I wasn't asking for the world...
I ran a lot of errands and got a lot of stuff done. There’s nothing like the feeling of production. Well, let's be honest here, there are a few feelings better than that.
I need to let this out.
Thinking has been my best of habits and my worst of habits. I’m all right, as long as I don’t let my “overanalytical” tendencies take control. Nevertheless, I found myself thinking a lot today. But that's nothing new.
I’ve got a new car; I’ve got money in the bank. I’ve met many, many new people, and most of them are pretty great. I’ve got a new apartment, with some great roommates. I’m productive, I’m honest. I’ve lost weight. I’ve got a bedroom that I can call a home and not just a space to live (which is a big thing in my book). I'm happy. Damn, right, I'm happy. And I've got lots of pictures full of smiling faces to prove it.
But I’m not satisfied. I'm not content. I'm restless. And it all leads back to her. I can give a shit how it looks for me to be posting about this in a public journal for all to see. Like I've said before, I'm not playing games, and I'm not going to worry about what this looks like.
I believed that if you feel that you have something to fight for, something you truly care about, then don’t ever stop fighting for it, because you’ll really be letting yourself down.
I think about her a lot. Even after all the mean things she’s said to me, I still think about her. I still love her. That baffled me for a while. How can I care about someone who blatantly claims to hate me, someone who blatantly claims that she never loved me and was unhappy for the majority of our relationship? I asked myself often, am I a glutton for punishment and pain? Do I enjoy being hurt? I mulled over it for a while. This whole situation infinitely outweighs the whole “Kareena” fiasco. Going through all of this, I look back on all of that and smile, because I really thought that I was in love then. That I had found my “soul mate”, and that I was never going to find someone else. And then her and I got closer and things grew and became what they became two years ago, and I smiled, ‘cause I knew I was wrong about everything that had to do with Kareena.
I asked myself this question too, ‘Is she my next Kareena? Is someone else going to come around and blow me away?’ My answer? I wasn’t in love with Kareena. I don’t even think I really loved her. I was more in love with the fact of finding someone I thought I could love. Do you get my drift?
It’s one thing to love someone, and it’s an entirely different thing to be in love with someone. I was confused and naïve when I first heard that. I didn’t want to even try to understand it. But now it’s all so clear. Perhaps it’s because of everything that’s happened as of late, but it’s evident nonetheless. She may have said a lot of painful and hurtful things recently, but did I not say and do many things of the sort, some that were even worse? Yes, I did. So I really have no reason to complain, and I’m not going to.
Living with her nine months ago seems like it were years ago. A lot of times I find myself wondering who that boy was who lived with her than was. I know that I can never again be the guy I was then, and she’ll never again be the girl she was then. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Change and maturity can’t be looked down upon, because so much good can come out of it. I’m not aiming to be arrogant or pompous, but I’m so much more of a person now than I ever have been. All the partying and such that I’ve done since her and I ended didn’t turn me off to her. In the end, I realized fully what I really had with her, and I sought to embrace it, and it brought about the mindset that I’ve had for the past month and a half. There have been other girls in my life lately, some that have seemed to be promising and some that weren’t so promising, but in the end, they were nothing. It all led back to her. None of them offer anything near what she offered.
But I’m rambling now. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I don’t usually think about this whole situation that much anymore. I don’t dwell on it, but I think all of this has been brought about due to my dread of what August 5th is going to feel like. I know I’m not posting this to stir others emotions. I’ve gotten advice from so many people, all thinking they’ve got the right answers to all MY problems, but in the end, aren’t I the only one who knows what needs to be done? Aren’t I the only one in control of myself? Yup. And I’m going to leave it at that.
On another note, the coffee shop called me and asked me to play at their open mic tonight. Apparently people have been asking about me. I can try my new song out there tonight. I’m just excited that someone actually called me and asked me to play, whether it’s an open mic night or not.
Also, John finally got a date set for the recording session. August 20th at nine in the morning. The best news though? I get to record on analog tape! It costs a couple hundred bucks for one reel of analog tape nowadays, ‘cause everything is now done digitally. One reel holds about sixteen minutes of music, depending on the speed. And I get to record on analog for free. In a state of the art studio. Ahh! I’m getting more and more excited just thinking about it. I can’t wait.
Everyone should at least try to listen to the Phantoms album by Acceptance. It’s pretty great.
But I gotta go now.
See ya.
I need to let this out.
Thinking has been my best of habits and my worst of habits. I’m all right, as long as I don’t let my “overanalytical” tendencies take control. Nevertheless, I found myself thinking a lot today. But that's nothing new.
I’ve got a new car; I’ve got money in the bank. I’ve met many, many new people, and most of them are pretty great. I’ve got a new apartment, with some great roommates. I’m productive, I’m honest. I’ve lost weight. I’ve got a bedroom that I can call a home and not just a space to live (which is a big thing in my book). I'm happy. Damn, right, I'm happy. And I've got lots of pictures full of smiling faces to prove it.
But I’m not satisfied. I'm not content. I'm restless. And it all leads back to her. I can give a shit how it looks for me to be posting about this in a public journal for all to see. Like I've said before, I'm not playing games, and I'm not going to worry about what this looks like.
I believed that if you feel that you have something to fight for, something you truly care about, then don’t ever stop fighting for it, because you’ll really be letting yourself down.
I think about her a lot. Even after all the mean things she’s said to me, I still think about her. I still love her. That baffled me for a while. How can I care about someone who blatantly claims to hate me, someone who blatantly claims that she never loved me and was unhappy for the majority of our relationship? I asked myself often, am I a glutton for punishment and pain? Do I enjoy being hurt? I mulled over it for a while. This whole situation infinitely outweighs the whole “Kareena” fiasco. Going through all of this, I look back on all of that and smile, because I really thought that I was in love then. That I had found my “soul mate”, and that I was never going to find someone else. And then her and I got closer and things grew and became what they became two years ago, and I smiled, ‘cause I knew I was wrong about everything that had to do with Kareena.
I asked myself this question too, ‘Is she my next Kareena? Is someone else going to come around and blow me away?’ My answer? I wasn’t in love with Kareena. I don’t even think I really loved her. I was more in love with the fact of finding someone I thought I could love. Do you get my drift?
It’s one thing to love someone, and it’s an entirely different thing to be in love with someone. I was confused and naïve when I first heard that. I didn’t want to even try to understand it. But now it’s all so clear. Perhaps it’s because of everything that’s happened as of late, but it’s evident nonetheless. She may have said a lot of painful and hurtful things recently, but did I not say and do many things of the sort, some that were even worse? Yes, I did. So I really have no reason to complain, and I’m not going to.
Living with her nine months ago seems like it were years ago. A lot of times I find myself wondering who that boy was who lived with her than was. I know that I can never again be the guy I was then, and she’ll never again be the girl she was then. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Change and maturity can’t be looked down upon, because so much good can come out of it. I’m not aiming to be arrogant or pompous, but I’m so much more of a person now than I ever have been. All the partying and such that I’ve done since her and I ended didn’t turn me off to her. In the end, I realized fully what I really had with her, and I sought to embrace it, and it brought about the mindset that I’ve had for the past month and a half. There have been other girls in my life lately, some that have seemed to be promising and some that weren’t so promising, but in the end, they were nothing. It all led back to her. None of them offer anything near what she offered.
But I’m rambling now. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I don’t usually think about this whole situation that much anymore. I don’t dwell on it, but I think all of this has been brought about due to my dread of what August 5th is going to feel like. I know I’m not posting this to stir others emotions. I’ve gotten advice from so many people, all thinking they’ve got the right answers to all MY problems, but in the end, aren’t I the only one who knows what needs to be done? Aren’t I the only one in control of myself? Yup. And I’m going to leave it at that.
On another note, the coffee shop called me and asked me to play at their open mic tonight. Apparently people have been asking about me. I can try my new song out there tonight. I’m just excited that someone actually called me and asked me to play, whether it’s an open mic night or not.
Also, John finally got a date set for the recording session. August 20th at nine in the morning. The best news though? I get to record on analog tape! It costs a couple hundred bucks for one reel of analog tape nowadays, ‘cause everything is now done digitally. One reel holds about sixteen minutes of music, depending on the speed. And I get to record on analog for free. In a state of the art studio. Ahh! I’m getting more and more excited just thinking about it. I can’t wait.
Everyone should at least try to listen to the Phantoms album by Acceptance. It’s pretty great.
But I gotta go now.
See ya.