Fic: The Philanderer and the Thief (10/11), blue cortina, dakfinv
Title: The Philanderer and the Thief (10/11)
Author: dak
Word Count: 2114 this part; approx 20,000 overall
Rating: blue cortina
Genre: buddy cop, humor, mystery
Warnings: language, mild violence
Summary: Fed up with their constant bickering, Gene sends Sam and Ray out to a remote village to stop a local crime spree. Will they solve the case before they kill each other, or will someone else get there first?
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9
The Cortina’s boot was just as large as Sam remembered it. However, that didn’t prevent Ray from putting his knee into Sam’s back every thirty seconds.
“Could you...ow!”
“Ow!” Ray hissed himself. “That stupid boot of yours stuck me in the neck!”
“Well your knee keeps hitting me in the...ow!”
“It’s not my....bugger! Move your bloody foot.”
“You move your...ow! Dammit!”
“I can’t move owt.”
“Neither can I.”
The Cortina sped over a particularly large bump.
“OW!” Both men shouted.
Sam had hit his head on the top of the boot and from Ray’s curses, he suspected Carling suffered the same.
“When we come out covered in bruises, Boss, just remember who’s brilliant idea this was,” Ray grumbled.
“If you wanted an injury-free job, Ray, maybe you should’ve become a...ow! God dammit!” Sam cursed as a sharp turn slid the sharp edge of the stolen record player into his side. “Okay. Fine. It’s my fault.”
“What?”
“I said it’s my fault.”
“Can’t hear you, Boss. Say that again?”
“It’s my fault!”
“Sorry, Tyler. Sounds like you’re saying summit’s your fault.”
Sam kicked him in the shoulder.
“Ow! What’d you do that for?”
“Sorry. Pothole.”
“Yeah. Sure. So, what’s your grand plan for when we get there? Pretend we have concussions and don’t know where we are?” Rays asked. They went over another bump, both hitting their heads again.
“OW!”
“We may not have to pretend,” Sam sighed. “We arrest them, I suppose.”
“You suppose?”
“Well, clearly I didn’t have much time to think this through.”
“Oh lovely.”
“We could always do what I did after Hunt let me out.”
“Aye? And what was that?”
“Throw a punch.”
“Not much of a plan.”
“We don’t have many options. Look, we already have PC Kenley and this Corinne red-handed. We can arrest them as soon as we’re out of the car.”
“And we couldn’t do that before we were in the car because...”
“Because there could be a larger crime ring out here than we anticipated and this will lead us right to it.”
“And if we’re outnumbered when we get there?”
“Sounds like Ray Carling’s scared of a fight.”
“I am not!”
“Good. Then stop asking questions and quiet down, so I can try and hear what’s going on.”
Ray did become silent, but not without another hard knee to Sam’s back.
“Mature.”
“You did it first.”
“Shut up. We’re slowing down.”
The Cortina, which had seemed to be traveling at a steady sixty to seventy miles per hour, had now dropped to twenty or thirty. Sam closed his eyes and listened carefully. He could just make out the mumbled voices of driver and passenger, but there were no clear, distinct words. The pitch of Corinne’s voice did keep climbing, however, and suddenly the car lurched to a stop.
Sam and Ray’s bodies collided painfully, but Sam shushed Carling immediately as he continued to listen.
The passenger’s side door was opened and slammed shut, followed by the driver’s side door opening. Corinne’s high-pitched squeals sounded from outside the car. Kenley’s voice was calmer but clearly annoyed. Footsteps walked towards the boot and Sam froze. He hoped Ray would do the same.
“...your fault...” Kenley said. “...bloody brother’s!”
“Don’t bring me brother into this!” Corinne shouted clearly. “You gave him the ruddy jacket!”
“To get rid of, not sell!” Kenley shouted back.
“Why’d you take the stupid copper anyhow? Why didn’t you leave ‘im in Manchester?”
“Cos I told you what that idiot Olly said. He were coming back with reinforcements. We’d’ve been found out for sure!”
The voices were right there now, right by the boot. One word out of Sam or Ray and they would be discovered. Sam kept completely still. Ray was doing the same.
“And what were you going to do with him, hm? Kill him? You can’t even empty the bloody rat traps without crying!”
“I would’ve thought of something.”
“Really? Sure. Sure you would have.”
“Corinne, please...”
“Daddy was right. Never should have married the likes of you.”
“Now don’t start that again.”
“Just wanted to marry into the Parker name, didn’t you?”
“Sweetheart...”
“Think you’d get a bit of the inheritance?”
“Inheritance?” Kenley laughed. “What inheritance, you dozy cow? Your mum drank it all away! What you think we’re doing this for?”
“Daddy promised...”
“He promised to look after you, long as you earnd your keep. Why he has you and Four nicking radios. Dumb bitch.”
“I am not dumb! You’re dumb! You wanted to marry me, remember?”
“Lord knows why.”
The voices quieted suddenly. As Sam listened, he realized it was because Corinne had started to cry.
“Oh, Corinne, baby. Don’t do that. I’m sorry. Come here. Come here. I’m nervous, is all. Come on. Let’s finish this, then we’ll have a good talk, alright? Alright?”
There was no verbal response from Corinne, but the footsteps returned to the front of the car. The passenger’s side door opened and the car shifted to the left as someone sat down. The door shut, then the car shifted to the right as someone sat behind the wheel. The driver’s side door closed, the engine restarted, and the car continued onward.
“Does that count as a confession?” Ray asked after they’d driven another few minutes.
“Well, I don’t have my tape recorder on me...”
“But I heard it!”
“And one’s word is always better when supported with solid, forensic evidence. Remember?”
“Is a bloody annoying record player, a stolen car, and the word of two coppers good enough for you?”
“Yeah, that should do.”
*
Ray wasn’t sure how long they had been stuck in the foul-smelling boot, but five minutes would have been too much. He thought it was something like fifteen minutes. Maybe twenty. Either way, it was enough for him to develop aching cramps in both legs and a sore neck to boot. But, there was not much to be done about it at this point. He could only hope Tyler was suffering as much as he was. He was about to say as much when the Cortina significantly slowed, then stopped. The engine shut off and Ray steeled himself for action.
Both car doors were opened, and both thieves climbed out. The footsteps went away from the car, and voices could be heard in the distance.
“Get ready,” Tyler whispered.
“What you think I’ve been doing?” Ray hissed, clenching his hands into fists.
Though they had been cramped into the small boot for far too long now, though he was sure that smell was coming from Tyler, though his body was likely covered in bruises and welts, now that the thrill of a fight was upon them, Ray could forget everything else.
Ray listened carefully. He could hear muffled voices, but not much else. No trains. No boats. No cars. Wherever they were, it was a secluded area. There would be no place for them to get help. Not that he would need any, of course.
“Tyler, what if you get shot?” He whispered.
“Sorry?”
“What if they have guns and you get shot?”
“If they have guns, what makes you think I’ll be the one that gets shot?”
“Cos I’ll be quick enough to dodge out of the way.”
“Carling, the only thing you’ve ever dodged successfully is a shower.”
“Oi! That smell ain’t coming from me.”
“Well, it’s not from me, either.”
“Could be...” Ray started, then stopped. “Never mind.”
“What?”
“Erm, Chris did sick up in here last week.”
“Oh god...”
“He said he cleaned it up.”
“We need to get out of here. Now.”
“Shh!” Ray listened carefully. “Think someone’s coming.”
With both men quiet, it was easy to hear the approaching footsteps. Ray readied himself again. He could feel Tyler tensing, doing the same. The footsteps stopped in front of the boot.
“...in the back,” Kenley seemed to say.
“That all?” A gruffer voice asked.
“More in the boot!” Corinne squealed.
“Stay out of this, girl,” the gruff voice said. “This ain’t worth selling. Maybe the car. But damn easy to trace, that.”
“We have more, sir. More in the boot,” Kenley was anxious to please.
“Better, boy. You better.”
Ray heard the key slide into the lock. The key was turned. The latch clicked. The door was released. It began to rise. As though they had practiced it, Ray and Tyler leapt from the boot, throwing a punch each, at the same time.
The seventy-odd year old Roger Parker collapsed to the ground. PC Kenley and Corinne Kenley stood in shock.
“You’re nicked,” both Ray and Sam panted, then grabbed their aching backs.
“Ow, cramp, cramp,” Tyler hissed.
“Your cramps? My neck!” Ray snarled trying to work out some very stiff knots.
“Daddy!” Corinne recovered first and ran to her father.
“Get off me,” he growled, and shoved her away, though he appeared unable to stand on his own. Kenley launched himself at the detectives, but they knocked him down with another synchronised blow.
“Peter!” Corinne called and ran to her husband.
“Get off me,” he muttered, pushing her away as his nose began to bleed.
“How dare you arrest me!” Roger Parker the Third, shouted as he writhed on the ground, reaching for his cane. “I’m an old man!” His fingers grasped the wooden cane and he began smacking Tyler in the legs. “Have some respect for your elders!”
“Ow! Ow!” Tyler shouted, trying to move out of the way. “Give me that.” He tried to grab hold of the cane but kept getting smacked in the hands.
“You can’t arrest us!” Corinne started shrieking. “You’ve no proof! No proof at all!”
“Right. Cos a stolen car full of stolen goods ain’t enough evidence.”
“Not a court in the world would convict me!” She declared. “Don’t matter what I’ve done.”
“We’ll see about that, sweetheart.”
“Stop. Hitting. Me!” Sam was shouting at the old man, still attempting to grab the cane.
Ray watched in amusement until a roar sounded from behind. Kenley had gotten to his feet and was launching himself at Ray. Ray dodged him easily, grabbed Kenley by the arm, and threw him against the Cortina. Kenley continued to fight him, and Ray had to hold him against the car.
“Tyler! Got any cuffs?” He called over his shoulder.
“No. You?”
“Course not. Why I asked, you twonk.”
With Ray holding Kenley in place and Sam still battling with the old man, Corinne decided to leg it.
“Tyler! She’s making a run for it.”
“I know!” He answered, and started after her, but Parker hooked the handle of the cane around Sam’s leg and yanked the DI to the ground. Now on the same level as Parker, the old man hit him even more violently with the stick.
“What you get! Messing with things that don’t involve you, lad!”
Sam was doing his best to shield himself from the assault and Ray continued to keep the struggling Kenley in his grip. Meanwhile, Corinne continued to run.
“Tyler!”
“I...know!...Stop...hitting...me!”
Unable to secure either of their suspects, Ray watched as Corinne ran up a nearby hill. She was stopped, however, when a flock of sheep appeared at the top of the hill and began running towards her. Corinne shrieked and ran back towards the men, desperate to outrun the flock.
Ray watched as at the top of the hill appeared Sheepton’s sole panda. The car was driven down the side of the hill, herding the flock forward. It maneuvered to the right, steering the stampede safely away from the group, and came to a sudden stop parallel to the Cortina, trapping Corinne and the others in between the two cars.
PC Dunlap emerged from the driver’s side, his baton held high in the air.
“Stop! In the, erm, name of the law!”
“Constable! Do you have any handcuffs on you?” Sam asked in between blows.
“Aye, sir,” replied the PC. He removed a pair from his belt, and immediately handcuffed Corinne and put her in the back of the police car. “Stephie’ll be so happy about this,” he smiled. “She’s never like Corinne.”
Sam had finally managed to grab the cane and toss it away, and was now hoisting the old, but agile, Roger Parker to his feet.
“Have anymore?” Tyler asked.
“Oh, erm, ‘fraid not. That were me only pair. Sorry.”
“So what’re we supposed to do with these two?” Ray asked as he pressed Kenley’s face into the window. A wayward sheep walked over to examine the seen, baying curiously. Sam’s eyes went from the sheep to the still open boot. He looked back at Ray with a grin.
“Well, there is plenty of room.”
Ray grinned back.
Author: dak
Word Count: 2114 this part; approx 20,000 overall
Rating: blue cortina
Genre: buddy cop, humor, mystery
Warnings: language, mild violence
Summary: Fed up with their constant bickering, Gene sends Sam and Ray out to a remote village to stop a local crime spree. Will they solve the case before they kill each other, or will someone else get there first?
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9
The Cortina’s boot was just as large as Sam remembered it. However, that didn’t prevent Ray from putting his knee into Sam’s back every thirty seconds.
“Could you...ow!”
“Ow!” Ray hissed himself. “That stupid boot of yours stuck me in the neck!”
“Well your knee keeps hitting me in the...ow!”
“It’s not my....bugger! Move your bloody foot.”
“You move your...ow! Dammit!”
“I can’t move owt.”
“Neither can I.”
The Cortina sped over a particularly large bump.
“OW!” Both men shouted.
Sam had hit his head on the top of the boot and from Ray’s curses, he suspected Carling suffered the same.
“When we come out covered in bruises, Boss, just remember who’s brilliant idea this was,” Ray grumbled.
“If you wanted an injury-free job, Ray, maybe you should’ve become a...ow! God dammit!” Sam cursed as a sharp turn slid the sharp edge of the stolen record player into his side. “Okay. Fine. It’s my fault.”
“What?”
“I said it’s my fault.”
“Can’t hear you, Boss. Say that again?”
“It’s my fault!”
“Sorry, Tyler. Sounds like you’re saying summit’s your fault.”
Sam kicked him in the shoulder.
“Ow! What’d you do that for?”
“Sorry. Pothole.”
“Yeah. Sure. So, what’s your grand plan for when we get there? Pretend we have concussions and don’t know where we are?” Rays asked. They went over another bump, both hitting their heads again.
“OW!”
“We may not have to pretend,” Sam sighed. “We arrest them, I suppose.”
“You suppose?”
“Well, clearly I didn’t have much time to think this through.”
“Oh lovely.”
“We could always do what I did after Hunt let me out.”
“Aye? And what was that?”
“Throw a punch.”
“Not much of a plan.”
“We don’t have many options. Look, we already have PC Kenley and this Corinne red-handed. We can arrest them as soon as we’re out of the car.”
“And we couldn’t do that before we were in the car because...”
“Because there could be a larger crime ring out here than we anticipated and this will lead us right to it.”
“And if we’re outnumbered when we get there?”
“Sounds like Ray Carling’s scared of a fight.”
“I am not!”
“Good. Then stop asking questions and quiet down, so I can try and hear what’s going on.”
Ray did become silent, but not without another hard knee to Sam’s back.
“Mature.”
“You did it first.”
“Shut up. We’re slowing down.”
The Cortina, which had seemed to be traveling at a steady sixty to seventy miles per hour, had now dropped to twenty or thirty. Sam closed his eyes and listened carefully. He could just make out the mumbled voices of driver and passenger, but there were no clear, distinct words. The pitch of Corinne’s voice did keep climbing, however, and suddenly the car lurched to a stop.
Sam and Ray’s bodies collided painfully, but Sam shushed Carling immediately as he continued to listen.
The passenger’s side door was opened and slammed shut, followed by the driver’s side door opening. Corinne’s high-pitched squeals sounded from outside the car. Kenley’s voice was calmer but clearly annoyed. Footsteps walked towards the boot and Sam froze. He hoped Ray would do the same.
“...your fault...” Kenley said. “...bloody brother’s!”
“Don’t bring me brother into this!” Corinne shouted clearly. “You gave him the ruddy jacket!”
“To get rid of, not sell!” Kenley shouted back.
“Why’d you take the stupid copper anyhow? Why didn’t you leave ‘im in Manchester?”
“Cos I told you what that idiot Olly said. He were coming back with reinforcements. We’d’ve been found out for sure!”
The voices were right there now, right by the boot. One word out of Sam or Ray and they would be discovered. Sam kept completely still. Ray was doing the same.
“And what were you going to do with him, hm? Kill him? You can’t even empty the bloody rat traps without crying!”
“I would’ve thought of something.”
“Really? Sure. Sure you would have.”
“Corinne, please...”
“Daddy was right. Never should have married the likes of you.”
“Now don’t start that again.”
“Just wanted to marry into the Parker name, didn’t you?”
“Sweetheart...”
“Think you’d get a bit of the inheritance?”
“Inheritance?” Kenley laughed. “What inheritance, you dozy cow? Your mum drank it all away! What you think we’re doing this for?”
“Daddy promised...”
“He promised to look after you, long as you earnd your keep. Why he has you and Four nicking radios. Dumb bitch.”
“I am not dumb! You’re dumb! You wanted to marry me, remember?”
“Lord knows why.”
The voices quieted suddenly. As Sam listened, he realized it was because Corinne had started to cry.
“Oh, Corinne, baby. Don’t do that. I’m sorry. Come here. Come here. I’m nervous, is all. Come on. Let’s finish this, then we’ll have a good talk, alright? Alright?”
There was no verbal response from Corinne, but the footsteps returned to the front of the car. The passenger’s side door opened and the car shifted to the left as someone sat down. The door shut, then the car shifted to the right as someone sat behind the wheel. The driver’s side door closed, the engine restarted, and the car continued onward.
“Does that count as a confession?” Ray asked after they’d driven another few minutes.
“Well, I don’t have my tape recorder on me...”
“But I heard it!”
“And one’s word is always better when supported with solid, forensic evidence. Remember?”
“Is a bloody annoying record player, a stolen car, and the word of two coppers good enough for you?”
“Yeah, that should do.”
*
Ray wasn’t sure how long they had been stuck in the foul-smelling boot, but five minutes would have been too much. He thought it was something like fifteen minutes. Maybe twenty. Either way, it was enough for him to develop aching cramps in both legs and a sore neck to boot. But, there was not much to be done about it at this point. He could only hope Tyler was suffering as much as he was. He was about to say as much when the Cortina significantly slowed, then stopped. The engine shut off and Ray steeled himself for action.
Both car doors were opened, and both thieves climbed out. The footsteps went away from the car, and voices could be heard in the distance.
“Get ready,” Tyler whispered.
“What you think I’ve been doing?” Ray hissed, clenching his hands into fists.
Though they had been cramped into the small boot for far too long now, though he was sure that smell was coming from Tyler, though his body was likely covered in bruises and welts, now that the thrill of a fight was upon them, Ray could forget everything else.
Ray listened carefully. He could hear muffled voices, but not much else. No trains. No boats. No cars. Wherever they were, it was a secluded area. There would be no place for them to get help. Not that he would need any, of course.
“Tyler, what if you get shot?” He whispered.
“Sorry?”
“What if they have guns and you get shot?”
“If they have guns, what makes you think I’ll be the one that gets shot?”
“Cos I’ll be quick enough to dodge out of the way.”
“Carling, the only thing you’ve ever dodged successfully is a shower.”
“Oi! That smell ain’t coming from me.”
“Well, it’s not from me, either.”
“Could be...” Ray started, then stopped. “Never mind.”
“What?”
“Erm, Chris did sick up in here last week.”
“Oh god...”
“He said he cleaned it up.”
“We need to get out of here. Now.”
“Shh!” Ray listened carefully. “Think someone’s coming.”
With both men quiet, it was easy to hear the approaching footsteps. Ray readied himself again. He could feel Tyler tensing, doing the same. The footsteps stopped in front of the boot.
“...in the back,” Kenley seemed to say.
“That all?” A gruffer voice asked.
“More in the boot!” Corinne squealed.
“Stay out of this, girl,” the gruff voice said. “This ain’t worth selling. Maybe the car. But damn easy to trace, that.”
“We have more, sir. More in the boot,” Kenley was anxious to please.
“Better, boy. You better.”
Ray heard the key slide into the lock. The key was turned. The latch clicked. The door was released. It began to rise. As though they had practiced it, Ray and Tyler leapt from the boot, throwing a punch each, at the same time.
The seventy-odd year old Roger Parker collapsed to the ground. PC Kenley and Corinne Kenley stood in shock.
“You’re nicked,” both Ray and Sam panted, then grabbed their aching backs.
“Ow, cramp, cramp,” Tyler hissed.
“Your cramps? My neck!” Ray snarled trying to work out some very stiff knots.
“Daddy!” Corinne recovered first and ran to her father.
“Get off me,” he growled, and shoved her away, though he appeared unable to stand on his own. Kenley launched himself at the detectives, but they knocked him down with another synchronised blow.
“Peter!” Corinne called and ran to her husband.
“Get off me,” he muttered, pushing her away as his nose began to bleed.
“How dare you arrest me!” Roger Parker the Third, shouted as he writhed on the ground, reaching for his cane. “I’m an old man!” His fingers grasped the wooden cane and he began smacking Tyler in the legs. “Have some respect for your elders!”
“Ow! Ow!” Tyler shouted, trying to move out of the way. “Give me that.” He tried to grab hold of the cane but kept getting smacked in the hands.
“You can’t arrest us!” Corinne started shrieking. “You’ve no proof! No proof at all!”
“Right. Cos a stolen car full of stolen goods ain’t enough evidence.”
“Not a court in the world would convict me!” She declared. “Don’t matter what I’ve done.”
“We’ll see about that, sweetheart.”
“Stop. Hitting. Me!” Sam was shouting at the old man, still attempting to grab the cane.
Ray watched in amusement until a roar sounded from behind. Kenley had gotten to his feet and was launching himself at Ray. Ray dodged him easily, grabbed Kenley by the arm, and threw him against the Cortina. Kenley continued to fight him, and Ray had to hold him against the car.
“Tyler! Got any cuffs?” He called over his shoulder.
“No. You?”
“Course not. Why I asked, you twonk.”
With Ray holding Kenley in place and Sam still battling with the old man, Corinne decided to leg it.
“Tyler! She’s making a run for it.”
“I know!” He answered, and started after her, but Parker hooked the handle of the cane around Sam’s leg and yanked the DI to the ground. Now on the same level as Parker, the old man hit him even more violently with the stick.
“What you get! Messing with things that don’t involve you, lad!”
Sam was doing his best to shield himself from the assault and Ray continued to keep the struggling Kenley in his grip. Meanwhile, Corinne continued to run.
“Tyler!”
“I...know!...Stop...hitting...me!”
Unable to secure either of their suspects, Ray watched as Corinne ran up a nearby hill. She was stopped, however, when a flock of sheep appeared at the top of the hill and began running towards her. Corinne shrieked and ran back towards the men, desperate to outrun the flock.
Ray watched as at the top of the hill appeared Sheepton’s sole panda. The car was driven down the side of the hill, herding the flock forward. It maneuvered to the right, steering the stampede safely away from the group, and came to a sudden stop parallel to the Cortina, trapping Corinne and the others in between the two cars.
PC Dunlap emerged from the driver’s side, his baton held high in the air.
“Stop! In the, erm, name of the law!”
“Constable! Do you have any handcuffs on you?” Sam asked in between blows.
“Aye, sir,” replied the PC. He removed a pair from his belt, and immediately handcuffed Corinne and put her in the back of the police car. “Stephie’ll be so happy about this,” he smiled. “She’s never like Corinne.”
Sam had finally managed to grab the cane and toss it away, and was now hoisting the old, but agile, Roger Parker to his feet.
“Have anymore?” Tyler asked.
“Oh, erm, ‘fraid not. That were me only pair. Sorry.”
“So what’re we supposed to do with these two?” Ray asked as he pressed Kenley’s face into the window. A wayward sheep walked over to examine the seen, baying curiously. Sam’s eyes went from the sheep to the still open boot. He looked back at Ray with a grin.
“Well, there is plenty of room.”
Ray grinned back.