still had his guns. But, like the amazing country that I am, I managed to spring across the room, dodging bullets and shooting all at once. I think I did a backflip over the couch at one point. Basically I harness the power of The Amazing Spiderman for my own heroic efforts. By the time I made it over to him, I was out of bullets. But did that stop me? HELL NO! As I drew my gun upwards to use as a club, Russia found an opening and broke my goddamn nose. It hurts like hell, I practically bled out an entire river, and it looks just plain gross. ...Wanna see?!
[video]
[Well whether you wanted to or not, here's America. His nose is swollen and purple, other dark bruises spreading over his left cheek and the top of his forehead. Despite looking like shit, he's grinning.]
[text again]
But after that, I clubbed the bastard in the head. I'm sure his lips were moving in silent prayer that I would spare his pitiful existence, the force of the blow knocking the question "WHY DID I EVER MESS WITH THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?!" in his head. That's a very good question, Russia. I guess it's because you're crazy or gay for me. Definitely the first and probably the second. I know I'm hot, but you just gotta let it go, man.
Using guns as clubs isn't the most ideal way to fight, so I took out my trusty entrenching tool. I'm pissed that I can't find it now, because that was one of the few things I had along that I used all the time. If anyone sees it around, can I have it back? Okay, back to the point: this thing can basically split skulls in half. I don't know if it can cut through Russia's mutant whale bones, but at the very least it would've been fun to hit him in the head. But of course, he had his stupid pipe thing with him. You know that scene in Scaramouche where Andre and whats-his-face are sword fighting? Imagine that with a shovel and a faucet. I was Andre, of course. Only not French.
At that point the blood loss and exhaustion were starting to get to me. I'm usually much stronger, but with this stupid chip I don't think I can pull England's car around so easily anymore! This lead to Mr. Russkie getting a few good hits in; I can't move too well, and my clavicle hurts and my whole torso's all black and blue. Again, hopefully just wounds of the body and the Great Plains are still dandy. I know Russia's bitter about the Sunflower State. Without my soldiers beside me, the fight was starting to look even worse.
But then, the most amazing thing happened.
Are you sitting down? You should be sitting down, because I have big news.
I'M A FREAKING TIME TRAVELER!
Or something like that! I heard gunshots, sure Russia had made his final move and I had to come back to haunt his ass, when I looked down and saw a tranquilizer in my side. When I looked up, it was me standing in the doorway! I think a future version of myself had gone back in time to assure that I won the battle! God Bless Future America. Russia was hit, but Future America's glasses must've been broken too, because he also hit me. But it's alright! I still came out alive after the most epic sneak attack in history. IT WAS SO COOL. I'M SO COOL!
I AM THE NATION WHERE DREAMS ARE BORN.
I AM A MAGNIFICENT LAND OF GLORY.
I AM A TITAN AMONG COUNTRIES.
I AM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
...And then I woke up and went through a hellish torment I never knew existed. I don't even want to describe it. So. Many. Jellyrolls. Oh my god. Never want to see Primorsky again.
So now that you know the story: Anyone here good at repair glasses or have any drugs for me? I don't care if they make the pain go away or make me so out of it I can't process reality anymore.
Aaaaand Russia, if you haven't moved: This isn't the last of it. I will time travel my way to kicking your ass all the way back to the 1800's. No one help him until he gets out.
Poland? Baltic bros? Lie? ...I'm tryin'. I really am. Gimme a little time and I'll be back on me feet, I swear.