It Comes with the Dark
Title: It Comes with the Dark [007. Dark: Leeteuk/Sungmin]
Characters: Leeteuk, Sungmin
Genre: heavy angst
Rating: R
WARNING: self-harm, depressive thoughts, a bit of swearing
Summary: These thoughts of inadequacy came with the dark, and even in the light if you are one Lee Sungmin. Sungmin knows he isn't as good as everyone, he knows no one cares for him...but he could be wrong...
SuJu 100 Fic Challenge
2/100
~~~~~~~
He played it off well. That was the only thing he praised himself for-as for everything else, he was shit. Or so he thought.
And he thought a lot.
Sungmin knew he wasn't a favorite and he knew why. He understood why. He wasn't fantastic at one specific thing. Yes, he was good at a lot of different things, but there was always someone better.
He was good at dancing, but there was Eunhyuk. He was good at singing, but there was all of KRY. He was good at being a DJ and MC; but there was Leeteuk. He was good at being cute, but there was Henry. He was good at martial arts, but there was Hankyung. Hell, he was even good at eating, but there was Shindong. There was nothing Sungmin could be known for.
So he understood why fans always forgot about him. He even understood why his fellow band members forgot about him, too. He wasn't special; he was just there, an ever present character, but never in the spotlight.
These thoughts ate at him constantly; the only escape he ever managed was when he was focusing on practicing and bettering himself. But at night, in the dark, these thoughts plagued his mind uncontrollably. He wasn't afraid of the dark, but with the lack of anything else to occupy his mind, Sungmin would run through all of the reasons he was inferior and only brought Super Junior down.
He knew he should tell someone, let someone else know about the thoughts that ran through his mind. He knew it was dangerous to keep these thoughts of insignificance and uselessness to himself, but no one paid attention to him normally, why would they care now?
He just needed to get better at something. Just be better.
These thoughts ran through his head as he ran through their new dance for the nth time that night. It was a rare day during which he had no schedule, but he would never let that time go to waste. No, no. as soon as his last schedule ended, he grabbed a bottle of water and headed to the practice room by himself.
Usually another member, like Donghae or Eunhyuk, would go with him to practice, but not today. And Sungmin preferred it this way. By himself, he could freak out when he was a failure, he could get angry when he realized he would never get better.
This is why he found himself kneeling on the floor, cradling a hand with bloody knuckles from having just punched the wall. Maybe this was enough practicing for today.
He stepped out of the building and cursed his luck-it was raining, and he forgot an umbrella. Not wanting to call and bother any of the members, Sungmin made a run for the apartment.
Upon arrival, Sungmin cursed again-he was soaked to the bone and shivering.
He kicked off his shoes in the doorway, momentarily wondering why Leeteuk's shoes were still there; he thought the leader had a schedule, but he could have been wrong.
“Sungmin?”
Sungmin jumped at the voice calling him as he walked by the living room.
“Jungsoo? I thought you had a schedule tonight.” Sungmin responded, turning his attention to the leader sitting on the sofa wrapped in a blanket, lights from the television flicking over his face.
“I did. But I wasn't feeling well; I was sent home to rest.” Leeteuk answered, picking up a handful of popcorn from the bowl on his lap.
“'Sent home'?” Sungmin questioned the leader's words.
“Yes, 'sent.' I was planning on staying, but manager forced me to go back.” Jungsoo grumbled.
Sungmin chuckled.
There were random moments when Sungmin thought he and Leeteuk were more similar than anyone thought. Sungmin saw random moments in his leader where the elder just seemed to be stretched too far, too thin, like butter scraped over too much bread. Sungmin knew Jungsoo was stressed and tired to the point of sickness, and yet he pushed himself to the brink, until their manager had to step in and send him home to rest. Sungmin, too, would push himself too hard, push himself until...
“Is your hand bleeding? And why are you soaked? Why didn't you call someone to get you?” Jungsoo interrogated.
“Yeah, it's bleeding. I fell while running to the dorm...” Sungmin lied, trying to hide his bloody knuckles. “Everyone has schedules, I didn't want to bother anyone.”
“You shouldn't think that way, Sungmin. It's not a bother to help you out if you need it.” Jungsoo said, taking a matter-of-fact tone.
Sungmin just shrugged. “I'm going to shower.”
“Okay.” Jungsoo said, jumping slightly when a clap of thunder shook the building. “I can't believe you walked in this. You really should have called one of the members, Sungmin.”
Sungmin shrugged, again, making his way to the bathroom. “I didn't walk...I ran.”
Jungsoo sighed with the closing of the bathroom door. He would need to talk with Sungmin when he got out, and now that it was only the two of them, it would be nice bonding time.
Contrary to popular belief-Jungsoo wasn't (completely) oblivious. He could see the life draining from Sungmin's eyes a little more each day. He had watched as the younger was spoken over by other members or by television hosts during interviews. He noticed the low number of followers on Sungmin's fancafe, and he saw how Sungmin handled the neglect. He knew Sungmin was hurt; he knew Sungmin was struggling.
And he could partially blame himself for it, and it killed him. It had been announced to all of the fans that he had been the one to completely forget Sungmin was present at times, and the antis had taken that fact and run with it like it was the Olympic torch. Unfortunately, they weren't his antis-they were Sungmin's. Had they been his antis, Jungsoo would have been able to handle them, would have been able to try to ignore them and maybe better from it; however, he knew that it would just be one more thing Sungmin would tack onto his list of what made him inferior to the rest of the group. And Jungsoo saw it in Sungmin's eyes.
He may have forgotten Sungmin was present a few times here and there, but it wasn't because he was oblivious or didn't care about the other. Sungmin was just so independent and mature that he was a member Jungsoo knew he didn't have to watch like a hawk, unlike Eunhyuk and Donghae.
But Jungsoo knew even more than this. He knew something happened in the dark that Sungmin didn't want anyone else to know about. And apparently no one, not even his roommate Kyuhyun, knew. How Kyuhyun didn't know, Jungsoo would never understand, but Jungsoo had heard Sungmin. He had heard him late at night crying to himself, for himself.
Jungsoo remembered a time when Sungmin was begging Kyuhyun for a nightlight for their room, but the youngest had just laughed slightly before complaining that he could only sleep in pitch blackness. Something about the dark only made every misconception Sungmin had worse.
Tonight would be a good night to talk with Sungmin, Jungsoo thought as he listened to the shower turn off. It was just the two of them and Jungsoo would finally be able to get Sungmin to understand that no matter what the fans thought, no matter what Sungmin thought, himself, Jungsoo would never want there to be a Super Junior without the younger around, would never want there to be a world without the younger around.
Jungsoo stared at the bathroom door, waiting for Sungmin to step out so he could call him over.
Suddenly, there was a flash of lightening and a loud clap of thunder following immediately after-and the entire dorm was thrust into complete darkness.
“Shit!” Jungsoo yelled as the power died. He began to stand up, about to go on a mission to find flashlights and candles, when he heard a loud thud from the bathroom.
“Sungmin! I'm coming!”
Jungsoo ran to the bathroom door, stumbling slightly on a bag that was left in the middle of the floor. Once there, he cursed at the locked door.
“Shit, Sungmin! Open the door! I'm right here, just open the door for me, okay.” Jungsoo said, pounding against the door.
Jungsoo heard no movement from the other side of the door.
“Sungmin? Please open the door, it's just a power outage from the storm...Sungmin?”
There was some shuffling; then, a click from the lock on the door; followed by more quick shuffling.
“Sungmin?” Jungsoo said gently as he thrust the door open. He squinted his eyes, trying to find Sungmin in the dark. He could see a crumpled mass squished between the toilet and the bathtub. “Sungmin?”
Jungsoo started to walk cautiously towards the mass, still unsure if it was Sungmin or not.
“Sungmin?” Jungsoo asked as he reached out. He felt the mass twitched slightly, and it was then his eyes began to adjust. Sungmin sat with his knees pulled to just under his chin; he had his arms crossed over his knees, with his head tucked down.
“Oh, Sungmin.” Jungsoo sighed as he fell to his knees. He pulled Sungmin close to him, purposely fighting and ignoring the slight fight Sungmin put up against being pulled into a hug.
“It's okay, Sungmin.” Jungsoo said, hugging Sungmin tightly.
“I know. It...it just scared me...the power outage.” Sungmin said, trying with all of his might to hide his tears and the whimper that wanted to follow them. In the shower, he could think of nothing other than the fact that he had yet to master a part of the dance break of their next song. It had led to him crying in the shower, and he hadn't stopped still by the time he got out. The sudden power outage did scare him, that wasn't a lie, but he was still crying from the new thoughts that had flood his mind.
Jungsoo held him, rocking slightly to calm the younger. He thought about getting up to find flashlights and candles to help, but that would entail leaving Sungmin, something he wasn't quite willing to do at the moment.
Jungsoo wasn't aware of where his hands rested on Sungmin until he felt something strange and chose to investigate it further.
“What's this, Sungmin?” Jungsoo asked as he ran his thumb over rough skin on the younger's thigh. Sungmin had managed to get boxers on, but not his sweatpants.
“It's nothing.” Sungmin rushed out too quickly, as he pushed Jungsoo's hands away from his thigh.
“No, what is it?” Jungsoo said sternly, forcefully pushing Sungmin's boxers up slightly higher in order to get a better view at what was on his thigh, albeit still in the dark.
Sungmin fought against him, but stilled when he heard Jungsoo gasp, there was no fighting it now.
“What are these, Sungmin? Please don't tell me they're...No, you just fell or something right?” Jungsoo asked, tears welling in his eyes at the sight of Sungmin's thigh.
Sungmin remained silent.
“Sungmin...Sungmin, did you do this to yourself?” Jungsoo knew the answer, but he couldn't face it. He couldn't face that Sungmin-Super Junior's middle member, the strong hyung and caring dongsaeng, the responsible Sungmin that Jungsoo had appreciated-had marred himself, cut across his leg until no amount of healing would dissolve the scars.
Sungmin looked to his lap, not at his thigh, but to his crotch. He didn't like to see his leg anymore; he knew how bad it looked. He couldn't remember when he had started, or exactly what had propelled him into taking the tiny pocket knife his father had given him long ago, and running it along his leg. He just remembered the physical pain, the tangible burn that he could control-it had felt good.
Sungmin thought he had finally found something he was good at. He knew how to control the bleeding, how to stop it quickly if he heard someone coming; he knew just how much pressure to apply when he wanted to really feel it, or if he just wanted it to sting. He would sit on the toilet and watch as the blood would slowly slip from the cut and travel down his leg. Sometimes, he would move his leg as the small drop of blood traveled, controlling even the direction his blood fell.
So maybe he could give himself credit for two things-hiding his mental turmoil and controlling his bleeding...
“Why would you do this, Sungmin?” Jungsoo asked, rubbing his thumb over a vicious cut, but barely touching it; he didn't want to agitate it anymore than it already looked.
Sungmin just shrugged, still a bit lost in his thoughts.
Jungsoo closed his eyes for longer than a standard blink, feeling the first tear breach his lids. He let out a weak sob as he pulled Sungmin impossibly closer, not even caring if he was hurting the younger.
“I'm so sorry...” Jungsoo mumbled, tucking his head against Sungmin's.
Sungmin wriggled to get free, whimpering slightly at how tightly Jungsoo was holding him. However, he stilled at his leader's words.
“...What?” Sungmin asked. And when had Jungsoo started crying?
“I'm so...so so sorry...that I wasn't there for you, Sungmin. I should have been more observant...I'm so sorry, Sungmin.” Jungsoo said between sniffles.
“It's...It's not your fault, Jungsoo. It's mine... I should have hid it better. You shouldn't have to worry about this.” Sungmin mumbled.
Jungsoo pulled Sungmin away from his chest. He grabbed his cheeks forcefully, if not a bit roughly.
“What the fuck, Sungmin? Why they hell would you say something like that?” Jungsoo seethed. Sungmin trembled slightly in his hands; he had never seen the leader this angry. This was his fault, too.
“You...You're always so busy with the others and your own schedule...you don't need something else to worry about...” Sungmin muttered.
“Oh, Jesus, Sungmin...” Jungsoo whimpered as he let his head fall to rest against Sungmin chest.
“I'm sorry, Jungsoo.” Sungmin mumbled.
“Sungmin. I swear to god, if you apologize or say this is your fault one more time, I'll...I'll burn everything pink that you own.” Jungsoo whined at the weak threat, but in that moment, he realized he didn't know of anything the younger truly loved or cherished to be threatened with. “Oh, Sungmin...”
“...Jungs-”
“Be quiet and just sit here with me. Wait until the power comes back.” Jungsoo became a bit emotionless. He pulled Sungmin close to him again, tucking the younger's head against his chest and resting his own head against Sungmin's hair.
The two stayed in their positions for what Sungmin thought felt like forever, but was really only ten minutes. All of the lights flickered back on, surprising the pair at the sudden brightness.
The two squinted their eyes as they pulled apart from each other. Sungmin was going to stand up until Jungsoo's hand on his wrist made him still.
“Sit on the toilet.” Jungsoo ordered in his leader tone. Sungmin wordlessly obeyed.
Jungsoo crawled to the cabinet under the sink, searching for the first aid kit; he got to his feet once he found it.
“Roll up your boxers.” Jungsoo said, that leader tone ever present. Sungmin obeyed, again. As he revealed his thigh, he turned his head away.
“I'm so-...I'm sorry, Jungsoo.” Sungmin mumbled; even if Jungsoo had been serious about burning everything pink that he owned, he didn't care much.
“Stop saying you're sorry. This isn't your fault.” Jungsoo said, rubbing at the cuts on Sungmin's thigh with antiseptic.
“What...What is going to happen now?” Sungmin asked, eying Jungsoo.
Jungsoo looked up, surprised to see a bit of worry in the younger's eyes.
“I won't tell anyone if you don't want...” Jungsoo said.
Sungmin nodded, relief flooding his being.
“But if I do that, you are going to have to do something for me.” Jungsoo said sternly.
Sungmin stiffened, but asked what.
“I need you to tell me every single time something is bothering you. Whether it's the fans, the songs, or the choreography, I need you to tell me every time you don't feel right.”
Jungsoo's voice was so stern and so sturdy that Sungmin just stared for a moment.
“But...But you have so much to worry about and take car of...” Sungmin muttered after a moment.
“I don't care, Sungmin. You deserve to be taken care of. I take care of everyone else for Chist's sake, I should have paid more attention to you. I don't care if I've freaked out at everyone, if you are feeling off, tell me. I don't care if I am shitting and having my one moment of peace in the day, break the door down and tell me. It won't be a pretty sight, but I still want you to do it if you must.”
Jungsoo's last line made Sungmin chuckle, a genuine chuckle. Jungsoo smiled at the younger-maybe things were already changing.
“I need you to promise me that you will tell me whenever something is bothering you. If you promise to do that, then I promise not to tell the other members or managers about these.” Jungsoo said as he laid a bandaged over a cut that had reopened as he cleaned it.
“I...Did...Did you say I deserved to be taken care of?” Sungmin asked, recalling what Jungsoo had said earlier.
“Yes, of course I did. You deserve to be taken care of, Sungmin. I don't know what you think of yourself and what you are deserving of, but you are too precious of a person to not be looked out for. And I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner.”
Sungmin nodded slowly, his eyes clouding with tears. He looked to his lap, not at his crotch, but his thigh. The marks were harsh and red. The one with the bandage was new, just a day old; Sungmin had seen a message on his me2day...
Suddenly, a hand covered all of the marks on his thigh.
“I promise I will help you, Sungmin.” Jungsoo said once Sungmin's eyes met his.
Sungmin nodded, again, as he looked back to his thigh. He was fascinated at not being able to see the marks as Jungsoo's hand was blocking them from his sight. It felt...freeing?
“I promise, too.” Sungmin answered, placing his own hand on top of Jungsoo's.
end.
a/n Why do I do this to Sungmin? … And bonus points to anyone who picks up on a very tiny insignificant quote from Lord of the Rings :D
I apologize if this topic hits home or offends anyone, it wasn't my intention.
Characters: Leeteuk, Sungmin
Genre: heavy angst
Rating: R
WARNING: self-harm, depressive thoughts, a bit of swearing
Summary: These thoughts of inadequacy came with the dark, and even in the light if you are one Lee Sungmin. Sungmin knows he isn't as good as everyone, he knows no one cares for him...but he could be wrong...
SuJu 100 Fic Challenge
2/100
~~~~~~~
He played it off well. That was the only thing he praised himself for-as for everything else, he was shit. Or so he thought.
And he thought a lot.
Sungmin knew he wasn't a favorite and he knew why. He understood why. He wasn't fantastic at one specific thing. Yes, he was good at a lot of different things, but there was always someone better.
He was good at dancing, but there was Eunhyuk. He was good at singing, but there was all of KRY. He was good at being a DJ and MC; but there was Leeteuk. He was good at being cute, but there was Henry. He was good at martial arts, but there was Hankyung. Hell, he was even good at eating, but there was Shindong. There was nothing Sungmin could be known for.
So he understood why fans always forgot about him. He even understood why his fellow band members forgot about him, too. He wasn't special; he was just there, an ever present character, but never in the spotlight.
These thoughts ate at him constantly; the only escape he ever managed was when he was focusing on practicing and bettering himself. But at night, in the dark, these thoughts plagued his mind uncontrollably. He wasn't afraid of the dark, but with the lack of anything else to occupy his mind, Sungmin would run through all of the reasons he was inferior and only brought Super Junior down.
He knew he should tell someone, let someone else know about the thoughts that ran through his mind. He knew it was dangerous to keep these thoughts of insignificance and uselessness to himself, but no one paid attention to him normally, why would they care now?
He just needed to get better at something. Just be better.
These thoughts ran through his head as he ran through their new dance for the nth time that night. It was a rare day during which he had no schedule, but he would never let that time go to waste. No, no. as soon as his last schedule ended, he grabbed a bottle of water and headed to the practice room by himself.
Usually another member, like Donghae or Eunhyuk, would go with him to practice, but not today. And Sungmin preferred it this way. By himself, he could freak out when he was a failure, he could get angry when he realized he would never get better.
This is why he found himself kneeling on the floor, cradling a hand with bloody knuckles from having just punched the wall. Maybe this was enough practicing for today.
He stepped out of the building and cursed his luck-it was raining, and he forgot an umbrella. Not wanting to call and bother any of the members, Sungmin made a run for the apartment.
Upon arrival, Sungmin cursed again-he was soaked to the bone and shivering.
He kicked off his shoes in the doorway, momentarily wondering why Leeteuk's shoes were still there; he thought the leader had a schedule, but he could have been wrong.
“Sungmin?”
Sungmin jumped at the voice calling him as he walked by the living room.
“Jungsoo? I thought you had a schedule tonight.” Sungmin responded, turning his attention to the leader sitting on the sofa wrapped in a blanket, lights from the television flicking over his face.
“I did. But I wasn't feeling well; I was sent home to rest.” Leeteuk answered, picking up a handful of popcorn from the bowl on his lap.
“'Sent home'?” Sungmin questioned the leader's words.
“Yes, 'sent.' I was planning on staying, but manager forced me to go back.” Jungsoo grumbled.
Sungmin chuckled.
There were random moments when Sungmin thought he and Leeteuk were more similar than anyone thought. Sungmin saw random moments in his leader where the elder just seemed to be stretched too far, too thin, like butter scraped over too much bread. Sungmin knew Jungsoo was stressed and tired to the point of sickness, and yet he pushed himself to the brink, until their manager had to step in and send him home to rest. Sungmin, too, would push himself too hard, push himself until...
“Is your hand bleeding? And why are you soaked? Why didn't you call someone to get you?” Jungsoo interrogated.
“Yeah, it's bleeding. I fell while running to the dorm...” Sungmin lied, trying to hide his bloody knuckles. “Everyone has schedules, I didn't want to bother anyone.”
“You shouldn't think that way, Sungmin. It's not a bother to help you out if you need it.” Jungsoo said, taking a matter-of-fact tone.
Sungmin just shrugged. “I'm going to shower.”
“Okay.” Jungsoo said, jumping slightly when a clap of thunder shook the building. “I can't believe you walked in this. You really should have called one of the members, Sungmin.”
Sungmin shrugged, again, making his way to the bathroom. “I didn't walk...I ran.”
Jungsoo sighed with the closing of the bathroom door. He would need to talk with Sungmin when he got out, and now that it was only the two of them, it would be nice bonding time.
Contrary to popular belief-Jungsoo wasn't (completely) oblivious. He could see the life draining from Sungmin's eyes a little more each day. He had watched as the younger was spoken over by other members or by television hosts during interviews. He noticed the low number of followers on Sungmin's fancafe, and he saw how Sungmin handled the neglect. He knew Sungmin was hurt; he knew Sungmin was struggling.
And he could partially blame himself for it, and it killed him. It had been announced to all of the fans that he had been the one to completely forget Sungmin was present at times, and the antis had taken that fact and run with it like it was the Olympic torch. Unfortunately, they weren't his antis-they were Sungmin's. Had they been his antis, Jungsoo would have been able to handle them, would have been able to try to ignore them and maybe better from it; however, he knew that it would just be one more thing Sungmin would tack onto his list of what made him inferior to the rest of the group. And Jungsoo saw it in Sungmin's eyes.
He may have forgotten Sungmin was present a few times here and there, but it wasn't because he was oblivious or didn't care about the other. Sungmin was just so independent and mature that he was a member Jungsoo knew he didn't have to watch like a hawk, unlike Eunhyuk and Donghae.
But Jungsoo knew even more than this. He knew something happened in the dark that Sungmin didn't want anyone else to know about. And apparently no one, not even his roommate Kyuhyun, knew. How Kyuhyun didn't know, Jungsoo would never understand, but Jungsoo had heard Sungmin. He had heard him late at night crying to himself, for himself.
Jungsoo remembered a time when Sungmin was begging Kyuhyun for a nightlight for their room, but the youngest had just laughed slightly before complaining that he could only sleep in pitch blackness. Something about the dark only made every misconception Sungmin had worse.
Tonight would be a good night to talk with Sungmin, Jungsoo thought as he listened to the shower turn off. It was just the two of them and Jungsoo would finally be able to get Sungmin to understand that no matter what the fans thought, no matter what Sungmin thought, himself, Jungsoo would never want there to be a Super Junior without the younger around, would never want there to be a world without the younger around.
Jungsoo stared at the bathroom door, waiting for Sungmin to step out so he could call him over.
Suddenly, there was a flash of lightening and a loud clap of thunder following immediately after-and the entire dorm was thrust into complete darkness.
“Shit!” Jungsoo yelled as the power died. He began to stand up, about to go on a mission to find flashlights and candles, when he heard a loud thud from the bathroom.
“Sungmin! I'm coming!”
Jungsoo ran to the bathroom door, stumbling slightly on a bag that was left in the middle of the floor. Once there, he cursed at the locked door.
“Shit, Sungmin! Open the door! I'm right here, just open the door for me, okay.” Jungsoo said, pounding against the door.
Jungsoo heard no movement from the other side of the door.
“Sungmin? Please open the door, it's just a power outage from the storm...Sungmin?”
There was some shuffling; then, a click from the lock on the door; followed by more quick shuffling.
“Sungmin?” Jungsoo said gently as he thrust the door open. He squinted his eyes, trying to find Sungmin in the dark. He could see a crumpled mass squished between the toilet and the bathtub. “Sungmin?”
Jungsoo started to walk cautiously towards the mass, still unsure if it was Sungmin or not.
“Sungmin?” Jungsoo asked as he reached out. He felt the mass twitched slightly, and it was then his eyes began to adjust. Sungmin sat with his knees pulled to just under his chin; he had his arms crossed over his knees, with his head tucked down.
“Oh, Sungmin.” Jungsoo sighed as he fell to his knees. He pulled Sungmin close to him, purposely fighting and ignoring the slight fight Sungmin put up against being pulled into a hug.
“It's okay, Sungmin.” Jungsoo said, hugging Sungmin tightly.
“I know. It...it just scared me...the power outage.” Sungmin said, trying with all of his might to hide his tears and the whimper that wanted to follow them. In the shower, he could think of nothing other than the fact that he had yet to master a part of the dance break of their next song. It had led to him crying in the shower, and he hadn't stopped still by the time he got out. The sudden power outage did scare him, that wasn't a lie, but he was still crying from the new thoughts that had flood his mind.
Jungsoo held him, rocking slightly to calm the younger. He thought about getting up to find flashlights and candles to help, but that would entail leaving Sungmin, something he wasn't quite willing to do at the moment.
Jungsoo wasn't aware of where his hands rested on Sungmin until he felt something strange and chose to investigate it further.
“What's this, Sungmin?” Jungsoo asked as he ran his thumb over rough skin on the younger's thigh. Sungmin had managed to get boxers on, but not his sweatpants.
“It's nothing.” Sungmin rushed out too quickly, as he pushed Jungsoo's hands away from his thigh.
“No, what is it?” Jungsoo said sternly, forcefully pushing Sungmin's boxers up slightly higher in order to get a better view at what was on his thigh, albeit still in the dark.
Sungmin fought against him, but stilled when he heard Jungsoo gasp, there was no fighting it now.
“What are these, Sungmin? Please don't tell me they're...No, you just fell or something right?” Jungsoo asked, tears welling in his eyes at the sight of Sungmin's thigh.
Sungmin remained silent.
“Sungmin...Sungmin, did you do this to yourself?” Jungsoo knew the answer, but he couldn't face it. He couldn't face that Sungmin-Super Junior's middle member, the strong hyung and caring dongsaeng, the responsible Sungmin that Jungsoo had appreciated-had marred himself, cut across his leg until no amount of healing would dissolve the scars.
Sungmin looked to his lap, not at his thigh, but to his crotch. He didn't like to see his leg anymore; he knew how bad it looked. He couldn't remember when he had started, or exactly what had propelled him into taking the tiny pocket knife his father had given him long ago, and running it along his leg. He just remembered the physical pain, the tangible burn that he could control-it had felt good.
Sungmin thought he had finally found something he was good at. He knew how to control the bleeding, how to stop it quickly if he heard someone coming; he knew just how much pressure to apply when he wanted to really feel it, or if he just wanted it to sting. He would sit on the toilet and watch as the blood would slowly slip from the cut and travel down his leg. Sometimes, he would move his leg as the small drop of blood traveled, controlling even the direction his blood fell.
So maybe he could give himself credit for two things-hiding his mental turmoil and controlling his bleeding...
“Why would you do this, Sungmin?” Jungsoo asked, rubbing his thumb over a vicious cut, but barely touching it; he didn't want to agitate it anymore than it already looked.
Sungmin just shrugged, still a bit lost in his thoughts.
Jungsoo closed his eyes for longer than a standard blink, feeling the first tear breach his lids. He let out a weak sob as he pulled Sungmin impossibly closer, not even caring if he was hurting the younger.
“I'm so sorry...” Jungsoo mumbled, tucking his head against Sungmin's.
Sungmin wriggled to get free, whimpering slightly at how tightly Jungsoo was holding him. However, he stilled at his leader's words.
“...What?” Sungmin asked. And when had Jungsoo started crying?
“I'm so...so so sorry...that I wasn't there for you, Sungmin. I should have been more observant...I'm so sorry, Sungmin.” Jungsoo said between sniffles.
“It's...It's not your fault, Jungsoo. It's mine... I should have hid it better. You shouldn't have to worry about this.” Sungmin mumbled.
Jungsoo pulled Sungmin away from his chest. He grabbed his cheeks forcefully, if not a bit roughly.
“What the fuck, Sungmin? Why they hell would you say something like that?” Jungsoo seethed. Sungmin trembled slightly in his hands; he had never seen the leader this angry. This was his fault, too.
“You...You're always so busy with the others and your own schedule...you don't need something else to worry about...” Sungmin muttered.
“Oh, Jesus, Sungmin...” Jungsoo whimpered as he let his head fall to rest against Sungmin chest.
“I'm sorry, Jungsoo.” Sungmin mumbled.
“Sungmin. I swear to god, if you apologize or say this is your fault one more time, I'll...I'll burn everything pink that you own.” Jungsoo whined at the weak threat, but in that moment, he realized he didn't know of anything the younger truly loved or cherished to be threatened with. “Oh, Sungmin...”
“...Jungs-”
“Be quiet and just sit here with me. Wait until the power comes back.” Jungsoo became a bit emotionless. He pulled Sungmin close to him again, tucking the younger's head against his chest and resting his own head against Sungmin's hair.
The two stayed in their positions for what Sungmin thought felt like forever, but was really only ten minutes. All of the lights flickered back on, surprising the pair at the sudden brightness.
The two squinted their eyes as they pulled apart from each other. Sungmin was going to stand up until Jungsoo's hand on his wrist made him still.
“Sit on the toilet.” Jungsoo ordered in his leader tone. Sungmin wordlessly obeyed.
Jungsoo crawled to the cabinet under the sink, searching for the first aid kit; he got to his feet once he found it.
“Roll up your boxers.” Jungsoo said, that leader tone ever present. Sungmin obeyed, again. As he revealed his thigh, he turned his head away.
“I'm so-...I'm sorry, Jungsoo.” Sungmin mumbled; even if Jungsoo had been serious about burning everything pink that he owned, he didn't care much.
“Stop saying you're sorry. This isn't your fault.” Jungsoo said, rubbing at the cuts on Sungmin's thigh with antiseptic.
“What...What is going to happen now?” Sungmin asked, eying Jungsoo.
Jungsoo looked up, surprised to see a bit of worry in the younger's eyes.
“I won't tell anyone if you don't want...” Jungsoo said.
Sungmin nodded, relief flooding his being.
“But if I do that, you are going to have to do something for me.” Jungsoo said sternly.
Sungmin stiffened, but asked what.
“I need you to tell me every single time something is bothering you. Whether it's the fans, the songs, or the choreography, I need you to tell me every time you don't feel right.”
Jungsoo's voice was so stern and so sturdy that Sungmin just stared for a moment.
“But...But you have so much to worry about and take car of...” Sungmin muttered after a moment.
“I don't care, Sungmin. You deserve to be taken care of. I take care of everyone else for Chist's sake, I should have paid more attention to you. I don't care if I've freaked out at everyone, if you are feeling off, tell me. I don't care if I am shitting and having my one moment of peace in the day, break the door down and tell me. It won't be a pretty sight, but I still want you to do it if you must.”
Jungsoo's last line made Sungmin chuckle, a genuine chuckle. Jungsoo smiled at the younger-maybe things were already changing.
“I need you to promise me that you will tell me whenever something is bothering you. If you promise to do that, then I promise not to tell the other members or managers about these.” Jungsoo said as he laid a bandaged over a cut that had reopened as he cleaned it.
“I...Did...Did you say I deserved to be taken care of?” Sungmin asked, recalling what Jungsoo had said earlier.
“Yes, of course I did. You deserve to be taken care of, Sungmin. I don't know what you think of yourself and what you are deserving of, but you are too precious of a person to not be looked out for. And I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner.”
Sungmin nodded slowly, his eyes clouding with tears. He looked to his lap, not at his crotch, but his thigh. The marks were harsh and red. The one with the bandage was new, just a day old; Sungmin had seen a message on his me2day...
Suddenly, a hand covered all of the marks on his thigh.
“I promise I will help you, Sungmin.” Jungsoo said once Sungmin's eyes met his.
Sungmin nodded, again, as he looked back to his thigh. He was fascinated at not being able to see the marks as Jungsoo's hand was blocking them from his sight. It felt...freeing?
“I promise, too.” Sungmin answered, placing his own hand on top of Jungsoo's.
end.
a/n Why do I do this to Sungmin? … And bonus points to anyone who picks up on a very tiny insignificant quote from Lord of the Rings :D
I apologize if this topic hits home or offends anyone, it wasn't my intention.