(no subject)
'cause I'm bored, I'll torture your flists with lists!!!
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
8. So what's the speed of dark?
9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?
25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
35. Do fish get cramps after eating?
36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?
44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweatin' to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
Steal a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as
"Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Forward e-mails back to the person that sent it to you.
boy am I bored... oh well, hopefully this can tide my darling flist over until my return on Sunday evening...my parents are kidnapping me and taking me on the Road Trip of DOOM to Florida, of all places. I don't fucking want to go to Florida. It's way too hot and beachy, two things I hate, with the added bonus of hours of torture in the car. Only my iPod and a gross amount of books can help ease the pain, however little it may help. Try not to miss me too much!!! (in the words of a muffin)
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
8. So what's the speed of dark?
9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?
25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
35. Do fish get cramps after eating?
36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?
44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweatin' to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
Steal a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as
"Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Forward e-mails back to the person that sent it to you.
boy am I bored... oh well, hopefully this can tide my darling flist over until my return on Sunday evening...my parents are kidnapping me and taking me on the Road Trip of DOOM to Florida, of all places. I don't fucking want to go to Florida. It's way too hot and beachy, two things I hate, with the added bonus of hours of torture in the car. Only my iPod and a gross amount of books can help ease the pain, however little it may help. Try not to miss me too much!!! (in the words of a muffin)