Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
The past couple of weeks have been pretty interesting in our house, for a variety of reasons. And for once, none of those reasons relate to video games or geekery. They're actually normal person problems, which is astounding in and of itself. Normal people problems. Hrm.
It's interesting to me, first of all, that when a pregnancy would be a bad thing, I'm quick to post places about my pregnancy scare, but when it would be a good thing, I don't want to tell a soul, just in case I'm wrong.
The past week, I've been feeling incredibly barfy in the morning and tired all over. The ladies I work with swore up and down that I was pregnant, started forcing me to eat all their healthy foods, barring me from my usual at work diet, throwing saltines at me, and telling me knowingly "oh, you're young, you'll see. In a couple of months, you'll be our excuse to eat everything!" My own mother was a little more skeptical, saying that it could've just been a stomach bug or I might've eaten something off. And Kyle, of course, has been in a panic ever since things happened.
But today, I got my period hardcore at 5 a.m. You know what I mean. When you wake up at 5 a.m. and it feels like a giant fist of rage is crushing your uterus and twisting it and being like "RARGH" forever. And I'm... I don't know. I'm not heartbroken, but I'm not happy. I'm somewhere between. For once, being pregnant wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I mean, not that it would ever have been the worst thing ever, but we're married now, in a stable place, with health insurance and some money. It's not the 100% best situation, but it's workable. A little soon, but workable.
I was starting to get excited. Kat was too. She was telling me that she wasn't this excited about her best friend from high school having a kid, but she was excited for me. And I was thinking how fun it could be, you know, a baby boy or a baby girl. Of course, it wouldn't be 24/7 good times. Babies come with poop and puke and screaming and all that, but... I dunno. I was okay with that.
So... not heartbroken, but still kind of sad. I think Kyle is, too, though not as much, since he was having that "I am the man, I need to provide" freak out. At least this buys time and such.
The other problem comes in that my boss, M---, told us this week that there may be layoffs at work. It's not hugely likely, since they've found money since the idea of layoffs first came up, but besides closing the underperforming California and Florida offices, they're thinking of scrapping the entire marketing department. This would be a ridiculous move for the company on many levels, since the marketing department is the only reason our proposals look like grown-ups wrote them (with much love and affection to our engineers and technical staff, but engineers and technical staff are frequently horrible writers), but it's still a possibility. We're finding out for sure tomorrow.
I'm kind of-- eh. About the whole thing. I don't want to lose this job, because I enjoy working here and I enjoy my coworkers (save for H---), but at this point, this has happened to me so many times that I just have come to expect it. That might be shooting myself in the foot, that expectation, but I guess... I don't know. It doesn't surprise me. I'm doing some amazing work there, and I'm applying and dedicating myself and all of those things, but at the same time, I've kind of come to expect the rug to be pulled out from under me.
I don't want to lose this job, not so soon. If I have to, I'd rather just hold onto it until Kyle has something, at the very least. Even better would be six months or a year, but it's been not quite four and that's frustrating. It's the economy, it's not me, but you just start to get that feeling that maybe it is you, even if it isn't.
I wish... I wish we could afford for me to just stay home and write. Without Kyle working, though, that's an impossibility. And that is just as frustrating.
It's interesting to me, first of all, that when a pregnancy would be a bad thing, I'm quick to post places about my pregnancy scare, but when it would be a good thing, I don't want to tell a soul, just in case I'm wrong.
The past week, I've been feeling incredibly barfy in the morning and tired all over. The ladies I work with swore up and down that I was pregnant, started forcing me to eat all their healthy foods, barring me from my usual at work diet, throwing saltines at me, and telling me knowingly "oh, you're young, you'll see. In a couple of months, you'll be our excuse to eat everything!" My own mother was a little more skeptical, saying that it could've just been a stomach bug or I might've eaten something off. And Kyle, of course, has been in a panic ever since things happened.
But today, I got my period hardcore at 5 a.m. You know what I mean. When you wake up at 5 a.m. and it feels like a giant fist of rage is crushing your uterus and twisting it and being like "RARGH" forever. And I'm... I don't know. I'm not heartbroken, but I'm not happy. I'm somewhere between. For once, being pregnant wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I mean, not that it would ever have been the worst thing ever, but we're married now, in a stable place, with health insurance and some money. It's not the 100% best situation, but it's workable. A little soon, but workable.
I was starting to get excited. Kat was too. She was telling me that she wasn't this excited about her best friend from high school having a kid, but she was excited for me. And I was thinking how fun it could be, you know, a baby boy or a baby girl. Of course, it wouldn't be 24/7 good times. Babies come with poop and puke and screaming and all that, but... I dunno. I was okay with that.
So... not heartbroken, but still kind of sad. I think Kyle is, too, though not as much, since he was having that "I am the man, I need to provide" freak out. At least this buys time and such.
The other problem comes in that my boss, M---, told us this week that there may be layoffs at work. It's not hugely likely, since they've found money since the idea of layoffs first came up, but besides closing the underperforming California and Florida offices, they're thinking of scrapping the entire marketing department. This would be a ridiculous move for the company on many levels, since the marketing department is the only reason our proposals look like grown-ups wrote them (with much love and affection to our engineers and technical staff, but engineers and technical staff are frequently horrible writers), but it's still a possibility. We're finding out for sure tomorrow.
I'm kind of-- eh. About the whole thing. I don't want to lose this job, because I enjoy working here and I enjoy my coworkers (save for H---), but at this point, this has happened to me so many times that I just have come to expect it. That might be shooting myself in the foot, that expectation, but I guess... I don't know. It doesn't surprise me. I'm doing some amazing work there, and I'm applying and dedicating myself and all of those things, but at the same time, I've kind of come to expect the rug to be pulled out from under me.
I don't want to lose this job, not so soon. If I have to, I'd rather just hold onto it until Kyle has something, at the very least. Even better would be six months or a year, but it's been not quite four and that's frustrating. It's the economy, it's not me, but you just start to get that feeling that maybe it is you, even if it isn't.
I wish... I wish we could afford for me to just stay home and write. Without Kyle working, though, that's an impossibility. And that is just as frustrating.