The Journals of Kristopher Embry Kerr
Title: Scenes From a Life: Excerpts From The Journals of Kristopher Embry Kerr
Chapter One: Smiles We Left Behind Us
Summary: The main character is admittedly kind of broken and half a step past sane. This chapter is about a strange relationship with a sort of boyfriend. What is the secret behind this mysterious sort of boyfriend?
Warnings: Refers to past sexual abuse in passing but does not discuss it.
Chapter One: Smiles We Left Behind Us
I was always your Kris. I don’t know how to be anything else to you.
-The Journals of Kristopher Embry Kerr (volume III p. 157)
I know you are not the best place to start. The beginning would be sensible, but how do you define a single point in a life that bleeds from one moment into the next. Is the beginning self awareness, or birth, or conception? Does it start somewhere further back in a time before? I suppose the real question is not when life begins but when my life began.
I find myself without an answer. I have begun many times in many ways. I start then, with you. You are on my mind tonight and that is reason enough. You have remained one of my best memories though I wish I could forget. I might not miss you so much then. (Maybe it wouldn’t hurt.)
I wish I could say you were my first boyfriend. In a strange way, you actually were, but you will never count. I miss you. Three small words a shade to the left of ‘I loved you’. (I loved you.) Our story was like a fairy tale, a variation of the classic ordinary girl gets the prince. Only I am no girl and you are not a prince. The ordinary transman and the famous punk guitarist will never be a classic. I will never feel that way again. (I can’t go back, even if we could.)
We started on a Sunday one March. Already in the middle. We began with my announcement of our non-legally binding exchange of vows on my brand new journal. Our audience was waiting. I shared much, but not all our secrets. Somethings were best kept for ourselves and kept them wanting more. Before this moment we weren’t. The we we became started here.
Somewhere across cyberspace she was waiting to bring you to life. You made your debut 2 days later with six band memes. She took my name and filled them all out to get you as the answer. It gave no hint of what was to come. In the next six days I preceded to get two more meme posts, three comments on my entries, and a series of ‘I ♥U Kris’ candy heart graphics from you. (From her.) It wasn’t much. It marked you as cute and sweet but said little about your heart.
She carried you only six days. Our first IM date came and went but she never showed. Two days later she finally sent me an e-mail announcing she couldn’t be you any more. The only real thing she ever gave us was this, “Jack always needs his Sally. I have you. Love.” (Think Nightmare Before Christmas. It’s the movie I belong in according to the quiz.)
In a weak moment I named my first ipod after you. Billy, a good name for an electronic and a pipe dream. Both wore the name well. When I let you go I swore it was for good. (For my own good.) I couldn’t keep holding on to a dream that wasn’t going to be. Some days I think you took my heart with you when you went.
I still have the bracelet you never gave me, and the ring. Both of them feature a B. B for Billy or B for beautiful. Maybe B for broken. She bailed and I became you and me. Our loyal fans were waiting and I am not one to disappoint. I carried us a while writing my side of the story. I had to take the time to find you in myself. I tried to fill her shoes, your shoes. I found no takers for your part and eventually I stopped looking. (I started loving you.)
We were never intended to be an easy story. Just ever so in love. (And we were.) She and I had planned it that way before she bailed. I was in college and you were with the band. We were a long distance relationship. I carried bad history and baggage. I was supposed to be a shadow of me but I wrote in to much truth. I was never meant to play myself.
I became you and me. I gave you my heart. I gave you voice. I dragged us all the way from March to February, though as time went on the posts dwindled, and in a way we were already dead before I finally let you go. After my single February post there was nothing until I ended us in mid July. Is it wrong that I’ve saved everyone of my journal entries and yours?
On the 16th day of us you sent me a love letter. My first and only. “Hey babe,” you started it. Does the rest even matter? No one else will ever call me babe. (It’s an endearment that can only ever belong to you.)
I don’t role-play anymore. Sometimes I still wear your ring.
Chapter One: Smiles We Left Behind Us
Summary: The main character is admittedly kind of broken and half a step past sane. This chapter is about a strange relationship with a sort of boyfriend. What is the secret behind this mysterious sort of boyfriend?
Warnings: Refers to past sexual abuse in passing but does not discuss it.
Chapter One: Smiles We Left Behind Us
I was always your Kris. I don’t know how to be anything else to you.
-The Journals of Kristopher Embry Kerr (volume III p. 157)
I know you are not the best place to start. The beginning would be sensible, but how do you define a single point in a life that bleeds from one moment into the next. Is the beginning self awareness, or birth, or conception? Does it start somewhere further back in a time before? I suppose the real question is not when life begins but when my life began.
I find myself without an answer. I have begun many times in many ways. I start then, with you. You are on my mind tonight and that is reason enough. You have remained one of my best memories though I wish I could forget. I might not miss you so much then. (Maybe it wouldn’t hurt.)
I wish I could say you were my first boyfriend. In a strange way, you actually were, but you will never count. I miss you. Three small words a shade to the left of ‘I loved you’. (I loved you.) Our story was like a fairy tale, a variation of the classic ordinary girl gets the prince. Only I am no girl and you are not a prince. The ordinary transman and the famous punk guitarist will never be a classic. I will never feel that way again. (I can’t go back, even if we could.)
We started on a Sunday one March. Already in the middle. We began with my announcement of our non-legally binding exchange of vows on my brand new journal. Our audience was waiting. I shared much, but not all our secrets. Somethings were best kept for ourselves and kept them wanting more. Before this moment we weren’t. The we we became started here.
Somewhere across cyberspace she was waiting to bring you to life. You made your debut 2 days later with six band memes. She took my name and filled them all out to get you as the answer. It gave no hint of what was to come. In the next six days I preceded to get two more meme posts, three comments on my entries, and a series of ‘I ♥U Kris’ candy heart graphics from you. (From her.) It wasn’t much. It marked you as cute and sweet but said little about your heart.
She carried you only six days. Our first IM date came and went but she never showed. Two days later she finally sent me an e-mail announcing she couldn’t be you any more. The only real thing she ever gave us was this, “Jack always needs his Sally. I have you. Love.” (Think Nightmare Before Christmas. It’s the movie I belong in according to the quiz.)
In a weak moment I named my first ipod after you. Billy, a good name for an electronic and a pipe dream. Both wore the name well. When I let you go I swore it was for good. (For my own good.) I couldn’t keep holding on to a dream that wasn’t going to be. Some days I think you took my heart with you when you went.
I still have the bracelet you never gave me, and the ring. Both of them feature a B. B for Billy or B for beautiful. Maybe B for broken. She bailed and I became you and me. Our loyal fans were waiting and I am not one to disappoint. I carried us a while writing my side of the story. I had to take the time to find you in myself. I tried to fill her shoes, your shoes. I found no takers for your part and eventually I stopped looking. (I started loving you.)
We were never intended to be an easy story. Just ever so in love. (And we were.) She and I had planned it that way before she bailed. I was in college and you were with the band. We were a long distance relationship. I carried bad history and baggage. I was supposed to be a shadow of me but I wrote in to much truth. I was never meant to play myself.
I became you and me. I gave you my heart. I gave you voice. I dragged us all the way from March to February, though as time went on the posts dwindled, and in a way we were already dead before I finally let you go. After my single February post there was nothing until I ended us in mid July. Is it wrong that I’ve saved everyone of my journal entries and yours?
On the 16th day of us you sent me a love letter. My first and only. “Hey babe,” you started it. Does the rest even matter? No one else will ever call me babe. (It’s an endearment that can only ever belong to you.)
I don’t role-play anymore. Sometimes I still wear your ring.