I wish I could say it's a cute little christmas fic...
failboatsinlove had a plotbunny post and beachan18's bunny (#2) totally bit me. I was like, oh! this'll be so cute! and then I had to go and fuck it up. I fucked it up. Oh, my God, I fucked it up so hard. I don't even know, it went from Spencer wanting to make Brendon happy, into Brendon being emotionally fucked up from being a Mormon and wanting to please everyone and him making Spencer emotionally fucked up, into Spencer not wanting to tell Brendon he loves him, into some Jon/Ryan, and it's not as it should've been! Sorry, Bea!
So seriously though, I don't even know if this makes any sense. It's just this epic pile of ~3,400 words of angsting *mess* (though, hello trademark angst, you have returned to me) and unbeta'd. Maybe they're all horribly, horribly OOC. IDK. Comments and if you see any glaring errors? It's all lovely.
Spencer had asked Brendon to come with him for Christmas Break. Maybe it was because Spencer wanted Brendon to meet his parents, or maybe it was mostly because Spencer knew all the troubles of Brendon's past - from coming out and being kicked out, to having to support himself through his final year of high school, to getting to NYU on a scholarship, but still having to work his ass off at two different jobs to scrape through, which was where he was now - and it created this nasty pit having to think about Brendon spending his Christmas alone - and having to think about all those Christmases Brendon didn't have anyone.
Even though their relationship had been a quick, easy, light, four-month romance, Spencer had asked Brendon to come home to Vegas with him. Brendon had accepted with big, wet eyes and it made something pang at Spencer's heart and think, mine.
Still, Spencer had asked and Brendon had said yes and Spencer hadn't thought another thing of it.
But now, they're on their flight across the country, Brendon sound asleep on Spencer's shoulder, and Spencer suddenly finds himself thinking about his parents, and, oh God, his sisters, and how he loves them all, but they may be a little overwhelming for an outsider. And then, thinking of overwhelming, Spencer thinks about Ryan and Brendon sighs into Spencer's neck a little bit and Spencer's head is absolutely spinning 'round.
*
They get a cab to Spencer's house, and all the while Spencer is doing this thing where he tells himself that he's totally not freaking out, but he is, and like, his hands are shaking, but thankfully Brendon, for some reason, isn't all over Spencer like normal.
The closer they get to Spencer's house, the more…restless Brendon seems to get. He's wriggling around uncomfortably, and even though they're not holding hands or whatever, Spencer can still feel Brendon's discomfort with whatever.
Spencer quells the trembling going through his hands and brain and wipes his sweaty palms on his pants. He grips Brendon's hand and squeezes. Brendon goes still instantly and Spencer tips his head and whispers in Brendon's ear, "What's the matter?"
"I just didn't realize you lived so…close to where I grew up," Brendon whispers back - or, well, it's not whispering because he's definitely still using his vocal chords - and he has a look on his face that Spencer's never seen before.
It upsets Spencer, the look does. The way Brendon seems to being feeling; he wants to go kick the hell out of Brendon's parents for striking such…fear, almost, into him. The look sets that pit back into Spencer's stomach.
He wants to make everything better. He presses a kiss to Brendon's temple. "It'll be okay," he says with his mouth ghosting there. "I promise."
*
So for that one moment when Spencer was comforting Brendon, he'd forgotten about his fears, taking on, instead, Brendon's.
But now he's freaking out again.
They're pulling up to his house, and paying the cab, and taking out their luggage, and belatedly, Spencer discovers excitedly that there are no cars in the driveway.
Brendon makes a face as Spencer starts to carry their luggage up to the house. He runs up beside Spencer and takes his bag. He says, "Dude, where's your family?"
Spencer shrugs.
"This is normal?" Brendon says slowly.
"Of course," Spencer says. "They totally hate me and never tell me when they do shit."
Brendon's eyes get huge and Spencer says, "Relax, not really," feeling like an idiot. He needs to think about what comes out of his mouth before he says it.
*
Speaking of thinking before he speaks:
They sort of get caught making out on the couch. His mom walks in busily, holding a bag of groceries and humming about, and wanders by the living room and finds them and calls brightly, "Hello, Spencer."
Spencer makes an unintelligible noise and jerks backward. He hasn't gotten caught doing anything since the eighth grade. And now he's twenty. It's not something he wants to resurrect.
Brendon just grins and says, "Hi, I'm Brendon." Spencer smiles to himself. Can't even tell that Brendon had been upset, all Spencer's doing. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Smith."
"Ginger," she tells him, and then says, "Spencer, you could've been doing something a bit more productive with your time, maybe. Like, reading the note on the table and realizing that we'd be home at this time, so you wouldn't get caught-"
"We weren't-!" Spencer starts to protest futilely, but his mom keeps on talking over him, "-making out."
Brendon pokes Spencer in the side. "Dude, we totally were. You can't lie to your mom," he says sagely.
Ginger laughs and says, "I like you."
Brendon beams and Spencer wants to groan.
*
(Though, Brendon seemed to have liked Spencer's mom as much as Ginger had liked him, so that was a start and a small easing on Spencer's freak out.)
*
Spencer, Brendon, Crystal and Jackie are sitting in the living room.
Well, it was more like, Spencer and Brendon had been sharing quick kisses back-and-forth, checking the hallway in between each, still sitting on the couch from before, Brendon practically in Spencer's lap, when the twins had come in and sat on the couch across from them and done that freaky twin thing where they tilt their heads simultaneously and make their eyes huge and look generally creepy.
And that's where they were. Just staring.
At one point, Brendon had leaned over and whispered, "You're sisters are weird," in this happy little voice that secretly meant this is fuckin'
*awesome*!
Then. Then it got weird. Jackie shared the protector gene with Spencer and Crystal got some weird kind of follow-the-Jackie gene and did whatever Jackie said and they never had to even speak to each other. Which, yeah, was like Spencer and Ryan, but still fucking weird on other people.
So Jackie nudges Crystal and Crystal grabs Spencer by the arm and says, "Spencer, we need to go do some stuff," and briskly tugs him from the room. Once they're in the hall, she leans in and whispers, "Look, I'm supposed to take you away, but if you want to listen, I don't care. I'm going to go get some Twizzlers."
Spencer opts for staying.
Jackie asks Brendon all this simple questions, and is Brendon nice to Spencer, and she soon gets the vibe that Spencer's doing more of the manhandling, unlike Spencer's past relationship with Bob, and that Brendon is so oddly innocent, so she doesn't have to worry about Brendon breaking Spencer's heart or hurting him or anything.
Spencer's starting to think her inquisition is over, but then she says, and he can just picture her grinning and popping an eyebrow slyly, "So how much have you guys done?"
Brendon must've pulled a face because then she says, giggling, "You know, done."
"Oh." Brendon clears his throat. "Um, aren't you only like, sixteen?"
"I'm young, not stupid." Insert eyeroll of duh here.
"Oh, um," Brendon says again. "Nothing that would interest you?" It comes out like a question.
"What?" Jackie asks, genuinely confused.
"We haven't had sex," Brendon says slowly, "if that's what you're asking."
"Oh, why not?"
"Why not?" Brendon echoes, like he's not sure how to answer, or why Jackie's even asking it, and Spencer swallows. He doesn't exactly know 'why not' either. Just that one day, early on, the first week or two, they'd gotten close, Spencer was going for Brendon's zipper and Brendon had just choked out, "No," so Spencer hadn't pushed it since. He wasn't going to treat Brendon like some chick. Spencer still had a hand, after all, didn't he?
"Yeah," Jackie says, making a little humph noise, "why not? People totally do that when they're stupidly in love."
It's not love! Spencer thinks, because…it's…not, right? Four months is too soon for love. Definitely. "We're not stupidly love. Love isn't stupid," Brendon says quietly, and Spencer wants to poke his head into the room and read Brendon's body language, because that tone is unidentifiable.
"If you say so," Jackie says in that tone she gets from their mom, the I know more than you! tone. "But seriously, why not?"
"Truth?" Brendon asks.
"The truth," Jackie affirms.
Brendon says, "I haven't even told Spencer this"-Spencer bites his lip-"because I guess I'm kind of…embarrassed? I don't know. It's stupid…" he trails off.
Jackie must do that hand thing where she waves it like go on at him, because Brendon says, "I don't know how much Spencer told you about me, but like, my parents kicked me out of the house when I told them that I was gay-"
"I'm sorry," Jackie cuts in, and Brendon continues, "It's…I'm over it, I think, but I don't know. I still hold onto some of my religion, I think. I think being a Mormon is ridiculous, but I don't know. I believe there's something more and maybe that's God, but the saving yourself for marriage - or commitment, I guess, since I'm gay - it's just. You know?"
"Oh, sweetie," Jackie says and Brendon whimpers and sniffles and Spencer can't take it and bursts back into the room. He sends Jackie a sharp look and swears she cowers and then she leaves. Spencer sits down on the couch and Brendon immediately scoots down the furthest away he can get from Spencer.
Spencer closes him in and he's not mad, more confused and upset with himself for not figuring this out, and again cursing the world for how fucked up Brendon is from his goddamn religion and his parents and how much Spencer can't fix it sometimes.
Spencer wraps his arm around Brendon's waist and tugs him close. Brendon's got tears running down his face. Spencer wipes a few streaming down away with the thumb of his free hand and their eyes connect for a second before Brendon stares down into his lap. He says, barely audible, "I didn't tell you because I didn't think you'd get it. I'm sorry if you hate me, I understand if you want-"
"If you say break up I will kill you dead," Spencer cuts in. Brendon's using that miserable tone that Spencer never ever wants to hear and hates every second of when he does. He just wants to fix it. "I understand. If I didn't…" the love you hangs on the tip of his tongue, but he thinks about how Brendon said it wasn't love too and he tries to find different words, "want to be with you, if it was just about sex, don't you think I'd have left the first time you said no?"
"I…guess so." Brendon turns and buries his face into Spencer's shoulder. Brendon's body shudders for a while but he's not crying, struggling to regain normal, unstuttered breath. Once his breathing returns to normal, his head pops back up with a dark, determined look in his eyes. He presses a hard kiss to Spencer's lips and says, "I don't know how you can deal with having to fix me all the time."
"I like fixing," Spencer whispers.
Brendon presses on, "I've got to be the most fucked up person ever."
"Wait until you meet Ryan," Spencer says in laughter.
*
Spencer starts freaking out again about two minutes before Ryan gets there. Because he realizes that Brendon and Ryan's personalities may…clash.
Basically, Spencer's worried that Ryan may just straight up hate Brendon's spazzy side and that's a problem since Ryan is the fifteen-years-long best friend.
Ryan is scary and Spencer knows Ryan is scary - maybe that's why he keeps him around, or maybe he just actually likes the douchebag - and Brendon is wearing his normal tight jeans and Spencer is distracted and is having troubling concentrating on thinking and then Ryan walks through the door.
Spencer flinches despite himself and Ryan hugs him. Which, is a new development. Ryan's also not wearing eyeliner. Again, new. Probably mostly having to do with Jon. Spencer hugs Ryan back tightly, because damn, he missed him, but says, "Where the hell is my best friend?"
"Smoking weed with Jon and listening to The Band," is Ryan's answer and when they pull away from their hug, he's smirking. He turns to Brendon and says, "And you're the boyfriend."
"The Brendon, actually," Brendon says and beams. "And you're Ryan."
"Yes, I'm sure Spencer talks about me often. He certainly talks about you non-fucking-stop." Ryan pushes his hair off his forehead a bit and yep, he's wearing a headband. Spencer's kind of shocked.
"Nah, I can just read minds." Brendon giggles at himself.
Ryan actually chuckles and says, just like Spencer's mom, "I like you." And then, "Approved, Spence."
Spencer lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.
*
Spencer and Brendon are going to be sleeping - just sleeping - in the same bed tonight and that's something they've never done. His mom had just assumed but they don't live in the same apartment, though Brendon is at Spencer's practically all the time.
Spencer knows Brendon's comfortable being practically naked - no sex, Spencer reminds himself as Brendon wiggles out of his jeans.
Spencer slips into some pajama bottoms and Brendon sidles up beside him and blows hot breath onto the back of Spencer's neck, which makes Spencer shiver despite the decent Vegas heat.
Brendon bends over and scours through Spencer's suitcase until he comes up with another pair of pajama bottoms and slides them on himself. He rolls the waistband over, like, three times so they don't drag on the ground or fall off his waist.
Spencer kisses Brendon, just a quick peck goodnight, and then they crawl under the covers. They lie in the dark for a while, not really touching, and Spencer doesn't hear Brendon's breath even out, so Spencer can't even think about sleeping comfortably 'til he knows Brendon's out too.
Abruptly Brendon whispers, "If you want to have sex, we can."
"What?" Spencer blinks his eyes open, wide.
Brendon repeats, "If you want to have sex, we can."
"Do you want to have sex?" Spencer counters. "This isn't about me."
"Yes it is," Brendon says. "I want to make you happy."
"Brendon," Spencer whispers, getting it, another one of Brendon's fucked up hang-ups, "you don't need to please me. This about you."
"Spence," he says, then trails off.
Spencer adds, "I never want anything to hurt you, Brendon, and it's the weirdest thing I've ever felt. I want to protect you from the entire world and I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do. I don't want to be the one who hurts you. It'd probably kill me."
"I just, I think it'd scramble my brain even…worse, if that's even a possibility, we…should…n't…" Brendon whispers, shifting over and curling into Spencer's side.
Brendon's breath intake is shaky and Spencer runs his hand up and down Brendon's side, his breathing matching Brendon's.
Nothing's changed but everything feels worse.
*
Spencer doesn't sleep and slips out from next to Brendon around 2AM, grabs his phone and goes out into the backyard, so he doesn't wake anyone up. He calls Ryan and Ryan answers the phone with a giggly, "Yes?" and a stoned Ryan is not what Spencer needs right now but Spencer starts to ramble off the tales from the day anyways.
He's been telling Ryan about every problem that is Brendon's brain since the beginning, and Ryan hasn't exactly been helpful, but he's been…trying; he's been a listener, he's been someone to keep Spencer sane, keep him from breaking down about or in front of Brendon, something that would be truly catastrophic, if Spencer lost it in front of Brendon, let his frustrations go where he could see.
After Spencer finishes talking, Ryan says, "Dude. How do you not-dude."
"What?" Spencer says dumbly.
"He wants to make you happy because he loves you, not because he thinks he needs to please everyone," Ryan says, and maybe somewhere Spencer had been thinking that, but hearing someone else say that makes it…real. "He's thinking about sex now not only because Jackie brought it up, but 'cause he's fucking serious with you. And you're serious about him. And dumb. You're also so dumb about him. You asked him to come meet your parents. You asked him to come meet me, Spencer. The two of you are so, like, intense and sickeningly cute and in love and dumb. You're dumb, Spencer James, did I say that?"
"Oh, my God," Spencer moans. "How is that you're only helpful to mean when stoned?"
"Just is," Ryan says. "Oh, and he needs you tell him that you love him. It may not magically heal all the shit that's been twisted inside him, but holy fuck, you know that it'll make it a fuckload better."
"You're…you're talking about yourself and Jon now," Spencer says deliriously. "Brendon doesn't need me."
"So what if I'm talking about myself? It's totally almost the same thing. And, what the fuck are you talking about? He needs you like fish need water. He needs you like breathing, Spence. You need each other more than you fucking realize."
"How can you fucking tell this?" Spencer's near hysterical yelling. Like, Ryan met Brendon once. Today. And he's heard about their relationship since day one via phone, but Jesus motherfucking Christ. What the hell.
"Experience, Spencer," Ryan says earnestly. "Experience."
"What if it…" Spencer starts and trails off.
"Oh, my God," Ryan says. "We're not even talking about the same thing. You love him and know it, you just think it's going to fuck him up more. You said…oh, my God, I don't pay attention."
Jon says in the background, "We are kind of stoned, Ry."
"No, but it's like," Ryan keeps going, "you're afraid that if you tell him you love him, he's going to like…leave you, or break down and cry, or like, his brain's going to explode officially. I don't know, something like that, whatever awful scenario your freaky, stupid brain cooked up."
"When," Ryan adds, "you totally know he loves you back. But you're afraid that it won't work out or something and that your worst fear - you hurting him - will actually come true. Brendon has given you as many problems as me, Spencer."
"I don't have problems," Spencer mutters grumpily.
"Yeah?" Ryan says. "Go tell him then. Wake him up, and if he freaks out, please come over here and tell me I'm so wrong and that I ruined your relationship and I'll…anyway, go tell him and if I'm not wrong, well then, you're welcome."
"That's it? I'm welcome? You don't want anything in return?"
"Nah," Ryan says. "I'm sure Jon can come up with an accurate reward for my amazing mentor skills."
"Hell yes I can," Jon calls.
Spencer hangs up grudgingly.
*
Spencer reaches his hand out to shake Brendon awake and Brendon says, "I'm not asleep," quiet and inflectionless. His voice is scarily dead.
"Oh, um," Spencer says intelligently, flicking on the lights.
Brendon sits up and cuts seriously straight to the chase, face carefully blank. "How can you think I don't need you?"
"How did you-"
"I woke up, and you weren't here," Brendon says, "so I got a little worried and came looking for you."
They stare at each other for a second before Brendon asks again, "How can you think that, Spencer?" His eyes are big and wet and confused again and it's like Spencer's worst nightmares coming true.
"Brendon-" he starts shakily, but Brendon cuts him off again.
"How is it even possible for you to be this blind, Spence? I'm supposed to be the stupid one in this relationship, not you. You're seriously the best thing that's like, ever happened to me. You're the reason I don't regret any decision I've ever made, okay? I need you; I don't know what I'd do without you, do you get it?"
"Brendon, I just," Spencer fumbles around with his words. "I want to be perfect for you and I haven't been doing a good job of that lately."
"You've only wanted to be perfect since you found out about my past," Brendon points out. "Before that we were just…"
"Easy," Spencer inserts.
"Yeah. Easy," Brendon sighs. " Now we're just…"
"In love," Spencer whispers. "And a lot stupid."
Brendon says earnestly, "Love isn't stupid, Spencer."
"I know," Spencer agrees, "and I'm glad I saved my love for you."