Chasing Morpheus
Title: Chasing Morpheus
Pairing: Fanxing
Rating: PG
Warnings: lots of easily irritated, sleep-deprived Yifan
Length: ~4.5k
Summary: College!AU Yifan has unlearnt how to sleep without Yixing by his side.
A/N: Written for kissfanxing. I had so much fun writing this that I am afraid I strayed a little from the prompt, and the ending is a bit rushed. I hope you'll like it nonetheless!
Chasing Morpheus
It's the middle of the night, and Yifan knows he should be sleeping. He has an important exam in the morning, and technically he has studied so much that he was about to faceplant into his textbook just ten minutes ago, but now that he's lying in his bed he feels wide awake, his heart racing as if he's just returned from running a marathon, and his brain not seeming intent on slowing down either. Any outsider would look at him and say it is nerves, that it's the upcoming test that's looming over him and making sleep evade him no matter how long he tosses and turns, how hard he tries to close his eyes and will Morpheus to take him into the land of dreams. It's an impossible feat, and Yifan already knew it would end up being like this when he woke up in the morning to Yixing's texts displayed on his phone’s screen, telling him that the younger had arrived in Changsha safely and would write again as soon as he got back from the hospital.
Yixing's grandmother fell from a ladder the day before, and even though it seemed as if she had not have injured herself badly, she had been admitted to the hospital for safety's sake. Upon hearing the news, Yixing, as was to be expected, had booked the first plane he could get. Yifan understood, of course he did; he wouldn't have acted any different in the same situation. But it doesn't change the miserable situation he is in right now, with the bed seeming like it's taunting him with its sheer size, cold and emptiness. It's not even a big bed, it's only queen-sized and with him being taller than average, it's technically already a little cramped just by himself.
And yet his fingers ache to reach for something that's not there, wanting to feel a heartbeat that's not his. He longs to take a whiff of that wonderfully calming vanilla scent that his own shampoo doesn't produce, and to hear the slow and even breathing that usually breaks through the silence of the darkness that's filling Yifan's dorm room.
He doesn't even know when it started, when Yixing turned into his sleeping pill, the anchor to keep Yifan in the realm of dream for hours until his alarm rang, harshly dragging him out of comfortable slumber. It wasn't as if Yifan always had had a problem with falling asleep. When he was a child, his mother had always had difficulties getting him up for school in the morning, and where other children complained about their bed time, Yifan went willingly in nine out of ten cases.
But then Yixing happened.
The first time they ever shared a bed, Yixing was homesick and stressed without wanting to admit to it, and he tried to compensate both by working himself to the bone. Yifan, being unable to watch his roommate-rapidly-turning-best-friend overwork himself, took the only measure he could think of: He forced Yixing sleep by physically dragging him into bed and holding him there, his arms tightly wrapped around the smaller body.
It could have been awkward, despite them being such good friends, but Yixing quickly succumbed to the warmth and familiarity that Yifan provided. Technically, Yifan wasn't any more familiar to Yixing than any other person in their university. He wasn't from Changsha, had only been to the Hunan province for a few days at most while traveling with his mother, and he and Yixing hadn't known each other before they had been put into the same room by the dorm administration. But a lot of secrets shared while sitting on one of their beds together, a bottle of vending machine green tea in each of their hands, had made them bond faster than Yifan would have expected. And so Yixing only struggled a little to get up from the bed again when Yifan held him there, before giving up and instead snuggling closer to the elder, his homesickness making him crave the comfort of another warm body even without him admitting it.
The second time was as clichéd as it could be, with the heater in their room breaking on a Saturday in winter, at night, when their janitor wasn't available to come and fix it up immediately. Yifan had laid in bed for about an hour, shivering and unable to fall asleep in the cold, silently cursing everything and everyone because heated curses might help in keeping him warm. They didn't, and even with his arms would tightly around himself, his not exactly thick blanket and his own body heat could only do so much. Yixing had been out with friends that night, most likely drinking and clubbing a little, like Yifan would also have done if he didn't have an essay to turn in by Monday.
When Yixing returned to the room, he was tipsy. Not drunk, but also definitely not in his completely sober state of mind. The first things he did upon entering was curse, which was something that made Yifan perk up from the uncomfortable state of not-quite-awake-but-not-really-dozing-either he had been vegetating in ever since he decided to give sleep a try.
"Heater's broken," he murmured when Yixing hit the buttons of the remote control with decidedly more force than was usually necessary. "No clue why, but it won't heat up."
Yixing turned towards the direction of his voice, trying to make out the shape of him huddled into bed with the low light of the moon being the only source of illumination. It was only one of the seemingly endless points that made Yifan value about having the younger as a roommate, because when Yixing went out while Yifan stayed at home, he would always make sure to be pretty much invisible once he returned in order to not interrupt the other's sleep. It meant that Yixing never turned the light on, and he always prepared all the things he would need to get ready for bed in advance, putting them onto his bed so he wouldn't need to rustle through his cupboard in search.
"Damn," Yixing commented, and with his eyes already adjusted to the darkness, Yifan could see the younger cast a forlorn glance towards the white rectangle affixed to the wall. Yifan hummed in agreement, because really, what else was there to say? They made some casual conversation, Yifan inquiring after Yixing's night and the younger asking about Yifan's essay’s progress.
With both of them being exhausted, the small talk didn't last long however, and Yifan had almost managed to shiver himself into some resemblance of sleep when Yixing returned from the bathroom. Cracking an eye open again, Yifan saw Yixing make his way to his own bed, the way he always did, and the elder was just about to mumble his usual goodnight wishes when Yixing stilled suddenly. He stood in the middle of the room for a split second, then he seemed to make a quick decision and headed towards Yifan's bed instead.
"Scoot over," he said, the demand sounding surprisingly gentle despite the resolution laced into the younger's voice.
Yifan, tired and slightly stunned by the not-quite-request, immediately moved closer to the wall to make space for the smaller male, who didn't hesitate before slipping under Yifan's blanket as well.
"This is what you do when it's cold, right?" Yixing said, not really a question but rather a seeking of confirmation from Yifan that he was only taking the logical course of action here. And Yifan couldn't even disagree, another body close to his sounded like heaven right then, so he just nodded dumbfounded and when Yixing snuggled closer, he willingly wrapped his arms around the younger.
Perhaps that's when it really started growing into a regular thing, as if it happening twice meant that it had turned into something normal, something that was allowed to happen whenever one of them would seek the presence of another body while sleeping. And somehow that's exactly what happened.
It grew into a routine that when Yixing would come home drained from dancing practice, he'd fall into Yifan's bed all bonelessly, counting on the elder to keep him from making an unpleasant acquaintance with the floor during the night, and Yifan would end nights that he spent at his computer, grunting in frustration over his homework, by snuggling into Yixing's bed and whining about how unfair his professors were being to him while the younger only laughed at him a little.
That's what leads to Yifan's current problem, that one way or another he got so used to Yixing's comforting presence at night, that without him he feels bereft, so to speak, unable to find enough peace to fall asleep.
When the sun rises, Yifan is almost grateful that the endless seeming night is finally over, while at the same time feeling like he's about to cry because if he adds up all the time he slept that night be might end up with a good hour, if he’s lucky. He almost wants to laugh when he looks into the mirror and sees the dark circles under his eyes stare back at him. Truth be told, he does laugh a little, bitterly, slightly in disbelief. One night away from Yixing, a tiny voice in his brain pipes up and Yifan realizes for the first time just how dependent of the younger he's grown.
A few handfuls of cold water, a thin layer of make-up and a bit of hair wax later he looks almost presentable, if it weren't for the slightly crazed look in his eyes that originates from sleep-deprivation. Yifan, with his ever strong love for sleep, isn't used to getting less than perhaps five hours of rest a night, usually even something closer to seven hours, but when he enters the classroom for his exam, everyone just attributes his state to a normal case of pre-exam jitters. Yifan doesn't correct anyone's assumption, but he also doesn't need to because with the scowl he's wearing, no one dares to approach him either way.
"Your boyfriend still gone?" Jongdae asks when he sinks down into the seat next to Yifan during lunch the next day, the tablet with his food clinking against the table top.
Yifan turns to throw him a glare from the corner of his eye, but he doesn't acknowledge the statement besides letting his head drop forward to rest atop his folded arms. He's really, really tired and he hopes that perhaps Jongdae's presence besides him is enough of a makeshift solution to grant him a few minutes of sleep at least.
The curious thing is that even though Yifan has given up on correcting his friends, especially Jongdae, by now, it isn't the truth when they call Yixing his boyfriend. Yixing's not his boyfriend, in fact. They are roommates, and best friends, and they sleep in the same bed together every night, but they aren't in a relationship. None of their friends believe them when they say that, especially after that one night where they were out drinking, when Yifan accidentally slipped the thing about him and Yixing always sharing a bed. But despite their friend’s unwillingness to believe it, it's the truth. He and Yixing might sleep cuddled up together, and they spend more time with each other than with anyone else, but their relationship never progressed past the lines of platonic interactions. At least that's what Yifan tells himself.
"Fanfan?" the younger asks, seemingly unable to read Yifan's intentions of trying to nap and for the nth time Yifan wishes that Yixing was there instead, because the other wouldn't try to disrupt Yifan's sleep by poking his shoulder. (Which is not true, Yixing would do the exact same thing in Jongdae's position but Yifan wants to delude himself into thinking that that's not the case, and that Yixing would simply be better company in any given situation.)
"Do you know when your boyfie will be back?" Jongdae prods on, and Yifan rises from his slumped over position to escape the other's insistent fingers.
"I don't know, Yixing said he'd most likely be back in a few days, once his grandmother is discharged, but he didn't give an exact date," Yifan sighs, before narrowing his eyes at the cat-eyed Korean. "And please don't ever use the word 'boyfie' again, that is a horrible contraction and should never leave anyone’s lips."
Jongdae pouts at him and tells him that he's a busy person and doesn't have time to say "boyfriend" all the time when he could also shorten the word down to one syllable. Yifan just groans because neither is he awake enough nor does he feel mentally equipped to have a discussion with the younger right then, so he just drops back down onto the table in defeat.
"Dear god, perhaps I should write Yixing that he better hurry because his boyfie is having heavy separation issues," Jongdae suggests, and despite the teasing nature of his words he does seem slightly concerned, especially when he softly touches his hand to Yifan's shoulder blade.
"'m fine," Yifan mumbles, the words slightly muffled by the fabric of his shirt's sleeves. He could certainly have sounded more believable, but Jongdae still doesn't call him out on it. Instead he just keeps on rubbing soothingly along Yifan’s back while shoving his lunch into his mouth with his unoccupied hand. Perhaps Jongdae isn’t such a bad friend after all, Yifan decides.
-~-
Yixing ends up being gone until the weekend. Four whole days. That's how long sleep pretty much evades Yifan and he feels like his patience is stretched so thin that the weight of a feather will be enough to make it snap. His friends know to handle him with care, and to not comment on the way he's given up on concealing the dark circles under his eyes or making his hair look less like a bird's nest. Tao has taken to always placing some sort of treat on his tablet when they meet in the cafeteria for breakfast, a bag of cookies, a piece of chocolate, or a cup of pudding, almost like some sort of sacrifice in hope of mollifying Yifan. It's a cute gesture, and Yifan appreciates it, but it barely manages to keep his mood up until he has to leave for his first class of the day.
He would think that at one point his exhaustion would be enough to make him simply pass out once night time hits, but to his utter astonishment, that doesn't happen. He might not lie awake the whole night, but he lies awake for hours and hours and then, when he falls asleep, it's a very restless kind of sleep that almost leaves him more exhausted when he wakes up.
It's not that sleeping is the only time he misses Yixing. He also misses him when he comes home from classes in the evening and no one is sitting at Yixing's desk, asking him how his day was and offering to go down to the nearest convenience store to grab some snack because they both deserve that after working so hard. He asks Yixing for a selfie with his grandmother on the third day with the excuse of wanting to see how the elderly lady is doing when in reality he just wants to see that dimple again that he's been going without seeing for a few days now.
The further the week progresses, the more Yifan has to agree with his friends that he seems lovesick more than anything else (he wouldn't ever admit to that loudly however). It has him contemplate Yixing's role in his life for the first time, and he comes up with the conclusion that there might be feelings he hasn't properly looked at so far.
Yifan knows he's reached a state where he's a source of worry for his friends when Luhan approaches him on Thursday afternoon and offers that if Yifan's problem is that there's no other body in his bed, Luhan would be willing to sleep in his bed tonight. Back when Yifan had still actively been trying to deny his friend's claims of him and Yixing being a thing, he had used exactly that excuse, that their frequent sleeping in one bed together only happens because having another living being close to him calms him down so much that he can fall asleep much easier like that. So Luhan's offer makes sense, and even though Yifan is always wary of Luhan's little-devil-mode (which is especially scary when he’s paired with Yixing, sadly), he knows why he appreciates the elder as a friend so much. And yet, even though logically it should help him with his problem of falling asleep, Yifan declines the offer with thanks.
Luhan asks him whether he is sure, that it wouldn't be awkward for Luhan or anything, but when Yifan reiterates that he will be fine by himself-which he evidently is not-the elder casts him a knowing glance. Yifan understands exactly what that glance is telling him, and especially when he's lying in bed that night, wondering why he didn't take Luhan up on the offer even on the slight chance that he might find some rest, he agrees with the unspoken sentiment that his claims that Yixing is just a replaceable warm body might not be true after all. Because even though he tosses and turns, and chases sleep with questionable success, he doesn't think Luhan's presence would have helped. It's Yixing he's missing. It’s Yixing he’s unable to sleep without.
Adding to that is the startling realization that he also wouldn't want Yixing to seek someone else's presence in bed. Cuddling up at night for sleep is their thing, and Yifan doesn't want someone else to come in between that. It makes him wonder whether Yixing thinks the same way.
On Friday morning, Yifan gets the text that Yixing will be back the next day, and he feels like crying in relief. His heart constricts in this painful way of anticipation, the pleasant kind of thrill that has you feel as if every second stretches an eternity because you can't wait. The a-child-the-day-before-Christmas kind.
All his friends know that Yixing is returning tomorrow without even needing to ask, they only need to take one look at how Yifan's mood seems to have been lifted miraculously despite his sleeping pattern not having improved in the least. And despite the lingering headache and the constant heaviness of his limbs, Yifan can't even bring himself to quip back at their teasing, simply too relieved that Yixing will finally be back.
Yifan knows that the younger arrives at the airport early on Saturday, taking an early morning flight in order to waste as little of the day with traveling as possible. Originally, the elder had planned to pick Yixing up at the airport, not wanting to have to wait for their reunion any longer than necessary but Yixing told him he didn't have to, that it was too early and that the airport was too far out of the city. He also refused to tell Yifan on which flight he would be so that the other wouldn't be tempted to come pick him up despite Yixing’s refusal.
There are only so many early morning routes from Changsha to Beijing however, and Yifan could easily just have gone to the airport in time for the first plane to arrive, waiting there for Yixing if the other should be on a later flight. But Yifan would have been disregarding Yixing's wishes if he went, and he knows that the younger might get mad at him for that. And Yixing getting mad is the last thing he wants.
So he stays in his dorm room, obediently, finishing as much of his homework as he can so he will be free for the weekend-or trying to at least, because with him running on an average of roughly two hours of sleep per night, his concentration isn't exactly at its best.
He has barely gotten past the first page in his textbook-he's like 99% sure he's read the page three times already and yet he still hasn't understood even half of what's written there-when the door to his room opens.
Never before in his life has Yifan jumped up from his desk this quickly, and when he spins around, he finally, finally sees Yixing, dragging his small suitcase into the room after him and closing the door before facing the taller properly. There is a happy grin on his face, but it falters slightly when the younger takes in the disheveled state of Yifan's hair, the slightly sickish colour of his skin and the circles underlining his eyes.
"You look like shit," is the first thing Yixing says, without any greeting, a hint of concern mixed into his deadpan voice, but Yifan doesn't care. He’s too elated to have the sound of Yixing's voice in his ears again, and when the other lets go of his luggage to take a step towards Yifan, the elder doesn't hesitate a second before rushing forward and wraps Yixing in a hug. His arms squeeze tightly around the other's back, gripping at his shirt while he nuzzles his head into Yixing's shoulder, his whole body folding around Yixing as if he means to envelope the younger entirely.
It's a downright drunken affection he displays, fostered by his sleep-deprived state, when he tries to get even closer to Yixing, whispering, "I missed you." to the other-not even adding the "too" to the end that would have turned the sentence into a sarcastic response to Yixing calling him out on his not exactly splendid appearance at the moment. His tiredness makes Yifan grow honest, unable to think about the things he says or does twice. The younger chuckles softly in response, hands immediately coming up to grab the back of Yifan's shirt. "I missed you too," Yixing says as he pulls Yifan even closer.
They stand like this for a while, just basking in each other's presence and Yifan relaxes for what feels like the first time in forever. It makes him feel drowsy again, and he wonders whether it would be justified to immediately drag Yixing into bed with him for a nap.
Yixing pulls away first, tilting his head back in order to look up at Yifan. With gentle fingertips he traces the dark skin under Yifan's eyes, his own brows set in concern. "You really don't look good."
Yifan lets his eyelids drop in reverence and leans into the touch, exhaling a small sigh that sounds content more than it sounds complaining; as if he's finally able to let go of the tension that's been plaguing him for the last few days. "I haven't been sleeping well," he admits, and when he opens his eyes again, there is an expression on Yixing's face that he can't quite decipher.
There is an unvoiced confession in the statement, that Yixing’s missing presence robbed Yifan of his sleep, and Yifan thinks he reads a similar sentiment in the other’s eyes from the way Yixing is looking back at him. They hold each other’s gazes, in silence, and Yifan feels something pass between them, something new. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say, and Yifan wonders if in their case it just made them realize their fondness in the first place.
"Can I do something crazy?" the younger eventually asks in a whisper, and Yifan nods without breaking eye-contact. He's half expecting it, and yet his breathing falters when Yixing leans up to gently press his lips to Yifan's. It's a short kiss, simple, more like a gradeschooler's first kiss and not like the kisses college students would usually share.
But it's softness fits them, fits Yixing's slight uncertainty whether he's been misinterpreting signs and Yifan's wish to just have the comfort of Yixing's presence again; he doesn’t need passion, he just needs a beacon of peace for his stressed out mind.
"Was that...," Yixing trails off while studying Yifan's expression, suddenly full of doubt when Yifan doesn’t react at first.
"It was exactly what I needed," Yifan replies, and as if to affirm his statement he leans back down to capture Yixing's lips in another kiss, still soft but with more substance to it. Yixing is more than happy to indulge him.
“I really, really missed you,” he whispers against Yixing’s lips, just to because he feels he needs to emphasize it again, “More than I expected.”
“Me too,” Yixing replies, “I didn’t expect to feel like this. Being gone for just five days was torture.”
In the end Yifan barely gives Yixing the time to strip out of his jacket before dragging him to bed. As soon as his back collides with the mattress, Yixing moves to cover him like a blanket, lying half on top of him with his leg tangled with the elder's and his arms thrown across the taller’s chest.
They continue to exchange kisses, lazy ones, because as much as Yifan enjoys having Yixing back, now that his sleeping pill is with him again Yifan has to fight very hard to stay awake.
"I couldn't sleep without you," he says, after their kisses have slowed to a halt and Yixing has shifted to rest his head on Yifan's chest.
"I know," Yixing replies, drawing soothing musters into Yifan's chest that the elder can't decipher. "Luhan told me."
"He offered to share a bed with me," Yifan recounts, his words already slurred with sleepiness. "But I didn't want just anyone besides me."
He feels Yixing's hold around him tighten. "I know how you feel. My bed felt so big and empty without you."
The confession sounds like it's made for the concealing veil of the night, not the brightness of midday, but Yifan doesn't care. It still makes his chest swell with happiness to hear that Yixing faced the same troubles.
Yifan wonders whether they should talk about the meaning of this, of them adding kisses to their normal sleeping-in-one-bed routine, but he's way too sleepy for such conversations now right, he decides. He’s not even sure whether he’ll remember everything that happened in the last few minutes, his mind hazy with sleepiness.
Despite having looked as if he was much better rested than Yifan, Yixing is the one to fall asleep first, giving Yifan the chance to press a small kiss to the crown of his head. He holds the younger a bit closer and, to the sound of Yixing's slow breathing, he drifts off to sleep.
Finally.
Pairing: Fanxing
Rating: PG
Warnings: lots of easily irritated, sleep-deprived Yifan
Length: ~4.5k
Summary: College!AU Yifan has unlearnt how to sleep without Yixing by his side.
A/N: Written for kissfanxing. I had so much fun writing this that I am afraid I strayed a little from the prompt, and the ending is a bit rushed. I hope you'll like it nonetheless!
Chasing Morpheus
It's the middle of the night, and Yifan knows he should be sleeping. He has an important exam in the morning, and technically he has studied so much that he was about to faceplant into his textbook just ten minutes ago, but now that he's lying in his bed he feels wide awake, his heart racing as if he's just returned from running a marathon, and his brain not seeming intent on slowing down either. Any outsider would look at him and say it is nerves, that it's the upcoming test that's looming over him and making sleep evade him no matter how long he tosses and turns, how hard he tries to close his eyes and will Morpheus to take him into the land of dreams. It's an impossible feat, and Yifan already knew it would end up being like this when he woke up in the morning to Yixing's texts displayed on his phone’s screen, telling him that the younger had arrived in Changsha safely and would write again as soon as he got back from the hospital.
Yixing's grandmother fell from a ladder the day before, and even though it seemed as if she had not have injured herself badly, she had been admitted to the hospital for safety's sake. Upon hearing the news, Yixing, as was to be expected, had booked the first plane he could get. Yifan understood, of course he did; he wouldn't have acted any different in the same situation. But it doesn't change the miserable situation he is in right now, with the bed seeming like it's taunting him with its sheer size, cold and emptiness. It's not even a big bed, it's only queen-sized and with him being taller than average, it's technically already a little cramped just by himself.
And yet his fingers ache to reach for something that's not there, wanting to feel a heartbeat that's not his. He longs to take a whiff of that wonderfully calming vanilla scent that his own shampoo doesn't produce, and to hear the slow and even breathing that usually breaks through the silence of the darkness that's filling Yifan's dorm room.
He doesn't even know when it started, when Yixing turned into his sleeping pill, the anchor to keep Yifan in the realm of dream for hours until his alarm rang, harshly dragging him out of comfortable slumber. It wasn't as if Yifan always had had a problem with falling asleep. When he was a child, his mother had always had difficulties getting him up for school in the morning, and where other children complained about their bed time, Yifan went willingly in nine out of ten cases.
But then Yixing happened.
The first time they ever shared a bed, Yixing was homesick and stressed without wanting to admit to it, and he tried to compensate both by working himself to the bone. Yifan, being unable to watch his roommate-rapidly-turning-best-friend overwork himself, took the only measure he could think of: He forced Yixing sleep by physically dragging him into bed and holding him there, his arms tightly wrapped around the smaller body.
It could have been awkward, despite them being such good friends, but Yixing quickly succumbed to the warmth and familiarity that Yifan provided. Technically, Yifan wasn't any more familiar to Yixing than any other person in their university. He wasn't from Changsha, had only been to the Hunan province for a few days at most while traveling with his mother, and he and Yixing hadn't known each other before they had been put into the same room by the dorm administration. But a lot of secrets shared while sitting on one of their beds together, a bottle of vending machine green tea in each of their hands, had made them bond faster than Yifan would have expected. And so Yixing only struggled a little to get up from the bed again when Yifan held him there, before giving up and instead snuggling closer to the elder, his homesickness making him crave the comfort of another warm body even without him admitting it.
The second time was as clichéd as it could be, with the heater in their room breaking on a Saturday in winter, at night, when their janitor wasn't available to come and fix it up immediately. Yifan had laid in bed for about an hour, shivering and unable to fall asleep in the cold, silently cursing everything and everyone because heated curses might help in keeping him warm. They didn't, and even with his arms would tightly around himself, his not exactly thick blanket and his own body heat could only do so much. Yixing had been out with friends that night, most likely drinking and clubbing a little, like Yifan would also have done if he didn't have an essay to turn in by Monday.
When Yixing returned to the room, he was tipsy. Not drunk, but also definitely not in his completely sober state of mind. The first things he did upon entering was curse, which was something that made Yifan perk up from the uncomfortable state of not-quite-awake-but-not-really-dozing-either he had been vegetating in ever since he decided to give sleep a try.
"Heater's broken," he murmured when Yixing hit the buttons of the remote control with decidedly more force than was usually necessary. "No clue why, but it won't heat up."
Yixing turned towards the direction of his voice, trying to make out the shape of him huddled into bed with the low light of the moon being the only source of illumination. It was only one of the seemingly endless points that made Yifan value about having the younger as a roommate, because when Yixing went out while Yifan stayed at home, he would always make sure to be pretty much invisible once he returned in order to not interrupt the other's sleep. It meant that Yixing never turned the light on, and he always prepared all the things he would need to get ready for bed in advance, putting them onto his bed so he wouldn't need to rustle through his cupboard in search.
"Damn," Yixing commented, and with his eyes already adjusted to the darkness, Yifan could see the younger cast a forlorn glance towards the white rectangle affixed to the wall. Yifan hummed in agreement, because really, what else was there to say? They made some casual conversation, Yifan inquiring after Yixing's night and the younger asking about Yifan's essay’s progress.
With both of them being exhausted, the small talk didn't last long however, and Yifan had almost managed to shiver himself into some resemblance of sleep when Yixing returned from the bathroom. Cracking an eye open again, Yifan saw Yixing make his way to his own bed, the way he always did, and the elder was just about to mumble his usual goodnight wishes when Yixing stilled suddenly. He stood in the middle of the room for a split second, then he seemed to make a quick decision and headed towards Yifan's bed instead.
"Scoot over," he said, the demand sounding surprisingly gentle despite the resolution laced into the younger's voice.
Yifan, tired and slightly stunned by the not-quite-request, immediately moved closer to the wall to make space for the smaller male, who didn't hesitate before slipping under Yifan's blanket as well.
"This is what you do when it's cold, right?" Yixing said, not really a question but rather a seeking of confirmation from Yifan that he was only taking the logical course of action here. And Yifan couldn't even disagree, another body close to his sounded like heaven right then, so he just nodded dumbfounded and when Yixing snuggled closer, he willingly wrapped his arms around the younger.
Perhaps that's when it really started growing into a regular thing, as if it happening twice meant that it had turned into something normal, something that was allowed to happen whenever one of them would seek the presence of another body while sleeping. And somehow that's exactly what happened.
It grew into a routine that when Yixing would come home drained from dancing practice, he'd fall into Yifan's bed all bonelessly, counting on the elder to keep him from making an unpleasant acquaintance with the floor during the night, and Yifan would end nights that he spent at his computer, grunting in frustration over his homework, by snuggling into Yixing's bed and whining about how unfair his professors were being to him while the younger only laughed at him a little.
That's what leads to Yifan's current problem, that one way or another he got so used to Yixing's comforting presence at night, that without him he feels bereft, so to speak, unable to find enough peace to fall asleep.
When the sun rises, Yifan is almost grateful that the endless seeming night is finally over, while at the same time feeling like he's about to cry because if he adds up all the time he slept that night be might end up with a good hour, if he’s lucky. He almost wants to laugh when he looks into the mirror and sees the dark circles under his eyes stare back at him. Truth be told, he does laugh a little, bitterly, slightly in disbelief. One night away from Yixing, a tiny voice in his brain pipes up and Yifan realizes for the first time just how dependent of the younger he's grown.
A few handfuls of cold water, a thin layer of make-up and a bit of hair wax later he looks almost presentable, if it weren't for the slightly crazed look in his eyes that originates from sleep-deprivation. Yifan, with his ever strong love for sleep, isn't used to getting less than perhaps five hours of rest a night, usually even something closer to seven hours, but when he enters the classroom for his exam, everyone just attributes his state to a normal case of pre-exam jitters. Yifan doesn't correct anyone's assumption, but he also doesn't need to because with the scowl he's wearing, no one dares to approach him either way.
"Your boyfriend still gone?" Jongdae asks when he sinks down into the seat next to Yifan during lunch the next day, the tablet with his food clinking against the table top.
Yifan turns to throw him a glare from the corner of his eye, but he doesn't acknowledge the statement besides letting his head drop forward to rest atop his folded arms. He's really, really tired and he hopes that perhaps Jongdae's presence besides him is enough of a makeshift solution to grant him a few minutes of sleep at least.
The curious thing is that even though Yifan has given up on correcting his friends, especially Jongdae, by now, it isn't the truth when they call Yixing his boyfriend. Yixing's not his boyfriend, in fact. They are roommates, and best friends, and they sleep in the same bed together every night, but they aren't in a relationship. None of their friends believe them when they say that, especially after that one night where they were out drinking, when Yifan accidentally slipped the thing about him and Yixing always sharing a bed. But despite their friend’s unwillingness to believe it, it's the truth. He and Yixing might sleep cuddled up together, and they spend more time with each other than with anyone else, but their relationship never progressed past the lines of platonic interactions. At least that's what Yifan tells himself.
"Fanfan?" the younger asks, seemingly unable to read Yifan's intentions of trying to nap and for the nth time Yifan wishes that Yixing was there instead, because the other wouldn't try to disrupt Yifan's sleep by poking his shoulder. (Which is not true, Yixing would do the exact same thing in Jongdae's position but Yifan wants to delude himself into thinking that that's not the case, and that Yixing would simply be better company in any given situation.)
"Do you know when your boyfie will be back?" Jongdae prods on, and Yifan rises from his slumped over position to escape the other's insistent fingers.
"I don't know, Yixing said he'd most likely be back in a few days, once his grandmother is discharged, but he didn't give an exact date," Yifan sighs, before narrowing his eyes at the cat-eyed Korean. "And please don't ever use the word 'boyfie' again, that is a horrible contraction and should never leave anyone’s lips."
Jongdae pouts at him and tells him that he's a busy person and doesn't have time to say "boyfriend" all the time when he could also shorten the word down to one syllable. Yifan just groans because neither is he awake enough nor does he feel mentally equipped to have a discussion with the younger right then, so he just drops back down onto the table in defeat.
"Dear god, perhaps I should write Yixing that he better hurry because his boyfie is having heavy separation issues," Jongdae suggests, and despite the teasing nature of his words he does seem slightly concerned, especially when he softly touches his hand to Yifan's shoulder blade.
"'m fine," Yifan mumbles, the words slightly muffled by the fabric of his shirt's sleeves. He could certainly have sounded more believable, but Jongdae still doesn't call him out on it. Instead he just keeps on rubbing soothingly along Yifan’s back while shoving his lunch into his mouth with his unoccupied hand. Perhaps Jongdae isn’t such a bad friend after all, Yifan decides.
-~-
Yixing ends up being gone until the weekend. Four whole days. That's how long sleep pretty much evades Yifan and he feels like his patience is stretched so thin that the weight of a feather will be enough to make it snap. His friends know to handle him with care, and to not comment on the way he's given up on concealing the dark circles under his eyes or making his hair look less like a bird's nest. Tao has taken to always placing some sort of treat on his tablet when they meet in the cafeteria for breakfast, a bag of cookies, a piece of chocolate, or a cup of pudding, almost like some sort of sacrifice in hope of mollifying Yifan. It's a cute gesture, and Yifan appreciates it, but it barely manages to keep his mood up until he has to leave for his first class of the day.
He would think that at one point his exhaustion would be enough to make him simply pass out once night time hits, but to his utter astonishment, that doesn't happen. He might not lie awake the whole night, but he lies awake for hours and hours and then, when he falls asleep, it's a very restless kind of sleep that almost leaves him more exhausted when he wakes up.
It's not that sleeping is the only time he misses Yixing. He also misses him when he comes home from classes in the evening and no one is sitting at Yixing's desk, asking him how his day was and offering to go down to the nearest convenience store to grab some snack because they both deserve that after working so hard. He asks Yixing for a selfie with his grandmother on the third day with the excuse of wanting to see how the elderly lady is doing when in reality he just wants to see that dimple again that he's been going without seeing for a few days now.
The further the week progresses, the more Yifan has to agree with his friends that he seems lovesick more than anything else (he wouldn't ever admit to that loudly however). It has him contemplate Yixing's role in his life for the first time, and he comes up with the conclusion that there might be feelings he hasn't properly looked at so far.
Yifan knows he's reached a state where he's a source of worry for his friends when Luhan approaches him on Thursday afternoon and offers that if Yifan's problem is that there's no other body in his bed, Luhan would be willing to sleep in his bed tonight. Back when Yifan had still actively been trying to deny his friend's claims of him and Yixing being a thing, he had used exactly that excuse, that their frequent sleeping in one bed together only happens because having another living being close to him calms him down so much that he can fall asleep much easier like that. So Luhan's offer makes sense, and even though Yifan is always wary of Luhan's little-devil-mode (which is especially scary when he’s paired with Yixing, sadly), he knows why he appreciates the elder as a friend so much. And yet, even though logically it should help him with his problem of falling asleep, Yifan declines the offer with thanks.
Luhan asks him whether he is sure, that it wouldn't be awkward for Luhan or anything, but when Yifan reiterates that he will be fine by himself-which he evidently is not-the elder casts him a knowing glance. Yifan understands exactly what that glance is telling him, and especially when he's lying in bed that night, wondering why he didn't take Luhan up on the offer even on the slight chance that he might find some rest, he agrees with the unspoken sentiment that his claims that Yixing is just a replaceable warm body might not be true after all. Because even though he tosses and turns, and chases sleep with questionable success, he doesn't think Luhan's presence would have helped. It's Yixing he's missing. It’s Yixing he’s unable to sleep without.
Adding to that is the startling realization that he also wouldn't want Yixing to seek someone else's presence in bed. Cuddling up at night for sleep is their thing, and Yifan doesn't want someone else to come in between that. It makes him wonder whether Yixing thinks the same way.
On Friday morning, Yifan gets the text that Yixing will be back the next day, and he feels like crying in relief. His heart constricts in this painful way of anticipation, the pleasant kind of thrill that has you feel as if every second stretches an eternity because you can't wait. The a-child-the-day-before-Christmas kind.
All his friends know that Yixing is returning tomorrow without even needing to ask, they only need to take one look at how Yifan's mood seems to have been lifted miraculously despite his sleeping pattern not having improved in the least. And despite the lingering headache and the constant heaviness of his limbs, Yifan can't even bring himself to quip back at their teasing, simply too relieved that Yixing will finally be back.
Yifan knows that the younger arrives at the airport early on Saturday, taking an early morning flight in order to waste as little of the day with traveling as possible. Originally, the elder had planned to pick Yixing up at the airport, not wanting to have to wait for their reunion any longer than necessary but Yixing told him he didn't have to, that it was too early and that the airport was too far out of the city. He also refused to tell Yifan on which flight he would be so that the other wouldn't be tempted to come pick him up despite Yixing’s refusal.
There are only so many early morning routes from Changsha to Beijing however, and Yifan could easily just have gone to the airport in time for the first plane to arrive, waiting there for Yixing if the other should be on a later flight. But Yifan would have been disregarding Yixing's wishes if he went, and he knows that the younger might get mad at him for that. And Yixing getting mad is the last thing he wants.
So he stays in his dorm room, obediently, finishing as much of his homework as he can so he will be free for the weekend-or trying to at least, because with him running on an average of roughly two hours of sleep per night, his concentration isn't exactly at its best.
He has barely gotten past the first page in his textbook-he's like 99% sure he's read the page three times already and yet he still hasn't understood even half of what's written there-when the door to his room opens.
Never before in his life has Yifan jumped up from his desk this quickly, and when he spins around, he finally, finally sees Yixing, dragging his small suitcase into the room after him and closing the door before facing the taller properly. There is a happy grin on his face, but it falters slightly when the younger takes in the disheveled state of Yifan's hair, the slightly sickish colour of his skin and the circles underlining his eyes.
"You look like shit," is the first thing Yixing says, without any greeting, a hint of concern mixed into his deadpan voice, but Yifan doesn't care. He’s too elated to have the sound of Yixing's voice in his ears again, and when the other lets go of his luggage to take a step towards Yifan, the elder doesn't hesitate a second before rushing forward and wraps Yixing in a hug. His arms squeeze tightly around the other's back, gripping at his shirt while he nuzzles his head into Yixing's shoulder, his whole body folding around Yixing as if he means to envelope the younger entirely.
It's a downright drunken affection he displays, fostered by his sleep-deprived state, when he tries to get even closer to Yixing, whispering, "I missed you." to the other-not even adding the "too" to the end that would have turned the sentence into a sarcastic response to Yixing calling him out on his not exactly splendid appearance at the moment. His tiredness makes Yifan grow honest, unable to think about the things he says or does twice. The younger chuckles softly in response, hands immediately coming up to grab the back of Yifan's shirt. "I missed you too," Yixing says as he pulls Yifan even closer.
They stand like this for a while, just basking in each other's presence and Yifan relaxes for what feels like the first time in forever. It makes him feel drowsy again, and he wonders whether it would be justified to immediately drag Yixing into bed with him for a nap.
Yixing pulls away first, tilting his head back in order to look up at Yifan. With gentle fingertips he traces the dark skin under Yifan's eyes, his own brows set in concern. "You really don't look good."
Yifan lets his eyelids drop in reverence and leans into the touch, exhaling a small sigh that sounds content more than it sounds complaining; as if he's finally able to let go of the tension that's been plaguing him for the last few days. "I haven't been sleeping well," he admits, and when he opens his eyes again, there is an expression on Yixing's face that he can't quite decipher.
There is an unvoiced confession in the statement, that Yixing’s missing presence robbed Yifan of his sleep, and Yifan thinks he reads a similar sentiment in the other’s eyes from the way Yixing is looking back at him. They hold each other’s gazes, in silence, and Yifan feels something pass between them, something new. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say, and Yifan wonders if in their case it just made them realize their fondness in the first place.
"Can I do something crazy?" the younger eventually asks in a whisper, and Yifan nods without breaking eye-contact. He's half expecting it, and yet his breathing falters when Yixing leans up to gently press his lips to Yifan's. It's a short kiss, simple, more like a gradeschooler's first kiss and not like the kisses college students would usually share.
But it's softness fits them, fits Yixing's slight uncertainty whether he's been misinterpreting signs and Yifan's wish to just have the comfort of Yixing's presence again; he doesn’t need passion, he just needs a beacon of peace for his stressed out mind.
"Was that...," Yixing trails off while studying Yifan's expression, suddenly full of doubt when Yifan doesn’t react at first.
"It was exactly what I needed," Yifan replies, and as if to affirm his statement he leans back down to capture Yixing's lips in another kiss, still soft but with more substance to it. Yixing is more than happy to indulge him.
“I really, really missed you,” he whispers against Yixing’s lips, just to because he feels he needs to emphasize it again, “More than I expected.”
“Me too,” Yixing replies, “I didn’t expect to feel like this. Being gone for just five days was torture.”
In the end Yifan barely gives Yixing the time to strip out of his jacket before dragging him to bed. As soon as his back collides with the mattress, Yixing moves to cover him like a blanket, lying half on top of him with his leg tangled with the elder's and his arms thrown across the taller’s chest.
They continue to exchange kisses, lazy ones, because as much as Yifan enjoys having Yixing back, now that his sleeping pill is with him again Yifan has to fight very hard to stay awake.
"I couldn't sleep without you," he says, after their kisses have slowed to a halt and Yixing has shifted to rest his head on Yifan's chest.
"I know," Yixing replies, drawing soothing musters into Yifan's chest that the elder can't decipher. "Luhan told me."
"He offered to share a bed with me," Yifan recounts, his words already slurred with sleepiness. "But I didn't want just anyone besides me."
He feels Yixing's hold around him tighten. "I know how you feel. My bed felt so big and empty without you."
The confession sounds like it's made for the concealing veil of the night, not the brightness of midday, but Yifan doesn't care. It still makes his chest swell with happiness to hear that Yixing faced the same troubles.
Yifan wonders whether they should talk about the meaning of this, of them adding kisses to their normal sleeping-in-one-bed routine, but he's way too sleepy for such conversations now right, he decides. He’s not even sure whether he’ll remember everything that happened in the last few minutes, his mind hazy with sleepiness.
Despite having looked as if he was much better rested than Yifan, Yixing is the one to fall asleep first, giving Yifan the chance to press a small kiss to the crown of his head. He holds the younger a bit closer and, to the sound of Yixing's slow breathing, he drifts off to sleep.
Finally.