Home (My Heart Is With You) (I/IV)
Title: Home (My Heart Is With You)
Pairing: Fanxing
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Use of Sex Toys, rimming
Length: 37k
Summary: The thread that weaves through Yixing's life is not red, but a washed out Cornflower blue, tying him to the silver-haired catboy that his parents bring home when Yixing is eight years old.
A/N: Written for fanxing_ohboy. A big fat thank you goes to Lo and Grace, as always. Thank you Grace for literally saving this fic, without you I wouldn't have made it, and thank you Lo for betaing it on such short notice. Also a big fat non-thank you goes to Rani for cursing this fic. There you have your catboy!Yifan. I hope you're happy. I want a compensation.
Home (My Heart Is With You)
The first time Yixing sees Yifan, the catboy is half a head smaller than him; his silver, furry ears flattened against his head in a visible display of an emotion that could range from slight insecurity to downright discomfort. His tail, sporting the same bright colour, is curled around his thigh. Never before in his life have Yixing’s protective instincts kick in faster, than as his mother gives Yifan a gentle push in order to make him move through the doorway. Yixing swears his heart skips a beat when the small catboy stumbles a little as his feet catch on the door sill; not out of real fear that the other boy will hurt himself-he doesn't stumble strongly enough for that-but rather because the sight is so utterly adorable.
They do not really plan on keeping or adopting Yifan at first. He's one of the strays that Yixing's father takes care of as a volunteer after his office job and during the weekends. Yifan is by far the youngest of all the hybrids they provide shelter for. Since he refuses to speak, they can't really be sure why he wound up sitting next to the bus stop close to Yixing's father's workplace one morning, his slim body basically drowning in the gigantic sweater he had pulled on, which sadly didn't do much to ward off the nasty drizzle that painted the autumn day grey. When the young boy was still seated in the same spot when Yixing's father returned from work, it wasn't all that difficult for him to put one and one together, especially with the shape of Yifan's tail being visible in the back of his sweater as he shifted the appendage around.
When Yixing's father gives him the rice ball he bought at the Konbini right across the street, the boy looks up with sparkling eyes, the hint of wariness in them immediately disappearing when he sees the coaxing smile Yixing's father is sporting. The snack is gone within seconds, devoured in four big bites, speaking of obvious hunger.
They provide Yifan a bed at the shelter for four nights, but since the little hybrid shows no signs of either talking or socializing with the other strays, they decide that perhaps it would be better to give the young boy a foster family where he can experience some personal care. Since Yixing's father is the only one with a child around the catboy's age, it's only natural to entrust Yifan into his care.
It's all meant to be temporary. They plan to give Yifan a chance to recover from whatever he had experienced, so that he could return to the shelter in a state that would make him eligible for being adopted into a nice and caring family.
Yixing, an only child who always wanted siblings, takes to his new role as Yifan's playmate and protector like a fish to water. It wouldn't even have taken his mother or father telling him that he should take good care of the hybrid boy, just their first meeting and one look into these big, Celadon coloured eyes is enough to have Yixing, naive, small, eight-year-old Yixing, swear lifelong protection and care. Yifan is shy at first, overwhelmed by the exuberant energy of the other child, but it's the same kind of energy that quickly envelopes and pulls him in. He remains withdrawn, his face looking rather scary even for a young boy, with his strong eyebrows pulled into a perpetual frown. Only when he looks at Yixing does his gaze soften, his ears perking up and his tail swishing in excitement whenever he catches a hint of Yixing's voice.
They never set a limit on Yifan's stay, the only goal being to make him recover, no matter whether that takes weeks or months. Yet Yixing catches his parents having a hushed conversation in the living room one night two months after they took Yifan in, thinking that both children are already asleep. Yifan still hasn't said a single word, and Yixing's parents worry that he's not making any progress, that just living with their family is not enough to help him. Yixing, on his way back from the toilet, catches exactly the part where they talk about whether it wouldn't be better to give Yifan into the hands of a professional, someone who actually has experience with dealing with young strays. Both jump a little in shock when suddenly the door is thrown open and Yixing bursts in, tears brimming in his eyes and his hands balled in fists.
“You can't give Yifan away,” he says in an accusing tone, his fingers trembling as small tears start to spill from his eyes. He's eight years old and losing Yifan seems like the end of the world to him, like he failed the one task he has in life, which is to care for the catboy. His parents immediately rush to his side, trying to comfort him and tell him that this is for Yifan's best, and that they don't want to lose their new family member either but sometimes hard choices have to be made. Yixing doesn't listen, moves away from their comforting touches as he sobs uncontrollably. He doesn't listen to any of the placating words of his parents, too caught up in his crying fit. There are tears glistening in his mother's eyes as well at the sight, but all she can do is cast helpless gazes at her husband.
Neither of them notice the new presence in the room until Yifan steps onto the third floor board that always squeaks, and they all see the catboy standing next to the door, wearing his wide pajamas that always make him look even smaller, his hair still mussed from sleep. His eyes are wide and fixed on the crying figure of Yixing, whose eyes are red and slightly swollen. For a moment Yixing's sobbing stops, leaving only the sound of sniffling behind, as he and Yifan face each other.
The catboy stills in shock for a moment, before his expression changes into one displaying distress. He moves forward with unsure steps to where Yixing is standing, looking at him with worry etched into his features. All this time he's only seen Yixing smiling and being happy, or displaying the annoyance a child feels when it’s forced by its parents to do household chores or homework when it would rather play. Yifan doesn't know Yixing being sad, and the way his ears fold against his head speak of his uncertainty of how to deal with the situation. For a heartbeat they just look at each other, then Yifan fists his hands into the seam of his shirt, and opens his mouth.
Everything in the room seems to go silent when Yifan whispers “Yixing.” the name spoken in a voice that carries worry and the wish to comfort and a sense of helplessness, almost pleading as if he wants Yixing to tell him how to make him feel better again. His voice is scratchy from disuse, and small, but everyone present catches the word.
Yixing's mother gasps silently in the background, as does his father, but Yixing doesn't care for that. He's staring at Yifan with wide eyes, unable to believe that the first thing he ever heard the catboy say is his name, and then his face contorts as he starts bawling even stronger than before, moving forwards to latch himself onto Yifan's neck. He chants the catboy's name while clinging to him, as well as he can get the sound out between his hiccups. Yifan looks utterly lost at suddenly having the human boy clinging to him. “Yixing,” he repeats, this time calling for his attention, “Yixing,” and he continues whispering the name while his hands let go of his own shirt to curl his fingers into Yixing's shirt in turn. When calling for Yixing doesn't seem to have the desired effect, Yifan instead tiptoes a little and starts darting his tongue over Yixing's cheeks, lapping at the tear tracks there. Since the sounds of the younger's crying don't stop, Yifan continues cleaning the younger's face. It takes him a few moments to realize that Yixing's sobs have changed. There are laughs mixed into them, the slightly rough texture of the catboy's tongue tickling him and the gesture making his heart overflow with fondness at the other's cuteness. So he half-laughs, half-sobs, and holds Yifan as close as he can. If his parents want to take the catboy away from him, they should just try to pry him from his hands.
It takes almost half an hour to calm the eight-year-old down again, and even after his parents have assured him that there is no reason for him to worry, that they won't give Yifan away, Yixing still keeps on clinging to the smaller, and Yifan reciprocates by holding tight onto Yixing's shirt. Even after they've been put to sleep they don't let go.
The next morning Yixing's father goes to fetch the adoption papers for Yifan from the shelter.
-o-
Moving out for college was a rush, the dorms of his university so helplessly high in demand that Yixing gave up trying to score a room there after two introduction events he attended with roughly 300 other freshmen, who all wanted to get one of the roughly 200 beds available. So instead he ventured to look for flats for rent, hoping to find one that was still relatively close to his campus. It was pure luck, being at the right place at the right time-or rather accidentally getting off at the wrong stop on his way to his tutoring and only realizing it after he had already walked for five minutes. There it had been, the sign telling new freshman of Yixing's university that there was an unoccupied flat in the building, and Yixing had missed the first hour of tutoring in favour of discussing with the landlord about possible rent conditions.
The two-room apartment is not exactly a new building, in the winter it's difficult to get it warm and in summer it's the exact opposite problem. But, it is affordable with the money Yixing makes with his side job as a waiter and the monthly allowance his parents can pay him, and it takes him a mere thirty minutes to the university in the morning if he goes on his bike, twenty if he takes the train.
The original plan had been for Yixing to live by himself there, but after only two weeks of being apart, both Yixing and Yifan displayed severe signs of withdrawal. So strongly so, that Yixing's parents decided that it probably was for the best if Yifan were to follow after their son, instead of staying in the house he had grown up in. Between the decision and the actual move, two mere days passed in which Yifan packed a suitcase and Yixing bought another pillow and blanket, having agreed within the same heartbeat that his parents had told him about the suggestion.
Yifan's and Yixing's reunion ended with their parents crying when they had to leave because not only had they lost one, but both of their sons, and even though the two of them were only living a good forty minutes away, it was still enough for Yixing's parents to make it seem like they had moved to a whole different country. Yixing's reminder that it was their idea in the first place to have Yifan move in with him as well, had earned him a good-natured slap against his shoulder and the reminder that he shouldn't be sassy but rather comfort his mother like the good son he was supposed to be.
Living alone had already been weird in the beginning, and living together with Yifan required a bit of an adaptation period, but they both quickly realized that it wasn't all that difficult. Whenever Yixing was home he would provide Yifan with all the attention and cuddles he could, and when he was away for classes, Yifan would dabble in household chores, figuring out how to work the washing machine or finding websites for the food delivery services in their neighbourhood.
The cleaning of the flat and the actual cooking were left to Yixing, but they made it work quite well between the two of them. It didn't take Yixing long to realize that rather than things just working out with the two of them living together, this was what he needed.
There are two types of people, gardeners and flowers. The flowers need someone to take care of them, to water them and make sure they have enough sunlight to bloom, and the gardeners are responsible for providing exactly that care. Both are mutually dependant on each other, as the flower withers without its gardener, while the gardener has no purpose without a flower to look after, feeling like they are being useless.
Yixing, without question, is the gardener type, needing someone to nourish and cherish and Yifan is his flower.
-o-
“Yifan, I'm back!” Yixing calls into the flat, struggling with undoing the shoelaces of his left shoe, but he doesn't get an answer back. He's at home for the first time in a week, only just returned from his university excursion. His mother stayed with Yifan while Yixing was perched together with his classmates in a youth hostel up in the mountains, but she had already left that morning when she went to work. It's not like Yifan to come greet him at the door all excitedly; he's no dog hybrid after all, he is a cat, mind you. He does, however, usually show some kind of reaction to Yixing returning, and if it only is a lazy calling back out to the younger or poking his head out of the doorway. And Yixing being gone for class trips during school always made him turn that tiny bit more excited about Yixing's return. This time, however, there is absolutely no reaction, and when Yixing finally moves deeper into their shared flat, dragging his luggage behind him, he wonders whether the catboy has fallen asleep.
"Yifan?" Yixing tries again, but his call still goes unanswered. He makes a short stop in the living room to drop his backpack on the couch, so he won't forget to unpack it later, before heading for their bedroom.
As expected, he finds Yifan in bed, but he's not asleep. Instead he's on his laptop, pretending to conveniently not having noticed how Yixing came back. Even now that the black haired male is standing in the doorway, Yifan doesn't even lift his glance or acknowledge Yixing's presence at all.
"Yifan," the younger male tries again, "I'm back."
A low grunt in the back of his throat is all the reaction the catboy shows this time, his ears still folded against his head as if he's trying to block Yixing out on purpose. His eyes are fixed onto the screen in front of him, and if Yixing hadn't known the other better, he would have actually believed that he was on working on something important or reading something very interesting. But he knows the other, and while he knows that Yifan is very diligent and dedicated when it comes to his studies, he also knows that his tail twitches when he's concentrating, or that his tongue will dart out at least once a minute, as if he's reminded of his time as a small kitten that's gotten milk left on its upper lip. Concentrated Yifan is a sight so adorable that Yixing regularly breaks his focus by cooing. This right in front of him, however, is mildly irritated Yifan, not the concentrated one, and it doesn't take a mastermind to know exactly what the cause for that irritation is.
"Yifan, you know I didn't have any choice but go," Yixing explains, hoping he sounds only half as exasperated as he feels at seeing the catboy sulk. He knows that letting too much of his attitude slip into his tone will make Yifan go on the defense. He moves to sit on the other half of the bed--Yifan's, since the catboy is currently occupying Yixing's. "I wanted to take you with me, you know that. I asked, but they said there were no free beds and they didn't want you to be a distraction to the students present." Still no reaction. "It would have been so boring for you on top of that. Heck, it was boring even for me."
There is a silent huff of air, as Yifan lets the other know just how dissatisfied he is with that explanation. "Come on, don't be a child. I'm back now." Yixing shifts until he can lean forward, reaching out for the catboy, but Yifan recoils slightly with a hiss, his slightly pointed teeth bared. The student doesn't let the gesture stop him though, and he just moves closer. "Stop sulking, I always come back, don't I?"
Yifan finally lifts his gaze from the laptop, and when Yixing's hand comes into contact with his cheek, he doesn't startle or move away. Instead he leans into the touch, the movement downright subconscious, as if it's an instinct he can't fight.
"You were gone for so long," the catboy croaks out, making it sound as if Yixing was gone for months, not mere days. Yixing just hums in agreement however, because he also feels as if he was gone for way too long. He lets his thumb glide along Yifan's cheek, and watches as the catboy's eyes fall closed, a content humming rumbling from deep in his chest. The sound draws a fond smile to Yixing's lips.
It takes a bit for Yifan to forget his sulkiness, but when he opens his eyes, the defiance is gone from them. "You were gone for so long," the silver-haired male repeats, and this time there's no accusation, just a pure expression of how much Yifan missed him.
"I know," Yixing replies, and places Yifan's laptop on the nightstand so that neither he himself nor Yifan can accidentally throw it down. He's killed enough electrical devices with his carelessness, and that laptop was a present from his parents for Yifan when he enrolled in a distance university last year, so the catboy values it greatly. When the coast is clear, he sits back down on the bed, his legs drawn under his body. He opens his arms, and Yifan only hesitates for the blink of an eye. Yixing knows the catboy has been dying to jump at him ever since Yixing walked into the bedroom, and true to his expectations Yifan immediately steadies himself by grabbing Yixing's arms while he's nuzzling into Yixing's neck first. He licks along the exposed skin, and despite years of practice, Yixing still shudders a little. The catboy doesn't spend too much time on the place where Yixing is the most ticklish, instead moving up and rubbing his cheek against Yixing's, before stretching until he can bury his nose in Yixing's hair, gliding down immediately after to move along Yixing's shoulder. The whole scenting process is one Yixing is long familiar with, but he doesn't remember the last time Yifan was this thorough with it.
"So much to cover up?" he asks with a light chuckle when Yifan licks along his jaw, as if he's attempting to clean off all the foreign odours with his raspy tongue. Which probably is exactly what he's doing.
"You've been sleeping in a dorm room," Yifan says by means of explanation, sounding quite accusing, and Yixing can't help but chuckle.
"I didn't really have a choice, you know?"
Yifan doesn't reply, he just continues cleaning Yixing and covering up all other scents with his own. Yixing, accepting it as a sign of love, endures the procedure without complaining.
-o-
If one asked any of Yixing's friends, they would say that Yifan is everything one would expect of a cat: aloof, distant, a hint of arrogance in his gaze and a preference for solitude. Whenever Yixing has visitors over, the catboy chooses to rather hide away in the bedroom, sometimes with a good book, sometimes just napping, sometimes simply avoiding all social interaction. There are very few friends of Yixing's he likes enough to stick around when they're over, but even in their presence he usually is rather silent, keeping to himself rather than mingling with the crowd.
It's the reason why none of his friends believe Yixing when he tells them how utterly cute Yifan is, looking at him with pitying compassion when he tells them that the catboy is brimming with affection, and is in constant need of cuddles, as if Yixing's delusional and all these things are only happening in his head. As soon as it is just the two of them, Yifan, however, is exactly that.
Not as if he's not still proud around Yixing, occasionally trying to act all cool and reserved, but the younger knows exactly what's up. He hasn't essentially grown up together with Yifan for nothing. He knows the catboy and all his mannerisms and hidden character traits like the back of his hand.
As a child Yixing had been slightly indignant about the fact that Yifan had quickly grown to be taller than him. It didn't even take one year for them to be roughly the same height, and as soon as they both reached puberty Yifan quickly was almost a head taller than the younger boy, and no matter how much milk Yixing drank, he couldn't catch up with him.
"I'm supposed to care for you so I'm supposed to be taller!" Yixing once accused in a fit of rather childish anger and jealousy as a barely eleven year old, when Yifan was only a few centimetres taller. As a consequence the catboy had walked around with hunched shoulders and a bowed back in order to be smaller than Yixing for about a week, making Yixing feel so guilty that he spent all his pocket money on a sweater three sizes too big for Yifan, that he had seen the catboy eye when they were out for grocery shopping with Yixing's father.
"So that it'll still fit when you're older," Yixing explained, the younger's indirect plea for forgiveness when Yifan basically drowned in the garment as he tried it on, hoping that the gesture would express that he was fine with Yifan growing much taller still, that it wouldn't change anything between them. Uncaring of his height and age, Yixing would always care for Yifan, and the sweater was supposed to be a sign of that.
Yifan accepted the sweater, and wore it so much that by the time it finally fit his body size the formerly bright Persian blue had been washed out until it faded to a pale Cornflower shade, and by the time the motif on the front had completely peeled off the sweater was already a bit too short to fit the length of Yifan's arms, revealing a strip of his stomach whenever he stretched up, but he still kept on wearing it, as if it was a constant reminder of Yixing's promise.
-o-
Picking Yifan up from school still feels weird even though it's far from the first time. Yixing knows the way from the bus stop to the big grey building so well by now, he's sure he could walk it with his eyes closed. Yifan is not yet done with his classes, so Yixing decides that he might as well take a seat in one of the chairs lined up in the corridor right outside the classroom for parents to wait in. They are way too small for fully grown adults, but Yixing figures that the grade school simply doesn’t have any big-sized chairs except for the handful in the staff room.
He brought his textbook with him, always the studious student, so he doesn’t even feel the time pass until the chime resounds through the hallway, indicating the end of the lesson and the beginning of lunch break. Yixing has barely managed to store his belongings in his backpack again when the door to Yifan’s class opens, and he rises just in time to see Yifan surrounded by a circle of children, half of which are trying to clamber onto his lap in order to force him to stay. No matter how often Yixing comes around to pick up from work, the sight never fails in drawing a fond smile to his lips.
“Do you need help?” he asks with a laugh when he steps into the room, nodding towards the supervising teacher in greeting as he passes by her on her way to where Yifan is providing the six-year-olds with a hybrid-shaped climbing frame.
“What makes you think so?” the hybrid asks back in a deadpan voice, “I’ve obviously got everything under control.” An excited giggle resounds through the room as one of the little girls takes one big leap, throwing her arms around his neck and prompting the catboy to lean forward a bit so that she can rest a bit more comfortably on his back without strangling him. The other children, immediately noticing the opening in Yifan’s defences, take less than the blink of an eye to swarm him, abusing his weakened state and bringing him down with united powers. Yixing watches them clamber for his tail, ears and hair, fascinated by their softness and the catboy’s anatomy differing from their own.
Yixing is just about to intercept, worried about Yifan since he knows exactly how sensitive the hybrid’s tail and ears are, but when he hears the deep voice of Yifan joining in with the high-pitched giggles of the children, he relaxes back into his position of a silent, amused spectator.
It’s the teacher who eventually forces the bundle of children covering Yifan to disperse, as it is lunchtime and they need to make their way to the cafeteria. There’s a lot of whining, and children clinging to Yifan’s arm as if letting go of them will mean they’ll lose everything. The promise of food, and of Yifan’s return the next morning, together with the soft coaxing of the catboy himself eventually causes even the last child to head for lunch, until there’s only Yixing and Yifan left in the otherwise empty classroom.
“Hi,” Yifan greets with a wide grin when he lifts his gaze from the door to look at Yixing instead, noticing just then that he failed to greet the younger yet with his hands having been full with the children, literally.
“Hi,” Yixing answers back, his lips automatically stretching to mirror the other’s expression of joy. It never fails to amaze him just how brightly glowing a morning always leaves Yifan, even when he’s sitting on the floor, supporting his own weight on his hands as he’s leant back a little, his hair a dishevelled mess.
“I only need to pack my stuff then we can head out,” the elder says as he picks himself up from the floor, dusting his trousers off and raking his fingers through his hair in an attempt to put the loose strands back into place. Yixing steps close, smoothing his own hand over the other's head to catch whatever unevenness Yifan didn't. The catboy automatically lowers his head a little to make things easier for Yixing, and when the younger grazes against his ears, gently ruffling the silver fur at their base, Yifan's eyes automatically fall shut as a low, content purring vibrates in his chest. The content smile on his face remains even after Yixing has pulled back, and when he opens his eyes again, they crinkle slightly around the edges as he looks at Yixing, who mirrors his expression.
"How was your day?" he asks, following Yifan to where his backpack is resting behind the teacher's desk, waiting patiently as the hybrid sorts his teaching materials and personal belongings. Yixing is the type to forget everything everywhere, the type to place his headphones together with his phone on the small cupboard by their front door and still only pick up one of the two when heading out. Yifan, in turn, always checks his bags and surroundings thrice to make sure that everything is where it's supposed to be. It's a trait Yixing admires, probably because he knows it's unattainable for him.
As they make their way out of the school, Yifan tells him about the subjects he taught today, and about how much the kids have improved within the last few months. Yixing listens intently, loving the way Yifan's eyes sparkle with excitement as he recounts his day. Yifan has always been the passionate kind, putting all his heart into whatever activity or interest he chose to pursue, and the way he recounts anything related to his teaching profession tells Yixing that this is exactly the right career for the catboy.
Yixing sometimes envies him. It's not as if he's not in love with his subject of study, or as if he can't throw his all into studying for it, but he doesn't know about the future yet. Show business is hard, and there are way too many who want to enter it. He doesn't want to go the route of standing in the spotlight, he wants to be behind it, supporting other artists and helping them to shine. It's still written in the stars, whether or not he will be able to score a position at all, and if he does, whether it will be one with enough freedom for him to be as creative as he wants to be.
After three years of university, he could have graduated, much like Yifan did before going to find the job he's currently working in, but since Yixing was still undecided about what kind of path he wants to go in the future--and technically is until this day--he decided against graduating in favour of prolonging his study, shifting his focus from composing to choreographing. He loves both equally, and while he's been taking most classes on composing in the first part of his degree, it's an utter delight to be able to expand his knowledge on the physical part of performances as well. The better his education, the more doors will be open for him, he knows that. It's only thanks to the scholarship he's managed to score that he's able to stay in university for longer, and he works hard to make the best of the opportunities he's been given.
They are both still dependent on the money that Yixing's parents deposit in their bank account however because the scholarship only manages to cover so much, but the fact that Yifan is able to provide them with some kind of income is a great relief, to Yixing's parents and to Yixing's conscience. Whenever Yixing apologizes for putting that burden on Yifan, the catboy just tells him not to worry. It's clear to both of them, that in the long run it will be the money that Yixing earns that has to keep them both afloat, and Yifan likes to remind him of that before telling him that he likes the idea of being able to support Yixing for as long as the younger needs him too, before their roles will be reversed in the future.
Yifan works only in the morning for two days a week, and gives morning and afternoon classes on the remaining three. He's only a part timer at his school, his job requirements perfectly fitted to what he can provide as a hybrid. It means that unless Yixing has unscheduled practices, he can usually comes to pick Yifan from work twice a week, once after his classes for the day have already ended, and once in between his morning and his evening lectures. He particularly enjoys the days when he has the afternoon off, because it means that he can always spend a slow afternoon with the hybrid, often cooking lunch together, sometimes stopping by at a restaurant or getting take out to bring home with them.
What he enjoys even more, however, are the mornings, every morning, where he prepares breakfast while Yifan is in the shower, and they have breakfast together. Yifan always has to leave first, his school being farther away and his work starting earlier than Yixing's lectures do. It's an unhurried and comfortable life they've settled into, and Yixing thinks that this is the way things can be forever.
-o-
When Yixing wakes up, Yifan is curled around him. The catboy gets particularly clingy when he's sleeping, and Yixing dreads the summer a little when the temperatures will make such closeness be rather uncomfortable. He likes the feeling of the catboy's breath fanning gently against his chest, the elder's body emitting a warmth that's still very comfortable in the slightly chilly air of spring, and he knows that he will miss this once the first hot days will roll around in a few weeks.
He is close to graduating, his final thesis already turned in and his final exams already written, his grades already known by every single relative he has, no matter how close or how distant because his grandparents couldn't stop gushing about his results, needing to let everyone know. Technically, he has graduated already, he's only got to wait two more weeks until the official graduation ceremony where he will be given his degree.
As part of the performing arts department, his last big task was to take part in the graduation performance. He and his fellow students naturally have the obligation to present their abilities in rest of the university's curious student body, as well as all the guests who are interested in coming. Of course there are the students' families, but no matter how exhausting and tedious the preparation of the event is, it also provides an excellent opportunity for the graduates to get a foot in the door with the business right away since scouts from various entertainment companies always attend these graduation shows as well on the search for fresh talents.
Yixing has received a few offers from companies based in Beijing, another few from Shanghai and Guangzhou, but since nothing about them really strikes Yixing as interesting, he doesn't pay them much heed, instead only going through the four offers he got from places in Changsha. He has also sent out a few applications, but before he isn't holding his degree in his hands, he can't do anything anyways, so right now his main task is to wait.
It's not his forte, to sit around and do nothing, but he must admit he likes the lazy mornings. Since Yifan's school is also close to their spring holidays, the students are writing exams and are not having regular classes all the time, which means that on the days where Yifan is teaching in the afternoon, he can come in an hour later than on those where his classes are in the morning.
The tall catboy loves sleep to the degree that a perfect weekend consists of being able to stay in bed until noon, drifting between awareness and unconsciousness for hours. It's something Yixing can't do, his urge to do something driving him out of the warm covers around eight or nine o'clock at latest. That's why even now, that he technically doesn't have any tasks anymore, his body clock still wakes him up before Yifan's alarm can ring.
Yixing doesn't mind it, though; he rather greets it with open arms, because there is a special joy in being able to watch Yifan sleep, being able to smell the scent the other always emits when he's completely relaxed, and Yixing values the time when he can reciprocate the other's embrace and spend a few minutes in the early morning thinking about nothing else but the feeling of comfort lying in bed with the hybrid like this brings.
Not much time passes, then Yifan's alarm goes off, and the catboy awakes with a groan that's followed by a whine of reluctance, clinging to the fleeting remains of his dreams as the noise drags him back into reality. The way Yifan turns into a complaining kitten again when he's being woken up never fails to make Yixing chuckle, and gently tracing the soft fur around Yifan's ears always gets the hybrid to switch from noises of discontent to a delicate purr that's half a good morning greeting and half an encouragement to continue.
It's with a bit of difficulty, but they eventually both manage to peel themselves out of bed, Yixing making his way for the kitchen as Yifan disappears into the bathroom for his usual morning shower. The younger prepares their breakfast, nothing overly fancy, but since he's in not too much of a rush he can take his time with it. When the catboy enters the kitchen, their dining table is already set with steaming bowls of rice and the small dishes Yixing prepared. They don't talk much while eating, Yifan never too fond of conversations in the morning but Yixing doesn't mind at all. The silence between is comfortable, the slightly tinny voice coming from the radio the only noise filling the small room.
Yixing accompanies Yifan to school, the way he has been doing ever since his lectures stopped, claiming that it gives him a purpose and some exercise in the morning. He considers dropping by his gym after he has parted ways with Yifan, but he decides that since he'll have a job interview on the next day, he'd rather give one of his recent compositions the final touch.
It's barely past eleven when his phone dings with the notification of a new mail in his inbox, and it's an instinct more than it is true interest that prompts him to immediately swipe his thumb across the screen to read the message. When he eyes the subject line however, his heart stops for a beat and he reads it three times because he can't believe his eyes, sure that there must be some kind of catch, that he's dreaming or that the mail was accidentally to his address when it was intended to someone else.
Of course that's not the case, since his name is written right there, as is his the name of his university, and when he finally gathers the courage to actually open its contents, the mail speaks of his graduation performance, and how he caught the eye of one of the talent scouts present during that evening. He gasps for air when he makes it to the end of the mail, the burning in his lungs the only way he notices that he's been holding his breath while reading it. His heart is racing in his chest as if he's spent hours practicing a particularly tricky part of a choreography as he scans the words again, but their content remains the same.
The mail in front of him contains a job offer from what he and his colleagues consider the best company in their field of business, and Yixing can't believe that their scouts not only saw him, but the company actually wants him to work for them, offering him a position based on the performance he put on during that night a week ago, and Yixing's stomach feels queasy with a mixture of excitement and the feeling that this is too big for him.
He wants to tell his parents and Yifan, immediately, but he doesn't even manage to open their family's group chat before his fingers still. As much as he wants to share this joy, there is one downside to the whole matter. Yixing had already decided to stay in Changsha, close to his parents and remaining in the settled life he's been leading with Yifan. This company, however, is located in Shanghai. It means that, if he were to accept the job offer, his whole life would change.
In the afternoon, he drives to Yifan's school in the second-hand car his parents got him for his 21st birthday to pick the catboy up. The car is old, has its particularities, and Yixing for the dear life of him doesn't want to have to drive during Changsha's rush hours, but he loves the freedom it gives him to do weekend trips together with Yifan, or to be able to get around the city even after the trains have already stopped for the night.
Yifan is already waiting for him at the school gate, and he gets into the car as soon as he has waved goodbye to his co-workers. He greets Yixing with a wide smile, the way he always does, thanking him for coming all the way to pick him up. The younger tries to shoot a smile back at him, but it's unsure around the edges. When Yixing puts the car back to drive, Yifan's expression falls, his forehead furrowing in concern. He has immediately noticed that Yixing didn't ruffle the catboy's hair in the way he usually does by means of greeting Yifan back from work. The younger wanted to keep the job offer a secret for as long as it takes him to decide on what he wants to do, but he knows that he's bad at keeping things from Yifan, the catboy having a way of seeing through him even when Yixing makes an effort to prevent him from doing so.
In the end, he can't hold his words in when Yifan asks him with concern if there's something wrong, if there's something worrying him. Yixing ends up telling him that there is a job offer he got that morning, and that it's been preoccupying his mind. He spills to the hybrid about it being from a company based in Shanghai, and that the job itself sounds very interesting, but that he's still very undecided. It's the truth, and since he got so many job offers from many different cities in China, Yifan doesn't seem put much thought into this one. He congratulates Yixing on having yet another company wants him, but then the feline side in him quickly resurfaces. After having had to concentrate at work all day, he just wants to curl around Yixing, wants the younger to pet him while he can purr against Yixing's chest, playfully biting his arm when he feels like it and soothing his tongue out over the aggravated spot immediately after.
Their usual afternoon ritual takes Yixing's mind off of the matter, and for a few hours he lets himself indulge in everything Yifan, soaking up the easy comfort of the other's presence provides him with. But no matter how easily the catboy brushed over the topic, the job offer stays in the back of Yixing's mind.
It's the hardest decision Yixing ever had to made, but in the end his choice is clear. This kind of job offer is something a freshly graduated student usually can only dream of, and he'd be one step closer to his goal of being able to support his parents by shouldering pretty much all of his and Yifan's living costs.
The conditions of the job are amazing, as are the promotion prospects. For Yixing in the last two years, his desire to work as a choreographer has been ever growing, and this is the absolute best company in the whole business. It does, however, mean that Yixing has to move to Shanghai, leaving Changsha and all its familiarity behind. Worse even, it means leaving the preschool and kindergarten Yifan is teaching at behind.
The catboy doesn't say with words just how attached he is to his job and the work environment he managed to find after months of fruitless searching. Despite the advances in hybrid rights the last few decades have brought, it is still unbelievably hard for a hybrid to find a job unrelated to either the entertainment industry or activities like waiting tables in a coffee shop or standing behind the checkout at some supermarket or Konbini. Many schools, way too many, are reluctant to give something as important as a position of teaching young children to a hybrid, arguing that that development stage is crucial and therefore they must employ the best person possible.
A stupid excuse, a baseless assumption that hybrids are not mentally fit to be teaching and Yixing had gotten angry on Yifan's behalf more times than he could care to count. Of course, hybrids do tend to have shorter attention spans than humans, and they occasionally react to scents and noises in an instinctual way, but that still doesn't mean it is impossible for them to perform the same work a human can.
Yifan is the best example for that. If anything, Yixing thinks he might be even better fit for the teaching position than any human is. He's patient, calm and the kids absolutely adore his silver hair, ears and the tail that always swishes around in excitement when one of them answers his questions correctly. The kindergarten group he's entrusted with usually huddles around him when he teaches them how to count to ten in English, or how to introduce themselves, and he lets them pet his head by means of saying goodbye when the class is over. Really, there is no more perfect occupation for Yifan, and Yixing, for the dear life of him, can't see Yifan losing it.
Never would he have thought that he would get at the point where he would have to decide between his own wishes and ambitions and Yifan. As a child it all seemed so easy, it was his decision to be Yifan's protector, so he would protect Yifan until the very end. When he moved in with Yifan, or rather Yifan moved in with him, everything seemed decided, settled. This was exactly how things would stay for the rest of their life, both of them together.
But graduating meant taking step into adult life Yixing thought he had already taken when he moved out and had to start taking care of himself. More than that is means however that decisions are no longer one-dimensional, there's no longer a simple "does it bring me closer to my goal or not?". Rather it was a question of priorities, about whether his multiple goals even fit together.
In this case, they don't and Yixing spends night over night tossing around in bed while sleep evades him in favour of his brain bringing up the same question over and over again, making him go through the pro's and con's and all possible consequences of his potential decisions.
He makes his decision with a heavy heart, and the guilt rests in his stomach like a heavy stone, making him feel sick. When he tells Yifan about his plans, about accepting the job offer, the catboy's body stills completely, as if he's in shock or unable to come up with a proper response.
Even though it tears Yixing apart internally, he still knows that it's important for Yifan to continue his work. The words taste like lead on his tongue, and he almost wants to gag around them, or swallow them right back down to not even give Yifan a choice and selfishly just take the hybrid with him to Shanghai. But he can't, he is selfish enough by making this decision, he can't take the choice from Yifan on top of that. So he forces out that there is the possibility for Yifan to remain, that he can move in back with Yixing's parents again and commute to his school from there.
Yifan looks hesitant, as if he wants to refuse right on the spot. They already tried that separation thing when they were 18 and 19 respectively, and neither likes remembering it. His ears fold back against his head as he bites lower lip to prevent the words of rejecting Yixing's offer from spilling out, and the internal battle Yixing witnesses is enough for him to think that he knows what's best for the catboy. He leans forward, brushing his hand through Yifan's hair, his fingers gliding along the taller's soft ears gently as he leans forward to brush his lips against Yifan's forehead, like he's used to doing whenever Yifan's upset ever since they were still children.
"Take your time to think about it, Fan. I will support you with whatever choice you make," he says in a silent voice, looking the catboy straight in the eyes and hoping that he could transport some of his guilt through them for putting Yifan into this situation.
Yifan is simultaneously withdrawn and even needier for cuddles for the next four days, and Yixing doesn't question, doesn't push him in any direction but rather gives the catboy whatever he wants, might that be silence or pressing close together on the couch while Yifan rubs his head against Yixing's shoulder, scenting him when there's nothing to cover up to begin with. They don't speak much during that time, but Yixing can see the gears in Yifan's head turning as he contemplates pros and cons, tries to discern whether he is willing to sacrifice the job he loves in order to be with Yixing. The younger man has never felt more guilty in his whole life than when he sees Yifan struggle, knowing he's the one who upset the balance they found.
On the fifth day, Yifan comes to him, shoulders slumped, tail curled around his thigh and ears drooping. Yixing feels his heart sink, despite all the mental preparation he got because he knew Yifan was going to choose this, but he forces a smile on his face. If anything, he has to make this as easy for Yifan as possible, showing him that his decision won't change Yixing's feelings at all. With a silent voice Yifan tells him that he won't be able to follow Yixing to Shanghai, that he can't just leave his kids in the middle of the school year. Yixing nods, and rises to encase Yifan in a hug he hopes is comforting.
"It'll be fine, Fan," he whispers, his hands gliding up and down Yifan's back, "I'll make sure to come by and visit as often as possible, and this doesn't have to be forever. We'll make it work for as long as it lasts." Yifan, by means of replying, just wraps himself around Yixing like a cocoon.
-o-
The weeks until his move fly past within the blink of an eye, and before Yixing knows it, he's already standing at the airport, two suitcases already checked in, leaving him with nothing but his worn out purple backpack and the feeling like he's about to throw up settled in his stomach. He already said his goodbye to his parents, tearful on their side and carefully controlled on his, so now all that's left is to part with the catboy. Yifan doesn't cry, so Yixing tells himself he won't either. What he fears the most is that Yifan will grow distant, or that he will resent Yixing for being selfish. If he were to look at the younger with cold disinterest, Yixing wouldn't even be able to blame him.
Yifan is wearing that blue sweater, which makes everything better and a million times worse at the same time. It speaks of Yifan still trusting Yixing to keep his promise, that he'll keep holding on to everything being with Yixing means to him. Yet, at the same time, it reminds Yixing that with every kilometer between them he's not fulfilling the duty he'd swore to fulfill all his life.
"I'm sorry." is what he wants to say, but the words die on his tongue; he doesn't want their parting to taste like stale, meaningless apologies. He made the choice, and now he has to stick with it. So instead he moves closer, carefully, keeping an open eye for any signs that Yifan might not want such intimacy right then, but the catboy remains rooted to the ground. His softening gaze is the only indication of him actually welcoming the touch when Yixing winds his arms around Yifan's waist pulling himself close to the taller's body, resting his head against Yifan's broad chest.
It still surprises him at times just how much Yifan has grown, how much he has changed from the small, slender boy he used to be when Yixing first saw him. Changed physically, that is, because when Yifan folds around him just like he always does, lowering his head until it's resting on Yixing's shoulder, giving him a chance to inhale his own scent clinging to the younger's skin, Yixing knows that on the inside Yifan is still the same.
"I will be back in a month," Yixing promises, already having booked his first plane tickets back home right after he made his decision. A month seems awfully long, but Yixing reasons that it's better than nothing. They will be able to make it through a month at least without seeing each other, he tries to persuade himself. He feels Yifan nod against his shoulder in silent response.
Then it's time to part for real, Yixing already having to hurry to make it through security and to his gate for boarding. He feels a little overdramatic, having to fight tears as he steps away. They're both grown adults at that point, he's no longer eight years old, and neither is he losing Yifan, nor is this goodbye the end of the world. It's a shame that telling himself that like a mantra, over and over again does not help with dissipating the tightness in his chest at all. The middle-aged woman who is sitting in the seat next to him gives him a tissue thirty minutes into the flight because he keeps on sniffling, and only then does he realize that his vision is slightly clouded by the tears brimming in his eyes. He accepts it with a smile, hoping to reassure the lady who looks at him with a doubtful gaze but doesn't prod any further. In the end she gives him the whole package, telling him in a motherly tone that he seems to need it more than she does. Even though he wants to refuse, he has to agree with her because the tears keep reappearing. He reasons it's his own fault though, since he keeps on looking at the picture he took of Yifan in the aiport, wanting to have a reminder of how the catboy looks like wearing the sweater Yixing gifted him years ago. When they land, his eyes burn and Yixing can't help but wonder whether he's slightly masochistic for being unable to stop looking at his phone.
It takes him around two hours to make it from the airport to his new home because in his haze he accidentally gets onto the wrong subway, having to take a detour as soon as he realizes his mistake. He doesn't even take note of the restaurant selling his favourite dish right at the beginning of the street, or the quaint little coffee shop because he's simply exhausted, and all he wants is to finally fall into bed.
He thanks the heavens when he eventually unlocks the flat and discovers that his future company had already arranged for the most essential furniture to be present, so all he needs to do is take off his shoes, drop his suitcases unceremoniously in the hallway and trudge towards the single room at the far end of the flat. The apartment is small, smaller even than the one he used to live in with Yifan but he feels as if it's size is almost unbearably big, and he doesn't know how he's supposed to fill all this space.
A few pictures on the walls, a bit more furniture and this will be really nice, he tries to comfort himself, but the words don't really have any effect on his mood. He's never been very good at deluding himself. Getting into bed that night is something he dreads, because he already knows that he will feel cold no matter how warm he sets the AC.
He video calls his parents before he goes to sleep, with the excuse of reassuring them that everything went well and he's settled into his new home as best as he can. In reality he just wants to see Yifan. He surprisingly manages to keep his composure, but he still sleeps with one of Yifan's favourite shirts as night wear, having stolen it from the catboy's cupboard in a spur-of-the-moment decision when he was packing his last bag yesterday night, unable to resist the temptation. At least it smells like home, even when neither the flat nor the bed feel like it at all.
( ♣ ♣)
Pairing: Fanxing
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Use of Sex Toys, rimming
Length: 37k
Summary: The thread that weaves through Yixing's life is not red, but a washed out Cornflower blue, tying him to the silver-haired catboy that his parents bring home when Yixing is eight years old.
A/N: Written for fanxing_ohboy. A big fat thank you goes to Lo and Grace, as always. Thank you Grace for literally saving this fic, without you I wouldn't have made it, and thank you Lo for betaing it on such short notice. Also a big fat non-thank you goes to Rani for cursing this fic. There you have your catboy!Yifan. I hope you're happy. I want a compensation.
Home (My Heart Is With You)
The first time Yixing sees Yifan, the catboy is half a head smaller than him; his silver, furry ears flattened against his head in a visible display of an emotion that could range from slight insecurity to downright discomfort. His tail, sporting the same bright colour, is curled around his thigh. Never before in his life have Yixing’s protective instincts kick in faster, than as his mother gives Yifan a gentle push in order to make him move through the doorway. Yixing swears his heart skips a beat when the small catboy stumbles a little as his feet catch on the door sill; not out of real fear that the other boy will hurt himself-he doesn't stumble strongly enough for that-but rather because the sight is so utterly adorable.
They do not really plan on keeping or adopting Yifan at first. He's one of the strays that Yixing's father takes care of as a volunteer after his office job and during the weekends. Yifan is by far the youngest of all the hybrids they provide shelter for. Since he refuses to speak, they can't really be sure why he wound up sitting next to the bus stop close to Yixing's father's workplace one morning, his slim body basically drowning in the gigantic sweater he had pulled on, which sadly didn't do much to ward off the nasty drizzle that painted the autumn day grey. When the young boy was still seated in the same spot when Yixing's father returned from work, it wasn't all that difficult for him to put one and one together, especially with the shape of Yifan's tail being visible in the back of his sweater as he shifted the appendage around.
When Yixing's father gives him the rice ball he bought at the Konbini right across the street, the boy looks up with sparkling eyes, the hint of wariness in them immediately disappearing when he sees the coaxing smile Yixing's father is sporting. The snack is gone within seconds, devoured in four big bites, speaking of obvious hunger.
They provide Yifan a bed at the shelter for four nights, but since the little hybrid shows no signs of either talking or socializing with the other strays, they decide that perhaps it would be better to give the young boy a foster family where he can experience some personal care. Since Yixing's father is the only one with a child around the catboy's age, it's only natural to entrust Yifan into his care.
It's all meant to be temporary. They plan to give Yifan a chance to recover from whatever he had experienced, so that he could return to the shelter in a state that would make him eligible for being adopted into a nice and caring family.
Yixing, an only child who always wanted siblings, takes to his new role as Yifan's playmate and protector like a fish to water. It wouldn't even have taken his mother or father telling him that he should take good care of the hybrid boy, just their first meeting and one look into these big, Celadon coloured eyes is enough to have Yixing, naive, small, eight-year-old Yixing, swear lifelong protection and care. Yifan is shy at first, overwhelmed by the exuberant energy of the other child, but it's the same kind of energy that quickly envelopes and pulls him in. He remains withdrawn, his face looking rather scary even for a young boy, with his strong eyebrows pulled into a perpetual frown. Only when he looks at Yixing does his gaze soften, his ears perking up and his tail swishing in excitement whenever he catches a hint of Yixing's voice.
They never set a limit on Yifan's stay, the only goal being to make him recover, no matter whether that takes weeks or months. Yet Yixing catches his parents having a hushed conversation in the living room one night two months after they took Yifan in, thinking that both children are already asleep. Yifan still hasn't said a single word, and Yixing's parents worry that he's not making any progress, that just living with their family is not enough to help him. Yixing, on his way back from the toilet, catches exactly the part where they talk about whether it wouldn't be better to give Yifan into the hands of a professional, someone who actually has experience with dealing with young strays. Both jump a little in shock when suddenly the door is thrown open and Yixing bursts in, tears brimming in his eyes and his hands balled in fists.
“You can't give Yifan away,” he says in an accusing tone, his fingers trembling as small tears start to spill from his eyes. He's eight years old and losing Yifan seems like the end of the world to him, like he failed the one task he has in life, which is to care for the catboy. His parents immediately rush to his side, trying to comfort him and tell him that this is for Yifan's best, and that they don't want to lose their new family member either but sometimes hard choices have to be made. Yixing doesn't listen, moves away from their comforting touches as he sobs uncontrollably. He doesn't listen to any of the placating words of his parents, too caught up in his crying fit. There are tears glistening in his mother's eyes as well at the sight, but all she can do is cast helpless gazes at her husband.
Neither of them notice the new presence in the room until Yifan steps onto the third floor board that always squeaks, and they all see the catboy standing next to the door, wearing his wide pajamas that always make him look even smaller, his hair still mussed from sleep. His eyes are wide and fixed on the crying figure of Yixing, whose eyes are red and slightly swollen. For a moment Yixing's sobbing stops, leaving only the sound of sniffling behind, as he and Yifan face each other.
The catboy stills in shock for a moment, before his expression changes into one displaying distress. He moves forward with unsure steps to where Yixing is standing, looking at him with worry etched into his features. All this time he's only seen Yixing smiling and being happy, or displaying the annoyance a child feels when it’s forced by its parents to do household chores or homework when it would rather play. Yifan doesn't know Yixing being sad, and the way his ears fold against his head speak of his uncertainty of how to deal with the situation. For a heartbeat they just look at each other, then Yifan fists his hands into the seam of his shirt, and opens his mouth.
Everything in the room seems to go silent when Yifan whispers “Yixing.” the name spoken in a voice that carries worry and the wish to comfort and a sense of helplessness, almost pleading as if he wants Yixing to tell him how to make him feel better again. His voice is scratchy from disuse, and small, but everyone present catches the word.
Yixing's mother gasps silently in the background, as does his father, but Yixing doesn't care for that. He's staring at Yifan with wide eyes, unable to believe that the first thing he ever heard the catboy say is his name, and then his face contorts as he starts bawling even stronger than before, moving forwards to latch himself onto Yifan's neck. He chants the catboy's name while clinging to him, as well as he can get the sound out between his hiccups. Yifan looks utterly lost at suddenly having the human boy clinging to him. “Yixing,” he repeats, this time calling for his attention, “Yixing,” and he continues whispering the name while his hands let go of his own shirt to curl his fingers into Yixing's shirt in turn. When calling for Yixing doesn't seem to have the desired effect, Yifan instead tiptoes a little and starts darting his tongue over Yixing's cheeks, lapping at the tear tracks there. Since the sounds of the younger's crying don't stop, Yifan continues cleaning the younger's face. It takes him a few moments to realize that Yixing's sobs have changed. There are laughs mixed into them, the slightly rough texture of the catboy's tongue tickling him and the gesture making his heart overflow with fondness at the other's cuteness. So he half-laughs, half-sobs, and holds Yifan as close as he can. If his parents want to take the catboy away from him, they should just try to pry him from his hands.
It takes almost half an hour to calm the eight-year-old down again, and even after his parents have assured him that there is no reason for him to worry, that they won't give Yifan away, Yixing still keeps on clinging to the smaller, and Yifan reciprocates by holding tight onto Yixing's shirt. Even after they've been put to sleep they don't let go.
The next morning Yixing's father goes to fetch the adoption papers for Yifan from the shelter.
-o-
Moving out for college was a rush, the dorms of his university so helplessly high in demand that Yixing gave up trying to score a room there after two introduction events he attended with roughly 300 other freshmen, who all wanted to get one of the roughly 200 beds available. So instead he ventured to look for flats for rent, hoping to find one that was still relatively close to his campus. It was pure luck, being at the right place at the right time-or rather accidentally getting off at the wrong stop on his way to his tutoring and only realizing it after he had already walked for five minutes. There it had been, the sign telling new freshman of Yixing's university that there was an unoccupied flat in the building, and Yixing had missed the first hour of tutoring in favour of discussing with the landlord about possible rent conditions.
The two-room apartment is not exactly a new building, in the winter it's difficult to get it warm and in summer it's the exact opposite problem. But, it is affordable with the money Yixing makes with his side job as a waiter and the monthly allowance his parents can pay him, and it takes him a mere thirty minutes to the university in the morning if he goes on his bike, twenty if he takes the train.
The original plan had been for Yixing to live by himself there, but after only two weeks of being apart, both Yixing and Yifan displayed severe signs of withdrawal. So strongly so, that Yixing's parents decided that it probably was for the best if Yifan were to follow after their son, instead of staying in the house he had grown up in. Between the decision and the actual move, two mere days passed in which Yifan packed a suitcase and Yixing bought another pillow and blanket, having agreed within the same heartbeat that his parents had told him about the suggestion.
Yifan's and Yixing's reunion ended with their parents crying when they had to leave because not only had they lost one, but both of their sons, and even though the two of them were only living a good forty minutes away, it was still enough for Yixing's parents to make it seem like they had moved to a whole different country. Yixing's reminder that it was their idea in the first place to have Yifan move in with him as well, had earned him a good-natured slap against his shoulder and the reminder that he shouldn't be sassy but rather comfort his mother like the good son he was supposed to be.
Living alone had already been weird in the beginning, and living together with Yifan required a bit of an adaptation period, but they both quickly realized that it wasn't all that difficult. Whenever Yixing was home he would provide Yifan with all the attention and cuddles he could, and when he was away for classes, Yifan would dabble in household chores, figuring out how to work the washing machine or finding websites for the food delivery services in their neighbourhood.
The cleaning of the flat and the actual cooking were left to Yixing, but they made it work quite well between the two of them. It didn't take Yixing long to realize that rather than things just working out with the two of them living together, this was what he needed.
There are two types of people, gardeners and flowers. The flowers need someone to take care of them, to water them and make sure they have enough sunlight to bloom, and the gardeners are responsible for providing exactly that care. Both are mutually dependant on each other, as the flower withers without its gardener, while the gardener has no purpose without a flower to look after, feeling like they are being useless.
Yixing, without question, is the gardener type, needing someone to nourish and cherish and Yifan is his flower.
-o-
“Yifan, I'm back!” Yixing calls into the flat, struggling with undoing the shoelaces of his left shoe, but he doesn't get an answer back. He's at home for the first time in a week, only just returned from his university excursion. His mother stayed with Yifan while Yixing was perched together with his classmates in a youth hostel up in the mountains, but she had already left that morning when she went to work. It's not like Yifan to come greet him at the door all excitedly; he's no dog hybrid after all, he is a cat, mind you. He does, however, usually show some kind of reaction to Yixing returning, and if it only is a lazy calling back out to the younger or poking his head out of the doorway. And Yixing being gone for class trips during school always made him turn that tiny bit more excited about Yixing's return. This time, however, there is absolutely no reaction, and when Yixing finally moves deeper into their shared flat, dragging his luggage behind him, he wonders whether the catboy has fallen asleep.
"Yifan?" Yixing tries again, but his call still goes unanswered. He makes a short stop in the living room to drop his backpack on the couch, so he won't forget to unpack it later, before heading for their bedroom.
As expected, he finds Yifan in bed, but he's not asleep. Instead he's on his laptop, pretending to conveniently not having noticed how Yixing came back. Even now that the black haired male is standing in the doorway, Yifan doesn't even lift his glance or acknowledge Yixing's presence at all.
"Yifan," the younger male tries again, "I'm back."
A low grunt in the back of his throat is all the reaction the catboy shows this time, his ears still folded against his head as if he's trying to block Yixing out on purpose. His eyes are fixed onto the screen in front of him, and if Yixing hadn't known the other better, he would have actually believed that he was on working on something important or reading something very interesting. But he knows the other, and while he knows that Yifan is very diligent and dedicated when it comes to his studies, he also knows that his tail twitches when he's concentrating, or that his tongue will dart out at least once a minute, as if he's reminded of his time as a small kitten that's gotten milk left on its upper lip. Concentrated Yifan is a sight so adorable that Yixing regularly breaks his focus by cooing. This right in front of him, however, is mildly irritated Yifan, not the concentrated one, and it doesn't take a mastermind to know exactly what the cause for that irritation is.
"Yifan, you know I didn't have any choice but go," Yixing explains, hoping he sounds only half as exasperated as he feels at seeing the catboy sulk. He knows that letting too much of his attitude slip into his tone will make Yifan go on the defense. He moves to sit on the other half of the bed--Yifan's, since the catboy is currently occupying Yixing's. "I wanted to take you with me, you know that. I asked, but they said there were no free beds and they didn't want you to be a distraction to the students present." Still no reaction. "It would have been so boring for you on top of that. Heck, it was boring even for me."
There is a silent huff of air, as Yifan lets the other know just how dissatisfied he is with that explanation. "Come on, don't be a child. I'm back now." Yixing shifts until he can lean forward, reaching out for the catboy, but Yifan recoils slightly with a hiss, his slightly pointed teeth bared. The student doesn't let the gesture stop him though, and he just moves closer. "Stop sulking, I always come back, don't I?"
Yifan finally lifts his gaze from the laptop, and when Yixing's hand comes into contact with his cheek, he doesn't startle or move away. Instead he leans into the touch, the movement downright subconscious, as if it's an instinct he can't fight.
"You were gone for so long," the catboy croaks out, making it sound as if Yixing was gone for months, not mere days. Yixing just hums in agreement however, because he also feels as if he was gone for way too long. He lets his thumb glide along Yifan's cheek, and watches as the catboy's eyes fall closed, a content humming rumbling from deep in his chest. The sound draws a fond smile to Yixing's lips.
It takes a bit for Yifan to forget his sulkiness, but when he opens his eyes, the defiance is gone from them. "You were gone for so long," the silver-haired male repeats, and this time there's no accusation, just a pure expression of how much Yifan missed him.
"I know," Yixing replies, and places Yifan's laptop on the nightstand so that neither he himself nor Yifan can accidentally throw it down. He's killed enough electrical devices with his carelessness, and that laptop was a present from his parents for Yifan when he enrolled in a distance university last year, so the catboy values it greatly. When the coast is clear, he sits back down on the bed, his legs drawn under his body. He opens his arms, and Yifan only hesitates for the blink of an eye. Yixing knows the catboy has been dying to jump at him ever since Yixing walked into the bedroom, and true to his expectations Yifan immediately steadies himself by grabbing Yixing's arms while he's nuzzling into Yixing's neck first. He licks along the exposed skin, and despite years of practice, Yixing still shudders a little. The catboy doesn't spend too much time on the place where Yixing is the most ticklish, instead moving up and rubbing his cheek against Yixing's, before stretching until he can bury his nose in Yixing's hair, gliding down immediately after to move along Yixing's shoulder. The whole scenting process is one Yixing is long familiar with, but he doesn't remember the last time Yifan was this thorough with it.
"So much to cover up?" he asks with a light chuckle when Yifan licks along his jaw, as if he's attempting to clean off all the foreign odours with his raspy tongue. Which probably is exactly what he's doing.
"You've been sleeping in a dorm room," Yifan says by means of explanation, sounding quite accusing, and Yixing can't help but chuckle.
"I didn't really have a choice, you know?"
Yifan doesn't reply, he just continues cleaning Yixing and covering up all other scents with his own. Yixing, accepting it as a sign of love, endures the procedure without complaining.
-o-
If one asked any of Yixing's friends, they would say that Yifan is everything one would expect of a cat: aloof, distant, a hint of arrogance in his gaze and a preference for solitude. Whenever Yixing has visitors over, the catboy chooses to rather hide away in the bedroom, sometimes with a good book, sometimes just napping, sometimes simply avoiding all social interaction. There are very few friends of Yixing's he likes enough to stick around when they're over, but even in their presence he usually is rather silent, keeping to himself rather than mingling with the crowd.
It's the reason why none of his friends believe Yixing when he tells them how utterly cute Yifan is, looking at him with pitying compassion when he tells them that the catboy is brimming with affection, and is in constant need of cuddles, as if Yixing's delusional and all these things are only happening in his head. As soon as it is just the two of them, Yifan, however, is exactly that.
Not as if he's not still proud around Yixing, occasionally trying to act all cool and reserved, but the younger knows exactly what's up. He hasn't essentially grown up together with Yifan for nothing. He knows the catboy and all his mannerisms and hidden character traits like the back of his hand.
As a child Yixing had been slightly indignant about the fact that Yifan had quickly grown to be taller than him. It didn't even take one year for them to be roughly the same height, and as soon as they both reached puberty Yifan quickly was almost a head taller than the younger boy, and no matter how much milk Yixing drank, he couldn't catch up with him.
"I'm supposed to care for you so I'm supposed to be taller!" Yixing once accused in a fit of rather childish anger and jealousy as a barely eleven year old, when Yifan was only a few centimetres taller. As a consequence the catboy had walked around with hunched shoulders and a bowed back in order to be smaller than Yixing for about a week, making Yixing feel so guilty that he spent all his pocket money on a sweater three sizes too big for Yifan, that he had seen the catboy eye when they were out for grocery shopping with Yixing's father.
"So that it'll still fit when you're older," Yixing explained, the younger's indirect plea for forgiveness when Yifan basically drowned in the garment as he tried it on, hoping that the gesture would express that he was fine with Yifan growing much taller still, that it wouldn't change anything between them. Uncaring of his height and age, Yixing would always care for Yifan, and the sweater was supposed to be a sign of that.
Yifan accepted the sweater, and wore it so much that by the time it finally fit his body size the formerly bright Persian blue had been washed out until it faded to a pale Cornflower shade, and by the time the motif on the front had completely peeled off the sweater was already a bit too short to fit the length of Yifan's arms, revealing a strip of his stomach whenever he stretched up, but he still kept on wearing it, as if it was a constant reminder of Yixing's promise.
-o-
Picking Yifan up from school still feels weird even though it's far from the first time. Yixing knows the way from the bus stop to the big grey building so well by now, he's sure he could walk it with his eyes closed. Yifan is not yet done with his classes, so Yixing decides that he might as well take a seat in one of the chairs lined up in the corridor right outside the classroom for parents to wait in. They are way too small for fully grown adults, but Yixing figures that the grade school simply doesn’t have any big-sized chairs except for the handful in the staff room.
He brought his textbook with him, always the studious student, so he doesn’t even feel the time pass until the chime resounds through the hallway, indicating the end of the lesson and the beginning of lunch break. Yixing has barely managed to store his belongings in his backpack again when the door to Yifan’s class opens, and he rises just in time to see Yifan surrounded by a circle of children, half of which are trying to clamber onto his lap in order to force him to stay. No matter how often Yixing comes around to pick up from work, the sight never fails in drawing a fond smile to his lips.
“Do you need help?” he asks with a laugh when he steps into the room, nodding towards the supervising teacher in greeting as he passes by her on her way to where Yifan is providing the six-year-olds with a hybrid-shaped climbing frame.
“What makes you think so?” the hybrid asks back in a deadpan voice, “I’ve obviously got everything under control.” An excited giggle resounds through the room as one of the little girls takes one big leap, throwing her arms around his neck and prompting the catboy to lean forward a bit so that she can rest a bit more comfortably on his back without strangling him. The other children, immediately noticing the opening in Yifan’s defences, take less than the blink of an eye to swarm him, abusing his weakened state and bringing him down with united powers. Yixing watches them clamber for his tail, ears and hair, fascinated by their softness and the catboy’s anatomy differing from their own.
Yixing is just about to intercept, worried about Yifan since he knows exactly how sensitive the hybrid’s tail and ears are, but when he hears the deep voice of Yifan joining in with the high-pitched giggles of the children, he relaxes back into his position of a silent, amused spectator.
It’s the teacher who eventually forces the bundle of children covering Yifan to disperse, as it is lunchtime and they need to make their way to the cafeteria. There’s a lot of whining, and children clinging to Yifan’s arm as if letting go of them will mean they’ll lose everything. The promise of food, and of Yifan’s return the next morning, together with the soft coaxing of the catboy himself eventually causes even the last child to head for lunch, until there’s only Yixing and Yifan left in the otherwise empty classroom.
“Hi,” Yifan greets with a wide grin when he lifts his gaze from the door to look at Yixing instead, noticing just then that he failed to greet the younger yet with his hands having been full with the children, literally.
“Hi,” Yixing answers back, his lips automatically stretching to mirror the other’s expression of joy. It never fails to amaze him just how brightly glowing a morning always leaves Yifan, even when he’s sitting on the floor, supporting his own weight on his hands as he’s leant back a little, his hair a dishevelled mess.
“I only need to pack my stuff then we can head out,” the elder says as he picks himself up from the floor, dusting his trousers off and raking his fingers through his hair in an attempt to put the loose strands back into place. Yixing steps close, smoothing his own hand over the other's head to catch whatever unevenness Yifan didn't. The catboy automatically lowers his head a little to make things easier for Yixing, and when the younger grazes against his ears, gently ruffling the silver fur at their base, Yifan's eyes automatically fall shut as a low, content purring vibrates in his chest. The content smile on his face remains even after Yixing has pulled back, and when he opens his eyes again, they crinkle slightly around the edges as he looks at Yixing, who mirrors his expression.
"How was your day?" he asks, following Yifan to where his backpack is resting behind the teacher's desk, waiting patiently as the hybrid sorts his teaching materials and personal belongings. Yixing is the type to forget everything everywhere, the type to place his headphones together with his phone on the small cupboard by their front door and still only pick up one of the two when heading out. Yifan, in turn, always checks his bags and surroundings thrice to make sure that everything is where it's supposed to be. It's a trait Yixing admires, probably because he knows it's unattainable for him.
As they make their way out of the school, Yifan tells him about the subjects he taught today, and about how much the kids have improved within the last few months. Yixing listens intently, loving the way Yifan's eyes sparkle with excitement as he recounts his day. Yifan has always been the passionate kind, putting all his heart into whatever activity or interest he chose to pursue, and the way he recounts anything related to his teaching profession tells Yixing that this is exactly the right career for the catboy.
Yixing sometimes envies him. It's not as if he's not in love with his subject of study, or as if he can't throw his all into studying for it, but he doesn't know about the future yet. Show business is hard, and there are way too many who want to enter it. He doesn't want to go the route of standing in the spotlight, he wants to be behind it, supporting other artists and helping them to shine. It's still written in the stars, whether or not he will be able to score a position at all, and if he does, whether it will be one with enough freedom for him to be as creative as he wants to be.
After three years of university, he could have graduated, much like Yifan did before going to find the job he's currently working in, but since Yixing was still undecided about what kind of path he wants to go in the future--and technically is until this day--he decided against graduating in favour of prolonging his study, shifting his focus from composing to choreographing. He loves both equally, and while he's been taking most classes on composing in the first part of his degree, it's an utter delight to be able to expand his knowledge on the physical part of performances as well. The better his education, the more doors will be open for him, he knows that. It's only thanks to the scholarship he's managed to score that he's able to stay in university for longer, and he works hard to make the best of the opportunities he's been given.
They are both still dependent on the money that Yixing's parents deposit in their bank account however because the scholarship only manages to cover so much, but the fact that Yifan is able to provide them with some kind of income is a great relief, to Yixing's parents and to Yixing's conscience. Whenever Yixing apologizes for putting that burden on Yifan, the catboy just tells him not to worry. It's clear to both of them, that in the long run it will be the money that Yixing earns that has to keep them both afloat, and Yifan likes to remind him of that before telling him that he likes the idea of being able to support Yixing for as long as the younger needs him too, before their roles will be reversed in the future.
Yifan works only in the morning for two days a week, and gives morning and afternoon classes on the remaining three. He's only a part timer at his school, his job requirements perfectly fitted to what he can provide as a hybrid. It means that unless Yixing has unscheduled practices, he can usually comes to pick Yifan from work twice a week, once after his classes for the day have already ended, and once in between his morning and his evening lectures. He particularly enjoys the days when he has the afternoon off, because it means that he can always spend a slow afternoon with the hybrid, often cooking lunch together, sometimes stopping by at a restaurant or getting take out to bring home with them.
What he enjoys even more, however, are the mornings, every morning, where he prepares breakfast while Yifan is in the shower, and they have breakfast together. Yifan always has to leave first, his school being farther away and his work starting earlier than Yixing's lectures do. It's an unhurried and comfortable life they've settled into, and Yixing thinks that this is the way things can be forever.
-o-
When Yixing wakes up, Yifan is curled around him. The catboy gets particularly clingy when he's sleeping, and Yixing dreads the summer a little when the temperatures will make such closeness be rather uncomfortable. He likes the feeling of the catboy's breath fanning gently against his chest, the elder's body emitting a warmth that's still very comfortable in the slightly chilly air of spring, and he knows that he will miss this once the first hot days will roll around in a few weeks.
He is close to graduating, his final thesis already turned in and his final exams already written, his grades already known by every single relative he has, no matter how close or how distant because his grandparents couldn't stop gushing about his results, needing to let everyone know. Technically, he has graduated already, he's only got to wait two more weeks until the official graduation ceremony where he will be given his degree.
As part of the performing arts department, his last big task was to take part in the graduation performance. He and his fellow students naturally have the obligation to present their abilities in rest of the university's curious student body, as well as all the guests who are interested in coming. Of course there are the students' families, but no matter how exhausting and tedious the preparation of the event is, it also provides an excellent opportunity for the graduates to get a foot in the door with the business right away since scouts from various entertainment companies always attend these graduation shows as well on the search for fresh talents.
Yixing has received a few offers from companies based in Beijing, another few from Shanghai and Guangzhou, but since nothing about them really strikes Yixing as interesting, he doesn't pay them much heed, instead only going through the four offers he got from places in Changsha. He has also sent out a few applications, but before he isn't holding his degree in his hands, he can't do anything anyways, so right now his main task is to wait.
It's not his forte, to sit around and do nothing, but he must admit he likes the lazy mornings. Since Yifan's school is also close to their spring holidays, the students are writing exams and are not having regular classes all the time, which means that on the days where Yifan is teaching in the afternoon, he can come in an hour later than on those where his classes are in the morning.
The tall catboy loves sleep to the degree that a perfect weekend consists of being able to stay in bed until noon, drifting between awareness and unconsciousness for hours. It's something Yixing can't do, his urge to do something driving him out of the warm covers around eight or nine o'clock at latest. That's why even now, that he technically doesn't have any tasks anymore, his body clock still wakes him up before Yifan's alarm can ring.
Yixing doesn't mind it, though; he rather greets it with open arms, because there is a special joy in being able to watch Yifan sleep, being able to smell the scent the other always emits when he's completely relaxed, and Yixing values the time when he can reciprocate the other's embrace and spend a few minutes in the early morning thinking about nothing else but the feeling of comfort lying in bed with the hybrid like this brings.
Not much time passes, then Yifan's alarm goes off, and the catboy awakes with a groan that's followed by a whine of reluctance, clinging to the fleeting remains of his dreams as the noise drags him back into reality. The way Yifan turns into a complaining kitten again when he's being woken up never fails to make Yixing chuckle, and gently tracing the soft fur around Yifan's ears always gets the hybrid to switch from noises of discontent to a delicate purr that's half a good morning greeting and half an encouragement to continue.
It's with a bit of difficulty, but they eventually both manage to peel themselves out of bed, Yixing making his way for the kitchen as Yifan disappears into the bathroom for his usual morning shower. The younger prepares their breakfast, nothing overly fancy, but since he's in not too much of a rush he can take his time with it. When the catboy enters the kitchen, their dining table is already set with steaming bowls of rice and the small dishes Yixing prepared. They don't talk much while eating, Yifan never too fond of conversations in the morning but Yixing doesn't mind at all. The silence between is comfortable, the slightly tinny voice coming from the radio the only noise filling the small room.
Yixing accompanies Yifan to school, the way he has been doing ever since his lectures stopped, claiming that it gives him a purpose and some exercise in the morning. He considers dropping by his gym after he has parted ways with Yifan, but he decides that since he'll have a job interview on the next day, he'd rather give one of his recent compositions the final touch.
It's barely past eleven when his phone dings with the notification of a new mail in his inbox, and it's an instinct more than it is true interest that prompts him to immediately swipe his thumb across the screen to read the message. When he eyes the subject line however, his heart stops for a beat and he reads it three times because he can't believe his eyes, sure that there must be some kind of catch, that he's dreaming or that the mail was accidentally to his address when it was intended to someone else.
Of course that's not the case, since his name is written right there, as is his the name of his university, and when he finally gathers the courage to actually open its contents, the mail speaks of his graduation performance, and how he caught the eye of one of the talent scouts present during that evening. He gasps for air when he makes it to the end of the mail, the burning in his lungs the only way he notices that he's been holding his breath while reading it. His heart is racing in his chest as if he's spent hours practicing a particularly tricky part of a choreography as he scans the words again, but their content remains the same.
The mail in front of him contains a job offer from what he and his colleagues consider the best company in their field of business, and Yixing can't believe that their scouts not only saw him, but the company actually wants him to work for them, offering him a position based on the performance he put on during that night a week ago, and Yixing's stomach feels queasy with a mixture of excitement and the feeling that this is too big for him.
He wants to tell his parents and Yifan, immediately, but he doesn't even manage to open their family's group chat before his fingers still. As much as he wants to share this joy, there is one downside to the whole matter. Yixing had already decided to stay in Changsha, close to his parents and remaining in the settled life he's been leading with Yifan. This company, however, is located in Shanghai. It means that, if he were to accept the job offer, his whole life would change.
In the afternoon, he drives to Yifan's school in the second-hand car his parents got him for his 21st birthday to pick the catboy up. The car is old, has its particularities, and Yixing for the dear life of him doesn't want to have to drive during Changsha's rush hours, but he loves the freedom it gives him to do weekend trips together with Yifan, or to be able to get around the city even after the trains have already stopped for the night.
Yifan is already waiting for him at the school gate, and he gets into the car as soon as he has waved goodbye to his co-workers. He greets Yixing with a wide smile, the way he always does, thanking him for coming all the way to pick him up. The younger tries to shoot a smile back at him, but it's unsure around the edges. When Yixing puts the car back to drive, Yifan's expression falls, his forehead furrowing in concern. He has immediately noticed that Yixing didn't ruffle the catboy's hair in the way he usually does by means of greeting Yifan back from work. The younger wanted to keep the job offer a secret for as long as it takes him to decide on what he wants to do, but he knows that he's bad at keeping things from Yifan, the catboy having a way of seeing through him even when Yixing makes an effort to prevent him from doing so.
In the end, he can't hold his words in when Yifan asks him with concern if there's something wrong, if there's something worrying him. Yixing ends up telling him that there is a job offer he got that morning, and that it's been preoccupying his mind. He spills to the hybrid about it being from a company based in Shanghai, and that the job itself sounds very interesting, but that he's still very undecided. It's the truth, and since he got so many job offers from many different cities in China, Yifan doesn't seem put much thought into this one. He congratulates Yixing on having yet another company wants him, but then the feline side in him quickly resurfaces. After having had to concentrate at work all day, he just wants to curl around Yixing, wants the younger to pet him while he can purr against Yixing's chest, playfully biting his arm when he feels like it and soothing his tongue out over the aggravated spot immediately after.
Their usual afternoon ritual takes Yixing's mind off of the matter, and for a few hours he lets himself indulge in everything Yifan, soaking up the easy comfort of the other's presence provides him with. But no matter how easily the catboy brushed over the topic, the job offer stays in the back of Yixing's mind.
It's the hardest decision Yixing ever had to made, but in the end his choice is clear. This kind of job offer is something a freshly graduated student usually can only dream of, and he'd be one step closer to his goal of being able to support his parents by shouldering pretty much all of his and Yifan's living costs.
The conditions of the job are amazing, as are the promotion prospects. For Yixing in the last two years, his desire to work as a choreographer has been ever growing, and this is the absolute best company in the whole business. It does, however, mean that Yixing has to move to Shanghai, leaving Changsha and all its familiarity behind. Worse even, it means leaving the preschool and kindergarten Yifan is teaching at behind.
The catboy doesn't say with words just how attached he is to his job and the work environment he managed to find after months of fruitless searching. Despite the advances in hybrid rights the last few decades have brought, it is still unbelievably hard for a hybrid to find a job unrelated to either the entertainment industry or activities like waiting tables in a coffee shop or standing behind the checkout at some supermarket or Konbini. Many schools, way too many, are reluctant to give something as important as a position of teaching young children to a hybrid, arguing that that development stage is crucial and therefore they must employ the best person possible.
A stupid excuse, a baseless assumption that hybrids are not mentally fit to be teaching and Yixing had gotten angry on Yifan's behalf more times than he could care to count. Of course, hybrids do tend to have shorter attention spans than humans, and they occasionally react to scents and noises in an instinctual way, but that still doesn't mean it is impossible for them to perform the same work a human can.
Yifan is the best example for that. If anything, Yixing thinks he might be even better fit for the teaching position than any human is. He's patient, calm and the kids absolutely adore his silver hair, ears and the tail that always swishes around in excitement when one of them answers his questions correctly. The kindergarten group he's entrusted with usually huddles around him when he teaches them how to count to ten in English, or how to introduce themselves, and he lets them pet his head by means of saying goodbye when the class is over. Really, there is no more perfect occupation for Yifan, and Yixing, for the dear life of him, can't see Yifan losing it.
Never would he have thought that he would get at the point where he would have to decide between his own wishes and ambitions and Yifan. As a child it all seemed so easy, it was his decision to be Yifan's protector, so he would protect Yifan until the very end. When he moved in with Yifan, or rather Yifan moved in with him, everything seemed decided, settled. This was exactly how things would stay for the rest of their life, both of them together.
But graduating meant taking step into adult life Yixing thought he had already taken when he moved out and had to start taking care of himself. More than that is means however that decisions are no longer one-dimensional, there's no longer a simple "does it bring me closer to my goal or not?". Rather it was a question of priorities, about whether his multiple goals even fit together.
In this case, they don't and Yixing spends night over night tossing around in bed while sleep evades him in favour of his brain bringing up the same question over and over again, making him go through the pro's and con's and all possible consequences of his potential decisions.
He makes his decision with a heavy heart, and the guilt rests in his stomach like a heavy stone, making him feel sick. When he tells Yifan about his plans, about accepting the job offer, the catboy's body stills completely, as if he's in shock or unable to come up with a proper response.
Even though it tears Yixing apart internally, he still knows that it's important for Yifan to continue his work. The words taste like lead on his tongue, and he almost wants to gag around them, or swallow them right back down to not even give Yifan a choice and selfishly just take the hybrid with him to Shanghai. But he can't, he is selfish enough by making this decision, he can't take the choice from Yifan on top of that. So he forces out that there is the possibility for Yifan to remain, that he can move in back with Yixing's parents again and commute to his school from there.
Yifan looks hesitant, as if he wants to refuse right on the spot. They already tried that separation thing when they were 18 and 19 respectively, and neither likes remembering it. His ears fold back against his head as he bites lower lip to prevent the words of rejecting Yixing's offer from spilling out, and the internal battle Yixing witnesses is enough for him to think that he knows what's best for the catboy. He leans forward, brushing his hand through Yifan's hair, his fingers gliding along the taller's soft ears gently as he leans forward to brush his lips against Yifan's forehead, like he's used to doing whenever Yifan's upset ever since they were still children.
"Take your time to think about it, Fan. I will support you with whatever choice you make," he says in a silent voice, looking the catboy straight in the eyes and hoping that he could transport some of his guilt through them for putting Yifan into this situation.
Yifan is simultaneously withdrawn and even needier for cuddles for the next four days, and Yixing doesn't question, doesn't push him in any direction but rather gives the catboy whatever he wants, might that be silence or pressing close together on the couch while Yifan rubs his head against Yixing's shoulder, scenting him when there's nothing to cover up to begin with. They don't speak much during that time, but Yixing can see the gears in Yifan's head turning as he contemplates pros and cons, tries to discern whether he is willing to sacrifice the job he loves in order to be with Yixing. The younger man has never felt more guilty in his whole life than when he sees Yifan struggle, knowing he's the one who upset the balance they found.
On the fifth day, Yifan comes to him, shoulders slumped, tail curled around his thigh and ears drooping. Yixing feels his heart sink, despite all the mental preparation he got because he knew Yifan was going to choose this, but he forces a smile on his face. If anything, he has to make this as easy for Yifan as possible, showing him that his decision won't change Yixing's feelings at all. With a silent voice Yifan tells him that he won't be able to follow Yixing to Shanghai, that he can't just leave his kids in the middle of the school year. Yixing nods, and rises to encase Yifan in a hug he hopes is comforting.
"It'll be fine, Fan," he whispers, his hands gliding up and down Yifan's back, "I'll make sure to come by and visit as often as possible, and this doesn't have to be forever. We'll make it work for as long as it lasts." Yifan, by means of replying, just wraps himself around Yixing like a cocoon.
-o-
The weeks until his move fly past within the blink of an eye, and before Yixing knows it, he's already standing at the airport, two suitcases already checked in, leaving him with nothing but his worn out purple backpack and the feeling like he's about to throw up settled in his stomach. He already said his goodbye to his parents, tearful on their side and carefully controlled on his, so now all that's left is to part with the catboy. Yifan doesn't cry, so Yixing tells himself he won't either. What he fears the most is that Yifan will grow distant, or that he will resent Yixing for being selfish. If he were to look at the younger with cold disinterest, Yixing wouldn't even be able to blame him.
Yifan is wearing that blue sweater, which makes everything better and a million times worse at the same time. It speaks of Yifan still trusting Yixing to keep his promise, that he'll keep holding on to everything being with Yixing means to him. Yet, at the same time, it reminds Yixing that with every kilometer between them he's not fulfilling the duty he'd swore to fulfill all his life.
"I'm sorry." is what he wants to say, but the words die on his tongue; he doesn't want their parting to taste like stale, meaningless apologies. He made the choice, and now he has to stick with it. So instead he moves closer, carefully, keeping an open eye for any signs that Yifan might not want such intimacy right then, but the catboy remains rooted to the ground. His softening gaze is the only indication of him actually welcoming the touch when Yixing winds his arms around Yifan's waist pulling himself close to the taller's body, resting his head against Yifan's broad chest.
It still surprises him at times just how much Yifan has grown, how much he has changed from the small, slender boy he used to be when Yixing first saw him. Changed physically, that is, because when Yifan folds around him just like he always does, lowering his head until it's resting on Yixing's shoulder, giving him a chance to inhale his own scent clinging to the younger's skin, Yixing knows that on the inside Yifan is still the same.
"I will be back in a month," Yixing promises, already having booked his first plane tickets back home right after he made his decision. A month seems awfully long, but Yixing reasons that it's better than nothing. They will be able to make it through a month at least without seeing each other, he tries to persuade himself. He feels Yifan nod against his shoulder in silent response.
Then it's time to part for real, Yixing already having to hurry to make it through security and to his gate for boarding. He feels a little overdramatic, having to fight tears as he steps away. They're both grown adults at that point, he's no longer eight years old, and neither is he losing Yifan, nor is this goodbye the end of the world. It's a shame that telling himself that like a mantra, over and over again does not help with dissipating the tightness in his chest at all. The middle-aged woman who is sitting in the seat next to him gives him a tissue thirty minutes into the flight because he keeps on sniffling, and only then does he realize that his vision is slightly clouded by the tears brimming in his eyes. He accepts it with a smile, hoping to reassure the lady who looks at him with a doubtful gaze but doesn't prod any further. In the end she gives him the whole package, telling him in a motherly tone that he seems to need it more than she does. Even though he wants to refuse, he has to agree with her because the tears keep reappearing. He reasons it's his own fault though, since he keeps on looking at the picture he took of Yifan in the aiport, wanting to have a reminder of how the catboy looks like wearing the sweater Yixing gifted him years ago. When they land, his eyes burn and Yixing can't help but wonder whether he's slightly masochistic for being unable to stop looking at his phone.
It takes him around two hours to make it from the airport to his new home because in his haze he accidentally gets onto the wrong subway, having to take a detour as soon as he realizes his mistake. He doesn't even take note of the restaurant selling his favourite dish right at the beginning of the street, or the quaint little coffee shop because he's simply exhausted, and all he wants is to finally fall into bed.
He thanks the heavens when he eventually unlocks the flat and discovers that his future company had already arranged for the most essential furniture to be present, so all he needs to do is take off his shoes, drop his suitcases unceremoniously in the hallway and trudge towards the single room at the far end of the flat. The apartment is small, smaller even than the one he used to live in with Yifan but he feels as if it's size is almost unbearably big, and he doesn't know how he's supposed to fill all this space.
A few pictures on the walls, a bit more furniture and this will be really nice, he tries to comfort himself, but the words don't really have any effect on his mood. He's never been very good at deluding himself. Getting into bed that night is something he dreads, because he already knows that he will feel cold no matter how warm he sets the AC.
He video calls his parents before he goes to sleep, with the excuse of reassuring them that everything went well and he's settled into his new home as best as he can. In reality he just wants to see Yifan. He surprisingly manages to keep his composure, but he still sleeps with one of Yifan's favourite shirts as night wear, having stolen it from the catboy's cupboard in a spur-of-the-moment decision when he was packing his last bag yesterday night, unable to resist the temptation. At least it smells like home, even when neither the flat nor the bed feel like it at all.
( ♣ ♣)