When you can't stand the heat...
Get out of the kitchen and fire the cook for burning everything.
The people in this play are as follows.
-Person A
-Person B
-Group A
-Group B
-Hella Bitch
Act 1: Misinformation
The day started out like any other. I had awoken to a warm smell of summer air trailing into fall. Waking up from my unconscious slumber, I- fuck I can't continue this for long.
Anyway. Person A and B need help moving. We go to their house and it turns out that there's a whole party there. I've helped move person A and B before, and it was just them two and me and a friend, four people in total. Now there's roughly 7? Something's strange.
There's Group A, who belongs to Hella Bitch...
and Group B, who are all friends of Person A and B. (We're all part of this group fyi. Hurhur)
We start to move stuff from this decrepit and run-down house which belongs to Person A's mom, who is going to be referred to from this point on as Hella Bitch.
So Hella Bitch's house is horribly run down and dirty and we suddenly were suckered into helping by everyone there because she took it upon herself to move in with Person A and B because she was desperate, fell into her own rut and couldn't get out and was relying HEAVILY on Person A and B and group A.
You may be wondering why I refer to her as Hella Bitch. Here are a few reasons and later more will become apparant.
Imagine a pack rat...
Now imagine a pack rat with an insatiable love for animals...
Now imagine a pack rat with an insatiable love for animals who has no common sense...
NOW imagine a pack rat with an insatiable love for animals, who has no common sense, who has a house that isn't big enough to hold all of her things...
NOW imagine a pack rat with an insatiable love for animals, who has no common sense, who has a house that isn't big enough to hold all of her things who wants you to help her move.
...
*makes random Lewis Black angry hand gestures*
...
To scope just how many animals she had, I took a rough estimate in my head. Mind you this is rough give or take a few.
*ahem*
- Twelve cats. (Combination long and short hairs, bitch and non-bitchy, kitten and cat alike)
- Eight dogs (Pomeranians, Terriers, Chihuahuas, et cetera)
- Twenty something birds
- Several dozen fish
This may not seem like much to some, but when you stick them all into a house that's barely big enough for a 4 person family... it gets cramped really quick.
Hella Bitch's house had feces, urine, dirt and any other piece of filth you could possibly imagine, caked onto everything she owned... which she -ALSO- wanted to move. Hella Bitch's look on it is "Well I paid money for it, I should get to keep it."
I couldn't walk into it for more than 5 minutes without my eyes tearing up and my body physically convulsing cause it was so nasty. AND SHE LIVED HERE.
Her house was going under cause she lost her business due to stupid mistakes that she made and was now being seized by the IRS.
Person A could not convince Hella Bitch that we were just there to help move Person A and B, and it turns out that Person A and B's stuff was already packed into the U-Haul first without them knowing. There was already too much stuff to unpack because it would've taken even more time that we didn't have at this point. We were supposed to take their stuff, drive to Iowa, unpack stay at a hotel, then me and my friend were going to drive back home.
Yeah that didn't happen.
After moving and touching every urine/feces soaked item, inhaling every single airborne allergen and moving a very, very heavy 1,000lb Jukebox that had to be older than me (Was born in 84 by the way) up 5 steps (which felt like 5 flights of steps because the hallway up the stairs was wide enough -just- for the jukebox and nobody else (and nobody there could lift 1,000lbs alone without two other people helping on one side alone)) only to find out that we weren't going to move it at all. *stabs someone*
We finally got everything into the truck and at this point, it was already almost 3. We were planning to leave around then because driving would take the U-Haul 6 hours to make it staying at a constant 45, and us 4 hours to drive along the speed limits along the way. So right now we're already way behind schedule and we were told we'd be compensated in Food, gas money and toll money for the ENTIRE trip..
Yeah that didn't happen either.
Hella Bitch informed us that she'd compensate all of this before we started... She didn't feed us for helping move her stuff, she didn't give us money for tolls -or- for gas. Everything was unexpectedly taken out of our own pockets for helping someone else move all of her dirty, dirty shit.
To make matters worse, neither groups have eaten all day and Group A suddenly comes back with food for them all to eat... but none for Group B. They didn't ask or offer or share. They just ate in front of us.
Person A and B also have a child, two kittens, three cats and a chipmunk that need care and need to get to the new place asap.
Oh, to make matters even worse, want to know the full extent as to how much stuff she had? Just her and nobody else? She filled the U-Haul completely...
...
This doesn't sound impressive to you?
http://www.uhaul.com/guide/index.aspx?equipment=truck-26
She had -THAT- truck.
... SHE FILLED IT.
Most of the stuff, 80% of it -literally- could have been burned and she would've been fine with what she had left.
SHE FUCKING FILLED A 26'SUPER MOVER...
BY...
HERSELF...
Person A and B only had 8 boxes respectively that was in that truck...
...
BY HERSELF!!one!11!
Anyway...
La de da cut ahead several hours later. The U-Haul finally leaves ahead of us an hour or so. We're halfway on our trip, 2 hours, and it turns out that the U-Haul hasn't left yet. (It was driven by Group B by the way) So whatever. We finally get there and it's roughly 8pm. Group B is essentially there, but the problem is that it was 8pm and the U-Haul was halfway there.
Now here's more information regarding how clueless Hella Bitch is.
1)he hasn't seen the house she bought.
2)She hasn't heard much about and hasn't gotten much information on it at all.
3)She bought the house, as is, without seeing it and without discussing it with the landlord or previous tenants (if there were any).
This house, is 1/2 the size of her old house. It's quite literally a doll-house compared to my 6'3' tall stature. The walls and siding are in poor condition. Peeling paint, bad foundation, loose and exposed wires. Dilapidated basement with centipedes and spiders crawling around. The rooms are puny and none of the space there would be enough to fit everything that she owns... do add in the fact that she had all those animals was even worse. It would be moving from one health code violation to another -AND- she suggested that Person A and B stay with her with their child and pets...
Completely unacceptable.
We were literally laughing as we walked around the house. We didn't care for waking the neighbors. It wasn't our concern.
The U-Haul finally gets there at 10:30pm with half of Group B. They all get out of the U-Haul carrying beer...
That's right, beer.
...this was the classic 'omgwtf' moment that washed over our faces.
So now we're even more pissed. So we figure, alright, fuck it, whatever, let's just get our stuff and get out of here. So now we're unloading this massive truck with little to no help from Group A. We're being nice about it at first... for the first 20 minutes, then we started to wrangle up people. We wanted to be nice and civil about it. Don't yell at anyone, make everyone feel comfortable and let everyone know we're on the same team...
*coughbullshitcough* But you understand where I'm coming from, right? If they all behave and cooperate, we can get this job done in less than an hour.
Without much help, it took Group B (my group) less than 30 minutes to unload half of the truck and onto the lawn where it would be sorted by Hella bitch and told where to go.
With Group A and B, it took us 3 hours for some god-awful reason.
It's now almost 2am and we're almost to the back. Group A starts to stall by saying they're tired (By the way, Group A is a bunch of people who are much much older and stronger than Group B and Group B is still going without much rest)-AND- they're talking about leaving.
That's right, group A who came to help Hella Bitch is now leaving 3/4 into the job. While Group B is now finally getting all of the stuff together to leave.
We manage to wrangle them up and get them all to help move the last few boxes onto the lawn, then as we're inside and wandering around getting things situated, Group B in it's ENTIRETY just up and leaves. So now, being the nice people that we are, it has now fallen to our responsibility to get as much of the stuff into the house as we could. Fuck moving the stuff that was too heavy, we all took what we could and threw it anywhere we could.
We only managed to get 1/4 of it in before 3:30 rolled around.
By the way. The whole way driving there, in Person A and B's car, the cats were quarreling in their cage, restless and moody. The chipmunk was spazing, the kittens were adorable and sleeping funny enough, the kid was getting sick, cranky and moody, Person A (who's son to Hella Bitch) is getting sick as well, and Person B is starting to freak out, hyperventilate, black out and get sick. To top it all off, Person B has anger issues and literally starts screaming up a storm.
Rewind a bit, most of this (minus the screaming) is happening before the U-Haul is even there.
Fast-Foward a bit.
3:30 hits and I noticed that for the past 20 minutes, someone from Group B is on the phone, talking nervously, intently and at points, hysterically over the phone. Turns out his wife is having chest pains and is currently in the hospital, panicking cause she needs to get transferred and the hospital refuses to help. We realize this situation is serious, and we figure now we can't take it anymore.
Hella bitch got us into this mess, Hella bitch brought this upon herself and it was unanimously decided that she was going to handle the rest on her own. We weren't even supposed to help her at all, or come here and move her things around. Now we're done and we have to help our friend's wife. We all pack up, give her the chewing-out of a life-time, then leave.
Trust me, she deserves every bit of it with how immature she acted, with how POORLY she planned the move, how much injury we suffered for her even though we weren't supposed to help -and- with how she put us through such hazardous conditions without compensation, pay, food and proper time management. She's fully capable to take care of herself. She isn't mentally handicapped... just plain ol fashioned stupid. And she took advantage of the kind and generous nature of 8 people, trotted all over them and worked them to the bone.
By the way, my friend who asked me to come help move Person A and B, paid for the gas, my food and the hotel room to house us as thanks for me taking the time of my weekend to come help. Turns out he ended up spending more than thought and I had to help as well.
Don't worry, Person A and B thoroughly compensated us with a massive feast (like they were planning to) and many many hugs.
Hella Bitch, who we did most of the work for, didn't give us anything, not even a thank you.
... that's why she's hella bitch.
I might've left many things out, but for the most part... that was my weekend. Ended up getting home just an hour ago. Exhausted. Sore, bruised and ultimately battered to the point where I don't want to carry another object again.
Plus, I now realized that I had no idea people like her still existed. I thought her own stupidity and carelessness would've killed her and her kind years ago. They must have an immunity for that sort of thing.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go quarantine myself and go die in a ditch or something.
The people in this play are as follows.
-Person A
-Person B
-Group A
-Group B
-Hella Bitch
Act 1: Misinformation
The day started out like any other. I had awoken to a warm smell of summer air trailing into fall. Waking up from my unconscious slumber, I- fuck I can't continue this for long.
Anyway. Person A and B need help moving. We go to their house and it turns out that there's a whole party there. I've helped move person A and B before, and it was just them two and me and a friend, four people in total. Now there's roughly 7? Something's strange.
There's Group A, who belongs to Hella Bitch...
and Group B, who are all friends of Person A and B. (We're all part of this group fyi. Hurhur)
We start to move stuff from this decrepit and run-down house which belongs to Person A's mom, who is going to be referred to from this point on as Hella Bitch.
So Hella Bitch's house is horribly run down and dirty and we suddenly were suckered into helping by everyone there because she took it upon herself to move in with Person A and B because she was desperate, fell into her own rut and couldn't get out and was relying HEAVILY on Person A and B and group A.
You may be wondering why I refer to her as Hella Bitch. Here are a few reasons and later more will become apparant.
Imagine a pack rat...
Now imagine a pack rat with an insatiable love for animals...
Now imagine a pack rat with an insatiable love for animals who has no common sense...
NOW imagine a pack rat with an insatiable love for animals, who has no common sense, who has a house that isn't big enough to hold all of her things...
NOW imagine a pack rat with an insatiable love for animals, who has no common sense, who has a house that isn't big enough to hold all of her things who wants you to help her move.
...
*makes random Lewis Black angry hand gestures*
...
To scope just how many animals she had, I took a rough estimate in my head. Mind you this is rough give or take a few.
*ahem*
- Twelve cats. (Combination long and short hairs, bitch and non-bitchy, kitten and cat alike)
- Eight dogs (Pomeranians, Terriers, Chihuahuas, et cetera)
- Twenty something birds
- Several dozen fish
This may not seem like much to some, but when you stick them all into a house that's barely big enough for a 4 person family... it gets cramped really quick.
Hella Bitch's house had feces, urine, dirt and any other piece of filth you could possibly imagine, caked onto everything she owned... which she -ALSO- wanted to move. Hella Bitch's look on it is "Well I paid money for it, I should get to keep it."
I couldn't walk into it for more than 5 minutes without my eyes tearing up and my body physically convulsing cause it was so nasty. AND SHE LIVED HERE.
Her house was going under cause she lost her business due to stupid mistakes that she made and was now being seized by the IRS.
Person A could not convince Hella Bitch that we were just there to help move Person A and B, and it turns out that Person A and B's stuff was already packed into the U-Haul first without them knowing. There was already too much stuff to unpack because it would've taken even more time that we didn't have at this point. We were supposed to take their stuff, drive to Iowa, unpack stay at a hotel, then me and my friend were going to drive back home.
Yeah that didn't happen.
After moving and touching every urine/feces soaked item, inhaling every single airborne allergen and moving a very, very heavy 1,000lb Jukebox that had to be older than me (Was born in 84 by the way) up 5 steps (which felt like 5 flights of steps because the hallway up the stairs was wide enough -just- for the jukebox and nobody else (and nobody there could lift 1,000lbs alone without two other people helping on one side alone)) only to find out that we weren't going to move it at all. *stabs someone*
We finally got everything into the truck and at this point, it was already almost 3. We were planning to leave around then because driving would take the U-Haul 6 hours to make it staying at a constant 45, and us 4 hours to drive along the speed limits along the way. So right now we're already way behind schedule and we were told we'd be compensated in Food, gas money and toll money for the ENTIRE trip..
Yeah that didn't happen either.
Hella Bitch informed us that she'd compensate all of this before we started... She didn't feed us for helping move her stuff, she didn't give us money for tolls -or- for gas. Everything was unexpectedly taken out of our own pockets for helping someone else move all of her dirty, dirty shit.
To make matters worse, neither groups have eaten all day and Group A suddenly comes back with food for them all to eat... but none for Group B. They didn't ask or offer or share. They just ate in front of us.
Person A and B also have a child, two kittens, three cats and a chipmunk that need care and need to get to the new place asap.
Oh, to make matters even worse, want to know the full extent as to how much stuff she had? Just her and nobody else? She filled the U-Haul completely...
...
This doesn't sound impressive to you?
http://www.uhaul.com/guide/index.aspx?equipment=truck-26
She had -THAT- truck.
... SHE FILLED IT.
Most of the stuff, 80% of it -literally- could have been burned and she would've been fine with what she had left.
SHE FUCKING FILLED A 26'SUPER MOVER...
BY...
HERSELF...
Person A and B only had 8 boxes respectively that was in that truck...
...
BY HERSELF!!one!11!
Anyway...
La de da cut ahead several hours later. The U-Haul finally leaves ahead of us an hour or so. We're halfway on our trip, 2 hours, and it turns out that the U-Haul hasn't left yet. (It was driven by Group B by the way) So whatever. We finally get there and it's roughly 8pm. Group B is essentially there, but the problem is that it was 8pm and the U-Haul was halfway there.
Now here's more information regarding how clueless Hella Bitch is.
1)he hasn't seen the house she bought.
2)She hasn't heard much about and hasn't gotten much information on it at all.
3)She bought the house, as is, without seeing it and without discussing it with the landlord or previous tenants (if there were any).
This house, is 1/2 the size of her old house. It's quite literally a doll-house compared to my 6'3' tall stature. The walls and siding are in poor condition. Peeling paint, bad foundation, loose and exposed wires. Dilapidated basement with centipedes and spiders crawling around. The rooms are puny and none of the space there would be enough to fit everything that she owns... do add in the fact that she had all those animals was even worse. It would be moving from one health code violation to another -AND- she suggested that Person A and B stay with her with their child and pets...
Completely unacceptable.
We were literally laughing as we walked around the house. We didn't care for waking the neighbors. It wasn't our concern.
The U-Haul finally gets there at 10:30pm with half of Group B. They all get out of the U-Haul carrying beer...
That's right, beer.
...this was the classic 'omgwtf' moment that washed over our faces.
So now we're even more pissed. So we figure, alright, fuck it, whatever, let's just get our stuff and get out of here. So now we're unloading this massive truck with little to no help from Group A. We're being nice about it at first... for the first 20 minutes, then we started to wrangle up people. We wanted to be nice and civil about it. Don't yell at anyone, make everyone feel comfortable and let everyone know we're on the same team...
*coughbullshitcough* But you understand where I'm coming from, right? If they all behave and cooperate, we can get this job done in less than an hour.
Without much help, it took Group B (my group) less than 30 minutes to unload half of the truck and onto the lawn where it would be sorted by Hella bitch and told where to go.
With Group A and B, it took us 3 hours for some god-awful reason.
It's now almost 2am and we're almost to the back. Group A starts to stall by saying they're tired (By the way, Group A is a bunch of people who are much much older and stronger than Group B and Group B is still going without much rest)-AND- they're talking about leaving.
That's right, group A who came to help Hella Bitch is now leaving 3/4 into the job. While Group B is now finally getting all of the stuff together to leave.
We manage to wrangle them up and get them all to help move the last few boxes onto the lawn, then as we're inside and wandering around getting things situated, Group B in it's ENTIRETY just up and leaves. So now, being the nice people that we are, it has now fallen to our responsibility to get as much of the stuff into the house as we could. Fuck moving the stuff that was too heavy, we all took what we could and threw it anywhere we could.
We only managed to get 1/4 of it in before 3:30 rolled around.
By the way. The whole way driving there, in Person A and B's car, the cats were quarreling in their cage, restless and moody. The chipmunk was spazing, the kittens were adorable and sleeping funny enough, the kid was getting sick, cranky and moody, Person A (who's son to Hella Bitch) is getting sick as well, and Person B is starting to freak out, hyperventilate, black out and get sick. To top it all off, Person B has anger issues and literally starts screaming up a storm.
Rewind a bit, most of this (minus the screaming) is happening before the U-Haul is even there.
Fast-Foward a bit.
3:30 hits and I noticed that for the past 20 minutes, someone from Group B is on the phone, talking nervously, intently and at points, hysterically over the phone. Turns out his wife is having chest pains and is currently in the hospital, panicking cause she needs to get transferred and the hospital refuses to help. We realize this situation is serious, and we figure now we can't take it anymore.
Hella bitch got us into this mess, Hella bitch brought this upon herself and it was unanimously decided that she was going to handle the rest on her own. We weren't even supposed to help her at all, or come here and move her things around. Now we're done and we have to help our friend's wife. We all pack up, give her the chewing-out of a life-time, then leave.
Trust me, she deserves every bit of it with how immature she acted, with how POORLY she planned the move, how much injury we suffered for her even though we weren't supposed to help -and- with how she put us through such hazardous conditions without compensation, pay, food and proper time management. She's fully capable to take care of herself. She isn't mentally handicapped... just plain ol fashioned stupid. And she took advantage of the kind and generous nature of 8 people, trotted all over them and worked them to the bone.
By the way, my friend who asked me to come help move Person A and B, paid for the gas, my food and the hotel room to house us as thanks for me taking the time of my weekend to come help. Turns out he ended up spending more than thought and I had to help as well.
Don't worry, Person A and B thoroughly compensated us with a massive feast (like they were planning to) and many many hugs.
Hella Bitch, who we did most of the work for, didn't give us anything, not even a thank you.
... that's why she's hella bitch.
I might've left many things out, but for the most part... that was my weekend. Ended up getting home just an hour ago. Exhausted. Sore, bruised and ultimately battered to the point where I don't want to carry another object again.
Plus, I now realized that I had no idea people like her still existed. I thought her own stupidity and carelessness would've killed her and her kind years ago. They must have an immunity for that sort of thing.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go quarantine myself and go die in a ditch or something.