While Your Lips Are Still Red
Title: While Your Lips Are Still Red
Pairing: Fanxing
Rating: PG
Length: ~2.6k
Summary: Yifan knows that the conversion is an honour, a mandatory step of progression in their society but he doesn’t think he’s ready for the parting that comes with it.
A/N: I hadn't planned on writing this, it just suddenly happened o___o
While Your Lips Are Still Red
Yifan watches as the colour drains from Yixing’s lips. It’s a gradual process, taking much longer than Yifan expected it to. He doesn’t know why he thought it would happen within days when he’s been taught multiple time in school that it takes weeks, sometimes even months. So despite the fact that he should know better he sits and watches, watches and struggles with his emotions. It is a good sign that the drain of colour happens smoothly, in slow steps. It means it’s all working out, and yet something inside Yifan rebels against the sight of Yixing sitting in the white bed, covered with white linen, his once red lips fading to blue.
They have talked about it a lot ever since they got the notification that Yixing has been chosen. Yifan thinks he should be ready-proud even that his half was chosen already-but even though he has come to terms with it doesn’t mean he feels ready to let go. Yifan will follow Yixing when the right time comes, within a few years at most. He knows, and he anticipates, but it doesn’t stop him from dreading the period of separation.
It’s weird, Yifan muses while he holds Yixing’s hand, watching the smile of the smaller's pale lips and mirroring it with one of his own, how Yixing’s going through the conversion before Yifan does, even though the other is a few years younger. But Yifan knows, the conversion isn’t about age; it’s about being ready, and apparently he is not ready while Yixing is. So he watches the colour drain from Yixing’s lips, knowing that the bluer they get, the closer separation gets.
冰
Yixing is allowed to go home for two weeks before the parting ceremony, and for the last week Yifan is exempted from his task, so that he has the chance to spend as much time with his half as possible. He does, not parting with Yixing at all for the whole seven days, and Yixing doesn’t mind. On the contrary, he’s just as needy for Yifan’s company. They’re both trying to soak up as much closeness as they can, enough to get them through the time they’ll be apart. It will never be enough, Yifan thinks, his heart clenching painfully as he watches Yixing sleep next to him, white hair dishevelled, his blueish lips slightly parted as he’s snoring softly. Yifan loved the younger's dark brown hair and red lips, and he hates the white and blue for all their implications. But it’s the system, and it works.
They are not the first whole to have gone through this-they are far from being the first, and as a child Yifan was always looking forward to this, to being ready for conversion. Yixing must be excited, and it’s not Yifan’s place to hold him back. Everything has a reason, the conversion does, the separation does, and Yifan tries to seek comfort in these thoughts as he moves to hold Yixing close.
As is the custom, Yifan dresses in white on their last day and Yixing dons the black coat that had been waiting for him at home when he returned from the changing faculties. They walk to the gathering hall hand in hand. There are dozens of other people milling around; normal citizens, other wholes chosen for the parting, wholes who have not been chosen yet, families. It’s a big event, the parting, and everyone who doesn’t have to attend their task is present.
Yifan is eternally grateful that it’s not required of them to stand in separate sections already, and no one demands of him to let go of Yixing yet. He doesn’t know if he had been able to tell his hand to release the grip he has on Yixing. Not a second earlier than is absolutely necessary, he tells himself. All wholes are sorted to stand according to age, so Yixing and Yifan are somewhere in the middle, a bit more towards the end than the beginning. And yet Yifan feels as if it’s their turn to head forward way too quickly. It’s Yixing’s tug of his hand that sets him into motion, and he follows his half almost on autopilot up to the podium.
They come to a halt in front of the official that has been chosen to oversee the ceremony, and they bow in unison to him, before turning to bow to the audience, and finally turning to face each other, bowing again. It reminds Yifan a little of the unification ceremony, just that back then he had been giddy and smiley and now he’s uneasy and stern faced. And yet when he looks at Yixing he feels like it’s their unification ceremony again, warmth emerging in him just from the sight of his half. They share a small smile, almost like a secret code while the official starts his little speech. It’s the same for all the wholes, so the audience knows it by heart, and Yifan and Yixing aren’t listening either, too lost in looking at each other. The droning voice of the official is a background noise, but eventually they get to the part where it’s their turn to speak up.
“We have been chosen for life, so my life will be on hold until we are together again, half of my heart.” Yixing is composed, so utterly composed as he recites the formalized clauses, and Yifan has to fight to keep a reign on his own emotions. They have had their emotional goodbye already, away from all formalities and the public eye, knowing that the public parting ceremony would not be the right place for it.
“We have been chosen for life, “ Yifan echoes the words, “so my life will not go on until we are together again, half of my heart.”
And it’s bad conduct-even though expressions of affection between wholes are encouraged within a certain range, the parting ceremony has an official character and should thus be conducted in an orderly manner-but at that moment Yifan can only think screw conduct as he steps forward to claim Yixing’s lips in a kiss. Yixing has always been the more rule-abiding one of the two, and he values good conduct, Yifan knows, but he just simply can’t help himself. And Yixing’s hands automatically rise to Yifan’s hips, gripping the fabric of Yifan’s shirt as he kisses back, for once uncaring of good conduct.
When he pulls back, Yifan imagines that he might have kissed a bit of the colour back to Yixing’s lips, but he knows it’s an illusion. They are just as pale as they were before the kiss.
His hands move from where he’s been gently holding Yixing’s head to cup his cheeks instead. They stay close, close enough that Yifan can count Yixing’s lashes. Yixing has to speak next, and he whispers the phrases. They are as ritualized as everything they say during the parting ceremony is, and yet they belong only to themselves at that moment. “I will see you on the other side, half of my heart.” Yixing is good at suppressing his emotions, but Yifan still hears the slight tremble in his voice. He desperately wants to move forward to press his lips to Yixing’s again, but he already stepped out of line once, and it’s all he’s allowed.
“I will meet you again soon, half of my heart.” Yifan responds, voice even more silent than Yixing’s, but the younger hears him and accepts the words with closed eyes and a small nod. Yifan wonders if Yixing only closed his eyes so that the taller would not be able to see the emotions brimming in them. He doesn’t get the time to contemplate on that for long, however, as the ceremonial helper steps forward, and Yifan is forced to move a bit away from Yixing. Shrugging out of his coat, Yifan hands the white piece of clothing to the helper before turning back to Yixing, ready-not ready-to progress to the final part of the ceremony.
“This coat will keep you warm when I can’t. Wear it as a sign that you’re an other half, and as a reminder that I’m waiting for you.” Yixing moves forward and drapes the black jacket he’d been wearing around Yifan’s shoulders. With a slight inclination of his head, Yifan accepts the gift. As soon as the younger has fastened the hook at the top, making the jacket hang around Yifan’s shoulders like a cape, the taller turns to receive his own coat from the helper, who silently steps back again as soon as his task is completed.
“This coat will keep you warm when I can’t. Wear it as a sign that you’re an other half, and as a reminder that we’ll meet again.” Yifan says, and he’s happy that all the ceremonial phrases have been ingrained in his brain for as long as he can remember because in that moment he can’t properly think, only go through the steps automatically by muscle memory as he repeats Yixing’s actions, wrapping the smaller one in his own jacket. Once he’s done, he straightens his back, carefully schooling his features into a blank expression. They start by bowing to each other, then to the audience, and finally to the official again. The middle-aged man speaks the final phrases. “Linked even when apart, you’re still a whole even if you’re not together. Draw strength from that knowledge during the trials of separation. Your reunion will be twice as joyful as your parting is painful.”
They repeat the words in unison, speaking of “we” instead of “you” or “I”, as a last sign of unification. Then they both turn so that they’re back to back and exit the stage on opposite sides, without looking at each other. Yifan moves to stand with the other halfs who remain, all clad in black, and looking forcedly to the front. From here he can’t see Yixing, can’t see any of the converted halfs. They have been parted, and it would negate the ceremony if they were to see each other now. Yifan can see his own feelings reflected on every single face of the halfs surrounding him, in the expressions forcedly devoid of any sign of emotion. Standing here, among all the other halfs, all of them going through the same thing, is somehow comforting, he realizes.
It’s not goodbye, Yifan repeats to himself as the next whole steps onto the podium to go through the ritual he and Yixing just completed. It’s change, it’s progression. Not goodbye.
雪
It’s late at night when Yifan sneaks out. Technically they have curfew already but it’s been three months since the parting ceremony, and Yifan remembers the promise he urged Yixing into giving him on their last night together. Yixing’s black coat has stopped smelling like the younger, but it still gives Yifan comfort when he draws it a little closer around his frame. Additionally its colour helps him with blending into the night, which is a very welcome side effect.
He makes it to the edge of the city without being seen, and even further through the woods, until he eventually arrives at the outer walls of the dome. The world is dark except for the soft light of the moon. It is enough for Yifan to see the snowflakes dancing outside the glass barrier, falling as they always are. With the white snow covering the ground Yifan can see way further than the sparse illumination of the moon might have suggested. He looks around, a strange mixture of calm and frantic, looking for the shape that’s imprinted behind his eyelids everytime he closes his eyes.
It takes him a bit to spot Yixing with his all-white attire, emerging from the trees, but as soon as he sees him his heart picks up speed, as if it could break through the wall if only it beat quick enough. Yixing smiles as soon as his eyes fall on Yifan, and his steps get slightly quicker. He wades through the deep snow with so much naturalness that Yifan can’t help but understand why he was chosen for conversion already when Yifan wasn’t.
Once the younger reaches the barrier, he immediately lifts his hands to splay them against the surface of the dome. It must be freezing from the outside, but Yixing doesn’t seem to mind, or even notice, as his eyes are fixed on Yifan. The taller repeats the motion, touching the glass at the same height as Yixing is. If it weren’t for the wall they would be touching, and the thought, the almost-proximity brings Yifan a strange sense of comfort. He expected his feelings to go haywire at seeing Yixing again after so long, but instead he feels something settle inside of him.
The younger’s white hair and pale lips fit his surroundings, and while Yifan remembers hating the colours on the day of parting, he can’t help marvelling at how ethereal Yixing looks right then, with the snowflakes catching in his lashes, and his light blue eyes seeming to reflect the moonlight.
“Hello.” The younger mouthes, and Yifan repeats the word soundlessly, mirroring the small smile on Yixing’s lips. He has so many things he wants to say, wants to know. What Yixing has been doing, what the outside world is like, how he’s coping with being apart. But he knows that these things will have to wait until he has been undergone his own conversion and is allowed to be united with Yixing again. Technically they’re forbidden from seeing each other at all before that time has come, but Yifan is pretty sure they’re not the first whole to disregard that rule. Once-that’s how often the officials will overlook it, Yifan’s been told in confidence.
He wonders if he should have kept his once for some other time, when he would have needed to see his half more, perhaps after a year, but simultaneously he feels as if he was at his limit already, his limit of how long he could go without seeing Yixing. He leans forward until he can rest his forehead against the cool surface, and even as he closes his eyes he knows that Yixing is doing the same. They are separated, but in that moment Yifan feels as if he’s able to touch Yixing, his forehead resting against the younger’s and he feels warm. He feels at peace.
温
When he sleeps that night, burrowed into the queen-sized bed he’s been using ever since Yixing’s departure, he dreams of his half. They’re in the hall of gathering again, the one where they were unified and parted, and Yifan doesn’t know whether there is an audience, whether there are officials present and why he’s there. He doesn’t care either because Yixing is there, standing rooted to the spot just like Yifan when they see each other.
Then, suddenly, there is a flurry of motion and the next thing Yifan knows he holding Yixing in his arms, and Yixing has his hands balled into the back of his shirt, and they’re kissing as if they can only breathe with their lips connected, as if they need the connection for surviving. Yixing’s lips aren’t the way there were when they first met anymore, they aren’t red anymore, and his fingertips are cold where Yifan feels them press into his flesh through the fabric of his clothes, but he doesn’t think anything has ever felt better than that kiss does.
Yixing tastes like snow.
The next morning Yifan wakes up with tingling lips and fingertips and the notification that his conversion will start in the following week blinking on the screen beside his bed.
永
A/N: What just happened? I only wanted to jot down a sentence so I wouldn't forget it and when I next looked up there were 2.5k words in my word document o___O I bet this was mighty confusing, I’m sorry.